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#this lady got thirteen years of trauma in a twenty minute speed run
dismalzelenka
·
10 months
Text
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#today i had a pianist during a rehearsal go “wow your voice you just have so much natural talent i mean some people really work for years—”
#and i kinda snapped
#and i was polite but also i unloaded the entire story of the last thirteen years in the cosmic joke that is my life
#this lady got thirteen years of trauma in a twenty minute speed run
#she Learned Things today about existential despair and the societal clusterfuck that is the Trans Experience
#and how that intersects in the classical singing world in an incredibly challenging and fucked up way
#and how i went from scooting under the door into a voice program with seven lessons under me
#and then three years later proceeded to fling myself into a testosterone fueled vocal puberty in the midst of a professional singing degree
#and lost the respect and support of most of the vocal and choir faculty because everyone thought i was committing professional suicide
#if it werent for my own voice teacher (who at some point became the mother figure I'd never had) keeping me afloat i would not be here
#i have c-ptsd from the shit i went through in the choir department
#i had to drop out of school for a semester because my body just folded under the stress
#i started getting migraines severe enough i was hospitalized twice with stroke-like symptoms
#two weeks ago i had a former teacher from the early days deadname me in front of our colleagues
#she tried to play it off as no big deal and it just reminded me no matter how successful i become in this field
#no matter how much work i put in to overcome my past
#its always going to come back and find me through people who refuse to learn respect
#and somehow! im still here! im making a living in the field i trained for
#how many people in my generation in the arts degree sector can say that?? by some metrics i am thriving but jesus goddamn
#i clawed and fought and bit and dragged myself to where i am right now and had to find my voice TWICE and the worst part is
#she meant well
#the pianist i mean
#and i was polite when i told my story but it was so important to me that she understood
#no amount of talent would have gotten me here without sleepless nights and long hours and blood and sweat and tears and you know what
#maybe i am a better person for it but dont compliment me by implying i have some inherent gift from a god i dont even believe in
#dont tell me your god put me in this place to teach other people compassion
#i didnt brush the door of death as many times as i did for the sake of someone else's enlightenment
#its been a long 13 years. hell its been a long 2023. in the last eleven months ive had a fundamental upheaval
#of everything i thought i knew and understood about myself
#so yea im standing at the gate to hell looking the devil in the eye. try me bitch. ive endured worse.
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