#this is something I've had headcanoned for months now tbh. only just writing it down rn while I'm on this depressive kick

[byanyan]

byan's distrust and outright fear of hospitals is something that's come up a bit in threads and muse discussion, but i've never really talked about why they hate them so much?

for one, they have a heavy distrust of any authority figures, including doctors and nurses. pair that with the fact that being treated in the hospital puts them in a vulnerable position and not in any control of things going on around them or to them, that's already enough reason for them to hate the place. and YET... the thing that really traumatized them and created a proper fear of hospitals happened when they were 12. after running away from an abusive foster home, which put them back on the street as they had no where else to go, byan stole from the wrong person and wound up severely injured in the resulting altercation. someone found them, called an ambulance, and they woke up in a hospital bed. using clues from the things they'd had stuffed away in their backpack, the hospital managed to find byan's identity and, from there, found their family - or, the foster family they were still technically under the care of. when the nurse told them that their family had been called and was already on the way, byan panicked and pleaded with her to not let them in, but... of course that didn't work. she thought they were merely afraid of the consequences of running away and being out so late in such an unsafe part of the city, brushing off their concerns to assure them that everything would be fine. it wasn't.

going to the hospital resulted in the family they fled from not only finding them, but dragging them back to that terrible house which became much, much more difficult to escape from after that. and that's all they can think about anytime they're in one of those buildings, be it in a bed or simply visiting.

[connorloveselectroswing]

hey mate. So i read Reset and i was feeling way to much so i decided to track you down to pour all my thoughts on you, even so, idk if you are going to even see this, but hey, it's a way to take it out of my chest.

So, um. I don't know if i finished your fic, or your fic finished me, in the best way possible. I've been here since the game came out, and been in and out the fandom like three times by this point, and this time around i decided to read some fanfic and and, i found yours and- godness. IT'S SO GOOD, IT'S AMAZING, I LOVE IT. The plot, Connor's personality, Hank's too, i adore time travel fix it fanfics and tbh this one is just so perfect, *chef kiss*, i love it, you don't have and idea. I finished reading and came back to re read some loose scenes because i felt empty inside after it, lol. Connor's panic attack at the bridge, he shooting through Amanda's head, Christopher's support (?), everything it was sooooo good. Heck, CONNOR'S BREAKDOWN WAS MY FAVORITE SCENE, I'M NOT KIDDING YOU, I READ IT LIKE 5 TIMES ALREADY, IT HAS SO MUCH FEELINGS ON IT, SO MUCH RAGE, SO MUCH HATRED, DAMN, TBH BEFORE I WAS AT THAT MOMENT I WAS LIKE "I hope Connor says fuck on some moment." THEN THE MOTHERFUCKER SCENE HAPPENED AND I GASPED, AND THEN THE SCENE WITH NOT-HIM, WHEN HE SAID FUCK YOU, I GOT FLIPPED, LMAO. I ADORE WITH HOW MUCH FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS YOU WROTE THAT, I COULD FEEL IT THROUGH MY PHONE'S SCREEN. I WANT TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT MOMENT BUT IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I A D O R E D IT, I L O V E IT. He said Fuck with so much venom i felt so proud. Heck, i'm not used to read Connor with feelings other and anxiety nd ptsd, so seeing him feeling whatever this was, was refreshing as heck and i now hc him with sass. I could even say- you made the character better, and that my friend is not something easy to do, preach, i bow to you, i want to put ur brain in a throne where it belongs.

Anyway- that's it, nothing more, nothing else. I just wanted to say that your fic? Amazing, perfect, tasteful, thanks for the meal, i love it with my whole heart and i will be obssesed with it for the next week, even month, lol. <3

Omg thank you so much for this ask it was SUCH a blast to read! I showed it to my partner and they also thought it was so nice and funny to read through.

