#u get me i want to put the 3 of them in a beaker and run experiments and observe and collect data and | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

itsclownhours · 5 years ago

Conversation

merlin as tumblr posts again because when i edited a typo in the original it fucked up the formatting

everyone: you have to make time for yourself

morgana: *stays up until 1 am every night crying* me time

morgana: ohhhh so the pain is forever and endless i get it now

young!mordred: once i learn how to read and write it’s over for you hoes

lancelot, in cursive: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: what does this say

elyan: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: bitch me neither that’s why i asked

arthur, to merlin, about lancelot: is he...y’know…*gestures downard to super hell*

uther, straight: hey what’s up guys do you want to go get some food

arthur and morgana, gay: ??????

uther: oh sorry i mean asgdhjdhs guys do you??? want some food??? lmao ashdjdjhs

arthur and morgana: oh! agshdjjshsj yeah lmao agshdj

morgana: do you ever associate the word “girlfriend” with wlw so much that you forget straight boys have girlfriends

gwen: am taking care of a tiny kitten. have given it an excellent name. dad thinks i’m calling her “minty” but this is actually short for The Government

gwen: The Government bit my finger and pooped on the floor

gwaine: peak art is when you were like six and you scribbled all over ms paint and then carefully paintbucketed in all the different shapes in the scribbles to make “stained glass”

morgause: forcing my car to commit sins so it goes to hell with me when i die

leon, after arthur gives the knights a pep talk: so motivational...time to drill a hole in my skull

morgana: i want to be a she really did that!! kind of girl but i don’t do anything

arthur: pros and cons of being my friend:

arthur: pro: you have a friend

arthur: con: it’s me

gwaine, to lancelot: bro let’s watch a horror movie together...bro you look scared do you wanna share a blanket dude? if you wanna hold hands it’s ok. if you wanna rest your head on my shoulder it’s alright bro...bro if you wanna kiss that’s understandable that was a scary movie...we can keep cuddling after the movie is over it’s alright dude…

lancelot: old town road but he just keeps listing all the places he has horses

gwaine: i got the horses in the back

gwaine: horses on the track

gwaine: horses in the shack and i got horses fetching snacks

gwaine: i got the horses in earth’s core

gwaine: down under the floor

gwaine: horses in the store and i got horses on the moor

gwaine: died and came back as a cowboy i call that reintarnation

morgana: *shows up at college* excuse me will someone please direct me to the leftist brainwashing class? i’m here for the leftist brainwashing class

merlin: finally found someone i was more disappointed in that myself: the entirety of america camelot

morgause: customer (derogatory)

arthur: business major (derogatory)

leon: leonardo dicaprio date a woman over 25 challenge

gwaine: thought that said “leonardo da vinci” and was confused since da vinci was gay and also since you were calling out someone who’s been dead for well over 7 years

leon: well. da vinci has been well over 7 years, i’ll give you that

morgana: the retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. i’ve had enough

gwaine: i’m fucking in luigi’s mansion

leon: who?

gwaine: some italian freak

gwaine: oh you meant who am i fucking. your mom

leon: stop setting things on fire because you’re curious about what will happen. what will happen is fire

gwaine: but what if...something else happens. just this 1 time

morgause: bored? burn an orphan. who’re they gonna tell? their parents?

morgana: due to personal reasons i will be a serial arsonist

mithian: fruit (affectionate)

arthur: going to the fruit (derogatory) store do you want anything

gwen: fruit (salad, yummy yummy)

morgana, to gwen: i’m allergic to hookup culture and too weird to participate anyway. die in my arms

kilgharrah: i am fast and full of teeth. i will die in a barn fire

morgana: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana: evil again

morgause: every day i put on my evil little clothes and do my evil little tasks

percival: megan thee stallion and timothee chalamet are the same age

gwaine: megan thee stallion 🤝 timo thee chalamet

morgana: hey how many swords do you have

morgause: sword of a lot

morgana: blocked

morgause: parried

morgana and gwen simultaneously in 1x10: *chanting* girls with swords girls with swords

morgana: the more knives you have the more valid you are

kilgharrah: blocked. blocked. blocked. you’re all blocked. none of you are free from sin.

morgana: seven deadly sins speedrun

gwaine: i want 6 pet sloths so i can name them after every sin except for sloth

merlin: the eighth deadly sin is networking

arthur: online school culture is constantly wondering if there’s a sneaky little assignment you missed...is it tucked under modules or assignments or heaven forbid, announcements? who’s to say?

gaius: asynchronous learning

merlin, a clown: mmmnaptime

arthur: have you ever just cried because you’re you

elyan, to percival: bro, we are teens . it’s ok to cry around me . i’m your best friend . i love you … bro we are kissing now … no don’t stop bro … bro …

morgana: mad bc i was told as the bride my wedding would be “my day” but actually where will be a whole other bride there and we will have to share it

leon: i’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s about a gender i already know about, what kind of reveal is that

leon: gender reveal party??? no, this is a gender repeal party. we out here revoking genders

gwaine: you’re laughing. i asked you who sings party rock anthem and you’re laughing

gwaine: make no mistake not only am i party rocking but i’m also in the house tonight

elyan: are you shuffling?

gwaine: everyday

morgana: lung extensions

morgana: with extended lungs you can: scream longer, breathe harder, brag about extended lungs

morgana: this procedure is not legal but i will do it for you

morgana: do not tell the police or morgause

morgana: i’m so sick of dna, i’m going to have all mine removed

morgause: good news! this is a real thing that can happen to you

morgana: perfect, sign me up

morgana: if YOU die because i poisoned you...how is that MY fault like i’m sorry you aren’t immune to my poisons i think that’s genuinely something you need to work on. fix yourself before blaming others

arthur: my body is NOT a “temple”...it is a CLOWN CAR and NONE OF THESE BITCHES KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

morgause: live

morgause: laugh

morgause: l u r k

mcdonald’s employee: please sir get off the table

gwaine: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES *dumping bag of fried out onto the floor* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKEN LITTLE ONES

merlin: i relate to vampires because i too must be clearly and specifically invited in before i have the audacity to try to participate in anything

gwaine: it can’t be september, just yesterday is was marchgustuary

lancelot: today’s date: [REDACTED]/[REDACTED]/20

gwaine: why are internet friends not normalized. it’s 2020 they’re probably making robots that will wipe your ass for you and i can’t text grace in the uk and tell her to have a good day? fuck you

percival: imagine if halsey was in beauty and the beast

elyan: are you insane like gaston. been in pain like gaston. bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like gaston

arthur: my dad is learning about pronouns/gender identity and he called me in the middle of the night to tell me he is cis

merlin: ough. those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. maybe the next one will be better

morgana: i’m at the dark candy store, buying sorrowful ranchers

merlin: i’m surprised no one has ever punched me in the face

gwen: i want a gf so i can send her memes about loving my gf

morgause: oh to cook with my wife and stand directly in front of cabinets and drawers she needs to open

morgause: decided i will no longer be paying taxes. what are they gonna do, tax me more? go ahead. i won’t pay those either. oh i’m going to prison? the one paid for by my tax dollars? sorry, didn’t pay em. now there is no prison. i am at least 3 steps ahead of the government at all times

merlin: lab safety but the teacher just wants to you die

merlin: lab safety: 1. drink whatever’s in that beaker. i know you fucking want to

morgause: my therapist is selling her house so i’m gonna find the listing online and make her living room my zoom backgrounds before our next session. you wanna get in my head? ok well i’m in your home babe. i’m in charge now

morgana: yeah i see why you’re in therapy

morgana: i hate it when people ask me to “explain my thought process” like hell if i know

morgana: what’s going on in that head of yours?” nothing i want to be a part of

mordred: hey girls what’s the hot gossip what’s new what’s the 411

morgana and morgause: everything is bad and getting worse by the day

morgause: common letter greetings from 1889

morgause: dearest my-soon-to-be-enemy

morgause: salutations and i hope you enjoy contact prison

morgause: i hope this letter finds you in a ditch

arthur: *highlights all the wrong and unimportant stuff with full confidence*

merlin: i’ve tried opening my mouth and saying words before and i’ve gotta say, i’m not a fan

morgana: a large group of humans is called a fuck that

website: synonyms for blood: juice

mithian: thank you thesaurus.com, that is absolutely not what i was looking for

gwaine: gen z humor was single-handedly cultivated by the zoo wee mama comic and you can’t convince me otherwise

