#this new version DOES lack itachi's '????? what the fuck' moment

[mixelation]

unfortunately i really like minato completely wrecking iwa's shit but it's fundamentally incompatible with the POINT of the whole arc because team 4 needs to wreck iwa's shit. so now im debating similar story beats but it's an "iwa kidnaps genin!naruto" scenario. sorry to iwa for being this fic's punching bag ig

i'm thinking it's a team 7 adventure? no one has c ranks go wrong like them....!!

i'm thinking iwa doesn't even take them back to iwa, but they somehow separate the genin from kakashi and hold them captive somewhere. story beats:

we can't just leave the kids as completely hapless prisoners, so sakura gets herself out of her cell and goes and gets the boys out. she does this by looking deep inside herself and asking: what would tori do?

now there's genin LOOSE in the PRISON. they do not know what they are doing but they DO know many ways to make a fire!!!!

i've been headcanoning that naruto just like. has hiraishin markers on an alarming amount of his possessions. some of them (like the ones on his clothes) are for safety and some of them are just "naruto keeps forgetting his bento places so minato's solution is to make it so he can teleport to where it is." unlike kushina naruto doesn't have any on his body bc they're permanent and minakushi wanted him to make the choice himself when he's older (like, minato could and would take it off if naruto asked, but letting naruto have independence and make his own choices is important to them)

anyway iwa is paranoid af so they've removed all of naruto's possessions. no hiraishin markers. BUT, if it's post Cave Incident, the limitation of the marker needing the jutsu user's chakra is gone!! so they just need to make a marker with their OWN chakra and get a message to minato somehow that he should use it

naruto: okay i can summon a small frog and i know how to draw the marker. i just uuuuh sasuke: what naruto: have no idea how to infuse chakra sasuke: why

anyway they figure something out and get a rescue. idk maybe it's not even minato. maybe they get team 4. maybe itachi gets to go a little feral about his brother

minato is like maaaaan i tried playing nice, but okay.

i think..... given the way i've set up fuinjutsu...... and given they can hijack other people's hiraishin markers...... the one tori made out of blood in a fit of spite should be a functioning marker now????

tori: yeah i mean it's blood, so. just do the math minato: omg math <3

so team 4 goes and gets the genin and minato goes and visits iwa. i do want him to be horrible about it so maybe he intentionally fucks around to set off alarms and get more people out and about. then he goes and find oonoki and is like. look. we talked about this. what the fuck, man.

and then he still paints a maker on his forehead <3

[sazzafraz]

dropped a cup of coffee on myself at breakfast lets gooo

nodus tollens is my favourite chapter its not even close

like i actually LIKED writing it. i like writing in general but its about being someone represented with all the scary sword cards in tarot readings not actual fun. still annoyed i didn’t think of anything better than fucking HEMMINGWAY

A year and a half into working for Giri and Sasuke is sitting cross legged on top of a boulder looking out at a clear blue sky. They’re sitting by the edge of a huge cliff in Fire Country resting between assassinating some small time village leader and their next mission which promises to be heavy on full contact fighting. The sun is dipping towards the horizon, warm air ruffling their hair. Yumi is trying to throw Hiki off the cliff into the lake below, Haru is defleaing his dog and Sasuke is debating his next move in the long distance tactical game he’s playing with Juugo and Karin. It’s an Uzushio classic, like shogi but the board is made of three interlocked spirals and the movements of the pieces are based on the tides. Karin is slaughtering him. 

fun fact: literally started designing that uzushio game because i’m a psychopath. it’s also the first of three references, two in the same chapter, of sasuke and his teams, and then one at the end where everyone gets together. to make fun of sasuke. as they should. 

  There are seven graves by the edge of the sea with a bright blooming flowers planted in the centre spilling over the cliff. Tall markers stand as high as three metres in the air wreathed with ribbons in the colours of dawn and day... Sasuke spares a look back as he enters and sees those graves and flowers. The flowers have colonised the side of the cliff, growing strong and sure halfway down the rocks, slipping into crevices and tangling around each other as they race towards the ocean. Huge blooms of colour, bright reds, light pinks and creamy yellows are knocked about by the waves crashing against the cliff.      

if fuyuki even knew how much this colours sasukes opinion of her she’d beat the shit out of him. i think this was the second bit i wrote for her, after a few pieces of her and itachi. actually if she knew how much both of them are coloured by knowing her past she’d commit a crime. its pretty apparent to sasuke that these are memorials to children/those that died young and unfair. how would he know haha. i always intended the hashira and the uchiha as parallels. i think the lack of depth given to other clans sucks, especially when they have literally a thousand years of interaction. the only other one we have are the hyuuga which might have been an intended one but like. i’ve never bought it. 

anyway, back to sasuke. dude loves kids. he doesn’t figure it out until he has nine of ‘em, but he has a view of children that’s incredibly sincere. i pretty much decided that on my own cause: a) its funny, b) he was fucking SWEET as a kid and i’ll kill you before i let you tell me that kid went away, c) he’s from a huge close knit family/community and liking kids is the only way to get through that,

oh. also fuyuki does cotton on to his emotional compromise and IMMEDIATELY lies so he likes her more. morals who?

“It seems,” Fuyuki says into the silence, “that Sunagakure has decided we have a problem. I sent Mamoru as a goodwill ambassador to Wind a few months ago. It went well, and as Suna is a largely neutral player in most conflicts I did not see the problem in allowing a small ambassadorial group into Oto to further the relationship. At the fourth meeting one of the Suna delegation proved themselves to be a puppet and assassinated Mamoru. They were in the process of trying to loot us when they were killed.”

haha oh my god gaara fucks himself so hard here. we’re gonna talk about it. 

Now it’s leaving time and Sasuke is walking fast downtown, faces passing him as he’s bound for home base.

only two people ever commented on this. vip behaviour. 

Shikamaru raises a hand and waves.

Sasuke waves back.

Shikamaru looks at him expectantly across the crowd. Distantly Sasuke notes that he’s the taller of the two. Head’s bob and weave around the marketplace, someone drops an avocado which is swept up a child and her friends, the scent of cooking spices drift down from the top of one of the buildings. Sasuke and Shikamaru stare at eachother.

i never wrote the short for this but this is shikamaru’s nightmare scenario. finding sasuke when naruto is not with you is the k12′s personal hell. because konoha and giri are tentative allies it would be poaching to bring him back and thats something people still take seriously. shikamaru goes and gets FUCKED UP so no one trusts his report and he can claim that it was ONLY MAYBE THE PRETTIEST MAN IN THE FLEA MARKET. naruto finds out like a decade later and is extremely pissed even if he gets it. 

It’s a tale as old as the dust of the desert or the mountains that divide the nations. There is a boy who loses something. His honour, a cow, a sword. He has to leave his home to find it. He has to grow strong enough to do what has to be done. In the Son of Nobody the titular Son has to journey to the city to meet the princess and while he is away his family is murdered by a group of wandering bandits. Along the way he meets a beggar girl, the princess in disguise, and he allows her to tag along. There are many twists and turns, the Son becomes a noble shinobi protecting the princess and falls in love with the beggar. He finds the bandits that destroyed his home and avenges his family. But! Disaster strikes! The samurai have been told a lie about the princess and feel that their honour must be avenged. A group sneak into the princess’ room one night and defile her. One of the samurai is late to the scene and feeling so sick and ashamed of their actions kills them and ignites a real war between samurai and ninja. The disgraced samurai takes his own life in front of the princess as appeasement. When this doesn’t work the Son goes on to win the war and marry the girl.

this is just hatake sakumo. some creative liberty but its just the story of how he died embellished. i think some shinobi stories filter out and become like folk tales? like we’re gonna get to it. but there's no way they can have that kind of presence and no cultural impact. 

‘Heart, liver, eyes ’ Kabuto says when he’s done, ‘and put the rest in the garbage.’

for sensible reasons kabuto is the scary one. 