I'm so glad that you're also the kind of person to go back and re-read specific scenes when you finish a fic because I am absolutely that kind of person as well lmao. And I love that the not!connor scene had such an impact on you!! It felt so cathartic to write and I'm so happy that readers feel the same way about it! :D

Also, your ask made me go back to Reset and count up all the times Connor says "fuck" - because I thought it was pretty often, but you're right! He doesn't actually say it very often (out loud, he thinks it way more often). So here's the stats of how many times Connor says "fuck" in Reset if you're curious XD

8 (not counting his breakdown) 13 (counting the breakdown) Getting back on track though, I'm so happy that you loved my version of Connor's personality! I was worried when I started writing this that people wouldn't like or vibe with him, because (as you said) people tend to headcanon him as a lot more anxious, which is also very good, it just didn't fit my fic very well. So hearing that not only did you like him but also that my fic made him feel better to you is SUCH high praise. And that's not even counting all the OTHER high praise in this ask that really did make my whole ass week.

Thank you so much for this ask, I'm sorry I didn't get to it sooner (you know how tumblr is lmao) <333

[retvenkos]

not asking you who you'd ship me with in the grishaverse because at this point everyone on tumblr knows the answer to that probably (though any chance of getting more of your wonderfully divine headcanons about matthias & I is a chance I gleefully take), but since you are shipping everyone I have to tell you that I've been thinking about Mal & you together for a little while. I just see it so clearly??

I think you'd have a relationship quite like Alina and Mal's, except healthier and less dramatic lol. but Mal is the epitome of friends to lovers and to me you embody exactly that. you're not the unbridled fury that enemies to lovers can be nor the bittersweet inevitability of soulmates, but really this idea of familiarity and comfort that you only unlock after spending a lot of time with a person, probably in childhood. Mal would represent exactly that to you: home, family, and love, and you're not really sure how or when you realize that it's not the same love you used to feel at Keramzin, that your feelings have shifted in the most terrifying yet beautiful way, but they have.

so in this scenario if you are Grisha, you get tested and your powers found out and you get sent to the Little Palace and your goodbyes with Mal are probably the most tearful moment Ravka has ever seen. You're holding on to Mal for dear life because he's really your family and you don't want to leave him behind, they're taking you to an unknown place without him, and you're so scared - but Mal tries to hold it all together because he has to be strong for you, and promises he will write to you every day and you will never truly be separated because he'll find you when he's older and strong.

(as soon as the carriage leaves he locks himself in the dormitory and cries all evening on his bed because your absence is so loud in these silent halls)

Inevitably years pass as you continue your training and Mal's letters become more scarce - sometimes you're the one who forgets to reply for a whole month, sometimes it's him - until you're not in touch anymore but you don't forget him, you never do, and you dream of him so often and all the words you wish you could tell him but never got the courage to

Until one day, almost a decade later, he is received at the Grand Palace for a particularly triumphant feat of his (Mal, always the hero) and the King wants to meet the First army soldier everyone is talking about, and you happen to run into him as he's trying to find his way to the audience room (because how stupidly huge are these Os Alta palaces, really?) And you literally can't believe your eyes.

so you'd be getting the childhood friends to lovers reunited after losing contact for many years which is TOP TIER romance

and Mal has changed obviously but not so much, and so have you; and he's taken aback by your beauty in your purple Kefta, and suddenly all the petty and insulting stereotypes about the Second Army he used to joke about with his regiment friends leave his mind because Saints - who needs a Sun Summoner when you're glowing like all the stars in the sky?

you'd quickly fall back into your common habits because they never left you, they're second nature at this point - Mal has basically forged your personality from the youngest age and you have his, and you fit together so perfectly

he'd be assigned to a more permanent post in Os Alta thanks to his prowesses in battle, maybe as the King's personal guard, meaning you'd get to spend so much time together

People would raise eyebrows at the sight of a couple between the two rival armies, but you don't care one bit - your love for Mal runs in your blood much deeper than arbitrary oppositions based on foolish pride.

