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he's considering the hottest way to kill tristan<3
#after they have sex. obviously#this render was just me messing around in blender but i think it's good enough to post right???#when life gives you lemon. listen to fire emblem three houses music and make kas renders#ts4 render#kas
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So, I've been dealing with burnout by messing around in Daz3D a lot, and made Valefar to the best of its ability, which turns out is pretty advanced. It's basically a glorified character creator with a moderate learning curve, and I had to do a lot of touching up in CSP since the clothing system is very hit or miss. The spots and scars I also added myself by editing the base textures and will probably see a revamp at some point since I'm not that happy with the one over his eye. Unfortunately, I'm not well versed enough in 3D programming wizardry to figure out how to seamlessly edit over... well, seams. Yet, anyway. And I tried a dozen different ways to do something more efficient and more accurate than my initial attempt, but turns out what I did actually *was* the simplest. lol
Other features I intend on doing myself, such as his branding tattoos, horns, tail, paws, and maybe hair if I'm feeling brave. Since his is technically longer and usually tied back with a ribbon. All of that sounds very simple but then you gotta remember that it must be done in Blender and I die a little inside. Because nothing is ever simple in Blender. Anyway.
The cool thing about Daz is that you can create scenes and such and the lighting system is very good and it's fairly easy to light a scene and take pictures decently well within a few minutes. I have yet to perfect the art so all I have to show are WIPs and "test" renders.
The first two here were from a much earlier version of him before I figured out how to bend the horns to my liking as well as the lower half of his face. The last one was also kind of an experiment. The clipping is an unfortunate feature that I don't think can be easily fixed from what I know. The clothing layering system is rather... unintuitive. But thankfully, I have the skills to just edit whatever most bugs me in CSP. lol
Also I like making his eyes do the thing.
He's about to get The Zoomies.
#haligren's ocs#my ocs#my oc valefar#sitra achra novel#dnd oc#daz3d studio#daz studio#3d art#my art#haligren's art
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Let me be the first to bring you the latest simming trend, before all the cool cliques kids jump on it: turning your sims into shiny plastic dolls and then “packaging” them into a framed background!
How is this achieved, you might ask? It’s so simple!
First, you must abandon your attempt at making a render after failing to apply the sim’s diffuse image to the render you’re trying to make. Make sure you stew about this. Make sure you feel like a big dummy even though you’re not really into renders anyway and you don’t connect with the pervasive simblr “aesthetic.” Which is fine, but it’s like... (not for you). Like, you like art for art’s sake but the whole thing reminds you of claymation, which is cool, but like--okay, remember “Celebrity Death Match”? Anyway, regardless, it’s just, like... you want to try something new just to see if you can do it. What’s the fuss about? You’d be happy just to try it once, just to see, but then everything just makes you feel so stup--
Then, about 24 hours after your initial failure(s) and existential spiral, locate a video tutorial that walks you through the texture application process a different way. Make lots of mistakes while following it. After approximately 25 minutes, follow it correctly! :D Nod silently. You’ve always been a visual learner. Well, visual and auditory. But more visual. So. Wait. Visual and hands-on, now that you think of it. Yes. Definitely. Definitely hands-on.
Next, start to set up your camera/lighting in Blender, once again following the written tutorial you pored over last night. Do everything wrong every time you start over (three times). When you’re not doing it wrong, do it right, but freeze, because none of the options in the screenshots you’re following can be located on your own screen. Start over. Scroll back up to the portion of the tutorial that references the last thing you did right and have your eye caught by reference to an “.obj” file. Close Blender.
Reopen Blender. Open up the last project you did correctly. Export it as an .obj file. Close Blender, then navigate to the folder in which you’ve saved your .obj file. Double click the .obj file to open it, smirking.
Paint3D pops up, and look! A weird inflatable PVC pool toy of your sim! Play around with it. Fiddle with the light. Animate it. Muse that despite this sim being the hottest male you have in your game, with many aesthetic qualities that you appreciate in real life men (mostly accidental, even though you made him!), gee, uh... he’s... kind of... u...g...l...y...?
Save your goofy little PVC person as an image, in the biggest size available.
Open the saved image file in your favorite image editing program, Photoscape X Pro, which you’re sure, like, three people have heard of. You suspect that this program is not the Pepsi to Photoshop’s Coca Cola, but is, rather, the Great Value Cola. Shake it off. You like it and that’s what counts, hmmph!, but that you like it is what makes you question its quality.
Mess around with the saved image file, adding adjustments, effects, frames, backgrounds, whatever, while simultaneously thinking that you’re stupid, what you’re doing is stupid, this is stupid, this looks stupid, this is kind of funny, this is kind of cute, actually, actually, you know what? This is so silly I’m going to post it with a dumbass, fake-ass, long tutorial that no one’s going to read but you know what? I figured out how to stick that damn texture on that model render thing and I like my screenshots and adjustments and frames and stuff and I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me that’s good enough for me.
(Sound convincing?)
Post it all. Post it all to the internet!
I did smile pretty big when that texture appeared in the right spot, but... boy, yeah, I’m out (at least until a couple months from now when I give it another try and it either all clicks or I end up dropkicking my laptop). Congratulations to all who can render; I look forward to letting the next trend pass me by. When I was at a point in my rendering project when success seemed on the horizon, I couldn’t help but think of a book title that accurately described the experience for me; I’m no David Foster Wallace fan, but even if I were to ~render a render, it all felt like A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.
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Galactic Quarrels: Unexpected Visitor
And here I am, back again with another edition to this series. Thank you all for your support, this one I flashed through and had so much fun writing it! Be prepared for the next one because things are about to get... teddy bit crowded
~~~~~~~
In the early morning, as the sun rises over the horizon, Michael is out on the balcony doing stretches, bending his body and legs in ways a Zarqonan would most definitely find disgusting and painful.
Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes returning back into reality, looking left and right looking at all the high-rise buildings and the large blue lake over in the distance.
He needs to maintain his physique and strength, but as of now, he hasn’t built up the courage to go outside in sleeveless shirts and running pants with shoes. So to substitute for it, he starts doing body exercises and stretching in his residence.
Walking back inside he walked to the coffee table picking up his holo-watch and taps it a few times. Screens show up showing his fitness routine and exercise record, not enough by him letting out a disappointed sigh.
He is still a citizen of the UTF as per the migration deal, he’s basically just out on vacation instead of moving away from his parent’s house and finally moving into his own.
And being a citizen of the UTF, he is still a Lieutenant in Frontier Command, UTF’s equivalent of a space army and fleet.
He wonders if he should go home again.
Turning the watch off and placing it back on the table, he walked to the kitchen counter taking his glass of orange juice. It’s a surprise when he got a package of Earth’s fruits, he also got a blender so better use it rather than leaving them in the fridge.
He feels watched though, the last few days he has this unease in his heart and the feeling of being watched 24/7, even when he’s going to go to sleep. He looked up and around the apartment again, there have to be cameras in here there has to be.
He returned his focus back to his orange juice and went behind the counter to blend some dragonfruit. The sounds of the motor and turning blades blast the room while the noise of the fruit being chopped and blended echoes outside into the hallway.
“I hope they don’t think I’m making a bomb in here” *He muttered to himself as he waited and waited. Turning it off and pouring it into another glass, he raised it up to his mouth, ready to drink the dragonfruit only to be interrupted by the quiet knocking of the front door.
