#thought i would forget about if i didnt put it out there a$ap rocky

[bananarantanen]

new york, new jersey, new us — j. hughes 

one: washington square park and agreements

pairing: jack hughes x reader

summary: after time apart, the first time you reconnect in new york has got you two strolling down memory lane. however, a new one is also created in the meantime and it’s gonna be hard one to forget.

word count: 3.8k+

warnings: a couple swear words, alludes to anxiety

a/n: this story is set up like in 3+1 style bc that’s how it was originally written. obviously i gave up on that, but the format stays pretty true - each chapter following a different scenario leading up to the ending. also! plotline of this fic is loosely inspired/based around pancakes for dinner by lizzy mcalpine :-) (if u find the references, lmk) (the’yre pretty short n lowkey but still) (if u find it, u find it)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“please, just drop me off by washington square park. i swear i can find my way around from there,” you plead.

“i don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this. i can literally walk you right up to the conference room.”

“hell no.”

“why not?”

lightly you chuckle, “you know, for a guy who barely did any of his own high school work, let alone knowing what it’s like being on-campus at a university, you sure do try to act like you own the place. reminder: this is new york, not jersey, jack.”

he huffs as the car comes to a halt, him taking off his cap for a moment to tousle his hair just to swiftly put it on again – a frustrated tick you’ve picked up over the years. the car pulls up alongside some random street and you can’t help but roll your eyes. given you have known each other since you were fourteen, you know how stubborn he could be. it was something eminent you had noticed growing up. while coaches and scouts loved his drive, it was a problem when it came to things like taking simple directions from google maps (you had a blown out fight when he first got his license and got lost driving you guys to see one of luke’s games in the town over). though the longer you stare, amidst him silently cursing out the horrible parking jobs of others and all, you notice some things did change. 

for example, his hair had grown out even more since you last saw him at thanksgiving. he may say it’s for “the flow,” in reality, it’s because amanda lewis called him elf ears for the entirety of sophomore year and he’s been insecure ever since. the cap he’s wearing, plain black and labelled “michigan tech huskies hockey,” was a gift that you’d sent to him during your first semester at school. even though you’re a theatre and entertainment technology major, and knowing his family’s connection to umich, you thought it was funny. 

“listen, y/n,” jack says. “the last time you were in a place that wasn’t michigan was the draft. that’s like, almost three years ago.”

“and?” you retort as you begin to unbuckle your seatbelt.

“and what if you get lost?” he grumbles, eyebrows furrowing at the thought of it. “there’s some crazy people doing stuff out on those streets and it’d kill me if anything happened to you.”

you jerk your eyebrow up in response.

“a-and my mom, and your’s too…  and your brother, and mine too! luke and quinn would probably-”

cutting him off, you spit with a hint of laughter, “quinn doesn’t fight.” a smile starts to break through your lips thinking about it. “plus, who would be scared of him? he’s the type of guy that has a fear of rabbits.”

your bickering falls for a moment as you see his demeanor starting to soften. a snicker escapes his lips because you had a point, and everything finally felt still. jack was late in picking you up, disrupting your meticulously planned schedule, and despite being slightly annoyed by that fact, you let it slide considering he offered driving in the first place.

you peer over jack’s shoulder and take in your new location from the safety of the car. at the park across the street you notice couples walking their dogs, groups of teenagers probably walking home from school, business men with grim facial expressions and other sorts of various people making their way. it’s busy but what else could you expect out of this place?

new york wasn’t on schedule for you during spring break. 

moreover the sound of random jazz music, catching up on some recreational reading, and the ambience of strangers’ chatter in a local cafe back home was what you had in mind. you must’ve accidentally cursed god enough times as of late to piss him off because, clearly, you weren’t as relaxed as you had imagined. instead, you got piles of unfinished papers backlogging your laptop storage and spent the last couple nights listening to screaming taxi cabs during walks in town trying to bust your ass to your hotel because the transit route is confusing here. 

you’re a simple girl. you like cities and people. although, this was the city with more people in one place than you’ve ever seen. the only reason why you are in the most populous city in america is because of a three day conference happening at nyu (it was being paid off by the theatre and entertainment department at least, so it was an offer hard to decline).

“-if you say yes i promise dinner’s on me tonight. anywhere you’d like, like seriously, no cost limit.”

and then, there’s jack.

you guys are friends. however it was more of a thing set up by ellen and your mom, teresa, at first. they were gym buddies for as long as you could remember and were delighted to discover their kids were going to the same high school once you had graduated from middle school. for a bit it was mainly awkward carpools in the morning with the hughes family, moving your separate ways as soon as you stepped through the doors. it was an unagreed official routine.

call it cliche, the genesis of your friendship being based on generic high school tropes; you were the theatre nerd, he was the athlete. you were well aware of his status due to constant announcements about his accomplishments with the ndtp, watching your peers gawk every now and then whenever he had an interview. before you guys had started getting along, the only times his face would be in the crowd at a show were probably during english. teachers used to bring their classes over to the theatre if there was ever a shakespeare play on.

the shift in your relationship only really came when your families had a joint cabin trip during summer 2017. long story short: one long car drive, plus a super intense round of mario party, mixed with your competitive nature somehow fit perfectly with the young athletes. winning is your favourite thing to do and that satisfaction came easily with jack by your side, you learned. he’s been there ever since. (quinn and luke refuse to play mario party in teams after that).

now once ellen had caught wind of your short new york trip from your mom, she immediately called up her son. jack was slightly annoyed that he had to learn of your arrival through his mother, but you believed he already had enough on his plate. your presence would just add to his long to-do list.

“c’mon, y/n/n.”

you look him dead in the eyes for one more second before giving in, letting out a defeated “ok, fine,” as you step outside of the car.