If you're not Grisha, I don't think you'd join the First Army; war is probably not for you. I think your paths would separate too when he joins the Army and you leave the orphanage with what little money you saved over the years (sneaking out of Keramzin and reciting or singing your poems on the streets for a little bit of coin, or selling the meat and fur Mal would hunt for you) to move to a bigger city and try to do something with your life. You could be an artisan, or another kind of shopkeep! I can see you being manually gifted and creative, so you'd probably have an artsy business in the capital, like pottery or tapestry or painting on porcelain or something of the sort

and once again Mal is called to Os Alta probably for the same reasons - he just can't help distinguishing himself in combat, can he? - and he steps into your shop by total chance, and he's like. Olive???? Since when do you do sculptures???? And you're like. Malyen Oretsev???? Since when are you taller than me????

(Though the sculpture part doesn't surprise him that much, because you were always so creative and gifted in the arts, and he's always admired you so much for it.)

(But the TALL part??? ok, you are short, but you left him when he was like, thirteen and he was Not That Tall. how can your forever friend have grown that tall so fast???)

And so you ALSO get the long-lost childhood friends rekindle and fall back in love trope because my heart goes mushy for it ❤

your dynamic would be on point, because Mal knows you better than anyone and so he can read you like an open book. Either when he needs to find the teasing comment that will get you all riled up, or when he senses your discomfort or sadness and has to find the words to cheer you up.

You'd just make so many sweet memories with Mal, and he'd be down for every single thing you want to do as long as he gets to spend time with you. Want to be rambunctious on the streets of Os Alta and pull pranks on passerbys like you are 8 again? Yep, can totally do that. Feel like breathing in the fresh air of the wilderness and getting out of town to see a beautiful sunset, like you would in Keramzin? Of course! Just want to chill together doing your own thing and relishing in each other's presence? Absolutely.

he loves when you read to him, whether that be a book you own or a story straight from your imagination that you just wrote, and he's absolutely mesmerized by your voice and how much emotion you put in it. (though he can't help himself from making little jokes every now and then or trying to guess what will happen next in the story because he's what my mom calls a Culo Inquieto™)

you'd generally be such a cute couple who never lost that mischievous but oh so comforting and familiar spark from when you were kids, and is willing to stay with the other through thick and thin. you've found your other half in each other and I'm so soft for that. 💜💜

sorry I rambled but I just think that idea is so cute and you deserve a ship! (also, don't even get me started on the Chaos BFF Duo you would make with Jesper...) my head is killing me so I won't write any more but just know I hold this ship in extremely high regard. <3

clara, i will have you know i waited until i got ice cream in order to read this, because i knew it would be an experience™ and now, i,,, 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i'm so goddamn soft, how dare you make me yearn????

you mean to tell me you came up with all of this... for me? you think of ships for me??? how—how dare? how dare you be such a good friend, to the point where i am baffled by your kindness??? how dare you be this thoughtful and poetic,,,,,,, and just, big brained, ma'am.

because all of this is so perfect!!!! ohmygod i'm soft. i'm in love. everytime you write a ship or fanfic, i sincerely wish i was a romantic like you so i could have a proclivity toward fathoming such soft romantic scenes,,,,, you, clara, know how to do a ship™.

(also, i have to say i love the childhood friends torn apart, only to come back together,,,, it has laughter lines by bastille energy,,,, listen to this song and tell me it doesn’t have the same vibes that that very specific and heartwarming trope,,,)

but, since you gave me such a beautiful gift, and since i would do anything for you, here are some more headcanons for you and matthias:

first of all, i think that you and matthias would spend a lot of time finding the beauty in small things. i think that it would be good for him, since he’s reevaluating who he is and his place in this grand world, and i think since you’re a romantic, small things would be important to you both.

— for example, you guys definitely star gaze together. it’s hard, since you are in ketterdam and the smoke is impossible to see through, but maybe you guys leave ketterdam for a while, and you spend a lot of time looking up at the stars. matthias loves to learn about everything you know, and repositioning himself underneath the sky is a good start to figuring out who he is. 

— you also like to sit by the water and talk. there’s something about the water that pulls memories from you both. matthias talks about what it was like, far away, in his little village before the drüskelle. (i get the feeling his dad was a fisherman or something,,,, the vibes are there), and you get to talk about people you once knew, dreams you once had. point is, you do a lot of talking - swapping stories and hopes.

