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myelocin · 4 years

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Redefining You | Kuroo T. , Miya A.

Summary: The three times you realize you love Tetsurou, and the fourth where you finally say it. A redefinition of the love that came to you, unanswered.

Characters/Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou, You, (Miya Atsumu comes on ch 2)

Warnings/ Genre: Mentions of alcohol (beer?), tattooed!Kuroo, Angst, Unrequited Love, Healing, Slice of Life

Word Count: 3.2k

a/n: I felt some things last night and thought about some songs, so therefore here is an angst that is near and dear to my heart.

[Part 1] | Part 2 | Epilogue | Bonus

The first time the thought came to you was at age 13. You didn’t know what love was, never really felt it before, but as you stared at the way he hid behind his bangs and shuffled closer to his black jacket- you felt it. The first tap on your heart, first flutter of the butterflies, and the first kisses of an oncoming blush blooming onto the apples of your cheeks.

At thirteen, Kuroo Tetsurou said his hellos through cheeky smiles and light laughter. When he didn’t have volleyball, he’d be seated next to you in your orchestra class sharing a music stand, and engaging in small talk. He scoffed at your weird jokes, but he looked straight at you when you talked about your day.

You remember thinking about him in the school bus on the way home.

In him, you saw happiness; felt it even. During movie “dates” where the two of you watched Bridge to Terabithia while video calling at one in the morning because actual dates at the movie theater weren’t allowed by your mom just yet. Now, in your older years, you still often think back to those moments and laugh to yourself at how you turned beet red at Tetsurou typing ‘ur cute.’ on the chat box.

And so at thirteen years old, though still innocent towards the idea of love, through your own definitions you decided that the only explanation was that you loved him. And so love him you did.

The second time was four years later. You had moved abroad after your mother’s passing, and hadn’t really thought about the boy with the seemingly eternal bedhead. You flowed into your new routine quite easily despite the stark difference in culture and environment. At this point, though you still had moments where your thoughts ghosted over Tetsurou, you concluded it to be the stage where it had become just a funny memory.

Except, of course, there was that one vacation your dad forced you to go on (it being his hometown), the one where you literally knew nobody and didn’t speak a word of the dialect, in some weird turn of event you found yourself pressing the call button next to his name. Long story short, there was a really awkward conversation about why you were calling him at five in the morning but he eventually cracked a joke that was so like him, that the conversation with him just flowed naturally afterwards.

A call turned into two, and then before you knew it, despite on standing in the opposite sides of the world, a deeper friendship between the two of you grew.

Phone calls between the two of you became a regular fixture of your day, something that you eventually looked forward to. Still keeping in contact with the same group of friends you and Tetsurou grew up with, sometimes it felt like you never left at all. You found out that he eventually left orchestra and instead devoted his time to the volleyball team in his highschool along with Kenma. It seemed like a natural choice for him to leave. After all, you saw him often scowl at the orchestra teacher during breaks.

At seventeen, you had that feeling again. You felt the familiar flutter during every goodnight and good morning call Tetsurou slipped within your day. Snapshots within your day included a random selfie Tetsurou had sent you and various other text messages that updated you about his day. For almost three years, you saw him through a screen. You saw Tetsurou falling asleep while flipping through an algebra textbook, yelling with or at Kenma with a game controller, or just laying back in his bed tossing and catching a volleyball while you flipped through your own notes. The distance didn’t mean much to you because despite being thousands of miles apart, it felt like Tetsurou was right there.

Your favorite moments had to be the summer of your final year in highschool.

It became a routine where Tetsurou, knowing that you completely trashed your sleeping schedule, you were more than awake at three in the morning for him to call. That summer he finally got his license and developed the habit of driving around with you, plastered on the screen of his phone, your voice blasted on the speaker instead of playing the music you knew he liked driving to.

He’d stop by a convenience store to buy ice cream and eat it with you (having your own midnight snack) at a quiet parking lot some distance from the city. And the two of you would stay like that for hours. You’d muse about the three a.m. thoughts swimming around your head that night and he’d listen, with the occasional snarky comment (that became endearing to you over the years), and he’d talk about the three p.m. thoughts swimming in his.

And despite being on opposite sides of the world, you managed to watch the sun together. Though, the only difference was that as it rose on your corner of the world, he sat and watched it set in his.

“We’re watching the same sun, though,” he’d say, and in a way, it made the distance feel a little absent.

So your heart decided to beat again, during a Saturday evening that autumn: when you accepted the skype call at seven p.m. and waved a good morning to a sleepy Tetsurou. He replied with a good evening before settling back into his bed with a mug of coffee and his fleece blanket wrapped up to his head.

“If you were here we could have actually gone on a date instead of that shitty video call, you know.”

You looked at him, pouting into his mug of coffee, eyes still a little bleary from sleep and figure enveloped in a giant blanket. “I know.”

“I bet we’d look cute together, (y/n).”

You pressed your face into the heels of your hands and scrunched your nose towards the screen. “Tetsu, I would look cute. You’d look slightly cuter next to me.”