morgana: screw this it’s halloween now *turns into a swarm of bats them consumes the moon*

morgana: i can’t believe the heterosexuals are gone. they’re gone

uther: we’re still here

arthur: who said that

gwaine: no more france

gwaine: society has progressed passed the need for france

morgause: girls night out (of body experience)

morgana, to morgause: what do you mean “what have i been up to”...i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch

merlin: stop complaining about your life. there are literally people living in camelot

arthur, trying to find new knights: oh so you’re a human? name three pictures with traffic lights in them

gwaine: we mcfreaking lost her doctor

morgause: looking for a wife in the walmart

morgause: arrested for visiting www.killing.com/murder

gwaine, to merlin: no bro this isn’t a date listen bro

gwaine: it’s bruhnch

morgause, to cenred: if you think i’m not interested, you’re right

gwen: put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe

morgana: idk what mad scientist needs to hear this today but your goggles and lab coat are incredibly flattering and all your experiments will block away the scientific community who called you a fool

morgause: i’m gonna fucking die disease

morgause: symptoms: back hurts a bit too much for a bit too long

arthur: if you think i’m annoying now wait until i get over my fear of being perceived as annoying

merlin: sorry if i’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

gwaine: home depot needs more small tunnels for me to crawl through tbh

percival: hot tip: soup is customizable! go wild but know your limits

morgana: brains say “i know a spot” and take you to a traumatic memory from 2011

mithian: “can you multitask” yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time

morgana: quarantine schedule to keep you on track

morgana: wake up

morgana: neglect online school

morgana: yearn (ongoing project)

morgana: again!

mithian: if cats don’t want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn’t be roughly the size and shape of little babies

morgause: fuck this pandemic i could’ve ruined 2020 on my own

morgana: a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

morgana: oh to wear a knife strapped against my thigh beneath a silk dress

morgana, running off with morgause at the end of season 2: i hate this place i want to go to build a bear

morgana, at work: i’m evil

morgana, 1 second after clocking out: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana, the next day at work: evil again

season 2 morgana: i am fine thank you for asking! though recently there has been a darkness growing within me

morgause: *thinks about love* okay well i am just losing my mind and being insane now

arthur: you think you can hurt my feelings? i’ve been the least favorite in every single friendship group i’ve had since i was 8

morgana, staring out the window at arthur and merlin: look at them plotting my downfall

mithian: i wanna buy clown noses in bulk and start sticking them on every person i see whose mask is pulled too low

mithian: oh to be a tiny cat whose biggest concern is the looming threat of being gently picked up and kissed on the head

morgana: i deserve to be kissed

morgana: did you have a homoerotic friendship with a girl in high school that ended in tragedy and you two are never talking again or are you normal?

mithian: just diagnosed with forehead kiss deficiency :/

morgana: i think i’ll continue to wear a mask when this shit’s all over, and huge sunglasses. my face is none of your business

morgause: my therapist told me that sometimes when a person consumes the same piece of media over and over they may be unconsciously coping with a mental block so now i’m trying to figure out what the fuck i was going through that made me watch ratatouille 8 times a day for a solid month in middle school

morgause: opposite of depression nap. depression awakeness. refreshing the same three websites over and over. there’s nothing new on any of them. eight seconds have passed and it feels like a century

morgana: very homophobic that my head is not laying on the chest of my maidservant as i am drifting off to sleep

merlin: no no, it’s fine, i’ll text myself back

morgana: *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns*

arthur: i’d have to be a fool not to? being a fool and not doing things are my top two activities

gwaine: you think it’s easy to be me? you think it’s easy to get up every. single. day. and be an industrial grade dumbass? well it’s not. but that’s what i do. and i’ll never stop.

morgana: ah shit i’m sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked

sunday: yearn

monday: pine

tuesday: long

wednesday: ache

thursday: sigh

friday: lament

saturday: crave

morgana: talents include: being a public menace, denying God’s will, petting dogs, yearning, being dramatic, witchcraft, quoting classic literature when no one asked, napping, befriending a murder of crows, being gay, covering up my emotions by being “the funny friend” when in reality i’m really going through it, wistfully staring out the car window

merlin: *doesn’t even do the bare minimum* all in a day’s work

cenred: a “period” is not an excuse to have an attitude

morgause: i miss the times when men would go to war and die

morgana: the cheap halloween vampire fangs stay ON during sex

gwen: maybe i pspspspsp’ed you because i love you. did you think of that? huh?

morgana: mom said it’s my turn to hand out the ominous and vague warnings

arthur: that wasn’t mom

uther: she JUST SAID it was her turn

morgause: i’m a chill person but if my back doesn’t stop hurting i’m going to take out my spine and beat God with it

mithian: one of these days i’m going to say the f word

mithian: then you’ll all be sorry

morgause: 3 words every girl wants to hear

morgause: club penguin membership

morgana: hmm, yes.

morgana: time to s i p

morgana: some *~crispy~*

morgana: d i h y d r o g e n m o n o x i d e

morgause: roll call! raise your hand if you’re in the following fandoms:

morgause: 1. suffering 2. the pain of living

morgana: *raises both hands and a leg*

leon: it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

merlin: yeah bro hit me up and we’ll cancel some plans sometime

morgana: my brain, or as i like to call it, the suffer contraption

morgause: my circle so small i almost cut myself off

morgause hyping herself up before entering any public area: i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal

arthur: today in french we learned how to say “what’s in the bag” and i couldn’t stop laughing because

arthur: swaggity swag qu’est-ce qui dans le sac

merlin: even when i am not speaking, know that horrible sentences are raging within me

mithian in 5x04: sorry bro i can’t go out tonight. i’m stuck in an eternal state of melancholy

morgause: shower gel label: immerse yourself in this new “Me Time” luxury frooty tooty. abandon all sense of identity and dissolve your memories into this soothing chemical broth. one billion melons are in this tube...use them wisely

leon, writing a headline about the most recent knights’ mission: local dumbasses knew that what they were getting themselves into and did it anyways

morgana: *feels random pain in body*

morgana: kill me

mithian: *slowly inches closer to your pet*

morgause: *refuses to look at texts* i love conversation and communication

arthur: cute gender neutral things to call your partner

arthur: significant annoyance

leon: the most unrealistic fantasy trope is the one where half of the pair works in some sort of shop and one is a customer because i have literally never thought about a customer with anything other than contempt

gwaine: why is everyone talking about 1d all of a sudden did one of them die

elyan: they’re 10 years old now

gwaine: i wish them luck 4th grade is tough!!

gwaine: must i pursue a career? is it not enough to be passionate about tv shows and snack foods?

leon, aroace: cool date idea: me eating oatmeal by myself

morgana: i have no self of steam

gwaine: i hate wearing a mask. i miss being able to gently kiss my trader joe’s cashier on the lips after they ring up my $8 box of blueberries

morgana: committing acts of violence today…*pushes morgause’s glass of water off the counter*

gwaine: mario will do anything to put a smile on your face

morgana: haha we get along so well...our brains just work the same way

morgause, after changing her entire personality to match morgana’s after analyzing the way she talks and texts: haha yeah it’s incredible

gwaine: covered in sauce, trembling

arthur: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*

arthur: you know what i mean :/

[online]

morgana: *screenshots things her girlfriend said to her so she can read it again later* yeah i’m not gay

uther: dude no offence i don’t want to sound like an sjw or anything but if you have a girlfriend you’re straight. that’s just how it works

morgana: i’m a girl

uther: what the fuck

morgana: the second you say “family group chat” i know we are not the same

gwen: what if early in the morning after buying groceries we got caught in the rain and i used my jacket to cover your head ut we still got soaked and we made a fire at home and brewed tea and sat together watching the rain as our cats hid under our feets at each sound of thunder and we ate stew for dinner and watched tv until we fell asleep on the couch with your head resting on my shoulder

gwaine, to percival: hold my hand bro we’re crossing the street

percival: imageine if we all just started ignoring celebrities though

percival: i can’t stop thinking about how funny this would be. imagine kyie jenner posting a selfie and it gets 12 likes

morgana: this isn’t fun anymore i need a kiss

morgause at 1159 pm: life’s great lol

morgause at 1201 am: does anyone really know me? most importantly do i really know me? what if life doesn’t get better than this?

