#trfrant

[ficfanatictrf]

This was EXACTLY what I wanted to hear about!!!! Cause please, rant away- this was exactly the type of thing I wanted to hear about <3

I adore the concept of a puppy love Viktor, especially in a college setting. Could you imagine how the rest of their grade will react when the two who were always the rivals/arguing best friends suddenly Viktor is all heart eyes?

And in the future, I would love (SERIOUSLY LOVE) seeing the two of them become able to read the other without needing them to say anything. Like Viktor can just TELL when the reader needs something and vice-versa. Viktor is handling his own having a verbal argument with a classmate, the reader just watching because they know Viktor can hold his own - but when they take it to a much more personal place, the reader has no problem stepping in knocking them down a peg (or out) because they struck a nerve in the man. Or like you said, the two just seeming to KNOW the expression the other has when they need to be held - sometimes, they don't even know they are making the face before the other comes over and just hugs them.

And goodness gracious, do I have a plethora of ideas.

Next year, they have to work with a different partner (this could lead to jealousy or intense rivalry that could start to strain the relationship because of the stress of the classes plus the added bit)

Maybe they compete for something (a teacher's recommendation letter, an intern position, AN ASSISTANT POSSITION (looking at one of the things I wrote below) where the nasty side of heated competition messy up the relationship for a little bit

Viktor's father shows up (He came back only to demand that Viktor drop everything in his life to come deal with whatever the Dad is dealing with [maybe a debt that he is planning on horribly using Viktor to deal with]. Maybe he is horrible to Viktor for looking like his mother - where the reader would see a more docile and timid Viktor than they had ever seen before, standing up to his Dad for him and/or encouraging Viktor to stand up to his Dad.)

Viktor spending a long holiday (where the dorms aren't open) staying with the reader's family, as the boyfriend - him getting some personal and motherly love/advice from the reader's mother (something he hasn't felt in a very VERY long time)

The Winter Gala!! (I wanna see this man swoon so hard when he sees the reader all dressed up) The two of them schmoozing to see where they could go after college - see what their options are.

Once they are a couple, maybe some of the issues that all first time relationships have start to happen. (spending TOO much time together, spending too LITTLE time together, one of them doesn't handle criticism, broken promises on like dates or smaller things, or Viktor's insecurity when it comes to financial aspects of the relationship (wanting to be like the other couples and give beautiful gifts to the reader, but not being able to afford it. Thinking that it is the cost of the gift that matters, when it doesn't) Or the reader being scared at first about WHEN Viktor expects the relationship to get intimate, hearing from friends that you wait x-number of dates before the guy expects it.

Viktor becoming Heimerdinger's assistant, and finds themselves being 'left behind' as he becomes busy with his assistant work - then his Hextech work.

Maybe the two separate and they believe that it they will be fine because they have the pens. Only, 'lets say x-years' was how long the pens would work - the two believing the other was ignoring/ghosting them...when it was the pens just being regular pens again

....I can go on but I am not gonna overwhelm you with random thoughts...

But gosh, I love how kind but sassy you make Viktor- he is just so loveable in your work

Behind the scene lore, behind the scene lore!!!

I wanna know more about Viktor's life as he grew up with his penpal friend

omg yes yes! so im thinking this up right as i write it but that's okay because i enjoy the tasty prompt!

So there was a tiny bit of his backstory in chapter 9, but not a lot, so i'll try and expand a little bit on that. He lost his mom first, and then his dad just kind of Disappeared, but i honestly can't decide what Exactly happened to him. Like if he just left and never came home because he got into some kind of trouble, or if he'd been planning on leaving Viktor purposefully.

it's a personal headcanon that Viktor looks like his mom, so maybe his dad saw too much of his deceased wife in his face, and couldn't look at him anymore.

I wanna say that Vik found the pen a couple weeks before his dad took off, though. And because the Reader hadn't gotten a hold of the rest of the set yet, it functioned as a normal pen would. He probably used it to learn what he could about machinery, sketching out his designs and concepts on scraps of paper he was able to find.

It's probably only a week or so after being abandoned that the two of them start talking. HC that the Reader is a little bit older than Viktor, either by weeks or months. But at that age, he probably only Kind Of understands how bad things are - like his situation is dire, but until they left him, I wanna say that his parents did a decently okay job at protecting him.

