#tonight was honestly really fun ngl. i did a lot of writing. made some stupid decisions. all nighters always feel so long but i love that

[krisgoatpher]

stayed up all night and now im not tired im just hungry

[nct-lian]

relationships outside of sm

JENNIE + LIAN: JENLI

so iconic omg like how they do it, i have no idea

they hang out all the time and lian is literally ALWAYS on jennie’s instagram

the two of them once had an instagram story conversation over pigtails

like,, jennie posted a picture of lian’s pigtails for that one bicycle performance on her story and captioned it “pigtail baby” and then lian reposted it on her own story with a picture of jennie’s pigtails, captioning it “pigtail eomma”

speaking of eomma, jennie is genuinely her mother

jennie takes her shopping all the time

and in return, lian buys her food

the interactions these two used to have at award shows were SO CUTE

everyone remembers when jennie pretty much yelled out lian’s name and she just came running over to the members of blackpink after taeyong let her leave :(

i’m crying just thinking about it help

jennie also posted a full on instagram post for lian on her birthday and had such a sweet caption with it

it was something like “my daughter is finally 21 today! i hope she has an amazing day and i can’t wait to see her later tonight to give her a gift :) haneullie, lots of love from jennie eomma”

SPEAKING OF THE GIFT,, jennie bought her a whole ass $9000 necklace from chanel because she knew that lian was looking for more

IM IN TEARS AND SO ARE YOU ADMIT IT RN

jenli kpop bestest duo

dispatch once thought jennie was on a date with a girl but it turned out to just be her walking lian home after going shopping with her so they never posted anything about it

they were embarrassed they got something wrong so i get it

omfg when news came out that lian and jinwoo broke up mama jennie was threatening to punch the shit out of him

KEVIN + LIAN: LIMOON

what i’ve been waiting to write for so long okay here we go

so mf chaotic like there are compilations made of these two that scream “go crazy go stupid”

their time as guest mc’s for inkigayo was probably some of the best kpop content we’d gotten in a long ass time

KEVIN IS CAUTIOUS WHEN LETTING HER MEET HIS MEMBERS

cause she’s such a good friend to him and wtf why would he wanna share

“mine mine mine mine” constant dory vibes 24/7

lian thrives off of calling him by his korean name because she knows it annoys him

he’s constantly teasing her for having bagged milk in toronto so he deserves it

the one time lian and jacob talked to each other they seemed to be getting along too much for kevin’s liking so he really went:

“okay lian isn’t it time for you to go” because he WAS GETTING JEALOUSJCLSJX

their styles are pretty much complete opposites and everytime they take pictures together kevin never forgets to mention how off it all looks

“tf is that why are your clothes so boring”

“okay sNaKe pAnTs” because of that one eric moment on kpop daebak show where he said kevin had pants with snakes on them

ALSO BTW LIANS CLOTHES ARENT FUCKING BORING SHES JUST FANCY LIKE THAT

i’m getting heated let me calm down.

they normally speak in english to each other but since lian seems to be stuttering over her words when she isn’t speaking korean, he mixes in a few korean phrases every now and then to help her out

kevin is arguably the most hype every single time lian performs, like he really thinks there isn’t anything better

LIAN MAKES SURE TO UPDATE HER INSTAGRAM STORY WHENEVER TBZ HAVE A COMEBACK SO NCTZENS GO SUPPORT THEM

LIA + LIAN: LILIA

more lian x the canadian line WOOHOO

lia spent her trainee days really looking up to lian and she’s even mentioned before that she’d love for itzy to get the chance to collab with her for a song

she really has her fingers crossed for that btw

they actually met during an award show when ryujin, chaeryeong and yuna all had to leave because it was past curfew

lian decided to sit next to them and during all the intermissions between performances she, lia and yeji conversed to pass time

they ended up growing a friendship together but lian has a stronger bond with lia

she loves all the girls either way but yk

lia and lian love going to cafes together and taking adorable pictures :(

like whenever lia posts on itzy’s instagram midzeys don’t exactly know whether or not lian would be on it too :0

like lian normally posts all the scenery pictures she gets to keep her instagram pleasing whereas lia posts the pictures the two of them take together

my heart </3

lian treats lia like a whole daughter because it isn’t often she finds girls that are younger than her