“thank you,” he says as he follows suit. 

you take out your phone from your coat pocket and check the time as you make your way towards washington square park.

1:27pm

“we got a while to go till the conference starts,” you say to jack. you two walk closely side by side, making sure to stay on the right side of the asphalt sidewalk to avoid colliding with too many people in the crowd.

“what time does it start?” 

the wind starts to pick up from behind and you pull your coat a little closer to your body. he notices your minor strive to keep warm and consequently starts to trail behind you a little bit, trying to use his larger frame to shield you from the oncoming chill. “2:30pm, but the email says i gotta be there fifteen minutes before it begins to sign in and everything. supposedly there’s gonna be almost around five hundred kids from around the state and other neighbouring places going too, so i also gotta take the lineup time into consideration.” 

“five hundred theatre kids? god, talk about a nightmare,” he teases. 

“absolute liar.”

“in what way?”

“i KNOW you secretly enjoyed watching the 2018 show of legally blonde: the musical.”

“my mom made me go, alright,” he scoffs in defence. 

“i know for a fact that ellen actually had other plans with my mom on opening night. it was you that had forced her to come because quinn backed out last minute.”

“okay, it’s not my fault you guys charged $25 per ticket!” he throws his hands up in defence. “i couldn’t let my money go to waste! i only bought them because i heard jenna malloy made a good elle and boy, was i right about that.”

you bump his hip slightly with yours and groan at his comment. “say it’s jenna malloy or whatever, but your spotify activity after the show said otherwise.”

“shit,” he utters. “i forgot you’re a creep that stalks everyones’ spotify history.”

“spotify stalker or spotify sleuth?” you answer. it goes quiet briefly until you both make eye contact again and then burst into hysterics, becoming obnoxiously loud to the point the pigeons the flock away. 

it was a stupid inside joke you had with the hughes brothers from a couple years ago. thinking back, maybe you were a little too invested in the eldest brother’s small fling with a girl he met at an open skate. regardless, your nosiness worked out in the end because you discovered she was already in a long-term relationship through multiple public playlists on her account and instantly sent it to the hughes brothers groupchat. needless to say, quinn at least thanks you to this day for helping him dodge that bullet. in spite of their family rising in immense fame over the years, it’s nice knowing that silly little memories and jokes between you all stand till now. 

finally, you and jack make it to washington square and you can’t help but take a mental picture of your surroundings. new york is nothing in comparison to canton or houghton, that’s for sure. everything you looked at spilled of colour and culture, and every corner you turn there is something new. while your world usually consisted of the same friends and family since you were young, the unfamiliarity of new york is a challenge you find exciting. the plaza is moderately filled up, you note, and typically you would try to find a route with less people in efforts to avoid the chance of getting perceived.

“so, how was fall semester?” he asks, disturbing your train of thoughts.

“expected. a workload but i’m having fun at least,” you shrug. “then again, everyone is lowkey competing to be the best.”

“how could anyone not notice you?”

“it’s a big world out there,” you shrug again.

“even behind the scenes, i know you’re still everyone’s favourite.”

you used to love the spotlight when you first started off in theatre. you went for all the lead roles in the local productions, taking classes outside of school to perfect your craft and consuming anything related to broadway as possible. again, you craved the feeling of winning and reading your name at the top of casting lists gave almost the exact same satisfaction. on the contrast, as you grew up, you realized that there was more to the art and quickly fell into dedicating your time backstage. initially you had signed up to join the backstage crew as a freshman in hopes of getting in with the seniors, heightening your chances of making it into company. though by the time first semester was over, you were already heading the sound booth and fit perfectly well in the role of creative director (it was just a fancier term for set designer, but whatever looks best on a resume).

you gleam, “it’s called dedication and hard work. picked up some notes from some random kid back in canton.” 

“he sounds super hot and humble,” he retorts with a discreet smile, proud of the fact you gave him a compliment. 

“ha,” you deadpan. “too bad he still has to call his mom to ask for advice on his pre-game suits.” 

he proceeds to be seriously hurt from your comment, grabbing his chest, falling down slowly and reaching towards a nearby bench arm to help aid his dramatic antics. “ow, y/n! my ego! it’s fragile right now. you can’t go injuring me mid-season like that.”

you give him a little side eye and stop in your tracks while he creates a scene. his need for attention catches the eyes of a few kids playing with bubble wands by the fountain and they stare as the pouty teenage boy looks up to you with doe eyes. “and i’m supposed to be the drama queen?” you call out as you reach out a hand to pull him up from the ground. he grapples on to yours but when he gets to his feet, a sudden rush of red starts to run to his cheeks, you notice. maybe it’s the air, it’s cold.

he clears his throat. “so, dress code for tonight?”

“dress code?” your voice hitches in question.

“for you know, dinner,” he muses. “you always have a plan.” he seats himself down to another nearby bench and pats the open space beside.

“no, i don’t,” you reply, moving on next to him.

“freshman year, spring fling: green because, well, spring. quinn’s draft: light blue because i know you secretly wanted him to go to the canucks so you could visit the west coast with an excuse. and then junior year, when wyatt asked you out for the first time: orange because he complimented your shirt on the first day of school,” he casually recites so easily as if it were his recent grocery list.

stunned at his memory, you bite your cheek. “you remembered all that?” you grip onto the bench slightly as your brain concocts other possible things he might remember about you. 

“mhm, of course,” he kicks a rock at his feet and digs his hands further in his pockets. “i was there too yenno – the first day of school AND when he asked you out.”

