#this redacts the flashback due to it being much more triggering

[snow-system-wol]

It takes a decade of freedom and a few months of actually remembering why he cared so much in the first place, but S'ria finally realizes that his hair length need not be dictated by anyone's wishes except his own.

Ao3

Ao3 -- with flashback

(The story below is the safe flashback-redacted one, but still light tw for panic attack)

There was no reason his hair he could not cut his hair short, should he want to.

Once the thought was in S'ria's head, it was impossible not to continuously think about it for the next several hours. He turned it over and over until the thought became a well-polished stone. His hair didn't have to be so very long, not like it is. He could literally just shorten it, no one could stop him. S'ria really liked that idea, of how easy it could be. He could do it right now. He was going to do it right now.

S'ria snuck off to find a set of shears that would probably suffice. He stripped out of half of his clothes, knowing this would be a bit messy, and sat in the middle of his bedroom floor. A shirt full of hair would've been annoying, but hopefully the floor couldn't be too hard to sweep.

S'ria held a chunk of hair, hands shaking.

Surely it couldn't be this easy? He trailed his fingers up to a point a bit below jaw length, nodding. It was a thrilling and terrifying prospect. He was looking at an entire fulm and half to chop and he crunched the numbers involuntarily (two moons for an ilm, 18 ilms to remove –) 3 years? It was 3 years to regrow if this was a mistake? The thought made him feel a strange mix of dread and excitement.

Suppressing the former, he closed the shears on the section of hair he held.

It would've been nice if it was a single dramatic movement. It didn't cut all the way through immediately, it was too thick for that. It took a series of unsatisfying movements chewing through layers to make it the whole way through, and then suddenly a long bundle of hair was loose in his hand. S'ria abruptly felt as though he couldn't breathe.

[Redacted Flashback]

[Ao3 link with flashback included linked above]

 

–after all, you're not supposed to be cutting it off, but you already have. Nearly a third of your hair now stops above your shoulders and you're holding the rest in your hand, and you are in so much fucking trouble, why did you do this–

There were footsteps behind S'ria and he whipped around, holding the shears like a dagger. Tataru lifted both of her hands up, palms open, and stepped back.

"I wanted to see whether you wanted any fruit tarts, but I heard – um, are you okay?"

S'ria shakily lowered the scissors. He was also suddenly very aware of being shirtless …It was just Tataru, that was fine, he was fine. Her eyes moved between the fallen hair and the incredibly uneven cut ends to the right side of his face, wincing just a touch. S'ria shrunk a little further in on himself.

"Should I have asked before I did this?"

"No, of course not – it's your hair. Just… what are you using and where did you get those?"

S'ria tucked the shears behind his leg. "Suddenly I feel like I shouldn't answer that question."

Tataru paused and S'ria believed it took great restraint on her part not to question it further.

"May I help, at least?"

S'ria froze, thinking it over. It wouldn't be bad, to have help, but it also felt like giving up. He didn't need someone else's help to get past this fear, he wanted it to be his choice.

"Let me – let me cut it to the right length myself. Then you can help."

S'ria lifted hair off of his neck so that one blade of the shears could fit underneath. He sat like that for at least a minute, telling himself to just keep going. A part of him wished Tataru would leave – but equally, he was glad she stayed. Easier not to lose track of where he was that way. He lowered his hands and stared wordlessly at Tataru until she got the hint and turned to face another direction. S'ria gathered his resolve and managed to quickly cut all the way around, what felt like ponzes of weight falling away. He shook his head, feeling the short ends shift about his face and neck. Had his hair really been that heavy?

S'ria looked at the edges – oh, it was so uneven. A laugh bubbled out of him, and he was surprised at how genuine it was – he'd actually done this and it was a truly awful job, wonderful. Truly and without sarcasm, wonderful.

Of course, Tataru disappeared to her quarters after and came back with much nicer scissors that may have actually been meant for cutting hair.

"Don't you worry, I'll have it looking perfectly done in a moment."

S'ria cringed, leaning away for a moment.

"Oh – what's wrong?"

He didn't want perfect, he didn't want to need to care about that in the slightest. A part of him wanted to keep it exactly as is, terribly done. He could concede that some parts of it would bother him, if left like this.

"Can you just even it out to mostly the same length? Don't fix anything else, please."

"Okay, can do!"

