#traumadumpingbecauseihavenofriends

[cimamongirl]

I don't know what's going on. I was a kid who knew her ways with words, but I'm now an adult who can't even write basic paragraphs. I'm having a hard time expressing myself with words; it feels like my vocabulary has shrunk as small as the holes needles have. I want to be able to express myself the way I want to, which is why I'll be going to write every day from now on.

Well, today is Monday, which means I have class. However, I woke up not feeling motivated. I was overwhelmed and was overthinking because of the exam results. I woke up early, but overthinking got me. I could not stop my thoughts from flowing; I could physically feel my brain being full, and it was so frustrating. In the end, I was left without enough time to prepare for school. It's always like this recently. I don't have any motivation to do any work. I think too much that I don't get any work done. I know that there are consequences to my actions, and I'll probably suffer from them eventually, but I just don't know what to do. I feel tired every time. I think too much that I don't get any work done. I just want to lay in bed to sleep, to stare at my ceiling, and to just live or just die. Not die  in a "sad girl" way though, I just want to disappear. I mean, if I can't live happily and satisfied, if im always gonna be like this, it's better to jus be gone, right? I don't know, I just don't feel like myself anymore. I feel so lonely, but I get uncomfortable when I'm with people. I want to tell my family that I don't want to be alone, it's just that they didn't give me any choice but to be alone. I always cry myself to sleep because of loneliness. 

People would always tell me how lucky I was to live by myself. But what they don't know is how miserable it is to live by yourself. No one will take care of you when you get sick. I could go days without talking because who will I be having a conversation with? No one, right? At such a young age, almost all of the things that I know as an adult were all self-taught. I was alone, and it was unbearable emotionally and mentally. I know there's something wrong with me. I'm not okay, but I don't have a choice, do I? I can't complain because, of course, there's always someone having it rougher than me. Why are problems a competition? Can't I just suffer without being compared to whoever the fuck is having it hard too? 

I've been guilty my whole life for acting like my problems. I've been guilt-tripped to the point that I don't even know how to handle my emotions properly because I do not know if they're valid or not. Why can't children be sad? Why can't we have problems? Is it illegal to feel emotions because I still feed myself using my parents's money? But maybe they're right; I don't even know what's wrong with me. I always say that I have it miserable, but when asked, I don't even have specific answers. Even at times, I ask myself, What the fuck is my problem? Why am I always crying? Why do I feel sad every time? I really want to know what's going on with me. Are my traumas valid, or am I just dramatic and want people to sympathize with me? What the fuck!!! I do want people to sympathize. Am I just an attention-seeker? Well, having to grow up being the least favorite child, it's valid to want attention, right? 

The reason that I've been doubting myself lately and feeling guilty about having this root-deep anger and hatred toward people is because of how my mother has treated me recently. I always remember my mother being sadistic but still loving in a way. However, I always felt left out, or maybe it's just me? I always felt like she loved my sister more, my half-sister. My mother had her before marrying my father. I feel like they have this bond that I can't just be with. She would play fight with my sister while I'm at their side, wishing that she would also do that with me. I remember when we were still at our old house, it was raining heavily. For context, we have our main house and our small store. My mother and father, together with our newly born brother, sleep at the store, while me and my sister sleep at our main house. It was raining heavily, and I was scared of the thunder and the lightning. And when I said scared, I was TERRIFIED. I was shaking, and I'm really nervous. I could just die. I tried waking up my sister to seek comfort, but she did not wake up. I was so desperate that I gathered all the strength that I have left to go to our store to hopefully sleep with my mother, as she's the person I'm going to feel the safest with. However, after I got there and woke my mother up, she got up irritated and told me to sleep with my father, and then she brought my brother with him to go sleep with my sister in the main house. This memory still haunts me and I feel sick every time. This is just one of the many "unacceptable" things she's done and be ready for more. So much for the context, my mother now loves me. I mean, after my sister stopped wanting to be babied by her anymore, she got more "affectionate" with me, and I can't put up with it anymore. I feel like I don't have the right to be angry and sad anymore because she's over it. She's always like this, after giving you a soul-crushing, gut-wrenching, and sh-worthy sermon, she'll just go and act like she's the most loving and kind mother in the whole world. I kind of feel bad writing this because, as angry and insensitive she is, she's the most hardworking woman I've ever met. I just wish she'd be more emotionally intelligent when handling her children. I'm wondering if she knows that she raised three mentally ill children. 

I started this note with something like, I can't write whatever, but would you believe this girl??? She can't even stop writing now. I don't know; it feels so good to have to write your own thoughts rather than drowning in them. My brain feels light, and I'm slightly smiling right now. I'm kidding; my brain doesn't feel light, but it got better. I still feel like I have so much more to say, but that's all for today. Goodnight, and I wish myself well.