#unsubtle high school suburban gothic of my dreams

[nanyoky]

Hey the loony tune lady who yells at you for like four pages over a teen drama is back

I know I haven’t done one of these in awhile but i got like five minutes into the new episode and was already bouncing and giggling so here we go:

I love archie’s campaign sweatshirt he should always wear it

I love the “i’m voting for hiram” “don’t you mean hermione” moment. obviously there’s the whole implication of who’s really pulling the strings thing going on, but it also feels a lot like small town usa misogyny in a real fucking way.

Betty drinking the koolaid for Hal’s benefit OR IS SHE

for the record i’m not sold on black hood!hal. I mean this season has been weird so it could be and the confirmation COULD work, but i liked the unwinding of red herring!FP much more in season one than this, just for the record. just in case you haven’t guessed that yet.

archie doesn’t make any stupid comments about his girlfriend putting makeup on him because he’s a good boy. deep, deep down under this shitty mob plot that we all hate.

ugg i hate this plot so much but i love veronica using words like “demimonde”  again. archie knows what this means because veronica has made him watch penny dreadful. he loves vanessa and has confusing feelings he doesn’t understands about dorian. veronica loves victor and has feelings she understands completely about brona.

“focused lasers” bad dialogue? or political history reference? we may never know.

“silver lining- can’t get any worse” okay first of all, how dare you writers- jughead is the genre savvy bitch that knows better than to spout that shit. second of all BETTY HASN’T TOLD HIM WHAT REALLY HAPPENED YASSSSS THIS IS THE DRAMA I LIVE FOR

“dear cousin, you look harrowed” i’m so thirsty for the moments they return to cheryl’s weird performative gothic dialogue. oh stilted awkward season one dialogue- i didn’t appreciate you for what you were at the time. bb come back.

improper use of “wherefore” don’t care. love it. love this scene. love that everyone laughingly dismisses hal as a possibility while betty is genuinely terrified.

“i can feel it in my bones” why is the season one dialogue style back?! i shouldn’t question it- i love it. i love all these 15 yos talking like grandparents in a bad bodice ripping historical gothic novel with vaguely impressionistic painting cover of a woman in a period inappropriate red ballgown racing down a set of stairs

kevin, hun. no. don’t associate yourself with these doofuses. also your dad is a bad cop i’m sorry. the truth hurts. he shot a fleeing suspect in the back. that’s pretty cut and dried.

this is rich moose you realize that right. you being mad at midge for cheating? and being so spiteful about that it was a serpent? you habitually cheated on her and lied about it multiple occasions? what planet are you on?

((previous liveblogging was this morning while i brushed my hair for work. now is the part where nell is home and had a really shitty day and now wishes to drink to forget so buckle up it’s all down hill from here i haven’t had a drink in about two months))

“I’m guessing it was you sweetpea cuz- you know- if i were to fuck a serpent... you know it DOESN’T MATTER LETS FIGHT” just kiss it out boys

plot turning archie and jughead on oposite sides is dumb always, but what a gr9 shot of them side by side, but a divide betwixt, looking at one another. beautiful. iconic. more of this.

“my two best girls” not like you have, i dunno, another daughter or anything.... i miss polly.

oh my god. fangs’s puppy dog eyes, even as he admits to hooking up with a girl in a long term relationship, are too much. my heart quivers.

his shaking hands? THOSE RINGS? i love him. i’m sad he hasn’t gotten time to shine until now but he’s just SPARKLING.

that rack focus to that (what is that?) ceramic rattler?! was that an incense holder? a mug? just a knick nack?! i love fp jones and his decorating skills!

this plot is dumb but i very much love veronica’s reaction to it

“do you have a favorite boxer?” “michelle rodriguez.” AIN’T NO LIE BABY BI BI BI. not that you have to be sexually attracted to her to appreciate michelle rodriguez, i just feel like that particular choice has certain implications in the context of a character bringing her up.

“i want ships named after me, not horses.” i love veronica (mega catholic middle names here) lodge.

is it a coincidence that she’s playing ball with the archiest looking one? who knows. don’t care.

terse but civil jarchie is still good. not as premium as tender bros jarchie, but not bottom shelf by any means.

why is the new sheriff hot why is everyone so hot cw explain the universe you have created

awkward family dinners make way for AWKWARD THREE’S A CROWD MILKSHAKES

papa poutine’s son’s name is “small fry” and i hate myself for watching this show

ATTA GIRL. THAT’S MY GIRL. TAKE FUCKIN PHOTOCOPIES INSTEAD OF STEALING THE PLANNER. betty at her best this season is the contemporary yet still genre adhering sleuth we’ve been craving.

1. the BLACK ROTARY PHONE ringing just as they go over chiliing circumstantial evidence. 2. betty’s alice impression. 3. “i have a WARM CORPSE for you.”

JONES BOYS

“hunker down. get ready to fight.” nooo..... nooo fp...... the writers think i forgot about “go gentle into that good night” but i haven’t. i never will.

i love this mortician so much. his voice was just made for this role. 

this cheryl and betty watching the zipper come down scene reminds me of the season one “core four plus kevin watch a murder tape” scene in that it really drives home that yeah the cast is all my age, but these actors are GOOD because they convince me in moments like this that they are just fucking KIDS dealing with stuff that’s too fucking REAL

also, i know this is #growth, but part of me is kind of sad that cheryl is being good emotional support and giving good advice. i just love her being terrible in every way.

oh lol nevermind this is terrible advice “get the murderer alone and feel things out for yourself” great idea. i love you cheryl.