. Illuminated in the light of the lone flickering candle, bundled in odd cloth and grime, Kabuto looks faceless and formless. His skin has no color, his hair is limp, his eyes are turned completely inward searching himself for an some answer, some lodestone for the next leg of his journey. He looks like an orphaned version of himself. Sasuke has a brief moment of complete self-awareness. He stands above himself and looks down at the length of his hair, the uneven tan on his hands. His own eyes look at his boots, his non-descript travelling coat, the way he is never carrying more than enough money to carry him to the next town. He recognises nothing original, nothing remarkable. He’s as interchangeable as any soldier capable of swapping hands at a moment's notice. Many tools, many masks, many uses. He realises that that shifting formlessness is as much a part of him as his burning rage. It forms him just as fully.

i remember having a moment like this and it was so shocking it took me years to write about it. this nearly got cut, even though i now think its important. becoming ‘just a knife’ is important to sasuke’s development towards being just a guy. relating to kabuto is so personally disturbing that its sort of his turn towards leaving giri. kabuto actually disgusts him. unlike orochimaru.

“We called her the Fruit Eater after the foul seeds she planted in others which grew into giant poisonous fruit trees. When they’d plundered and destroyed the world enough for her foul tastes she’d eat the fruit from the trees and crush them to bone and blood under her feet. Her own children plucked out her organs one by one and cut them up into pieces. What they couldn’t eat they threw to the animals who turned into nine ravenous demons. They brought the demons together and sealed them into the form of a beautiful princess who was coveted by all.”

goddamn space aliens. i hate it less than most. i think i was still deciding if they’d show up at the end. either way i thought i’d just put them in in case i did. again, there SHOULD be a cultural footprint. 

The problem is that the Uchiha are predisposed to have thick hair and the main branch, the one that descends directly from Madara’s betrayed brother Izuna, comes with a tendency for...unruliness that Sasuke has gotten threefold. At this length it seems to be largely growing up and out, gravity be damned.

aww my loving rendition of his stupid duck butt. i have unruly hair so his maintenance is essentially mine. its such a distinctive thing i think people should take more advantage of. i wrote in crashing tides that he’s just an awful fashionista and i think that holds true. he tries new hair oils ALL THE TIME. 

[thefangirlslair]

PERPETUAL WINTER (A Sasusaku Fanfiction) Special Chapter

Note: Hi everyone! I'm back to give you the special chapter for Perpetual Winter, set as a flashback that will show how and why they broke up in the first place. I couldn't believe this is nearly 12k words, wow. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed and favorited on ffnet, and also who are waiting for the next parts to come. I love you all! Please leave a comment, like and enjoy. 💕  also, I really wish i could have written this in first POV, in Sasuke’s, but it would’ve been more painful. Besides, this was too hard to write. Forgive me!!

PS. I hope this would be enough for you until I write the part 2 and 3. It's all too angsty in my head, so sorry in advance to everyone. Don't expect a happy ending in this mini-series. Lol. So I've decided to write an alternate version which will be have a happy ending. I will post it at the same time with the final part/part 3. Please bear with me. Hugs! Xoxo

--

Excerpt: She just buried her face on his clothed chest, murmuring his name on her sleep. Sasuke felt her arm wrapped around his waist and her leg lifted to his hip. His heart ached.

'It hurts. It hurts so much. Please.'

With a kiss on her forehead, a face buried against her neck as his eyes gathered moisture, a pair of arms wrapped around her tight as if embedding her to him — Sasuke lets go.

-

Sasusaku Pairing (11,799 words) 

A Poor Attempt at Writing Fics

SasuSaku Edition VIII

Perpetual Winter Special Chapter

7 years ago

"You don't have to do this, Sasuke."

The melancholy and heartbreak behind his mother's words are heard that he almost choked. He can't look at her eyes, at both of his parents' eyes, because they'll know he's weak. He's crippled by the death of his one and only brother, the weight of his new responsibilities as the heir, and the inevitable impending doom of his relationship with Sakura.

He's absolutely terrified.

It's been a week since they buried Itachi, gone too soon because he chose to be the martyr, as he always do.

'Did', Sasuke corrected in his mind. 'The bastard.'

He gave a long sigh, still with his eyes glued on the table. He never saw the sympathy from his mother's eyes, as well as the concern on his father's.

It was a long week for him. It almost felt like years. He had been running on autopilot since then. How can you function when a big part of yourself died? The part of him where Itachi occupied, and will always occupy, is now a giant void in his being. He felt hollow. Numb. Dead.

The only moments he felt he's somehow a real person, alive and breathing, is when Sakura's holding his hand, whispering love and patience, loving him in tenderness and compassion.

Memories of her voice coming through his phone when he called her that night of Itachi's incident pierces his heart. He remembered his barely coherent words of disbelief and agony tumbling from his blubbering mouth; the echo of his voice saying 'He's gone, Sakura. He's gone. Itachi's gone' as if saying it will make it less real; and the reassurance he felt when she said that he needs to hold on because she's coming to him.

She's the only anchor he's got right now and the thought of letting her go because of his newly acquired burdens is so painful already. He felt his chest tighten. He's scared as shit, not knowing what to do. He knows that he has to do this, to do what Itachi would've done.

But there's a voice inside his head and his heart saying, 'But you're no martyr, asshole. You're not Itachi. You're Sasuke and you're a selfish prick. What the fuck are you doing?'

His father's voice echoed through the empty living room as he spoke, getting Sasuke out of his reminiscing, "I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. But you're right.. I need you. I can never trust anyone else other than you to take care of this, Sasuke."

"But he's still just a kid. He's just 19 for god's sake, Fugaku! He has his dreams to take," Mikoto retorted. Her eyes are welling up with tears, Sasuke knows this even if he doesn't see it. He can hear it from her voice and it makes him ache on the inside.

"He's not gonna be 19 forever, Mikoto," Fugaku answered back. "I gave him a choice on this matter, and he's decided."

Mikoto cried, "Don't you think it's too soon? I just buried my first-born just barely a week ago and now we're discussing how you're gonna ruin my youngest's life just like you did with Itachi?!"

The way her voice cracked when she said his brother's name broke his heart. She's still grieving, probably forever, and here they are talking about Sasuke's suicide.

His mother turned to him and said, "Sasuke, you can say no to all of this. I don't want you living your life like Itachi used to. I don't want you missing out on the world you still have to experience." She's all-out crying now, her tears streaming down her face. Sasuke is trembling from fighting the urge to look at her face.

"Sasuke," she whispered brokenly. "Please."

Fugaku just turned his gaze away from his wife and son. He didn't want to do this either. He saw how this changed Itachi's life, how his eldest son slowly deteriorated before his eyes because of the responsibilities he had to carry as the heir of their company. But he heard no complaints from him — always a smile on his face saying "Don't worry, father. I made my choice, and I choose our family." As much as it made him proud, it also made him feel regretful and guilty. Itachi never experienced the life he always wanted, and for that, Fugaku will always blame himself. Now his youngest son is going to do the same thing, and he's here yet again to see it all unfold.

Conflicted as he is, Sasuke has decided. He will continue what Itachi started. He will take on the role of the new heir and take over the company. He'll take care of it, as much as Itachi did for these past years.

It will cost him a lot, too much, but he will do it for the memory of his dead brother. He will take on the role of the martyr he never was, and take on the life his mother fought so hard not to taint him.

"I'll do it," he finally whispered to his parents. He took a deep breath and faced them for the first time since they started talking. "For Itachi."

The living room of the Uchiha household that night witnessed fear, pain and heartbreak — Fugaku's fear over the effects of all these on Sasuke, Mikoto's pain over the decision of her only living son, and Sasuke's heartbreak over the course of action he's gonna take after this night.

Tonight will be the last night.. and he had never been more scared in his life.

--

Sasuke went up to Sakura's apartment right after his talk with his parents. Walking around the city towards her place felt like a lifetime ago when he finally reached her door.

He didn't need to knock. After almost 2 years of being together, they both have a key to their place — he to her apartment, and she to his house and room. Sasuke inserted the key to her door and silently opened it.