“AND you also were the one to pick me up from said-first date when mom’s truck broke down. still can’t believe wyatt didn’t offer to drive me home instead, though,” you laugh lightly at the memory. despite the odd definition of your relationship throughout high school, acknowledging low whispers of your peers questioning how you two went from strangers in the hallways to waiting for each other at the door after every block all because of one summer, the one thing that you understood with no question was jack’s ability to have your back no matter what.

for instance, before that one summer at the lakehouse, you forgot your lunch money at home after a shitty morning fight with your brother. you had already been lined up alongside the swarm of students, tray and food already in hands, when you realized you had no way of paying. after what felt like hours, your ears were burning by the time you were at the cash register and you dreaded looking up as you scrambled through your backpack and pockets, knowing you were backing up the line. the next thing you know, you hear a simple “i got it” peep from behind you. from that moment on, paired with the kind greeting in his eyes, it felt like some sort of unwritten note that he was going to be the person to call in case of anything going awry in your life – including failed dates.

he looks over to you softly. “guy’s always been a major dummy. you had your hair all done up, and everything. it was nice. every princess needs a ride home, even cinderella got a pumpkin at least.” 

“thanks,” you reply. looking down at your current outfit, plain black slacks and a blouse, you can’t help but sigh, “guess not so much colour anymore, huh.” while the conference didn’t require a certain colour scheme, you felt like being neutral was safe. given, the level of professionalism that was advertised about the event. theatre kids bleed colours, which made your outfit choice even more odd, but you figured your backstage title would make sense to others if you wore the attributed attire (a.k.a. head to toe black to blend into the background seamlessly during shows). still had a hint of red through your converse though, your lucky pair. 

“y-you still look nice,” he says, trying to save his statement, afraid it came off the wrong way. 

you start to stand up from the bench since you figure a good amount of time has passed and it’s enough for you guys to get moving again. the conference was your main priority here and the thought of being late to something this important was wringing your insides.

“i just miss y-” he utters. “it. i miss it. you know, the monochrome colours. it was your schtick. y/n y/l/n, the gal who lived in colour.” he jumps to his feet and joins you since you’ve already started walking again.

“c’mon, we gotta get moving. i got things to do.” you check your phone for the time once more, trying to avoid the topic of your previous self.

1:45pm

with the sudden consciousness of the amount of time you two had on your hands, you feel yourselves pacing your stroll, slowing down to kill the time. the sun was beaming brightly through the trees, reflecting off the instruments of random buskers out in the open, and the smell of hot dogs were a distinct feature that you never took seriously when hearing the stereotypes of new york city yet, here you are. you look up at jack as you throw him more details of the afternoon ahead of you and there’s a look on his face that you can’t fully piece together. 

for the first time in your guys’ relationship he’s the one silently listening to all your cool endeavours, not the other way around. sure, he was an nhl allstar by age twenty. on the other hand, you finally were fulfilling the dreams you spoke about during late night sleepovers in the basement while everyone else fell asleep.

“what are you grinning about, hughes?” you poke at his chest in an attempt to get a word out of him.

“n-nothing, y/l/n.” 

you stop in your steps and he buffers in his own, careful not to bump into you. 

“oh my god, y/n, what? what is it now?”

you turn on your heel so you face him and perk your chin up slightly. he isn’t the tallest guy you’ve stood next to before. however, there is still a large enough difference in your height for you to crane your neck when talking to him. “you’re being a funny dude today, dude.”

he rolls his eyes. “i have no idea what you’re talking about, dude,” he replies with an emphasis on the word “dude”.

“i don’t know,” you exhale as you place your hands on your hips. “though, the persistent insist on walking me to the conference? offering to pay for dinner? you being silent when listening to my plans and getting no snarky remarks back at any point? when was the last time i have had a conversation with you without that happening?”

honestly, you weren’t really tracking much of the time up until this moment. yet, a speechless jack is something out of the ordinary for sure and you can’t help but notice. perhaps two or three minutes pass and the most he does is reach for his eyebrow, scratching it (another mindless habit of his when he’s baffled), and not a single peep comes out of his mouth still.

“... you got nothing for once?” you try to pry.

the faceoff was becoming a bit too awkward for your liking at that point. maybe it was the sun starting to get in your eyes or something, but you manage to track his eyes jump from your gaze to your lips and back while staring so sharply for that minute, looking for a response. if you had blinked you probably would have missed it. he takes stride closer towards you and suddenly the noise of the outside world starts to decrescendo. there are so many people around since you had now made it to the fountain, central to the whole park, and every nearby plot of land is either filled with native new yorkers making their rounds or tourists taking pictures. you can’t help but feel your heartbeat punch holes against your ribs; partially because what the fuck was happening, the other reason is because you definitely felt overstimulated to a stomach grinding degree. he tries to go for your hand but you reluctantly pull back. this does not work in your favour as you almost find yourself at the bottom of the iconic fountain, bumping into the brim of the edge. he manages to catch you, loosely holding you in a cradle.

“why didn’t you call to tell me that you’re coming, y/n?” he breathes out, eyes looking so intensely into your own in hopes of finding some honesty.

“hey, aren’t you jack hughes?”

you both snap out of your small frozen moment and turn heads at the voice. it’s one of those little kids with the bubble wands from earlier.

jack drops his grip on you and swipes his palms on his jeans before approaching the young boy, bubble wand still in one hand, and the other holding a half eaten ice cream cone between his chubby little fingers.

“yeah,” jack coughs out while you remain stagnant by the fountain, still trying to process what just happened. “you a big hockey fan?”

“yeah! i think i like hamilton more though, sorry.”

jack laughs and you can’t help but be amused by his statement too, covering your mouth to hide the fact that this seemingly six or seven year old child decided to say that to a former first overall pick.

the kid takes one more lick at his ice cream and asks, “can i still get a picture? i promise i’ll cheer for the devils the next time you guys play the islanders.”

“deal,” jack replies. “got a name, kid?”