*screams in the fact that majority of sm’s female artists are all from 2015 and under*

like when i say lian SPOILS her i’m not joking

she will randomly call lia up like:

“hey i’m gonna get you out of that dungeon, come get some chicken with me”

and then they’ll just hang out together

but only if lian is out of the dungeon herself because wbk she ain’t treated very well </3

EUNWOO + LIAN: WOOLI

their chemistry is fucking insane holy shit

like their acting for past to present was seriously so praised, netizens found it hard to believe it was all just for the show

dating rumours follow these two everywhere,, like everywhere

it’s one of the most popular ships inside ncity when it comes to lian and other idols

i kid you not one tweet said “chanhyeok treated jihye so well in past to present, i’m only wondering how well eunwoo would treat lian 👀”

LIKE STOP PUTTING IDEAS INTO PEOPLES HEADS YOURE KILING ME HERE ISTG

but yeah they do look really good together

and they’re an amazing pair for acting

when eunwoo started working with inyeop for true beauty, he said:

“hyung’s dating my girlfriend” because of the fact that both of them have acted with lian and BOTH of them dated her in the dramas

what a coincidence though

we all cried when we saw chanhyeok and jihye kiss for the first time DONT LIE

EUNWOO FOLLOWS HER ON INSTAGRAM

and they wished each other happy birthday on their instagram stories

there’s actually people who like to think that they dated while filming for past to present andddd they radiate big delulu vibes

like you know liskook shippers? wooli shipped are kinda the same, but not as intense (thank god)

BUT CAN WE BLAME THEM LIKE THEIR CHEMISTRY? THE WAY THEY TALKED TO EACH OTHER? PLEASE

they took a lot of cute pictures together behind the scenes (ノ﹏ヽ)

MOMO + LIAN: LIMO

DANCER DUO DANCER DUO

this ship isn’t actually as popular as we would like it to be, but nonetheless people love limo

a lot of interactions during award shows !!

like for example momo’s fancams always captured her dancing perfectly to lian’s choreo

and lian smiling in momo’s direction

i love them

when lian found out about heechul and momo’s relationship, she asked momo if she was her mom now because of how much of a father figure she considers heechul to be JDFJK

“i mean sure”

they’ve actually done a vlive together before (ᗒᗨᗕ)

it was when lian visited her at the twice dorms and they ended up getting bored so they decided to do a vlive in the living room

THEY PLAYED DARE OR DARE AND LIAN HAD TO DO THE TEARS CHALLENGE (so chan whee) ON MOMOS KARAOKE MACHINE

her throat was dry for the rest of the night

after seeing momo’s hair for the i can’t stop me era, lian actually wanted to cut it like that

but she decided against it because she loves her long hair too much

the two of them met on hit the stage where they competed against each other in a freestyle dance battle

after that they just started casually talking over the phone and became great friends

with the way momo talks about lian, you’d think they’re dating-

“oh, lian- she’s so pretty! i love her a lot!”

and the same goes for lian, she loves talking about momo’s dancing skills

JACKSON + LIAN: JACKLIAN

her dad :/

adopted her with amber liu like a year ago so now she’s just his daughter

supports each other like crazy not even joking

jackson promotes her on instagram and twitter 24/7

THEY HAVE SO MANY INTERACTIONS THANK GOD

lian was once given a ridiculously short dress while attending an award show and jackson gave her his jacket to wear over her legs because she wasn’t provided a blanket :(

(keep in mind, she went there without the members!)

lian added all his music to her playlist :)

once got drunk together and spent like three hours doing karaoke but it’s okay cause it was fun

speaking of getting drunk, jackson’s the cool dad that lets her do whatever she wants

he has his protective moments where he’s like “ma’am where are you going on that short of a dress” but he’s also like “hey wanna go get chicken and soju”

they both appeared on a radio show together as guests and they ruined the whole broadcast because they were too loud

like they kept getting out of their seats to go wave at all the fans outside the window and they were just fighting back and forth about whether or not lian’s extensions look real

according to jackson, they’re “NOT AUTHENTIC ENOUGH- LOVE YOUR HAIR FOR WHAT IT IS, LIANNA HANEUL BAE.” lian’s hair lives matter :/