Sakura's one-bedroom apartment is slightly dimmed. The short hallway that leads to her small living room with a sofa and a flat-screen tv is silent as he closed the door.

As soon as her scent hit his nose, he was flooded by memories from when they were friends til they became lovers — the two of them playing chess on the living room floor with, of course, her always beating him in every intense game; them watching horror movies while sitting on her couch and eating whatever he cooked for them; both of them with Naruto on the small veranda, talking and bickering until dawn; him kissing her on the cheek for the first time on her doorstep before he left her place, her looking up at him with those damned eyes of hers; them never making it on her bedroom after a huge argument that ended up with them having sex against the wall right beside her front door. Sasuke turned to look at it and remembered how hot and intense that was, and it only made his heart constrict more.

He wished this was only another silly argument that will inevitably end up with them tangled on each other, breathing each other's breath, and the same intense emotions running through their systems as they come high and come together.

Because that's the only way for Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura — they might fly to another place, leave for another planet, escape to another universe — but they always come back to where they belong.

Together. With each other.

His feet dragged him further into her apartment where he feels more at home with than his own house. Almost two years of being in Sakura's arms, basking every day in her love and support, really does that to anyone. Even the toughest of men can become a puddle just by letting your gaze linger too long on her. That's how powerful she is.

He stopped when he reached the slightly opened door of her bedroom. Sasuke always chastises her with her lack of regards for her safety but with the heaviness of his heart at the moment, he can't seem to care about it. All he wants right now is to see her and sleep this nightmare off. He opened the door silently and he saw her.

With her comforter up to her chin, he couldn't see what she's wearing. But knowing her, she might be wearing one of his old high school tshirts that she stole from him. She likes to flaunt it to him whenever he's there for sleepovers, and he's always there to make sure she gets the attention she deserves.

She's sleeping now, her pink hair in a messy knot at the top of her hair and her green irises currently hidden by her closed lids with those curled eyelashes. Her mouth is slightly opened and a soft snore can be heard where he stood by the doorway. His eyes soften at the scene.

Normal. Nothing new. Constant.

But it never fails to make him feel like it's the most extraordinary sight to see.. only for him though. Only for him.

But this will all stop after this night. He will never be able to see this scene ever again and it eats Sasuke on the inside. He fought the choked sound that threatened to come out of his mouth as realization hits.

'Why did you fucking agree to this fucked up shit, you dumbass? Why did you have to bring this upon her? Upon the both of you?'

As if sensing the turmoil in his whole being, Sakura shifted in her sleep. Her brows met and she let out a soft grunt as she turned to her side. A few moments later, her breathing went back to an even tempo and Sasuke knew she went back to sleep. He let out a pained breath.

Sasuke gently closed her door and approached her side of the bed. He slowly knelt on the floor facing her, his hand traveling from the soft mattress to her cheek. He traced her jaw with his finger gently, afraid that she might finally wake up.

How many nights has he done this? How many nights has he soaked in his reality that Sakura is there with him, all loving and soft and true? How many nights did he spend just looking at her sleeping face, praying to a god he doesn't believe in anymore that she will stay by his side forever?

He pulled away his hand, folded it on the mattress together with his other hand and laid his chin on them, boring his dark eyes onto her face. He can hear the faint sound of her clock ticking, as if reminding him that this is the last time.. that there is no time. But he paid no heed to it because right at this moment, there is still the two of them in this four-cornered room where they made love for the first time; where she first laid her guards down for him to see underneath her pinks and greens; where he first thought he can never love anyone as much as he loves Haruno Sakura.

They still exist at this moment, and he will treasure every single second left.

He stood up and went to the other side of the bed to pull off his sweater and his pants, leaving him in his black tshirt and boxers. He gently lifted her comforter and slipped in beside her at her back. His arm went under her neck to wrap around her shoulders, and the other on around her waist to pull her closer to him. He held on to her as tight as his wide-shut eyes. Sasuke inhaled deep and smelled regret, longing and love.

He felt her move. Her hands softly caressed the arm on her waist and gently squeezed. Her gestures only made Sasuke more desperate to hold her so he tightened his grip on her, only to loosen it a bit for he felt her moving around to face him.

Sasuke never saw her lids reveal those orbs he already miss, and he never demanded it. He thought it's for the best, for he knows his strong façade will crumble once he sees those eyes of hers. They have always been his weakness. She will always be.

She just buried her face on his clothed chest, murmuring his name on her sleep. Sasuke felt her arm wrapped around his waist and her leg lifted to his hip. His heart ached.

'It hurts. It hurts so much. Please.'

With a kiss on her forehead, a face buried against her neck as his eyes gathered moisture, a pair of arms wrapped around her tight as if embedding her to him — Sasuke lets go.

--

'"Let's break up. I don't want this anymore. I don't want you anymore, Sakura."

Words I don't even mean came out of my mouth. I don't know what I'm doing. What is happening to me?

I saw her face then, and I wish I never did. She looked so devastated, her tears silently rolling down her cheeks while her eyes spoke a million things.

Wait! I don't mean them! Don't cry! Please! I love you!

I desperately wanted to scream these words out loud, but all I do was just stare blankly at her. I don't see my face but I know it's in that cold expression I show everyone except her. Never to her. She's everything to me. I love her. I love her so much.

Her voice came ringing into my ear, utterly devoid of life and the Sakura-ness of her tone. "I hate you."

I saw her spit those three words and I braced myself for the pain but nothing came. All I felt was cold detachment and I wanted to punch my face to feel something. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Sakura turned around and ran away from me. I will my legs to move, to follow her, to chase her and never let her go. But my damn self just continues to stand there and follow her retreating form with my blank eyes.

Until I heard a loud screech, and then colliding sounds of metal to flesh. Then, a scrunch. I followed the sound with my gaze, and found Sakura on the road, her blood spilling beneath her head. It's pooling underneath her small form and the pink cashmere sweater, my favorite, that she wore for me absorbing the crimson liquid of her life.

I screamed inside, but still, my feet won't move. I continue to watch as she struggles to breathe, as she cranes her neck to the sky to take a breath to her lungs.

Sakura! Sakura! Sakura!

I don't know what the fuck is happening. This never meant to happen. I never wanted this. I don't want this. Please. Please. Please. Someone!

People with blurred faces started to crowd over her dying form in the middle of the road. They're all staring at her, watching her slowly die. Some even took pictures and some even scoffed as if it's a joke. Can't they fucking call an ambulance?! Help her!

A figure from the car that hit her emerged from the dark. The headlights of the car illuminated the scene, and made the face of the driver unrecognizable. Then he spoke, using a voice that sounds so fucking familiar.

"You killed her."

The crowd opened up and the dark figure stepped forward to crouch beside Sakura's now dead body. I can finally see the gruesome scene — her eyes are open revealing green eyes now dull without light in them, her mouth slightly opened as blood came out.

The headlights now illuminated the driver's face and the sight made me tremble from within.

The driver is me.

I killed her.

"You killed her, Sasuke," the man who is me beside Sakura told me again. He reached out to lift her head for me to see her dead face clearly. He looked at me as well and I wanted to scream. I wanted to look away but I can't.

Please. Make it stop.

I killed her.

"You killed her!", he shouted out. Anger, frustration, pain — all in those three words. "You killed her, you fucking coward!"

Then the blurred faces of the crowd slowly turned to me one by one, revealing their faces that made me want to die.

They're all Sakura, bloodied cheeks and lifeless eyes and all that she isn't supposed to be. And one by one, they chanted the same thing.

"You killed me."

"You killed me."

"You killed me."

"You killed me."

"You killed me."

It never stops. In my head, it never stopped. It all started on a whisper and now they're all shouting it to the heavens and I'm desperately gasping for air and I killed her and I killed her and I killed her and I wanted to die.

I want to die.

Someone. Please.

Sakura!'

--

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke woke up with a gasp, his hand automatically reached out to his chest as if trying to hold his beating heart. His eyes are wild and frantic, his skin bathing in cold sweat that made his t-shirt cling to them. He felt hands running over his chest and arms, and he heard soothing noises beside him. His eyes, filled with quiet dread, found her awakened form leaning over him and wearing his white high school t-shirt with those eyes showing concern and support.