“What?” He said quietly, he knows Yaku, or any Zarqonan never knocks on the door and just burst in unannounced, this is new. “Coming” He yelled putting down the glass of dragonfruit and cleans his lips with some tissues before walking to the door.
He looked around again as that feeling of being watched still lingers, then he faced the door. No peephole or see-through tech, he wished he was back on Earth now. Taking a deep breath, he reached for the knob. This feels different, it feels like it’s not a Zarqonan over on the other side. Could it be a Murumur? Could it even be a government agent that came to pick him up without telling him in advance?
He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t know if he opens the door he will wake up inside a shipping crate on his way to the edge of the galaxy to be sold in the galactic black market.
A muffled feminine voice can be heard. “Come on what’s taking so long?” Human, a human voice.
He’s taken aback, he turned the knob and slide the door open and looked down at the figure. A human woman, wearing a black and dark red coat with a full military-style uniform. Taking a quick glance at the woman’s face, yellowish eyes with hair that’s tied back into a long ponytail that stretched down to her hips.
Around 5’7” tall, he couldn’t believe it. “Um, hello how may I help you?” Michael let out an uncomfortable chuckle. “Haven’t seen a human face for a while”
“Of course you haven’t” The woman replied with a relatively sour but somehow comforting attitude. “Jill Porter, nice to meet you, Michael”
“You know me?”
The woman laughed while nodding. “Everyone knows you, Lieutenant! The mad man that wants to migrate to the Zarqon homeworld” Mad man? Is that his title now? The mad lieutenant?
“Oh, that’s uh… interesting I guess” “Yeah, interesting indeed” Jill claps her hands together and peeked into his apartment. “Can I come in?” Michael stepped aside. “Sure, let yourself in.”
As the woman walked into Michael’s apartment, he walked into the kitchen finally drinking his glass of dragonfruit while the door automatically closes itself. Glancing back towards the girl, he prepped a cup. “Tea or coffee? They’ve come from those weekly packages.” He said taking the coffee jar.
Jill took a seat on the armchair in the living room, looking back at him. “Cofee would be good” Then she looked up and around his apartment. “Nice place”
“I thought every room is designed like this?” He responded while brewing a cup of coffee.
“I mean yeah mine is basically a carbon copy but it’s nice to be polite” Jill replied with a chuckle as she fixed her attention to the tv, turning it on.
He walked over placing the coffee onto the coffee table and sat on the couch, leaning forward resting his elbow on his thighs folding his hands together. “Alright, cut the chit chat. Who are you and what do you want?”
Jill laughed as she looked back at Michael with a smile. “Are you deaf? I just said who I am. Jill Porter.” She shrugged and tilted her head. “For what I want, I want you to help me here.” She said pointing at Michael.
Silence, a few seconds pass by without a word being spoken before Michael replied to her request. “I like to know who my employer is.”
Jill laughed once again, shaking her head then nods. “You’re smart Michael, no wonder you go through the ranks at a young age.” Jill reached into her coat and pulled out an id card. “Jill Porter, lead xenobiologist for the Putter Institute.”
He took the id card and looked at it. A rotating model of Jill, name, age, occupation. He returned it and sighed. “Alright, what do you need help with?”
“I need a willing specimen, a Zarqonan”
“And what will you do with them?”
Jill pulled out a holoprojector. “Exactly one week ago a Zarqonan arrived at our local Topirus branch, the outermost colony in UTF space” An image of the Zarqonan in question appeared. “She is missing a back-left tentacle after a horrible accident in one of their orbital research stations.
To create the prosthetic requested by the Zarqonan, we need to examine the back-left tentacle.”
“Let me guess, they don’t let any humans onto the station?” Michael concluded first before she continued.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Alright, I understand why you’re here now,” He said nodding while Jill put away the projector.
Jill leaned back into the armchair. “So, lieutenant? Can you help”
A few seconds of silence as Michael stared at the ground. He looked back up and answered. “I know a girl”
~~~~
Michael’s residence has been turned into a makeshift examination lab and Yaku was brought in for the examination. The xenobiologist, Jill, worked examining Yaku’s left-back tentacle taking scans and examining its structure.
Yaku herself did not mind but is thinking if there’s another way to make this more efficient and not resulting in a mess.
Power cables scattered across the floor connecting the power to the lights and scanning equipment Jill brought with her. The doctor looked eager examining the subject, asking Yaku all sorts of questions.
“So what are the purposes of your tentacles?” The doctor asked while Michael is leaning back against the wall on the opposite side of the room.
Moving up one of her two front tentacles, she speaks. “The two front tentacles are used to maneuver, turning left and right and to slow down.” She then lowered the tentacle lifting up one of the back ones. “The back is for moving around.”
Michael grunted as he pushed himself off the wall and walked over, crossing his arms on his chest. “I still don’t know why you just don’t render a model immediately and make it.”
While continuing the examination, Jill answered. “At Putter we do not waste resources. We take the exact measurements, the exact height and preferred weight, joints and muscle contraction points” Writing the last bit of info into her datapad she stood back up.
“Also, this is a great learning experience for us, in the case aliens demands for prosthetic rises,” She said turning away to the table and portable little computer transferring the data.
“So there’s a consumer satisfaction stance, and a marketing stance,” Michael concluded once again.
“A hundred percent correct Michael, I thought you would be hard to work with” She turned back around. “But it looks like everything worked out fine.”
Michael turned to Yaku and nods. “Thank you Yaku”
“No problem Sir Michael, I’m glad to help.” Yaku said turning to Jill and make an attempt at smiling.
The two humans not noticing the subtle small attempt of smiling, both of them shook hands. “Well looks like everything’s done now, thank you, Michael, I’ll get an update soon enough”
“My pleasure” Letting go of the firm handshake. “Well since everyone is bored and doesn’t have shit to do, want to stay and watch some movies?”
Jill chuckled and shrugged with a smile. “Well sure! Just don’t put on a romantic one, we’re not there yet.”
Michael laughed and waved her away. “Oh, how bold of you to think that we are already in a relationship? We’re just acquaintances” That gained laughter from the opposition. Michael turned to Yaku and gestured to the couch and armchair. “You want to join Yaku?”
Yaku looked over at the couch and tv before nodding slightly. “I would love to.”
“Great!” Michael was about to go to the kitchen only to realize all the equipment in his room. “Oh uh, clean this mess first would you?”
Things are starting to get a tad bit crowded.
#humannature#humans are awesome#HUMANS ARE WEIRD#humans are crazy#humans are strange#humans are insane#humans are space australians#humans are space oddities#sci-fi#sciencefiction#science-fantasy#Alien#humans#space orcs#Space Orks#humans are space orcs#galactic quarrels#galactic quarrels series
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More general card art fixes. The Drimogemon was pretty easy after having edited the entire texture set for Fakedrimogemon. I don’t know what else to say, that dude is pretty general. But for Shining Mane, there’s an actual story. In the original release of set EX, I didn’t know how to get the visual effect of the DDCB card “Shining Mane”, same card. Because they used a pre-rendered item image from Digimon World, I didn’t have access to that sort of thing. Instead of try my hand at figuring it out, I just slapped a pre-rendered raft in there from modeler’s resource and renamed it “Escape Raft”. It always bothers me to not have accurate art and names though. Must be the autism. So this time, I tried my luck. I figured it’s Leomon’s mane but somehow golden, so I can’t just rip the effect off the model like I would for Metalmamemon’s Armor.