merlin: king i needbfjdjgnjfg qldkr snmsmdjgjt ….. .. i need--fjrjkrhgphpqn dd

arthur: huh *dunks merlin’s head back underwater*

morgana: i don’t go to therapy or take any pills i just rawdog life and let my brain turn into soup

mordred: dark emails

morgause: to whom it WILL concern

morgana: now that this email has found you

gwaine: hi waiter could i get the spaghetti i promise i’ll behave this time

merlin: the sexiest thing about me? everything hurts my feelings

gwaine: how is sex fun if i have to remove my crocs to have it

elyan: if he makes you remove your crocs for sex he isn’t the one

morgause: a motherfucker could use an embrace

morgana: every night after 10pm my feelings start crawling out, starved, as i beat them with a moderately large stick vigorously hissing “stay back” until i inevitably fall asleep

fanfiction: there’s only one room available…

morgause, who specifically chose a rated m and explicit story: oh my gosh there’s only one room they’re gonna share a bed what’s gonna happen next

morgana: i can have a little unrealistic romantic fantasy. as a treat

arthur: some of y’all weren’t asked out as a joke in middle school and it shows

morgana: how is everyone doing. i’ll go first i’m doing badly

morgana: being a kid was so fucking funny we’d just go around lying to each other’s faces constantly to impress each other one of the knights told me he was the first person to visit the sun and when i asked him what it was like to prove he was lying he said he didn’t remember because they sent him there when he was a baby and to this day the mental image of nasa launching an unsupervised baby into the sun still makes me crack up

elyan: do you wish you were seeing somebody

leon: a therapist

morgause: when you see someone from high school and they don’t recognize you that’s the exact opposite of the mortifying ordeal of being known. the gratifying relief of being forgotten

[texting]

morgana: you seem hard to kill

morgause: aw thank you

morgause: i haven’t been killed yet

morgana: to your knowledge

morgause: what

morgana: just truly bonkers how much i love lying down……..like being horizontal? Unparalleled

arthur: when i was younger i really thought that piranhas were going to be a bigger issue for me than they’ve turned out to be

morgause: filling out the depression and anxiety checkboxes at the doctors is always so sad but also very very funny

morgause: i am handed a piece of paper. i check off a box that says “every day i wish i were dead”. i hand back the paper. the paper and its contents are never again discussed.

morgana: unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, i cannot just “walk up and join the circle of people talking”, but it does sound lovely thank you

morgana: if california is so expensive why don’t you move to somewhere like ohio

morgause: full offense but i’d rather be dead in california than alive in ohio

morgause: ugly and uninspiring--review of ohio

morgana: staying up late not even fun anymore it’s just sad

morgause: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :)

morgause’s brain: except for you

morgause: except for me :)

mithian: please peer pressure me into finishing projects

merlin: do it or you’re straight

mithian: i said peer pressure not threaten

morgause: the year is 2030. bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. the uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. i go to hug my wife for comfort. she is cake.

morgause: i sob in despair as i eat my cake wife. she is delicious

gwen: do ladies love stupid men or do they just love men who don’t exhaust every opportunity to feel smart

gwen: “i used to think that melancholy was a vegetable” that’s incredible, let’s hang out more

morgause: basically i accidentally listened to a song a few years ago and it led to this

morgana: *desperately tries to romanticise her homework*

uther: do i have to be pretty? is it not enough to simply be the loudest person in the room with the worst opinions

morgana: oh i can’t possibly study, i have allotted the next six hours to yearning vaguely

morgause: allow me to de-introduce myself

morgause: my name is [redacted]

arthur: i have no good posts today i’m sorry guys

merlin: haha “today”

mordred: “do we perhaps use magic because we were bullied and needed blah blah special interest blah blah” shut the FUCK up i use magic to see my anime husband’s big fucking honkers. sorry you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: i came here to bully people

mordred: is it because you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: no it’s because i’m deranged

mithian: pretty sure seven deadly sins is a bit excessive

mithian: just combine wrath and gluttony and make hangry

mithian: sloth and pride make Bottoming

morgana: despicable me ruined the word minion whenever i become a supervillain i’m just going to have to call them my homies or whatever

gwen: as a bisexual i am attracted to lanky boys with dark hair, girls who look like they could kill me, and anyone wearing vampire teeth

morgana: if someone tried to assassinate me that would make me feel so important and valued and beloved

gwaine: turn down for whom?

mithian: fact: usage of the word “the” has begun to decline. this is because as more and more people become educated, usage of the word “thoum’st” has become more common.

morgana, kidnapping mithian in 5x04: truth or dare? uhhh i dare you to………………………………..fall in love with me. haha i’m just joking bro………………..unless…………………………?

gwaine: my thoughts are like a clearance sale

gwaine: once it’s gone it’s gone

morgana: *pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce” specifically to piss off morgause*

gwaine: do you prefer women or men?

leon: death

morgause: honestly no offense but i love falling asleep and sleeping. it’s like. ok goodnight

morgause: ngl it’s kinda difficult to be the moody and mysterious background character in everyone’s life when you’re quarantined at home

morgause: i need to get laid

morgause: --to rest. put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend

gwaine: it takes a lot of heart to be this stupid

gwaine: it takes real strength not to know shit about fuck

elyan: what’s your favorite anime?

leon: i’m a christian

arthur: just bought this tapeworm from etsy!

lancelot: where are you gonna keep it

arthur: :)

merlin: i don’t like this conversion very much

gwaine: i’m home alone with the tv repair man

gwaine: i’m no fool, there are only two possible outcomes of this scenario

gwaine: porn or murder

gwaine, an hour later: apparently there was an unforeseen third outcome where he fixes the tv and then leaves

morgause: well tomorrow fucking sucked

morgana: dark brunch

morgana: *mixes a mimosa with evil intent*

morgause: this is just what being gay is like

gwaine: movie idea: guy finds a stone tablet engraved with a mysterious alien language and gets caught up in a national treasure-esque adventure to decipher its meaning, only to learn that it’s just an alien “live laugh love” decoration

arthur: sorry i didn’t mean to open your ig story 20 seconds after you posted i’m just unemployed

arthur: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgana: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

cenred: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgause: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

morgana: wow would you look at that. it’s already that time of the night where i move the stuff on my bed to my chair. can’t wait until tomorrow when i move the stuff from my chair back onto my bed

gwaine: hi i’m bethany with girl defined ministry and today we are going to be talking about how to stan my chemical romance in a God-honoring way

morgana: bottom: ,,, !!! ;;; vers: …. top: no punctuation whatsoever

morgause: tops are illiterate

morgause: i slept for almost 12 hours but i might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case

morgana: morgause that’s a coma

morgause: sounds festive

mithian: i am a simple woman. i enter the kitchen. i eat four servings of bread products. i leave.

gwaine: it’s one serving if you serve all of it to yourself

mithian: i like the way you think, friend

gwaine: spencer from icarly and rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid are on the opposite ends of the same spectrum

elyan: the gay older brother scale

merlin: i found a rock :)

merlin: my troubles will soon be over

gwaine: parasite (2019) dir. bong joon ho

percival: uncut gems (2019) dir. josh and benny safdie

elyan: cain

morgana: social distancing is okay for me bc i’ve been touch starved since the 15th century. i’m used to it

mithian: fanfiction hits different when you’re gay and yearning and haven’t experienced an ounce of romance in your life

morgause: callout for rude baby seen at grocery store

morgause: i’m calling out a baby (approximately 12-14 months old) from the grocery store due to its rudeness. i’m guessing its age based on appearance, motor skills (atrocious) and whatnot. anyway, i smiled at this baby and it just stared at me. as soon as i began to move on, though, the baby said “no!” and started giggling when i turned back around. this happened multiple times. the baby’s actions were toxic and manipulative. the baby was also manhandling a package of dried fruit which wasn’t yet paid for (quite minor) and was just generally sitting around and not helping

gwen: we need to melt down all the pennies and make the statue of liberty a girlfriend

morgause: had a realization in a dream i just had that this isn’t real and i can just do whatever i want and so i started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small i woke up sleep paralyzed

morgause: i was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing i did was use them to torment the nearest man

morgause: and the actual God woke me up and put be into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what i’ve done

morgana: does anyone else feel an awkward tension whenever you see another person your age in the grocery store

gwaine: the number 87 kinda looks like a plague doctor

percival: you’ve just changed the fucking game

elyan: [|87

morgana: a lonely bitch...a loner...i love isolation AND detachment

gwaine: i will not call the judges “your honor”. in america we don’t have titles of nobility. they will get a simple “yes dude” from me

gwaine: calling big bird just “bird” because i do not respect him

morgause: *photo of a pizza in a bad* caught the bae sleepin

mordred: now why would you waste a perfectly good pizza :(

morgause: that “waste” happens to be my wife getting her beauty sleep. think before you speak

gwaine: *finishes wedding vows* don’t forget to like and subscribe

morgana: *is bitter but is also right*

morgana: how dare you not notice me when i’m ignoring you

morgause, killing cenred: men be like i’m bilingual i speak english and over women

gwaine: after i move i really wanna get a used roomba

percival: i love that you’re adopting instead of buying from a breeder

mordred: joking about a kink is a gateway drug into developing said kink

morgana: my kink is mental, emotional, and financial stability

morgause: unrealistic, settle for choking like normal people

gaius: gay people use halloween props as home decor year round

morgana: shut up shut up this black jar with a raven painted on it is holiday-neutral

