#this is the heaviest ive been and its not even funny like

[indiangp]

I think atp I have to learn to live w the fact I'll be stuck this way fr

[oakleyadams-blog]

“I’m a motherfu*king GEM...”

“I didn’t want to date you cause I wanted to prove to my best friend that not all skinny girls are bitches… But you’re a bigger girl. You’re not what society thinks of as ‘beautiful.’”

That’s what the last guy in my life told me. Less than seven months ago. 

That was the first time anyone other than my parents told me I’m a “big girl”. I don't even think I'm that big… Radical honesty? Im 5’2” and Im 195lbs. Yeah Im “overweight” compared to what I “should be” but I have a small waist at least. Even if I didn't why is that so bad? I’m healthy. I gained 60lbs in the last 2 years due to medication I started taking to help with severe panic attacks. So yeah it SUCKS. I haven't always been chubby. But Ive always thought I was. I remember when I weighed 120lbs I felt HUGE. Ive always been unhappy with myself- But the funny part is? I’m on a journey to FINALLY loving myself…and I’m at my heaviest. My self image has been an issue to be since day one. My very first memory of dealing with insecurities of my body I was 5 YEARS OLD. Five. WHAT. I was at my best friends house and we were swimming. I got out of the pool to do a cannon ball and I remember feeling SO self conscious of my thighs. Feeling so fat in my little orange and pink bathing suit. I never had any childhood trauma related to my body so I really don't know where it stems from. Its been a stronghold forever. But its funny how now that I am actually “overweight” is the time I’m collecting most self worth and confidence. I hate the word overweight. I didn't know why (other than feeling gross about myself) why I hated that word so much. Until I listened to a podcast. The lady said she preferred to be called fat rather than overweight. Saying someone is overweight is really saying there is a better and more correct weight for them. That you're not beautiful where you are now. You're OVER the weight that is “beautiful to society”. *Eye roll* Anyways… I’m realizing now that what that guy meant to say is “Im so fu*king insecure in myself that I have to be with someone smaller than me to make me feel more like a big man”. The part I hated most about when he said Im not beautiful to the world, was my reply. In my insecure and previously abused mind I said “Eh I guess I wouldn't want to date a big fat guy, so I get that…” ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?! What is wrong with me???! Where was my self worth?! Even worse… I continued to see him and poor my heart to him. I should've just kicked him in his tiny tic-tac balls. That was something I’ve been wanting to get out of my system. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! To me that maybe means this somehow resonates to you? Well if so…you are STUNNING. You are not “overweight”. He/she doesn't deserve you if thats the reason they won't commit. You deserve the BEST. He didn't deserve me and I eventually understood that. I am a motherfu*king GEM. And so are YOU. Just be healthy and the best you that you can be. Looks are literally skin deep. I feel like I am lightyears away from believing that, but at least I know I’m on the right track. Keep at it friends. 

Much love,

Oakley