However! I have a Leomon model that came with Juouken (Beastking Fist) which is the attack pictured above, but the texture was transparent orange. It’s close but gold would be more accurate and I didn’t want to be a LEGO orange transparent chainsaw meme, so off to texture I went. It turns out, gold is a really hard effect to produce. I’ve already done it a few times for this game but each of them were done with a different method, fit-to-purpose. This is no different. I basically have no complete method for rendering gold. It’s always per-piece. The trouble with gold isn’t the highlights or the yellow part, it’s actually the blacks. When you look at real gold, really look at it, it has huge patches of pitch black in it under a lot of different lighting. If I knew how to custom-make materials in Blender using nodes, I would’ve tried to make it there. Instead, I gave the texture a color and contrast change, rendered the final image, made it opaque, and then went to work in Photoshop. The biggest difficulty for this was how many layers of painting and effects it took to get the final image just-so. I used a lot of lookup tables, which is the mark of messing around and not knowing exactly what to do. But I reasoned that I’m similar enough to an AI, that with each step I only have to make it look more like gold than the previous step. Following that rule, I was able to bump my head all the way to the final render. I think at this point, the effect looks good enough and I’m happy with it.
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Symbiote!Jay/Dick
So, I have started to write that mess.
Starts with some good ol’ wholesome cannibalism and Dick getting a scare of his life. Later on may contain tentacle sex.
“I have a very aggressive immune system”
Jay/Dick, with a Symbiote throw into the mix.
It was like some goddamn nightmare brought to life to play in front of his eyes. For a moment there Dick was convinced that that’s what this was, a bad dream - he knew that the chow mein in the back of his fridge was bad, he just fucking knew it and still ate it! Damn Dick Grayson and his stupid, stupid brain that saw soggy noodles as acceptable source of nutrition before his nightly patrol. Alfred was right, he was so not ready to live an adult life, he was simply not equipped to do so! Even Jason knew how to cook for himself and…
...and that brought him back to Jason - who was standing in front of him, as if nothing has happened. As if Dick didn’t just witness his younger brother take a point blank shotgun blast to the chest. As if he didn’t just see the cloud of blood and torn flesh splattering around the man, raining on the ground and the wall they were standing next to. As if Dick’s hands and face haven’t been splashed with that gore, because he didn't think to turn away, because he was sure that Jay had his kevlar armour hidden underneath that worn hoodie and trusted it to take the shot…
He was so terribly mistaken it wasn’t even funny.
But that wasn’t the worst part, oh no. Not the shot, not the way Jason’s side exploded with viscera, not even the small, punched-out sound he’s made as he started to fall.
Nope. That was horrifying, sure, Dick felt himself freeze like he’d only done a few times in his life (because Jay wasn’t even supposed to be there, not in his civvies, not at the business end of a shotgun, shielding Nightwing from a sneak attack he was too stupid to expect… he wasn’t supposed to die in some stupid, moronic robbery in some rundown 7/11, because Dick didn't have even a half of what it took to tend to a wound this horrific!) and didn't move fast enough to catch Jason as he fell - but he was, somehow, fast enough to throw his escrima stick with deadly accuracy and snap the weapon out of their attacker’s hands.
It clattered onto the wet concrete - and Jayson stopped falling.
Like a puppet with its strings pulled taut, his body halted its descent in an impossible position - knees bent, hands out, back nearly parallel with the dirty pavement… like a movie paused mid-take, Jason just stopped.
Then, after a beat that was barely enough for Dick to blink, his knees tensed and he stood back up in a move so smooth it was unsettling to the very core. He rose to his full height in front of the confused robber and for a moment Dick thought some of the blood got on his brother’s face, because the red spreading around his head couldn't be anything else, could it? Jason didn't have his helmet, as far as Dick knew, he was at the shop as a customer, unarmed and in civilian clothing...
That train of thought ended abruptly when the red helmet opened its mouth (the helmet that usually didn't have a mouth!) really, really, really wide and the wannabe robber’s head disappeared between the closing jaws.
Right in front of Dick’s eyes, a headless body slid noiselessly to the ground, blood bursting in a fountain from the severed neck. Jason swallowed audibly, turning around, and Dick could see his throat expand and his sternum rise and drop in an impossible way, because there was no way a human could just swallow someone’s goddamn head! It wasn’t! Even a guy as big as Jason… who was suddenly quite a lot bigger than he’s been a moment ago, stalking towards Dick like a predator, head lowered and face hidden behind the blood-stained helmet...
“Jay…” Dick ground out, only at that moment realising that the distance between them grew, because bis legs started to retreat before his mind decided to do so. That distance was quickly shortening, through, with every step of the mons... “Jay! What the hell… You were...”
There was still a hole in his chest, a sprawling landscape of torn flesh and shattered ribs and something Dick didn't want to recognise as ribs. And, oh God, Jason has never lost his penchant for zombie jokes, but this - this was taking it way too far! “Jaybird...”
In the dim light in the alley on the back of the store the holes in the helmet looked at him like the eyes of a beast, opalescent and emotionless. The lack of taunting, lack of scathing words, lack of anything that he’d learned to associate with Jason sent a shiver down Dick’s spine and his mind into a panicked spin, trying to make sense of the situation.
And the body, don't forget the body.
How could he even begin to forget about the damn headless body!
“Jay…”
“What the fuck is going on here?!”
Oh yeah, the other robber, returning for his buddy. Dick forgot about him!
The man - kid, honestly, he was no more than a kid! - crashed through the back door, took one look at his headless accomplice and, probably out of shock, decided to raise his handgun and shoot.
Somehow, Dick knew what was about to happen and he was moving before the knowledge solidified, dashing to the side, using the wall as a springboard to vault himself over Jason and the two clumsy shots, to slam into the kid, disarming him in one move and…
“No!” He gasped when he was grabbed around the waist and torn away, thrown back from the young idiot he was trying to save. “No, Jason no!” He struggled with what held him, but it was no use, his fingers couldn't find any purchase in the gooey, slippery mass pinning him to the wall. “Jason, stop, don't...!”
The voice that answered him didn't belong to Jason.
Maybe, in some other dimension, if someone took the younger man’s voice and put it into a blender with a handful of gravel, nails and old transistors. It was a growl, but it was also a buzz, like a lion trying to hiss.
“We need a new liver and lungsss,” it came out of the mouth that formed in front of the helmet, too wide to be human and filled with too many teeth. “Your friend dessstroyed our own… ssshame.”
Dick could almost see the kid from behind the hulking form, held against the wall just like him, pinned to it by an arm that morphed at the elbow to stretch into a red mass of gooey tentacles, slick and undulating as they wound around the kid’s upper torso, neck and the bottom half of his face, rendering the struggling captive mute. Unable to defend himself. Unable to do anything other than be terrified.
“Jay! Or whatever the hell you are… let him go!”
If only he could reach his other escrima stick or switch on the defences in his suit, maybe the electric shock would be enough to get free and then… as soon as that though appeared, his hands, that were struggling to untangle the red mass from his middle, were grasped back by it and slammed into the bricks over Dick’s head.
