#uh i finally feel better and started to get out of this covid bs

[lilis-palace]

JANUARY WIP👀

I'll keep making and making variations of this door until it turns out to be Hamlet.

I think this is the perfect set for january. It'll have the standard INTARSIA palette but I'll make a few "worn down" swatches as well.

[shadowdianne]

imma just ramble so, heh, allow me

Back when all of this hell started I was sent home by my office and the entire dept started to work online. I work at visas, which meant we couldn't stop because whereas the borders were closed -and that took a big damn minute let me tell you, way longer than it should have- we still needed to aid those who were stranded here all the while the gov not helping us. Nor the uni in which I am linked to. It was day after day of very bleak messages while having covid myself and a few weeks away at the time to discover that we needed to move yet again. It was fucking nightmare and I don't feel like complainin bc who hasn't had a difficult year? Xd no one wants to listen to that.

Anyway, week after week of bleak messages, not knowing where we were at, working nonstop and not having our usual schedule and shifts because they didn't truly matter since we can work everywhere while at home uh? -my father is a journalist, I don't like him but the kind of hell they put him through on his own place of work is ANOTHER level of bs- We tried our best, gov not aiding us, not listening to us, everyone being angry at us because we weren't helping enough -we were TRYING our very fucking best, mind you-

Fast forward, crazy schedules and online/offline changes whenever the higher ups felt like and here I am, two months away from finalizing my contract YET AGAIN and the last two emails I've answered today were: one from france and how a big group is going to come because borders have opened yet again bc, hey, it's summertime! we need the money! people, open up! and the second one was from a guy in india. Which I will not disclose but.

I'm burnt out. And tired, and angry at my gov, and angry that we cannot do more, and angry that I know I physically cannot do more. And...

And I'm studying so I can get a better entry level job at basically what I do now -because my double degree in translation and phlology is NOT the way to go, Lucía, what were you thinking /s/- but it will also take time and everything feels flimsy and I.AM.JUST.SO.FUCKING.ANGRY

End rant

[fartonexit]

Man am I fucking tired.

After multiple nights of not sleeping for weeks, cranking it hard as shit so my partner has garunteed food daily, trying to get myself stable so I can do 2 jobs and a side gig, fighting with my parents so my partner has a safe bed because their mother is going ape shit for some reason and threw me out, fighting with one idiot at work, snapping at them the next day, and the day after just being the cap....

I'll tell you fucking what the suicide hotline being 944 now is a shitload better than whatever the fuck Joyner's album title was because damn, I was fuckin thinking about it.

However any time I start to, some amazing thing happens on the most microscopic level that instantly just, boom, everything is better. Like sitting at a turn around light in a boulevard for 20 minutes and almost turning around, then, gasp, you see the gap, NOW STOMP THE GAS GOGOGOGOGOGOGO.

So I work at a drag bar. Being genderfluid is ending up a lot more fun for me as coming out of my shell has lead to some fun things. But lead importance is I really just want ppl to call what they see. I refuse to correct anyone, that seems ridiculous to me.

Other ppl in the kitchen are starting to pick up on how I work, what keeps me going, and if I'm busy don't bother me with bs. It's nice, actually. To just be.... Respected for being alive and that's good enough.

I don't really get that that often.

The one dude is also a dishwasher but has been slacking off playing fortnite on his phone. Other day is timidly trying to say something to me and I lean over and he trips over using a femanine pronoun, then basically runs away.

The cool black chick who I swear is out of my league but has shared at my butt more than once, fuckin her mom is a nutjob and knows what I'm dealing with. Literally, biggest relief there. Like I was actually happy and excited for the future levels of happy from that.

After being suicidal for a month.

I'm not now tho. And it's lightening up fast.

And hell, I even got to lodge a complaint against the laziness in the kitchen, next day, yesterday actually, I wasn't left with a full dish and dry rack while everyone goes up front for a drink. Fuckin actual teamwork yesterday, hell the fuck yeah.