PLSSS WHEN HYOSEOP AND LIAN STARTED DATING- no

jackson was so proud that his good friend was smooching his other good friend but the protective dad instincts really kicked in

“break her heart and you die no cap”

was surprisingly chill when they broke up though, he was just glad lian didn’t cry

SUNMI + LIAN: SUNLI

SUNMI IS HER MOM OHMYGOD

so many interactions

honestly took lian under wing once she debuted as a soloist

female kpop soloists gotta have each other’s backs in this industry man :(

sunmi calls lian her princess SOBS

lian always hugs sunmi at award shows, like if they’re sitting close together

or if they’re standing next to each other on stage

you bet your ass lian is gripping onto sunmi for dear life

did a photoshoot together for marie claire korea

they’re so hot bro

BUT THEY FIRST MET ON WEEKLY IDOL NOT LONG AFTER LIAN DEBUTED AS A SOLOIST

they were kinda awkward ngl uh

but by the end of it they were besties :DD

and they’ve been besties ever since

lian is the ceo of doing dance covers for sunmi’s songs

cmon lian we’re waiting for tail 👀

sunmi has actually met lian’s grandma </3

like her and lian were hanging out at the dorms while the boys were out on a schedule and her grandma just randomly showed up with homemade food so that was definitely a win

BANG CHAN + LIAN: LICHAN

they’ve been friends for a LOOONGGG time

and chain’s known her since dating back to like, smrookies era when lian was still a red velvet member

like at that time she had no idea he existed, but he was keeping up with her daily :(

chan plays her music on vlives all the time and he always knows the dance moves

like he just dances along in his chair and mumbles the lyrics

we love to see it

a lot of fans ship them together

SURPRISE SURPRSIE AH

only because chan gives off big pining energy

lian only looks at him like “:D” whereas he looks at her like “♡•♡”

kinda sad but

lian promotes him on live so often HVKSVU

“my friend chan is coming back with his group soon, you should check it out! :)”

and the way she just says “my friend chan” LIKE ITS SO OBVIOUSLY A FRIENDZONE BUT HE THINKS ITS ADORABLE

he once got a comment on a vlive to react to lian moments, obviously complying because who wouldn’t

there was this one clip of her saying “my friend chan from stay kids!” and whoever edited the compilation added in squishy noises right after while zooming in on her face

AND CHAN BLUSHED SO HARD NOO

“oh- hahaha, uhh, she’s so cute aw hahahah”

ASHLEY + LIAN: ASHLI

oh god not another lian x mom ship

ASHLEY LOVES LIAN WOAH

like she’s submitted lian’s resume to bm so many times so they could be part of the big tiddie committee together

ashley is constantly, and i mean constantly, reposting all of lian’s posts on her story with captions like “LOOK AT HER GO”

and lian has even discovered all the cool instagram filters because of ashley, and now we get the quality content from her that WE DESERVEEEEE

back when lian’s album came out, all ashley’s story really was was just screenshots of her streaming all the songs and calling them bops

when they first met in person after texting back in forth, ashley spammed her instagram story with pictures of lian that she took without her looking

these two radiate a lot of “YES GIRL WORKKK ITTT TURN THIS WAY OKAYYY POSE POSE POSE” energy

lian’s been featured in one of ashley’s youtube videos and it was when they met for the first time :)

they exchange a lot of gifts through the mail

like lian once found a mug when shopping with doyoung and she thought that it would fit ashley’s taste so she sent it to her apartment

and ever since then they just send random little gifts to each other’s houses

it’s so cute

MATCHING BUCKET HATS THEY HAVE MATCHING BUCKET HATS !!!!!!

ashley talks about lian all the time

she always says that for someone so young, she’s accomplished a lot and she’s really proud of her

they wanna do tiktoks with each other but they never have the time </3

lian spam comments on ashley’s instagram like “WOAH” “OKAYYYY” “YESYESYES”