'You're alive,' he said in his thoughts. He didn't know he said it outloud when he heard Sakura answer.

"It's just a dream, Sasuke-kun," her soft voice found its way to him, somehow calming his frantic heartbeat. Her hand is now on top of his chest, the other brushing his hair away from his sweaty face.

"Y-you.. you died," Sasuke stammered under his breath, his eyes roaming all over her face, checking for some speck of blood or evidence of her tears. His fingers found her cheek, slowly traced them as his eyes do the same.

He continued with his voice slowly becoming softer and softer, "I saw you.. you ran a-.. you ran away from me and then t-the car hit you and it was because of me and I ki-.."

He stopped abruptly. His hand fell away from her face and Sasuke looked at her, eyes wide open reflecting horror and pain. He opened his mouth to speak but they won't come out.

'I killed you,' he wanted to say, but he got choked up with the words and now he's seriously trying hard to breathe. He's gasping for air again, still looking at Sakura, and he can see how she tried to calm him down and let him breathe. He can't hear anything other than his heart beating too loudly against his chest as if trying to get out.

Sasuke suddenly found himself being lifted by Sakura, still trying to calm him down. He's now sitting on the bed, and she's kneeling on it facing him, running her hands over him as she slays his demons down.

"I'm here," he heard her murmur under her breath. "I'm here, Sasuke-kun. It was just a dream. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

He's now sagged against her, his terrifying nightmare finally taken its toll on him that it made him feel like he's made of jelly. His head is now cradled by Sakura against her chest, making him hear the pounding of her heart, and letting him know she's alive.

That lone fact made Sasuke's heart constrict, and made him release a quite breath of relief. His arms found their way around her small figure, tighten them and crushed her against him for him to feel her more.. to really know that she's there and not dead.

A whimper came out of his mouth because of too much emotion, but he smothered them by pushing his face against her neck. Sasuke breathes her in and thinks 'she's alive she's alive she's alive' as her scent and warmth greeted him back. He felt her own face on his hair, soothing words still spilling from her lips.

"I got you, Sasuke-kun," she says. "I got you. I got you. It's okay, I got you."

It's all not enough for Sasuke so he pulled his head away from her creamy neck and faced her. He saw her green irises and her pink lips and he loves her, so he grabbed her head and kissed her hard on her mouth.

Sasuke is still gripped by fear and the hard pounding of his heart says it all. It won't go away even as he roughly kissed her, drowning himself in the pleasure of hearing her quiet moans and tasting her delicious tongue. He pushed her down the bed and leaned over her. His hands found her knees and spread them wide open, only to grind himself against her. They moaned together.

But the image of her dead form bathing in her own blood is still vivid on his head, so he kissed her harder with his trembling hands running all over her body. His hand found his way under his old thin shirt she was wearing and grasped her breast, while his other hand is tightly wrapped around the hair on her nape. His lips are now on her neck, biting and sucking and kissing, and her moans and grunts are now loud and needy.

Sasuke left her neck to push up her worn shirt, only to place his hot mouth on her aching breast. He thoroughly sucked her hardened peak, earning him a low moan of pleasure, and in his frantic state he still felt his dick hardened in response. He moaned in return and continued his assault on the other as his hand traveled down to her panties and inside them.

He almost growled when he found her already wet and ready for him. Sasuke removed his lips from her chest and looked at her face. She's panting and biting her lip hard, her hands both wound around his neck. Her eyes stare back up at him hidden in half-closed lids, her mouth agape. His long fingers found its way inside her and he heard her gasp of surprise but later turned into a mumbled version of his name as his fingers picked up its pace.

"Sasuke-kun," Sasuke heard her voice laced with desire and lust that he couldn't help but kiss her for it, and he almost came right then and there when his tongue entered her warm mouth. His fingers abruptly pulled out from her and tugged her panties off, almost ripping it in half in his aggression. He heard her gasp in pain for a second but he paid it no mind. All he could think about at the moment was being inside of her.

He tugged his boxers down, not even taking it off completely. In his mind, if he's not inside her in the next second, the nightmare is gonna get her and he's gonna lose her for real and he couldn't take that. Being deep within her, that's the only thing that will ensure his fears of being far away from her.

Sasuke gave his hard member a few pumps before he slowly put on his tip against her clit to rub several times, and finally went down to enter her. His eyes almost rolled at the back of his head because she's gripping him tightly inside her and he couldn't help but curse aloud.

"Fuck," he panted against her neck. His tongue darted out to lick her skin coated in her own sweat and his saliva. Sasuke inhaled deeply as he pulled out completely before slamming into her again.

He's afraid he might see her with dead eyes and her mouth full of blood so he kept her face on her neck, never even thinking for a moment that he's now fucking her like a madman. Her cries of both pain and pleasure reverberates around her room, her hands desperately hanging onto his clothed back, clawing at his shirt for support. Her slender legs are tightly wrapped around his hips as he's gripping her thighs while he pushed in and out of her fast and hard. He couldn't hear a thing except his own mind.

'Don't go. Stay with me. Don't leave me.'

He didn't even hear himself whimpering throughout.

He closed his eyes tightly and focused on ramming into her, desperate and almost out of breath but he continued plunging into her, until he felt her hands holding his head to face her.

Sasuke stopped his movements as they both looked into each other, both panting and flushed, still joined as one. Her green eyes roamed his face, searching for something he can't tell. "Hey," she whispered.

His breath comes in puffs hitting her mouth and vice versa. He can feel her hot breath on his face and he badly wanted to look down to admire her opened mouth but her wide eyes are slowly sucking him in. He couldn't let him self look away even with his blurred vision.

Sakura kissed him gently on the lips, brushing them together once, and then pecked him again. "It's alright. You're here. We're here, Sasuke-kun."

Then he felt her fingers wipe away his damp cheeks. Not from sweat, but from his tears.

It's been a week after Itachi's funeral, and he never cried since. He never cried in front of anyone that time, not even Sakura. He let it all out once he got the chance to enter Itachi's room after the service, and he cried himself to sleep on his dead brother's bed.

And now, his tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Looking at her now, he sees it all — her in a white lab coat as he picks her up from work, her in a white wedding dress as she walks down the aisle, her in a white apron as she cooks for him and their future children.

All these possibilities, all these dreams; it hasn't even begun and now it's all ending. He remembers his responsibilities now as an heir, and remembers the promise he made for his parents and Itachi.

'Itachi was supposed to marry someone from our business partner clan when he turns 25. Unfortunately, the incident happened and now we're left with another decision to make,' he remembered his father explain. 'So we came up to an agreement to let you focus on your training first, as Itachi did, and then wed you to their daughter.'

He remembers the numbness that gripped him when his father's words sank in. He said yes and nodded like a robot throughout, steeled his heart and reminded himself that this is not for him but for his brother.

This is why he decided to make this last night with her memorable. He simply just wanted to lie down with her on her bed where they first made love, and hold her as she sleeps. He said to himself that he will be content with the memories, and that he is thankful for the chance to love her and to be loved back by her.

Sasuke is still looking at her with his eyes still shedding tear after tear. He'd rather lose her like that than lose her like he lost her in his nightmare. He'd rather lose her by letting her go than lose her by death.

Sakura's hands held his face between them and let her thumb graze his lips, fingers the valley of his nose and cheeks as she wipes away his tears.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke whispered to her. He found confusion on her irises and he continued, "I'm sorry for everything."

'I'm sorry for letting you go, Sakura.'

She continued to look at him. She stared long, but with soft eyes. Then she shook her head, "No."

She said it with so much strength and conviction he will never ever have and it took his breath away. She proceeded, "We are going through this together. We'll make it." Then she smiled at him, soft and tender. "You have to try harder than that, Sasuke-kun. You can't get rid of me that easy."

