#tumblr is great bc you can just put a 1000 words without a point on here for no reason except tha tyou like the sound of your own typing

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

13 is funny right bc like. okay shes both tesla And byron. shes bumbling little awkward cuteboy inventor And uh "a man proud, moody, cynical, with defiance on his brow, and misery in his heart, a scorner of his kind, implacable in revenge, yet capable of deep and strong affection". that.

and heres the thing i wonder bc these are both like, archetypes girls like, right? it's like when i was 14 going if i were a companion i simply wouldnt fall in love with the doctor rip to rose but im different and then being 22 going oh no im not different, right? like these are,, the Types. this is why people went so fucking insane bonkers over 10 right? hes also both. obviously because hes the same character and also he looks the part. 12 also is the same guy but he doesnt look the part. he looks like,,, well idk like a sorta wannabe punk anarchist i guess

im being meandering bc im not sure what im trying to say but i have a Wonder bc like. basically i wonder if 13 does the same thing as 10 does. i mean like as a character not like their literal Actions i mean their Effect on their Audiences does it come from the same Thing

bc wait heres another thing that goes in here right bc like 10 was based on david tennant doing casanova right? i havent seen it, i have it downloaded but like, it's sort of in the name you can kinda see where,,,, it all comes from. and then 13 was based on adult life skills anna right? now i HAVE watched that and it's EXTREMELY 13 but is it a byronic hero no it is not. it is nonetheless extremely appealing to me in a fangirl big embarrassing crush kinda way. like in a 14 yo fangirling over david tennant kinda way. im assuming. like technically it's definitely a 25 yo fangirling over 13 kinda way but how different is that really

and thats actually i think exactly what im wondering. how different IS that really. is the thing that appeals abt 13 is that what people feel abt their wet men? im watching that video essay abt snapewives again btw maybe good context to have. bc theres this thing abt the wet men people like right? like, theres this aspect of wanting to like, save them? like youve got a wet sad prettyboy and you can cheer him up. or youve got a wet sad meanyboy and he only likes you. right? theres thoroughness & nuance im missing but thats what i understand. with my head bc with my heart ive never been close. unless 13 counts bc then im very close but im very much wondering if she counts and if she doesnt then why not

IS 13 a byronic hero in how we ('we' here defined as people who have a gay little crush on her) relate to her or is she NOT bc she doesnt look the part? like 12

another question: if 13 is not a byronic hero is that because she doesnt look the part or bc of other factors. are the other factors there BECAUSE she doesnt look the part? if thats the case i'd expect it to work the same with 12. does it? (i mean like, people's biases abt age and gender subconsciously affecting either/both which traits we highlight/notice in them?)

if 13 is NOT a byronic hero, ARE there women byronic heroes i could use to compare here? (kinda expecting like an woman in gideon the ninth series here which i still havent finished)

[ethospathoslogan]

can i ask for some advice about sexuality and stuff? i'm feeling a bit confused about mine :p. it's okay if you don't want to though :-)

okay!!! so i’m not that great with advice, tho i do think i have enough experience to give you something, so first i’m gonna talk abt my own experience and then hopefully find a moral of it!!! just bc sexuality is confusing as fuck and i am Still sometimes confused by it all today

so basically tho, to start, whatever your sexuality is, it’s valid!!!

so, there’s mine. i’m a lesbian!!! but, tbh, it took me a really long time to come to that conclusion and it took me even longer to be okay with the fact that i was a lesbian. i realized i wasn’t straight back in 2014, and at first i thought i was bisexual but that just didn’t feel right to me. not that there is anything wrong with being bisexual!!! it just wasn’t a label that felt right with me. and then i identified as pansexual from 2014-2016 (ya you’re getting a timeline here!!!) and, tbh, thinking back, that too didn’t feel 100% right but i think i was too young and too scared to think more on it.