...hm. can’t tell if bad colorizing in this scene is delibrate exaggeration or them trying to be earnest in showing that hal has green eyes.

toni being #frantic on fangs’s behalf is great, but don’t forget her GLORIOUS DENIM ZIP TOP?! and also are those gold sparkle beads/threads i see in her hair?! how does she have time for these Looks(tm) when her friends are wanted for murder?!

oh fangs. oh sweetheart. oh angelface. this is all just so terrible. keep your knife more secure, huh? come on man.

“is that what this is about? backing hiram makes you feel...” yes. good. i love this. not necessarily specific to gothic but shows up strongly and VITAL to all character writing: control. people need to feel like they are in control or they fucking lose it. always remember when you are writing, kids: what does this character FEEL they have control over? what does this character feel likethey DON’T have control over? that’s your story. that’s plot theme genre and resolution all in one.

i’m drunk and honestly they never brought up shit like this when i was a writing major welcome to my ted talk don’t go to college

ANDREWS BOYS HUG

reggie............... why

wait- (former) mayor mackers is now defending fangs????? i mean i don’t object but?????? who the flying fuck is paying her premium?? last we saw she was representing alice in the cooper divorce that never happened?

okay i dont’ care about the logic because i have always loved mama mackers despite her often being awful so i’m glad she’s being a good little former mayor/defense attorney now

kevin you’re better than this. especially since you were mad because your season one boyfriend aided a crime UNDER DURESS OKAY I’m still not over that joaquin thought fp was the killer and that no one seems to think that might have something to do with why he was chill with helping dispose of the body

“you’re not the one paying us” holy shit. holy fuck. i mean it’s par for the course of the plot right now but that was some good reveal action there.

YEAH KEV YOU LOOK DOWN IN SHAME YOU DO THAT WHILE I TSK

for a minute i thought veronica was paying for fangs’s defense but no she has some weird plotline with her family i was getting optimistic

((i’m not as drunk as i want to be and kinda mad about it))

“Please tell me we’re breaking in” yass gaga yass

betty has a hot pink trenchcoat because she’s an angel and we’re lucky to have her

yes i love the photo from that shoot we saw in slow mo with the great “you don’t own me” cover in season 1. quality throwback there

hiram and the writers have one thing in common and that is they don’t really seem to care about veronica having a plotline outside of her family and boyfriend.

this is weird for fred and hermione and we all need to rewatch the drive in episode to remind ourselves of that

okay i know this is all a part of our shitty northside v. southside “us against them” drama they keep trying to push but in what world could a politician say “the sheriff has apprehended the murderer” literally the day someone has been brought in as a person of interest and held on a circumstantial charge???? stop clapping. nothing she has said is true either factually true or remotely close to what would have been released to the public at this point in the investigation.

ugg i hate this. i hate the creators deliberately showing us hermione taking cues from hiram at this debate. this plot is dumb and tired and i just want to move on. bring back season one hermione and let hiram be a vague, yet-to-be-cast outside figure until at least season three.

reggie is so fucking dumb i hate him so much but i want to kiss his dumb face cuz he’s so pretty and dumb.

yeah kevin you look around with consternation and think about what you’ve gotten yourself tangled up in you adorable doofus.

oh shit son

“i guess sheriff keller’s not lookin so bad right now, huh?” no he still shot an unarmed, fleeling suspect in that back, fred. he’s still terrible.

“actually i’m gunna head home.” good boy. i missed you.

fangs sitting in a holding cell, legs in passé position (i’m taking community ed ballet classes are y’all proud of me i’m exercising for FUN) is GREAT

HERMIONE SHAKING AS SHE DRINKS. good. excellent. be a character instead of a mannaquin again please

fucking FINALLY. FINALLY we see veronica’s occasionally callout of toxic masculinity and misogyny come to a head with this stupid fucking mob family plot. i mean i still hate it. but this is an opportunity for recovery from a bad subplot. i hope they take it.

i honestly don’t know what to think or even hope for? with this “hal might be the black hood” plot. it’s just this grey wall of nothing in my head. i neither want it or don’t want it.

HOLY FUCK WHAT THE SHIT I WASN’T FUCKING READY FOR THIS I KEEP JOKING ABOUT IT BUT

HOLY SHIT *GRABS NEAREST BYSTANDER BY THE SHOULDERS AND SCREAMS IN THEIR FACE* MY BOY IS BACK I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MY GAY BIKER LEO

god why is he so pretty he’s been gone so long i thought i’d dreamed it but there he is dammit pretty as sin

okay i’m happy but i have so many QUESTIONS. first off- please tell me this isn’t like polly and he’s just going to whisk fangs away and not be in any more episodes after a rushed goodbye. SECOND: HAS FP BEEN IN CONTACT WITH JOAQUIN THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME?! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF WEIRD RELATIONSHIP DO THEY HAVE?! IS THERE NOT SOME RESIDUAL MISTRUST/BITTERNESS AT THE WHOLE BODY STUFFING SITUATION LINGERING? *GIVE ME MORE OF THESE TWO AND THEIR WEIRD SURROGATE FATHER/SON/KING/SQUIRE RELATIONSHIP GODDAMMIT* also too: joaquin now has “a place”???????????? honeycakes you are a teenager this isn’t like polly’s “farm” is it?! don’t be in a cult sweetiepie you’re better than that.

