#vakta long posts

[vakta]

"eat for me please" makes me want to throw up tbh

[vakta]

happy rambling abt my new dorm :)

now it's decided, i'm going to live in a dorm next year, so not in an apartment and not at my uncle's either. but i'm actually quite happy with this.

this dorm is very different compared to the one i used to live in, bc that was the dorm of my high school and this is a dorm for students who are adults. and it's so cool bc you can go anywhere at any time of the day, even drinking alcohol is allowed lol, not like i'm gonna do that, i can't drink bc of medication, but still.

i'm on my own in a room with 2 beds and a tiny bathroom and a fridge also which is super awesome!! in that high school dorm we only had 1 bathroom on our corridor and the fridges were on the corridor too, which was very inconvenient bc my stuff from there was stolen quite often :/ but that won't happen again now so i'm glad :) and i'm allowed to bring a microwave, a toaster and a water boiling machine too!

oh and i used to have 5 roommates lol. now i don't have any B) ok this sounded not so friendly but my roommates were rly loud and i had to study way more than they did and i just couldn't. luckily this won't be a problem anymore either, but actually i'm planning on looking for a roommate, maybe i will try to find one at one of those facebook groups yk that are made for this.

but yeah i think this will be cool, i'm very hopeful. finally no more teachers telling me to turn off the lights at 11 pm oh my god what a life this will be. super super cool i feel like such an adult hehe B)

[vakta]

tw kcals

i've just forced this thing down. lol. you see that number right, yes. what even is this lmao.

my grandpa had surgery and he has to drink these nutritional/energy drink thingies, similar to the ones i've been drinking too. but he doesn't like the chocolate flavour they gave him at the pharmacy so we swapped them, he gave those to me and i gave him my strawberry and vanilla ones in return.

but there are like twice as much kcals in these than in the ones i've been drinking so far lol. this isn't even frightening anymore it's just fucking funny.

it tasted like pure nougat btw. it was kinda nauseating in the end but i drank it and 20 minutes have already passed and i'm good so far. a bit nauseaous but hey how could i not be after this lmao. i'm actually laughing now. this is ridiculous. like sure, for lunch, or for breakfast, one of the 3 bigger meals. but i have to drink these as snack. snack. just a light snack yk. this is so fucking funny to me for some reason.

also i've been listening to fearless by le sseraffim on repeat for the last idk 30 mins i fucking love this song

[vakta]

hi hi, i've been very inactive for a few days.. it actually didn't rly have any special reason ig but hey

firstly, it was bc i was tired after my exams and i was also still rly busy the next days, then afterwards when i finally had time i thought i had to like explain why i had been inactive and i kept procrastinating on that lol. bc i can't just be like "dinner time yAY" after 4 days of silence yk. but now i'm here and yeah i don't have a better explanation than this.

also, i had my first appointment at the psychiatrist, she told me i'm depressed. she told me a bunch of other stuff too, but uuh i don't rly want to talk about that bc a lot of that made me feel like crap and i don't even want to think about it. she made me rly hopeless abt my life that's for sure lol but now it's better, that happened on last tuesday so yeah it was a while ago, now i've thought abt things and i've kinda accepted it?? like i'm still not rly hopeful but now i'm not heartbroken i'm just like eh. ik this doesn't rly make sense out of context, maybe i will make a post with context later.

yeah so,, i'm here againnn how cool is that haha ha yeah .. now you can read my incoherent rumbles again!! how awesome that must be!!! i mean yeah it's actually rly nice to post sth again, this way i'm a lot less lonely!! i love y'all sm guys omg you make my lonely homeschooled/isolated-on-the-countryside life sm more liveable <3

[vakta]

i think i rly need a hobby or something. maybeee i should start making bracelets again.. i used to make some pretty cool ones last summer. there's this pattern which i rly like now, if i do make a bracelet again, this is the one i'm making (it's 35184 btw):

i think it looks rly cool :D

but the thing is, i just feel so tired. like ehh i don't rly want to do it now.. especially the beginning yk, like cutting the strings and stuff. if i get through that the rest would be easier and more fun tho. idk. i'm sleepy too. uh.

last summer i didn't need to force myself to do these. i remember i didn't rly do any productive stuff during the first half of the summer but then i think in the end of july i felt the motivation to make these bracelets and it was fun. and i remember thinking abt how if we rly are let to rest and do whatever we want, we won't just lie around in our rooms doing nothing for eternity, we are going to start actually doing things after we've rested enough. i experienced this last summer.