[rairaidango]

SEEDS THAT GROW - Tobisaku, Madasaku, Ita(masaku)

CHAPTER 2 - BEST FRIENDS

1

First chapter garnered more attention than I had expected it to ngl! But it felt nice to know ppl like wtv im trying out here. Here is chapter 2! Just a reminder I’m not a creative writer (nor do I write well at all lol). This is just fun for me and allows me to focus on something new during quarantine :) It’s pr slowburn but focuses on a lot of Sakura’s thoughts and feelings. (and her amazing friendship with Ino) 

TW : mentions of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, etc

“Yeah I’ve definitely seen you at the club before!” Itama pointed at her, mouth wide open in a boyish smile.

There was no way this Itama boy was that boy. Was there? 

Sakura’s eyes were eagle wide but she quickly shook it off with an awkward laugh. She really couldn’t be sure if it was him, but maybe it was? There really was a possibility. 

“Ah, you know maybe! I can’t recall if I have seen you on a night out though.” she tried to calm her nerves down with even more awkward laughter, but she caught Itachi’s eyes. He could see she was a little uncomfortable.

“Maybe you were like really drunk or something but I’ve definitely seen you-”

“Itama, you’ve seen everyone at the club.” Itachi rescued her. She gave Itachi a silent look of thanks. He only nodded in reply. “And you know, you talk too much man.” He slapped the Itama boy on the back.

“Was just trying to be friendly!”

“More like annoying. Why are we friends again?” Shisui tapped his finger on his chin comedically before laughing and receiving punches. 

The boys were strangers to her, with maybe the exception of Itachi, but she barely ever spoke to anyone outside of her girl group. She never allowed herself to talk to guys casually, and there was a reason for that as stupid as some people felt about it- but it made sense to her at the time and she feared getting close to people.

So this, this, this was nice. And this was a good thing, a casual conversation with friendly guys. She smiled at the thought, because she missed the times when she had close male friends. 

“Alright, everyone’s here according to the attendance list.” Madara announced whilst shuffling the papers in his hand. He pointed to the board making sure to point out the layout of the plans for tomorrow. “The introductory session is tomorrow and we’ve all assigned you to specific roles. We have a large group of eager college students who want to learn more about the wondrous world of medicine and medical practices. If you look at the board you’ll see about 5 groups, each group having 10 students. And two of you will essentially be leading each group and bring them around our campus, then the facilities in our building. This tour will all happen after the presentation that I and Izuna will prepare. Lecture hall 2 alright. You should ALL be there before students arrive. Is that clear?” 

The many student volunteers nodded. 

“Do we have to do anything before the talk?” Itama raised his hand and spoke. 

“Usher in and organise the students coming into the hall. Just make sure everything’s done in an orderly fashion. Knowing you Itama...please do this and work with Itachi.” 

Madara knew Itama? Sakura quirked her brow glancing ever so slightly at the boy with the badly done highlights. She wondered what relationship they had for Madara to speak so casually of him. 

“Will this be sent to us through email?”

“Of course, you’ll receive the plans, groups, layout and even the presentation when you leave the union. We professors aren’t stupid enough to think any of you, or one of you, could remember this stuff.” A playful smirk plastered on Madara’s face was all it took for Sakura to understand that he was probably only referring to Itama. “Alright 3.30pm tomorrow. Go home and get some rest.”

Who were they to each other?

“You know, I get why nii-san finds your uncle annoying and doesn’t like him very much.” Itama grumbled. 

“Eh well to be honest, I get your brother.” Shisui shrugged in response. “Madara likes Itachi though, because he’s a ‘prodigy’.” Itachi only smiled at the mention of his name.“He’s your professor right uh-sorry what’s your name?” 

“Ah yeah he is.” a pause. “Uh my name is Sakura. And he’s really a good teacher though.” She got up from her seat and caught sight of the mentioned professor turning off the projector. 

And then she realised he was looking right back at her with a piercing red gaze. Embarrassment rose in her and her cheeks felt hot; she looked away as quickly as she noticed his gaze and covered her face from him. 

