#tragic as fuck musan

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

I'll love you better when I'm dead

(chapter 206 from Sanzu's POV)

(tragic MuSan drabble)

(link to ao3 in case some one preferes to read it there)

First of all...I'm sorry for this (not really but yes a lot at the same time, but I did this to myself too). An evil snail shared with me this AMAZING AND BRUTAL essay on Sanzu & katana-chan and reading the last pages about Mucho, this fic happened. So first of all...

GO, READ THE ESSAY NOW!

Summary: "We are both dying here today, captain."

[or why Sanzu looses his grip]

Warnings: Manga Spoilers. Major Character Death (chapter 206, duh). Hurt/No Comfort. Like for real, comfort has been slashed with a katana and is sinking in the bottom of the ocean.

The title is from "Love you better" because I listened in a loop for two days while reading the essay and writing this.

Oh, I played with Sanzu name (again, yes) but this time doing a full Jinx, ooopsie!

(English is not my first language, so be nice please 🙈)

It’s been six months since the Kanto Incident. Six months of planning for this day, of imagining how he’s going to punish that damn traitor. Of pretending his whole body doesn’t ache at the idea of killing the only person that made him feel like he mattered.

Haruchiyo is good at that, at hiding his true feelings from the world, lying to himself as much as he needs as a way of achieving it. He’s good at rationalize the overwhelming whirlwind of emotions that threaten to flood his mind all the time. He’s used to repress the pain, keep his anxiety at bay, bury all of it next to the memories he can’t face without having the need to scream and break everything at his reach (including himself).

Six months that seem to crumble the second his captain’s eyes light up when he spots him outside the detention center.

The ride is dominated by silence, that only breaks with Muto’s simple questions about how he’s been doing during this time. Genuine concern plastered on the face he’s supposed to hate. Haruchiyo wants to laugh hysterically at this, the irony that even now the older boy is only worried about him. Instead, he just gives short answers, knowing the other won’t push his boundaries.

They are finally at the wharf and his resolve flatters for a moment, overwhelmed by a kindness that he forgot how warm it feels.

“I’ve been waiting for this day...”

Haruchiyo trails off, talking mostly to himself. His hands grip the hilt of the katana, steading his inner turmoil with the reminder of why he’s doing this. The tangible proof of his vow, of the promise that gives him purpose. Wielding it with years of practice, preparing himself to strike a fatal blow.

‘Is that it? Is that the only reason I’m doing this?’

He hesitates, consciously loosening his grip on one hand and landing a sloppy cut that buys him some precious seconds.

“You damned betrayer!”

‘Liar, you made me think I could trust you, made me feel safe, seen. How can you say you love me when you couldn’t tell your treason would rot everything we shared?’

“Sanzu...?”

Muto looks at him in shock, trying to stop the bleeding with his hand and falling on his knees. He’s the perfect image of bewilderment, like he can’t comprehend what is happening, why is happening.

“I’ve been fooling you all along.”

‘I’ve been fooling myself, pretending this never meant anything to me. Pretending you never meant anything to me.’

Haruchiyo keeps talking, winning some time in order to collect his thoughts, to understand his own feelings in order to let them go and fully put his heart on the second hit.

“Remember our conversation that day when we were playing shogi? I said it, right?”

‘Do you remember how you told me I also mattered? You made me yearn for more, you were the first person that taught me to be selfish, to listen to my own needs.’

It’s almost ironic, realizing killing Muto is a sick way of putting himself first. Realizing this is personal.

“Protecting the king is the priority. You betrayed Mikey, didn’t you?”

‘You betrayed me, didn’t you?’

He takes off his mask, the scars reminding him of his place, letting go the faint illusion it could ever be somewhere else. That it could be next to his captain. He can’t forget it again, can’t keep hiding his devotion behind his craving for affection.

A sadistic grin on his face. That’s the new mask he’s going to show to a world that will never be the same for him.

“Now it’s checkmate.”

This time the cut is fatal, slashing a lot more than flesh and bones and severing the ties between them.

‘We are both dying here today, captain.’

Somehow, Muto hears the words he never says. But his will be the only tears shed, no one else will mourn the Haruchiyo that knew genuine love.

Sanzu can’t allow himself to grieve. He can’t be weak again, these seconds that felt like ages will be the last entertaining the idea he could be more than a loyal knight to his beloved king.