The thing’s head (it could not be Jason, it simply couldn't be! It was some doppelganger that took his form, like Clayface or…) turned back and Dick did his best not to shiver under the even stare of the opalescent eyes.
“Dickiebird ssstay sssilent,” it hissed at him, the nickname startling him into a flinch. “We will take care of it sssoon… after we make sssure the hossst livesss…”
“Host?” Was Jay somewhere inside of this thing? Was there a way to reach him? “Jason, listen to me! Stop this thing frommgh…!”
The appendage that slipped between his teeth was much less yelding than the first impression implied, it settled over his tongue, heavy and cloying like the silicon paste his dentist used once to make Dick’s first retainer when he was a kid. It brought nearly the same impression of his brain firing up warnings that he’s about to choke and suffocate, even though he was left with enough air.
“Birdsss can live without tonguesss,” the thing sounded almost fond while Dick froze at the open threat. “Husssh, now...” The fondness evaporated when the head turned back to the robber. “You, on the other hand… shot our ssspleen… ”
Dick struggled for all he was worth, powered by pure, unadulterated panic in the kid’s eyes, but he was helpless in the grasp of something that was barely solid enough to grip, but strong enough to hold him down with almost no effort.
No, no, this was not happening, - he tried to tell himself as the tendrils around the kid tightened and his struggles ceased, as the glassy eyes rose to the narrowed patches of glowing pearlescent white staring down in unmasked hunger. As the maw full of jagged teeth opened wider, drool dripping down the bottom lip and a black foot-long tongue slipped out… This wasn’t real, just wasn’t! Couldn't be! It was a bad dream - Dick’s got dosed with something by Crane or Ivy, he had to trip and slip into some alternate reality, because in his reality things like this simply didn't happen!
Where was police when you needed them?!
Dick moaned in distress when the tendrils cupping his face shifted, dry, but still completely gross, curling up, snaking through his hair and over his eyes. Before he knew it, he was effectively blindfolded - which did nothing for his nerves, honestly.
“He wouldn’t want you to sssee...” That was the last thing he’s heard before the muffled whimpering ended in a wet crunch and the darkness underneath his eyelids swallowed any conscious thoughts.
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—who cares | 09 (m)
pairing— kim taehyung x oc / kim seokjin x oc genre/warnings— angst, adultery, mature themes, sexual talk words— 7,740
:: summary— what happens when Taehyung falls for someone who’s already taken? Can he control his feelings or will they take over and render him powerless? In the end is it all her fault or his…?
note— inspired by Dean’s album 130: trbl
» 01 :: 02 :: 03 :: 04 ::05 :: 06 :: 07 :: 08 :: 09 :: 10 :: 11 ✓
Her point of view
The weekend had flown by in an instant, a whirlwind of emotions and the most depressing and horrific forty-eight hours of Sumi’s twenty-five years of life. She couldn't even remember getting up off the floor until the late hours of Saturday morning, forcing herself to get in the shower, her body weak and stiff, where she scrubbed herself red raw, feeling dirty and disgusting.
She hated herself. How could she have let Taehyung in once more? Was she that weak? That pathetic? She had so little will power that all it took was his arms around her body and his lips against her neck to make her putty once more? No matter how much she scrubbed she still felt dirty, her skin feeling as if it was crawling with tiny bugs, eating their way through to her flesh and exposing her truly for what she was. A bitch. An evil bitch, who didn't deserve anybody's love. Especially Seokjin’s.
She had sworn it wasn't going to happen again, and she was so adamant that it wouldn't, but here she was… She was starting to think would it ever be over…? After some thinking time, Taehyung’s distraught expression was now just embedded in here brain, followed by the deathly look he had given her after she told him she didn't love him and stormed out. That hurt her heart even more. She didn't want to hurt him, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. She knew at the time she had been angry at him, and it had felt like she had loathed him, but it would be a lot easier to if he hated her. If she could use his words against him, then maybe he would understand.
It wasn't as if she wanted to hurt him and to break his heart, but he needed to understand what they had — this — wasn't love. It was an infatuation. She had been looking for comfort elsewhere — a physical comfort that at the time Jin couldn't give her, and Taehyung had just been looking to fall in love, to get caught up in the feelings of love and everything it came with. He had come to her with an open heart, and she had twisted it and turned it black.
She had turned him pitiful; no shame when it came to begging for her to love him and leave Jin. She had turned him paranoid. She had turned herself paranoid. Did she really believe that Taehyung was capable of stalking her? Following her? Of course he had turned up at her door twice, but if she really thought about, so would she given the situation. She chose to ignore him for days, no contact whatsoever and expected him to be okay with it? To just except it? She knew she wouldn't.
Her whole being was filled with regret for the two men that made up her life. She regretted ever meeting Taehyung because she knew she had warped his mind. Whatever they first had, even if it was built on lies, was never like what it was now. He used to care for her once upon a time; treat her right and hold her like she was the only women in the world worthy of his love. Now, it had turned sour. Every look, every kiss and every touch he gave her held a bitterness. He wanted to be better than Jin — He wanted her to love him more than Jin, but love didn't feel like this. They didn't love each other, not really. She had been stupid enough to believe she had, but she knew now it was just sex. Of course she cared for him, even after all she had said last night when she was angry and hateful at herself, but she had been at the end of her tether, and it seemed the only way she could get him to leave her alone.
She knew what love was, and it was with Seokjin. Her Jin, who had loved her for over three years, who had stayed by her side through everything, and how did she repay him? By seeking solace in someone else when he couldn't give it to her, too busy working all the hours under the sun to give her the life he thought she deserved. Even though that wasn't what she wanted, she had to accept it and she had to admire it. Even when she just wanted him, not the house, not the money, just him; she had to admire his principles, and that's what made her betrayal even worse. He had loved her this whole time, never once questioning it and she had done the exact opposite.
That weekend she made a decision. A solid one. She was sick and tired of going around in circles, and she wanted it to be over. She tidied the apartment from top to bottom, finally dragging her way into the kitchen to see the mess that she had made, and she cleaned it spick and span, brushing up the shards of glass and logging onto her laptop to place an order for a new blender. She knew it would be the least of Jin’s worries when he got back, but she needed something to ease her conscience, even if it be by the slightest molecule.
She knew what she needed to do. Whatever the consequence, she needed to sort out her life. She couldn't carry on living like this, wrecked with worry and paranoia, and on top of that, she couldn't keep acting as if everything was fine. Jin wasn't back until Tuesday night, and now was her only chance. After work Monday, she would visit Taehyung. She needed to apologise, but most of all she needed closure once and for all. She needed to put an end to everything.
Only Monday didn't work out like she had planned. Typical. If she had still been emotionally connected to her body, she would have laughed darkly at the way God was punishing her. He wasn't making it easy for her anyway, but what did she expect?
It was as if every time she took one step forward, the earth would spin on its axis and make her fall two steps back, and even though she was sure of her feelings when she’d arrived for work — and had been all weekend, Yeongba stepping foot into the office with her delighted shit-eating grin ruined everything…
“Hell-ooo, Sumi,” she practically sang, taking her seat into the booth next to her, and Sumi looked up, eyeing her warily, slight distaste in her mouth.