“peter,” he answers as he gobbles down the last bits of his ice cream. “hold on, let me go get my mom. i’ll be right back,” he exclaims before zooming off in another direction.

you butt in, “i should get going. like i said earlier, there’s probably going to be a long line up for the sign-ins and i’d hate to be caught up in all that,” you gesture, trying to play it off cool considering whatever just occured in the last five minutes.

“yeah, cool, totally, of course! you hate being late too, i get it,” he retorts in a nonchalant tone.

“so, we cool?”

“cool as the ice at the prudential center.”

you show a slightly disgusted face at the sound of his comment. dad joke-esque responses were never your favourite thing.

“sorry, that was fucking stupid. we’re fine, y/n.”

“cool.”

“cool.”

you wave off as you make your way towards nyu, refusing to look back as soon as you turn your head. seeing jack with younger kids always bore a tender spot in your heart, yet this isn’t the time to dwell on that.

while you came to new york with the intention of making new connections, industry wise to build your career, your brain is now invested in another business for the time being. that is: what the hell has gotten into jack?

-

a/n: heyo i’m back again ! thanks for reading ! if ur interested in me making a taglist for future updates, lmk :D (im still debating bc idk if ppl will care about this enough)

[fanfic-factory]

Love at First Sight (Chapter 33)

P.o.v Rocky "i cant say" i said hoping she wouldn't go ape shit on me. t first she looked like she was going to yell at me and slap me but then her face soon went to emotionless and then from there she started to cry. after that i had just decided to hug her in the hopes that there wouldnt be any further questions. just when i thought i was right about that she spoke "Who is she?" she asked me with a voice that was barely audible. 'oh shit' i thought to myself without letting go of my sister. i could tell that she felt me tense up after she asked me who Ellington was cheating on her with. She then looked at me and i noticed she wasnt crying anymore now she just seems suspicious. "there is clearly something you something that you arent telling me and if you dont tell me i tell rachel about your big secret and i know that you dont want that" 'shit really shes blackmailing me? damn it now i have to tell her.' i thought to myself. "fine ill tell you" i told her with a shaky voice knowing that Ross and Ellington would probably kill me later but i also know that my sister deserves to know the truth after all the tears i just put her through. "k so did u happen to notice that Ross was out tonight too?" i started hoping she wouldnt catch on this soon but at the same time i ant to be done with this conversation because it is so awkward. "dont go changing the sub... oh" i can tell she figured it out on her own because of what she just said. p.o.v Rydel "dont go changing the sub... oh" i said just realizing what my brother was hiding from me. he seemed to realize that i figured it out because he was walking away. "here do you think you're going! im not done talking to you yet" he turned back around and started to walk back towards me. "so what you are telling me is that our little brother and my... i guess now ex boyfriend are dating?" i say sounding confused considering i am still trying to process all of this. after i said that rocky gave me a strange look and said "well i guess you could put it that way." i suddenly felt as if i was forgetting something but then i remembered. "we have to tell chelsie!" i yelled at him as if he had just told me no even though he didnt. "i know, but not yet" he replied. "why not?" i asked my brother while thinking about how upset chelsie is going to be when she finds out that Ross is cheating on her with Ellington. od thats weird to think about. after that i snapped back to reality and said "you can go now if you want" with that he said "ok" and left. p.o.v Ross i walked into the Baton Rouge where my first date with Ellington would take place. when i walked inside i decided i would wait for Ellington to get here so we could go to our table together. ides he probably isnt far behind. right after i have thought about that Ellington walked through the door and the moment we made eye contact my stomach tied itself in a knot. i then walked up to Ellington and gave him a peck on the cheek. i could tell he was blushing after i had done so which caused me to blush as well.ter we both stopped blushing we went to the table in which we had previously gotten reservations for. after we had walked to the table we both sat down and at first it was kind of awkward because i guess neither of us could think of anything to talk about until "so when exactly did you start hsving feelings for me?" i asked Ellington. "to be completely truthful i have liked you since the day we met at the rage. "same here!" he began "even though i also had feelings for your sister for a long time but i always loved you more than i loved her i just used her as a cover up and..." he rambled and rambled and i honestly thought he was never going to stop. i mean i love to sound of his voice but his lips were just calling my name so i kissed him mid sentence. it shocked him a bit at first but then calmed down. i knew that if someone didnt pull away soon we would be doing more than just kissing soon enough so i pulled away seeing that i was the one initiate the kiss and also knowing that lington had literally just gotten into it so he wouldnt want to stop quite yet after that we ordered our food and kept the conversation going. at times it got really random like at one point we started to talk about cats but it didnt matter because it was with Ellington. as long as i am with Ellington i am happy. p.o.v chelsie My plan of sitting at home alone watching movies all day failed almost instantly. i got reaslly bored after like the third movie so i decided i would text Rydel and ask if i could go over to her place so we could chill. i got a reply saying that i could so i grabbed my phone and headed over to her house. when i got there she was the only one to greet me because everyone else was minding their own business. We walked in the house and we headed to Rydel's room. We sat down and I instantly noticed the worried/sad look on her face. "I noticed you look a bit worried or sad. Is everything ok with you and Ellington?" P.o.v Rydel "I noticed you looked a bit worried or sad. Is everything ok with you and Ellington?" She asked me with a concerned look on her face. I guess now is as good a time as any to tell her. "No everything is not ok with me and Ellington!" I said almost yelling as tears filled my eyes. "Did Ellington break up with you?" She asked me now sounding as concerned as ever. "Worse!" I replied "then what happened?" She asked me. "He's cheating on me!" I sobbed. At this point we had decided to go sit in the tv room so it wouldn't seem so crammed. "With who?" She asked me impatiently. "With Ross" I just managed to choke out. Right as I finished saying this, Ross and Ellington walked through the door...