S'ria appreciated it. He knew it was probably very grating for her, painful even, not to be allowed to make it look fully better. She cared, and she wanted it to look good, and S'ria almost felt bad for forcing her to let go of that. Tataru stood behind him, pushing on his shoulder to try and get him to slouch down a bit. S'ria obligingly hunched down a little extra for her. As she started to shift through the layers of hair he'd cut, something else occurred to him.

"Wait, wait." Her hands withdrew immediately and he loved her for that. "Don't tug. And don't let the scissors touch my neck."

She smiled at him like it wasn't even a big deal to ask. "Of course, whatever you need. May I?"

S'ria nodded and she returned to her task. Tataru was so careful, so gentle, that the tension quickly left him. There was never any pulling, never even a hint of metal against his neck, just tiny snipping noises and the tickle of hair falling on his shoulders. Hmm, he wasn't sure he'd fully thought through how to clean the hair off of himself.

It did not take her long to be finished, dusting hair off of her own hands and arms.

"There we go! Do you want to look in the mirror?"

S'ria grinned. "No. I think I'm good, actually." And oh, it felt good to refuse to care.

(Of course, he would get curious later and actually look at it, and it was so wonderful to hardly recognize any of his younger self left in the mirror.)

[melchron]

Nightmare Time Episode 3 Thoughts

I usually save this for the end of my thoughts but I have to say this now. OMG MATT DAHAN!!! I WILL NEVER NOT BE IMPRESSED BY HIM! Usually with the episodes I catch 1 or 2 motifs but I swear I caught everyone this time. And they all fit so well. My attention was evenly split between the music and the story this time. It was so freaking good. Matt deserves all the awards like omg.

I think this is the least laggy the theme has been. Good job going all out for the last one!

I said to my mom "Did Shashona record this video?" and she did!! Great cinematography Shashona!!

I also pointed out the Tim's daddy mask. I said "Aww he's wearing a mask for his son!". I guess my mom got confused and forgot Tim's name because she thought I was talking about Dylan's (nonexistent) son.

THE DRILL PRESSES!!

LEX AND ETHAN

I kind of already knew this but I love that Ethan knows cars. I just likes that he has a hobby.

Lex cares about Tom so much I love it.

WHY DID JANE TRY TO KILL ETHAN?!?!?!? TOM DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO HIM!!!! DID SHE HAVE SOME PERSONAL REASONS LIKE WHY!?!??!

That Lexthan interaction was so cute. I love how he saw she was super sorry and scared and he just stopped being mad and comforted her. They are so cute I can't handle it!!

KENDALL!!! Ok so through out this whole thing I know everyone was excited for their favorite character to come back but I really just wanted to see Kendall again. I guess after BF I assumed we would never see her again because I couldn't see them working with children becoming a normal thing. But when the original cast announcement came out I got so happy to see her name. So I was super excited to see her.

Her covering her hair with a beanie looks better than the wig

UNCLE PAUL I'M SOFT I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!!

Cineplex Teen is like Larry from tawog. I guess we should start calling him Obnoxious Teen then. Until we get a name.

I love that Tim immediately likes Becky. Wish I could say the same for my stepparents.

Santa Claus Is Going To High School bb. Also I want to hear the rest of that song. Also also how many wigs does Lauren own?

TONY GREEN

Why must they make love to this movie everytime? Can't we simply just watch it and make fun of like normal people? That way Tim can enjoy it too.

Good for Jane for making sure her son doesn't have to eat disgusting school lunch. She gets good mom points.

Aww Becky reassuring him he's not a Dummy

Becky is like really horny this episode. Honestly Tom's into so go ahead girl

JAIME IS JANE

OK OK OK SO Jane said they were driving home from her parents house. Which means they were still alive when Jane died. That was only a year and a half ago so the Perkins parents might have died more recently than we thought. It's like Spring of 2019 right? So Jane died around Fall 2017. I don't remember if this was said in the show (it probably was and I'm saying nothing new) but I think Black Friday takes place about a year after her death. Tgwdlm took place October 2018. They have to have died only a few months before then. How long had Emma been in Hatchetfield before tgwdlm? Maybe there is a possibility we can see a flashback of an interaction with her parents depending on how long it's been. Also that means Emma lost her whole family in the span of a few months omg. And Tim lost his mom and his grandparents in that time. I want to see how they grieved with all of that. Also I know I'm crossing universes here but Emma also almost died the same day Jane did. Some strange force must really have it out for the Perkins family. Good on Emma for surviving like a champ.

