I’m actually serious about this, if at all possible, right now is a very good time to request queer books from your local library. Whether they get them or not is not in your control, but it is so important to show that there is a desire for queer books. I will also say getting more queer books in libraries and supporting queer authors are pretty fantastic byproducts of any action.
This isn’t something everyone can do, but please do see if you are one of the people who has the privilege to engage in this form of activism, and if you are, leverage that privilege for all you’re worth.
For anyone who can’t think of a queer book to request, here is a little list of some queer books that I think are underrated and might not be in circulation even at larger libraries:
Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown
Silver Under Nightfall by Rin Chupeco
Harvard's Secret Court: The Savage 1920 Purge of Campus Homosexuals by William Wright
The Perks of Loving a Wallflower by Erica Ridley
God Themselves by Jae Nichelle
IRL by Tommy Pico
The Pink Line: Journeys Across the World's Queer Frontiers by Mark Gevisser
Passing Strange by Ellen Klages
The New Queer Conscience by Adam Eli
Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl's Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom
Queering the Tarot by Cassandra Snow
Wash Day Diaries by Jamila Rowser
Queer Magic: Lgbt+ Spirituality and Culture from Around the World by Tomás Prower
Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender by Kit Heyam
Beyond the Pale by Elana Dykewomon
Hi Honey, I'm Homo! by Matt Baume
The Deep by Rivers Solomon
Homie: Poems by Danez Smith
The Secret Life of Church Ladies by Deesha Philyaw
The Companion by E.E. Ottoman
Kapaemahu by Dean Hamer, Joe Wilson, Hinaleimoana Wong-Kalu
Sacrament of Bodies by Romeo Oriogun
Witching Moon by Poppy Woods
Tell Me I'm Worthless by Alison Rumfitt
Dead Collections by Isaac Fellman
Disintegrate/Dissociate by Arielle Twist
Dear Senthuran: A Black Spirit Memoir by Akwaeke Emezi
Peaches and Honey by Imogen Markwell-Tweed
Nepantla: An Anthology Dedicated to Queer Poets of Color by Christopher Soto
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selfishly, i love you | eleventh doctor
PAIRING — eleventh doctor x fem!reader
SUMMARY — after two years of being burdened with love for the doctor, you make the choice to leave him behind.
WARNINGS — angst
WORD COUNT — 1,818
NOTES — matt smith i will always love you
masterlist | navigation
You weren’t sure what hurt more — your utterly unrequited love for the Doctor, or the fact that you were leaving him behind.
After years of waiting, of being his companion and seeing every corner of time and space with him, you were finally choosing to leave his impossibly addicting lifestyle behind.
Oddly enough, it was such a trivial thing that brought you to the decision.
Visiting the future was always a tricky thing; rarely did the Doctor get the timing correct. This was one of the few times that he had, on a trip that was just for you and him. No Rory, River, or Amy. Just the pair of you, exploring New New London in all of its intergalactic, interspecies glory.
It was a treasure, seeing glimpses of a world that would only come to fruition after you’d be long gone. You think that’s why you loved travelling with the Doctor as much as you did. To know that despite everything, the world wouldn’t end when you eventually died. That no matter how bad the trivial things seemed in the smaller picture of your life, the world would keep on going.
You’d been wandering a food market together when it happened, taking in the bustle of people as vendors displayed all sorts of things — clothes, food, anything your heart wanted.
“Doctor, look!” You pointed excitedly at one of the market stalls. “They’ve got those candies! The three berry ones that I’ve been looking for!”
The Doctor shared a smile with you as you dragged him by the sleeve of his tweed coat over to the market stall.
Excitedly, you pointed at the bag of candies. “How much?”
“Four credits a bag, or two bags for seven credits,” the older man said, rather gruffly, despite the smile on his face.
The Doctor transferred enough credits for you to take four bags of candies, and you thanked both him and the vendor profusely as you pocketed your bags.
“You know,” the vendor grunted, “you two remind me of myself, when I was young. With my wife.”
Before you had a chance to open your mouth, the Doctor scoffed in disbelief. “Wh- us?” He nearly laughed. “We’re not- no, sir! We’re just friends, that’s all. Yes, friends.”
You could feel your heart cracking in your chest, as it usually did. You were surprised there was anything left of it now, considering how many times the Doctor had unknowingly shot you down.
“Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.” You muttered, voice cracking as the Doctor moved on promptly. Your chest ached at the pitiful nod the vendor gave you, delivering another blow to your battered heart.
That was all it was. A comment from an unsuspecting street vendor, and the well-intended, panicked response from the Doctor.
Upon returning to the TARDIS later that evening, you walked past the control panel and toward your room without a word.
“Wha- Y/n!” The Doctor called out, likely in the middle of a one-sided conversation with you. “Where are you going?! We still have to decide where to go next!”
“To my room, Doctor.” You shouted back, climbing the stairs. “I want to go home.”
You paid the Doctor no mind as he made a noise of protest, but didn’t follow you as you headed into one of the hallways. The TARDIS materialised the door to your room, decorated with stickers and polaroids of yourself, the Doctor, and your other friends, from travels over the past two years.
With a shaking sigh, you pulled the pictures down and walked into your room with them in hand, tossing them onto the bedside table.
You dropped onto the side of the bed, shoulders rounded and sagging with the weight of your own mind. Replaying the moment with the vendor caused you nothing but pain, but your mind seemed to make the decision for you, displaying it on a cinema screen for you to pick apart and torture yourself with.
