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benefits1986 · 2 years

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Road To 40 Days

Dear V, Today, I actually said your name out loud because you’re my OG when it comes to a very specific task that I’d be diving in very, very soon. I can imagine you saying, dali-dali lang niyan ihhh. Taradits. Then aya ka ng coffee and yosi then sabak na. I still can’t believe that this weekend is your 40th day on the other side. There goes a heavy sigh IRL followed by a pause. The past days have been a series of sleepless nights because my grandma is nearing her final deadline, so missing you a little extra today makes my already strained shoulders a tad knottier. However, I’d also want to let you know that I am happy that you chose your own version of peace. I salute you for going against what others think is an ultimate defeat. It’s not that I’m celebrating your last goodbye. It’s me hoping that there on the other side, you are beginning something new, and with my twisted yet idealistic inner self, I hope your new chapter is something worth YOUR while. V, the what if’s voices inside me have been tamed because I try my best to find distractions like dressing in neon and bright colors and prints plus donning larger bows than usual. Distractions also include trying to reach out more to people I’ve not been checking on. Funny how, I randomly send KAMUSTA DMs to some who have opened up to me about the demons they are trying to slay and dragons that are breathing down their necks. Got a really favorable batting average naman. You are teaching me that a little kindness even with my RBF on goes a long way. You allowed be me to open up a bit more and let my vulnerabilities come out in the open bit by bit. Speaking of random KAMUSTA, I don’t know how random this is but I had the most supposedly awkward answers to this tiny yet packed word. I am still super shaken but, thankfully, the person I said kamusta to needed kausap because life has been tough lately. I kidded around pa nga kasi intense na the sharings na baka I’m overstepping na kasi overshare x TMI na siya which I don’t mind at all. Category is: Diary Ni Tom Riddle. Natawa naman siya and told me that having someone to talk with during these crazy times (pre-dystopian tawag ko sa era na ‘to), is much needed and wanted. Syempre, para fair, sinagot ko rin namang curveball questions niya kahit alangan ako as a real introvert naman talaga, pero sige, fire away lang ako since major hassle era talaga, siya, V. I cannot. Nagtanong lang naman ako kung may PS5 siya because I really am on the verge of getting Hogwarts Legacy. LOL. Sabi ko pa nga, bili ako tapos laro siya tapos turuan ako how to maximize the whole HL experience a la Bandersnatch all scenarios, maxed out level para sa Holy Week break, matawid ko na. Or baka naman, tuloy ko na bili PS5 basta may kasama HL controller kaso ang panget ng design though lagi sold out and masisira lang buhay ko ‘pag may console na naghe-hello. :D Then we took a really deep dive on the timelines ng paganaps sa life niya now. In the end, para ‘di super bigat, sabi ko, whenever need kausap, I’m G lang always kahit delayed replies. Wait lang niya. V, you’re supposed to hit the Big 30 this summer. Loko ka talaga!!! Your very 90s tito jokes will forever be with me kahit asar na asar ako sa’yo na sometimes may bigwas pa lalo ‘pag unli whiskey nights tayo noon. The memes and searches you shared to me and to our core team live on kahit sobrang distracting lalo ‘pag may super tight deadlines tayo way back when we’re building our team. Looking back, the memes, the cringe jokes are your lambing to us, lalo na ‘pag full on sungit na ako or far worse, wala ako sa mood na naman. My every side-eye emoji to you IRL reminds and reassures me na deadlines lang yan, kaya natin ‘yan, so relak... relak.. relak lang. Yes, RELAK lang talaga is one of your signature one-worders. Can’t CTRL + ALT + DEL na ‘yan. Core memory ko na this.

V, we’ve been like siblings na for a decade or so, and it’s only when I backread our far and few Viber messages (because Viber is lifer sabi mo e), I felt that I am one of your trusted few. Thank you for reaching out and updating me kahit seen kita pero nagrereply naman ako ‘di ba? I still stand by what I told you the last time you shared na AYAW MO NA. Deep inside, you are but a sentimental man who has a pure heart and being, puro memes nga lang. And even when you chose your own way out, I still stand by this. Walang nabago. Mas masakit na bigwas ka lang sa akin ‘pag may other side nga talaga. Humanda ka. Sana lang when you viewed my stories on that weekend, nag-send ka ng meme sa akin. Sana, nag-forward ka ng suspicious link para na-agit mo ako then nagkamustahan tayo. Sana... is never enough. Never ever. Never again will I hear your very Home Along Da Riles snickers in the midst of the sunog, the kalat and highway to hell moments sa paligid. Most importantly, your existence and your grand exit in 4D slapped me so hard on the head and heart with a single irrefutable bias I’ll carry in this lifetime --a well-lived life is never short-lived. Will listen to your PL kahit ‘di super curated, too, in days and nights like this one, when I miss you a little more than I want to. To red velvet barfs, old soul guitar riffs and more whiskey, B

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