#turtlecleric ramblings

[turtlecleric]

I'm in Hell

SPOILERS FOR SYMPHONY CHAPTER 22 - THIS POST IS LONG YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

I'm so Unwell. I have never had any misunderstandings like the thing with Donnie, but I have been betrayed by someone who was my best friend for years, so this chapter... it's hitting me really, really hard.

---

When Leo first met Vi, he was studying her a lot. Remember the near-physical weight his scrutiny had felt like? You feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. ... like a pinned rabbit ... you see an obsidian edge beneath his smile that feels a little sharp as you lean into it.

And then later in her apartment:

[Leo talking] “…You know what really got me interested in talking to you?”

“What?” you ask, tilting your head. 

“Donnie came back from talking with April and he was talking about you."

This is literally Vi and Leo's first time meeting - I don't think Leo started to really hate her until after she started coming to the Lair and he saw how Donnie reacted to her presence, but he mentions that Donnie talked about her already. It's framed within Vi's mind as him being careful with his family. He's the leader, he's careful around new people, he wants to make sure she isn't a threat, etc. But even though this is before the touch thing started, there could've been the seed of hatred already there depending on how Donnie spoke about Vi to Leo.

---

He [Leo] peers at you like he can read your life story where it’s written on your soul. ... “…You don’t have a lot of friends, do you?” he asks, his voice soft and yet cutting you all the same.

and this:

[Vi talking] “I had a lot of fun tonight. I’d… like to have more nights like this one. To. To have a family. If I can.” “You can,” he [Leo] says

He knew from the first fucking time he met her that she was lonely. That she wanted friends, wanted a family, wanted to belong. He knew that better than anyone else in the family, not only because of her saying this to him but also because of how well he reads people and how much time he spent with her. He's the only one who has seen her in her apartment, too, caught her in those few vulnerable moments in her home. I'm so fucking angry.

There are so many times in the fic that... I can't even articulate... here's some quotes early on -> "you hate how much you like this guy [Leo]" and "you smile when you see [the text notification is from] Leo" and when Vi is sick in the store she says "I miss Leo" and on and on. And that whole fucking time! He was!! UGH!!!

---

When Vi agrees to make Leo some bread so that maybe he can get some of Donnie's apology cookies he texts her "ttyl i gotta go rub this in donnie’s face" and yeah that's him being a little shit as always, but it's ALSO proof of him using EVEN THEIR PRIVATE TEXT CONVERSATIONS as ammunition rile up Donnie.

---

Hey look! Bits that hit different/hint at more going on/might be Leo's mask slipping!

“How long do we hafta wait before she ain’t a guest anymore?” Raph asks, causing you to snort a laugh. 

“That’s up to Donnie,” Leo says, voice heavy with an undercurrent of meaning you’re not picking up on, causing you to look at him with a raised eyebrow. He smirks, reaching over to poke your cheek with his finger. “Y’know. He’s the one who met you first, and all that.” 

…Something tells you it’s more than that, but he’s good enough at hiding it that you don’t feel comfortable calling him on it in front of the others.

...

you have no idea how you fit in [to the family], and Leo had all but told you that the space is here, ready and emblazoned with your name on it. You don’t quite see it yet, even if he apparently does.

...

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. It’s complicated,” Leo says easily, and it’s only just, but you pick out the thread of iron bars in his tone, ready to come crashing down if you push even a little too hard. So, you don’t.

“Okay,” you say easily, causing him to get that piercing look he gets sometimes, the one when he feels more like a ninja than a funny turtle man who tries to see how many cookies he can shove into his mouth at once and sends you pizza rat memes at four in the morning. “…Dude, we’ve been friends for like, a week. It’s cool that you aren’t ready to spill your guts yet, you know that, right?” 

His eyes go sharp, but then he hums and smiles. You feel like you did the night you first met him, like there’s a test here and it’s in a language you don’t understand. It’s a bit uncomfortable, prompting you to grab your own drink and swallow a healthy bit of it just to have something to do.

...

[Vi talking] “…He [Donnie] seems lonely.”

Leo hums under his breath, cutting a portal that feels a little like home. “Well, lucky he has you, then.”

...

“Uh, I met her first,” Donnie says, scowling, while Leo just gives him a smug look. 

...

You do, however, lean in while the others are occupied, whispering to Donnie, “So, ten dollars, which one of them tops?” and laughing when he chokes. You catch Leo’s eyes and give him a devious grin, spying him look to Donnie with a curiously blank look before shifting to a catty smile of his own when he looks back to you

...