He knows that she's thinking about his dream. She knows him too much that even if he doesn't speak out loud, she knows what he's thinking. Right now, Sasuke knows Sakura is thinking he was so shook by his dream about her dying by his hands that he wants to get away from her to protect her. It's Sasuke's nature to bring it all upon himself, and then blame his own as well. Add that to the previous death of his brother, Sakura would think it's about Itachi. And he would like to be alone, as he always does.

Sasuke thought of telling her the things he has to do — the company, the training, the marriage in 6 years to a person he still doesn't know about. He thought of telling her the truth — that he already let her go, let them both go, let their futures go. It's inevitable, and by breaking up with her now, it will spare them both of the pain and heartbreak they might face if they continue this.

He let go. He really did. No matter how much it pained him, he decided to. He uncurled his fingers one by one around the person he's held onto tightly for so long.

But those eyes.. those powerful eyes of hers. They know. They know what he's trying to do and they won't let him. He can see the fire within her orbs, her determination to stay with him burning in her emeralds.

'I can't, Itachi. Give me more time,' he pleaded his brother. Before he came tonight in her place, he's decided that this will be their last night. But now he selfishly chose himself, his happiness, for once.

'Give me this one, aniki.'

And so Sasuke once again wrapped his fingers around his person, and held on for dear life for he knows it's not gonna be easy.

Still inside her, he softly pressed his mouth against hers, a polar opposite of the way he ravaged her lips earlier. His lips curled around hers, silently acquiesced with her statement. He gently pulled himself out of her, then slowly went back in.

He shivered in the way she called his name in pleasure, her teeth clamping on his shoulder and her nails dragging his shirt off him. He did the same to her when he's free of the cloth, and kissed her again.

They slowly built their pace; gentle and sweet at first, but then as they fill themselves with emotions, hers with understanding and him with trepidation about his current predicament, it turned into a wild frenzy of fear, lust and love. She's scratching and he's biting and she's moaning and he's grunting and they're both desperate, trying to give each other the solace they need.

She knows something is wrong but she kept going, still giving him all the love she could give in this time of desolation because of Itachi's death.

He knows something is wrong but he kept going, still giving her all the love still left in him in this time of desperation because of Itachi's death.

They both know something is wrong. But they both know that there will always be something right — this.

He went harder and faster, and her moans went louder and stronger. His hands spread her thighs wider, and her hands grabbed and pushed his ass deeper. His endless black found her bright green, and both panted through their open mouths.

"I love you," she whispered to him, heartfelt and true. Her words traveled all the way to his veins and he knows it's too late because he's in too deep. He was in deep the first time he ever saw her face.

In the midst of their tryst, she cried out her release and Sasuke bathed in the image of her underneath him, moaning in ecstasy with her eyes closed and her mouth wide open. He stored it in his mind for him to remember when everything is over.

He followed shortly after, his climax hitting him hard, making him out of breath and nearly delirious with pleasure. He buried his face on her neck and he felt her hands run over his mane.

He is aware that this might be the last time he's gonna be able to say it back, even though his original plan of breaking up with her tonight has changed. He's aware he's being selfish, but that's the only thing he's good at. He's not even good at loving her.

He's good at being selfish enough to stay with her for as long as he can.

And so he pulled away from her neck and looked down on her, finding that she's already peering up at him. She never asks for an answer whenever she says those three words because she already knows that he does. But tonight, he says it back, as truthful and as painful as it is.

"I love you, Sakura."

She smiled. Sasuke doesn't know if he wants that smile or not.

—

Days turned to weeks; weeks turned to months. It has been almost 6 months after Itachi's death, and it also has been that long since he made love to Sakura.

Don't get him wrong. They still have sex occassionally. But whenever they do it, which is seldom compare to before when they do it like rabbits, it always feel so rushed, angry and desperate. No more lazy morning sex or rare romantic nights after a dinner date.

Sasuke even forgot their second year anniversary, which obviously made Sakura down, but he knows that she gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, Itachi's death was 2 weeks before their anniversary. The wound was still fresh not just for Sasuke, but to all of them as well.

It all just came spiraling down after that. Sasuke dropped out of the university completely to focus on training for the company. His dream of becoming a lawyer was locked away at the back of his head and the bottom of his heart, never to see the light of day again. His father wanted him to see how the company works first before he studies business officially.

He rarely see Sakura anymore. She calls him everyday, but he doesn't pick up often. Sometimes it's because he's busy on his training, but most of the time, he doesn't accept the call in purpose. He doesn't want to hear her voice sounding so achingly sad. He knows he will crumble and go see her and they run away together where nobody could find them.

Sasuke knows he's hurting her. He barely take her out to a spontaneous lunch date or a surprise movie night-out. When they do see each other, it's almost awkward that he could taste it in his mouth. He couldn't even look at her in the eyes for more than five seconds and not look away. When they touch each other, it takes all of his control not to flinch. When they have sex, it's all a blur of pained green eyes and dead black ones.

The guilt is eating him from the inside, and his outside nonchalance for their dying relationship is eating her.

Sometimes, he wishes that she takes the initiative and leave his sorry ass because he knows he's not strong enough to leave her. Sasuke tried it once, and look where that got him — still holding onto her and watch as she slowly deteriorates in front of his very eyes.

He knows.

He knows it's only a matter of time. But his selfish self still wants her, even if that means breaking her; ruining her. Because if she's not there with him, what is he? Who is he? So he holds on to her — leaving bruises on her soul and splattering crimson streaks of guilt on his own being. He knows he's going to hell.

He might as well be there already.

—

At the eve of his 20th birthday, he finally met the family of the girl he's supposed to marry when he reaches 25. And surprise, surprise — the Uzumaki's.

He's been friends with Naruto since he was young and the Uchiha's has always been good friends with the blond's family. Mikoto and Kushina were classmates since high school and throughout college while Fugaku and Minato have been rivals just as long. Plus the fact that their family is one of their business partners, he should've known.

His dark eyes found red behind slim black frames, and Karin Uzumaki nodded in understanding.

Before this said dinner, they met beforehand to talk privately. Thanks to his loudmouth of a best friend, Naruto told him that he overheard his parents talking to Minato and Kushina about the said merger. The issue of a wedding made Naruto choke on his ramen and immediately called Sasuke. At first, Naruto thought about his own wedding. He's bethrothed to someone but he still yet to know. Sasuke heard the relief, as well as the concern, on his best friend's voice.

Sasuke already knew who she was, of course, being Naruto's only sibling that's only a year younger. But he never really paid any attention to her, except when there are business and family gatherings. He knows her as loud as her brother, but could be tightlipped and calm as her parents.

They talked about this upcoming wedding and what they thought of it. Sasuke informed her that he's involved with Sakura for almost 3 years now. He learned that she's single and has never dated nor been in love with someone.

Sasuke was asked why did he agree on this and he said the truth about Itachi. Karin, in response, said that she only wants what's best for their company.

"Besides," she added. "I don't have anyone else. Might as well just marry you instead of being alone. Plus, you're not hideous."

"Hn."

"What does your girl says about all this, by the way? She must've been an extraordinary one to keep up with your stony face all the time."

He didn't answer. Besides, Sakura knows nothing about all this. She's aware of his new role as heir and his responsibilities that comes along with it, but not this arranged marriage shit. He couldn't tell her.

Sasuke was taken back to their current dinner when he heard Karin clear her throat. He looked at her and she glared back, obviously annoyed by his daydreaming.

"Pardon?" Fugaku sternly asked. He seemed to be surprised by whatever Karin previously said.

Kushina also seemed to be perplexed. She looked at Minato briefly then turned to Karin and asked, "You both want to what?"

Even before Karin turned white, Sasuke rescued her by saying, "We both want to postpone the engagement."

At the corner of his eye, Sasuke saw Naruto look back and forth towards the two parties and silently slurped his water.

"Sasuke," his father coldly looked at him. He continued to be unfazed. "You cannot. We already prepared for the announcement next month. You can't just decide about these things without informing us."

"I did not say cancel. I only said postpone," he bit back just as coldly while looking directly at Fugaku. His father's eyes flashed for a second, surprised again by his tone. He continued, "Karin and I would be the ones getting married. It's our wedding, therefore, it's our shots."