What was that reaction?

“Sakura? I bet you hear how fitting that is.” Shisui snorted. She noticed Itachi was giving her some sort of look, but she couldn’t really figure it out. 

Ah shit, he knows. 

“Yeah, but you don’t have him constantly picking on you in class and after class and outside of university.” 

“Outside of university?” Sakura questioned. 

“Yeah, he’s just close to my family. Don’t really understand how or why.” Itama says hands stretched up in the air. 

“Don’t know why we’re close to you.” Itachi teased coolly, earning him an annoyed look from Itama. 

“Yo, anyone wants some bubble tea. Kokoro Kafe?” Shisui and Itachi grabbed their bags and headed towards the door. “I could do with some milk tea.”

“My sweet tooth and I agree. Sakura?” Sakura looked at the boys in front her. Were they really inviting her to go out and eat? Her? 

It was a good thing, they were nice people, and where was the harm in getting to know them?

But Sakura couldn't accept this.

“It’s alright, thank you though. I really do appreciate the invite. I’m just going to go back home and eat.” She smiled, eyes closed. “It was really nice meeting you three though.” She waved, and the boys all waved back and left the union. 

She sighed.

Outside, it was getting dark. The blue paint of the sky was darkening to a violet tone dashed with white specks of clouds. The yellow street lights only added to the magical transition of day to evening. It was quiet - but not eerily so, soft fading chatter of students echoed around the campus and the sounds of distant birds were sung in the air. 

Sakura breathed in, taking in the moment. She was sitting down on the cold stone steps in front of the union. She rarely ever looked at the scenery around her, but when she did, it helped her feel a little bit more at peace. It helped her feel a little bit more alive.

“Sakura?”

“Sir, you haven’t left?” a sudden bubble of anxiety exploding in her.

“I am now. Are you alright?” He asked. She wasn’t sure if he was asking just to be nice or if he genuinely was concerned. 

He probably didn’t care, he just had to ask as her teacher. Realistically speaking, why would anyone really care anyways. She was pretty burdensome and didn’t deserve to be worried about by even her closest friends. 

“Yeah, I’m fine!” She smiled, her smile feigning genuine happiness.

“Alright then.” He passed her a...cookie? “Just making sure. Get home safe, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pointed at her, his expression asking her for confirmation. She just nodded in reply with the same smile.

His figure grew smaller as he walked away and into the parking area, and her stomach felt even more uncomfortable now that she was alone. But she wanted to be alone, so she really couldn’t complain about the discomfort. 

Also, what the fuck? A cookie?

--

“I kind of wanted to ask for her number…” 

“Then you should have before we left.” Shisui sipped his Chatime drink. “But then again, maybe you scared her off with all that eagerness.” 

“I don’t think I came off too forward.” Itama stated questioningly, and looked to Itachi for an answer.

“I mean...when you mentioned the club..she did look a bit uncomfortable.” Itachi pointed out. Itama pouted slightly. “Maybe next time. You need to be able to read people better if you wanna find someone.” Shisui only laughed. All of the boys, including Itama himself, knew that it was hard for the boy to date. “Not your fault though, cheer up.”

“I was a bit nervous.” Itama said, taking a sip of his green tea latte with a nervous smile.”I’m sure I’ve seen her at Kyo, but only in passing maybe, once or twice. Pretty sure we never talked before.” he sunk into the chair. Itachi just stared at his friend’s disappointed features. “I would’ve remembered.”

“You’re so upset, awh!” Shisui teased.

“She was just really pretty, you know?”

--

In their house it was always quite lively; everyone was cooking and getting dinner ready before communing in the living room area to gossip and talk about their day. Hinata and Ino were undoubtedly the best cooks of the house, while Sakura and TenTen were often the ones buying readymade food. 

Tonight however, Sakura’s fridge was almost empty and all she could really make was some good old penne pasta with ready done tomato sauce. She wasn’t upset about the option, but it was about the fourth time in a row now that she’s had to eat pasta for dinner. 

Ino came into the living room - bouncing happily as her usually gleeful self- with an amazing katsu curry dish she had whipped up. The curry flavours lit up the whole room in salivating awe. 