also joaquin where is that penguin shirt i love so much you know it’s my fave

why does fp make joaquin stay back??????? is this some misplaced and “too little too late” protectiveness i’m seeing? or was i right before and the actor had scheduling stuff so they could only get him for one scene??? i choose the option that lets me have hope for henry iv and hotspur and hal vibes between these three. my best boys. PLEASE just fucking let there be more of these three together later PLEASE. ive been hurt so many times before just let me have this.

and not for nothing but if they brough joaquin back for one scene and don’t let him and kevin have MOMENTS and/or DRAMA i am SUING

hiram was hard pressed to find someone more impressionable than archie in this town but he managed it so congrats i guess

god this whole episode just feels like this show is getting back on track and i don’t just mean my fave side goober coming back from a fictional beachtown i mean the genral tone/characterization dare i have hope for the last few eps??? dare i lay my heart on the line once more?

honestly it even feels like the SOUNDTRACK is back in business? how is this all happening at once? am i just more drunk than i thought?

electric blue backlight on varchie silhouette? mint.

that shot of betty’s face through the eye hole of the black hood mask? mint.

still don’t know what i think/feel about this but betty is gunna feel pretty gosh diddly darn silly if her dad really is innocent

yes. i like this. less of “archie and jughead are leaders of rival gangs” and more “archie and jughead are frantic and helpless friends caught up in drama too real for them”

“what do we do man?” “i don’t wanna die” oh fuck. oh shit. i feel like jughead is finally facing the concequences of him declaring himself ringleader of these doofuses. he’s finally fucking GETTING it. that gang violence and jail time and all this shit is REAL and not just some moral high horse he can trot out whenever it suits him. WHY IS THIS EPISODE SO GOOD DON’T SAY IT’S THE ALCOHOL CUZ PART OF ME KNOWS.

shit they have been doing fangs a disservice by not letting him have a plot until now this actor has got my heart strings wrapped around his little finger holy shit.

i’m not imagining this right. this is real? the soundtrack being good again? i didn’t just make this up cuz i haven’t drank in over a month and now i’ve had three ciders on an empty stomach?

oh fuck. fp is there. fp is there protecting his kids. reggie is on the war path for no other reason than he’s as dumb as archie without the goodness to temper it. and archie is, as always, too little too late.

but- the angle????? it couldn’t have actually been reggie? unless i missed something??

oh for fuck’s sake, black hood.

i didn’t get a shot of joaquin in that preview. if we don’t get either a “hey preppy” and/or “i was goNE LIKE TWO WEEKS YOU GUYS!” i will riot.

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: none that i counted

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: oh let me see OH WAIT HE’S BACK IN TOWN AND STILL ADORABLE AND LOVABLE AND HE BETTER FUCKING STAY OR I WILL i dunno keep watching and being bitter i guess. just let kevin and joaquin be happy. just let them clear the air and part as friends at the very LEAST. i mean come on. be cool guys.

Episode Outfit MVP: toni’s denim number

Episode Hair MVP: toni’s accompanying hair to the denim number

Cast/Crew Callout: all around snaps? like this is the first time in forever this has felt like the show i fell in love with and i’m actually excited for the next episode. writing was good. acting was great. special shoutout to fangs- who we haven’t been given the opportunity to appreciate much yet but who brought his all to this dramatic plot. i hope we get more of him and his big scared puppy dog eyes.

[nanyoky]

I repeat LODGES WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

"Thistle House " I'm screaming

I know they wrote him out and we're likely never to see him again so this isn't deliberate, but I love that it seems no one has let slip that Joaquin helped FP with the body like I'm glad they're all so protective of the poor kiddo

A cello bow oh fuck

"I can fix this! I can fix this" betty babe

"Try having closure with that" HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

Oh dear oh dear oh dear Archie keeps telling people about him and Grundy and like none of the adults are reacting????

Omg this testimony Cheryl betty fp this is all SO MUCH THAT HUG

Where is Valerie???? Oh she's "sick" so I guess the whole "only women of color" thing is negotiable

that being said, Josie and Cheryl singing milkshake at each other breathily is what my homo erotic dreams are made of

HIRAM DID YOU MURDER SMITHERS I STG HIRAM WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY

Alice go sit on a cactus

Archie no

Oh no oh GOD OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK MAN

Song was good tho

[nanyoky]

WELL i had to wait FAR TOO LONG for the official cw stream to go up but AT LAST:

OH GOD KEVIN WAS THERE

I knew midge was alive and i’m sure is going to be dealing with a lot of trauma right now but i feel like kevin and his surprisingly big strong arms are helping a lot

“i was just... night... jogging... you know?” no we don’t kev. literally no one knows because no one fucking goes “night jogging”

I love veronica and i get that she needs to take control of what she can but she is a smart lass who could have come up with a much better transition than “so our classmates were shot, but no one’s dead! so who wants tv and snacks???”

“i’m trying to get in shape for wrestling” babe. hun. sugar. no you’re not.