Karin immediately added, "We just don't want to rush it. The wedding will be in 5 years time, anyway. Don't you think it's a bit weird to be engaged for that whole five years?" Karin looked at Sasuke for a brief moment then said, "We want to be engaged on the year of the wedding. Then you can announce it to everyone."

Minato thought about it for a while, then he smiled. "I understand." He turned to Fugaku and Mikoto then, "Let's give this one to the kids. Marriage is not an easy chore. They could get engaged in the year they're gonna marry. No big deal."

Sasuke noted with the way Kushina glared at Minato when he used the word 'chore' for marriage. Apparently, Minato shares the same thoughts with Mikoto. They're both against arranged marriage because they both experienced the same thing. Yes, it all turned out well for them since they grew to love Kushina and Fugaku. But nothing is certain, especially to any relationship. It would be hard as hell, and as parents, they don't want their children to suffer.

Kushina rubbed her temple by then and released a heavy sigh. She looked fondly at Mikoto and say, "We both have stubborn children, my friend. We might as well agree on their terms."

Mikoto saw her husband ready to retort but she put a hand on his arm and smiled at her friend, "I understand, Kushina. Of course. We'll support them." She looked at Karin to smile at her, then at Sasuke to give him her supportive glance. Sasuke can clearly see that his mother was relieved because of their decision.

On the way home that night, minutes before the clock strikes midnight for his birthday, the Uchiha's were silent throughout the ride home. Sasuke can still feel the dark aura surrounding his father. Fugaku was not impressed by his display of authority. Sasuke couldn't give two shits. He just wants to go home.

They finally reached their home and entered it. Sasuke continuously walked towards the stairs to his room when Fugaku's voice pierced through the silence.

"When will you tell Haruno that you're supposed to marry someone else?"

Sasuke stilled at the cold query, his fists automatically balled into fists as he fight for self-control to talk back at his father aggressively. He didn't see the clenched hand of his mother on Fugaku's arm.

He controlled his breathing and quietly said without looking back, "Sakura." He turned his head sideways, still not looking at them. "Her name is Sakura."

Fugaku ignored the way his son's seething voice. He continued to pry, "You should've cut your ties with her a long time ago. You're only making this harder for the both of you."

'Don't you think I don't know that?!' Sasuke wanted to scream aloud. 'Don't you think this isn't painful enough?! Don't you think I'm slowly killing her?'

But his father couldn't hear his silent pleas unlike Sakura, "You're gonna marry Karin Uzumaki. You should stop seeing her by now."

Fugaku was relentless, and Sasuke knows he got this from him. He's been living all his life jealous of Itachi because his aniki got all his good traits from their mother. He was gentle and would've been so, so good to his future family. Meanwhile there's him, sucking all the hard traits from their father. His competitive streak, arrogant way of speaking, harsh words — it's all Fugaku. And suddenly, he feels so exhausted.

Fugaku was still talking about the consequences of his actions and Mikoto was still trying to stop him when they both saw Sasuke looking back at them. The sight nearly made them nervous.

Moonlight comes in, illuminating the eerily cold and empty house. They saw their son with his head looking back at them, dressed in all-black like someone just died again. His dark eyes were hollow and Mikoto put her hand on her chest, feeling her beating heart aching for her son. Then he whispered.

"I love her."

It was soft and quiet, but his parents knew it was solid and true. It was in the crack in his voice, the shake in his hands on the banister, and the vulnerability in his eyes. They continued to look at him as the clock struck 12.

That awake Sasuke in his stupor and the walls on his eyes were seen again. Mikoto tried not to cry and Fugaku stood still, feeling like an asshole.

"But don't fret, father," he coldly stated, turning his head back to continue walking up the stairs. He took one, two, three steps; then he stopped for a second jusy to say, "I'm keeping my promise."

Mikoto and Fugaku Uchiha watched as their son dissapeared upstairs to his room, the first day of his 20th year looking bleak and weary as the first splatter of heavy rain was heard in their household.

—

It was the first snowfall of winter, he'll remember once he's bereft with only his remorse to keep him company.

Months passed by and they could feel the upcoming winter. Autumn leaves were long forgotten and frigid air came howling for a few weeks now. Sasuke feels restless. He feels something is coming up apart from the winter he's starting to hate ever since his brother's passing. Something gnaws at his gut and he couldn't focus.

He was driving towards Sakura's apartment, picking her up for their dinner. It's been almost 3 weeks since they last saw each other and Sakura finally convinced him to have dinner together. He booked a reservation in a classy restaurant in autopilot, already dreading the upcoming reunion.

"I miss you," she simply said through the phone. Sasuke bit back words such as 'I miss you, too' and 'Forgive me' and 'I love you'; only to utter a cold and detached, "Aa." He didn't get a reply after that, but he thought he heard a faint sniff on the other line before it went dead.

When he got to her apartment, he simply honked the horn of his car. It's been too long since he had been inside her place, knowing that there are too many vivid memories living inside it. He couldn't risk being in there. He knows he won't make it out alive.

A few moments later, Sakura emerged from the white door of her flat. And just like it always did to Sasuke, it all happened in slow motion. 'What a fucking cliché,' he thought.

Wrapped in a plain black sweater and red coat, lean legs in faded jeans, feet in her favorite sneakers — she looked beautiful. Even with those dark circles under her green eyes, she looked absolutely stunning to Sasuke.

Every step she takes as she makes her way to his car made his heart squeeze itself. He wanted to bury himself in her, to live inside her bones and just stay there so he could escape this reality. This is his reality now — no more dream, no more Itachi; and pretty soon, no more Sakura.

'It hurts,' Sasuke thought. 'It hurts, aniki.'

It has been a habit of his since Itachi was gone. He talks to him in his head. Sometimes, he could pretend enough that his brother answers him back. Tonight, Itachi's as silent as a dead can be.

Sakura finally reached the passenger door and slipped inside the car. She turned to face him, her face litting up and her mouth curling upwards. She shyly greeted him, "Hi."

Sasuke continued to stare, his eyes roaming around her face. He noted the slight pink of her cheeks, and he knows it's not just from the cold. There was an urge to smirk, but he fought it. She could just sit there and do nothing, and Sasuke would still be more of a mess than he already was.

After a while, he mumbled back. "Hi."

She smiled then, and slowly leaned towards him. She brushed her lips on his once, then pecked him lightly. Sakura brought her hands up and cradled his face, "You look thin. Are you eating well?"

Sasuke only nodded in response, not trusting his own voice not to crack under pressure. He could smell her — peaches and cream. He could see her — pinks and greens. He could taste her — mint and home.

'I missed you so much.'

He pulled away, making her hands drop. He couldn't look at her face. He knows she have that fake smile ready for him when he hurts her. Sasuke had already seen it a hundred times for the past year.

"I'm fine," he said. "Put your seatbelt on. We're gonna be late."

Sasuke didn't hear a response, and he didn't wait for any. He just started the engine and started to drive away for the 20-minute journey to the restaurant.

The awkwardness and the tension is palpable in the confines of his car. It took all of his control not to groan out of frustration. He just focused on the road, but Sakura is making it a hard time when he knows her gears running on her head.

Three minutes in and she cracked the silence.

"How's your training, Sasuke-kun?," she inquired. "I hope they're not exhausting you too much."

Sasuke wanted to say that it already took too much of him and now he feels bereft. But as the coward that he is, of course he can't say that.

"It's fine," he answered, his tone clipped and straightforward. "I'm okay."

He could see her nodding her head through his peripheral, "That's good. Is it hard? I know you can handle it, but I hope you're getting rest. I don't want you getting sick."

Her sweet and thoughtful tone made him grind his teeth. Instead of making his heart flutter, it made his gut churn that he wants to vomit right there and then. He doesn't know why but he feels sick. Something is coming up, he can feel it. It's like a flu that you know is coming but you couldn't do shit about it. It made him absolutely nervous.

Because of this, he answered in his usual response, that he rarely use with Sakura: "Aa."