Ok so I thought they went scouting for girls because Jane didn't want the man she loved to have to devote the rest of his life to a car. I thought she was trying to help him move on. She was getting good lover points but those have since been redacted.

Jane is definitely bi and I love that for her. I don't care if she tried to kill her new crush. It was new enough for it to mean nothing.

GREENPEACE GIRL

Tom does look like a creep ngl

Jane reminds us she's a car a lot. Like girl we get it.

No. No. No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NOPE! We're not talking about it. I don't want to. I stared at James the whole and honestly same dude. I saw Nick in my peripheral vision and loved/hated that he was laughing. RIP to me watching this with my mom. RIP to Kendall. Actually rip to everyone who had to sit through that. RIP to Jaime and Dylan for having to perform that. RIP to the cursed rehearsals. Matt and Nick seriously took the time to sit down and write that. What the heck you two?!? This made me more uncomfy than the entirety of mamd and Ted's character combined. I wish I was exaggerating. Maybe this was just me but it felt longer than it needed to. The relief and worry I felt when Tim walked in is a feeling I can not explain. Glad he was clueless.

Tim sweetie I love you but SHUT UP

Jane is crazy and Jaime is doing such an amazing job at portraying that.

Yes Tom. Because grave digging is way crazier than possessed cars.

I asked my mom why the didn't just go grave digging for Jane's body but my mom said the body is probably all rotted and gross so that explains that.

Why didn't Becky just go inside? If she went far enough I doubt Jane would have been able to hit her even if she managed to break into the house. Also let's assume Becky's house had an upstairs. There, perfect safety.

Did Becky seriously die in the same woods as Stanley?

Ok so I thought the tree thing was a reference to little Irish girl Becky from the Black Friday sk10 stream. But now it seems like something more serious and bad happened so I'm curious.

DID JANE GET TOM ARRESTED?!?!? It seemed like she could drive herself at that point. Why not let him get out and get Becky yourself? Is this that self confidence thing Tom talked about?

Is she really about to have her son be obsessed with Ms. Becky for the rest of their lives or is she gonna tell him?

This next episode made me physically jump twice. I say literally a lot but I promise you I'm using it correctly when I say I literally jumped.

KENDALL'S SINGING

I saw the thing about the ukelele being a bday gift from the cast so this was super sweet

Ok personal time. My grandmother's name is Pamela and my mom decided to permanently cut ties with her a few months ago due to her abusive behavior. Me and my sibling are still allowed to talk to her whenever we please but we haven't seen her as much as we used to. I got kind of scared watching this with my mom because I was scared this would trigger something. She didn't say anything and I didn't want to bother her about if she was fine so I didn't say anything. Anyway this just kind of hit different for me.

JAIME'S RANGE OMG

"I want to be alone with my man." Ms what are you about to do to your Tv?

DON'T GIVE HER BEER

Duke seems chill. I like him.

LEX AND ETHAN GOT ARRESTED!?!?!? FOR SELLING HER PILLS!?!??! THAT SHE TOLD THEM TO SELL!?!?!? I HATE HER!!!

Does Ms. Foster have a type or is being male good enough?

Hannah's 14? I thought she was the same age as Tim. I could have sworn in the BF commentary track they said she was 9 or 10. Did my brain make that up?

How does Kim change her hair so quickly? She did this in episode 2 too? I could never. I am very impressed.

Curt and Kim talking over the phone while standing shoulder to shoulder was funnier than it should have been

Ms. Holloway is cool. YAY MOSTLY GOOD WITCHES

How does Ms. Holloway know? I need a backstory please!!

Ok so I saw Jon in his cape and thought he might be the with. But then I saw James in his cape I y'know stopped thinking that. Anyway I'm obsessed with Jon and James in capes. Kind of wish Corey had one too.

OH I JUST THOUGHT THIS AS I'M TYPING NOW ok so that tree she was talking to at the beginning was one of the tree people. I'm embarrassed it took me this long to realise it.

Hannah is way too calm about these talking trees and sometimes spider ladies. I respect that.

There was a lot of black and white theming in this episode. More than normal. It makes me more curious about what exactly Hannah's connection to it is.

Hannah almost died in her own mind. I was kinda hating Ms. Holloway in this moment because she forced Hannah to go into her mind. But I know she had to so I'm cool with her again.