so maybe i shouldn't force myself to do things this time either? because the motivation will come when i've rested enough, right? rest is important i know that. so maybe i will sleep back now, while listening to a podcast perhaps.

i feel a bit ashamed that i'm not doing more.. but it's vacation i guess. it's time to relax.. why don't i find more productive stuff relaxing tho? like ppl read books and it makes them feel relaxed but to me it's not rly that relaxing or idk.... now i remember some fanfics i read last summer which were actually quite relaxing to read. but with reading i always feel like i need to hurry up and finish the book and i'm always rly stressed until i finish it and idk why i feel like this, this is so stupid. if i liked reading more i wouldn't feel like this probably, bc then i wouldn't want to finish reading so bad.

i used to like reading when i was younger, idk what happened. actually i remember i stopped reading so much when i actually made friends, and my friends liked watching anime so i started watching anime too. but now i can't watch anime either bc it makes me stressed too, i'm stressed until i don't finish the series. and this is so fucking stupid oh my god. who told me that i have to finish things this is so stupid. why can't i just watch 3 episodes or read half of a book and be okay with that? why does that feel worse than not even starting the thing?? this is fucking stupid bro i'm gonna work on this i mean i will try not to feel this way. and tell myself it's ok if i don't read the whole book, it's ok if i don't watch more than a few episodes. it's ok. it really is.

you get to enjoy things even if you don't strive to get the maximum out of them. i think this is very important to remember.

[vakta]

some vent with slight weight mention (no numbers tho just some talking abt weight)

so. i'm going to see my psychiatrist today. i didn't manage to reach the goal weight she had set for me, which is required to be allowed to recover by myself and not be sent into hospital. so yeah, i'm probably going to hospital :/

i can already hear her pointing at the diagram of my weight and asking stuff like "why did this go back to lower after it had increased? why didn't it keep increasing? why?? why???" and like ma'am pardon but i do not know. i have no idea. weight fluctuates, i don't have 100% control over it, you cannot just do that. so like maybe don't ask questions like this pls bc i literally cannot answer them.

however this time i'm going to be cooperative and won't protest if she tells me to go to hospital. my digestion has got to a point thankfully where i think i can manage this even if they force food down my throat. like obvs it won't be pleasant and it will still probably be painful, but it won't be at that level of misery where it would have been before.

the thing is, i really am trying. i'm trying my best, but my psychiatrist doesn't seem to believe me (neither does my dad). and i'm tired. i'm tired of being told that i'm not doing enough, that i'm not trying hard enough, or that in fact i'm not even trying at all and my whole being is entirely defined and controlled by anorexia. but at the hospital i won't be the one making decisions anymore. which means i won't be the one to be judged based on the outcomes either. and that will be really nice. i hate being judged. i hate not being enough. this way i won't need to worry about this.

all in all, i'm not terrified of the thought of the hospital anymore, in fact now i feel like that would be the better option actually, because again, i am so fucking tired of this.

sooo yup, my appointment at the psychiatrist today is 5 pm - 6 pm, so a bit more than an hour until then. i'm gonna update y'all.

[vakta]

omw to see life coach guy!!

i haven't talked with him for almost 2 months omg. i had exams and stuff so i didn't rly have time, and yeah i mean if i rly rly wanted to i would've been able to find time, but that would've been stressful so it was better this way, even though it would've been rly nice to talk with him. but now exams are over and i'm rly glad to see him again bc he always helps me a lot!!

my dad was like "you haven't even thought of him all this time have you" and dad pls don't assume what i think about ok. i have thought of him. and my dad also asked if my psychiatrist knows about him and yea she does and she doesn't mind it, and second of all, if she didn't like the fact that i see him, i wouldn't be allowed to talk to him ?? or what. bruh he helped me so so much more even in these few months than that psychiatrist did in more than a year. so like let me see him pls. but yeah he lets me, so that's cool.

also my sister went jogging this morning which was kinda triggering :// i mean yk i used to jog a lot, not only to burn kcals but also to make my dad proud of me for once. it didn't rly work though. to calm myself down i wanted to make a post with affirmations and one i thought abt was "your worth isn't based on your achievements" and whoa that hit me kinda hard i mean yes i know this, i wouldn't have been able to think of it if i didn't, but yk still, i don't actually feel this way abt myself. maybe i should try.