He scrunched his nose and retaliated with an equally snarky comment, but you didn’t mind. The same flutter in your stomach told you that you didn’t mind. The way your heart pounded a little faster as you looked at your best friend bathed in the morning light, hit the final nail in the coffin with the assurance that you absolutely did not mind.

The third came in scattered moments.

For a while you had kept it as a secret for yourself, but eventually coming clean to Kenma one night as he drawled about how annoying Tetsurou had gotten over his new girlfriend. The blonde gave you a look through the screen before groaning, “My God, (y/n). I was rooting for you two.”

You couldn’t find it in yourself to hate the girl. Next to Tetsurou, she seemed like sunshine and you could see it. In the way his smile tilted a little higher and the way his eyes shone when she spoke. He often replied to her with a voice as soft as hers, so you yielded. “He’s happy, Kenma.”

Kenma looked at you with a flat look, so you took his silence as his response. Huffing out an exhale and pushing the controller to the camera’s line of vision, you met Kenma’s stare. “Another round?”

The realization didn’t come as a completed that came to you at once.

Slowly, even as you told yourself that you were okay, and whatever this was is okay, you knew convincing yourself was another story. The dynamic between the two of you didn’t change, or at least on Tetsurou’s part he genuinely thought that it didn’t.

The mornings and evening calls were still constant even though the duration had become shorter. Gone were the nights you’d idly sit and watch Tetsurou fight sleep during homework. But it was fine. You knew she must have kept him awake enough to finish the worksheets.

Jealously was an ugly emotion, you thought.

You knew it didn’t suit you, but you couldn’t help but feel it bubbling during that one Sunday night he’d rang you up at five thirty in the morning, because he knew you wouldn’t hesitate to answer (you didn’t), and waved a hello before flipping the camera and showing his girlfriend shyly waving at you from the passenger seat of his car.

Your throat tightened when you looked at the watch, then looked at the screen where he forgot to flip the screen, showing the setting sun’s light cast on the two.

You laughed out your excuse of needing to catch up on a little more sleep before you clicked your phone off and turned towards the window.

The sun had risen, and your heart may have clenched a little at the thought that he was watching the same sun set with someone who wasn’t you, but Tetsurou smiled in that special way with the twinkle in his eyes, so even as you watched the sky light up from the first peaks of the sun’s rays, you decided that because you loved him—you didn’t mind.

The next year continued like that. The friendship stayed although the dynamic you two shared changed. As the year progressed, you took note of the dwindling calls, and hasty text messages. You didn’t bother to keep up with how their relationship deepened, but still had the heart to like every Instagram post either of them posted during anniversaries. You held on to the birthday messages or songs he randomly sent you and listened to the words that you sometimes imagined were what he meant for you. Once in a while the conversation would last longer than the occasional greetings and things felt like they clicked back into place again. But the next day, there never came the nostalgic good morning, or the sight of him with bleary eyes in the morning light, so you tucked that little piece of memory and listened to the same three songs you imagined were for you.

And because you loved him—for that time it was enough.

Before the autumn of the following year began, you found yourself seated on a twelve hour flight back to Tokyo where for the first time, in over seven years, you stood in front of him. Tetsurou was beaming, and you felt choked up.

Tetsurou’s hello was made known through a tight hug and a, “Glad you’re home.” So for that short while, you wrapped your arms around him and breathed the scent of his jacket, because for the first time in seven years, in a way he felt a little like home.

So as he sat across from you and said, “You would’ve loved her! She had to go somewhere that’s why she can’t come. But maybe you can meet another time!” you didn’t have it in you to let your smile crack and instead reached forward to clap him on the shoulder.

“Tetsu, you’re whipped.”

He laughed but nodded at your comment, but again, you took note of his happy smile so you let yourself try to mirror the emotion he held in his. And because you loved him, you thought of the tunes of the songs you imagined were for you and searched for the momentary peace in that.

That one time where you finally broke your silence was when he walked into your apartment with a chipped smile.

Another two years had passed where you watched Tetsurou grow into a new identity. He still cracked the same jokes from years ago, that you remembered, but his change was first subtle with the way he liked his coffee made to the resolve hardening in his eyes, and to the ink that wrapped around his arms. But he still had moments that made him reach out to you, and in those times you’d catch him animated about the most mundane things in early sunlight— you allowed yourself to love him quietly in silence.

“I have beer,” he said as he shrugged off his coat and rolled his sleeves up.

From your spot standing in the kitchen, you eyed the fresh ink on his arms. “New ink?”

Tetsurou placed the pack of beer in the middle of your table before taking a seat in the couch. He threw his head back and looked at you. “Yup. Got it earlier. Come sit,” he patted the empty space next to him with a little extra emphasis, “I really need a hug.”

Grabbing the bowl of chips from the counter, you made your way to where he was and sat at the empty space next to him. Automatically he slumped against your form and began picking at the chips.

Your hands patted the spikes in his hair and you leaned back, Tetsurou warm against your side.