[hopelesslylovesick]

I don't know anything anymore

04/04/17 || 1:27 am 

I picked up a gram of what’s apparently pure blow… Time to do a line and see 

Just did one line. It definitely tastes different, less of what I can only describe as that “rancid” taste. Oh shit maybe it’s placebo but this is definitely hitting me. Things are ever so slightly blurry and like, damn the numbing is happening erratically all over the place. Holy fuck I’m definitely wired, my mind is going so fast. And music sounds fucking amazing. 

1:37 am 

Going to do a bit of a smaller line 

1:48 am 

Can think a bit more clearly now, going to do another line. 

2 minutes later right now, probably less, giong to just do the sliver left cause why not/. 

2:01 am 

ALLA is so bless, going to do another line now. I just had a thought that was literally “why did I ever quit” haha dkm…actually tho lol

 2:09 am 

I thought she fell asleep but I guess not. L$D video never fails, going to do another line.

 2:14 am 

 Fuck she’s not happy. Going to do half a line.

 2:18 am 

She sounds like she’s almost fed up with him…

Going to do a line, or the rest of it I guess I’m definitely going to need more for tonight, a lot to think about. 

2:22 am 

A$AP Rocky is a genius. Going to do a line, bit longer then the others. 

2:32 am 

What the fuck is going on… I’m doing a bump 

2:37 am 

I don’t know if what she’s telling me right now is how she truly feels….

I’m going to do the rest of the bump, don’t think I need it but I feel like I need to in a way. 

2:45 am 

Man…I just don’t know anymore. It’s a minute later.

 I’ve started listening to korean music just now. 

I think I’ll do an entire line, just feel like I should, even though I probably shouldn’t. 

2:56 am 

I want, maybe even need more, especially right now. A lot to wrap my head around. 

2:58 am 

Exactly 10 minutes after my last line, going to do one now. 

3:06 am 

Going to do the smaller line of the two…my brain is a mess right now 

3:16 am 

She’ going to sleep now. What just happened. What did I just hear…I’m going to do the last line and switch to english ballads.

I don’t know if I’m going to do more, guess I’ll just have to see. 

Starting off with Lay Me Down, songs been stuck in my head lately. 

3:25 am 

Listening to Don’t Speak right now. I also set up 3 lines…I’m going to try stop after this, I need too, 

Going to do a line now. 

Time for Killing Me Softly, I really need to download and listen to all of The Education of Ms. Lauryn Hill sometime, so many amazing songs on there. The fact that I only recently found out wyclef was in this song and was even a part of the fugees in the first place is sort of embarassing. Also the bridge ot this song is absolute perfection, sounds amazing everytime. 

Nevermind, how could I forget about the last chorus with the echo, god so good. Yeah, last 30 seconds of this song is actually one of the greatest musical works out there. Rightfully so too. 

Was going to listen to haley reinhart’s rendition of creep but I want the 90s hip hop vibe, so listening to fallin even tho it’s not 90s. That drum just has that feel regardless. 

Also I feel weirdly awake, either that or I’m sobering up pretty hard. 

3:33 am 

Going to do a line Listening to What Goes Around…Comes Around. God this used to be my fucking jam, that spanish guitar, especially at the beginning is just so clean, so smooth. 

Switched to When I was Your Man, wait nevermind I want haley reinhart LOL. Just switching through her songs right now, I have this sense of anxiety and urgency. Part of the reason being I only have one line left and I don’t really want to succumb and do more, even though I feel like there’s a good chance I might… 

Oh my god this song just touched me…I feel like I want to do more and just keep this vibe going for as long as I can….fuck me 

 Just suddenly switched to kim bum soo’s “last love”…I just really want to hear it right now….

3:41 am 

I’m going to read our conversation from just now…Also do the line 

It’s 3 minutes later, switched to All I Ask I almost feel like I should do just one more. I don’t have like a strong uncontrollable urge for it, but I just feel like it’s what I should do, in some sort of fucked up way.

 Listening to Young and Beautiful now, almost went to Emmylou but this just felt a little more enticing. 

3:52 am 

Set up 2 lines, I have a feeling this will be it for tonight now, for real. GOing to do one now. 

Messed up a little while doing the line, it’s fine though. 

Time for Someone Like You. 

Going to read old posts now. 

Read a line where I said I can’t tell if the depression thing is coming back or already has even. I still can’t say for sure, but for some reason I feel like it’s not, and it isn’t coming, at least not anytime soon. I don’t know why though, literally no reason for me to think that, but a million to think the opposite. I wonder why….. I don’t know if I want to read more…. 

Listening to High Hopes now, don’t really have a reason why I picked this but just felt right.

Listening to All I want right now, but I’m going to switch to Streetcar when I do the last line. Switched to Birdy’s rendition of Skinny Love, just suddenly want to hear a little of it. 

4:02 am 

Just did the last line, sort of want to do more, we’ll see (fuck me again lol), going to switch to streetcar now. This song is putting a lot of thoughts in my head….fuck I’m debating if I’m happy or sad, I can’t tell these days. I can’t tell what, or who rather the real me is. I don’t know a lot of things I used too. I don’t know to describe how I feel…the closest thing would be that I feel lost, feel clueless, feel like I don’t know anything anymore, don’t feel real…I don’t even make sense. I don’t know how to explain how I feel with words. It’s just such…a confusing feeling, one that makes me feel uncertain, just lost in a sense. 

Fuck I want to do more….what am I doing…. 

I switched to the stars fell on alabam cover,streetcar was overwhelming me, it was too much to handle right now. Switched to Emmylou cover, stars didn’t feel right. 

I….think I’m going to end up doing another line. What the fuck is wrong with me. Am I actually this sad? Have no self control? Fuck….. 

4:12 am 

I set up 3 lines. Going to start with the smallest one, it’s slightly bigger then a bump. I know this is so bad but I…almost don’t care….fuck. 

Fucked up a little…. 