“One portal home for a lovely lady,” Leo says as he steps through, his face going a little flat when he looks over your shoulder to Donnie behind you.

...

Leo is… astonishingly quiet for a moment, his face blank of anything for you to read as he stares at the piece hard. Then he looks up at you, and you see an unusually capable person that doesn’t feel like your best friend, even as much as it feels like the real Leonardo, here for the first time for you to see.

...

[Vi talking] “I don’t… I don’t like keeping secrets. Or lying. Not from people I care about.” 

The weight of Leo’s eyes is almost physical. It makes you remember that he’s asked you to keep secrets, and your eyes snap to his, wondering if that’s the reason why he’s gone still like this. “I—I haven’t told anyone. About the ninja thing, or the Krang thing. I’d never—”

“I know,” Leo interrupts, threading his hand through your hair so he can cup your nape and press your forehead to his own. “I trust you.” You release a sigh of relief, nodding. “I’m just… thinking it might be time for us to repay that back.” 

You blink, gaze darting between his eyes. “I don’t… what do you mean?”

“We’re a pretty close-knit family. There’s a lot of… baggage. A lot of history. A lot of stuff we haven’t told you. And it’s… it’s starting to feel a little disrespectful,” he says, looking a bit displeased. “You’re one of us. It’s only fair.”

---

We all know about the constant comments Leo makes about being Vi's "favorite turtle" and "best friend" in front of the others/in the group chat. He talks in Chapter 22 about purposefully draping himself across her and pulling her close, hugging her, scenting her, touching her in front of Donnie to piss Donnie off. But there's all these other little things that seemed so innocent at the time and now I'm losing my mind wondering about each of them, wondering - is that something he did with malicious intent? How many nice things were ONLY done to piss off Donnie? There are so many times that he compliments her - for example:

“What? I can’t compliment my bestie and her fine legs?” Leo coos, reaching over and flicking your nose gently.

“Leonardo,” Donnie warns, folding his arms.

And I remember, during my second read through after I finished Chapter 20, being so happy and grateful that Leo was pretty consistently giving her compliments, because she deserves to be complimented and taken care of and loved, because she deserves good friends who hype her up, and this WHOLE TIME-

(Side note - that time that Leo complains she smells like Donnie's lab, he shoves her away and she falls to the floor. First read, it's just Leo being playful. Second read, I wonder... is that a little bit of his frustration getting out of him in a physical way? He shoved her to the fucking floor, and then, once Donnie shows up, Leo pats the cushion next to him for Vi to sit by him. Then he wraps his arm around her and pulls her in close to smell her. But that's only after Donnie shows up.)

When Mikey takes Vi's So-Shell profile picture -> “Wha—?” you start, only to feel Leo leaning in to smoosh his cheek against yours, the distinct feeling of bunny ears brushing the back of your skull. Once again, this is in front of Donnie. Plus it's for her profile picture, so that means every time Donnie sees her So-Shell profile he'll see Leo in the picture, too. Leo was also famously the first like on her first So-Shell post and gets her to always leave nice comments/emojis on his thirst traps.

When she comes to the Lair to practice with her viola, Leo offers up HIS room first, and only once she declines does he -> “Ugh, fine, you are so boring,” he says, and removing his arm, he shoves at your shoulders hard and pushes you through the portal. (Pushing her onto the floor, pushing her through the portal... he's kind of rough with her in the beginning, and I figured it was just because he's haha silly funny turtle man, physical comedy, joking around whatever but... again I wonder. Is he letting himself be a little rough as a way to express his true feelings?)

God, all these little things that... might have an ulterior motive and might not.

It's around the time Vi gets bruised up by that guy at the coffee shop that Leo seems to start actually acting like a real friend, in my opinion. “…You don’t even get how incredible you are, do you?” he asks, causing you to roll your eyes. “You seriously don’t see it.” 

The very next chapter he gets a glimpse of her being anxious over not being able to play, while she notices that he looks tired, invites him to listen to music and lets him sleep on her back, and in that chapter it says: you sit, quiet, letting him use you. My second read through, this line hit me hard because I KEPT noticing that she really does nothing but GIVE and I feel like she's constantly doing things to be useful to others. And now, as I'm skimming through a third time, it turns out that... yeah. Yeah. He was fucking using her. In Chapter 22, Leo says "then you reach out and touch me in a way no one has. You’ve helped me, even though I was just using you" and I'm thinking this is the moment that that really started. When she first let him sleep on her. And that's also the first time he churrs with her. After that, he gets her really nice sushi, and she thinks he's guilty for drooling all over for her, but I think maybe he was guilty because he's starting to realize how nice she is and how shitty it is that he's using her like that, even though he does continue those manipulative behaviors.

