#this is like the most realistic breakdown ive ever written

[dustingrayves]

clean slate (6/?)

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Pairing: (eventual) addcest [LPDE] & elsain [LKATh] WC this chapter: 2400 Rating: T+ TWs: (past) abuse AU: modern/single parent Lusa (with his tiny son Arc) + runaway Esper Notes: lyrics to a song a have on repeat but has nothing to do with this

ao3

He should probably feel a little more guilty at the fact that Lusa has to take days off (‘It’s fine,’ he’d said, ‘I got someone to stand in for me.’), but in reality Esper’s just grateful.

The polyclinic smells just like the last time they’d been there, sterile and almost burning his sinuses, but Esper isn’t that rigid this time. Nor in nearly as much pain.

He even manages a small ‘hello’ to the receptionist. She seems surprised, but no less bright. Lusa leads them upstairs, the elevator’s dings loud in the relative silence of the building. Thankfully there’s no one waiting at Arme’s office and Knight opens the door pretty much at the second knock. He seems tired after a day’s work, but he still welcomes them with a smile.

“Hey, come in,” he says, ushering them in and closing the door as they do. Arme seems just as tired, slumping in his chair with a pen about to fall from his lax fingers. He perks up when he notices Lusa and Esper, though.

“Oh, I see Arc did his magical healing drawings,” Knight comments, looking over the colorful doodles covering the cast.

Esper smiles, rubbing his other calf against the cast almost nostalgically. “It helped.”

“Ready to get rid of this thing?” Arme asks as if the answer wasn’t obvious. Still, Esper nods eagerly.

He can’t wait to get it off.

He can’t wait to be useful again. It was probably only because he had it and because Lusa had felt guilty that he’d been nice to Esper. He already has an idea for the dinner and a speech of apology prepared in his head. Not that he’ll be able to get it out the way he wants, he knows himself too well to even hope for such a thing.

Arme gets a pair of scissors that seem almost unreasonable in their shape and begins cutting at the cast with only a curt warning to stay put for his own safety. Slowly, the cast is cut in two and carefully removed, even though it sticks to his leg.

“Everything seems to be alright,” he comments offhandedly, looking the ankle over. “You could’ve taken the cast off yourselves, but it’s better this way so I could’ve checked it. But it looks to be healed properly, so you don’t need anything on it anymore. Just make sure to only wash the leg gently, with not too hot water, alright?”

Esper nods numbly, testing his leg by swinging it back forth, twisting his ankle this way and that way to see if it still hurts. Thankfully, it doesn’t.

“Any pain?” Knight asks, pulling up the papers. He’s by the other table, starting to file out them out with Lusa’s help.

“No,” Esper answers when he realizes Knight isn’t looking at him and can’t see him shaking his head.

“Good,” Arme pipes up instead, “You’re to come here if anything acts up, got it? No matter how small. Anything small can turn into something big sooner than you can imagine.”

Esper nods along, storing the order away in his head. Arme seems happy enough with that and moves back to his desk, checking the papers as Knight hands them over. He writes down a few details and stamps the whole paper, closing the folder.

“Guess that’s all for now,” the doctor mutters, putting the folder away into a cabinet, under the G label.

“We’ll see you tomorrow, though, right?” Knight says cheerily, patting his scrubs down. He’d chosen a soft shade of red today; they suit him.

“Yeah, Arc’s been looking forward to it again,” Lusa grins, ushering Esper up and checking if he’s not limping. He turns to repay Esper’s confused gaze with a softer smile now. “Arme and Knight are bringing Shea and Anpa over to our place. It’s a tradition to do this every few weeks.”

Lusa’s brows furrow.

“But if you’d rather not, we don’t have to.”

Esper looks back at Knight, catching his gaze. “Yeah, we can reschedule it, if you’d like. Or take it to our place instead— you don’t have to come if you don’t feel like it.”

Esper is sure he would have a breakdown if he could breathe right now. He finds his lips tugging up into a soft smile. “I think it sounds like a nice idea, if Shea and Anpa are as great as Arc.”

Lusa’s eyes shimmer with something Esper can’t place and he doubles over, bursting into a laugh. “Oh, you don’t even know.”

For some weird, but very welcome, way, Lusa knows exactly what to do to get him a new ID. He even pays the fee and smiles encouragingly while Esper gets his photo taken.