I've been bouncing couches for a bit too. Glad parents are gunna shut up with their bullshit finally. They've been trying to tell me that I'm more dangerous in covid times than them, but then they go to Costco and the mall and see my bro in law who works covid wards and I'm like, uh huh, yeah, me, I'm the one, yup. The one at work in a bleached daily kitchen, not the ones in open air crowds n shit. But no matter now, shots done, they agreed to let us both in.

Trying to think. Is there anything else... My dick has felt like a bowling ball for the last 2 weeks. Nothing is wrong with it physically, that's just what it's decided it wants to do. I'll be at work and I specifically DO NOT lean on shit because of it. I keep feeling my taint in my sleep and finding my hand there when I wake up. According to my partner I'll feel down there for a few minutes and whimper a little then seem to snooze again. I hope I find a therapist I like. Too many come up that are yesmen or way not on my vibe. I don't want to go with the wrong person, and what I was doing before helped a lot, I just think I need one on one now.

Ok brain dumped I'm out

[me-mindfulexistence]

Those Who Judge Will Never Understand...And Those Who Understand Will NEVER Judge. My Story Of Regret.

“Those who judge will never understand….and those who understand will never judge.”

The last 24 years of my life I’ve been a mother and wife.  I have always been focused on wanting the best for my children…and for my entire family, like every good parent does. Though I have always wanted the best for them, this didn’t always equate to doing the best.  In fact, sometimes I wanted it so badly, my love or unbridled passion would do the exact opposite in effect. In hindsight, there were so many things that the kids did or that happened around the home that weren’t “worth” the anguish I put myself through , that just wasn’t worth the fight or the mental exhaustion of even worrying about.  Thank goodness I have Ron, my husband.  He is the yin to my yang.  He is the Tums for the household indigestion, at least most of the time anyway.  When shit gets shitty…he knows how to make things stink a little bit less.  Me? Not as much. I’ll just let you know how stinky it is and then magnify it by 100.  

How I dealt with the many issues over the years and how I dealt with the stresses of raising the kids has evolved and matured. But inevitably, after we instilled good values, taught them right from wrong while encouraging them to develop their own ideas, we had to “let them go”; Release them to make their own decisions, for better or worse.  For us, that’s what being a good parent is about.  Forming adults that have the innate ability to do “what’s right” on their own, and not just doing “right” because they have no other choice.  Then the cards land where they land.  Listen, we can only do so much to change who they are and what their choices are going to be, those choices will also change and mature…just as we have as parents.  I learned this the hard way.  

My youngest of all my children is now 18 years old and by far the most strong-willed, feistiest of all the bunch.  She is a mini-me.  Every time my other kids say “where does she get this attitude from???? Is she ever going to grow out of this?!” I reply “Yes, just give it time.  That was me” as they look at me with astonishment. It’s terrible!!!! That said, Sophie has had one issue I never had to deal with.  Something none of my other kids had to deal with.  Obesity.  She has dealt with being overweight most of her life.  Since grade school she has had weight dairies, seen CHOP doctors, and trainers. The worst part about the entire thing was having me as her parent through it all.  That’s truly how I feel.  As a small child she would spend days up at the farm with total access to as much ice cream and candy as she wanted, then come home and hide it in her room.  I would find it and guilt her about this bad behavior and expect her to change it.  It became an ugly game of “where’s the loot”.  I would find it and she would deny it.  After limiting her time at the farm and having home sitters more often, it didn’t matter.  Sophie always found food even when there wasn’t anything unhealthy to eat.  The portion sizes just kept getting bigger and bigger (along with her size).  Again, there I was to swoop in and spread further guilt.  I’d say things like “Didn’t you just eat?”... ”Having more?”. (and more times than not, words weren’t even necessary..b/c I’m well known for giving the “stink eye” when I’m not keen on what someone is doing).  Meanwhile, everyone else at the table was asking for seconds or thirds. This was all in addition to begging her to workout with me, begging her to eat less, bribing her to do x, y, z….for years and years and years.  