Listening to PMJ’s cover of Maps now 

4:16 am 

Going to do a tiny bump now. Man, the climax point of this song get ms everytime, she’s such an amazing singer. I just had a thought…I don’t know how true it is…but I feel like maybe the reason, or at least one of the reasons I do white is so that I can have these nights where I’m alone and just able to relax and think. Where I’m able to truly just be myself in a way. Also, listening to bruno mars’ all i ask, going to switch to adele’s live version now. 

4:21 am 

Going to the rest of the bump now, it’s pretty big in terms of height for a bump. Oh well, not that that makes a difference lol…. 

Sweet, I didnt’ fuck up this time, I was trying so hard not too. Oh, that got my heart beating, time to try relax. 

Listening to Adele’s Someone Like You, the live version, might listen to studio after I think. 

4:26 am 

Just did the last line. I was going to wait until I finish the live and then I start the studio, but it felt right to just do it. Also immediately, and still do in the back of my head, had the thought that I want more…. 

If I end up doing all of it tonight I’m actually fucked, I need help. Listening to her live performance at Largo, I have a feeling this will be good. Also it’s a vevo video so it’s definitely going to at least match my expectations. Also, I just got the feeling, the feeling that makes me think I’m probably going to end up doing more…what the hell. I normally want to stop or not want more by now…did my tolerance go up even more? 

I’ve done 18 so far. What the fuck. I just counted, and unless I counted wrong, which I’m pretty sure I didn’t, I’ve done 18. What the fuck is wrong with me… Think I’m going to listen to another live performance of the song, I want to compare them. Also I don’t know if I’m going to do another line, but the fact that I’m considering it is sort of pitiful, fucking sad really. Watching her 2011 VMA performance now. Fuck a part of me wants to say fuck it and just do another line, but another is telling me I shouldn’t, to be smart about this. I can’t figure out who I want to listen too. I know who I should (idk why I’m referring to the two parts as whos), listen too, but I don’t know if I want too. I hate this dilemma. I hate this. I hate me for being weak. For taking the easy way out so often. Wow, as I was typing that sentence just now I just got the urge to do it, it became stronger. Wow….this isn’t happening… I’m actually going to OD wtf… 

4:39 am 

Switched to her performance on Ellen. Also I just set up 2 lines, smaller ones then the others, about ¾ of the ones I’ve been doing. I felt so dirty, so disgusted with myself as I was pouring it on to my table….God, what the fuck is happening… 

Just did the line. Doing coke just feels so natural now, so normal, it’s so bad… I want to tell her so bad, about how I’ve really been doing. But I’m not going to. Going to try my damn fucking hardest not too, because it’s better if I don’t. She’ll never agree, but I I know that’s the truth. At the very least I shouldn’t tell her now. Maybe later on, somewhere down the line when she doesn’t have so much going on. 

This is one of the few songs that I won’t end early unless I really want too. Just such a good song, it’s a masterpiece. Watching her 2017 Melbourne performance. I think I’m going to end tonight with the studio version, might listen to one more live performance before that, not sure. 

4:45 am 

Going to the last line now. I hope I’m really done for the night now. Won’t know for sure until I decide something I guess. Was about to listen to the studio version, but decided to listen to her live performance in her home before I do. I don’t know if it’s the acoustics or her, but her voice sound so smooth in this, like velvet. God, this version is just so great, it’s almost like the studio version, just sounds so control, so comforting and smooth.

I sort of want to listen to her live performance at alber hall again. The crowd singing was honestly just so cool, for a lack of better words, it’s just a great thing to hear. 

Fuck…I think I’m going to do one more…fuck…..just honestly, like fuck…is it over for me, am I going to wake up tomorrow craving coke? Am I even going to wake up in the first place? Fuck me, what the hell am I doing… 

4:55 am 

The royal albert hall performance definitely has it’s own charm too, feels so raw, so real I guess. Also I just set up 2 more lines, about the same amount as the last two coincidentally. Well fuck, guess I’m doing one.

Switched to the studio right before I did, think I’m just going to have this playing for the rest of the night. I don’t know if I don’t care about dying like before, or I simply am too controlled by coke that I don’t really focus on anything else. It’s a scary thought really. No winning. I think I might like the royal albert hall performance more then the studio, which is interesting cause I’ve never thought that before. 

Probably going to switch back to it now. Also my vision just did the weird go out of focus thing for a second. Chest feels a bit tight… God you really lose all sense of time when on coke. Whenever I think a lot of time passed by it’s the opposite, and vice versa. So weird, interesting, but weird. 

 5:01 am 

Going to read to letter she wrote me a while back when I was at western, not sure why, just want too. Maybe it was the coke, but I felt incredibly uncomfortable, really uneasy while reading that. I don’t know what I think, just going to go back to listening to someone like you. I want to really listen to it this time. 

5:05 am 

Going to do the last line. I’m hoping that I don’t end up doing more after this, but honestly I can’t say for sure anymore. It’s beyond any rationality, beyond my control 

Also didn’t realize how simple the piano chords is. Sure I was aware of it, but it never clicked how simple it is, it’s the same 2(?) being repeated. So simple, yet elegant. Fucking amazing. Also my right nostril burns a little, not painful, but like a cooled but still warm coffee is being pressed on the inside of it. 

For some reason, I feel like I shouldnt let the song end completely, not until I’m done for tonight. 