Esper can't help smiling back, and when he gets the tiny plastic card, he sees the photo of himself, smiling more genuinely than he'd ever seen himself smile. Warmth floods his chest and he grips the card tightly, and doesn't let the tiny evidence of his freedom and happiness go the whole car ride. If Lusa notices, he doesn't say anything.

Esper also can't stop looking at the new address written on the plastic card. Lusa had said it's just temporary, of course (how does he keep doing that?; making Esper feel like he isn't a prisoner even while doing things that would've otherwise ticked off at least ten red flags), but Esper has to admit -- not out loud, though -- that he kind of likes it. It's a solid evidence that he has nothing to do with his old home -- he shakes his head.

Lusa said home is a feeling. That had only been a house.

He runs his fingers over the smooth plastic, over and over. He must look silly, but there are no comments from Lusa, even though he'd caught the other looking at him instead of the calm streets ahead.

"How about we stop at McDonald's?" Lusa asks.

They stop at a red light and Lusa turns his head to him in inquiry.

Another weird thing of his. He'll announce what he wants to do and phases it like a question, and then only proceeds if Esper nods at him. Esper is still not used to it. Doesn't understand why Lusa does it.

He gives a nod and Lusa replies with a smile. For some reason he's always pleased whenever Esper goes along with his choice of fast food instead of offering to cook. Not that Esper minds the fast food, don't get mistaken. In fact, he loves it. He'd never had the luxury of fatty burgers and oversalted fries and stretchy, gooey pizza. It's almost like living in a completely different world.

He likes it.

A lot.

Lusa pulls up in the drive-thru, giving Esper's leg a sidelong glance. The cast had come off earlier, and it doesn't even hurt anymore, and yet Lusa keeps treating him like something fragile. It doesn't feel like he thinks Esper would break — because he wouldn't. He doubts anything could break him at this point. It feels more like Lusa just wants to keep him away from any kind of pain, like he's something to be protected or cherished. The mere thought is enough to make Esper chuckle while Lusa orders menus for them.

And only when they're back on the road, with paper bags full of food sitting in Esper's lap, does it hit Esper. It feels like a full-on collision with another car, and Esper doubles over with a gasp, whitened fingers gripping at the paper.

He stares ahead, eyes wide and almost unseeing. Tears roll down his cheeks in rivulets, fat and salty.

Immediately, Lusa is pulling over to the side, looking at him with a startled, concerned gaze.

"Esper?" he calls out, hand hovering in midair as if he's hesitating to touch him. Seeing that only makes Esper cry harder, wail after wail tearing from his throat. It almost doesn't sound like his own voice, at least to his own ears. "Esper, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

Esper shakes his head side to side, bangs flying left and right. The tears don't stop coming even as he clutches the bags of food to his chest. They'll probably end up cold because of him.

He cries louder, choking on it halfway. It sounds pathetic and no doubt irritating, but Lusa shows no sign of anger. If anything, he just looks more scared.

"Sorry- Sorry, I-" Esper chokes out, voice giving out as he goes back to noiseless sobs and tears.

“Take your time,” Lusa tells him softly. Esper’s chest aches, like it’s devoid of every organ, at the gentle tone, the lack of yelling, tugging or punches.

Still, Esper can’t help the broken apologies tumbling from his bitten lips.

A dream. That’s what all of this feels like.

With great effort, Esper manages to open his eyes (which he doesn’t even remember closing) and look at Lusa through the sheen of tears. His brows are furrowed and he still looks like he wants to touch Esper, but refrains.

Esper wants to explain himself — it’s the least Lusa deserves — but he can’t find the right words. So instead he just opens his mouth to scream again. “It—” he hiccups when the scream dies out, his throat like sandpaper with each inhale. “It doesn’t… feel right. Ri—Real— I’m— this is…”

Lusa lets him blabber until he can’t anymore and then he falls slack, shoulders slumping heavily. Lusa holds up a hand again.

“Can I touch you?” he asks. Esper stares at him in silence, torn between the need to be alone, to run as far as possible and hide in a ditch and forget he’d ever been this vulnerable, and the surprisingly overwhelming urge to let Lusa do as he pleases.

There’s two outcomes to his; either he’ll get hurt, or he won’t. He doesn’t know one he wants.

Finally, he nods. It must’ve take a while, but still Lusa doesn’t say anything. Instead he softly places the hand onto Esper’s, not squeezing in any way. Just a comforting weight.

“Real?” he asks, prompting Esper to actually think.

The touch is nice. He nods.