[texting]

morgause: can you come out?

morgana: yeah gimme a minute

morgana: morgause, i’m gay

morgause: i know that. come out to the car

morgana: car, i’m gay

morgause: God FUCKING damnit i’m such a hopeless romantic one day someone’s gonna say “i love you” and i’m just going to let out an agonized scream so horrible that they immediately change their mind

gaius: i’m not wearing glasses anymore i’ve seen enough

morgause: sorry my battery’s on 96% i gtg

morgause: you hate me? wow you think you’re hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so you can go grab a number and wait your turn

morgana: don’t ignore me ?? i despise being ignored ?? i mean i’m ignoring like 8 people right now but still ???

morgana: shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation

morgana: the concept of physical beauty is a scam unless you’re calling me cute in which case it is valid, actually

merlin: oh, so when other people go outside it’s “good for their health” and “highly recommended”, it’s only when i do it that it’s a “containment breach” and a “high-level threat to public safety and security”, huh?

gwaine: a charming photo of young john mulaney, seemingly celebrating the kennedy assassination

merlin: princess diana wasn’t john mulaney’s first kill

morgause: hate when i got out in public and the public is there

morgana: it seems the public is no longer in the public

morgause: i’ve won...but at what cost?

morgana: girls will see a chance to commit arson and be like “sorry, i have to take this”

morgause: girls will see a building that’s not on fire and say “is anyone gonna burn that” and not wait for an answer

#puff does things #long post

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starryseo · 7 years ago

Text

superhero!johnny

background: in this alternate universe, the members of nct will have various superpowers and abilities. this bulleted series will describe them in school situations - a school of superheroes/ villains - and also outside of school, in non-magical settings, for instance, describing a non-magical job they may have. it’s kind of like harry potter in the sense that only people with powers can access this magical world (where the school is) but magic users can easily travel in between both worlds. enjoy!

shapeshifting;

johnny would be a shapeshifter & im willing to fight anyone against this

he probably wouldn’t use this much in something serious unless he really needed to

always uses it when he gets the perfect opportunity to prank someone

ten always gets t r i g g e r e d when he thinks back to his first meeting with johnny in school

they had a lot of classes together so they saw each other every day

and johnny being the ass he is

shapeshifted into an ever so slightly taller version of himself every day

and the change was so gradual that ten didn't notice

until he was going through his gallery and he sees pictures of the two of them together

the first picture, ten was taller than johnny’s shoulder

and in the next johnny’s shoulder was miiiiiles above ten’s head

and he was just like what tf dude

how could you play me like that <\3

has also probably made ten cry by shapeshifting into a taller version of him (ten) and then mocking him

but it’s all in good nature & ten always gets his revenge (will be explained in ten’s one ;))

johnny also loves playing the “Which one is Hyuck?” game [brownie points to whoever gets this reference ;^)]

so he shapeshifts into donghyuck, and he and hyuck wear the same clothes & caps and the rest of the gang have to guess who is who

the only person to have ever guessed it correctly was mark

he was like “that one’s obviously hyuck bc look at that smirk. damn, that has scarred me so many times i can just tell that that’s hyuck”

no one understands wtf he's talking abt bc they look exactly the same

but mark’s never wrong

so he’s now been banned from playing

he probably does still play though bc it’ll be 30 mins into the game and everyone’s still just like “uhhhhh,, idk that one could be johnny?? damn this game” and mark is straight up like “hoW CAN YOU NOT TELL THIS ONE IS HYUCK??!?!?!?! CAN’T YOU TELL HE’S INSULTING YOU ALL IN HIS MIND”

anyways,,,,,

johnny is a h u g e drama fan

is always starring in the school plays because he loves transforming into famous actors/ actresses and acting like them for small, crappy school plays

people used to think the school actually hired a famous actor

but nah

it was just johnny

loves doing this to the youngers though

will ask a kid who their favourite actor is and then next week he comes to rehearsals as that actor

does it to have a good time and to make the kid happier, not to trick them though

probably has a youtube account of clips where he’s transformed into famous actors and does really bad renditions of their most famous films

like he did a parody of Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, shapeshifted into a crappy darth vader with a black curtain for a cape and was like

“Luke, I’m yo’ daddyyyyy” [even tho the actual script is “no”, not “luke” shh]

he’s done so many and like the real celebs have seen it and are like? ??? i don't remember doing this wtf???

makes him laugh so much when they go into interviews and one of his videos come up and they’re so confused like ?? that’s not even my youtube account and i've never done that?? that’s a really good look-alike damn

the magic council h a t e h i m bc johnny wtf?? you could expose magic like that?? but no one’s actually thought he was a shapeshifter, just that he was really good at make-up and he’s hired multiple people for his vids (lmao little do they know it’s all one man)

OK SO

you actually know him from school

he’s in your chemistry class and he’s got like a month-long detention for impersonating the professor when she went outta the classroom really quickly

yeah she has a long vendetta against him ever since he transformed into the principal and was telling her to make her lessons more interesting, include more experiments and banned her from giving detentions

it was going so well until the actual principal announced that a fire drill was happening later on in the day

had to happen at that exact moment in time gosh the coincidence

and johnny was just there like ��ah... that was... pre-recorded??”

she literally looks for any excuse to ruin his life and vice versa

anyways, the lesson had started

and unfortunately, you were running a bit late so you came to class like 5 mins into the lesson and got a detention after school

you went to the detention knowing she’d make the 30 mins detention 3 hours long if you didn’t come

so yeah, it’s after school and you and johnny are the only ones there and she’s getting you guys to clean her mess of a classroom

she laughed whilst telling you she had the youngest year in the school doing a messy experiment last period

“i want this place absolutely spotless, i should be able to see my reflection in the beakers. i’ll be back in 30 minutes and you both better still be here.” and then she went off to the staffroom

you guys just had really generic conversations until like 5 mins in when you both gave up on cleaning the tables

he called sicheng and asked him to really quickly buy the two of you food and sicheng the lil cutie ran over as fast as he could with pizza <3

so you both just talked about your mutual dislike for the teacher whilst eating and then johnny decided that now was the perfect opportunity to prank her

johnny: “she wanted to see her reflection in the beakers riiiight :^)”

he locked the room’s door in case she came back earlier

and then transformed into her

you took a picture of him and then logged on to the computer in the room whilst he took out all the beakers and flasks he could find

you printed off like 100+ copies of her face and spent the next 10 minutes putting the papers with her face on them into the beakers

you threw away the scrap paper just as johnny unlocked the door and the teacher came back

at first she was like “trying to leave the classroom johnny?”

“no ms of course not”

you were trying not to laugh out loud at how he was trying to be good so she would let you both out quickly before noticing what you both had done

she gave you a quick talk on not being late before letting you both go

y’all ran outta that class so fast you’d give sicheng a run for his money

and then news spread around school of that teacher screaming because someone had stuck her face in the beakers etc but you and johnny had both kept it a secret and the whole school were kinda laughing at her bc apparently her scream could be heard on the top floor even tho she’s on the bottom floor lmao

no one knows who actually did it and she has no proof it was you guys so the school can’t really do much and no actual harm was done so??

but johnny came up to you that day and was like “wow, did you hear? the chem teach had the fright of her life today”

“yeah i heard, i wanna know who the masterminds behind that prank are”

“masterminds? i’m pretty sure it was just one person. you don’t need 2 people to take a pic and print it off”

“i will expose you johnny seo”

“gosh at least take me on a date first”

and you did lmao

y’all are the pranking power couple i swear donghyuck is jealous

sorry this is so late & hasn't been proofread properly rip. what member should i post next???