How was it she was allowed to go around being deliriously happy after the weekend she’d just had? God was truly rubbing it in today, just as her life was hanging in the balance, a good bet that she was about to lose everything she had ever known, and now Yeongba was practically skipping into work, her head glowing gold if it was possible, like a halo.
“Why are you so happy?” She asked, not being able to ignore it.
She was surprised to hear how dead her voice sounded. She hasn't spoken all weekend, choosing to ignore all of Jin’s incoming calls, messaging him to say she was feeling sick, her voice too hoarse to engage in conversation. In reality, she just didn't want to hear his voice, because it would just make breaking his heart even harder.
“I’m not one to divulge my personal life, but well, this is the exception!” She replied, logging into her computer quickly, before she turned to face Sumi, practically squealing. “I got laid!!”
Sumi failed to even try and look over the moon for her. First of all, Yeongba was lying when she said she didn't like to divulge her personal life. Sumi knew what her damn great-great-great-grandfather was called for crying and out, and second of all, she was bitter about her happiness.
She knew Yeongba had been desperate for a relationship for a while now, and somewhere in the back of her numb mind, she even felt some sort of surprise. No offence to Yeongba, but it took a brave man to go there, and Sumi prayed to God that this guy was actually looking for a relationship, because if not, and it had just been a causal hook up, she feared for him… and for herself… Sumi didn't feel like being Yeongba’s comfort pillow for weeks whilst she cried over some guy she barely knew… not when she would have her own problems to deal with soon enough…
“Oh wow!” Sumi tried to feign the elation in her voice. “Looks like someone had a good weekend then…”
“It was brilliant!” She practically gushed, and Sumi tried to hide her grimace.
She didn't particularly want to visualise any man with Yeongba, but it looked like she was going to get all the seedy details anyway. Even the word sex made her feel sick right now. The act had been tainted for her, and she didn't want to think about it any longer.
“It's that bar, Sumi! It's magic! I knew it would happen soon enough! Written in the stars or something. I kept it to myself, but I never stopped dreaming… I know it sounds weird but… I knew we had some sort of connection…”
Sumi was barely listening to her drone on and on, flicking through some reports on her desk as Yeongba whispered excitedly, not taking a moments breath to pace herself as she retold the story. At least it will stop you thinking of your own problems, she thought to herself. Maybe she needed to involve herself in somebody else's life to ignore her own horrific reality… so she hummed along encouragingly.
“It was so amazing. He invited me back to his place, and well — I have never felt so alive before. He really was something else. His grip was so firm at one point that I thought my pelvis was going to crack… but it was so good. He's so handsome, and dreamy… and just amazing. Did I say that already?” She looked at Sumi for confirmation, and she looked up at her, unsure of what she was really asking, she'd turned off after pelvis was going to crack, her imagination not ready for that.
“I can't remember, I'm just honestly on top of the world. I hope I can see him again…”
Off she went again, talking a mile a minute and Sumi quickly resumed reading through the records, only half paying attention.
“I mean, we didn't exchange numbers… he said his phone was bust and he needed to get a new one… but hopefully I can see him again at that bar...”
Sumi scoffed lightly, she took it the stranger didn't want anything serious then. A broken phone was the lamest excuse in the world, and even though she knew it shouldn't, she took some gratification with the fact that Yeongba’s life was still as shit as ever. It would help to know she wasn't alone in the long run.
“— He should come back there soon, now that he knows he could see me again…”
Hmm, yeah, doubt it, Sumi thought, before looking up again, placing her files down on the desk as she decided she should probably be a good friend and take interest. She used the term loosely, Yeongba was a work colleague, but even Sumi had to admit she wasn't that bad, maybe annoying and sappy, but perfectly harmless — just a woman nearing thirty without anybody to love...
Sumi felt a fresh wave of nausea wash through her. She didn't know how lucky she was… how lucky she had been. Twenty-five and already having met her soulmate. Anxiety filled her veins and rattled her bones at the word; soulmate. She shook her head quickly, vanishing the thoughts and smiled at Yeongba, “So, who was this mystery guy then… please let me know… We all must be missing out if he's a pelvis crusher,” she asked, teasing her lightly; humouring her, really.
“You know him! Well… sort of, if you remember… It was a long time ago now.”
Sumi frowned, trying to think. What an earth was she on about? She hardly hung around with Yeongba in real life, apart from maybe going out for random nights out with the other office girls… Who the hell would they both now…? She was mistaken, it wa—
She froze then, realisation hitting her like a train.
Nights out. The bar.
If she was feeling nauseous before, now she was feeling damn well sick to her stomach, words and visuals churning inside of her as she put two and two together…
It's that bar, Sumi!
He invited me back to his place, and well —
He's so handsome, and dreamy…
It couldn't be. It wasn't possible. He wouldn't do that to her, no matter how hurt he was. However, as the memories swirled around her mind even more; the night she'd met him, buying both Yeongba and herself a drink, the way Yeongba had acted around him, fawning over his good looks, desperate… jealous of the attention he was giving Sumi… It had to be. It was the only person they both knew… albeit in different ways — or not so different anymore…
Sumi met Yeongba’s gaze, her face frozen in time, her body tense and her head spinning as Yeongba just grinned on, oblivious to her friend’s dismay, her voice practically exploding with delight as she uttered the two words that made Sumi want to curl up and die.
“Kim Taehyung!”
She didn't know what was real and what wasn't. She felt suspended in time, everything moving in slow motion as she watched Yeongba’s mouth open once again. She could hear the words but they weren't making sense. Nothing made sense anymore.
“You remember him, right? The guy we met at the bar a few months back, the one who looked liked he could be a movie star… He was there Friday night!”
Friday? But that's when she had last seen him, after he had stormed out and looked as if he had hated her with every fibre of his being. It was after they'd had sex… so, he'd just gone and found someone else to fuck away the pain? Did he even remember who Yeongba was, or was it just a happy coincidence? Sumi was aware of the buzzing in her ears, but for some reason, instead of drowning out Yeongba’s voice, it just made it louder.
“He remembered me! I told you it was fate! He took me back to his place, and I swear it was amazing, Sumi. His body — oh god, I swear he's some sort of Greek God. If you thought he was handsome with his clothes on, you should see him with them off — and the size of hi—
“Shut up.”
Yeongba froze mid-sentence, mouth agape as she took in Sumi’s appearance, not really believing what she had heard, “w-what?” She asked, confused.
“I said shut up.” Sumi gritted out, rubbing her forehead in her hands. She needed Yeongba to stop, because if she didn't she was going to throw up. Taehyung had fucked her in his bed? Taken her back to his and had sex with her so hard, her ‘pelvis could have cracked…’ He had kissed her, touched her — been inside of her. Her! Yeongba!
The women she constantly told Taehyung about. How she annoyed her, how she disliked having a desk next to her because of how much she moaned and cried about her pathetic life. Taehyung knew this all, and he had slept with her? How on earth did he even manage it? How did the situation even arise? Did he seek her out? Did he want to hurt Sumi that much? Did he think it would help matters…? He'd just made it worse.
“What do you mean? What's wrong? Are you feeling okay?” She asked, her voice slightly panicked, concerned for Sumi.