---

He sighs, his face going openly affectionate. “…You’re so��” 

What he thinks you are, you don’t know, as he chooses instead to pull you into a hug. You go easily, seeking the comfort of his embrace, hoping he can feel in your arms that you truly do mean what you said. 

“You know, instead of sorry, you should say—” Leo says, though as his face gets close to your throat, his mouth snaps shut and he goes still in a manner that reminds you a little of Donnie. 

“…Leo?” you ask, going to pull back from the hug to look into his face only to feel his hands go tight on your back, holding you close while he dips his beak to your skin and inhales. When he does pull back, he’s got a look of shock on his face that he quickly schools into something more neutral, but barely. 

This is where he smells Donnie on you for the first time, and the guilt he was starting to feel, the actual genuine affection he was developing for her, may have then been interrupted/overshadowed by his anger.

Vi was right to say she isn't gonna go back and examine every detail, because it's so fucking MUDDY! There are glimpses of true softness from him sprinkled throughout with him ALSO still hanging over her and doing shit that pisses Donnie off on purpose. And then of course the scene with Leo in the kitchen when he scares her, where we get the first big glimpse into his true anger about the whole situation, where we see him being sharp and cutting and dismissive and- I'm not going to paste in that whole scene, but he's so, so, SO angry. When she has that visceral, terrified reaction, he feels so bad (I do think he was genuinely, truly horrified that he scared her), but then he finds out that Vi and Donnie are (as far as Vi is aware) dating, followed by her telling him that Donnie misses touching his brothers, misses hugs, followed by Leo deciding to tell Vi about all the family secrets... so he's wrestling with this rage and jealousy, but he's also starting to really accept her as family (I think, since he shared the info about the Krang, about Lou Jitsu, about Casey, since he asked for her help)...

It kills me that, after that, he saw her trying so hard to help, like when she went to the library and got books on PTSD and fell asleep taking notes and she wakes up with a blanket covering her and a little blue heart on a note - he saw her doing that, on top of everything else she CONSTANTLY does for other people, for his family, and HE STILL, EVEN AFTER THAT, DOES SHIT THAT'S MANIPULATIVE. THE 4TH OF JULY PARTY, FOR EXAMPLE. “What she said,” Leo purrs, his fingers fluttering on your stomach as his eyes cut off to the side. He has a sharp look to his features that you’re a bit too drunk to dissect, so you just ignore it. He HAS to be looking at Donnie, here.

(Side note - we still don't know what Leo was doing when Vi was in the shower getting ready for the party... if anything. Maybe he really was eating cookies.)

It's at the end of the party that he smells sex on Vi, I think, for the first time. And the following chapter is when he starts avoiding Vi, and she goes to confront him and he says he's "Thinking about things. About what I want.” And THAT'S when he finally stops his bullshit. Ch 22 - "I stopped. Completely. After we talked in my room.”

---

I'm still working on fully re-reading Chapters 17+ until I make it back up to 22 and putting more thoughts into that post, but. Dear God. Sam is a genius and I'm so angry at myself. I had been so confused and angry with Donnie, when in reality he truly DID NOT KNOW about the misunderstanding between him and Vi. Meanwhile, as I'm fawning over Leo and so happy Vi has him and so grateful he's been such a good friend to her... he was the one using her, this whole time. I cannot believe it. I'm SICK with rage. I can't imagine how Vi could possibly... I can't... FUCK dude

[turtlecleric]

Thinking about blurple symphony au now.

Would au!Leo have admitted the truth to Vi, too? And if he did, would he admit to using her in her sleep without her consent, as well? That's SO MUCH WORSE. I don't see how she could EVER forgive that, but he knows how much she values honesty... if he felt obligated to share the truth to keep being her friend, it would be even more true for him to be her partner, right?