— oh! another idea i can’t get out if my head is that matthias asks you so many questions. i feel like it’s a sign of real love and trust, when matthias starts asking you questions, because you have to be like,,, level 50 in order for matthias to admit weaknesses, and one of his biggest is that there’s so much he just doesn’t know. i think you also get really good at just,,,, telling him stuff so that he doesn’t have to ask, and he really just appreciates it.

i also just love the idea of matthias giving you to strongest hugs, or tbh, just holding you, and it’s all because he’s the big, strong one™! you know he’s got a protector complex, so that kind of feeds into his hugs,,, just that intense need to protect you, but also, he’s deathly terrified of losing another person he cares about, so he clings. (but only when you’re alone. the drüskelle in him is too Proud, but if you hang onto him in public,,,, he’s not complaining, just getting used to it)

okay, but i got a little bit ahead of myself, because i didn’t even talk about when you guys first meet, and the whole dynamic that is that™

— so, clearly, you are bffs with nina, whether your a grisha or not, and since i want fluff oNLY we’re just going to pretend like helnik didn’t happen,,,,,, they’re just friends. anyway, she’s the first one to pick up on your feelings for matthias because a) heartrender, and b) you two are the best of friends, and she just knows.

— and so you know a lot of teasing ensues, and almost everyone gets in on it and constantly makes jokes about you and matthias,,,, sometimes while he’s right. there. you’re Mortified But Coping™ and you can’t imagine what is going on through matthias’ head, because there’s no way he can feel the same, right?

— wRONG, we’re all idiots when we’re in love, and no one is more of an idiot than matthias. he is definitely ~soft~ for you but refuses to let it show because (1) the dregs are crass and he doesn’t want to give them fodder, and (2) you seem very uncomfortable about this whole thing, and he doesn’t want to make it worse

after some time, the teasing dies down, because both of you are too boring to tease. it would be funny if one of you freaked out, but you’re just,,,, suffering in silence. boring. and besides, inej and kaz are way more funny to tease. have you seen the murder in both of their eyes whenever you mention anything??? scary, but golden.

for the most part, the jokes die off, and i think after the jokes stop, you and matthias become much more comfortable with one another, and it leads to so! many! good! moments! 

— did i ever tell you matthias is in love with your stupid humor? your enchanting laughter? you’re so infectiously light and it makes him feel like he’s walking on clouds or something,,,,, he’s enchanted by you, but doesn’t have the words to explain it. 

— you know he remembers all of the little things his dad used to say about his mom,,,, and he feels all of that awed respect and soft warmth for you, but what to do with it???? he can’t really remember what his parents would do - it’s been so long and cold without them, but he tries to remember, and it’s the little things he does. he’ll tell you something really sweet in fjerdan and you’re just like ??? but it doesn’t translate super well, so you’re just left with the way he said it, and it means the world (plus, if you really get the courage, you can ask nina to explain it,,,, fair warning though, she scoffs at it every time. because it’s fjerda, alright?)

— you definitely end up reading him some poetry. it’s all under the guise of him ‘learning about the beauty in other cultures’ but really, it’s just an excuse to read him romantic shu poetry (they really know how to do it, let me tell you). and you also end up telling him stories about your childhood and your life, and he finds your rambling so adorable. especially since he has seen your work on paper! he finds it so sweet that your mind is so full of life that it wants to go everywhere at once, and experience every possible detail.

— you definitely end up showing matthias his way around ketterdam, and he keeps all of your hastily drawn maps, and whenever he goes past a street corner, he remembers the way your eyes sparkled in the light of the streetlamps.

i definitely have the feeling that you confess your feelings first. matthias has been trying to get the courage to do it, but he just can’t, and one day you tell him late at night - when, for just a moment, the world is still and quiet, and you can’t hold in all that warmth in your chest. you’re a little shy about it, but so is he, and when he hears you confess, all he can do is smile, because you have all of the confidence and strength he wishes he had. and all that courage laced in his chest, he’s learned it from you.

that’s ll i got for now, but i believe in clara x matthais supremacy.