“You're deluded, do you know that?” She practically burst, unable to keep it in anymore. She didn't even know what she wanted to say — was going to say, it was just falling off her tongue, and Yeongba looked at her wide eyed.
“You think he wants you? You think it's gonna be your happily ever after cos you went to a club and got banged by some guy who doesn't even want you. It's not love — trust me!” She whispered furiously, although she was aware it was hardly hushed tones she was speaking in anymore.
“I-I…” Yeongba looked positively gobsmacked, her expression furrowed in confusion. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Sumi couldn't sit still. She couldn't work her for eight more hours besides this woman. She couldn't work period. She needed answers. She needed to get out.
“Where are you going now?” Yeongba got out, frustration in her voice, watching Sumi gather her coat and bag hurriedly, chair squeaking as she pushed it away from the desk to stand up.
Her tone was that of worry — Yeongba was worried about her, when she should have been realising right now that Taehyung wasn't the one for her. She needed to know that, and quit thinking it was Sumi who was mad.
“Taehyung doesn't want you!”
The words were out before she could stop them, and she paused a little in shock, watching Yeongba’s equally matched expression as she heard Sumi use his name so casually. There was no way on earth she was this stupid, she must’ve realised something was up, but before she was able to say something, Sumi darted across the room, bolting down the stairs and through the door before anybody could stop her, only one thing filling her mind, a voice inside her head, that taunted her and she wanted to scream at it…
Taehyung wants me… Taehyung wants me
She needed to see him.
The ride on the subway to Taehyung’s was a blur, well aware that she probably looked crazed as she gnawed on her bottom lip, and at one point gripped the roots of her hair as she tried to physically stop the images that were clouding her brain. Every time she blinked she could see Taehyung with Yeongba and she wanted to be sick. The burning in her stomach that traveled up her ribcage and clenched at her heart. It was unexplainable, and she didn't even know what she was going to do when she got to his place. Would he even be there? She didn't even think she was capable of actual words right now. All past reasoning going out the window. All hope of talking to him calmly disappearing because of one act. Taehyung’s betrayal.
She didn't even have the right to call it that, she knew she was being irrational, but she kept telling herself; if it was anyone else he had chosen to sleep with, she would have been fine. If it had been a stranger, she would have been fine. She would have been fine. She would. However, it wasn't a stranger, it was Yeongba. Her colleague and someone she had to see nearly every day. He had done this on purpose. To prove a point and to hurt her, as much as she’d hurt him — as much as she still was hurting him.
She wasn't even thinking straight when she was banging on his door, furiously ringing the bell at the same time, straight up two seconds away from booting it down, to think maybe he wasn't there. Maybe he was in work, if he had work at this time… Come to think of it, Sumi couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken about his job at the pizza place he delivered for. She couldn't even remember the last time he'd spoken of any acting or modelling job. She couldn't even think of the last time they’d had a proper conversation…
It was always just arguments and sex. The realisation washed through her as she become aware that whatever they'd had in the beginning, was nothing to what they had now. She would have almost felt sorry for Taehyung if it wasn't for the fact that he answered the door at that moment in time, and any rational thinking went out the door when she saw his face, anger washing through her body, curling her toes and burning behind her eyes.
If she had been really paying attention, instead of desperate for answers that she didn't deserve, she would have realised that he looked absolutely wrecked. His hair disheveled, black bags hanging under his eyes, dressed in tatty sweats. He looked like she felt, or like the way she looked hidden with her makeup. However, right now she didn't care, and as he looked at her with wide eyes, hope flashing in them as if she was here to make it up with him, uttering her name quietly as if she was mirage; she snapped.
She dived at him, slamming the door behind her as she pushed him and he stumbled, not expecting the hit, but she pushed again, her fists hitting his chest and making a thud of skin in skin, and this time — and with every hit that she gave him again, he steadied himself, holding his ground and taking it, as if he thought he deserved it.
“What did — you do? What the — hell did you — do, Taehyung?” She bit out, her voice a yell as she continued to push at him, her knuckles being to hurt with the force.
She felt his hands come to cup around her elbows, trying to stop her as she continued to shout at him, her energy dying out and she was surprised to hear herself suppress sobs, falling into his chest as she let go, finally crying, his arms taking place around her waist as he hugged her to him, hushing her gently, his own voice wobbly as he spoke.
“I don't know why I did it… Sumi… I'm sorry — so, so sorry…”
He knew what she was on about straight away. Of course he did, he knew that she would find out. He'd wanted her to find out, well, at the time. Now she was sure he didn't. His breathing was close to her ear now, and his hands made their way up to her hair, delicately running his fingers through it as he tried to calm her down, her breath ragged but her sobs finally starting to ease as he murmured little shushes and hushes against her temple, his neck craned to cradle her.
If she shut her eyes really tight and tried to forget everything, she could imagine this was what it was supposed to be like. What could have been if they had met each other at a different time, a different place… a different lifetime. His heartbeat against her head soothing her and making her get lost in the what ifs. After a few moments, she felt his lips press against her hair and she breathed quietly, shuddering as he moved to her forehead and as she tilted her head to look up at him, his mouth landed on hers.
Unlike last time, it wasn't like he was trying to get somewhere, to prove a point, they were soft, gentle kisses as if he was trying to apologise with actions; and she let him, kissing him back after a while, knowing that this would be the last time. Everything was ruined now. It had been for while, and she needed to remember what she had wanted to say this morning, before she’d found out about Yeongba. She was being greedy, but she wanted this one last moment. She wanted something good before it went away.
However, just like everything in her life, it was tainted, and as Taehyung’s tongue brushed against her lips, she tasted the bitterness. She tasted Yeongba on him, and suddenly his hands felt like they were burning marks against her skin. She could feel Yeongba. She could feel, taste and see her and him, in an embrace just like this, eager for each other and she felt dizzy, pushing him away once again, turning around to bury her face in her hands, groaning in desperation.
If this wasn't proof, nothing was. It was proof their whole relationship was toxic. It had been toxic for a long time, even before it had begun. A kiss wasn't going to make it all go away. They couldn't communicate properly, that's why it had lasted this long. They only craved the physical need for each other, not the emotional one.
“Sumi… what's wrong?” He asked, crouching over her, but not daring to touch her and thankfully, not trying to kiss her either.
It was as if everything made sense now. She had known for a while, but they could never be a real couple. Not even if she did truly love him, because they had been created from a sin, a greed and it intoxicated any real thing they could’ve once had. No relationship could be created from sneaking around and having sex. You needed more, otherwise you just got greedy. You got bitter and you got hurt. Just like they had done.
“I c-can’t…” she tried to explain. “I can't stop picturing you with her…”
She straightened up, finally trying to face up to the mess she had made, and she saw Taehyung staring at her steadily, as if he was thinking of what to say, and when he finally spoke, she exhaled loudly.
“Like I can't stop picturing you with Jin every time I see you…”
It was true and Sumi knew it was coming. Every time they were together he had to fight his imagination from taking over. He had to pretend to not wonder when had been the last time she’d let Seokjin touch her. He had been picturing what she was right now, for months and for the most part he had suffered silence, but it explained how each time they had sex it had become rougher and quicker, as if he was physically trying to repel his thoughts, trying his best to expel his frustrations. There was no love in the way he held her now; just vexation and paranoia. They were twisted, and Sumi thought, he finally understood it.