Lusa smiles at him, his eyes narrowed softly with the gesture. “Take your time.”

“Too good…” Esper gasps, going rigid as Lusa moves his hand to his back and rubs small circles there.

The other man fixes him with a — somehow — knowing look. “It’s fine,” he says, leveling his voice to a quiet stability even though Esper’s is hiccuping up and down. “It’s not really… well, too good. It’s the right amount of good.”

Esper stares at him through the tears in his eyes, incredulous. He’s biting down at his bottom lip, clearly mulling it over in his mind.

Lusa doesn’t pressure him into replying. “Maybe one day you’ll expect the right amount of good instead of waiting for too little,” he mutters, still rubbing his back while the floodgates of Esper’s tears open yet again. “Take it at your own pace. There’s no bad way in this.”

Lusa waits patiently while Esper finally calms down enough to keep going. He has to force more tears down the whole way, however.

It just feels unreal to have someone this nice, even though he can reach out and touch Lusa at any time to make sure.

And he does.

Lusa just gives him an encouraging smile when his fingertips brush Lusa’s shoulder, softly, like he’s afraid Lusa would disintegrate into smoke.

He doesn’t.

“It’s cold!” Arc complains as he bites into one of the chicken nuggets, hands already fully coated in the barbecue sauce, somehow.

Lusa stretches a hand to ruffle his hair. “Sorry, champ, we had to stop somewhere on the way. It was important.”

“Esper’s papers, right?” Arc asks, mouth twisting as he chew the meat.

Lusa nods, casting Esper a look. The man looks ready to fling himself out of the window, but at least he’s not crying anymore, so Lusa chalks it up as ‘getting better’. “Yeah, he got ‘em. If you ask him nice, he might show you— He got a really nice photo taken. Aaaand if you ask me nicely, I’ll reheat the nuggets for you.”

Arc’s eyes light up and he holds the paper box out. “Please, pretty, pretty please?”

Lusa laughs, taking the box out of Arc’s greasy fingers and kissing his forehead. He hands the boy a napkin from one of the paper bags. “Comin’ right up!”

While he disappears into the kitchen to grab a plate for the food as well, Arc clambers onto Esper’s lap, staring up at him through his disheveled fringe. Those doe eyes could probably make icebergs melt if Arc wanted them to.

“Show me,” the boy begs, “show me, show me, pleease!”

Esper places a hand onto Arc’s back so the boy doesn’t fall as he leans over and grabs the plastic card from the table. Arc snatches it out of his hand and scrutinizes the holographic elements with great interest.

“You look pretty here!” he exclaims finally, seemingly pleased with the small picture. “But you’re even prettier here!” The boy jabs a finger at Esper’s chest, smearing the leftover sauce on his shirt.

A smile stretches on Esper’s lips and he’s powerless to stop it. “Thank you,” he says, surprised that his voice doesn’t break midway. He’d never been called pretty. And Arc’s genuinity is all that much endearing.

Lusa reappears with the food, now arranged on a real plate, and that is also snatched as Arc makes himself comfortable on the couch, ID already forgotten as he flicks through the channels, looking for a particular cartoon, probably.

Lusa’s and Esper’s eyes meet; for once, the smile adorning Esper’s face doesn’t drop. Lusa gives a similar one back.

Esper seats himself by Arc and Lusa takes the boy’s other side, and by then, Arc had already found the correct channel. He shoves a nugget completely covered in sauce into his mouth.

Exaggerated laughs and high-pitched voices fill the air, all of them finally getting to their food. The fries are a little gummy as Esper chews them, but then he’s once again reminded that it’s his fault. And really, if it’s a choice between warm fries and a burger or the entirely encompassing feeling of safety and belonging, well…

It’s not a choice at all.

[clumsyclifford]

6, 12, 14, 15, & 21 for the writing asks? -megs 💙

hachi machi okie dokie how many more nonsense rhymes can i say ok that's it great let's go

6. What fic is on your back burner, waiting to be written when you feel your skill matches its potential? answered this one here! i'm SURE there are more though let me check my fic ideas doc (fun fact my fic ideas doc is still called "Malum fic ideas:" from back in the early days of this blog when i was chiefly writing malum because of helen). oh! well. the major league baseball au is still uh, kinda back burner-y. that's another one that i started and then ran face first into a wall known as The Wall of Trying To Realistically Represent A Situation I've Never Been In But Also Include Romance Which Would Not Typically Exist In This Setting So I'm Really Setting Myself Up For Failure Here it's a really annoying wall i know hazel hits it too so i'm just ignoring it for the moment. i also think a castaways fic (the concept, not the song) would be really awesome but tricky because, once again, i've never actually BEEN a castaway, and my knowledge of the topic is pretty heavily based on the book hatchet so like. yeah. i have a lot.

