#this whole post mustnt make much sense but yet here we are

[orchestrash]

i’m rolling my eyes at myself for being on this stupid website here making a post on new years eve but here are some facts about this past year:

it was shit!! laying in bed skipping class eating cereal watching the occasional movie until 2:30 pm uhhhhh not the best choice! leaving school in the middle of the day to use my down time to lay in bed (including that one time i accidentally fell asleep and was an HOUR late to rehearsal) - waste of time!! so yeah the first half of 2017 wasn’t my lowest point but was maybe my most embarrassing (also that email i sent out to only like three people with an attached flyer with a TYPO, still trying to live that down)

summer? summery. some real heart stopping beauty (mostly seeing the WA coast) and feeling for the first time in a while like i actually wanted something out of my life, like i actually wanted to DO something, like maybe my endgame wasn’t actually laying in bed until the afternoon and doing barely the bare minimum required for the rest of my life

and then the fall was a constant challenge of those beliefs!! like, hey audrey isn’t it embarassing that for 20 seconds you actually aspired to be something? like, you’re a joke. but u know what? maybe i can be a joke! I love to make people laugh! in addition it was marked by knowing that there are so many good things in my life and all those good things will one day end, bc everything in life is sooo finite! we are all just here coming in and out of everyone elses lives and everything you love...... will leave (except the ocean and the mountains, the earth will outlive me but it might not outlive humanity)

so how to i feel about 2018?? well i can’t tell if it really is self-sabotage or i actually can predict the future but here’s what i see:

i see myself being challenged at every corner i turn by the self loathing i let into my heart all those years ago! but i see myself healing and reframing the past and giving love to the version of me that needed it most and telling her i SEE her. and that’s all i want. i think that’s all we all want actually, or most of us, idk. to be SEEN, to not be afraid of who we are or who we were and hide nothing, let people love the things about ourselves that hurt us the most. (to be truly vulnerable and to know we are SAFE, the same thing i told myself just a few days before i turned 19)

and yeah, next fall is gonna be weird, my senior year is gonna be weird! some of my close friends are gonna be farther away than i’m used to and i’m not as good at being lonely as i used to be, and i was so unhappy then anyway. sometimes i struggle with the reality that we meet all these people in our lives and sometimes its only for the briefest period of time. people live for decades!! maybe i’ll be one of them! and then there are the people who are in our lives for only a handful of years that change us so much! i mourn every friendship i’ve ever lost dating back to like, age five (katie, my first bff in kindergarten! sheryl from middle school!) and preemptively mourn everything that hasn’t ended...... yet

so, idk, what’s the real point of this post? what are some actual concrete goals that can make 2018 less shitty than some previous years?

when you hear that voice, the part of you you imagine as a rude guest at a dinner party (shows up, insults the food, is rude to everyone, makes mean comments insulting EVERYTHING, is a huge dick, and all the other guests are like ‘bro you didn’t even have to come, youre only bringing everyone down w your toxic behavior) don’t ask it to leave nicely! fight it! punch it! punch the wall! sob loudly! just don’t let it make you stop, no matter how stupid it makes you feel. you have my permission to feel stupid for trying but to keep trying anyway. not bc one day you’ll prove you wrong about yourself (lets hope you do but lets not count on it) but bc laying in bed all day or failing before trying is worse than ATTEMPTED productivity, or at least the illusion of it

oh god, pls start doing cardio again. don’t look back at recordings from freshman year and go... wow isnt the slimness of my face and the contour of where my neck and chin meet superior? like sure maybe audrey of winter 2016 didnt have the most healthy weightloss habits but in the spring when your eating habits became like uhhh, somewhat disordered, that’s when you started gaining weight again (also its not about your weight, its about your health, blah blah, blah, body image issues? never hear of them)

cook yourself some nice nutritious food. youll actually feel better and i know you know it!!!

read a fucking book! i mean you’ve been okay at this including poetry you read like 30 books this year so like high five man but just..... keep reading. 

make something out of your commute dont just sit on tumblr or stare into space

i know you think its impossible to work smarter when youre uhhh, kinda stupid, but try it. just, try.

just pls actually learn a fucking thing about how to play the tin whistle

keep writing and keep being vulnerable with yourself and don’t lie and don’t hide when no one else is looking bc it’s uh, pointless. i mean, you’re getting good at this but no one will SEE you if you don’t let them. you know this. you know this.

[joseyfeli1-blog]

This is it. Halloween 2017

So this Halloween (sadly) i will not dress up. But i will strip down, Ayyyyy!!

alright back to business. Sexuality, Identity, and least important of this bunch, Biological Sex.

This post is for my blog and to be written down. I am still closeted, which i only will tell people that i believe will not care so much about this info. Serisouly in my life, it isnt a huge thing for me.

So it has come to me, throughout this year i really shouldn’t say i am cisgender, and heterosexual. And for me that was strange for me to be so okay with. Yet it wasn’t of how accepting and how much i love myself. No. it is truly cause i knew i wasn’t but never went to go check up the lgbt+ shit, and didn’t care about this stuff. But here i am, caring about myself (how do i feel about that? ehh). Sexuality was never something i cared to bring up/talk about, but Senior year (high school) and im just realizing that from past experiences that, yeah, it is more complicated than - hetero, cis. Yeah no, mostly all my lifes explanations are paragraphs, or essays. long story short, This post is really not for the people who would support me (though Thank You so much) and also not for me to accept me. Again I never cared for my sexuality and i still dont, but since i might get asked, and i would like an straight(Hah!) answer.Okay so here it is…

Identity

A big thing this is. Most explanation will be put into this (not for people to believe me, just so its written somewhere). I want to be identifyed as Genderfluid, three genders, Male, Female, and Non-Binary. For friends on here, dont worry im fine with the pronouns and or whatever you all me. I enjoy no remembering that im biologically male, but i understand people wont care for me in the future. Plus about 17 years of it, kind of numbs you to caring about the pronoun game. So why identify as genderfluid and not be cisgendered? Well for me i am self aware that i depreciate myself (all the fucking time) and some part of it was, so i mustnt hate myself enough to realise i should accept the idea of me being identified as the other two genders. So i thought about, i hate most masculine shit. feminine shit? Love a lot of it! Shit with no gender?  Cool as fuck. So why be filtered Josey? why not embrace this threepeice mofo? 