when my sister arrived home i asked her if the jogging was good (partly bc i couldn't control myself but i thought abt it before asking and i think it was normal, like small talk), and she said yeah. and it sounded sincere. so ig that's cool. i mean this helped me a lot to calm down, it's not triggering (maybe just a tiny lil bit) if she does it bc she likes it, and not for the stupid reasons i did.

so yeah this was my morningg:) i hope y'all are okay, have a lovely day <33

[vakta]

tw ed thoughts :/

(it's just some incoherent rambling)

i was so fucking afraid of this. bc i know what happened last year, i remember it. i remember how i got all scared when i almost reached my recovery goal weight and how i relapsed then. and i don't want to relapse now.

i don't even hate how i look now, in fact i have way better body image than last year, like seriously it's a LOT better than like ever since i can remember it. so that's cool. but. i am so fucking scared of gaining more.

i'm scared of how i would look then. and what others would think. would they think i've let myself go?? i haven't let myself go, i've picked myself up, but i don't think that's visible from the outside. i mean yeah, i actually can say i'm happier now, there's a difference between how i was at my lowest and how i am now, but there wouldn't be a visible difference if i gained again (or rather, if i continued gaining), and people wouldn't understand.

idk i depend a lot on other people's opinion. other people's approval. even though i know this is silly, even though i know it shouldn't matter. but i'm starting to realise that words of affirmation is my love language, which isn't good news, because of course then i'm gonna do anything that can make someone proud of me. i want to be someone who is worthy enough for people to be proud of them.

and sure i won't gain weight forever. i will probably just settle at my set point weight naturally right? and that can's be that much can it.

but. there's an issue. idk how to eat normally.

i don't know what's a normal amount or how many times and how big portions and i don't even know what's the feeling of hunger or fullness or satisfaction and i am so confused, just so so damn confused.

i just don't know, i have no idea how to do this. i try not to listen to my "ed voice" but at this point i very often don't even know which voice is the ed one and which isn't. and then i choose the "eat it" option because that's probably more recovered right? but i don't think i should be eating past fullness all the time?

i am so scared, idk how to do this. i just want to be normal. i just want to eat normally. please. i don't want this disordered shit, i want to be normal.

those energy-fibre drink thingies (which were prescribed by my psychiatrist) don't help either anymore, because that's obviously not how people normally eat. and i want to learn how to normally eat, preferably before school starts at september, because i rly don't want to have to deal with this on top of school too. that's a lot in itself already, especially this next year oh my god.

i am scared. i am so fucking afraid. i don't know how to do this, i don't know how to be normal. and i can't even say that every meal is a struggle because i fucking love eating. i love food. and this freaks me out even more, because what if i'm going to eat / i'm eating more than what would already be enough? what if i will use eating as a coping mechanism too often? (i think that eating can be used as a coping mechanism in a healthy way but not in every extent, i hope this makes sense)

so um yeaa,,,, i was so afraid that i would feel like this when i reach my goal weight :/ and uhh... i just want to finally recover. so many things trigger me, it's ridiculous.

i wanted to learn how to eat normally by the time i would get here. i didn't manage that. partly bc of my psychiatrist tbh, because she put much more emphasis on weight than anything else.

and now here i am. afraid. terrified. but i won't relapse, i can't relapse, i really want to succeed at this. but i'm undeniably quite lost rn.

[vakta]

looong vent abt my lovely dad

my dad isn't very enthusiastic. he said "you want to cook AND bake too? aw don't.." and like.. why?? dad i need the confidence boost that comes with cooking. or idk at this point i don't feel like it would be a confidence boost bc it wouldn't make him happy. i wanted to make him happy, i wanted to make a lovely dinner and some yummy cake, that he and my mom and my sister would all like, and they would be proud of me and i wouldn't feel so useless.

but no, my dad doesn't want me to do this but idk why?? wouldn't it be good for everyone??? man if your problem is that it's noisy then fuck off it's not my fault you decided to work from home literally in the kitchen. ok not literally, he works in the living room (he doesn't have an office) but there isn't a wall between our kitchen and living room so it's almost like he's in the kitchen. and i get it. it's noisy. i don't like noise when i'm studying either but. you could have done sth about this already??? like he's been working from home since the beginning of 2020. he could've easily move his "office" (=his desk) upstairs, there's enough space in their bedroom, and there's also this wardrobe room where there's a lot of stuff yes but if he wanted it, we would turn it into an office. but no. he has to stay here and get angry at us for cooking. shit, even for microwaving food. dude. i am so annoyed at this. fuck.