Then came football. There was a large time frame where the boys were in high school and I’d have certain food for them because they needed to bulk up.  I’d then ask them to hide it in their rooms from Sophie, as if she wouldn’t know where the pop-tarts were coming from.  She would inevitably find the stash and the cycle of “find, eat, hide” continued.  Ron was just in the middle with his head spinning.  He always said, “Until she wants to do it for herself…she is never going to stick with anything”. Well, I couldn’t accept that.  Nope, not this mom!  I watched Oprah and Dr Phil.  What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t fix this?! Ugh. I have patients who are 600+ pounds. I’m not going to let this happen to my kid, damn it!  So, I kept at it. How intense I was flowed in waves. I cried to Ron, I cried to my other kids, and even occasionally, out of defeat, I cried to her. I felt like a constant failure and she knew it.  I look back on her childhood with great regret and many tears. So much time spent “forcing”.  As gingerly and tactful as I always felt I was being, it was probably like using a Samurai sword to remove a splinter.  By Sophie’s senior year of high school, I can’t say I gave up, but I put it in the hands of the universe.  That’s when it happened.  Good things come to those who wait?

End of August 2019, Sophie says to me, “What diet will help me lose weight the fastest?” Uh…What?  “Yeah, I want to lose weight for senior week and to be healthy I guess, but really to look good for senior week”.  I said, I’d ask around and that’s when we decided on Keto.  Not the easiest diet, but it was what was right for Sophie.  Why? Consistent weight loss kept her motivated.  Period.  I don’t want to hear your healthy this, not healthy that BS.  What she was doing before was slowly killing her.  This was 100% better, so I had no issues.  First month was all diet.  Just adjusting.  Big mood swings, initial fatigue, some diarrhea.  Lots of food shopping, shakes, supplemental pills. We started out with an online kit which was helpful.  Eventually things evened out and she felt great.  That’s when exercise started.  SHE WANTED TO EXERCISE!!!! It was what I always wanted to hear! Of course, I tried to act all calm and cool and contain my excitement but inside I was screaming “Finally!!!! My prayers have been answered!!!”. My co-worker and good friend (Laura) who also struggles with weight, would frequently give me tips (and eventually reminders) to stop being the annoying skinny mom.  To let her be in control of this journey.  Laura would say “Slow down when you walk! Stop making her feel like she has to run to keep up with your fast walking pace....And no matter what, stop picking at her to do more! Keep telling her how great she is doing. Don’t point out the negatives”.   Initially Sophie started out doing short little workouts in her room, and then she wanted something more, so we ordered a stationary bike.  NEXT, THE GYM!  She was all about it!!! Almost daily…THEN COVID.  Well, that didn’t stop this train...We just made an entire room the “exercise room”.  H.I.I.T workouts daily, high interval intensity training, sometimes twice a day.  What I see now is dedication.  Not forced, not because I want it for her…but because she wants it for herself.  

I have a great amount of compassion and understanding for people with weight issues.  We can’t judge because we don’t truly know.  It’s not just calories in and calories out, when I treat someone who is 600+ pounds it’s not because they ate too many Whoppers.  I could eat the same amount as that person and NEVER have the physical ability to get that big.  It’s just not that simple.  It pains me to see people put others down because of their size.  One bad injury and that could be you.  It pains me because fat doesn’t make someone ugly.   

Sophie not only inspires me at this point....she inspires others.  To be better, to do better. It’s about not just diet, but consistent exercise and improving her mentality. Bettering herself inside and out.  We can all do better.  

The regrets....Something I just have to live with.

July 2019 top  July 2020 bottom pic.....about 100 pounds later

Picture after the Memorial Day “Murph” workout at the Farm.....