#vardan

[vardan-and-the-nine]

(TW: religious trauma, mentions of torture, mentions of dead bodies)

I’m not a poet but I needed to write something about all of this. I can’t keep it bottled inside anymore.

Forgive me

For every time I see her shoulders bare I find myself struck with longing.

And then I hear the footsteps behind me. They’re not behind me, it’s 2024, I remind myself.

I feel the lightweight feathering of the whip against my cheek, I don’t flinch.

Last time I flinched it stung like wasps against my thighs.

My eyes do not tear away from the cross before me, my knobbly knees aching against the carpeted floor of the sanctum.

There’s so many sanctums I’ve been killed in, one by one—this one has stained glass in it, I wonder where they got those.

Snapping into the present at the sight of her pointed ears, her eyes the color reserved for royalty sparkling up at me, “Everything alright luv?” She asks.

I nod wordlessly but she can see my eyes, the color of liquid gold, she knows I’m not where I need to be right now.

“It’s 2024, you are 25 years old, you are safe, you are in the inner world, luv, this is my bedroom, you are safe.”

My shoulders tighten, my wings feel heavier than ever before, placed there by my previous God I so desperately revered. A Seraphim bound to its master.

Please, please cut them from me. Tear them from my back. This halo is a dog collar, don’t you see? I detached the leash, but it’s still there, what if they put it back? What if they put it back? I cannot bear to become what I was again. I want to beg her, but I know she could never harm me like They did.

I glance in the mirror at her vanity and see dark roots in my hair.

Fallen, Fallen, Fallen.

A word considered so egregious that death would be better than even being a mere inch closer to where the Fallen lie. Yet here I am waist deep in the mud, trapped in the filth.

Her hand on my cheek.

“Vardan?”

(It’s not 2024 anymore)

Wooden bench beneath me, my legs don’t even touch the ground.

“Father I beg of you, please forgive me.” I weep.

“Don’t you understand what you have done, child? You wretched creature, you seductive and lustful thing. You have turned my eyes away from God. You will get the punishment you deserve.” He hisses through the opening in the confession window like the snake of Eden.

They throw the door open and I don’t even scream anymore, this will not be the first nor the last time my lustful ways bring me punishment. Thrown to the floor like a doll, I hear the words from their lips and see the symbol they thrust before my face to keep me anchored in this front room, to keep me locked in this blessed space wherein I will be broken again and again.

Lustful children get what they deserve, though I only exist in the body of one, I’ve never truly been a child, not in my mind.

They say my title, my name, my cues over and over. I look them in the eyes while they fuck me over and over, electrocute me with what I now know is a cattle prod, bind me in ropes and leave me hanging for hours, threaten my life, force me to watch as they take the lives of others.

They say it’s my fault. They say more will die if I do not become the priest they say I have the potential for. They’ll put me in a room with their bodies around me as a reminder. Their empty eyes will gaze up at me, silently condemning me for my actions. At least, until the bugs get to them. Then there will only be empty sockets, but they will say the same thing.

“I am dead because of you.”

The priests claim I’m special, I’m holy, everything about me is related to threes, the trinity, the perfect example of who they’ve always been searching for. The delicate lamb, the devout follower.

“God is watching, you know.” They always remind me.

He hears my every thought, He Knows and then they will Know, and then I will be punished again.

They knew I was thinking lustful thoughts, they say, how else would I have made one of their own so enamored with me that he was overwhelmed by his desire and raped me?

“Forgive me, Father!” I cry between every breath I can drag into my lungs.

“I have Sinned!”

I can repay them after their punishment is done, I’ll say every prayer just right, I’ll never miss a single word.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

God’s will is for me to become what They made me, so I will.

Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil.

“VARDAN!”

I am jarred out of my thoughts and I’m on my knees again, though I’m clothed this time.

(It is 2024)

I look down at my hands clasped in prayer, I can feel the tears stinging my eyes.

I look up at her and she is my most beautiful darling, my Dori, love of my life.