“Yes, all of you can have some too. I made a lot.” She grinned with a certain kind of confidence only the Yamanakas had. Taking a seat on the floor between Sakura and Tenten, Ino dug into her delicious dish.

“Honestly I’d marry you just for your food.” Sakura hummed after taking a spoon of her curry. 

“JUST for my food?”

“Let me correct myself.” Sakura rubbed her chin in a joking manner. “Because I love you.” Sakura hugged her best friend, and everyone erupted with laughter. 

“Ino would be an annoying wife though, think about it.” Temari piped in. “All that nagging and having to do everything her way blah blah.” 

“Well, Shikamaru seems to be completely fine with Ino.” Tenten winked and gave a sly look to her long haired blonde friend. 

“Oh shut up, we aren’t a thing. We’re just hooking up here and there and we enjoy each other’s company.” 

“Well I bet 50 that they’ll end up together!” Ino shot a look at Tenten.

“Honestly I’d be happy if you guys date Pig, you’ve known each other for a while and he is actually a nice person.” Sakura thought of them dating, and she had always rooted for them to eventually end up together. Ino furrowed he brows. 

“Maybe Ino just wants to just leave it as it is?” Hinata, usually just an observer, added. “I’m happy you’re having fun though!”

“Okay enough about me guys. My love life is always a hot topic but it gets tiresome when-” Ino flipped her hair back dramatically, “-its always about me” she grinned and sat prettily. 

“Yeah oh my god Hinata how are you and Naruto!” Tenten squealed like a little 15 year old girl. Hinata blushed at the question, she was usually more reserved when talking about her personal life.

But Sakura could feel a tightness in her chest at hearing that name. 

Hinata noticed this, and smiled softly. 

“We’re doing really good. It’s been about 2 months and he’s already met my family.” Hinata made sure to keep it short for her pink haired friend. She knew there was a lot to unpack there and hadn’t expected Tenten to carelessly bring that name about. 

“Awh, you guys are honestly so cute. It makes me happy knowing that 2 of us here are having good and fun love lives.” Tenten sighed as she slid next to Temari. 

“Let’s not talk about me though!” Hinata waves her hands off nervously. “My relationship isn’t very interesting, we all know about it!” She glanced at Sakura, who was fumbling with her fork and pasta. Ino noticed it too and caught on to redirect the conversation. 

“Sakura! So, found that mystery hot makeout session boy in Kyo yet?” Ino grinned nudging her best friend.

“Ah?” Sakura woke up from a trance. 

Fuck. She didn’t like falling in and out of conversation and her thoughts like this. It was really tiring and disorienting. 

“Kyo guy!” Tenten giggled back.

“Oh you know what, maybe? I met this guy today and he said he recognised me-”

“What?! You’re only saying this now?? Bitch the fuck!!” Ino’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped to the floor. 

“What’s his name?” Temari asked amidst all the shocked faces.

“Well uh..I met 3 guys. The guy who I think could be the one I met at Kyo is Itama. Then I met Sasuke’s brother and another Uchiha. Shisui if I remember right.” Sakura remembered. They were all really friendly guys.

“Was it at that meeting today?” Ino asked.

“Yeah, Madara knows like all three of them personally. Madara’s Itachi’s uncle. And I think Madara also knows Itama’s family? Or something? Honestly I’m not sure.” It was confusing to be fair. 

“Even I’ve never met the famous Itachi…” Ino muttered. “So, Itama was it?”

“Yeah. He’s got like brown hair with silver highlights and it’s not done well I can tell you that.” Sakura scoffed. “He said he recognised me because he’s seen me in the club.”

“Ah but everyone here goes to all the clubs. Your pink hair sticks out so he probably just remembered that.” Temari waved her hand and looked at Sakura before smirking. “Was he cute though?” 

“I mean..he was actually pretty cute...in a boyish charming kinda way.” All the girls had wide smiles on their faces.

“Will Sakura finally find the one?!” Ino shrieked.

“Is this Kyo club makeout boy?!” Tenten added.