and why can't he just fucking communicate? i mean most of this is just speculation bc he didn't fucking tell me what his problem is. he just told me not to cook, but in a "pls don't do this stupid thing i won't forbid it but pls don't" voice and idk what that meant exactly. i just don't know. dude communicate for god's sake. i was already a bit anxious to tell him i will cook and i thought it was just my stupid anxiety or sth bc this isn't sth to be anxious about, well i was wrong. this is why i was anxious, bc he says stuff that make me ashamed of myself while not even understanding what i did wrong bc he doesn't fucking tells me that. the does this all the time. getting angry at me without telling me why the thing i did was wrong. i'm so sick of this. dude. i'm trying to communicate with you. maybe i'm not trying hard enough. but you aren't trying at all.

ok maybe he's trying and he just sucks at it. like i don't want to assume that he isn't trying bc one of the worst feelings in the world imo is when you're trying but noone believes you and they all think you're just lazy. but. if he actually is trying and this is all he can do that's fucking sad, man. so fucking sad..

ughhh... now i don't know what to do. he didn't forbid cooking or baking but he clearly doesn't want me to do both, but idk if he wants me to do neither or one and if one then which one. and i can't ask him bc i'm afraid he will get angry with me. dad ily but please. tell me wtf is wrong. i want to make you dinner. i want you bake you a cake. i want to make you happy. i want you to be proud of me. i did the grocery shopping all on my own, are you proud of me? dad please just be proud of me. i'm trying so fucking hard to be worthy of that.

[vakta]

i think i may have just had an anxiety attack

[vakta]

i read some stuff from my diary which i had been writing from last september to february while balancing myself on the thin line between pseudo recovery and a full blown relapse,, it was moderately triggering, but what's more interesting is how i could see myself slowly growing more and more unstable and almost literally going insane as the months went by, and funnily enough i wrote down in september that the dorm was a bad influence on me and that i wasn't supposed to track my jogs to see how fast i ran, but no, i kept doing it, alongside all the other damaging behaviours. but at least i'm at home now, aren't i? i'm not in that hell anymore. and i'm never going back to the dorm, so that's nice. but now i feel kinda down.. only reading this made me sad, and i had been living like that for months..... that's just fucked up.

but!! what's good is that now i see that this was fucked up!!! i don't live the way i did anymore, and i don't think the way i did anymore, now i actually want to recover!!! so that's cool. also, i'm sure others have things worse than i did, no doubt, but this still made me shocked, i mean the difference between how things were and how i felt and saw the world back then, and how these things are now is incredible, and i'm so so grateful for my parents for getting me out of there.

[vakta]

ohh my biggest chemistry exam so far will be exactly 3 weeks later..... i am ✨️ f r i g h t e n e d ✨️

[vakta]

my hair is falling out, i can't stand up without going blind for a moment, i'm cold and exhauseted all the time, but sure, body, use that limited energy of yours to make me have a period, definitely the right thing to care about

[vakta]

a little update about what/how i am doing lately . . . .

to put it short: my therapist and my parents dont let me go to school or stay in my dorm so im staying at home for a few weeks (at least); should be recovering, but i dont rly have the motivation to do so, and my digestive issues make it even more difficult

to not put it short:

so im not allowed to go to school bc i badly relapsed. its not a recent thing, ive been slowly loosing weight since october, when after an actually really seriously-taken but still failed recovery attempt i kind of lost my hopes for full recovery. (i can still imagine it in the distant future tho... but to actually start doing it now.... ehh..)

one of the reasons bc of which i have failed is the pain which comes after eating a decent amount of food, a bigger meal, or even smaller amounts of foods that i avoided for a long time. i got fed up (lol) with this, and decided that i would pay attention to eat less to avoid being in pain afterwards.

not a great idea, my friends, not a great idea.

it works in the short term, but it only makes your stomach even more sensitive, and shortly you can barely eat without pain, your damn safe foods start becoming scary, and you just spiral spiral spiral deeper and deeper and deeper into this.