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soflashtastic · 8 years ago

Text

i know i said i was probably gonna do something for Halloween but…. i don’t even have an excuse i’m just lazy XD. SO as recompense for that, have a story about mu boi Quiltster (thanks again for the nickname agu<3)!

word count; 1,424 (heh sorry its long i had a lot of ideas for this)

Soft violin and piano music played as Gaster peered into the large beaker through a pair of thick safety goggles. The liquid inside was a black so deep it seemed to absorb the light surrounding it and made a muffled crackling sound as it rolled gently of its own accord. His brow creased as he studied how the last element had affected the substance.

He sighed, “No change.” The scritching of a pen was heard as his lab assistant took notes.

“Skeets, hand me vial A50 please.”

“Yes sir. Y’know,” The sound of the pen stopped as the cat-like monster finished his notes and moved across the room. “You don’t have to call me ‘Skeets’. You know what my name is.” Gaster chuckled as he turned to face his assistant, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms.

“Skeets,” using the nickname caused a sigh to escape his colleague. “How long have you been working under me?”

“I dunno, a year or two maybe?”

“Two years, my boy. When did you become my personal lab assistant?”

“Um… couple weeks ago?”

“About a month. You should know this but it seems you don’t, so I will tell you. I have an affinity for giving the people I work with nicknames. It helps me to remember you. It is also incredibly fun. You should just be glad that your’s sounds like your name.”

Skeet laughed a little at that while he searched for the vial. “Fair enough.”

Gaster turned back to the container and hummed along to the music. Even with all the experiments and projects he had done, this was still unlike anything he had ever seen. It seemed to act on its own sometimes, swaying away from something or someone it didn’t like. There was a day where one of his peers had come in visibly upset. The substance had seemed to sense her displeasure because whenever she passed the beaker it had followed her movements. A strange thing indeed.

“Did you see what happened to the guards that found this stuff?” Skeet asked.

“Yes, quite terrible. Are they still in the hospital?” The sound of Skeet shuffling around grew quiet. Gaster looked over his shoulder at him. His head was down and he was clutching a vial tightly in his gloved hands. “Skeets?”

Skeet’s voice wavered as he spoke “They… They were all found dead this morning.” He sniffed a little and held the vial to eye level, giving it a once over before handing it off. Gaster didn’t take it immediately but looked at Skeet with the eyes of someone who understood all too well the pain his assistant was going through.

“Skeet, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. You have my condolences.” He placed a hand on Skeet’s shoulder. “After we get a few more of these tests done allow me to treat you to some dinner. It’s the least I can do.” Skeet nodded as Gaster took the vial from him. They turned back to the beaker only to find the substance plastered against the wall of the container in Skeets direction.

Skeet cursed under his breath. “Sorry, Doctor. I’ll go get another lab assistant so you can finish this.” He started for the door but Gaster grabbed his elbow.

“Skeet. As a parent it’s my job to look after not only my children, but the other young souls out there who need help. If you need anything, anything at all, you tell me.” he said “Understood?”

Skeet chuckled and wiped a stray tear off his cheek. “Yes, Sir.”

Gaster nodded and let go of his arm. “Good. Now go take care of yourself. I’ll see you for dinner after I finish these.”

He turned back to the beaker as Skeet silently walked out the door. The substance had settled back into the bottom of the beaker, rolling and making that strange sound.

‘What would happen,’ Gaster thought to himself. ‘If I were to stir this?’ Rolling up sleeves of his lab coat, he reached over grabbing a clear, plastic stirring stick from a rack of clean supplies. He exchanged his old gloves for a clean pair and leaned on his elbow beside the beaker.

Ever so slowly, he tapped the surface of the liquid. It rippled outward slowly and went still. “Hmm….” He removed the stick and it began rolling again. ”Interesting.” He set the stirrer aside, picking up the clipboard Skeet had left behind. He scribbled a few notes on it in the doctor’s-chicken-scratch style.

Holding the clipboard in one arm, he grabbed the stirrer and positioned it above the substance. He slowly penetrated the surface and began stirring. The more he stirred the thicker it seemed to get.

Without his noticing he began thinking of the guards that had been put in the hospital and of Skeet and how worried he was for him. A trickle of sadness entered his mind. Suddenly, the thick sludge lept out of the beaker and latched onto his arm just above his gloves.

The clipboard clattered to the ground as he gasped loudly. The sludge began working its way up his arm ever so slowly. This substance had killed five man just by coming in contact with it and yet, nothing was happening. He didn’t feel any pain at all. How had they died again? He couldn’t quite remember…

A wave of sadness and emotional pain suddenly cascaded over him. He dropped to his hands and knees, taking quick shallow breaths. Tears streamed down his face as he covered his head. Memories of when he had lost his family came rushing back to him with renewed strength. Being forced to watch as his mother and father were executed simply for being monsters. He felt the fear from his days in the war. The death and carnage. The sounds of his remaining family being cut down and slain on his watch. His friends screaming for help as they were carried off by humans.

He didn’t make noise as he cried, he simply wasn’t getting enough air to make any. He was faintly aware of the sludge crawling up his arm, spreading across his shoulders and sinking deep into his bones. It was starving. He could tell now that it needed these negative emotions to live and It had just found a well of misery. It was sucking him dry. But he didn’t care anymore.

He had done so many things wrong. It would probably be better for everyone if he just died. His boy’s would survive. They don’t need a father who couldn’t even protect his own parents. He fell to his side and curled in on himself.

It would be better.

if he just.

died.

~~~~~~~~~~

Alphys’ feet ticked on the stone floor as she was led down the hallway to the royal scientist’s private laboratory. Out of all the people in the labs Skeet, Gaster’s right hand man, had chosen her! She was giddy with excitement but kept it under wraps for her friend.

“I-I’m so sorry about your brother Skeet. H-he was a g-good man.” She said, patting his arm.

“He sure was.” Skeet sniffed. “We used to play together all the time when we were little, and then school started getting harder and then he went into the Royal Guard and I started work here. We still hung out as often as we could but i always wanted to talk to him more.”

Having no siblings of her own, Alphys didn’t quite know how to respond to that so she decided not to. They walked in silence the rest of the way to the lab, each lost in their own thoughts. The activity in the halls became less and less the further down they traveled and tall plants placed here and there brightened up the place a little.

Alphys picked under her claws as she walked “U-uhm… Skeet? How much-”

She was interrupted by the a low moan that came from one of the open doors ahead of them. They stopped in their tracks, Skeet’s ears pricking up at the noise. Alphys grabbed onto his lab coat. “S-S-Skeet…. W-what was that?”

“I don’t know,” he answered, still looking at the open door “but stay close.”

They both slowly approached the sound, Alphys hiding a little behind her friend. They pressed themselves up against the wall next to the door and skeet cautiously peered into the lab.

“Doctor Gaster!” He said, racing into the room. Alphys wasn’t even on claw through the doorway when Skeet turned to her. “Go get help!”

“What’s going on?!” she asked

“Gaster got some of that black goop stuff on him, we don’t know exactly what it does but it has killed monsters, Alphys. Now go get help!”

“O-okay!” Alphys turned on her heels and ran down the corridor, leaving Skeet to take care of Gaster.

“Oh Doc, what did you do?” He whispered. Gaster was curled in on himself, violet tears tracing the crack under his eye before falling to the ground. Skeet waved his arms over him trying to figure out what to do. He didn’t know if it was safe to try and help but seeing his usually strong mentor so shattered hurt him to the core. It was wrong in every conceivable way.

Working up his courage, he reached down to try and remove the doctor’s lab coat. He gently pulled the arm that was not covered in the goop out of its sleeve and rolled him onto his stomach to try and get the other arm out without touching it too much.

“Sorrysorrysorrysorry,” he said as he pulled out the arm. He tossed that jacket aside like it had some kind of disease and looked down at his friend.

Once Skeet had gotten the coat off, Gaster had rolled back up into his fetal position and started shaking. Skeet still couldn’t see all of the goop due to the Doctor’s purple t-shirt but what he did see startled him. He could tell it was already halfway across his ribcage by how the shirt wiggled and filled out. Some of it had moved on across his shoulders and was now twisting around his right arm making a fascinating jagged spiral.

Now, however, was not the time to be admiring the artistic talent of this disgusting goo, he needed to find out what else he could do while he waited for help.

“Gaster? Gaster, I’m gonna check you stats alright?” Gaster didn’t reply but continued to tremble.

“Right.” Summoning some of his magic Skeet brought out the Doctor’s soul and pulled up his HP bar. He covered his mouth when he saw that like the other infected patients, Gaster’s health bar was steadily going down but it was much much slower than them.

“You’re prolonging his suffering you sick-”

“SKEET!” Alphys came skidding across the doorway bringing a team of the medical staff with her “I-I-I got your h-help!” she huffed. She was breathing heavily and mumbling how she needed to get an exercise plan.

“What happened?” one of the medic’s said as they pushed their way into the small room.

“He got some of that black stuff on him and it’s spreading fast.” Skeet said, pushing Gaster’s soul back into his chest.

“Alright son,” the medic said putting a hand on his shoulder. You’ve done what you can. Let us take over.” Skeet nodded and allowed himself to be gently pushed out the door.

He slumped to the floor next to a still panting Alphys. “I-I’m so sorry. First your brother a-and now-“

“Thank you, Alphys but I just kinda wanna sit here and…… process everything that happened today. Just….” Skeet pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them, a few tears falling down his face. “don’t leave me alone, okay?”

Alphys gently rubbed his back in small circles and let him cry.