Like yeah, he grew up in desolate poverty, and he was probably surrounded by hardened hearts and violence, but he wasn't directly involved with it. In a sense, they allowed him to have a soft heart that cares about people and the world and animals. He's not blind to what's going on by any means, but I want to say he can still see the good in people to some degree. He's not as jaded.

Really, the pen turns out to be a blessing to him. He could have learned all the stuff that the Reader was helping him with on his own, but it would have taken him a lot longer. He's kind of on his own after his parents are gone, aside from his long distance friend, who helps him learn things quick enough to survive.

In my mind, he gets a job at a weird little repair shop. Once he shows that he has at least some skills and concepts, his employer decides to take a chance on him, and Vik enlists the Reader for help. He figures things out pretty quickly on his own, but he still likes sharing what he does with another person - he's never really had friends his own age, so he gets attached very quickly.

He's definitely worried that they'll leave him, especially in the first couple of months, but as the years pass, he grows more secure about their friendship and trusts that his penpal genuinely cares about him.

His employer probably lets Viktor sleep in the room above the shop in exchange for reduced wages, which is honestly a steal, since he'd kind of just been out on the streets after being abandoned. It's not a big place, literally just a single room with a door and a bed, but it's better than what he had before. He builds a little desk for himself, so he can write and sketch more comfortably. He makes a couple of shelves, over time, and fills them with bits and bobs he's collected.

He and the Reader probably have brainstorming sessions on a regular basis, writing down concepts and nitpicking the details of how something might or might not be possible. Viktor isn't able to get his hands on a lot of the parts necessary to build most of them, but the Reader is. Which is why he recognizes them in their workshop, when they're older and secretly paired together in class.

And the Reader is just so earnestly kind to him, encouraging his interests and hyping him up. He's never really had someone who openly sticks up for him like that, so like I said, he gets attached quickly. I even want to think that he falls in love with the Reader before they fall in love with him. Kind of a puppy love at first, willing to follow them anywhere because they're nice to him, but after getting to know them in person (after figuring out their identity) it morphs into a more serious kind of love: wanting the best for them and wanting them to feel safe and secure, loved, and listened to.

Doesn't stop him from blushing like a schoolboy the first time they kiss him. Viktor.exe has stopped working. We couldn't see it the first time they kissed, because it was dark, and they haven't kissed since - but he's gonna turn into a complete tomato once they start openly being affectionate with each other.

It will take him a little bit to get used to the physical acts of love, but not as long as you'd think. Another personal headcanon is that he's not put off by touching, provided he knows the other person well enough. He's just...awkward about initiating anything. He wants the hug, but he doesn't know how to ask for it, so he'll just stare at his partner looking sad until they somehow gain the ability to read his thoughts.

Bc really, both the Reader and Viktor are still kind of babey in this fic. They're only nineteen. which when you get to be my age, is basically a tall child XD They still have more growing up to do, and i'm honestly contemplating continuing this fic for a while. Working up to their relationship, but then also showing the next couple years of their life. I will need to come up with ideas oof

[ficfanatictrf]

Fuck it

Well, whatever, I hate sad cliff hangers so I am just gonna post the second chapter now.

I would much rather prefer leaving a happy cliff hanger than a sad one.

Still need to write the third and last chapter, but hopefully I will find time this week to do that. (and hopefully it doesn't end up being nearly 10k words like the second chapter ended up being)

[ficfanatictrf]

Ricky Montgomery - Line Without a Hook

After listening to his other songs (again) and now having extreme brain rot again for this song (...again)

I wanted to post a little something about this song.

When playing this song, I am not thinking of a person that I am 'a wreck without' but my own sense of self, my own heart, my individuality.

Triggers below: Reference to many trigging things. Self-harm, abuse, ect.