I am v sad that it def seems joaquin is not coming back becuase they are trying REALLY hard to remind us how kevin is still upset over the whole stashing bodies thing but honestly i feel like everyone’s so fucked up in this town by comparison that boy’s a kitten and kevin should not let that excellent face go so easily cuz i wanna look at him more okay bb come back

“are your nurses hot what if you pop a boner during a spongebath?” reggie mantel, asking the real questions we all have

midge brings her boi a stuffed moose because she is an angel and we are lucky to have her

YASSSS we get someone saying jughead’s name outloud and the clouds opened up and that look of resigned embarrassment helps me ascend

i’m still not over “jingle jangle” kill me

“Let’s not touch that” i like this toni. she seems like a responsible adult with unrealistically good hair.

god i feel like jughead has no notion of who his dad is to these people. he’s like prince hal if hal somehow didn’t realize his dad was actually king like- for realsies. speaking of someone come talk to me about fp: my garbage warrior king of old codes of loyalty and the battlefield struggling to rule in a time of order and law above man and his nature for violence just talk to me please i have so many feelings and shakespeare vibes

“we don’t keep guns in this house” fred i love you even if you raised a well meaning doofus who’s going to get someone killed come on we all know it’s coming

Archie sarcastic outbursts are not a good look on you but i’m enthralled keep going

“You know my dad” “i do. he’s a good man” like we all love fp but hiram babe you know coming from you that’s kind of a backhanded compliment

“police aren’t always the solution” jesus h christ this is the worst possible thing for archikins to be hearing right now hiram stop this vigilante libertarian diatribe

Okay i’m 99% sure that was just hiram openly trying to invite archie to get himself killed now i know where veronica gets her own clinical inability to be subtle

and now we see a network tv series leaning hard into the superhero trend but in an intriguing sort of way i will reserve judgement

“mom here’s a sketchy lumpy brown envelope that was on the porch with our surname scrawled on it like a crazy person well i’m off to school”

REGGIE’S PROFILE JUST LINED UP WITH THE POSTER OF LORD BYRON IN THE CLASSROOM I AM SCREAMING THIS SHOW IS TRASH BUT LIKE THE MOST GLORIOUS HIGH QUALITY TRASH AND I AM IN LOVE

dilton just casually carving a vampire stake in the corner like the premium psycho he is

“farenheight 451 is the temperature at which paper burns” except it’s not and jughead is the exact kind of pompous weirdo who would know about this classic error just like me come on writers

this teacher is trying so hard not to get his little educator hopes up on this dweeb in a beanie but his soul is doing a dumb little suburban dad dance

kevin is telling betty off for being a main character with a side character bestie and i’m here for the hint of fourth wall breakage

cheryl is LIVING for this drama she’s going to write the juicy erotica novel based on her school’s gossip pool and make millions

also i love that she’s like- kevin’s #1 defender right now? we’ve come a long way from “is being the gay best friend still a thing?” i mean don’t get me wrong i am with betty in the whole “protect kevin’s stupid reckless butt at all costs” department, but if i were kevin i would appreciate the support of my whole heartedly poor choices

[nanyoky]

Archie you are the worst liar in the world

Please don't make this an uncomfortable shower scene this is not the time v

Kevin is still mad at that beautiful boy but at least this time when my side character pet interest got written out he's being mentioned *coughs delicately*

Cheryl arrives with a hair flip and a singed skirt bless you child for you are Satan - my very favorite Satan

Oh god this is a very real shock reaction do not leave him alone like this

Good girl. We'll just ignore the shower scene

Hermione you know how I feel about my stormy weather Catholics, bless

Josie now is not the time for cat puns

[nanyoky]

MELODRAMA TIME

Archie seriously flyers babe honey tasks a nap

FP my garbage warrior king ilu

Archie is still not saying something about the shooting I'm telling y'all

Juggie stop threatening the mayor

Is jingle jangle seriously the drug in this town oh boy

Did Reggie just slap some Archie booty

"Daddy?" "Daddy?!"

Jug no this is the worst plan a character on this show had come up with and that's saying something

Cheryl and Josie are looking especially femme slashy today how wonderful

This lawyer is so shady

Oh God "anonymous buyer" fucking yikes

Lodges why are you all like this I love you

[nanyoky]

MY STREAM DIED JUST WHEN POP TATE WAS BEING ALL DRAMATIC HELP

All the same this is going way too fast I'm a binge watcher at heart I can't handle normal tv fan life

Okay we're back

Oh my god CHERYL MY DEVIL CHILD WORDS DO NOT EXPRESS MY LOVE

"Kiss of life" Cheryl why you so Cray Cray

Are these dream sequences supposed to be hilarious or

Fred my dear I'll hug you back

WUT THE FUCK SERPENTS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

HIRAAAAAAMMMMM

So glad season two hasn't lost the sick beat drop rhythmic editing

Archie is going full Kickass, bless

FUCK DID NOT EXPECT YOU BACK YOU HORRIBLE GRACKLE

DID NOT EXPECT THAT EITHER

FRICK YOU GUYS

FRICK I SAY

[nanyoky]

I'm so fucking ready my friends oh my god

[nanyoky]

Marathoned #riverdale last weekend while editing. Unsubtle in the best way. Not even halfway through draft 3, so starting the whole saga of season one over. Any suggestions for more #americangothic ? #septemberhouse needs to be fed more drama and secrets!!! #scriptwriting or rather #scriptediting

[nanyoky]

I only have like two bottles from the dark days of college left and I’ll be damned if i take them with me when i move

are you fucking serious betty jesus christ poor kevin. he is a better friend than i.