~~~~~~~~

About a month later Skeet and Alphys along with a few other scientists stood in front of a giant tube filled with a bright green liquid. In the tube, with an oxygen mask placed over his mouth, Gaster floated unconscious. His entire body was covered in the sludge from his ankles and wrists all the way up his neck but somehow, someway, the medic’s and team of scientists assigned to keeping him alive had figured out how to do just that.

A small monster worked the control panel of the tube, constantly checking on the Doctor’s stats. “Doctor Skeet,” she said. “Everything appears to be within the normal range, are we ready to pull him out?”

Skeet looked to the team of medic’s next to him. They caught his eye and nodded, a few of them gently fidgeted with the stretched or their tools. “Alright, bring him down.”

Her fingers flew across the controls as the tube started to drain, gently lowering Gaster to the bottom. The glass slid down into the floor and the scientists held their breath as the medical team rushed forward. Right before they reached him one of them turned around with a worried expression, “You’re positive this stuff has been neutralized?” he asked.

Skeet took in a breath and nodded. “That stuff is a part of him now. It can’t hurt anyone anymore than the skin on your back can.” It had been hard to render the goo incapable of harming anyone. He had pulled several all nighters and drank a year’s worth of coffee figuring out. Ideas the worked out in theory had failed and failed again but now, seeing his friend being wheeled out to a hospital room instead of a chamber meant for the dying, he finally felt that everything was going to be okay.

#Seamtale #quiltster #words #lots of words #goop story #my stories

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areswriting · 6 years ago

Text

a x e : ii

The uproar of laughter in the classroom makes my face feel like it is on fire, the tips of my ears burning red. Though I’m less embarrassed and more hurt, I gather my things with haste, knocking a beaker over in the process and jet out of the room. Hurt has never sat well with me—the pit in my stomach from hurt always unleashes a monster I call anger. If only Elise knew what was really untamed and unwelcome.

I change out of my school uniform into jogging shorts and a t-shirt, and I run. Until the monster in my chest seeking raw meat creeps back into hiding in my belly. Until the desire to bloody my knuckles to the bone disappears. Until the pain of knowing just how alone I am is gone.

My legs slow until I’m walking and I pull my sweat-soaked shirt over my head. I chose the walking trail instead of the track for solitude, however it is an usually warm and sunny September day, and there are students littered all over campus. I didn’t mind the occasional passer-by as I was running, but seeing Elise, on-coming in the distance makes me want to turn around and run away. I don’t, though, because my legs are already shaky.

Elise doesn’t notice me, as her eyes are glued to her cell phone—but her friend Sophie does. She lets out a squeal, tugs on Elise’s arm and blatantly points in my direction. Elise’s gaze follows her friend’s out stretched arm until it falls upon me, and she stops in her tracks.

I expect an immediate verbal lashing, or for her to grab Sophie by the ear and walk her the opposite direction. But all I get is an open-mouthed stare. My eyebrows crease in the slightest, then I understand why she’s looking at me the way she is. Part of me feels violated and I consider sliding my wet shirt back on—but I can’t help but feel a sense of victory, and my pride keeps the consideration at bay.

“Hi, Abram,” says Sophie once I’m closer.

“Hey, Sophie,” I say, offering a smile. I look at Elise, who takes an interest in manicured nails. “Hey, Elise.”

Elise lets out an exasperated sigh and looks at her friend. “Sophie, give us a minute. Now,” she adds and Sophie scuttles around us quickly, but I notice her glancing over her shoulder every foot or so.

“What makes you think you can speak to me?” she asks, arms folded.

“Um, the first amendment, I think?” I offer. She rolls her eyes. I sigh. “I just wanted to apologize, I shouldn’t have made that comment. I thought I was being funny…But I also thought that we were friends.” I pull my shoulders into a shrug as I step around her. Oddly, she turns her body, too. “But it turns out, I really am a stray. Even here.”

I see her lips part, like she’s about to speak, but I do before she can. “Have a good day, Elise,” I say, before turning and walking away.

△ ▼ △ ▼

S: I really hate this jerk at school.

S: I wish you were here. I wish I could see you.

S: I need you more than anyone else right now.

K: What did they do to you? You know I can beat them up, right?

K: I need you, too, Syl. Why don’t you let me come see you? We can meet in public and I can send you new pictures. I know we agreed not to. But I can’t stand not being able to hold you, especially when you’re like this.

K: When you’re ready, all you have to do is say. I’ll be on the next train.

I’m not surprised when I don’t get a response. Lately, I feel so torn between what is and what might never be. My feelings for Sylvia have been constant, four years strong; but I can’t help but wonder if she feels the same way—or if I’m just someone whose only use is at her convenience. I used to turn to my mother when I needed validation—now all I have is a social media account with a six number following.

@Dyer A Friday night look with nowhere to go.

I post a picture and within minutes thousands of likes and comments flood my notifications. While scrolling through them, one comment stands out: @sophie after seeing u today I can think of somewhere you can come? My roommate is out ;)

I click on her picture and it’s exactly who I thought it was. While I had little to no interest in Sophie, I was interested in the second picture on her account—a picture of her and Elise at my game. I tap the photo once to see a username pop-up over Elise’s face. Without hesitation, I tap the name and to my surprise it’s Elise’s very public account.

I am surprised when I see more art, scenery and architecture then I do selfies—not to say I thought Elise was vapid and conceited, but that I don’t know her well enough to think otherwise. I see pictures of places I’ve only ever dreamed of going and before I realize it, I’m two years into her Instagram account, and I see a thumbnail that makes my heart pound. I tap it, frantic until it enlarges and I see it more clearly. For a second, I could have sworn it was Sylvia staring back at me from what looks like the pier in Santa Monica. The more I study it, the more I see Elise and my racing heart slows. It’s obvious that she’s younger, but she isn’t more skin and bone than girl. Without thinking, I tap the picture twice—and the empty heart below the picture burns red. I throw my phone, as if that will undo what I’ve just done. Then I jump up from my bed and pick it up from the floor. The screen is still on and the red heart stares at me mockingly. I consider un-liking it, but I know she’s already gotten the notification, and that would look even more ridiculous and weird than liking a two year old photo in the first place.

I sit back down on my bed and take in a deep breath—my only logical option is to follow her account. So I do.

△ ▼ △ ▼

Monday morning means going back to classes—which in turn means I have to wear that ugly school uniform again. I stare it is in distaste. There as to be a loophole to this, I think, running my fingers through my hair. Determined to find it, I look through the online student handbook and I smile like the Cheshire Cat.

I’m the elephant in the room, my grey pants an eyesore against the uniform, firmly ironed, khaki pants and shorts. My button down too bright against the dull, powder blue shirts that surround me. My first period class is advanced French—an easy A, and an easy getaway as I think I’ve become one of Ms Bisset’s favorite students.