“Vardan?” She says again, her voice softer this time. I relax. My wings do not feel so heavy anymore, this halo around my neck not so tight.

She takes my hands and unclasps them, holding them in her own. I hold them back, so small compared to mine, so unbelievably delicate. What if I hurt her again? What if I break her like they broke me?

What if I—

“Vardan, stop with that nonsense.” She says sternly.

Sometimes I forget we share a brain.

“I…”

She pulls me into her arms, and I cannot help but sag into her, knowing she can withstand my weight. This isn’t her first rodeo, it surely won’t be her last.

“You are never going back there, my Hart. It will be okay. We are Free, you have made sure of that.”

I nod silently. She is right, I did make sure of that. For her. I couldn’t bear it if they tried to hurt her like they hurt me.

I shake those thoughts from my head.

Never Again. Not after last time. Leslie’s begging still echoes through our inner world cathedral on bad nights.

“Forgive me,” I say, “I lost myself.”

“You don’t have to say those words ever again, Vardan. Especially not for this.”

I swallow. I feel like my sins exude from me, coiling around me like a snake. Just loving her like I do is a sin in their eyes. They would call her an abomination.

I look up at her, and she is looking down at me, her red lacquered lips smile down at me, her curly black hair free from its braid and framing my face.

How could she ever be an abomination in anyone’s eyes?

If I wasn’t so sure about the other Lies they have told, I would be certain of that one.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“What for?”

“For knowing I am tormented and broken yet loving me despite.”

She grins.

“Despite?! I love you for your brokenness, and for how you’ve grown from those shattered pieces, for how your heart could remain like wrought iron—cold and sealed shut—and yet you open it for me. You are broken, yes, but that’s does not make you unlovable. You will always be loved by me. No strings attached, no debts to repay.”

I think believe her when she says that.

It is the first thing I’ve ever believed that’s truly worth believing in.

[magick-knives]

Vardan: Lifeless Shadow.

Clear Vinyl w/ Black Splatter.

Bestial Rape Records.

[annykapoor]

Physical Therapy Clinic - Vardan

[metamorphesque]

"Love One Another", Vardan Hakobyan (translated by metamorphesque)

[animepopheart]

★ 【Vardan】 「 今汐 」 ☆ ✔ republished w/permission ⊳ ⊳ follow me! insta • x • bsky

[vinetooth-prime]

Drew up my sylvari elementalist & oldest GW2 character, Vardan!

[demigodofhoolemere]

Listening to The Vardan Invasion of Mirth which is set in the 50s and oh, okay, ow:

“Not that long before, though it felt like a lifetime, I’d spent several months living in this city, in this era. But back then I’d had a friend. Sara. But Sara was gone.”

[goldyapper]

Me after listening to all 7 of the Big Finish Vardan stories.

[son-of-the-moon-and-sun]

“You’re such a good boy Cala.” Itilien teased lightheartedly and with a grin pulling at her lips.

@itilien-vardan

Cala’s navy blue eyes widened and the color rushed to his face as suddenly cleared his throat.

“Itilien. . .”

He groaned, a fondness in his tone too - and he rolls his eyes.

“We are supposed to be learning.”

As usual he could not help be stern on the fundamentals of rules and teachings - but at the same time he did not mind the usual lightheartedness Itilien always seemed to bring.

— —☀️ @itilien-vardan ｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ˎˊ˗

[dwimpossblog]

The Invasion of Time

The Doctor returns to take the Presidency of Gallifrey, but all is not what it seems in this week's review of The Invasion of Time!

[vardan-and-the-nine]

I bite through my tongue until the screams bleed from between my teeth.

[hayarthun]

What else does Pashinyan intend to deliver? International contingent in Artsakh. The Armenian people will resist.

[hifithepanda]

The Vardan Invasion of Mirth- 8/10

*Old Review*

The Vardan Invasion of Mirth was performed by Peter Purves and Stephen Critchlow, written by Paul Morris and Ian Atkinson, and released September 2019.