Why do i believe myself to be these genders?/ Why identify as them?

picture a triple Venn diagram please? Male, Female, Non-Binary.

Why male? i WILL NOT degrade the beauty of the other two genders to have me as a full addition. (self-depreciation, i know, again self aware af) 

Why Female? They all are strong as H E L L! to be apart of them, thats a nice thought. Plus ive had a front row seat of how most common men act towards women and i will not be apart of those asses(i am a different kind of asshole, but that is for another post, not the time right now) I never liked the way how most people talk about how lesbians are only hot and the they are sexualized, THEN! when they bring it up! everyone calls them crazy and disregards the actions of sexualizing women loving women.

Why Non-Binary? They have no need for being either common gender, Awesome! in my opinion. The fact that i never cared for my gender  through my young life, speaks out to me, not loudly, but i know i barely care for the thing in between my pants, regardless my bio sex. In fact, i wont have memories of me being called specific pronouns and shit where i feel nostalgia over them, you wanna know why? Cause i dont remember being called a boy and enjoying it! i just remember having a great time with video games or walking around the houses ive been in.

Seriously days go by without me acknowledging that im male, so in my opinion no it doesn’t matter to me what people think of me, nor if they will support my identifications. Hence, Genderfluid, not trans, not just Non-binary. But three halves, to make a whole.

Sexuality

Alright the simpler part of this post. So when growing up, media, my family, myself, just thought it was okay for making me believe that: Yes! i am hetero! i like women! and it is okay how many are being degraded!

took me a second, but luckily i do not think that at all anymore. (for people that are going to argue me, realize that: too bad if im wrong! i aint changing this post for you!) Now sadily it took me tim eto notice how heteros i knew/ know think its fine how they think so lowly of the people they find sexually attractive, but opinions opinions! so i digress.

I am DemiPansexual (and probs demiromantic, not the time to figure that shit out yet.;p)

Demisexual- Part of the Ace spectrum, you are sexually attracted to no one other than people you have created such powerful bonds with, the immensity or lack of strong bond is obviously individual preference.

Pansexual- People sexually attracted to people whom are themselves as much as possible. See People, we dont care for biological sex, identity, or sexual orientation of whomever we feel attracted to sexually. Again personal reference is what you are looking towards other people (or yourself? who nows? some freaky narcissistics out there, @rapforeminem im looking at You!:p). For me, people being themselves the most, and me seeing them sexually attractive because of it- That (again for me) is someone living their life where they cant stop learning themselves and aspiring to be themselves as we all know, we gonna die soon. the fact is (in my opinion), People dont change, they adapt and grow. They become what their soul is. i believe that souls know what we will become, hopes that we discover all 100% of ourselves, i pray to know all of me, but im also scared, so i will not try to really go out for the answer, if it happens, it happens, and cool too. To see someone be themselves and embrace it, brightens my mood. seeing their bright eyes, makes me bite my lip (like a loser and/or fangirl, lol), it makes me feel good/ special to be there for it. it is special and sweet. anyhow, i hate seeing people as sexual objects, i know i very much did before, but for me, it was normalized! for me! i am justifying me right now, im justifying when i didn’t know that was not how i like to think and act.

DemiPansexual- So why use both? Well, i shouldn’t call myself/ use the ace spectrum to use for myself, again big respect for each one of them, because  i have seen people that i didn’t have/ picture of having a profound bond with. And I love the soul of others, they’re so pretty! Especially when they are really unfiltered.

now because i am pansexual, doesn’t mean i have to seek out the entire soul of another to be even a tiny bit sexually attracted to them. That is my opinion. This Whole Fucking post is my god damned opinion, why type and post it? it will give me god damn peace broham. having something written, helps me cope, so in a sense, this helps me be me, acceot myself and my complicated sexuality/identity.

So for people whom talk, or want to talk to me (there is no line for that), and dont know how to talk to me aafter i come out, just notice, i never really talked about myself in these ways before! i never really cared, i am numb to how poeple just saw a straight regular boi. GOD do i wish it was that simple, literally over an hour typing this shit! But of course to end it,

Biological sex

i am boi

Alright that is it! Hahaha, okay so this is going out at 2:00 am in texas time, but 12:00am (Halloween) for westcoast of the united states. ill reblog during the day of Halloween. not to advertise myself, but for people that want a coming out post, and or support me no matter what (thank you again, love you lot) i identify as.

Oh and i understand that there are so many! so many spectrums and other shit, so if you read all this, or just feel like im incorrect and ou are in fact more intelligent in this subject than me and try to tell me “that i am actually something else”, or “there is a better title for you” i wont listen right now, im fucking exhuasted okaying this post as is, ill check on myself and the wikipedia if I feel the need to. And if you do not beileive or disagree with any part of my coming out shtuff, talk to me directly, no need to hurt my supporters, followers, people i follow, random Tumblr users, and especially mutuals( I Love you guys! MWAH!). Message ME that im wrong or dont exist! not the people that had no idea this post was being done! give me your hate! im cool with it! I Will allow it!

Anyway! Happy mother fucking Halloween California! Have a safe and fun one this year! and everywhere else for that matter.