also 2014-2016 is what i like to call the “gender clusterfuck” and you have to be like level 10000000 friend to get that out of me. or maybe just ask super politely, idk. it’s not a thing i talk abt a lot, not for bad reasons, but just bc, to me, it’s sorta complicated. but i digress omg

so then in like 2016 i kept thinking that my label didn’t feel right. by this point, i had already been on like 1000 self-journeys and a half omg. and then i was just kinda chilling, honestly i’m pretty sure i was showering tbh, and it suddenly hit me: “oh my god i’m a lesbian”

and at first it didn’t feel right. it actually felt awful, if i’m being quite honest. awful enough to the point that i started to fuck myself up thinking, “what if i’m just faking” (**answer: i’m not, but i’ll get to that). i only realized it after i was finally comfortable with myself, but i was dealing with a shit ton of internalized homophobia. and that confused me, you know? like i’m not from a particularly conservative family, so even tho there’s been homophobic comments here or there, not enough (in my opinion) to warrant me being so uncomfortable with myself. and then i finally realized that it was bc i myself outed myself too early. like, the moment i realized i Wasn’t Straight, i was putting it on tumblr and already telling one of my best friends. i’ll have you know, this was only a couple days in. i didn’t let myself sit and think about what i was feeling. i let myself run with a label that i wasn’t particularly comfortable with and started telling people before i was even ready to accept that about myself. and bc i was already uncomfortable with my label, i just got more uncomfortable and eventually associated that bad feeling with sexuality.

but now i’m a big ole lesbian who loves my sexuality!!! so!!! woo!!!

**to go with the whole “oh my god am i faking it” thing, one of the most relieving experiences was realizing that a lot of other lesbians had similar experiences. i’ve seen many other lesbians on tumblr talking about how they flitted through a lot of other identities because they always felt like “lesbian” was deemed a Bad Word by society. in 8th grade, when i started to realize that every attraction i’ve ever had to a boy was forced and superficial and i liked the Idea of them and not who they were, i thought i was aro before i even considered that i might be gay. so, yeah, solidarity!!!

so, basically, what’s my point with all of this? i talked about my lesbian experience, but you might not be a lesbian, so what’s the point in saying all of this? well it’s because, if anything, i want to say that it’s actually okay to be unsure of yourself at first. it’s normal to know that you’re Not Straight but not know What. despite what literally everyone says, knowing your sexuality can change you a bit. not in a bad way, but it can make you suddenly realize why you felt that thing 10 years ago, or why you never thought this person was attractive. it also gives you the chance to unashamedly be yourself. a lot of people think that sexuality is just a thing that doesn’t affect who we are as people, but that’s just bc we live in a heteronormative world where being straight is the norm so, therefore, of course being straight doesn’t affect who you are. but for gay people? bi people? trans, pan, ace, aro? yeah, things can be a bit different for us.

and it can take a while for us to be comfortable with who we are. and we can go between labels and, despite what some people might say, that’s actually not... a bad thing? ik in like idfk 2015 everyone was like “some people are using ______ as a phase and that makes them all terrible people” but, here’s the thing, i’ve found in my case and with many others, not knowing who you are means you’re going to find a label that might not work for you in a year, and that’s okay. as stated, i myself have went on a lot of journeys with labels, and that doesn’t make me a bad person, nor does it make the past labels “lesser”. some people realize they’re pan and know they’re pan! some don’t. some lesbians realize that they’re bisexual, some bisexuals realize that they’re gay. you get what i’m saying? for a long time, labels were treated as a “for life” thing like, the moment you think you’re this, you’re it forever. but that’s not real. that’s not how a lot of people work, especially when it comes to discovering your sexuality.

and, of course, my experience is not yours!!! tbh, the wonderful thing that i find abt sexuality and discovering it is that, yes, we all have a solidarity, but we also have our own unique experiences. some are amazing, some aren’t so great at all, and some just Happen without a bang.

so, i feel like i might have rambled on for a really long time, but i’m feeling sentimental and emotional today omfg. just know that it’s okay to not know who you are and take your time. if i was to give you one real, legit piece of advice, it would be to don’t do what i do. don’t immediately force yourself out of the closet. even if the people outside aren’t that bad, hell, maybe they’re even amazing, i recommend taking some time for yourself. if i did that and waited and didn’t instantly start telling people about my sexuality, it would’ve saved me a lot of trouble.

oh my goodness this got long. anyway!!! i hope you have a fantastic day and that things work out wonderfully for you