5:08 am 

Am I going to do more? I don’t know. But right now I want to let my thoughts flow out, I haven’t being doing that for the past couple “sessions” so I feel like I should this time. She told me today that she feels like once he gets in he’ll just leave her. And it was almost unnerving, because what she said was exactly how a part of me assumes their relationship is going to play out. I don’t know if I even see a chance of their relationship thriving anymore. I think there still is a chance, there always is, but I think it’s slim, smaller then it ever has been before. She told me today that she’s not happy with him anymore,that she’s convinced he’s only with her because he relies on her academically and emotionally. I didn’t really know how to respond. I don’t want to lie to her, but I can’t tell her that I think the same. That’s just cruel…just not right to do. So I told her I don’t know. She told me that she doesn’t see a reason to continue…but still is for whatever reason. I don’t think she knows exactly why. she’s hoping it’s temporary. I don’t know what the truth is, I honestly don’t, not yet anyways. But I feel like I might realize it tomorrow, when she’s rested and is able to think clearly. Fuck, I feel so uncomfortable, mainly cause of the coke probably, but I feel like it’s also because talking about this just makes me so..uneasy…so uncomfortable to an extent. I’ve done 22 lines so far. I’m definitely at least somewhat close to OD’ing, or maybe not, I have a high tolerance after all. I shouldn’t risk it anymore…but why does a part of me want to continue? 

5:17 am 

It’s scary, disturbing really. The moment I pick the the little bag of coke and make the conscious (or unconscious) decision to do more, it’s like I go on autopilot. I just set up a line in a way that makes it seem so natural, autonomous is how I would describe it. I’ve set up a line. Fairly thick, or dense I guess. It’s 5:19 am right now. I’m going to do it. 

Fucking hell there was definitely a lot packed into that line. That was almost overwhelming. Surprised me, caught me off guard. I really want to go see her tomorrow, but that’s probably not going to happen. I have work, even though I’m considering calling in sick for right now to be honest, but also because she has so much to do and probably can’t afford to chill. Even still, studying would be fine. I like, just need to be with someone I can talk to, and for better or worse, that’s her.

5:25 am 

Why. Why do I still have that urge. Why does a part of me still want to do more. I don’t understand. Is this some sort of message being sent to me to tell me to just go kill myself? Do I not care anymore about anything but just haven’t realized it? Is this my subconscious telling me my true thoughts, my true emotions? What the hell is wrong with me. Is this just addiction? Honestly, I’d rather it be addiction then any of the things I listed, because at least that’s something that can be dealt with, but the other things…are things that I don’t want to have to go through. Although a part of me, for whatever fucked up reason does. A tiny part of me, a part that I don’t ever really pay attention to in general, and only do in moments like this, is the me from before, from when I diidn’t care, from when I didn’t mind dying, when I lost passion and motivation for everything. I don’t think I necessarily do now either to be honest, but it just doesn’t impact me as much, doesn’t have as much significance to me as it did before. I should really stop. But fuck why do I want to do more. Why can’t I just seem to stand up go to my bed go to sleep? Why can’t I listen to my common sense, my morals, and instead sit here and just continue to do something that I know I shouldn’t. It’s so frustrating, such a fucked up thing. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know if I can. I feel like the only way I can is if I do it all, but that’s so risky, so dangerous. I’ve already done an obscene amount. I need to stop. But a part of me keeps just telling me to “just do one more line” and I want to, I almost know that I will eventually listen to that voice, even thought I damn well know I shouldn’t. Should I call her? Ask for help. For anything. No, I shouldn’t. Especially not tonight if anything. The timing was unfortunate, but maybe it is this way for a reason. Everything happens for a reason after all. I almost came close just now to just set up a line, and not listen to any logic or morals. What the hell. I’m going to stop now and try to relax, don’t want to accidentally have a panic attack. I thought about writing a letter to her, talking about how I “truly” feel, or at least whatever I think the truth is. But I realized there’s no point. It would do nothing but just frustrate her. Make her feel even more uneasy with me. Man…fuck me. 

5:39 am

I set up one more more line. Reason being that I almost was able to stop with line I did before the one I’m about to now, so I feel like if I do just a little bit more, I’ll finally be able to stop. It’s an average size, maybe even slightly smaller. I’m very aware of the fact that this could very much kill me right now, but the grim part of it is that it doesn’t matter all that much to me, at least not at this moment. This feeling is different then the one I had before though, it’s not as death-based if that even makes sense, this time it’s just more of it doesn’t matter because it’s not important to me. Is this the same thing? The passive suicidal thing or whatever it was called? Maybe, probably. But it feels different then what I felt before. I don’t know why, and I don’t know if I ever admitted it in writing (writing down something makes it seem real, as opposed to just a thought), but I almost enjoyed feeling like that. Not sure why, maybe because I wanted attention, but I almost enjoyed it. Gave me some sort of fucked up purpose. 

5:43 am 

That paragraph either took a lot longer to write then I realized or I wrote the time wrong. Either ways, I’m going to do the line now. All my instincts are screaming not to too right now. Also it’s weird, but everytime, right before I’m about to do the line, I get the thought that I want to do more. It’s so fucked up. 

Alright it’s 2 minutes later right now, going to restart the song and do the line I think. Actually on second thought, I want to wait a bit, want to do it when the crowd sings, doing that earlier just felt so satisfying. 

5:47 am 

Just did the line. I think I’ll be able to decide to be done for tonight this time. I know, a part of me knows I need help. But I just don’t want too. Like…what do I do? Fuck, I still sort of have the urge. 

What do I do…What can I do even… 

5:52 am 

Fuck I feel like I’m going to do another line. I’m almost sure I will at this point. What the fuck. 

5:55 am 

I don’t have a reason for why I want to do more. There’s no real valid justification for doing coke to be honest. But, a part of just still wants too? Was it like this before? Did the urge become stronger or did my self control become weaker…. 

6:02 am 

I’m so fucking pathetic. I just set up another line. Decently sized too. Got I’m fucking weak. I’m going to talk to her about it tomorrow, going to hope it’s okay, in terms of hoping she’s okay, and in a mindset where she can listen. Because this is out of control now. I’m going to time it with the crowd again I think. Just should be a thing now. Wow lol, I’m talking as if there’s going to be more times….have I just already accepted it? I don’t know myself anymore, don’t know how I got here. Don’t know where I messed up along the way. 