12. Where do you commonly find inspiration for your stories? everywhere! i saw in your answer you said you hear song lyrics and think they'd make good fic titles, i do EXACTLY the same thing (hence the doc "good lyrics for titles"). one day ill make that doc into a prompt list and post it on here and just fuck myself over. previously ive gotten some inspiration from movies but i shortly after completing baby driver au i realized that was a fluke and that in general i am pretty bad at making fics out of movie plots because i am very bad at remembering salient details about movies in the order that they happen. like i started a robin hood (2018) au but barely got anywhere with it because i realized i had never actually understood the plot well enough to write it. i would say the things that inspire me the most are songs (we know i loooove a songfic, mostly bc they make the job so easy by just laying out the plot and vibe for me) and also things that happen to me and feelings i have about those things. unfortunately many of my experiences are not universal (hello jewish summer camp) which may be part of why i've had so much trouble coming up with ideas lately. but as soon as i'm back at school i get the feeling i'll be doing fine again.

14. Share a few sentences of what you’re currently working on? what AM i currently working on? technically speaking i'm kinda sorta working on two things but one of them just doesn't have a good snippet and i don't wanna do a Reveal yet so ill give you this one instead, from a fic i might never even post:

“Oh, I meant to tell you, my mum called earlier, she asked if you’re okay.” Ashton’s mum always asks if Luke is okay. Exactly that way, is Luke doing okay?, like Luke gives off some kind of not-doing-okay vibe. He suspects it’s a leftover instinct from his and Ashton’s mutual breakdown a few years back, but honestly, he’s doing better now. It’s sweet of her to ask, but she could just ask about him the same way she asks about Michael and Calum. How’s Luke? would be fine.

“I am great,” Luke says. “How’s she? Is she okay?”

“Yeah, she’s okay,” Ashton says. “She’s started taking Harry to look at some universities.” He pauses. “University. You know? What the fuck?”

“No way,” Luke says, and tries to work out if he’s meant to be surprised by that. He can’t remember how old Harry is. Clearly almost uni-age. Ashton’s told him this a million times, but Luke can’t keep track when the answer keeps changing. He doesn’t want Ashton to think he’s forgotten, so he just says, “That’s insane.”

15. What are some of your favorite tropes to write? Do they match the ones you read? answered this one here as well! i've managed to get unbelievably long-winded answering every single one of these questions so far so i won't write another answer for this one

21. Do you have any stories you’ve written completely but never posted? Why? Please tell us about them? yes!! i have a handful. let me hunt them down. okay final answer, i have five!

one is an au based on the prompt "we’re at a party and someone asks what your type is and you describe me perfectly while staring right at me” which i never posted because i wrote it a while ago and honestly i don't think it's good enough to post. also i kinda don't like the background character i made jack barakat. i could edit it. but. ehh

one is a fic that is set in the daydream jalex fic 'verse, but the only way it's relevant to that 'verse is because it has ace!jack, and it's highly personal and probably the most projection-heavy fic i've ever written and i never posted it because i'm nervous to be Known like that lol

one is technically emo lashton, but not actually set in the emo lashton 'verse that i've created, and that one is ALSO one of the most projection-heavy fics i've ever written. it's usually the fics that are full of projection but in a specific way that i think isn't really relatable that i write but don't end up posting. it's a good fic honestly i wouldn't be against posting it i just never have. also partially because i'm between two titles for that fic lol

one is.......something that was originally going to be set in a different fic universe (for a fic i havent posted or finished writing lol), but now i don't know if it will necessarily fit in that 'verse, so it's kind of its own very short but complete thing. i never posted it because (1) it's super short, less than 1k, and i don't like to post stuff that short, and also (2) just in case it DOES fit the fic 'verse, i don't wanna give away the ending, lmao

and lastly there's a fic i wrote in an excited haze when sam and meghna and i made the ssf and the aces plans, which is like, ot4 meeting but they're all internet friends. guess what inspired that. i'll never post it because it really wasn't written with the intention of posting it, i sent it to sam and meghna and they were the only people i wanted to read it and they have so <3

writing asks