this is honestly the creepiest most awkward thing ever is this supposed to be fun for us as an audience??? am i a prude?????????

okay “I’m.... shy...” was a great delivery

public will reading THAT’S what i’m talkin about

yes hal, divorcing your wife and daughter together like the latter is a relationship you can just opt out of is totally justified this is a totally normal reaction to life being messy

“You can’t divorce me, i DIVORCE YOU” alice cooper back on her bullshit. god bless ‘er

did we know archie knew about hiram owning pop’s? god they really need to work on focusing their plot breadcrumbs. i’m like not surprised or interested in anything anymore

i feel like the directors are just telling sprouse to act SUPER SHOOK and DRAMATIC regardless of what the scene is about and now it’s losing all effect which is a shame

tiny fat cooper bbs

yasss- penelope SNEERING at the idea of toni attending the will reading. cheryl lending toni an outfit while throwing out a rare compliment to someone else’s personal style.

god i hope we get a reveal of how both archie and veronica are plying things close to the chest so as to keep one another safe but i kinda doubt that’s what we’re gunna get

toni laughing at alice’s outburst is like the “take me or leave me” scene in rent where everyone’s reacting to maureen and joann’s Gay Antics(tm)

“this is riveting, i can’t breath” DID THEY JUST. Headcanon: joaquin told everyone the story of “Secrets and sins” and how funny his boyfriend is and so “this is riveting, i can’t breath” became like a meme amongst the teen serpents as like- the thing you say when someone is being laughably extra for zero reason and someone needs to break the tension

POP TATE BACKSTORY

i swear to god jughead if you go against pop’s wishes i will personally astral project myself into the fictional universe of this tv series and grab you by your skinny little throat and throw you in front of a train

“I feel it is my duty to say a few words.” of course you do cheryl. it’s not, but do go on

oh my fucking god. are they really doing this. is this really happening. a resurrection/secret twin plot? jesus h christ. see this is the kind of thing i would have loved if the quality of season one was still present, but as things are i’m just cringing

“Oh mumsy- i had the most frightful daymare.” ....fuck you i love cheryl’s shitty stilted performative psycho dialogue

“we could start our own version of the farm!” *betty face* same, bets, same.

like- we all know chic isn’t a blossom tho. they’re trying to make this mysterious but come on. he looks like a young blond skeet ulrich and we all know it

oh no- are they paralleling kevin catfishing chic to joaquin getting info on the sheriff from kevin in season one oh noooooooo that makes me so saddddd

“I’m brunching, archie, what do you want?” an icon in a time of strife

“I haven’t even gotten to the real talk, fred” MACKERS WOMEN. GODDAMN.

i hate this lodge-mob-family plot but it feels like there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it may end eventually here

oh god are we finally getting jughead finding out about the serpents and the drive in???? in all this mess of a season are we finally getting this high quality drama i’ve been waiting for???

.......and drama is subverted because apparently scenes in this episode can only last a total of ten seconds before another plot point comes up

ugg, chic

SMITHERSSSSSS IN BASICALLY THE EXACT UNIFORM WE LAST SAW HIM INNNNN!!!!

omg are they bringing back the uncomfortable dinner scenes from season one? that was these writers’ strong suite. 

Toni valiantly forging ahead with small talk in the face of the drama of the day draws her closely parallel to veronica. they should interact more

“LESBOS” WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DIALOGUE ANYMORE THEY’VE SWAPPED THE OUTRIGHT BAD DIALOGUE OF SEASON ONE IN FAVOR OF JUST PLAIN WEIRD

i feel like a failure for not pointing out sooner that his name is uncle claudius which is either just a lol and a wink, or foreshadowing- anything’s possible in season two

in any case, uncle claudius supports his gay neices so that’s nice

honestly the most unrealistic part of this season is that betty fully realizes polly is in a cult, but they just don’t talk about it cuz *~*she can make her own choices*~* like- this is betty cooper we’re talking about. no one is allowed to breath if it doesn’t fit her concept of JUSTICE. especially when it comes to the safety of her sister.

honestly they could cut from this to a shot of chic punting those babies into the river and i’d just nod and go “yup. checks out.” and play on my phone some more.

“war baby” is the most riverdale of gang member names

archie you did NOT just bring the dracula comparison into hiram’s study....

“riverdale will be crime free!” is this a plan to just blow it up because otherwise that’s a no. literally no one in this town is a law abiding citizen. i’m sure juniper and dagwood have already managed to steal a pack of cigarettes since they arrived

.....so she’s leaving the farm. with zero drama. because she’s not a character we’re even invested in anymore. kay.