Second period, I know is going to be the most difficult—Mrs. Pierce, the psychology teacher is old-school and military trained. Still yet, I walk into her class, take my seat toward the front of the class and set my bag down.

“Yo, honest Abe, why are you out of uniform?” my half-brother shouts from the far left of the room. “Did the expensive fabric make you break out?”

I don’t have to say anything, because a girl that I don’t know speaks from behind me. “I vote he keeps that uniform, as long as he keeps his sleeves rolled up.”

I look as Jason and smirk as our mostly female classmates laugh.

“Yeah, cause his prison tattoos are so respectable,” Jason spits.

“Oh, Jesus, calm down, would you?” shouts Mrs. Pierce. I look forward to see her pulling her sunglasses off and letting her bag fall off of her shoulder and onto her desk. If I had to say what she looked like, I would she was experiencing one of the worst hangovers of her life. She sits in her seat and surveys the room; this is how she takes attendance.

“Dyer,” she says, with a slight roll of her eyes. “What the hell are you wearing?”

I sit up a little straighter and recite what the handbook says: 1. Students are expected to wear a solid colored dress shirt with tie or without a tie (tie should be within one inch of top button on shirt), long pants, or skirt, visible socks, and shoes. 2. Students should tuck shirts in so that belts are visible if worn. 3. Denim pants are not permitted.

“So, technically, I’m not out of uniform, I’m just not wearing the suggested one,” I conclude.

Mrs. Pierce laughs silently and shakes her head. “And what about tattoos, Dyer? And facial hair? Hm?”

I unroll my sleeves and raise my arm to show her the wrinkles. “I think the tattoos are tidier than this.”

She waves a dismissive hand. “You win. Next time, just put a blazer over it or something.”

I feel a tap on my shoulder, and when I glace back, I see that Elise is sitting behind me.

“How are you able to get the strictest teacher at this school to bend?” she asks.

I smirk and bat my eyelashes. “It must be my pretty blue eyes,” I say.

She glances across the room at my half-brother, then back at me. “You must have gotten them from your mother.”

I try not to let my smile look as sad as hearing that makes me feel. “I got everything from my mother,” I say.

I notice a book under her psychology book and I take it upon myself to pull it out. As soon as I see the cover, I wish I hadn’t. E. Monroe is printed across the front of it with nothing else but a small golden outline of a tulip on it.

I clear my throat and set it back on her desk.

“You asked me if I liked her, remember? The other day in the library? My favorite poem from that book is: So my home is not an honest home. So my home is an empty bed. That’s the thing about heart break. It’s the smallest of worlds ending. Everyone goes around you, smiling, like it’s nothing to close a door.”

‘She actually…” I pause and think about the words that are about to come out of my mouth; is my mother. I am not sure why I feel so comfortable with Elise to tell her—but I stop myself from going through with it. I shake my head and will the sadness to leave my eyes. “She’s amazing and she never gets enough credit for it.”

#ae #my writing

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zoeymew2 · 8 years ago

Text

I had a dream and here's part of it

The world was falling apart and in my home town of lenoir there where two group I was in the first. It was ran by a man who didn't really care about the people there, all he wanted was to be a leader. He was a tall white man who had plenty of muscles. He always had a black track suit on with yellow detailing. His hair was brown short and raggity with blue eyes. The group was very prosperous and had plenty of food and things to do, but the leader was mean and cruel. If someone broke the rules or stepped out of line he would punish them by beating them. One night everyone was give 3 whole pizzas but, u had to trade two of them with someone else and get different kinds. You only where allowed two of the slices from each and anyone who ate more was punished. The next morning we where to have our training exercises and EVERYONE had to go. I decided to hide a whole pizza hoping to food for after the exercise. I hide it in what looked to be a square tire in a auto shop and ran off to the group. Once we where all there the leader was instantly suspicious of me and tried to get me to confess. So I ran as fast as I could to get the pizza and eat it. He chased after me but wasn't fast enough I already had reach the box and started running away from the camp with it in arms. This didn't stop him, he was faster then me and was catching up. So I decided I would start eating while running but, once I opened the box I discovered it was empty and someone else already ate it. With this in mind and the leader chasing me down, probably to beat the day lights out of me, I looked over my shoulder and said "Why are you even chasing me the pizza is already gone. See." Then I through the empty box open in is face hoping to get away. I noticed i was getting close to the other groups camp. The leader had caught up to me and we both stand there looking at each other in silence. I was the one to speak "I'm joining the other group and you can't stop me. It's so much better over there and the leader is greater then you. You only care about yourself and getting your name out there but he cares about everyone. You failed us." He didn't speak only started marching, like an angry parent, towards the other group. He didn't say I word but I knew what he was going to do. He was going to kill the other leader. I no longer feared this man or for my own life. Something inside me changed, I was a completely different person. I shouted at him to stop "Stop right now! You stay away from them! You can't go over there or else I'll kill you right here and now." The anger in my eyes was to that of Fluttershy's stare but it didn't faze him. He kept going on getting closer and closer to the other camp. Jumping onto him I tried to strangle him but his neck had to much muscle I couldn't even get my hands around it. So I started throwing punch after punch, finally stopping him, showing no signs of stopping soon. He then grabbed me and through me to the ground stopping my attack. Then he just turned around and walked away from me. I was free, but I lost everything. Someone from behind me spoke "oh my, what a brute you are." I turned to so a tall skinny man. He had brown shaggy hair with brown eyes. His clothing looked like that of a UPS worker being all brown. He spoke again "Are you here to join my little group in surviving this world?" he asked me in happy go lucky tone. Smiling at him "Yes I would love to join you and your friends." He helped me up and we made our way to the camp. Once we made it inside I could get a good look of everything and see what kinda camp it really was. What I saw was like the frozen section of a Walmart mixed with the a Bass Pro Shop camping section. Once we reached everyone he announced my arrival to the group "Hello everyone it seems we have a new friend with us today and they are here to stay." He then proceeded to lead me to a not so large but not tiny camper. He told me to leave my bag here, which was a large black case with the Pinterest logo on the front, and follow him to get diner. I threw my Tardis throw blanked down on the bench and followed him out. He lead me to the freezer section, now up close I could see it was kinda more like the produce section, and told me to have what ever I wanted. I started to look around and began to notice it was all vegetables. No meats, no fruits, and no junk food. I went up to the leader and asked "Is it all is there like meat?" I could feel his disappointment like a wave crashing into the shore, but his face didn't show it at all. It was his normal smile and happy voice as he spoke "Yes, it over in the front there." As I backed away I said to him "Ok oh, you can't just live off veggies you know." Then it hit me they where vegans and again I was hit by this wave of their disappointment so i quickly added "Well you can cause I have see people do it and it's not bad or anything just normal." After spouting all that out I quickly ran over to the meat section he so kindly pointed out to me. I saw beef and chicken but, instead of the normal way they package it, it was in a spiral and looked terrible. I quickly started looking for veggie paddies hoping to find something I could actually make. Not know how to cook anything that didn't use the microwave 'though they are better in the oven.' Then I saw them, these cute little chicken (vegan chicken) sandwiches, just what I was planning on cooking. When I reached for them I was met with another persons hand instead of wonder full food. I quickly pulled back allowing the other to have them and started looking for veggie paddies. Once I finally spotted them (though they weren't square like I wanted) I reached up for them only to see once my hand go close enough I wasn't reaching for veggie paddies but something that wasn't food at all. The whole freezer had be switched with one filled with science and I was about to grab a beaker filled with a mysterious yellow liquid. I was shocked I could make such a mistake and decided i need some rest instead of food. Walked back to the camper i was shown earlier i noticed a stack of boxes to my left. The boxes only had the word 'Tampons' written on them in commercial style font. I reach out for them but then they where covered in the Pinterest logo and vanished. I was so confused but thought nothing more of it and continued to the camper. Once I walked inside I saw an old lady sitting inside, huddled in my Tardis blanket. She kindly spoke "hello dear I'm you room mate. If you could leave the windows up when you leave that would be great." I thought it was a weird request but put the windows up anyway and then left.

#dream

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dannychristiepopularperform-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Developing My Script

Having spent a lot of time working on everybody else’s ensemble pieces i was unsure how to go about mine. All the other pieces in our show were performed by one person with the help of the rest, using our bodies to create shapes, or our voices to build up tension etc. I felt I needed to do the same.