THE STARLIGHT THEATER

Did she really say just don't be scared next time? Like miss some actual advice would help.

CAN MS. HOLLOWAY'S MIND LEAVE HANNAH ALONE?? Like I know you didn't get the reaction you wanted out of her but you're seriously gonna give up and go for a little girl instead. Pathetic.

"What's shakin', Banana?" That was the first time I jumped.

WIGGLY

What exactly is that 6-legged girl? I wish we had a visual. Also how couldn't Ms. Holloway help her? What was her issue? Npmd you got anything for me?

Wiley. Just seeing him come up. That was the second time I jumped.

Also everyone already said this but props to Joey for his commitment. Shaving in between episodes like omg sir you didn't have to go all out for this. But you did and I appreciate you for it. Also HE KEPT THE JACKET?? WHAT!??! Just fully committed to this character go off Joey!!

Usually I would laugh at stuff phasing through the green screen but this just made it creepier.

HOLLOWAY AND WILEY/WILBUR BACKSTORY PLEASE

But also I love how the script had him listed at Wilbur above his lines. I remember Nick called him Wilbur once in the commentary track (possibly by accident) but it's nice to have it in cannon. I don't remember I any of the characters called him Wilbur because I'm so used to seeing Wilbur and Wiley used interchangeably but this was just nice to have canonized.

DUKE PAY ATTENTION!! FREAKING USELESS RIGHT NOW!!!

Dang Wiley she was already being choked in the physical world you didn't have to choke her in her mind too calm down

YAY MORE DOLLS

NICK I WAS KIDDING ABOUT AN APOTHEOSIS DOLL

Is the mouth one (I see we've named him Nibbly. Good because his full name is too long to type out) gonna be the npmd villain? The pick color theme seems cool.

ANGELA'S TRANSITION THOUGH!!! Omg she switched roles seamlessly. And her voice too!! Go off Angela.

MARIAH IS WEBBY

This is random and unrelated but I never noticed how big Mariah's eyes were before.

So Webby and the Doll Gang are all siblings? I find it interesting that the were described to all where black. And Webby's color theme is white. Like how the good and bad ukeleles were white and black. This might sound really dumb see as we don't have a 100% accurate visual of the black and white but I wonder if Webby ever left would it be 100% black? Like if Wiggly went through the portal would it become a little less black? Does this make sense? Also I'm starting to see the black and white as less of a bad place. Its starting to see more ominously neutral.

Hannah's favorite show is He-Man no I do accept criticism.

Ms. Holloway is a nerd. She saw Hannah make the reference and was like "Huh. I f she likes He-Man maybe making this hat a reference will make her like me." She would only know if she watched the show. But then again she seems to be stuck in the 80s so maybe she just thinks that's what's popular with the kids.

MS. HOLLOWAY PLEASE GET LEX AND ETHAN BACK

AND ANOTHER GREAT SONG TO END IT OFF

This episode was......a lot. So much happened. Loved all of it. I am scared of Nick and Matt's minds but also incredibly grateful for them. As usual everyone's acting was top notch.

I love this episode.

Also I'm just gonna say it. Jon ruined Nick's season one reveal.

[bullet-farmer]

