#this is very much a venting post so sorry if it's preachy or annoying or whatever

[kinktae]

Dear 2018,

warning: up ahead is a long ass post with mentions of anxiety, depression, infidelity, death, very specific events that might seem silly to you but really fucked me up, optimism, and copious amounts of personification.

You were cruel.

My dad gave my dog away without telling me and while I took a nap of all things for reasons that made no sense at the moment but would soon reveal themselves as the year unfolded. My dog was my best friend and longtime confidant. I was the annoying dog owner who snapchatting their dog every day. He was my first hug when I had a bad day and my last goodnight every night as I headed off to bed. I don’t know where he is now because my father won’t tell me but 2018, you left me so incredibly hurt by my parents that I couldn’t bring myself to speak to them for two weeks.

But I learned to cope.

In the days that followed, I wrote a 20k long story. I was crying and sad and didn’t know what else to do. I spent three days writing that story, sleeping on the couch because I didn’t want to walk into my room only to see that my dog wasn’t waiting by my bed. A story I wrote could never replace seven years of companionship but it gave me something tangible to hold onto when I found myself unable to turn to my family. Camellia, the story, holds a special place in my heart because it isn’t often that from such sadness tumbles out a love story.

You were cruel.

2018 took the life of the boy I have admired and blushed over since I was eleven. He was the kind of kid who had every reason to be an asshole with how good looking and widely popular he was but... he wasn’t. He was polite and genuinely smart and loved basketball. I mean loved it. It was funny back then but in my senior year when we were asked to write poems, he chose to write it about his basketball and his team. We all cheered him on at the end of it as he slipped back into his seat in the back, a happy grin on his face. I remember how hot my face got when he let me interview him for a school project and how nice he was to me because he knew I was nervous. When I graduated, he was the one person that I was looking forward to seeing at our high school reunion. I wanted to know where he’d end up in life. I never thought that his life would come to an end.

So I took some time to reflect.

I left Tumblr for quite a bit. It’s a hard thing to understand when someone so young dies suddenly and needlessly. It was larger than just my feelings. It was as if my entire town fell silent. 2018, you left behind his family and an entire community in pain and mourning. He was not mine to mourn as a lover nor really as a friend but I mourned him as a long time classmate who put far greater good into the world than he ever did bad. I hurt for his family, his girlfriend, his friends— my friends —who knew him well and will never get closure or answers to his death because there are none. I hope heaven has a basketball court.

You were cruel.

One of your Saturday nights was when my mom walked by our guest bedroom and overheard her husband on the phone with his girlfriend of a year. It was the reason why my dad got rid of my dog and was trying so desperately to sell our house. He was trying to move us into an apartment just so that he could leave my mom and me in it. He stood in front of my mom silently as she broke down two days later and told him that she knew about his girlfriend. I knew his girlfriend, I had been to her house; she had 3 kids and a husband. My dad left my family for another family, for another country, and as much as that hurt, nothing hurt more than holding my crying mother in my arms every night because she came to the United States alone and I was all she had now. My father took everything in the house, leaving us with one bed and a couch. He said he would take care of us but the fact that he took two beds when he only needed one should’ve been a warning sign enough. He cut my mother’s salary and belittles her at work. He keeps coming over to our house and making my mother cry. He never gave her space to heal and still isn’t. I had to make nice though because he was always the provider and I relied on him financially. He cut my brother from his will and my mother feared he’d do the same to me.

But my family understood.

I thought with my father living elsewhere, I wouldn’t see my family anymore. He was the one who always drove me down to every family gathering, and now I could hardly look him in the eyes. To my surprise, even though he was very much the head of my family, they all reach out to me and my mother, offering their condolences. It was nice to know that I wasn’t a terrible daughter for not wanting to see my father, it was nice knowing his family understood. He was a great provider but cruel, emotionally detached parent and I struggled with the guilt of not mourning his absence in the house. My family helped me realize that my priority should be myself and my mother and I am so grateful for them.

You were cruel.

You were anxiety. Crippling, unimaginable anxiety. You were a panic attack one Monday morning alone in my house as I realized how empty but suffocating my home had become. 2018 was sitting down in class, only to rush out the moment I realized I had forgotten another assignment, crying in the school bathrooms because I knew I was falling behind. I pretended like everything was fine. I didn’t ask for help. I was ashamed to. My mother didn’t have friends because of the type of person my father was and she needed one. So I became her friend, despite the fact that I am just a daughter. I comforted and listened to her. I read her divorce papers for her because my English was better than hers and I knew my father was going to try and fuck her over. My mother was behind every happy memory I had so I owed her this much. Eventually, I just stopped going to school, too anxious to even leave my neighborhood. I would wave my mother goodbye and hop into my car like I was off to university but really I just park somewhere in my neighborhood and hated myself. God how I hated myself.

But my friends were kind.

Early on in the year, 2018 brought me, friends. Friends that would last throughout the year despite the fact that I pushed them away and isolated myself. People like @httpjeon, who would become my number one confidant and best fucking friend along with @introseesaw @junqkook, who never questioned why I had to leave the group chat and disappear for days. People like @timeline-comics, who is so patient and understanding and inspires me. People like @kittae @gukyi @jeongukk who probably didn’t know how much just talking to them made me feel sane and safe. As much as 2018 took away, it also gave me such wonderful people when I needed them the most and I am grateful beyond words. Even when my mother was in the midst of heartbreak, divorce and reliving childhood trauma, she still eventually found me, as most mothers do when they’re children become lost. She offered me love and support like she has done with every breath she has ever taken and told me it was okay to ask for help. I wasn’t invincible, no one was. It was only with others that we could grow stronger.

You were cruel.

I did poorly this semester. I knew I would. But it was severe enough that my university noticed and suspended me from the upcoming term. They told me to come back in the summer and offered me the number to their counseling services. My father didn’t understand how this could have happened, or maybe he didn’t want to understand, so he cut me off financially and called me names that I’m still trying to convince myself aren’t true.

But I had you all.

In the worst year of my life, 2018 brought me a community of people who love and support my work despite how flaky I am putting it out. It brought me a platform where I can express myself creatively and unapologetically. 2018 brought me you guys, my readers— my people. It brought me anons who made my entire day in 200 words or less. It brought me people who reblogged my posts with funny tags that, as corny as it sounds, made the world feel less heavy, even if it was just for a moment. I know that you guys are a blessing. This blog is one of the best things that’s happened to me. It’s my happy place and I am so beyond grateful for you all.

And finally. There is one thing left to say.

2018, I forgive you.

You were cruel, confusing and painful and as much as you set me back, I am going to use you to propel me forward in 2019. It was in your darkness that I realized just how wonderful every speck of light truly feels. Because of you, I am going to fight for happiness and work on loving myself again as BTS has been telling me to do all year because you have given me a reason to finally need to more than ever.

Dear 2019,

Treat me gently. Greet me with kindness. Because if you don’t, I will bend you to my will because, dammit, I deserve happiness. I deserve comfort. I deserve 2019. I will get a job and maintain myself. I will attend counseling and work on fixing myself. I will love myself loudly and write until my fucking fingers fall off. I will go back to school in summer and look forward to learning because it’s what I love; I know now more than ever that it’s a privilege to get to go to school. I will ask for help when I need it and offer it when it’s needed. And I will never stop supporting those who supported me in 2018.

To those who were also hurt by 2018, just know that you walk into the new year cautiously right alongside me and it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to heal. It’s okay to prioritize yourself. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay. Because even today is cruel, there is always a chance that tomorrow will be kind and that’s a chance worth fighting for.

Sincerely, Rose 🌹