#to be fair Dan Harmon was my main tutor

[flowerandthesongstress]

Recently someone told me that it must be ‘so hard [writing stories in a secondary language]’ and I burst into tears. Of gratitude. 

Not that I don’t value compliments and assurances, but sometimes all I want is for someone to understand and acknowledge how hard it is. 

I write with several dictionaries open. More often than not, I ponder over short phrases for hours not because I don’t know how to express a thing, but because I don’t know how to translate a thing. It’s there, in my head, expressed and formed, and yet I struggle to write it down. I know thousands of idioms and proverbs, they’re always at the ready, but there’s a stretch of time between remembering one and actually using it; time spent on forums, reading up, asking, in order to make sure that there’s a corresponding one in English that does not have any other nuances or hidden meanings. I hear that something is a dead metaphor in English — yet it’s a combination of new and exciting words to me. Oops. I like a word and start using it extensively — then accidentally learn that it’s a no-no or, for instance, a filler word. Oops! I had been writing for years before switching languages, I had a style already formed and cemented. I had the cultural context and an audience. Favorite expressions, jokes, mannerisms, etc. And then ... Then I had to start all over. Items gone, levels gone; look at this dork in the starting zone, with a wooden sword and a flimsy chain shirt pulled off a dead paladin, and being pummeled by a kobold. 

Paired with my brokey brain (who the heck promoted dysfunction to executive?!) it’s hard. Aside from a few initial lessons, I had no teachers but the internet. 

I often see praises directed at people who do this, praises in the vein of ‘whenever I see a fanfic preceded by words ‘sorry not my native language’ I know that it’s gonna be superb’. Again, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with compliments, it’s just— I always feel an urge to inquire of the native speaker who offers this compliment: you do understand why, though, right? And why they’re apologizing, why that faux-warning is there? Because of perpetual doubt; it’s nearly impossible to assess yourself in a secondary language. Because of fear and shame; ‘they will notice each bump, and I notice none’ and ‘they all probably speak it so much better than I do’. And because of perfectionism; brought on, in part and sometimes subconsciously, by what could be called the immigrant effect — ‘my otherness means that I have to work twice as hard’. Compliments are awesome. Assuring a person that they have nothing to be worried about? Awesome. 

Saying ‘holy forking shirtballs, that must be hard as heck’, though? God tier validation. Makes a person feel so heard and seen.

Of course I’m not complaining; it was my own choice. Moreover, choosing English over a ‘native’ 🤮 language that was forcibly imposed on me and has nothing to do with my ethnicity, culture, and upbringing, was an act of defiance on my part. Whatever anyone would say, however anyone would mock me for ‘trading an imperialist for an imperialist’ (not my words), I’m proud of myself for doing this. It’s like healing from an abusive relationship, step by tiny step (but healing is hard). I will always choose to see the positive side of English, to only perceive it as a unifying factor that brings people together. What Esperanto should have been. Kaj jes, jes, kompreneble I would have wanted Esperanto to win instead 😁but the world doesn’t work like that, alas. 

Either way, no, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Just saying that it’s really really friggin’ hard, and it’s very very very nice to have the hard acknowledged. 

And hey, you. Yes, you, the person writing in a secondary language. I understand how you feel. I know how hard it is. I understand your fear and pain and doubt. You’re awesome and you’re a fighter.