It felt like hours of you doing only that; letting your mind wander, overthink the scenario and digging up long forgotten ones that all pointed to the same conclusion — you loved the Doctor, more than you could bear handling. And he didn’t love you at all.
Of course, that wasn’t entirely true. He did love you, he’d said it himself. But he always followed up the word ‘love’ with ‘family’ or ‘friend’. He loved you the same way he loved Rory and Amy, as a member of his makeshift little family.
Even though the Doctor had given you his love, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the right kind of love.
Selfishly, you wanted more. You wanted him, in a way many companions had before, and in a way none of them had ever achieved. At some point, even Amy had wanted him that way. How could she not? The Doctor was entirely irresistible.
But you knew you could never have him. If today was any marker of how he felt, then your paths ahead were simple: either stay and live with the pain that slowly chipped away at your heart, or leave the Doctor and his radiance behind in the hopes that one day, you’d be able to move on and live a life that resembled everyone else’s.
Surprisingly, the Doctor had left you alone during your time of contemplation. Typically, if he was alone for too long, he’d grow restless and come knocking on your door (or, more commonly, walking into your room unannounced) to talk to you about anything that was occupying his mind.
Once you’d decided, it didn’t take you long to pack up your room.
The polaroids were tucked neatly into an old leather suitcase, one that was probably stolen from the 1950s. Your clothes and trinkets — all of which were souvenirs from past travels — fit neatly into the main compartment, and suddenly, within fifteen minutes, your entire life was packed neatly into a single leather case, ready to be carried away to God knows where.
Your heart ached at the thought. At the reality that, for your own good, this life would be no more. No more hot cocoa and tea with the Doctor, no more karaoke with Rory. No more exploring alien planets with Amy, disregarding the Doctor’s cautious instructions. No more admiring River’s bravery.
No more adventure. Just the trials of an average life on an average planet as an average human. And while you lived for the days you spent with the Doctor, you weren’t sure you’d be able to go on living with him.
With the love you carried for him.
Taking a deep breath, you held the suitcase with one hand, and opened the door of your room with the other.
It seemed, as you stepped into the corridor, that the TARDIS had put your room further back than it had materialised it in the first place. You were forced to walk the halls, footsteps echoing in your ears as you soaked in your surroundings for a final time.
When you entered the control room, the Doctor was flipping switches frantically, talking to you without looking.
“Finally! You’ve come out of your room!” He exclaimed. “Look, I was thinking I’d take you to that planet I was talking to you about, with the cats and talking cars and two-headed people. Sounds like it’d make for an interesting visit, no?”
“Doctor,” you called out from the top of the steps, quietly.
“Or!” He shouted again, moving about the console. “I could take you to see the Roman Empire! You’ve talked a lot about that one before-” the Doctor looked up from the console to find you with your bag in hand. He pointed to it, eyes gleaming. “What’s that for?”
“I want to go home, Doctor.” You said, chest bubbling with emotion. “Please, just take me home.”
“Why?” He asked, wringing his hands.
You exhaled a sigh, dropping your head. There was no way for you to be able to explain it. “Because, Doctor. I’m tired.”
“But there’s a bed in your room, you can sleep in there, can’t you?” The Doctor asked.
Descending the steps, you shook your head. “It’s not that kind of tired. I can’t just sleep it off. It’s been wearing me down inside for a long time, and it won’t go away if I stay.”
“What d’you mean?” Worry pooled in the Doctor’s eyes. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine, Doctor.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile, one you knew he would see right through. But you didn’t have the energy to try convincing him any further. “I just need to go home.”
The Doctor nodded, solemnly, before pressing a few buttons on the console beside you, eyes barely leaving yours. The TARDIS whirred, bringing you back to your home.
Within minutes, you were there. In your small backyard, leading up to the back porch door of your small townhouse. Where you’d be alone.
You opened the door, and stepped outside. The Doctor followed you, catching your wrist and turning you to face him.
“Doctor, please,” you pleaded. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what, Y/n?” He asked. “I’m going to come back ‘round later, okay? Maybe when you’re feeling better we can go see that planet I was talking about.”
Tears swelled in your eyes, blurring your view of the Doctor. Misty rain coated your hair and clothes, because of course it had to be raining. You shook your head solemnly, a shaking breath wracking your body.
“I’m not coming back, Doctor. I can’t.” You told him, voice cracking and wavering. “It’ll hurt too much.”
“What are you talking about, Y/n?” The Doctor’s voice cracked with worry. “What’s going on?”
You gingerly put your suitcase down, stepping closer to the Doctor and cupping his jaw with your hands as the rain began to set in. “You are the most brilliant person I’ve ever known, Doctor. You’ve shown me so much, more than I ever thought I’d see in my lifetime. But I can’t continue being with you. Because I love you, more than life itself. Wholly and selfishly, I love you, Doctor. And I know you don’t love me, so I have to leave. If I don’t leave, It’ll destroy me.”
“But I-I do, Y/n,” the Doctor shook his head. “I do love you.”
“As a friend, Doctor.” You reminded him. “And I’m sorry, truly, but it’s just not enough.”
Your tears fell freely as you let go of the Doctor’s face, stepping back and picking your suitcase back up. Solemnly, you smiled and said, “See you later, Doctor. Don’t do anything stupid.”
The Doctor only nodded, watching you disappear back into your home.
If only he could bring himself to chase after you and find some sort of way to get you back. But even he knew it wouldn’t work. It had been your choice, after all. And who was he to ignore that?
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