6:06 am 

Going to do the line now.I’m sort of nervous, but it doesnt mean anything to me in a weird, fucked up sort of way. Fuck that one sort of stung. Also that bitter taste of coke just instantly hit me when I did the line. Holy fuck, it feels like I have a headrush but I don’t think it is a headrush. And I still sort of want to do more, fuck me. I’m going to turn off oall the lights for now, it’s getting early and I think my parents might be waking up soon. 

Going to leave one light on, all the lights off strained my eyes a little, I’ll turn it off when I hear an alarm go off or something.

6:11 am 

Just for future reference, I’ve done 25 lines so far. Fuck… Also, I didn’t realize how loud my keyboard is at night when it’s dead silent. Oh well, oops. Don’t think it bothers anyone tho, I doubt they can even hear it in the first place.

 6:17 am

I ended up looking at old pictures again, specifically ones of me before everything started going to shit. I know I shouldn’t, I should just go to sleep, but a part of me, weaker then before on the bright side, but nonetheless a part of me wants to do one more line before I hit my bed…fucking hell

6:30 am 

I can’t seem to find the will or have the will rather to stand up and go to my bed… 

6:38 am 

I keep having this thought that if I do just one more I’ll be able to walk away for the night, but it’s such a bad idea…I’m trying to decide/figure out what to do 

6:44 am 

I’m considering just finishing it all,,,,fuck, How did I get from I don’t think I want to do it to let’s kill it all. 

6:48 am 

Just set up a line. Going to do it. I had a feeling earlier that when I said I’m going to be so disappointed in myself or whatever if I finishe the bag today that it would happen, I’m like 70% sure at this point it will happen, I fucking jinxed it. 

6:56 am 

At this point, whether I admit it or not, I’ve more or less decided to just kill it all. That’s the only surefire way to end it. I just set up a line, fairly dense. Going to do it soon. 

6:58 am 

Just did it, fucked up a little cause I couldn’t see but it’s all good. The thought that I’m going to finish it all is strangely comforting. Puts me at peace. I don’t know if that’s good or bad…. 

7:08 am

 There was a bit more left then I thought. 2lines are set up, it’s the last of it all. I’m going to do one now. Fuck, that was a bit longer then the ones I normally do. 

7:18 am 

Time to do the last line. Finally. Man I never fucked up so hard while doing a line, I completely went all over the place. Time to led adele finish her song. 

 7:58 am

I'm finally in bed now. I should probably really try to sleep but I sort of want to just pull an all nighter. I don't have a reason, just sort of do. I think I'm going to ask her if I can see her tomorrow, even just for a little bit is fine. I feel like I need too. In terms of the withdrawal, I have a very slight headache, my right nostril is throbbing and burns every time I breathe in through it. My muscles, especially my biceps keep spasming, in the sense that they'll just stay flexed randomly for short periods of time. My bones ache. My throat is parched and probably inflamed. My eyes sting, but I'm pretty sure that's just from staring at a screen all night. Also, I'm abnormally hot, so I took my shirt off. I did a full gram. In roughly 6 hours I did a full fucking gram. Probably more, it definitely looked like more before I crushed it. Also, it was apparently pure, which I don't know how reliable that information is but it definitely felt different, felt more potent then the stuff I did before. I'm going to prevent myself from doing anymore for at least the next 2-3 months. That's the bare minimum. My body is probably already destroyed, and was fucking devastated by what just happened in the past 6 hours. I was right, once I finished it all I briefly had the thought that I want more but it quickly went away. I don't have that urge right now at all. Maybe it's because of the withdrawal, I don't know, but I'm just glad I don't have that urge anymore, so that I don't have to deal with that dilemma of either listening to my morals or my urges. Hell, I'd go out for a drive as soon as possible but I dont think I'd be physically able to, with the way my muscles are spasming and flexing randomly while at the same time feeling like I just went hard at the gym for my entire body. 

I don't know for sure what's going to happen to them, what the future holds. But I have a couple guesses, the most probable ones, at least to me, is that either she convinces or believes that what happened last night was just her stress talking, and continues to be the way she always has been, and then eventually he gets into waterloo. I don't know what'll happen after that for sure, I know that the most logical and the solution that seems most probable based on what I know is that he breaks up with her. But I can't help but have this feeling that he might not, that he might develop real feelings for her and want to stay with her. Either that, or she eventually realizes that she doesn't want this anymore, and ends things on her own. All 3 of them are more or less equal in terms of the chance of it happening, so I honestly don't know. If anything, tonight made it more complicated, since it added a third possibility that wasn't there before. A possibility that could very much disappear by today, based on how she feels and what she thinks about everything when she wakes up and is well rested. I can't help but wonder...is it wrong of me to continue to support her in the sense of helping and supporting her relationship with him? I mean, I'm only doing it because I know that with her, the only thing she wants are people that are supportive of her decisions no matter what and will be there for her. I mean, if I have to think about whether or not it's not right or wrong of me, does that already indicate that something is wrong? I'm doing for her what she wants. She's fully aware of everything, but she makes her decisions regardless because of her beliefs and faith in things. So that's why I think it's okay for me to continue supporting her like this. It's a thought that occurred to me just now, but I think I'm too good at lying for my own good. A lot of the things in life that I'm ashamed of or had negative implications were caused by my lying. That's especially the case with how I've been in terms of when I talk to either one of them about their relationship. I lie so much to them, about things both big and small. I feel like a lot of the time though it's justified, because it's better to lie then tell the truth, the better of two evils essentially. I just hope I'm not making the same mistake I did before. I don't think I am though...at least that's what I believe.