#thread 2 ft. julian hawthorne

[tannerkohli]

closed starter for @julianxhawthorne at the car reveal

A few months ago, Tanner would have said she was completely and utterly confident that she'd never step foot near a race car again. Though being at the car reveal wasn't the same as working with the cars, it was impossible not to feel the familiar bubble of excitement that always struck her when she was around racing in any capacity. For the most part she'd been off on her own, mixing and mingling with faces both familiar and new. Julian was busy with his own obligations and it wasn't until later into the afternoon that she found a moment alone with him. "You know, it goes against every fiber of my being to say this, but...this has been fucking cool, dude. Thanks for bringing me," she said, in a rare moment that her voice wasn't dripping with sarcasm. "It - I needed this, I guess. Or whatever. So, like, yeah. Thank you."

[tannerkohli]

Every word of what Julian said was true and Tanner knew that, but admitting it was a much harder thing. There was an immediate tension in her jaw, her gaze turning away from Julian as she let out a slow breath. "That's not - he's not like that," she countered, rather weakly, as she shifted uncomfortably. The harsh reality that Ian was exactly that kind of guy wasn't one that she wanted to dwell on. It was easier to blame herself than it was to blame Ian, since that was easier to understand. If she just couldn't do the job, that was something fixable. If the problem was deeper than that, she didn't know that there would ever be a chance at rebuilding the friendship that had spanned her entire life. Her lip lifted to another snarl as Julian kept talking, the bluntness of his words a much needed dose of reality. "You're kind of a dick, I hope you know that," she pointed out, some of tension bleeding out of her. The reality check was one that she'd needed and delivered in the only way that Tanner responded to. It wasn't based in emotion, it was to the point and exactly the facts. While she didn't know if she was ready to recommit to a team, to a driver, to all of it, she knew it was ultimately where she was at her happiest and she found her head nodding despite herself. "Alright. Yeah. I can sense your desperation, so I suppose I can do you the favor of considering it. Just stop begging me to work with you, it's a little embarrassing." Her lips twisted to an almost smile then before she shifted over to toss one arm around Julian in a quick hug, not vocalizing any of the gratefulness she felt, but showing it in the smallest way possible.

@julianxhawthorne

"That's bullshit," he said, plain and simple. "And you know it." His voice was firm but not unkind, his eyes locked onto hers. "Ian didn't fire you because you weren't capable. He fired you because he’s a coward who couldn't handle seeing someone he cared about going through hell. And instead of stepping up, he took the easy way out." He told her, definitely having been sitting on that opinion for a while. "That says a hell of a lot more about him than it does about you." He paused, letting the words sink in for a moment. "And as for why anyone else would hire you? Because you're still one of the best mechanics I’ve ever seen. Will you be a pit crew? No, not unless the problem goes away. But there's plenty you can still do behind the scenes. You've never been the type to roll over and let something keep you down, Tanner." He uttered, his voice lowering. "So don't start now. If you need me to put a good word in at the team I will, we lost our engineer so we could use a pretty head. But only if you want to." @tannerkohli

[tannerkohli]

Tanner was the type of personality that could easily be a turn off for a lot of people, so she fully expected even the people she was closest with to call her a pain in the ass. At the end of the day, it was true, and she knew it. "No chance, you're right there. The day I'm no longer a pain in your ass is the day you really have to worry," she pointed out. Which, in the months following her accident, she'd been nothing of the sort to any of the people in her life. She'd disappeared for a time before slowly reintegrating herself back into her social circles, even then a shadow of herself until her more recent move to Kismet. "Easier said than done, J," she sighed, wishing it were as simple as just figuring out what her new normal looked like. The struggle just to get back to walking had been one thing, but to try and start back working on cars at the level she was used to, that felt different. She was slower, less nimble, not as able to quickly jump in and fix things. Tanner would have never thought she'd be the type to let something completely cripple her confidence, but the accident had. The physical changes were tough, but coupling that with the mental toll it had all taken was something Tanner had never expected to struggle with. Staying silent for a moment, Tanner bit at her lower lip before letting her gaze move back to Julian. "Ian fired me, you know. The day after everything, he had the team principal fucking call and let me go. If my best friend doesn't even have the confidence to have me in his team, why would anyone else?"

@julianxhawthorne

Julian let out a soft chuckle at her attempt at a joke, but his eyes stayed steady on hers. "Tanner, you’ve been a pain in my ass since day one, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon." he teased, but his tone held an underlying warmth. He leaned forward slightly, no one else needing to overhear their conversation. "But a 'bum hip' doesn’t erase everything that makes you damn good at what you do. You’re still sharp, still capable; you just have to figure out what that looks like now." He let the words settle for a moment before tilting his head. "And yeah, I’d bet on you any day." he added with a small smirk. "Because I know you, and I know you’re not the type to let this be the thing that stops you." His expression softened just a little. "Missing it is one thing. Letting that stop you from finding a way back to it? That’s not you." @tannerkohli

[tannerkohli]

Tanner wished it were as easy as just hearing the words from Julian and believing them, but she couldn't. Not yet, at least. Lips pursing together, Tanner could feel her body language deflating a bit, head tilting towards her chest. "I mean, a bum hip could never stop me from being a pain in your ass," she tried to joke back, though there was a flatness to her voice that lacked the usual spunk that came with it. "But, it may keep me from being able to do the job and do it well." Her eyes flashed back up as he spoke again, his words mirroring some of the same things she'd said to him just a mere few weeks prior. "You sure you're that much of a betting man?" she asked with a smaller laugh, head shaking a bit before she glanced back his way. "You're not wrong, though. I won't lie and say that I don't miss this shit because I do. Every day."

@julianxhawthorne

Julian gave her shoulder a small squeeze, like they were passing some unspoken understanding between them. "You're not the same, yeah. But different doesn't mean worse. You're still you, the same pain in my ass that doesn't know when to quit." His smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. "And I'd bet on you any day of the week." Julian paused, just long enough for the weight of his words to settle, his knuckle brushing against her arm before he continued. "Even if you can't see it yet, I do. You had a glow up since the second you set foot in here. Can't deny that." @tannerkohli

[tannerkohli]

There was an audible groan that followed the teasing, Tanner shifting away from facing Julian for a moment with a flair of dramatics. "Stuff it, Hawthorne," she shot back, her words coming out more as a mumble. As much as she wanted to give him shit, as was her usual way of communicating, the moment of being there meant too much to just completely gloss over that fact. Her arm moved up when he bumped into her shoulder, hand resting on his shoulder for just a moment to give it a grateful squeeze. Tanner's head dropped then, eyes trained towards the ground as she let out a longer sigh. "Just because I want that to be true doesn't mean that it is, Jul," she said, teeth biting sharply into her bottom lip. "I'm not - physically it's just...different. Things are harder. I'm not as sharp as I used to be."

@julianxhawthorne

Julian arched a brow, amusement flickering across his face as he turned to Tanner. "Did you just admit you’re actually enjoying yourself?" he teased, crossing his arms as a slow smirk pulled at his lips. "Must be a big day if I’m hearing a genuine thank you come out of your mouth." But beneath the teasing, he got it. He saw the way she had been taking everything in—the way that old fire in her eyes had sparked back to life, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it yet. He nodded, bumping his shoulder lightly against hers. "Glad you came," he said, tone a little softer. "Figured you could use a reminder that this world still has a place for you, if you want it." He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, even though he knew it kind of was. @tannerkohli