He made a promise and Sanzu is willing to do anything in order to fulfill it. Even killing a part of himself forever. His weakness, the love that tempted him to break free of his sacred vow. In a twisted way, he can’t avoid thinking how fitting it feels burying it with his captain.

Haruchiyo is dead.

Only Sanzu prevails.

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Snippet of 5th division Takemichi!

This is just a little drabble, like a snippet on a story that for know I only have notes about but I'll write someday. I just have 2 oneshots and one chapter to finish for starting with the wips that are just pages of notes for now, yuhu!

(promising this to myself)

I read a fic a few months ago with this idea and well, it was hilarious and I started thinking in what type of AU this could work, one trying to also save everyone and go to the plot of the different arcs. Did I say before thatt Tokyo Revengers is my Roman Empire? I wasn't joking. The other wip I have is time-leaper Manila Izana going through tenjiku arc. Fix it fics that, like canon, will be heavy on the angst but with happy ending (yes, me, doing happy endings, I know but did I say it will be heavy on the angst? Because the Izana one... He needs to learn a lot, oopsie)

For understanding the drabble, a few basics:

It's based on an AU where Takemichi jumps to the day when he met Mikey after shaking hands with him in Bonten. And let's pretend our dear Michi actually catched up Sanzu's name and was thinking in something more than Mikey for a second, okay?

Things happened and after saving Draken he asked to be put in the 5th division because reasons (Sanzu, knowing that Mucho is a traitor, knowing that well, he knows a lot about conspiracies that will happen in Toman so maybe this is not such a bad idea even if he's scared of his captain and vice-captain, right?)

A lot of things will happened for get to this point, but after some months of Sanzu knowing about Takemichi being a time-leaper, he finally opens up with the truth about tl0 (yes, he's a little shit and doesn't say anything for months but he has trusting issues, okay? Let him alone xD). Obviously, there will be chapters with Sanzu's POV, for plot reasons (not because I love writting his mental breakdowns, nops).

So... I think that's it. Ah, this conversation is happening in some point of Tenjiku arc, I'm still deciding what to do with this arc, but Takemichi changed enough things. So Mucho goes to Tenjiku alone and now Sanzu is the captain of the 5th division. With Takemichi as a vice-captain, poor crybaby.

Warnings: NONE! I almost don't believe it myself, but this is just comfort. Because it's a small scene that came to my mind and made me smile and I'm having a soft day, so I thought, why not write it?

(he's so pretty and I'm so normal about it, yeps)

At this point, Takemichi already learned a few things about his captain and how to tell the subtle changes on his expressions. He was sure Sanzu hided even more under the mask, but it wasn't that easy to see him without it. So he could see that the other boy was more absent, that his eyes weren't really looking at anything. And Takemichi had a hunch about the reason, he was just trying to find a way to talk about it without getting punch. Or worse, to be honest sometimes he still find the scarred boy a little too unpredictable.

“You know, some days when I wake up, I'm not even sure what time line is it. And I'm always afraid to discover the truth, to discover I fucked up and went back to Manila. Or Bonten.”

Some days, he still feels Mikey's body getting cold on his hands. Or see him getting pale with Emma doing the same. Dead inside in the hospital, the same empty eyes Takemichi saw in that abandoned bowling-alley. But that's an image the other doesn't need, the scarred boy has his own nightmares with Mikey on it. Absolute void in those darks eyes, more than he's able to imagine.

Sanzu gives him a weird look that already feels like a victory, he's looking at him. That's something, right?

“For what you said, I'm sure that Bonten wasn't that bad.” The pinkette snickers. “But, yeah... I get what you mean. It's like anything feels...real.”

The last part is almost like a whisper, like he was afraid of confessing it.

“Exactly.” The blonde smiles brightly, he knows he shouldn't be this easy to read, but he can't really avoid it. “It feels nice to have some one to talk about it that actually understands. With the rest of people that known before, I was always afraid they'll start thinking I was going crazy for saying this type of stuff.”

Aquamarine pair of eyes wide with the last words, like he suddenly understood what his vice-captain was trying to do. What he did, actually.

“I still hate you. Don't start thinking we're friends or some shit like that.”

It sounds almost like a bark, but Takemichi knows better after the last months. So he just laughs, happy with being able to cross another one of his captain walls. He promised to both of them, that he'll save him too.

And he will. Because this time, he'll save everyone. This time, he actually understands what is happening with Mikey.

So he'll save everyones asses, even the ones that don't want to be saved. Specially that ones.