“This is really the end, right?” He asked, his tone defeated. In fact, his whole body looked defeated as he stood in front of her, his arms slung by his sides, his shoulders slumped; his expression pained.
She nodded slowly, feeling fresh, hot tears spill from her eyes, and she looked down, wiping them away quickly. She didn't deserve to cry, but her throat burned from trying to hold it in.
“There's nothing I can do?” He asked, quickly carrying on. “I'm sorry for what I did with… with Yeongba—” he found it physically hard to say her name, and he gulped it out quietly, “— I don't even know what I was thinking. I-I just wanted to hurt you… to make you feel what I feel everyday…”
She chuckled darkly, shifting on the spot as she looked at him again, “Well done, it worked.”
Sumi wasn’t bitter, she was actually thankful for him making her realise the truth. This feeling was suffocating and she couldn’t believe that Taehyung had been feeling this way the whole time. How could she have been so selfish?
“But…” he began, taking a step forward. “Doesn’t that mean it’s love…? These feelings we have… Why else would we be hurt like this?”
She looked at his furrowed features, her eyes finding his and she for the first time in a long time saw the innocence again. It pooled in the darks of his irises, that were glistening with unfallen tears. He had put everything in her hands and it was up to her to tell him that what they felt wasn’t love — it was infatuation, and if she wasn’t careful, could turn into an obsession on his part. He was weak… she had made him weak and that meant he was impressionable.
“No, Taehyung…” she let him down gently, stepping closer to him but not touching him, just wanting to feel him close to her. “If we truly loved one another, we wouldn’t be doing this to each other.”
There was a silence, one that wasn’t awkward, but more poignant. A moment in time where they had the same realisation, and knew they were never meant to be. It was over, and with that thought in her head, she brought her hands to the back of her neck, reaching for the silver chain that adorned it and unclasped it. Taehyung watched her with sorrowful eyes, and let her take his hand to place the necklace in his palm, letting her fingers hover over the feathers; one gold, one silver, representing how different they were…
She didn’t even know why she still had it on, she didn’t even know if she realised she did. Maybe she was holding on to what was… what could have been, but now it was time to face reality, and she pulled away from his hand, watching him clasp the necklace to him, his adam’s apple bobbing quickly in his throat as he tried to reign in his emotions.
“What n-now?” He got out quietly, his voice deep and hoarse.
“I-I’m —” she coughed, realising her voice was just as hoarse with emotion, “I’m going to tell Seokjin everything.”
“What?” He gasped, unable to keep the shock out of his voice.
“I need too, Taehyung. I can’t keep living like this… I need to confess. I-I may lose everything… he may not forgive me, but I need to do it.” She whispered. “I don’t deserve him.”
Taehyung nodded slowly, she could see it in his eyes that he was relieved. No matter how shocked he was, she knew this was what he wanted, even if the tiniest bit of it was just to see her unhappy and alone. She wasn’t stupid… and she didn’t blame him. She needed to tell Jin. She’d decided already, and even though the news of Yeongba had deterred her, seeing Taehyung act so strong… she knew she had to stick with it. It was finally over… and it probably was going to be over between Seokjin and her by tomorrow too. She’d made her grave and now she had to lie in it.
“I…” She took a step backwards, reaching behind her to find she was by the door once again. They hadn’t moved very far, and she reached for the door knob. She didn’t know what else to say… there wasn’t much else she could…
“Wait.” He called, and she looked up again, careful not to look him directly in the eyes, because she knew she was this close to crying. “Call me if you need anything — not like that,” he cut in when he saw her go and protest. “Just as a friend… You may need someone to talk to… and well, who knows how you feel more than me, right?” He tried to joke, and she saw his mouth twitch up into an uncomfortable smile.
She nodded quickly, not knowing if she believed she would in the end, it would only cause more trouble if she did, and Taehyung needed a fresh slate. He needed to realise that there were plenty more women in the world for him.
“Goodbye, Tae.” She smiled bitterly, finally turning the door handle, and she caught his eyes as she turned to leave. He was standing there, hands still swinging by his sides, but one fist clenched where he held the necklace, his shoulders a little straighter now though, and he smiled back. It was sad — he looked sad and his face fell as she closed the door behind her, a tiny goodbye leaving him. Her heart clenched as she left, not wanting to think of him alone and most definitely not crying…
The ride back on the subway was a blur, her mind filled with thoughts that had her physically shivering by the time she put her key in the lock. Less than twenty-four hours until everything was going to change. She needed to gear herself up. She needed to except what was going to happen. As she turned the key and entered, the waft of food cooking filled her nostrils and she paused, panic filling her as she heard clanging of pots from the kitchen.
No. He couldn't be back. It was too early. He wasn't supposed to be back till tomorrow. She was supposed to still have time… In a trance, she made her way into the kitchen, dropping her bag as she entered and stood in the doorway just watching Jin flap around the stove. He hadn't noticed her yet and she blinked a couple of times, feeling her whole-body freeze. It couldn't be yet… She still needed more time…
He walked to the fridge, which was already open, and as he grabbed something out and closed it he noticed her, jumping about a mile into the air as he let out a shout.
“Sumi? What the hell?!” He demanded, clutching his chest and she just stood there, still frozen solid. She couldn't do it. She couldn't break his heart. This couldn't be the end.
“You nearly give me a heart attack. I didn't even hear you come in — ohhh,” he whined, his face contorting. “You weren't supposed to come back this early… this was supposed to be a surprise for when you came back from work… I wanted to surprise you — Oh well… I guess we can start early…” he babbled on, walking back to the stove, not paying attention to her as she watched him go. “By the way, have you seen my blender? I'm sure I left it on the counter before I left…”
The blender. Her head was spinning and she pressed her hand against the side of the refrigerator, trying to hold herself up. Jin was in the kitchen where she’d had sex with Taehyung. He was asking for the blender, which she had broken whilst kissing him. This was too much. She wasn't ready to tell him yet. Please.
“Why are you back so early?” He was talking again, but she could hardly make it out, and suddenly he was turning to look at her, suddenly realising that something was wrong as he frowned. What on earth did she look like right now? She failed to realise her face must still be tearstained, her eyes bloodshot.
“Baby, what's wrong?” He asked, rushing to her side as he gripped her shoulders. “Are you still sick or something? I knew you shouldn't have gone to work today. I was being selfish, I wanted to surprise you, so I told you to go…”
Why was he being so nice to her? She didn't deserve it. He wasn't selfish — she was. He was here making her a surprise dinner and she was out breaking things off with the guy she had been seeing — cheating on the man who loved her. That's when she broke down, hard and fast, a sound ripping through her chest that sounded painful. She was in pain, and she watched Jin’s shocked and confused face as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, letting her crouch to the floor as he huddled over her, soothing her as she sobbed, which made her cry harder, because she didn't deserve it.
“Sumi, what's wrong?” He begged, rubbing her back and trying to make her look at him, but she wouldn’t give in, burying her face further into his chest, too ashamed, her whole-body rattling with her cries.
“Come on, you're scaring me…” he tried again, his own voice wobbling and finally she looked up at him, his irises pooled with worry as he stared down at her, one hand coming up to wipe away her tears, which in turn just made fresh ones fall.
