#tiddytaco

[moveslikekeithrichards]

they give me a breathalyzer test & it reads 99.9% pollen

[moveslikekeithrichards]

today i learned that if you try to dm your friend a message beginning with an uppercase P but you didnt have the message box clicked & you hit shift+P tumblr will switch your theme, potentially to something very opposite, killing you instantly,

[moveslikekeithrichards]

remember in the deer hunter when meryl streep was like "i made him a sweater🥺" & then holds up this garment

[ID: Squidward wearing the sweater Spongebob made him, with an enormous stretched-out neck hole.]

[moveslikekeithrichards]

i love antique stores you go to check out & theyre like “where the hell did you get this”

[moveslikekeithrichards]

recipes will be like "prep time: 3 minutes" & the ingredience list is like "2 sweet potatoes peeled & diced" girlie they do not come like that

[moveslikekeithrichards]

gertrude

[ID: a picture of an old, grumpy-looking brown tabby cat gazing dead-eyed into the camera.]

[moveslikekeithrichards]

when i say “that reminds me” & theres zero connection you just have to take my word for it theres no time to explain

[moveslikekeithrichards]

having tortured ocs is so funny bc some of em im projecting personal issues onto & some of em im just like Fuck You. Random Chimp Event

[moveslikekeithrichards]

if im in the group chat going “this shit is sooo bad” you know im enjoying the movie & if im in the group chat going “idk its made well it definitely has some interesting elements its probably excellent if youre the target audience maybe if i watched it again id feel differently” you know im having the worst fucking time

[moveslikekeithrichards]

having a bathroom spider is so beautiful. like yes this is my friend Advil Two hes grown to the size of a crumb and he caught an ant today

[moveslikekeithrichards]

i love having friends with favorite colors & shit so i can just send them random crap like yess this is pink ill show it to the pink friend this has a fish ill show it to the fish friend. fish is a color btw

[moveslikekeithrichards]

[ID: a very simply drawn three panel comic. the first panel shows a person approaching a cat that's laying on the floor and reaching down to hug her, saying "gertie." the second panel shows two coins falling from the person's shirt pocket. the third panel shows the coins bouncing off the cat, who doesn't care.]

[moveslikekeithrichards]

in library. talkin about thanksgiving. librarian is asking the kids what they eat, trying to lead them towards thanksgiving food & its like pulling teeth. asking what they pour on mashed potatoes. one kid says Rocks. librarian is like “im thinking of something that starts with GR and its brown” and another kid raises her hand & im like ok this girls on top of everything shes got this. & she goes “gorilla sauce”

[moveslikekeithrichards]

phucking hate when you pick up a 3 hole punch & it cums everywhere. fuck off with your circles

[moveslikekeithrichards]

my mom doesnt like the word Piss bc its crass but the fact of the matter is that when our cat shoots a perfectly horizontal beam of urine hard as fuck straight over the top of the litter box she does not Pee. she Pisses