#vldsolo

[minkyuvld]

At first glace, it seemed to be fine.

ft. @joonbinvld

tws in the tags.

At first glance, it seemed to be fine. It had taken Minkyu days before he finally gained the courage to inspect the box delivered by Summit Media employees, the one filled with his belongings that ‘survived’ the bursting of pipes. Water could be forgiving, any clothes could be washed, most items salvageable as long as they weren’t left submerged for a lengthy amount of time, even cellphones these days weren’t vulnerable to a stray splash of water. The one item of sentimental value from his home that Minkyu had in his belongings, was the one thing he was sure he owned that could easily be destroyed by the element. Yet there it was, sitting on top of his folded clothes, books, and other various items inside the box haphazardly labelled Han Minkyu - TwentyTwenty.

At first glance, it seemed to be fine. With a closer inspection, it wasn’t.

Reaching into the box, from the moment he took out the watch that once belonged to his father, the weight of the object in the palm of his hand already felt off. The leather that made up the wrist strap was stiff and hard, and it was even starting to smell. All it took was a quick, gentle shake, and he knew he didn’t need to open it up to recognise that, while at first glance it seemed to be fine, water had made it’s way inside the trinket, rendering it useless.

The time permanently showing on the face was thirteen minutes past nine. It was morbid in a way, having your time of death largely written across your face after your passing.

Minkyu wasn’t like most of the other twentytwenty members, there weren’t pictures of his family and friends stuck to his wall beside his bed, or inside a diary or photo frame for him to use as comfort when he was feeling low. If he ever did, it was likely it would only serve to make him feel worse. For the most part, he chooses to forget that part of his life even exists. The one and only thing he had chosen to hold onto from his home was this watch. If anything, it’s more of a reminder of his family name, and of him being the only child his parents have. An item that reminded the idol that without him, his parents have nothing to for their legacy fall back on once they’re no longer breathing. 

It would serve them well to remember that at times. 

Usually, such a thing wouldn’t seem to phase Minkyu nearly as much as this did today, but it was safe to say the past fortnight had been exhausting. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. By the time he was subject to the news of his father’s watch, he was already at the end of his tether, ready to snap if he was pulled just a little more in the wrong direction. This facade Minkyu held -- the one that showed him to be harsh and invulnerable, made of steel and ready for whatever Summit Media threw at him -- was cracking. At first the things that were bothering him had seemed petty, the idol daring to be upset about a ‘free’ vacation in exchange for a few selfies and maybe a short vlog here and there. Everything that happened since had only heightened how irritable he was already feeling, each new inconvenience adding to the unstable concoction that was brewing inside a man that was a self proclaimed workaholic, merely waiting for the last catalyst to be thrown in so it would explode.

At first glance, he seemed to be fine. With a closer inspection, he was breaking.

While Minkyu’s parents had never physically hurt him, choosing rather to emotionally taunt, tease, and scold him instead, one of the ways they had kept him in line growing up was the looming threat of it. Or, the threat of something bad happening if he was to step out of line. Fortunately for him he’d never had to find out what that threat really meant. Which now means there’s an element of wondering about what truly will happen if he’s ever really to disappoint them. Being named the performance leader instead of the leader of twentytwenty is one thing. Breaking a family heirloom that had been passed down for who even knows how many generations was another. The idol felt sick to his stomach.

At some point during his internal panic, Minkyu hadn’t noticed his leader’s looming presence, watching him as he inspected the contents of the box in his lap. He’d known days ago that Joonbin had lost plenty that was important to him, too. Perhaps that’s why he chose to take a seat on the floor next to him, instead of simply leaving and pretending he hadn’t been there at all. It would have been easy enough to do. There was no way the older of the two would voluntarily, physically comfort him, which could be considered almost comical if you really knew their relationship. But, his quiet support was somehow a consolation in its own way.

“Uh, no... I didn’t salvage anything that mattered.” Minkyu muttered with a quiet sniff after several moments of silence, his voice barely above a mumble as he stared down at the watch still held in his hands. It was a reference to the other day when the two of them had previously spoken, when Joonbin had asked about his belongings from their dorm. At the time he had no real answer for his leader's question, and part of him wished that was still the case. The performance leader didn’t bother going into detail about the item was holding. While he didn’t care to waste his breath, he knew at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter anyway, it would still be broken. 

Carelessly, Minkyu threw the watch into the box of his remaining things, getting to his feet and closing the top as best he could before kicking it under the bunk bed he was temporarily calling his own. All it took was seconds for the classic Kyuu facade to return, only this time the mask didn’t seem to be as much of a snug, perfect fit. “I have a practice room booked.” He didn’t. “I’ll see you later.” 

At first glance, he seemed to be fine. If you knew Minkyu at all, he wasn’t.