....a privately owned prison. kay.

i mean- i like the implication that maybe it isn’t really “uncle claudius” but actual clifford pretending to be a new person- having probably killed the real deal to fake his own death. but. with everything else being so lame i’m having a hard time getting into it

i mean did anyone have any doubt that there was going to be some big parentage reveal with chic

..... are they seriously going to make a blood pact? what does he also get the secret password to the lodge family treehouse too?

sorry this turned into just me bitching instead of having a good time- i just miss my show

[nanyoky]

Me looking at people's Riverdale Hogwarts sorting posts: I haven't fully formed an alternative but I still know you're wrong

[nanyoky]

Anyway I just filled my queue with a bunch of gothic shit cuz I’m in editing mode again so I hope you all like Riverdale and “tag your oc” posts

[nanyoky]

short cuz i’m tired and this episode was right back on the bs but here we go

what the fuck is this show anymore did she seriously spend the time to put on that CLOAK. i like my version of “cheryl as little red riding hood” campy nonsense better

was fangs REACHING toward fp while he was wheeled away??? what does mr. jones GIVE THESE KIDS TO MAKE THEM SO FUCKING BEHOLDEN TO HIM

“talk to his family” are we actually going to see a serpent family besides the joneses or are we just going to continue to let them be nebulous drifters who spawn from flannel shirt stores

give me season 1 hermione back i miss that boozy bish

god i wish the dumb mob plot didn’t exist so i could appreciate this actor’s ability to be THE WORST in the ebst way. a moment of silence for what hiram could have been

i mean i think a lot of people kinda guess that mrs. klump might be the shooter. but this is really good. i love her instant regret and horror at what she’s done. it’s frustrating and messy but 2real because people grieving are wild and stupid and irrational

goddammit kev. where your characterization go. i miss that guy.

add sweetpea to list of actors who could do so much more given the opportunity

guys i’m so damned tired of the northside v. southside garbage

where is joaquin i need some high quality ex boyfriend drama happening if we’re forced to sit through this dumb plot and bad kevin writing

the only thing soothing this dumb plot is that they’re no longer trying to sell us jarchie on opposing sides and instead as mediators to their respective loosecanons

“betty your dad is in the er you want me to see what’s wrong with him?” “no it’s fine”

POP IS A VETERAN AND THREW MOLOTOV COCKTAILS DURING THE RIOTS IN 79 FUCK YOU THIS IS THE STORY I NEED

alright FINALLY tom keller delivers as misconducting small town sheriff. driving into the middle of gang warfare? half cocked? by himself? with a fucking hunting rifle? there’s kevin’s dad. there’s the pipin hot mess this town deserves.

and again i will mention that i’m FURIOUS sheriff keller and joaquin never met. can you fucking imagine. THIS in frotn the guy who fully starts STUTTERING on finding out who kevin’s dad is? poor bean would full on faint.

oh my god this scruffy dad trio pose they have going on i cant’ handle it. dads to the fucking rescue i love how tom fires the shot, fred just glares sternly and fp goes full “gitonoutta here- git!”

“hot riverdale dads” kev no one of those is yours

jughead pushing sweetpea up against the wall is HILARIOUS because he’s like the size of that dude’s thigh so you know sweetpea had to LET it happen

finally season 1 veronica returns to try to drag season 1 hermione back kicking and screaming as she claws to hang on to the bland 1 dimensional characterization they’ve both been trapped in all season

who’s this joker menacing pop i’ll fight ‘m

hal fucking killed that doctor shit son

penny’s kidnapped toni so i guess that’s a thing

and i’m guessing we get no more joaquin cuz there’s serpents all over the place and he’s still? chilling in fp’s trailer? having a snackpack? catching up on his Faulkner? who knows. not us that’s for sure

hal has a blood stain slowly growing on his right shoulder and we all see it

hm. again i find myself in the space of “if the rest of the show had kept up the campy quality of season one, i’d be enjoying this craziness, but as is i’m just kinda blah”

GODDAMMIT FRED oh wait yasss i love bulletproof vest fakeouts

cheryl here to save her girl and call people “hobgoblin” while wearing all red what could be more cheryl than that

oooo are lodge girls gunna kill this guy together i hope so

what the flying fuck fangs is dead? with such little drama? goddammit the last episode gave me hope that hings were turning around btu then fftpt. nothin. i hope he’s not really dead and the lack of drama is indicative that it isn’t true

this is literallyt he first time we see this hand sign. what is planning ahead. cw showrunners sure don’t know.

oh my god is alice fucking cooper going to sass her serial killer husband. god love this bish

“You’re bad at murder and sex so what’s fucking left for you” gold star taunting

mom and daughter duos murdering is the new hot trend

yasss one last jones boys fight before the inevitable

what do you have up your tiny sleeve juggie

“There’s another body in the study” just fucking let these actors coldly deadpan melodrama for an entire season just let me have this.

the original trio all worried about each other during this phonecall. good stuff. good soundtrack.

okay as you all know i’m REALLY into jones boys/henry iv paralells, but this is not the plot i wanted for “the prince offers himself to the rebels as a prize fighter to spare the army” do better juggie be smarter. read some prince hal monologues and take notes.

we all know he’s fine but we better get some quality hospital bed confessions/heart-to-hearts

and i swear to god if fp doesn’t die in the finale i’m just done. season one was fun but i’m pretty much already done.

[nanyoky]

Did ya miss me

I missed you- and by “you” I mean being drunk and liveblogging melodrama

Once more I had to wait for the official stream to go up at fuckin 12:30 which is UNACCEPTABLE. so this liveblog is kinda cut in half at the point i went to bed

chic is the worst he’s not even a character he’s like a human plot wrench

spoke too soon it is penelope who is the utter WORST

another instance of “i know these actors are my age, but the characters are supposed to be children” because lol what parent would send their sixteenyearold on a “romantic getaway” with their SO????????? writers please remember the premise you’re at least ATTEMPTING to set up???? no one’s highschool life is like this???? 

this “man to man” discussion happening with veronica’s portrait HOVERING between them. honestly.