The last SERIOUS relationship I was in, was literally 10 years ago. And I gave EVERYTHING of myself to this relationship. - Physical Health (anorexia, compulsive exercise [sometimes I would find myself unable to sleep, so I would do P90X and Insanity work outs to try and wear myself down to get to sleep....after a full day of military work and PT training...], cutting, and burning) - Mental Health (Depression and anxiety skyrocketed, I was pressured into get as close to sex as possible without actually having sex [hand jobs, thigh jobs, make outs in the shower while he rubbed one out, had him go down on me...which hurt and was terrifying for me), suicide attempt, was starting to hallucinate. I broke my morals (he was married and with a 2 year old son....and being the naïve idiot I was at the time, I believed him when he convinced me that because we 'weren't having penetrative sex that it wasn't cheating' - had a whole break down about this afterword) - My military career (I left as soon as I could - even when I had no idea what I wanted to do at the time) - My family (it nearly broke my family relationship with me. It took me YEARS and multiple therapists before I could talk to them about everything that happened when I was away. How it affected me.) - My friendships (I don't talk to anyone, except one person, that knew me before I was 18)

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I end this just to say that this song matters a great deal to me.

I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me When we're alone You can hold my hand If no one's home The whole cheating aspect of our relationship. Because in the military you can be dishonorably discharged if they catch you cheating, our relationship was hidden.

Do you like it when I'm away? If I went and hurt my body, baby Would you love me the same? I started, keyword started, self-harming as a desperate attempt to keep his attention. He only really seemed to care when he could be 'the hero'. So I started it when he started pulling away....to then later find out that I couldn't stop for a very long time.

I can feel all my bones coming back And I'm craving motion The fact that I started feeling like I could do things again. Looking back I think it took me nearly 2-3 years to start having a desire to do anything. Mama never really learns how to live by herself It's a curse And it's growing You're a pond and I'm an ocean A feeling I have a lot. Later finding out from a therapist that I am a 'Highly Sensitive Person' as well as a person with ADHD, Misophonia, ect. Constantly it felt like I was feeling an ocean's worth of emotions compared to someone else who was feeling a pond's worth.

Oh, all my emotions Feel like explosions when you are around And I've found a way to kill the sounds, oh Honestly, for years I drowned out all thoughts and feelings about that time. Using anything to keep that time period out of my mind.

Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? Oh, and if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide Spoken directly to my heart. I am a wreck when I give my heart away and I am a wreck when I am without it. And from now on, it will stay with me. And that I apologize to myself for insulting my heart. For calling it too sensitive, a cry baby, ect. That I apologize for calling myself 'weak' for having emotions for years after the relationship.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no) Listen close, it's a no The wind is a-pounding on my back And I found hope in a heart attack Oh at last, it is past Now I've got it, and you can't have it Pretty clear. No, I will not give my heart away anytime soon. No matter how much the wind (society) pressures me to 'find the one', to go out and date.

Darling, when I'm fast asleep I've seen this person watching me Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh Honestly, something I still wrestle with. Is it worth it going through the dating and break-ups in the hopes of finding love? Guess there is something, and there is nothing There is nothing in between And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer Watching over me, he's singing "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy" He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook" A horrible way to think of it...but it how I sometimes see it. That the relationship broke my line, that now I am just a line without a hook. That because a key part of me broke during that time- I can't 'catch' love anymore.

[ficfanatictrf]

Well....FUCK

I was told to listen to this because my friend knows the type of music that KILLS ME

And this one is gonna be a constant in my head for probably the next month....

And it doesn't help that I keep picturing Viktor's change into the Machine Herald when it says 'when does a man because a monster'. And GOD, it fucking hurts...

[ficfanatictrf]

Update (1/17)

Almost moved to new location, still have some issues talking to housing and such to get out of my contract because of my issues and concerns (need a few documents to do that). I am living at the new house, just still have some of my stuff at the old apartment.

Finally have a therapy appointment in a couple days

Working on the next request that I started but never finished (Viktor and his s/o as children). It is already going to be rather long I think because of the idea that I had for it

Will work on the part 2 of the Undesired Assistance as well

Have been working on some simple and easy drawing things, I'll post in the future

I am doing a lot better.

Me and my best friend (whom I am living with) still have a lot of work to do to get everything set up for me living with her. But, I think this will be a blessing because we both are very similar when it comes to our issues.

Thank you to everyone that checked in on me. I GREATLY appreciated it. I am not used to people checking in on me during hard times, so seeing those messages sometimes brought me to tears (it is why I didn't reply quickly to some of them as I wanted to keep them in my inbox to re-read for a couple days)

Seriously, I am so thankful for all of you!