Sasuke felt her look towards him at that. His heart spiked up because of nerves. He knows she's assessing the situation. She's always been good at that. 'Damn it,' Sasuke thought to himself.

"Sasuke-kun, is everything okay?," she asked.

'No. Nothing has ever been okay for a long time. It's all falling apart and I'm terrified of what's to come. I don't know what to do.'

Sasuke forced himself to sigh and look as if exasperated with her question to cover his true emotions and thoughts, "I'm fine, Sakura." He gave emphasis on words to carry more weight and to prove to her, and to himself, that he's really okay. He focused on driving. 15 minutes more and they will arrive.

It's the longest 15 minutes of his life. The tension he feels is suffocating.

Sakura is as relentless as him so he should've known that wouldn't budge her because she talked back, "Obviously there's something wrong. You could always tell me, Sasuke-kun. You know that."

This slight nagging of hers was slowly getting on his nerves so he blurted out, "Jesus, Sakura, I said I'm fine. Okay?"

Anyone who heard that would hear the slight irritation from it, as well as the frustration and exhaustion. He was gripping the steering wheel too hard and his jaw was clenched too tight as he heard her gasp in surprise from his lash out.

He briefly looked at her and saw her looking down at her lap and biting her lip. It's a habit of hers when she feels insecure and afraid.

'Great job, asshole,' he thought inwardly. 'You managed to get her fears back with just a few words. Keep this up and she might leave you after this. As she should.'

Sasuke ran his hand through his hair, his eyes still digging holes on the road. He exhaled slowly and softly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that." He knows it wasn't enough but he kept going. "I'm just tired, that's all. Forgive me."

It took her a few moments to recover but she looked at him and smiled lightly. She then said, "I understand. Of course. I'm sorry, too."

They continued the heavy silence until they reached their destination. Sasuke has always been a silent person, but he almost cursed the deafening silence at that moment that he could feel the words at the back of his throat.

--

The dinner was all a blur to Sasuke. They did small talk throughout the course, too casual for lovers of almost 3 years. There was no intimacy that always prevails in any of their activity, whether it's drinking coffee together or making love or holding hands. It made him remember that he already forgot when was the last time they had sex, let alone be asleep on the same bed and cuddling like bears like they used to.

They only talked about their current activities; him with his company training and her with her subjects at the university. He misses the times they spend together when they both have free period, when they were classmates at literature with Kakashi as their professor that blatantly call them out for doing practically eye-sex from both ends of the room, and when they both roll their eyes at Naruto for dragging them to his favorite ramen place at lunch.

They also talked about their parents and his cat, Colonel Mustard, and the weather and her new potted plant on her windowsill and a ton of other insignificant things. Sasuke felt that she was itching to talk about more important things but he always stray from those topics. He can see her disappointment every time.

Next thing he knew, they were exiting the restaurant and walking towards the parking lot. The air was a lot more colder than it was before they went inside the establishment. Winter was almost there.

Sasuke saw Sakura lick her lips multiple times throughout dinner, and it means she's nervous about something. It didn't help his already frayed nerves. It made him more weary of what this night still entails.

They got inside his car and he drove back to her apartment to drop her off. He can still feel her fidget beside him and he couldn't shake his bad feeling anymore. He asked, "What is it?"

"Huh?", she said, startled. He looked back at her for a few seconds and answered back.

"You're nervous about something. Tell me."

Sakura was silent for like forever. She was never like this. She has always been frank with her thoughts and feelings. So this behavior of hers started to irritate him and Sasuke prepared to berate her when she dropped a news.

"I got into Harvard," she whispered quietly.

His mind went blank for a moment after she said that. All he could process was few words.

Harvard.

America.

Far away.

Without him.

She continued to talk softly, "I was approached by Professor Shizune. You remember her? She's a former apprentice of Tsunade Senju, the one I was telling you about that's kind of a legend herself? Ms. Shizune apparently told Tsunade about me and Tsunade emailed me, saying I should apply for Harvard. She's currently teaching there. Shizune told me I should go."

She looked at him then, "I tried, and then last week I got the acceptance letter. I don't know what to do. I didn't tell you right away because I know you have so much on your plate already. I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun."

'She did it,' he said to himself. 'She's getting her dream. She always talk about that Tsunade and how much she could learn from her. She finally made it.'

He was proud, but the small, ugly and selfish part of him was slowly rearing its head.

'She's leaving you. She's finally leaving you.'

They stopped at a red light, then Sasuke faced her. "Why are you saying sorry? It's okay."

His words are soft and true, but his face and eyes say something else. He forced himself to smile, "Congratulations."

The light turned green and he stepped on the gas. He didn't dare look at her again. He couldn't breathe, and she said something that made even his heartbeat halt.

"I'm not going."

Sasuke whipped his head towards her, "What? Why?"

She looked at him intently and said, "I'm happy here at Tokyo. I'm enjoying my classes and I learn a lot. It's fine for me. It's more than enough."

They both know it's not true. She has always been an ambitious one and she will push her limits to get where she wants. Aside from that, she rarely has friends. Sasuke and Naruto have been with her since high school, and then there was her childhood friend back in Kyoto. Now that Sasuke dropped out of the university, he's sure she's always alone, with only the occassional Naruto when their free time match.

Lastly, they're both aware that if she wants to be the best in the medicine field, she must be in the best curriculum. Harvard is practically knocking at her doorstep right now. All she must do is open the door.

Sasuke knows what she said is true. But he also knows that a big part of her staying here in Japan is sitting just a few inches from her.

Him.

He looked away from her then, suddenly angry and frustrated and hurt at once. He doesn't even know to whom. Maybe with her, maybe with the world.

Definitely with himself.

'All you do is hold her back,' his own self seethes. 'What else are you good at, asshole?'

Sasuke is gripped with so much anger at her words thay he gritted his teeth so hard they can both hear it. All he could say was, "No."

"Sasuke-kun?"

"You will go. You have to."

"I don't want to."

"Yes, you do. I know you."

She flinched at that, "Don't you think it's my decision to make? I decided to stay, and that's that."

Sasuke noted the slightly angry tone in her voice and it only fueled him to go harder, "C'mon, Sak. We both know you have nothing left here."

Her voice was incredulous when she answered back, "What?!"

He scoffed, "Seriously? You have no other friends aside from Naruto and I. You're a shut-in. You don't even have a family with you."

Sakura gasped at that. He's aware of what he said and he wanted to take it back, but he was too busy being angry at everything at the moment.

"Stop the car," she silently asked.

He pretended not to hear a thing until she literally shouted, "I said stop the fucking car!"

Sasuke abruptly swerved towards the side of the road and slammed on the brakes. They were both almost throwned forward if not because of their seatbelts.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?", Sakura asked him, her voice shaking from too much emotion. Disbelief, pain, rage — Sasuke can taste it in his mouth.

He looked at her sideways, "What is wrong with me? No, Sak. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're giving up your dream!"

"I'm not giving up anything!," she screamed at him. Her eyes are wild and her breath comes in heavy.

"Oh, really? We both know Harvard is the best thing for you. Don't deny it to yourself. If you don't go now, you might not get another chance."

"I don't care! I want to stay here!"

"And do what? You're almost bored with your classes. You're always by yourself because you're too absorbed with me that you couldn't even try to talk and befriend anyone else. You're alone even in your own place because you live with too much memories of your dead parents in your old house and you couldn't take it."

"Oh you did not just say that," she sputtered. Sakura's eyes are wide with disbelief with his words. "You did not just tell me I should go because I couldn't live with my dead parents' memories. You should know how it feels to lose a loved one."

Sasuke regretted those last words. She's right, he should know what it feels like to lose a part of yourself. This argument is getting out of hand and he feels so fucking tired.

He sighed then looked at her, "What do you want me to say then? Don't leave me? That you shouldn't go? That I want you to stay? That I need you?"

"Yes," she said, her voice strong and her eyes determined at him. She nodded her head, "Yes. Tell me to stay. Tell me you need me."