“midge knows all about us, it’s fine” .....kay. i mean- not impossible- poly people are out there, but i still don’t believe it. *is just super biased because a tiny spark in my heart still hopes for Joaquin to come back*

“It sounds heavenly, V. can you bear it jug?” this is HILARIOUS to me.

CHERYL’S EMBROIDERED PANTS

“i SEE. well. have fun with your ROMANCES.” gpoy cher. gpoy.

oh come on betty, literally any other episode and you would be ALL OVER the plan to use a fun weekeend away to garner more info on the current plot mystery

LOL @ chic’s all but jump scare on jughead

honestly this actor is doing a g9 job with like- the weirdest written part in history (chic i mean) i have no idea what he’s supposed to be to us as a character but the actor is selling it

hints of the old theme remixed in the scoooooorrrreeee!!!!! i missed you so much. bring back the season 1 soundtrack please

the last house on the left is possibly my least favorite classic horror movie of all time and i’m mad at juggie for even bringing it up

((i don’t know how long i’m going to last it’s v. late and i have to move my car for the snowplow early in the morning

holy shit this cabin. like i know the lodges are rich but. jesus.

“LODGE LODGE” HELP ME

cheryl has jughead’s number???? do they call???? text?????? i need deets

“WELFARE BABY”

i love this. i am always a staunch supporter of cheryl being THE WORST at all times, and especially when she feels her control over her life slipping

TONI HEARD FUCKYEAH I’M READY FOR THIS CONFRONTATIONAL MESS

“oh that’s right- you’re new here and are therefore unaware that i am the chaos goddess eris trapped in a suburban gothic nightmare the likes of which shirley jackson would shy away from”

“SAPPHIC SERPENT HANDS” HELP ME THIS IS THE FIC I’VE WANTED SINCE THEY LAID DOE EYES ON ONE ANOTHER

Juggie circling back to being his reasonable self with “i’m not mad about the thing, just upset you didn’t tell me”

“can’t they ever just have like- a conversation?” THIS SCENE IS BLESSED IN SO MANY WAYS

“jalapeno margaritas”  is this an actual thing that exists in reality or are they just desperate to remind us that veronica is in fact latina???????? i don’t know these things- wednesday sushi and cider night is like the extent of my drinking life

that being said there is something really enjoyable about seeing jughead with a neon drink with an umbrella in it

oh my god in a twist of fate, jughead is not turning into fp, but alice with this info gathering convo

"fear not- i have just the antidote” i am 99.9% sure whatever you’re thinking is going to make things worse but GO ON

“jughead and i should kiss. because it’s only fair that all shippers have at least one gif.”

hilariously in character tho, jughead finding this funny and being up for it is just great. love it.

and i love that the bughead conflict for this ep is not actually the kiss but they’re sort of pretending it is for the benefit of varchie bless

((shit i’m fading fast but i’m buzzed and having a nice time i don’t wanna go to bed yettttt))

it started out funny but now drunk juggie is pushing it because he’s still a lil hurt my multi shipper drama loving heart is loving this shit yasssss let the quadrangle sail

HIS FACE. “I was just being a bitch why are you touching me”

“Dont’ freak out” i admit it- i ship it a lil bit. just for funsies. these two highly literate, witty brunettes have great chemistry and it’s not necessarily romantic chemistry but i wouldn’t mind if that got explored a moment or two

“out of the four of us, only you and archie haven’t kissed.” oh really bets? you only just realized this? cuz it’s all we’ve been thinking about since that vughead kiss was revealed in the promo. keep up girlfriend force those boys to smooch for our amusement. dance monkey dance

LOL jughead didn’t know about the cheer tryouts. she dropped that on purpose the lil minx

i still have no idea what they are even trying to portray with dark betty

BAHAHA THIS PARALLEL MATRESS SQUEAKING IS MINT

archie is chopping wood even tho i’m sure there is no need because he’s archie that’s why

oh my gaaaawwwwdddd mackler being an oddly charming side ship but also fucking up the emotional wellbeing of my best kids josie and kevvvvvvv whyyyyyy

i love jughead and archie heart to hearts with every fiber of my being they are just SO TENDER WITH ONE ANOTHER

did we know kevina nd josie talk and hang out??? is this a thing?? i love it- i just dind’t know it was an option for “more of” on my wishlist

KELLER BOYS DRAMAAAAAA but isn’t this realization that the lines are not so clear when it comes to love and morality a good sign for our dear sweet kev looking back and recognizing that maybe dating a criminal is not his worst life choice cuz that criminal loved him please say yes i miss my gay biker leo is joaquin okay? is polly okay? IS SMITHERS OKAY?????

betty is the friend we all need while veronica makes dumb “i’m grumpy with my boy” choices

can’t tell if fp is being uncharacteristically naive or if he knows the score and is just trying to spare his boy

ahhhhhh mackers girls are such powerhouse actresses i have nothing clever to say i just love them

((this is the point i got tired and went to bed so the rest of my liveblog is sober

things are now WEIRD (tm) between kevin and moose and midge and i’m popping my popcorn waiting for the explosion

kevin’s “why the hell not” expression is basically the same as my mood towards my life right now.