[banditvld]

“Here, Happy Birthday.”

ft. @noahvld​​

They knew it could happen to the best of them. People who had come from nothing, and then worked hard to acquire real money for the first time in their life, flashing their cash and flaunting their wealth like it was now meaningless. Whether it was the fact they’d forgotten what it felt like to have nothing, or they simply wanted to share with those around them, Bandit didn’t care. The only thing they knew as that even with Particle’s success in recent years, they’d never been that kind of person. They find more value in the sentimental and hand made, things that took effort to make once the initial thought has been put in. Those things to them held much more meaning.

This gift for their brother however, wasn’t one they were able to make, but it was one they’d held onto for a long time. While they weren’t the type to re-gift things, the older sibling would turn the other way and make an exception just this once. Originally it had been gifted to them when they decided they would leave Italy to live with their Father. Perhaps, it had turned out to be one of the reasons they had learned and grown into the kind of person they are today. Bandit hoped that even if it didn’t have the same affect on Noah as it did for them, he could find some comfort in it. 

Or, at the very least use it as a tool to learn to read Hangul. God knows they need help with that.

Parked outside of the Kostion dorms in their obnoxiously large car, they waited for their brother to read their text and meet them outside. While they loved Noah, with everything that had been happening lately ( and always, being a member of Particle ) they didn’t have the patience to deal with seven other newly debuted idols. Especially if they were all hyped up and excited for their little brother’s birthday. So, they offered to take them for a drive instead. Not that Bandit usually went for a drive that often themself, anyways. Their car was comically referred to as a waste of money, but being one of the only really expensive things Bandit had splurged on since debuting, they had to disagree. On principle. 

Waiting for Noah was an old cookie tin, and inside the cookie tin was a small pile of worn polaroids, and a diary, one their mom had given to Bandit more than a decade ago now. It was one she wrote in almost everyday when she was going through her hardships with their father, detailing her thoughts and feelings, and what gave her the strength to continue moving forward during those tough times. 

Here’s a spoiler: Mostly, it was her children.

Here’s another spoiler: There’s a sappy story from the first time she met Mia. As much as Bandit wants to think it’s gross, they can’t.

Bandit hoped that by passing on his gift, they could give their brother some comfort, as they knew for a fact they felt homesick. Even if they don’t admit it. The rapper had been fortunate enough to live in Korea long before they relocated to Italy, so coming back wasn’t too much of a shock for them. For Noah, it had been a shock on all levels. All things considered ( especially how annoying they were for the first six months after arriving ), he’d done really well. Something Bandit should probably voice more is how proud they are of him.

A loud noise startled Bandit out of their thoughts, realizing it was only Noah attempting to open the locked car door. Quickly, the older sibling unlocked, and then locked it again, completing the action before he was able to open it. After an amused chuckle left their lips at the disgusted look across the birthday boy’s face, they finally unlocked it for real this time, picking up the tin so he had room to sit down before handing it over.

“Here, Happy Birthday.”

( rough google trans: the only good thing is my kids. i really love them. i want to leave but i have to think. is this the right decision? -- mia is wonderful. )

[hyunsikvld]

solo > ryu hyunsik

564 words

atlas making hyunsik’s position clear with mon:star’s comeback looming.

tw: dieting, body image

For Hyunsik, the gym had become his safe space. A haven where he could escape and just be, free to become lost in his thoughts, and work through any hardships the best way he knew how to. It was even a place for him to meet with friends he maybe wouldn’t be able to spend time with otherwise. Physically. If the main dancer was upset, happy, stressed, angry -- it would all end at the gym -- and with mon:star’s quiet schedules through the past... While. It meant he had more time to himself, to workout. Counting one, two, three, and simply focusing on the satisfying burn pulsing through his limbs. The dancer still did as the company asked him to, complying and never sacrificing work for what could be called a hobby. But, he could tell management always became less pleased the bigger he became.

It’s not like they had a schedule to prepare for anyone.

That is, until they did.

Atlas had made it abundantly clear for years the kind of image they wanted Hyunsik to present on stage. Sharp jawline. Lean, yet muscular body, every curve beneath his skin defined and perfectly sculpted for the audience to drool over. He was there to be eye candy, to have the body everyone wanted but likely couldn’t have, and then they would dress him up and make him dance like a puppet with strings attached. The Eve and Ko Ko Bop had served as blatant reminders of this, and with the announcement of their now soon to be comeback with Power, he was sure that would be no exception. 

