#this is like a full essay hopefully the readmore works upsidown smiley face

[clehame]

long diary post abt adhd meds so cutcutcut

I have a doctors appointment next week to #review my meds and I feel like I still don't know what's goin on w them. like I do Not think they are what I need or what my body works well with but I feel like theyre different every time. and I should be taking them daily I know I know I know but they make me so SWEATY and gross and also when I come off them I Cannot function and also the coming off them only takes like an hour bc I am built like a horse and they give these meds to small children so my body burns tf through them. so for like an hour im good im happy I want to talk to my friend I want to call my mom! and then I am drowning in a pit of sadness. 

it’s weird bc they have like very strong mood effects on me which I wasn't aware was a thing that happened. Sometimes my meds make me feel very elated, and then we’ve already covered the Sadness Comedown. I knew that they could make people irritable and I was prepared for that but I guess I am just too sweet and lovable to be irritable ever ever ever 😌💅. That’s also sometimes how I feel when I’ve had too much caffeine tho. usually just anxious but sometimes v sad and tired. much to think about.

Today I took a Ritalin bc I had to take my stats test and by the end of the test I wasn't even sad or frustrated even tho I think I bombed it I was just like wow math is fun when you DO know what’s going on! and I had like a full Life Calling moment where I was like I Need to be a high school statistics teacher because nobody ever has had a competent stats teacher. and I could be the first ever. And I do not think that is a good idea given that I am already taking my stats class pass/fail and might still not get the necessary credit for a psych major & have to retake it, and I do Not care for statistics at all, but the stimulants were really making a strong case in that moment.

I usually try to take a Ritalin before my Spanish class in the mornings bc I Should be taking it regularly at least to see if my body will acclimate, but I didn't take it today bc I needed to be functional for my test, and it was way way harder to focus, which was a surprise to me bc I think before going on meds I didn't realize how difficult it was for me to concentrate in class bc I didn’t know any different. So I actually thought I didn't have trouble concentrating in class but turns out I do and I just didn't know that it was possible to pay attention more than I was which was Very Little. So that’s something interesting I have learned from this.

In conclusion I am going to tell my doctor I need to switch medication, but it did help me in ways I didn't even realize I could be helped. my concern is that she’ll just say okay well we tried Ritalin & im not comfortable putting you on anything w more side effects/a higher risk of abuse bc you're still functional-ish without meds. I don’t think she will, but she's a wild card honestly. last time I wasn’t even sure she’d take me seriously and she wrote me a prescription after like an hour. However if worst comes to worst, I think ill just ask she refer me to someone who can formally assess & diagnose me, bc I might be at the point where I need academic accommodations, which I need a diagnosis for. My school has a thing where you can get an accommodation to get someone else’s lecture notes, and im not sure if I would qualify for that even if I had a diagnosis, but I've been lusting after it for like a year and a half and I KNOW it would help me bc I have so much trouble understanding like what’s important and what the main points of a lecture are, and also just trouble taking notes esp if there’s not like a bulleted powerpoint. but I think I COULD get an extra time accommodation and that might be something I'm starting to need as im having more trouble w just like. reading comprehension lol. love getting dumber as I get older. It’s weird tho bc I was always always the kid who turned their test in first so I feel like I Dont need extra time bc ive always been fast but w some of my classes they just dont give us enough time to do shit !! But I just don’t know if time is the problem w me just staring at like 3 lines of text and not being able to understand them.