“I feel like I’m dying,” he mumbled in your side.

“You’re not dying, Tetsu. Your heart just hurts.”

“I really love her,” his voice didn’t crack like you expected it to but his hand fisted the hem of your sweater a little tighter, so you sunk your hands into his hair and began smoothing out the wilder pieces. This had always distracted him, so you hoped it worked this time around.

You gestured for him to sit up and follow you as you grabbed a can of beer as you sat up. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

Tetsurou grumbled a little before grabbing his own can and following you to the balcony. You leaned against the railing, cracked the tab open and took a swig. Tetsurou joined you by the railings and clinked his beer against yours before taking his own sip.

Tokyo’s skyline looked beautiful in the night. You peered at the man standing next to you, his own can pressing against his lips. “What made you get a new tattoo?”

He shrugs. “Don’t know.”

He paused to sigh. “Just felt like it.”

“You know you’re a good person right?” you ask.

“I’m not as much of a saint as I wish I was.”

“None of us are saints.”

He tipped tipped the can back and gulped down the remainder of his beer. “Not many people have broken a person either.”

And after a little pause in silence, you reassured him, “You’re gonna be okay, Tetsu. In time.”

“I don’t think I’m in that mindset yet.”

“Yet.”

He looked at you and sighed again. You thought even with tired eyes he looked beautiful. “Yet,” he repeated back.

And somehow along that night, the hours stretched into a comfortable silence.

This felt a little like déjà vu. With Tetsurou settled behind you, chin on top of your head as he enveloped your form in his, the both of you facing the east. Little specks of yellow lights began to dance around the sky.

Tetsurou’s voice broke through the silence as he said, “Have you ever loved someone?”

You closed your eyes and leaned into his warmth, already rehearsing the tunes of the song that brought you a false blanket of serenity over the years. “I have.”

“You did?” he asks, and his is tone sounded a little shocked, but you felt it in you that deep down he must have known, or suspected something even.

“Yeah. Eight years. I saw him in everything.”

“How,” his tone was a little more tentative his time, considering he was now dancing on unfamiliar territory, “how did you let go?”

“I haven’t yet.”

He stayed silent but he squeezed you a little tighter.

And then the two of you watched as the yellow of the sun finally broke through.

Slowly, the morning light illuminated the outline of Tokyo. You truly felt like you were in some sort of déjà vu as you looked at Tetsurou, for the first time, bathing in the same light, from the same sun, where you fell in love with him all those years ago.

You thought back to when your friend had told you that experiencing déjà vu meant that it was the universe’s own way of telling you that you’re going down the right path. And looking up Tetsurou, who felt the warmth of the sun with his head tilted back and eyes fluttered close, you knew you were right where you’re supposed to be.

Which was why you traced the ink on the side of your wrist and in a steady voice spoke, “I love you.”

He stepped back and looked at you. “What?”

His expression looked a little confused and you smiled. Holding out your wrist to him, you spoke again, “I began to tell myself that every day.”

“I realized because he made up such a big part of my life, when he moved on I felt missing and stuck. Kind of like being in a loop.” You giggled and willed yourself to remember the meaning of déjà vu again before continuing, “So like, the times where he’d be gone, I just decided to replace them by telling myself that I love me. I told myself good morning, and goodnight, and kept snapshots of my day to remind myself that I’m living this life and moving forward.”

Tetsurou looked beautiful in the morning light. Confused, but still beautiful.

“I realized in those eight years, I lost so much of myself. And he looked so happy. His eyes were literally sparkling, Tetsu! I thought that shit only happened in anime. But that kind of love happened to him so I thought I deserved that too.”

“I got this tattoo a few weeks ago, see?”

You turned your wrist to the side and watched as he traced over the inked bundle of baby’s breath. “I read somewhere that it meant everlasting love. I was in the middle of another sad girl hour moment so I thought why not give it to myself? It’s a start, right?”

Tetsurou’s lips quirked up at your words before he looked at you. “I’m proud of you.”

You looked back and met his gaze. It didn’t hold the same sparkle that it did for her but you didn’t mind. The feeling of déjà vu never went away so you inhaled a sharp breath. Tetsurou truly did look beautiful in the morning light, more so as he stands in front of you with a gentle look in his eyes. More than five of the eight years that you knew him had you spent dreaming about the morning like this where you’d stand with your hands in his own, eye to eye in the same side of the world looking at the same sun that lay witness to your growth.

You took him into his arms and buried your face in his chest, inhaling his scent. He smelt as familiar as he felt. And the moment still feels like déjà vu you feel like you could cry. Your heart constricts in the way that kind of hurts but also kind of doesn’t, and you feel his hand rub circles on your back, so you speak, “You’ll find peace, Tetsu. We’ll get there.”

His cheek presses against the crown of your head as he murmurs, “In time.”

And in that moment you realize that even though you love him, first you tell yourself a silent ‘I love you’ , and then echo, “In time.”

proceed to part 2 here!

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