It couldn't be time yet. She didn't want to tell him. She didn't know how to! How did the conversation start? Should she just carry on crying until he guessed. He already knew something was up — hell, he had known something was up for a while now. The last time they'd had sex he'd tried to voice his worries about the past and about now, him being busy with work all the time and she knew deep down he knew she had been acting differently. As if on cue, he looked down at her seriously, the hand that was rubbing her back stopping and the one on her face falling flat to his knee.
“Is it us? Is something happening between us?”
Her heart clenched inside her ribcage. This was her chance. He didn't know it, but he was giving her an easy getaway. This was the opening to the conversation she wanted, but instead she just cried harder, bringing her own hands to her face now, feeling as if she wanted to tear at the flesh.
“I-I…” the words wouldn't come. She wanted to say she wanted to tell him something, but nothing would come out, and she felt Jin freeze up in front of her, leaning back a little on his heels.
“I love you. Please tell me it isn't anything to do with us.” He whispered, his voice steady enough, but that was only because of the volume.
She loved him too. She loved with all her heart. She knew it, she felt it in her bones, and she needed him to know it. “I love you too.” She whimpered, trying to stop her tears now, her chest heaving and her breath wobbling.
“Oh, thank god!” He exclaimed, grabbing her again into a tight hug against his chest. “Don't scare me like that again.” He chuckled breathlessly, but she could hear his own faint wobble, and his hands shook as he gripped her, but at least he was happy… happy… the moment was gone, and she tried to speak again, not making any sense, especially with how hard he was squeezing her.
“I know you've been stressed, I can see it in your eyes, and I known being ill on top of that doesn't help things… and me being away all the time… I want it to change. I really do. I don't want to have to leave you all the time. I want to be with you always.”
Sumi’s heart was going ninety to the dozen as he carried on, not letting her have a word in edgeways even if she was able to, and she scrunched her eyes closed, wanting the ground to swallow her whole. Why was he blaming himself again? Like all this was his fault. It wasn't. She had been the one to run away from their problems and seek solace in somebody else. Why was it so hard to confess? Why had she been able to break Taehyung’s heart but not Seokjin’s? Why couldn't she just man up for once in her life?
She felt Jin kiss her hair as he pulled away, kneeling down as he pecked her lips, not minding that he could taste her tears and she watched him reach behind himself, hand rooting in his back pocket before he pulled something out and kept whatever it was, hidden behind his back.
“I-I’m just gonna do this now… I was going to wait till later, that’s why I pretended I was coming back tomorrow, but I feel like now is a good time…” he trailed off, his voice very unsteady now and Sumi froze, unconsciously kneeling too. What was he on about?
“I hope you like it… I chose it from the store next to the office where we go for meetings. I’ve seen it in the window every trip, and it just radiates you… I hope you like it — wait, did I already say that? Sorry, I’m nervous. Especially after thinking you were going to say you didn’t love me anymore. I’m sorry for being an overdramatic idiot.” He chuckled, shaking his head at himself, before he muttered ���right,” and suddenly his face turned serious, the sincerity seeping out of him.
Oh no.
This was actually about to happen. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what he was hiding behind his back and she watched with wide eyes as he pulled a small square box from behind his back. She couldn’t think straight so she carried on watching him shuffle closer, before lifting one knee, and looking her square in the eyes, his own glassy with unfallen tears, with the emotion of what he was about to ask.
“Sumi, will you marry me?”
The words came out slowly and precisely, as if he’d been rehearsing them for a life time and somewhere in the back of her mind a voice was screaming at her. She needed to stop this, she needed to tell him the truth while she still could — but her heart told her otherwise. Everything she had ever wanted was in front of her right now. Everything. She could see it, taste it — feel it. Of course she had lost sight of it for a while, but now everything was back to where it was. Jin loved her and she loved Jin. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and she the same. If she told him now, there was a 99.99% chance he would leave her forever, and the thought made her want to die.
So, instead, she nodded her head, hiccupping away the tears that still wouldn’t budge, whispering her answer, barely audible.
“Is that a yes?” He pressed, a grin threatening to spill as he watched her nod larger, a louder “ye-ess,” falling from her as she smiled widely and then she was engulfed in his arms, feeling him kiss anywhere he could reach, his hands shaking as he reached for her hand and pulled back, clumsily pulling the ring away from its velvet confines to place on her ring hand.
She had been so caught up in the moment, she hadn’t even taken a look at the ring and she sighed in amazement at the iridescent jewel, encrusted with smaller golden ones on top a gold band. Nothing to fancy, because he knew she didn’t like that, just plain and simple, like their love.
“It’s beautiful,” she uttered, looking up at him and he giggled, “just like you then,” and then he was kissing her, gently at first, taking the time to wipe the tear tracks from her cheeks before it intensified, their breathing laboured as they became too lost in the passion.
“I love you so much,” he breathed, pulling away to peck smaller kisses against her parted lips. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
She felt the elation wash over her and in that moment, nothing else mattered. She loved him and he loved, just like she had said earlier. No one else mattered. No one else existed. Just them, and she needed him to touch her, she needed him to kiss her all over, she needed him inside of her. She needed him full stop, and as if he read her mind, he pulled her up by her elbows, kissing her again, greedily, as he pulled off her coat, letting it fall to the floor before he was picking her up. She squealed as she wrapped her legs around his waist and he laughed at her reaction, already on his way into their bedroom, his scent filling her nostrils and drowning her mind, and suddenly everything felt like it would be okay… They would be okay…
The decision she made with herself proved hard to stick to at first. After the first couple of days’ post-elation, she felt the guilt wash over once again. Could she really keep this secret from Seokjin for the rest of her life? Could she really marry him, have his children and never say anything? Could she really take this to her grave and hope that karma didn’t ruin everything?
But most importantly, could she let Taehyung live his life thinking she had confessed everything to Jin? He believed she would, and now she had gone back on her word once more. She owed Tae to let him know her plans. She needed to tell him she was getting married, even if he didn’t want to hear it. She needed him to know. She knew there was little chance he’d ever find out she hadn’t told Jin anyway, but she couldn’t take it. She didn’t want him to find out any way other than her telling him, and she prayed it wouldn’t open another can of worms… He hadn’t contacted her at all since Monday, and she realised he really did believe it was over… It was over. She was marrying Seokjin… the realisation still made her smile like an idiot, despite how messy the situation was.
She waited until Jin was back in the office, having taken some time off work to spend with her, still basking in the feeling of being newly engaged, and the good thing was he didn’t have to work away for as long as a month. He would be home every night before 6pm and that meant not waking up alone each morning either. She hadn’t been in work all week after she had phoned and apologised for running out, blaming it on feeling sick. Luckily, they had believed her and Yeongba hadn’t said anything about her outburst to their boss, so she was off the hook for the most part — well, until she arrived at her desk Monday wearing a ring that was…
Scrolling to Taehyung’s number, clicking it and listening to it ring was the most agonising minute of her life. She’d truly thought that she wouldn’t be speaking to him again, but here she was, needing to explain herself once more… She needed to do it, but when he answered it soon became apparent it would be too hard to confess… She was a coward in all aspects of her life.
“Sumi?! Why are you calling? Is everything okay? Did you tell Seokjin? What did he say? Please tell me you’re okay — I’ve been worried all week!”
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