and yes, you loose weight but at what cost?? (i think this applies to any ed that results in weight loss tbh) the weightloss was one of the reasons my parents noticed that something is wrong with me again (or still, rather)

the other reason was the stress. i had become so so stressed bc of this, and not only this, bc school, oh my beloved, just cant fucking chill. what makes it even worse is that there are only 1 and a half years until university and i seriously need to make decisions in relation to my future, but i never find the time for this with the every other thing that is going on at the same time (looking at my biology teacher.. but also no, he actually cares about me i think; im just a perfectionist who takes everything personally, even if it is directed on those of my classmates who dont study shit and dont even care, and not me who literally learns every damn letter for his tests) also i have an upcoming chemistry exam in spring which i also didnt have the time to really start preparing for.

the dorm was just the cherry on top, with all those skinny girls, and the ones who could never not mention their diet or weightloss or even just be quiet during the 'silentium' (the compulsory study time in the dorm). my roommates were always having fun, noisily, happily, while i was sitting at my desk, barely keeping myself together, so so angry and so so SO jealous of them who could enjoy their time. which i didnt have. unerstandable though, they are attending different, less strict schools and/or are 2 years younger.

so living in that dorm and going to school was draining my time and even more my energy, my mental space, my sanity even, and i was spiraling, like badly.

im honestly so grateful for my parents for not letting me stay in that hell for any longer. i have been at home since last friday, and i honestly enjoy it a lot. i have much more time now, i can sleep enough and study without rushing. it is nice, i could even try solving a few chemistry exam sheets from the previous years and it actually went well!! im really glad :D

though ed-wise im not doing so good. the digestive issues are the biggest problem rn. being in pain for hours after a meal just discourages me from eating tbh.

my parents made some rules: i mustnt do any exercise, only a little yoga (less than an hour daily, just twice a week allowed to be an hour long), and i mustnt walk for longer than 30 mins. i think it goes without saying that i can easily break the time-related ones, but at least while doing so i know im not supposed to do that, and i stopped exercising which is progress in itself (not huge but hey). there arent any eating related rules. yet. i say this bc my mom always checks my weight in the mornings when shes still at home when i wake up, and she tells my dad, who will soon get really angry if i dont gain any. he is already angry for my complains about my stomach pain, he says he is never not in some kind of pain (he is 50) so really i should just get used to it. but my mom told me he had told her he thought i should see a doctor with this, so actually he does care about me a lot, he just cant communicate it. me coming home was his idea too. he cant stand seeing me destroying myself and he only wants the best for me, i know that.

i can only stay at home for 4 weeks (with this one) otherwise i have to repeat this grade. or decide to be homeschooled from now on. this wont be an easy decision.

all in all, ive been trying not to worry much in the past few days but soon its time to think about what i plan to do in the future. and i should do something about my stomach too, it cant keep going like this. so, a lot of things to do, but at least im in a calm, supportive environment now (my mom is the one who is always there for me and im super super thankful for her). idk what will happen, i hope things fall into place.

i dont rly expect anyone to read all of this, it was just nice to type it out, but if you did then congratulations now you know my current struggles more than anyone irl!!!! (okay maybe except for my mom, but still)

[vakta]

i'm wasting my life alone in my room with an aching stomach

[vakta]

i should be sleeping or studying chemistry but i wrote down some stuff because that's all i can think about

it honestly breaks my heart that my parents don't trust me anymore. they think i'm just making up excuses to not have to eat, they think i'm faking all these stomach pains. they don't believe me. i feel so alone. the pain is bad enough it itself and now they tell me they think i'm lying. and when they say those things, that i probably don't even want to recover and stuff, i can't help it but think oh maybe that's how i should really feel, that's what they expect me to think, that would probably be more like me. but no that's bullshit. but they don't realise that. they think i just want to annoy them. but c'mon it's my stomach that's in pain almost every day, guess how annoying it is to me. and i want to recover, but when they say this i feel so hopeless. my own parents don't trust me anymore, even when i try to explain what i'm going through. this is so fucked up. what's the point anymore? i mean if they don't trust me, what's even the point in putting all this effort into recovering? if they think i'm not doing anything at all, why keep fighting? why keep trying? why not just spend the rest of my life self destructing as long as i still can?? but i know i have to recover, not for them, but for myself, to be able to live life and be with my friends again. but my parents just make recovery so fucking difficult this way. i still know i have to recover. i'm not giving up. i'm just a little tired.