With the new album being so large, there was extra time allotted to prepare, working for months before the final release and comeback would be scheduled. Barely days had passed before management was on his case, attempting to delicately explain to him that once again, he needed to lose weight. As always, their delicate attempt failed. If anything it sounded like a threat, and deep down he knew that it was. There were a lot of things that went over Hyunsik’s head on the daily, he knows he isn’t the smartest in the group by a long shot, but this is something that didn’t need to be spelled out for him. He knew.

hyunsik oppa are you eating?

you look skinny! atlas need to leave you alone.

eat all the food you want!!! we love you the same❤️

only you should decide how you look hyunsik oppa. i love you.

It was the same story every comeback, eagle eyed mon:cherie noticing the ( admittedly somewhat drastic ) change in his body through his own social media and posts from the company. Every time he read a new comment they caused his heart to ache, knowing how much they cared about him and his well-being and happiness. If it hadn’t been for them it’s likely he would have asked to be let go from his contract a long time ago. Like always, it was his job to assure them he was fine, that he was happy and healthy, as far from the truth as that may be. He would need to say something on social media soon. That is, once his heart has settled and he’s dried his body that was previously slick with sweat. Once he’s finished with this last mile on the treadmill.

[taevld]

Taewoo thought it would be different.

no tw’s i don’t think :)

Stepping off the plane and onto American soil, he thought he would feel... Something. A sensation, and tingling feeling, a warmness inside his belly. But instead it was... Nothing. 

Returning to Korea from the States, during high school there had been a sense of not knowing who he was or where he belonged. Was he a Korean who grew up in America, or an American forced to live in Korea? His accent didn’t quite fit either country, he forgot words and phrases in both of his languages constantly, and there were so many cultural differences he had to attempt fit in with. There were just certain things ( slang, etc ) that he couldn’t keep up with. 

Maybe that’s why he hoped there would be a certain sense of something when he finally returned after almost a decade. Painting a bright smile across his features as he wheeled his suitcase beside himself, he tried to hide the disappointment he felt deep down in his core. He knew it was a little silly to expect a physical reaction to simply travelling, but he couldn’t help it. Taewoo was always the type to be hopeful.

On the bright side, at least this time he’d be here with his members. His friends and closest companions. The last time he was in the states he wasn’t sure he could name a single friend he had.

Ruffling a hand through his fluffy, freshly dyed blue hair, Taewoo inhaled deeply through his nose behind his mask. The air was warm, and already felt cleaner than it had in South Korea, causing the leader to push his mask down and let it settle under his chin. He’d been lucky that his luggage was one of the first to come out, his members still waiting at the conveyor for their own belongings. Their manager had wandered off for the moment, ensuring everything was organised properly for them to travel to their hotel, and that the car would be waiting as soon as they exited the airport. For now, that left him alone with his own thoughts.

Thankfully, like always, his first instinct was to be optimistic. It’s likely that once they were all ready and heading out into the arrivals area of LAX, there would be ammo waiting for them. That thought alone was enough to cause him to feel giddy again. There was an excitement stirring, and it didn’t matter to him if that was one fan, or a hundred fans beyond that door, it was still something. 

This time in America might not feel the same as the last time, but it was a chance to create something new. A greater memory filled with more fun and excitement, and an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. How many people were flown half way across the world to perform for fans chanting their name, especially so soon after breaking out onto the scene? The opportunity Taewoo had been given with Kostion was incredible, and there was no way he was going to waste it.

K-Con, see you soon. 

[minkyuvld]

minkyu oppa’s birthday vlive

ft. @vldmoonsoo, @joonbinvld mentions of. @gyuminvld, @vldmars, @vldhyuck

Everything was set up just for him. A table and a chair in one of the Summit Media dance studios, a wall decorated with balloons spelling out MINKYU in large letters, completed with streamers from twentytwenty’s staff. There was a cream cake decorated with various fruits on a table that was only to be eaten by him ( unless he decided otherwise ), ready to celebrate his birthday. In the years since debuting with his group, the dancer had come to dislike birthdays less and less. When he was still at home, they seemed like an excuse for his parents to give backhanded compliments and criticism, hidden behind expensive gifts. Now, he had people to celebrate with. Thousands of them. Even if those people could only see him through a screen and he couldn’t see them at all.

Instantly as the live was finally turned on, the flood of PS started pouring in. The chat was filled with heart emojis, OMG HI!!! I love you, and of course Happy Birthday!! It was hard not to smile, knowing there had been people waiting for him to go live all day. He knew this especially because he’d been watching twentytwenty’s mentions on twitter and instagram, and through the day in between birthday wishes ( and even edits ), there had been people asking when he was going to come and say hello. Who was he if not The Nation’s Boyfriend? Of course he was going to. They knew him well.

