#this is incoherent & absolutely unintelligible but I canNOT think normally about these two

[sheepfulsheepyardinspace]

one of these days i will write a long, poetic, thoughtful & articulate post about why kanan and ezra’s relationship is so deeply impactful and moving to me: the realization of self through the other, reaching the conclusion in the search for your meaning—the implicit answer kanan was looking for from the force is given to him; every day kanan asks why he survived at all, but kanan did survive order 66 for a reason, and that reason was ezra. kanan is only able to forgive himself living beyond the death of depa if he can find a tangible reason for it, if he can come to understand it; kanan never could have understood what value depa saw in his life that could have possibly made her place him above her own life until he had a child, too, and suddenly everything makes sense. kanan tells the inquisitor “I have nothing left to fear,” when he sees ezra stand up (and, he thinks, die) for him and that’s it, isn’t it? that’s the cruelty of order sixty-six, that’s the impact of anakin’s slaughter, and that’s why vader can’t bear to watch the emperor torture luke—children are precious, children never deserve to bear the sins of their father, and you have never felt fear more acutely then when a child stands to take your place. ezra magnifies every mistake and every misstep kanan has ever taken, because now kanan wants so badly to make it right for ezra, because it is so much easier to accept the wrongs of the world and the consequences of your actions if you do not have to see it repeated—until, of course, you have a child. kanan is so deeply sunk into the past and present and anything but the future, between depa’s sacrifice and the desperation to outrun his own guilt, that he is never able to believe in anything like the future until he meets ezra. anyway. until i write that post ill just lay here in my puddle of tears.