“Will Sakura go on dates again?!” Temari furthered the questioning.

“Stay tuned to find out!” Hinata closed the statements clapping her hands together. It was followed by her kind smile and all the girls laughing- the atmosphere was light and warm between them. The girls, all 5 of them, shared a strong bond. 

Sakura smiled at their jokes, but she also knew they genuinely wanted her to be happy. All of them understood how hard it was for Sakura to engage in meaningful conversations with boys; her anxiety and defenses would instantly go up if a boy approached her on campus. Which was why they were all so interested in ‘Kyo club makeout boy’ who Sakura -though very drunk and out of it -chose to instigate a hot kissing battle with. 

However happy they were for her -and she was appreciative of this, don’t mistake that - it was hard to see herself dating again. It was a scary thing to think about, even though deep down she wanted to fall in love, again. She missed being in love, and the last time she was - she was unlucky. 

--

There was a knock at Sakura’s door. 

“Just come in!” Sakura yelled from her desk spilling with notes from lectures. The door opened revealing Ino in her flowery satin nightdress. 

“Almost done?” The blonde sat on Sakura’s double bed that was messily covered in her grey covers detailed with white and pink sakura trees. Looking at Sakura - who was dressed in her oversized Neck deep tee - Ino could see she was stressed; but this was often how Sakura looked. It worried Ino.

“Yeah - I’ll get to bed soon.” Sakura muttered, completely focused on her assignment. Scribbling away, her desk lamp was bright and boring into her papers and laptop screen; her jade eyes were tired and her eyelids weighed heavy. She sighed. She wasn’t taking care of herself with all of these late nights. 

She was tired of feeling this way.

“Do you need me to stay? Ino asked. “I can’t really sleep either... I’m just feeling a little off as well.” Sakura turned to look at her, not sure what she was saying.

“Yeah..of course. What’s..wrong?” Sakura asked, turning around from her work. Ino shuffled uncomfortably and crossed her legs on the bed. Had Sakura been so caught up in her own head that she completely ignored her best friend? Was Ino hiding it well or was Sakura that selfish?

“The whole talk earlier about Shikamaru...it just made me uncomfortable.” Ino paused. Sakura had completely forgotten and internally facepalmed herself. “I don’t like him that way. And you know how I feel about relationships.” The issue here was that Ino didn’t want to settle down, and Sakura would often bring up relationships to Ino - about how Ino should get in a relationship. Sakura knew that her friend was a strong and confident person, but had taken that for advantage and pressed on Ino’s insecurities.

“Fuck I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have projected my own wants of being in a relationship onto you..” Sakura muttered, guilt strung in her words. Her head was swirling and she felt horrible. Why was she such a bad friend? People always had to support her, people always had to help her, and she couldn’t even keep her own mouth shut. Why was Sakura such a fucking shit friend- and to Ino who had been there for her every step of the way. 

“No it’s okay, I just felt weird talking about it and I know I won’t date him. I just don’t want to get into a relationship.” Sakura’s eyes were heavy with exhaustion, but her head was heavy with guilt. “Hey, honestly don’t feel too bad about it at all. I came to also just sit with you. I knew you were uncomfortable too.”

Ino could pick up on Sakura’s discomfort, and Sakura couldn’t even do the same for her friend. She didn’t deserve Ino. 

“Yeah. The whole Naruto thing kinda just made me space out.” Sakura ducked her head as she moved to sit next to her best friend. “It’s just...it hurts to think about it sometimes.”

“You know, I think if you tried to talk to him now he would be all for it. You know how much he cares about you. Heck he loves you as much as I do.” Ino’s head fell into Sakura’s neck to remind her that she wasn’t alone. 

“Maybe one day I can. When I’m better.” Sakura muttered, wanting to believe it could happen. She wanted it to, but somewhere inside, she didn’t want it to. 

“Well, when you’re feeling good, or bad, and on your best and worst days I’m here for you okay?” Ino smiled reassuringly. 

“I know.” Sakura smiled in response. “I...I also emailed welfare for a session…its in 2 days” Ino jumped up and looked at her friend. 