I wanted to do something self expressive with my rap skills, but I knew it was not enough to just rap. Tori in the other group had built a skit for her variety show where she got to act out a scene of trying to get a job in a strip club, so she got to show off her belly dancing. I thought I could maybe do something similar but take a real piece of my life, something autobiographical. Not only did I want to preserve a moment of my life and capitalise it, i wanted to honour my Grandma who raised me. I had re-watched a video I uploaded to youtube of her singing, and I felt it would be nice to make something out of that. However, my idea never felt Cabaret enough considering what the group and I saw at the Proud Cabaret.The acts were very self expressive, there was more jokes than narrative from the compare. It was not like watching a play like i’m used to or watching a variety show on the BBC. It was a series of dances, with nudity, skill and novelty. I definitely had skill but the rest did not appeal to what wanted to achieve.

Pressing on, I decided to create a performance which had Divine playing my grandmother stuck in a hospital bed, interrupting me while I tried to record music in my room, then had the others in my group popping in to play nurses during the performance of my final song, then have a moment where that before mentioned video would play and end the section. I was nervous about this however, as I thought the movements and the changes looked a little messy in rehearsal and my group played along but I could tell they weren't so serious about it. We tried it a few times and had something we were OK with but I really wanted to see how the rest of the class would receive it in a feedback session.

I performed this in front of the class and was surprised with the feedback I received. Ad’s and the rest of the class agreed my performance would be better stripped back to just having me performing on stage. At first I found it hard to visualise as I felt like I needed a visual representation of my Grandma. but as I did impressions of my Grandma it seemed people warmed to that more than having Divine there. I was massively inspired by Conrad Murray’s performance (There are clips on this feed). It would be a kind of stand up, but with a heart. I was relieved, and more inspired when I begun to put a script together.

This is what I came up with:

Dan & Nan

-1st light

I was raised by my Grandmother in Coventry who went blind when I was around 11 years old. That’s when I became a young carer.

Funny thing is even when she went blind she was stubbornly independent. She would cook, do housework, even go shopping and walk faster than anybody who dared to accompany her.

Grandma was the strongest woman I knew, she raised 8 children with my grandfather, then took my brother, sister, and I in when we were young and raised us too.

Grandma was a real old-school Jamaican Christian woman. Our Sundays were ruled by church and women in hats bursting out in the Holy spirit (impression). I was a good kid too, I was the top of Sunday school. Then I became a teenager.

-1st Soundtrack (low volume)

8 mile came out and we went mad. Every lunch and break time at school we would rap battle each other and if you lost at break you had better write something in 3rd period. Then, I was probably 13 when my friend james introduced me to Channel U (which is now called AKA) and I was exposed to Wiley, Crazy Titich, and a whole roster of grime pioneers. Grime had swept the UK and suddenly there were gangs of boys in every school huddled around a Sony Eriksson phone bluetoothing instrumentals and showing each other their new lyrics.

-1st Soundtrack stops

When I got my first job I spent most of my money on recording equipment for my bedroom and some turntables. I started being known in my area for my music and I wanted to do more. In the meanwhile however Grandma became sicker and sicker until she was bedbound. She had lost the independence she was famous for and proud of and totally reliant on my siblings and I, and the district nurses. Of course, I didn’t mind, but it could be annoying at times, especially when I was trying to record.

-1st song till it stops

-2nd light 2nd soundtrack

Grandma; Daniel!

Me; Yes Nan!?

Grandma; Daniel!

Me; Yes Nan!?

Grandma; Daniel!

Me; (Under breath) Fuck sake.

Me; What’s up Nan?

Grandma; Fix this pillow fi mi.

Me; Again? I just fixed a second a go I told you I’m trying to work upstairs you can’t keep doing this.

Grandma; You nuh understand. Its such a terrible thing when you cant move.

-1st light soundtrack off

So I fix the pillow and its like trying to get the right picture on an old broken television or find the right frequency on an old fm radio but eventually I get it and I’m free again. So I run back upstairs.

-2nd song till it stops.

-2nd light

Grandma; Daniel!

Me; (to self) rassclart. (Out loud) Yes Nan!?

Grandma; Daniel!

-1st light

Back down stairs I go. This time she needs a cup of tea. So I make her a cup of tea in her beaker but it’s a long ting because she can’t hold it herself her fingers and arms are rusted up by arthritis so you have to feed it to her. Of course its too hot. So I put it aside to cool.

I try another song but I get interrupted again to go give her the cool tea, which is now cold so it has to be done again. This time I wait until its just right and just before she takes a sip she says;

-2nd light 3rd soundtrack

Grandma; Thank you Jesus.

Me; Did Jesus make your tea?

Grandma; What you mean?

Me; I mean what about us? We do all this stuff for you do we get a thank you? No, but Jesus gets all the thanks and all he does is hang on the wall looking like Noel Edmonds.

1st light soundtrack stops

I’ve done it again. Tripped the Jesus wire with my insolence. I get an earful about how nothing is possible without God and Jesus. But to be honest since Grandma has got like this I just refuse to believe in it all. Not to mention I’m a grown rudeboy now, I haven’t been church in years I blaze weed, link gyal and keep a butterfly knife in my sock in case Jesus doesn’t save me when it kicks off in a house party.

I’m also quite annoyed with Jesus. If he has any power at all she shouldn’t be in this condition. Shes been repping Jesus since she was born, she knows the Bible like the back of her hand and she has never let him down. But time and time again he lets her down. He lets my whole family down. I can’t stand to hear his name to be honest.

She’s such a soldier such a trooper. All I can see is her strength and her resilience, and I am living in her accomplishments. The house Grandfather and her worked years to buy and raise 8 children in. Jesus didn’t pay for that, or help raise none of them. Only 2 of them still do church. Everyone else is fucked up like me.

I shoot Jesus down every time she mentions him. It’s brainwash from slavery. Turn the other cheek and all that stuff slave masters would tell their slaves so they would work day in and day out and not fight back or fear the hell of a whip across their back for disobeying the master. I’m learning that once upon a time black people weren’t slaves, we weren’t Christians we were pharaoh and kings of empires. I try to tell her, and its interesting but not quite registering.

I love you Grandma but I wish you believed in yourself as much as you believed in Jesus.

-3rd light

-Final song

-video

end

-My script makes use of the Self Expressive mode, mixed in with the Representational mode. It is essentially a one man show where I act out all 3 of the characters which include:

-Myself in the Here and Now (Narrating)

-My younger self as a teenage rapper (Grime artist) Performed

-My Grandmother

My piece is definitely a Storytelling performance which could use techniques from book: Popular Theatre A sourcebook (p114 paragraph 4 Storytelling the languages of Topeng) where it speaks of storyteller character Penasar Kelihan from a play called Badbad it says:

“The first storyteller to enter is Penesar Kalihan. His entrance, accompanied by the usual shaking of the curtain and flourishes of the cymbals and drums, reveals him to be proud, flamboyant and commanding. He has age heart laugh of an enthusiast and dances n an exaggeratedly macho fashion that pushes the dance to the edge of parody.”

My narration and character while playing a younger me would require me to have a certain amount of charisma, and a certain amount of youthful bashfulness especially as a young grime MC. Most Grime MCs and rappers are stereotyped to perform with a level of aggression depending on what their style is. Grime was for the most part an aggressive genre when I was growing up and reflected the lives or experiences of young boys involved in gangs or street culture in the city.

On the other hand as a narrator and schizophrenic actor (portraying myself and my grandmother) I would exaggerate things, exaggerate my teenage machismo, and also exaggerate my Grandmothers’ behaviour somewhat. Mainly to make the performance comedic, and show the contrast between the two sides of myself i am portraying. On one hand I am a young teenager being aggressive and ‘cool’. On the other hand I am portraying the struggles of a young carer, and the struggles of an elderly woman. I would not be wearing any costumes (apart from the essential hoody) so my quick transformations would have to be fluid and easy for the audience to follow.

I indicated lighting in my script but that was abandoned. I wanted to do as Conrad Murray did in Denmarked, I had planned to use lighting show the changes, but feedback from the group changed that. I was advised to try using my position on the stage to illustrate the different characters and move in a triangular way in the boundaries of the one stage light.

-I would be slightly stage left as the narrator

-I would slide centre and slightly further back in the parts between my grandma and I

- I would use most of the front stage to perform my rap parts

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