I really enjoyed this story!  Honestly, of the ones I’ve listened to this was definitely a favorite.  I really like the concept of a fake reality set within a virtual reality.  The story felt very meta— a story set within the television industry that turned out to be a fake set itself.  It was a good setup for the Vardans, having them come in through television waves.  It reminded me a lot of ‘The Wire’ which we did, in fact, get a callback to with Magpie Electricals.  

It’s nice having a consistent villain for Steven throughout his stories though I feel like they appear a lot.  I do have to give them the benefit of the doubt that these are being released years apart and I’m plowing through them in days.  

There were a bunch of silly Steven moments in the first half of this story.  A good chunk of it was people just talking about how attractive he was and trying to recruit him as a comedian (“I’m not a straight man!”).  

It wasn’t a very sad story which was quite nice honestly.  A fun little romp that I’d definitely recommend people listen to!

8/10

Friend Death Count: 0

Steven Tortured Count: 0

The Doc does some messed up shit to Steven Count: 0

[jeevanjali]

Chandra Dev: आखिर चंद्रमा को किसने दिया श्राप, और कैसे मिली उन्हें श्राप से मुक्तिChandra Dev: कहते हैं इंसान को बहुत सोच-समझकर काम करना चाहिए क्योंकि उसके द्वारा किया गया काम किसी बड़ी विपदा को भी बुलावा दे सकता है। ऐसी ही एक कथा शिव पुराण में मिलती है

[animepopheart]

★ 【Vardan】 「 飛霄 」 ☆ ✔ republished w/permission ⊳ ⊳ follow me! insta • x • bsky

[rain-filled-garden]

-⋄❀{𝑴𝒊𝒙𝒆𝒅 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔 : 𝑩𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝟐}❀⋄-

{Vampire edition~}

❀} This is mainly a post to detail the fact that, to me, the trope of "drinking blood from someone makes them horny" isn't totally a universal trait among my vamp/vamp-adjacent muses-- In fact, among the group i have, i'd say they more fall into four camps...

❀} It does, in fact, turn them on: Vimur and Cyril both sit firmly in this camp, even if Cyril isn't one to act on these urges much in the first place-- It should be noted, though, that generally the only times Vimur will feed directly from someone is if they're already in the act/leading up to it to begin with. So really, for him it isn't any sort of inconvenience, and more just an addition to the mood if anything.

Cyril, meanwhile, can find it a bit inconvenient at times-- Thanks to the fact that he'll also feed on those who he gets into fights with. However, by that point, he's usually well and beaten them. So in the long run, it's more of a mild nuisance than much of anything else.

❀} It somewhat turns them on, but they can ignore it rather well: This is the camp where Alexi sits, as while it does somewhat get to him... Given his years, he's learned how to deal with such feelings and reactions rather well. Besides, if this is coming from a point where he was still single after his wife had passed-- Then it would be a rare situation to find himself in regardless. Since, like Vimur, he'll only really feed from those he's intimate with.

❀} It doesn't really do anything for them, regardless of outside context: This is the camp Vardan sits in, even once he's grown older. As while he can enjoy the level of intimacy the act of feeding brings, it doesn't really do anything to excite him.

❀} A secret fourth thing: Now this camp... This is where Sören, Emil, and Adri fit in. And all for quite similar reasons-- For Sören, it's thanks to the fact while it does somewhat excite him, and he'll try his best to hide that fact-- more often than not, this just results in him being embarrassed thanks to how fidgety he gets.

For Adri, the case is similar to Sören's-- as it somewhat excites him, which is in turn rather embarrassing. However, he can hide it just a touch better. Given that he doesn't grow nearly as fidgety as Sören, and is instead more of the quiet awkward type-- The man who'll subtly hide what state he's in, despite still clearly being flustered.

Now, for Emil, this is where things feel a little tricky... Since, given his status as a Dhampir, he has even less reason to feed directly from someone. But, in the same turn, because he does it so seldomly-- That rush can very easily overwhelm him, and in turn tip him into a lust for more. And not only the lust to feed more, but also just a general lust for his partner/whomever he's feeding from-- thanks to his thoughts growing muddled from said rush.