“You did?” Sakura nodded smiling. “I’m so proud of you! That’s a really big step! I can’t wait” Sakura was met with a loving hug and giggled in response. “I am so proud of you. I’m coming with you okay?”

“You don’t have to-”

“I am.” 

Sakura thanked Ino. That night, Ino slept on Sakura’s bed to make sure Sakura slept alright and that she would feel at ease falling asleep. Ino missed being at peace with her best friend, and she just wanted the best for Sakura. 

There were no other two best friends like those two. 

--

She doesn’t even know why she’s here at this point. Why did she volunteer to do this? 

Sakura groaned internally, her back against the wall. She was standing in the hall filled with college students, and she was lined up on the sides of the hall with other volunteers. She slept pretty late last night, but she was glad she managed to get sleep anyway. The anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts always snuck their way into her head when she wanted to find peace in slumber; but she felt like she deserved it anyways.

It was just exhausting. 

“Oh I think he’s finally about to end his speech.” Shisui spoke. 

“Finally.” Itama yawned. “We gotta gather the students and call the groups after this.” Itama looked at Sakura, expecting an answer from his group partner. She was looking at Izuna presenting, but her mind seemed elsewhere. 

“Honestly, Madara talks a lot, but Izuna can go on forever. At least Madara is able to get straight to the bush rather than beat around it.” Shisui huffed. “Don’t know how Sasuke and you dealt with uncle Izuna over summer.”

Sakura woke up. Sasuke?

Itachi noticed.

“We were fine. It wasn’t hard.” Itachi shrugged his shoulders.

“And now your tour shall start. The volunteers will bring you around campus and the facilities - they’ll call you by name so when they do please stand up and come on stage.” Izuna closed signalling a thumbs up. 

“Aight, that's our cue Sakura.” Itama nudged her with a grin. 

He had such a boyish grin, Sakura thought. 

“Lets round up the kids.” She joked, a more confident part of her showing. Itama looked at her, amused.

Gathering their group, Sakura felt a little out of place. She had to remind herself to be confident, to just go with it, and that she would be fine. A little speaking wouldn’t hurt her and she chose to do this, so she had to live up to it. 

“So here we have our main cafeteria. Conveniently close to the Student Union, so it’ll be easy to grab lunch.” Sakura walked the students through the food hall. It was large and circular shaped, and it smelled like damn good food. 

“It’ll be easy unless you’re studying art.” Itama joked. “Which none of y’all are, so it’ll be an easy quick lunch!” he winked, earning him a laugh from the younger people. Sakura smiled. This Itama boy had charm, that much she knew. “Alright so that concludes the main campus. We’ve just got the facilities left in our building.” he led the way. 

Itama was so confident, and so happy. He carried himself so well and just by the way he walked, you knew he was someone whose company people enjoyed. 

“Oh yeah we’re passing the main Law building, if any of you were interested in what’s that big old rusty building. It’s the Law building. Just one of their buildings.” Itama pointed to a very wide and stretched out red brick build. 

Laughs, and a lot of them. 

“They like you.” Sakura noted, walking by Itama’s side. She peered to see his reaction which wasn’t any less than what she expected from the boy. A toothy grin. He may be older, but sometimes she swore he was 15. 

“I’m just a likable guy haha! They like you too, you know. You speak very well.” he replied pointing backwards to their walking group of students.

“Oh no, I really don’t.” He looked at her with a really-bitch-? Face. “Alright, I guess..yeah I can speak quite well. But I’m not as confident as you.”

“What? Really? You seem really confident to me.” That earned him a sweet laugh. He suddenly felt a jump in his stomach.

“I’m not. I can be, but I doubt myself a lot.” They were close to the building entrance. “You also don’t really know me.” She pointed out, opening the doors to their building.

“Okay everyone, we’ll take you to labs first.” Itama announced to the buzzing group, before turning to Sakura. “Well then, can I get to know you?” he swung his phone out. 

--

“Did you get her number?” Shisui asked, slinging an arm around his two friends. 

Itama looked at the pink haired girl across the lecture hall.

“No, I didn’t.”

[janzz]

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)