#trying to decipher their dialogue during the fights was a fun challenge too

[glassrunner]

LIES OF P: Main Puppet Bosses

[violetsystems]

#personal

I have another free weekend from mowing the lawn out in the suburbs.  My mom wants to do it the weekend of the start of my vacation to coordinate with her Halloween decorations.  This last week was intense on many levels so it is nice to have some alone time to recoup.  It seems now more than ever there’s a bit of a conspicuous desperation around me at all times.  The exhausting ritual of deciphering who is trying to say what without saying it gets old.  There are times when it doesn’t.  People are often afraid to talk to each other.  When they do it’s pretty much as one sided as flashing a statement shirt in front of your face.  In America people fake it until they make it.  There’s this ambient pushiness from the status quo here at all times.  Chicago can be a little different.  People push back.  How artfully you resist is largely subjective and often not as effective as you’d like.  If I’ve learned anything from bouncing back and forth from here and New York is that consistency is key.  So is being nice.  Sometimes saying no is the nicest answer you have for some people.  Sometimes not saying anything and changing your route completely is better.  Navigating the topography of hypothetical fame is mostly an asteroid field of other people’s expectations.  People have ideas about you without ever asking for your consent here.  That’s anywhere in America and maybe even around the world.  A recent Snowden interview revealed that much of America’s surveillance state was in the hands of private contractors.  Our freedom of press here is dominated by millionaire pundits with vested interests in privatized capital.  Your best bet is a lawsuit.  Which is more money more problems as they say.  Special interests zone in on what they want to see.  Narratives in America are created for political gain all the time and spun right and left in a circle.  Most of this is for profit if not all.  There are times when journalism holds power accountable.  And then there’s times when a talking head goes too far.  Companies like Boeing going through what Nike went through in the nineties.  With zealots in the background chanting to burn it all down and start over from ash.  All very useful revolutionary feelings but the endgame is suspect.  With all the love for the Joker lately I’ve been bringing up the riddler a lot more.  More so that’s it’s funnier to say “Riddle me this” outloud for no reason.  But the Riddler at least had an endgame.  A question was being asked.  The Joker has no answer.  Too much of a failure to stand up without a mask.  It’s all a fucking joke so just laugh on the outside and cry on the inside.  The same could be said of Batman or worse.  Money being his superpower I empathized more when Heath Ledger set it all on fire.  A security guard did say they were going to see the movie this weekend.  I always try to pick the most positive thing to say in public in my dialogue tree.  “Oh Robert Deniro is in that right?”  They smiled and nodded.  I didn’t anything about incels or guns.  I told them to have a nice day.

There’s a time and place for action.  Knowing your part in it during particularly heavy and revolutionary times can be stressful.  Everybody expects from you what they would not do themselves.  People trick you constantly into caring about things that don’t deserve your attention.  The politics that I vote for are the jobs of politicians.  And yet I’ve had my life and privacy more encroached on by politics than what I’ve gotten back it seems.  If the personal is really political then self confidence is the most revolutionary action.  Helping others feel confident in the face of all this is a very heroic act.  But a knight in public for every cause doesn’t really leave much room for down time.  I don’t think it was a waste of my time.  I learned a lot of boundaries this summer.  I scaled a lot of walls in the process.  In the end I’m still right here.  Maybe a little less sensitive.  For as much as I try not to search for anything algorithms still bring the drama into my feed sometimes.  Pictures scroll by and I feel sad, pathetic and alone.  I feel like I’ll never be good enough.  Never famous enough to be cared about.  And then I walk to the grocery store and vice news guerilla interns are there to geotag my every step.  For all the time I spend in my apartment, my view from out my ktichen window is plagued by dystopian nightmares.  Just like my real dashboard is filled with traces of people I love.  What do you really pay attention is on you.  Do I really fear missing out of a hallucination of fame that doesn’t really follow any logic other than money?  For some people that’s their job.  For me I fix computers for artists.  The pay and the benefits are far more than I could ever make dj’ing .  I have a twenty year continuous resume doing so.  I’m sure I could find a job in New York if it made sense.  I’m sure I can fly there every two months by myself and stay occupied too.  I can tell people feel safe around me.  Sometimes I’m just trying to be left alone.  Nobody knows how much space I save in my life and for who.  Sometimes I get the sense that people do.  Sometimes that’s a very beautiful thing to see in action.  Like finding a question mark butterfly on a mailbox on your lunch break.  How that speaks to you can be as pure as nature or tainted by somebody else’s narrative.  That is unfortunately on you and your perspective.  For all the traps and tricks society has played on me I always come out looking like a winner.  I stayed positive.  Sometimes the only winning move is not to play.  Good luck unplugging from everything though.  The internet is a blessing and a curse.  Some platforms just like some movements have so much surface level noise and chaos that nobody gets heard.  Some people burrow so deep in doesn’t really matter.  In that I’ve found a lot of freedom for myself and what I love.  But it’s a constant negotiation.  And that’s a labor of love that keeps on going even through the coldest months to come.  I didn’t say it was easy.  But it’s always been worth it to me to live with what I’ve grown to love and care for deeply in my own way.  Love is probably the most revolutionary act there is in time’s like these.  But what that looks like requires you to love yourself first before it can even manifest.  So maybe the inside world is a good place to start before laying waste to the one outside your window.

Over two years I was inspired by something and someone enough to change.  I put things into motion in my life that required personal action.  It sucked from what I can remember.  But these days I look in the mirror at a different person.  I’m still unhappy at times.  Last week I got angry and depressed.  I thought that everything I tried to become was never going to be enough.  I felt trapped, alone and ignored.  And I realized that wasn’t actually true and focused on other things.  I played games at my kitchen table.  I cleaned my shower.  I applied data analytics to my bank statement with a microsoft application.  I worked out in my kitchen using a Nike app.  I made amazing coffee in my kitchen.  I rolled more than enough joints to know a thing or two about the World of Warcraft movie.  I played records in the back room and streamed Code Vein from my PS4.  I thought a lot about what I want and what I desire.  I paid attention to some things more and other things less.  I listened to my voice when I was speaking and others.  Some people always sound unhappy.  I sound measured and sane.  Sometimes I don’t speak at all.  Sometimes there’s things I really desperately want to say.  Sometimes I know you already know.  I trust that you do.  Have faith that you do.  And I never really expected anything other than that.  And yet miracles are what you make of them.  Life can either be one constant paranoid mindfuck or a tiny green planet in a never ending universe.  How you see that in your mind is reflected in the words you speak.  The pictures you take.  The songs you sing.  The people you avoid.  The bullshit you sacrifice for a garden that blooms yearly.  Things don’t happen overnight.  If you appreciate how things live and grow you know everything takes time.  We’re all so stressed about how much of it we have left.  Are we really enjoying any of it as it passes?  I know the times I put into challenging myself has rewarded me with good health.  People still treat me like a kid all the time.  People have been limiting my potential for as long as I remember.  It’s kept me out of some bad circles and scenes.  I’ve grown largely in isolation by choice.  It’s not a fun thing to be alone all the time.  It looks worse when you lash out.  I’ve been there.  Spitting at the ground all summer because some people got it twisted.  I thought I could fight these irrational battles that are just for show.  I’ve learned it’s more about setting an example.  Leading instead of following.  These days I can’t seem to avoid all the traffic.  Really at the end of the day I just want to run into you.  And I do on the highway we call the internet all the time.  With your tinted windows and your stretch limousine.  You see me waving.  Next time I’ll blow you a kiss.  I’m sure nobody will notice if I stay in my lane.  <3 Tim