[turtlecleric]

Lately I've been getting caught up in these... little moments. Ruminating on them. Not full scenes, just specific moments and the feelings that go with them. Staring when the other isn't looking. Soft, fond expressions. Touching in a way that no one else is allowed to. The way your heart can reach for a person, even when you don't want it to. Even when it would be easier if it didn't. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

[turtlecleric]

Not to be a filthy fucking degenerate but oh my god

Texting Raph that you want him to come see you after patrol later. Sending teasing messages every so often to get him riled up when you know he's still stuck patrolling. Him coming to your apartment to find you waiting for him, naked on your bed and so high you can barely talk and already wet just from the thought of him and telling him you missed him, you need him, you want him to do whatever he wants with you. And he can barely fucking contain himself. The thought of you waiting, bare and vulnerable, all for him, just for him, but also the thought of how much you trust him, inviting him over and telling him to do whatever he wants when you are barely coherent, when you're quite literally helpless in every sense of the word.............. he loses his mind with how much he loves you, how much you turn him on, how lucky he is. And he's going to make you feel every bit of his love, his appreciation, his devotion. He's going to worship you, ruin you. Take care of you in every way possible. And when you wake up the next morning with hazy vague memories that make you smile, he's still there. Holding you close and kissing you softly and whispering words of praise and adoration and fuck I need to go lie down

[turtlecleric]

Oh my GOD. Imagine Leo. He mentions you in conversation and notices that Donnie gets this soft look on his face. Then Donnie starts glowing and Leo just KNOWS. It clicks for him instantly. And you better believe he's gonna tease the fuck out of Donnie, but he's gonna do it in a way that doesn't make any sense whatsoever to Donnie, who is just. So, so oblivious. Leo starts casually mentioning you more just to see which statements will make Donnie start to glow. He thinks Donnie's confused and slightly frustrated expression every time he suddenly lights up is HILARIOUS until he finds Donnie one night, sitting in his lab and staring at nothing with this blank look on his face, but Leo sees the agony beneath it. And Donnie hasn't been sleeping much, hasn't been eating much, and when Leo asks him if he's okay, in that quiet voice that Leo reserves for those rare moments when they need to be real, when teasing is unfathomable, when his brother is genuinely hurting... Donnie just. Lets it all out.

I can't stop thinking about her. There's this... ache in my chest, all the time. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've tried to just... stay away from her, to put some metaphorical distance between us, but that made it worse. It hurts. Why does it hurt? Why am I feeling like this? It doesn't make any sense. I... it's like I really, really want... something. Something that's right in front of me, but I can't actually have it. Like there's no oxygen, like I'm drowning, but everyone around me is breathing just fine.

And Leo feels so unbelievably bad, poking fun and making it worse when Donnie is so genuinely confused and upset. But he also thinks about you. And the look you get on your face when Donnie touches you or when you say something that makes Donnie smile or even when Leo mentions Donnie in front of you. And he thinks... if he's reading you right, then Donnie actually can have what he wants. He just needs help understanding what he wants in the first place. So he finds a chair and sits across from Donnie, steeling himself for the conversation to come, knowing that it's going to be an incredibly difficult conversation but also knowing it's something he has to do, knowing he can't stand to see that look on Donnie's face any longer. So he takes a deep breath and says, "Alright, Dee. We need to talk."

@turtlecleric

the image of him softly glowing in the dark as the realisation of what you may mean to him is going to send me into orbit.

like why is he warm he's coldblooded!!! what the fuck!!! why is it your voice he hears when he's going about his day. why is he so pleased when you drift towards hims before anyone else??

I'm going to project here but I am SO bad at handling emotions that are outside of my usual base. So the image of him lighting up like a glowstick, at random times throughout the day because he gets you kind of live rent free inside his head (and he doesn't even realise he's pining, he just knows you're a trigger)

I wonder if he'd end up avoiding you for a while because "if they're the trigger, and I distance myself from the trigger, maybe it'll stop???"

oh my god it's getting worse what the fuck

[turtlecleric]

Yes I'm high. Yes I'm running on so little sleep it isn't funny. Yes I've been in a fugue-like state since chapter 22 came out. But I just have to say it again. I'm. So goddamn impressed by Sam. Do people understand how much time and effort and hard, hard work goes into writing at all, much less writing something as incredible as symphony? It's near impossible to fully, truly, 100% understand and appreciate unless you've done it yourself or witnessed the behind-the-scenes of someone else doing it. Do people realize how special this is? We're getting this PHENOMENAL story, written by someone with excellent writing skills, on an incredibly impressively fast update schedule, for FREE. AND we get to interact with the author?! Do y'all understand how special that is? Do y'all get what I'm saying? This is such a privilege, for us to experience all this, for us to be a part of this community. I'm so emotional.

[turtlecleric]

Also. How are they bulletproof, but tranq darts can still pierce their skin in the bay movies???