Sasuke stared at her face, that face that he grew to love ever since he laid his eyes on her; that face that he first wants to see every morning for the rest of his life; the same face that he wants to stare at every night.

'This is your chance,' his thoughts suddenly said. 'You can end this now. Right here. Don't torture both of you further than you already did.'

He swallowed his real thoughts, most of them saying those things she wanted him to say. He doesn't want her to go. He doesn't want to let her go.

But his inner thoughts are right.. it is time.

Sasuke hardened his resolve and stiffly said, "No. I don't need you, Sakura."

'Yes, I do.'

Sakura shook her head, "Yes, you do."

He looked away to face his front again, "No, I don't. You think I need someone who makes me worried every damn day? Someone who's annoying like you?"

Sasuke looked back at her and added, "It only makes me tired."

Sakura took a pained gasp, his words slowly making their way to her heart. Her voice was cracked when she asked him, "You're tired of me?"

'No. Never.'

"Yes. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of us."

She blinked, her eyes still wide but dry. Green met his black for long moments until she asked him the question that will free them of this monumental fucked-up relationship, "Are you.. are you breaking up with me?"

Sasuke sighed, still looking at her straight in the eyes. He hoped she wouldn't notice how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. He had to do this.

"Yes, Sakura. I'm breaking up with you."

'No. Don't leave me.'

The silence after those words penetrate the small confines of his vehicle. Both Sasuke and Sakura stared at each other — black with cold indifference and green with shocked detachment.

Sasuke couldn't look at her anymore so he went back to facing the front of the car. He feels numb. A few minutes passed and he decided to drive her back home.

"Let's go. Let me take you home," he muttered under his breath.

The moment he pushed the gas pedal was when he heard the unclasping of her seatbelt and the opening of the passenger door.

He immediately slammed on the brake and quickly looked back at Sakura, just in time to see her get out of his car and closed the car door a little too hard.

"Sakura!", he shouted at her. He got out of his car and strode towards Sakura who is still busy walking away from him with brisk steps. His long legs reached her and he turned her around to face him.

"What the fuck was that?! You could've been hurt! What the fuck were you thinking?!", Sasuke literally screamed at her face. He's gripping her arms tightly and he noticed her shaking form.

"Too late," she whispered. Her breaths come in puffs and he noticed that it's visible now. He then realized that it was snowing. Winter is here.

Her eyes looked up and found his. Sasuke fought back a gasp to see her eyes without their usual light. It's all hard and cold.. just like his. And then she added, "I'm already hurt."

He wanted to pull her in his arms and embrace her, to embed himself into her or her to him, and never be apart. He wanted to warm her up with his mouth, his hands, his breath. He wanted to kiss her.

'You broke up with her remember?'

"Get your hands off me," she quietly asked him. "Please."

He flinched, "C'mon, Sak. Let me get you h-"

"And stop calling me that," she coldly asked. She pushed away his hands and turned around to walk away from him.

It was snowing and he couldn't let her walk all the way to her apartment, no matter how close it may be. It's only a 10-minute drive, 20 if by feet.

"Sakura," he called out.

She turned around so suddenly that it almost surprised him, "Don't."

They stood at the side of the road, with the sky crying snow around them, facing each other. Sakura remained calm and her eyes still dry. Meanwhile, Sasuke remained glued to the spot as the love of his life slowly break before his eyes.

"I should've known," she started. Her eyes are focused on him, never wavering. "I knew something wasn't right. Nothing's ever the same since your brother was gone."

Sasuke swallowed when she mentioned Itachi. Does she know? Does she know his awaited fate?

She continued, "And I know I should've confronted you for it. But instead, I fed your appetite. I felt it when you look at me, when you touch me, when you kiss me. You needed me, Sasuke. You need me."

'Of course, I do.'

Her eyes blinked and her voice wavered, "And I'm selfish enough to be happy when I'm needed.. and I'm sorry." Her green orbs watered then, "I'm sorry for using that to feed my own need."

Sasuke choked as he shook his head no, "Sakura, please. You don't.. you don't have to say sorry. I- it's me.. it's my fault. It's not you."

She laughed without humor when she heard that. She's still looking at him as she humorlessly let out chuckles, "What a fucking cliché." Then a teardrop fell from her. And then another. Then another one.

Sasuke felt like dying at that moment. All the crying he saw from her was never like this one. She looks so broken now, her mouth shaking from the cold and from her tears.

"I was tired too, Sasuke. I endured for a year. I swallowed the hurt when you forgot our second anniversary. I swallowed my pride at the restaurant where you stood me up on my birthday. I swallowed the pain when you left on your birthday without telling me."

Sasuke remembers it all. He will never forget their anniversary or her birthday or their tradition when it's his turn. It's just that he's too guilty about being with her and still delaying the impending doom of their relationship to actually be with her. He decided to deprive himself of his own happiness because he doesn't deserve it.. doesn't deserve her. He's just a coward to face it.

Her tears are slowly rolling down her cheeks, like the snow falling down on them. "I endured them all, knowing that you're still in grief, and you probably will be for a long time. I know the feeling." She took a deep breath and exhaled, still crying. "But never, not once, did I ever think about giving you up. Never."

His eyes blurred and he fought the tears that threatened to come. He swallowed hard and breathe deeply to control his emotions. Sasuke wanted to look away, but he couldn't.

"I deserve better. I know that," she nodded to herself. "But I still wanted you despite that.. because I love you." She licked her lips and took a step forward to him.

Sasuke watched as she made her way to him, her hands shaking and her eyes straight up looking at him. When she's in front of him with only a few inches between them, she spoke.

"So you don't get to break up with me, Sasuke," her voice strong and laced with genuine resolve. "I break up with you."

Her eyes are hard but still leaking angry and pained tears, "I break up with you."

Sasuke knows he deserved her hate, but he never thought it would be as painful as this. He didn't say a thing, just continued to stare down at her shaking form, praying to anyone to end this fucking nightmare.

Sakura's green eyes dimmed down and turned soft as she stares up at him. His heart skipped a beat.

"I wish you happiness, Sasuke."

—

Mikoto was drinking water from the kitchen when she suddenly heard a noise coming from the living room. She was startled for a second, but she put her glass down and tightened her robe. It was late at night and Sasuke must have come back. She made her way to their living room, only the moonlight provides little light in their house.

When she peered from the hallway, she saw Sasuke standing in the middle of the room with his back on her. He was deathly still looking out the great window of their living room. She silently and slowly approached him, then put her hand on his back.

"Sasuke?"

Her eyes went wide when her son looked back at her. Sasuke was crying.

"Kaa-san," he muttered, his voice little and broken.

She gasped then, her son calling her that term that he hasn't used since he was 13. She looked up at him and knew immediately what happened. Her heart ached for them.

A tear fell from his eyes as he looked at his mother, "She called me Sasuke." His eyes continued to shed tears as he said, "He never calls me just Sasuke."

Fugaku was at the top of the stairs and saw his wife and son in their living room. He heard the noise earlier and decided to check what it was. He saw and heard his now only living son slowly die in front of his mother. His heart clenched painfully.

Mikoto's eyes gathered moisture and she fought the tears as she watched her son look down at his hand and put it against his chest.

"Kaa-san," Sasuke called her again.

Mikoto swallowed before she answered, "Yes, Sasuke?"

Sasuke clenched his hand on his chest and gripped it tight, "It hurts." His dark eyes, still continuously shedding salty tears, found her own, "It hurts so much. Can you make it stop?"

His mother couldn't fight away her tears any longer. His face contorted in pain as she gathered him in her arms as they fell on the floor, with his head buried against his mother's shoulder.

"Please, kaa-san. Please. Make it stop."

Sasuke's wretched sobs reverberate around the silent Uchiha house, muffled by his own mother's cries. His father slowly made back his way to their room to silently cry alone.

Outside, the first snow of the winter falls, in sync with the tears from their eyes.

--

~fin~

(A/N: As you noticed, I made Karin and Naruto siblings, if you’re a bit confused about that. Hope you liked it and made you feel some things, no matter what those may be. Lol. See you soon!)

part 1 | part 2