“i hear one of those southside boys is gay” HE LEFT, MIDGE, AND SOME OF US ARE STILL SAD ABOUT IT okay yeah they probably just meant fangs and also lol there is not a single straigth serpent lets be real

yeahhhhhhhh midge doesn’t know. moose. moose. why you doin us like this. what did you think was going to happen??? you’d tell kevin midge was cool with it and the two of them would NEVER HAVE A CONVERSATION? people who cheat are baffling to me. also wasn’t moose the one cheryl was making out with at the kegger in jughead’s birthday episode? scoundrel.

midge doesn’t know, but now she kinda knows because she’s not an idiot. you deserve better honeybunch

i don’t blame kevin for his obvious schadenfreude. moose is being an absolute scoundrel to both of them. moose, just apologize to these two precious angels, watch some porn, do some soul searching, get your sexy right, then take another stab at dating in college.

penelope back at it again with another great Woman of the Night(TM) ensamble

is that blair underwood why is he dressed like he’s  in ocean’s eleven i mean don’t stop but

MORE KEVIN AND JOSIEEEEE!!!!!!!!! they’re going to be awkward late in adolescence step siblings but they’re going to be WONDERFUL TOGETHER and BURN THE WORLD DOWN FOR ONE ANOTHER and i just love them both so muchhhhh!!!!

*revving up as cheroni brews* yes. yesss. yasssssss. YASSSSSSSSSSSSS

honestly headcanon? cheryl has probably never had a real crush before. she had her weird twin soulmate/codependency/heroworship for jason, and probably compared how she felt about other guys to that like “i don’t care about them as much as jayjay, so obviously it can’t be more than a passing fancy” but she’s always surrounded by women but also a ton of internalized misogyny so her thoughts on her own romantic and sexual feelings were very messy and confused and now she’s trying to work through her issues and toni’s like- not afraid of her but not dismissing her problems either and you can just see her light up at the attention and chance to be listened to and cared for AND OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SHIP AN THEY’RE LITERALLY JUST WATCHING A MOVIE TOGETHER IN PUBLIC AS ACQUAINTANCES

I LOVE CHERONI FIRST DATE AND KEVIN AND JOSIE FIRST SIBLING OUTING HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME WITH CUTE CHEESY TEEN COMING OF AGE POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS HAPPENING IN THE FOREGROUND

“when do we meet chic?” “i already did” and he’s super weird put it off as long as possible v

hiraaammmmm. i’m so done with you you’re like a plot rhino but not in a good way

come on guys we were having such good and tender heart to hearts don’t let this dumb mob plot ruin this episode

wut the fuck is this a dream sequence

but also

HOLY SHIT THIS IS GOING TO TURN INTO MY GOTHIC ARE THEY GOING TO KILL THESE GUYS AND TAKE THE SECRET GO THEIR GRAVES??????

V knows where the weapons are mace/shoot that muthafucker, babe i got your louboutins

or a panic button is good too

no why can i hear ryan bergara’s voice narrating this “the four teens were forced on their knees. ballistics show that andrews was shot first-”

are we ever going to get archie help for his MULTIPLE PTSD SOURCES

v why would you explain this to himmmmm

ANDRE IS GOING TO KILL THIS DUMBASS KID AND ARCHIE IS GOING TO BE WRACKED WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED AGAIN FUCK ARCHIE NEVER GO OUT IN NATURE AGAIN

holy fuck it’s literally another gunshot. SOMEONE GET ARCHIBALD ANDREWS INTO THERAPY THIS INSTANT HE IS TWO FOR TWO ON HEARING GUNSHOTS AND THEN FINDING OUT SOMEONE IS DEAD LATER

MACKLER FAMILY MEETING. this show is just a bunch of kids who are sporadically better at adulting than their parents

this is sweet and heartwarming but i feel like toni just by virtue of being a serpent has so much practice being on the receiving end of a coming out. because there are no straight serpents. none. fact.

like why do i imagine bb serpents at a birthday party with like- twelve yo toni and joaquin as olive and brandon from easy a. just picture them playing seven minutes in heaven but instead he comes out to her like 10 seconds in but she’s a bro about it and they tell everyone they got to second base. ....maybe i just love imagining adorable bb serpents. and i just want joaquin to have friends and be okay wherever he is. what of it. just let me have this.

*hefty sigh* i don’t like vengeful archie. this season archie has only had a moment or two of saving graces. i miss season one. and i miss season one archie. of course i will eat my words if this is him playing things close to the chest to keep stability and safety between him and hiram

what the fuck even is this show anymore

Episode Scorecard:

# of sick beatdrop rhythmic editing sequences: none that i counted, but the season one theme was back more prominently than i think we’ve heard this season? which i really liked because damn i miss the atmosphere of season one and the soundtrack was a huge part of that

Do I still miss Joaquin? Duh. it would be totes healthy for kevin to be single for a bit and work on how best to love himself, as we all need to learn and relearn throughout our lives, but if he must have romantic prospects, bring back the love interest that looked at him like sun shone out his butt. or just bring him back and not have him be with kevin. i like his face. and his weird sad misplaced loyalty to fp. and his penguin shirt.

Episode hair MVP: Toni’s is kind of my new default she has such good hair

Episode outfit MVP: Cheryl’s embroidered pants

Episode cast/crew shoutout: the atmosphere as a whole felt a lot more like the parts of this show i like than it has lately. combo of soundtrack and writing. some writing choices i liked more than others. mostly i’m just happy our beloved side characters got some time to shine once more