I really, really, really, really, REALLY hate my ex therapist

No seriously. I hate very few people in this world, and she is at the top of that list. Because at least my abusers weren’t in a position of medical and legal power over me.  CW’s for: therapist abuse, (C)PTSD and symptoms like flashbacks, work problems and other ADHD-related issues, self-injury, ableism, ageism, and saneism.  This is an excerpt from a letter I can never send my ex-therapist because they told me I put her in danger and threatened her because I went to the ER during a massive panic attack/episode of suicidal ideation following a string of traumatic events that included the death of a family member. I’ve redacted some personal details about myself and the therapist’s name--though, truly, I wish I could warn everyone in my state away from them.  Today the flashbacks have been really, really, REALLY bad--triggered, of course, by a problem at work. Work is a sore spot for me. Quick summary: I didn’t handle a suicidal crisis in the best way possible because I emailed my therapist too much and said that her staff (who I never knew existed until they were reading and responding to my emails to her) gave me some unreasonable ultimatums about getting to an ER--as in “get there in ten minutes and give us all your intake info or we’ll call the police.” Which state law doesn’t mandate, by the way--and yes, I’ve looked up the code. After the event, ex-therapist told me several things: 1) I should go on disability (my work problems are almost entirely centered around ADHD time-management issues, untreated trauma, and exhaustion from working almost nonstop for a decade without any significant time off.) despite, you know, that not being enough for me to live on and the fact the disability office would take one look at my work record and deny me repeatedly. 2) I am too old to be effectively treated by anyone outside of inpatient care (and, I suspect by that, that she meant long-term institutionalization). (NB: I’m one year older than she is.) 3) That my ADHD meds were to blame for me having a “manic episode” despite the fact I...hadn’t taken them for days. When I told her that, she responded by: “I don’t think taking them is a good idea.” 4) That ADHD, which I am being successfully treated for, isn’t my real problem, but “bipolar with mania” is. As if, you know, only bipolar people ever have breakdowns after dealing with a divorce, a loved one’s death, and the loss of their childhood home within fourteen months of each other. There was a lot more to it, including her accusing me of being a criminal because I said I had a problem with how her staff handled the problem (???.gif), her saying that the fact I disagreed with her about treatment “proves her point” that I need to be hospitalized, and so much more. But I don’t want to get into it all now.   The letter is over 8,000 words long. The only way I’m getting through this hell I’m living in right now is to read it again and again and keep adding to it. Why? Because no other therapists right now can or will see me. I keep calling around, and either they’re booked for months, they don’t answer my emails, they charge too much/don’t take my insurance, or they just say they’ll talk to me and then suddenly give me this “oh, actually I’m not taking any new clients now!~” spiel.  And, you know, I have a _lot_ of trust issues around therapist, and therapists who have abused me before, that are underpinning the trauma here. Suicide crisis lines won’t talk to me because I’m not in immediate danger of harming myself anymore, even though I think about it a lot. And TBH? I feel like I’m just wasting their time when I call. So, yes. I know I’m retraumatizing myself by reliving the experience over and over and over and over...but I don’t know how to stop. And at least writing about it and reliving it makes me feel like I’m in some semblance of control. Here’s the excerpt about how her firing me has affected my work life. The effect your irresponsible, cruel behavior has had on my work life is incalculable and has cost me, already, thousands of dollars in lost clients and discounts I’ve needed to give to keep the ones I have happy. On the one hand, yes, this comes from mental-illness-related and ADHD-related work problems that are my responsibility to correct. I fully admit that and am doing my best to overcome them.  On the other, I have been through four traumas in less than eighteen months, and I can only do so much to mitigate the effects—particularly when a therapist abandons me after telling me I am too messed-up to ever hold down a job, after months of telling me I could, indeed, solve my work-related problems. Every time I [try to do my freelance work], [ex-therapist, I hear what you said about me being too messed-up to work and too old to ever be treatable. Every time I struggle to stay focused, I hear what you said again, and I flash back to that day, and to all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Every time I miss a deadline, or make someone angry at me, I feel suicidal and have to fight not to revisit the plans I’d been making that night I went to the hospital for a crisis evaluation. You failed to understand what my work means to me. I’ve had a lot of disappointments in my life, [ex-therapist], and a lot of failures, and part of being mentally ill and a survivor of multiple traumas means I struggle to put those failures into perspective. But one of the things that truly made me happy over the last 15 years was [my job]. It is something, timing issues aside, that I’m good at, that I’ve received recognition for, and one of the few ways I feel I can actually help people. I failed to be an academic. I failed to be a writer. I failed to hold down a “typical” nine-to-five job, to be a good craftsperson, a wife, a family member, a friend, and a good Christian.

But at least I hadn’t failed at [my job]—which I virtually taught myself to do with only a handful of classes. You’ve now destroyed that for me, [ex-therapist]. I can’t [even start to work] without having a panic attack and feeling that I’m a failure at the one thing I thought I could do right. I’ve lost contracts due to my inability to focus on anything but what you said to me.. I’ve lost sleep, I’ve lost friends and associates of several years’ standing, and I’ve had constant thoughts of cutting myself again—after over a decade of not doing it. You’ve destroyed one of the only things that made life worthwhile for me. And I don’t know if I will ever get that back. But hey, you distanced yourself from me and convinced yourself that you’re not a hot mess of a person like me, so I guess all’s well that ends well, huh? Because that’s what therapy is all about for you, [ex-therapist]: you. Your feelings, your ego, your self-perceived saintliness, and need to harmvulnerable people in order to feel better about yourself.  I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m drowning almost every day.