[turtlecleric]

Huh? What was that? Sorry, I was just thinking about the transformative power of love as evidenced by the sheepdog getting more feral while the wolf gets more domesticated. You know, the image of the two starting out on opposite sides, as different as can be, ready to rip each other to shreds if either touches the lamb that they've decided is theirs vs. the image of the two side by side, now more like one another than they'd ever care to admit due to the very thing they had originally fought each other over, protecting the lamb as a unit. Yeah, sorry, I'm just wondering what kind of force would possibly stare down both the sheepdog and the wolf and take that step toward the lamb anyway, and all I can think of is the shepherd coming for the slaughter. Can you imagine?

Anyway, sorry, sorry, what were you saying again?

[turtlecleric]

Can't sleep. Can't stop thinking about symphony.

---

Leo: “She wasn’t part of the family!”

Donnie: “Says who? You? You’re the only one who gets to decide? What about the rest of us? Maybe we thought she was!”

This fucking... wording. We thought she was. Not she was. We thought she was. Not she is. I'm not knocking Donnie, I'm just pointing this out. This wording would devastate me.

Donnie: "You sure were quick to drool all over her and use her as a pillow though, huh? Or is that something people do with strangers, now? Lending them clothes when they get wet? Checking up on them when they don’t text quickly enough? Portalling over just for a little bit only to be gone for hours at a time?"

This confirms that Donnie 100% noticed all the little things Leo was doing. Do you think that bolstered Leo in the moment? A sick vindication that he really was getting to Donnie?

Vi: “No more—No more turtles, no more sewer trips, no more fake friendship, fake family! I’m not some doll you can just—I’m tired of—of all of you just—! Just—leave me alone! Leave me alone. All of you.”

Fake family is killing me. It's KILLING ME. She wanted a family so, so, so badly. To be accepted and loved and cared for and she was so consistently good and kind to every single one of them, and everything, everything, everything is so tainted. Ruined. Even Mikey and Raph, who have quite literally done nothing wrong - their friendship is tied to what's happened by association. I can't. I'm just. I would do anything. Anything. To know what happened, what was said, between the family after Vi left. I'm sick to my stomach over this.

[turtlecleric]

I think hearing the sound of Mikey's chucks slamming into a bad guy's jaw irl would fix me

[turtlecleric]

Yeah no I'm not fucking done.

Can we talk about how Vi truly cannot catch a fucking BREAK? She is established from chapter one as a deeply lonely person. She's a workaholic with no real support system (and possibly past trauma!!!). Then she finds the fam, which is excellent, but... she works so hard to be useful and helpful and liked (just ONE example - the sheer amount of cookies and bread she's made for them), she gets stressed over keeping secrets once the touch thing starts, constantly worries about the boys/Casey, gets SHOT AT, gets emotionally destroyed by Casey's lavender mask/future Donnie info, feels like she isn't doing enough despite helping literally everyone all the time, getting roped into helping her elderly neighbor multiple times (even going to the hospital with her - that is SO emotionally draining), then realizing that her relationship wasn't what she thought it was, then a bomb going off at the concert while she's still reeling from realizing the miscommunication, then the hard conversation with Donnie, followed IMMEDIATELY by the thing with LEO... we see her struggling more and more as time goes on, often not even realizing how affected she really is by certain things that have happened, and I am SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT HER????

[turtlecleric]

Which brother do you think left the tag at the docks in the first bay movie 🤔 I don't know why this is sticking in my mind but. I wanna know lol

[turtlecleric]

Sorry two more things.

Remember when Leo was sort of rough with Vi (for example, shoving her to the floor and pushing her through his portal to Donnie's lab)? I had wondered if that was a little bit of his anger and frustration shining through, but now I'm thinking about how in the rise series Leo says something during the battle nexus new york part about how 'physical comedy is always funny' or something like that and... do you think he felt some sort of dark amusement, a sort of cruel humor when he did stuff like that?

Second thing. Vi is so patient. So kind. Puts up with a lot. She pretty much never gets mad for her own sake, always giving, giving, giving. Yeah we see her irritated, we see her upset and frustrated. But true rage? No. Not for herself, at least. I'm thinking about Leo's shocked face when she threw the melon. What he's thinking when he sees her so angry for the first time. What he's feeling when she tells all of them to leave her alone, ALL of them, not just Leo. Not only did he ruin his own relationship with her, he ruined everyone's relationship with her. He ruined... her.

[turtlecleric]

I'm so mad. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do with myself.

[turtlecleric]

03!TMNT really be traumatizing Donnie over and over again... SAINW, Good Genes, and now at the beginning of season seven with him blaming himself for [redacted]... this poor boy.

[turtlecleric]

Finally finished my long post where I reread symphony after Chapter 20. I'm looking over my notes from before I read 22, and:

Oh, Cleric. You stupid fucking moron. You absolute buffoon.