“Hello my lovely PS!” Is how he started, short and sweet with a bright smile across his features and a double handed wave. The camera had a good view of the table in front of him, and his decorations behind. Comments continued rolling in about how nice it looked, how handsome he looked, and how yummy the cake looked. “Thank you for all the birthday wishes! I have been reading them all. Thank you so much. I have been well, I’ve had a good day. I hope you all have, too.”

Immediately, he began reading some more of the comments ( as many as he could with more and more people joining the chat ). “Who gave me the cake? Ahhh, this cake is from the staff here. I had a cake with my team last night, too. It was delicious.” Pausing, he licked over his lips, intently watching the screen and reading comments regarding him eating well before continuing. “What did I get for my birthday? Ohh I got many nice things. You mean from twentytwenty? They have all wished me a happy birthday. Like always, Gyumin was the first at midnight.” The dancer smiled as he thought about how excited the younger always was to celebrate others. It was a trait that caused him to feel fond for his group member. “Hyuck hasn’t gifted me anything for my birthday, shocking right?” Minkyu faked a teasing gasp, letting the chat speculate on his words for a few moments before continuing. “He’s promised to cook a delicious meal for tonight after the live, making it specially for me. If the others members are nice to me I might share it with them.”

Pausing, the performance leader winked at the camera while he continued reading. Still, he had to consider something else another team member had done for him, regardless of how... Tense their relationship had been as of late. “Mars actually gifted me something really nice. He uh, he ordered me this stuffed bear online... I wish I had it with me so I could show you, but he had an outfit made for it similar to the one from our Aju Nice music video, like the ones we wore with the suspenders...” Minkyu had to pause once more, smiling and biting at the skin at the corner of his lip before continuing. His trademark habit PS would know well. “If you squeeze it, it sings one of my lines. Like a voice recording. I thought it was very creative. The group is joking that he ordered two and is keeping one for himself to sleep with.”

More comments began pouring in about MARS BEST BOY, and right now, it’s not something Minkyu could disagree with. Regardless of their prior argument, he had put thought and effort into getting the performance leader something nice for his birthday. “I also was given a very pretty shirt from our fearless leader, Joonbin, and Moon-” Almost as if they’d been summoned when he spoke their names, Kyuu looked up and behind the camera, noticing the mentioned members subtly attempting to enter the room. Although, Joonbin was trying to motion in a way that explained he wasn’t actually here. Furrowing his own brow, the dancer watched his leader get onto his hands and knees, as if he was crawling and staying low to avoid the camera. Moonie on the other hand didn’t seem to be bothered. The dancer wasn’t sure if they’d come to ‘join’ his live together, but either way they both seemed to have very different ideas of how they wanted to be featured.

“Here is Moonie, just who I was going to talk about-” As he was finishing his sentence, he was cut off by the slightly older group member rushing into the frame, wrapping his arms around Kyuu’s shoulder and planting a big, dramatic kiss to his cheek with a smack sound and a loud HAPPY BIRTHDAY! No doubt it was purely showmanship for the reaction of PS watching, and it definitely threw him off. “Yahh! I’ve had my makeup done~” Kyuu complained in a whine, noting Moonsoo had simply wandered in bare faced. Right now, he couldn’t imagine doing so himself, not with their filming of One Fine Day during the week. He couldn’t push the other member away though, not while the fans could see him. Instead, he pat gently where he’d been kissed, looking into the screen of the smart phone to make sure he hadn’t wiped off any of his foundation. “Since you’re here, I was just going to show off the watch you bought me.”  Holding his arm up to the camera where the watch settled around his wrist, the one he’d just inspected his cheek with, he held his hand behind it ( almost like an influencer ) so those watching could see the gift he’d been given.

While all of this was happening, a stray hand belonging to their leader had appeared in the bottom screen, blindly reaching with a fork it seemed he’d prepared earlier in an attempt to take some of Minkyu’s cake. Cake he himself, hadn’t had a chance to taste. With his member still draped over his shoulders, it was all he could do to slide the cake away from the stray utensil, slapping at the hand gently. If he wasn’t on camera, he knew the cake would be gone, and there’s every possibility his own hands would have been slapped twice as hard in return. Still, he was going to take the opportunity while he could to act a bit cheekier than usual towards Joonbin. “I haven’t even had any yet, I would kindly share if simply you said please~” It was obvious he was speaking to Joonbin under the table, even though PS watching in their homes didn’t know it was Joon trying to steal the cake. Of course, comments of WHO IS THAT??? could be read, if he were paying attention.

Keeping one eye on the hand that still was attempting to help it’s self to some cake, the performance leader wrapped an arm around Moonsoo who was dramatically wrapped around him like a cat as he tried to continue with the live. “What did you wish for when you blew out your candles yesterday? Ahhh, definitely not this.” Clearly, he was referring to Moonsoo where he seemed far too comfortable resting against him for his liking. “But if I tell you what I wished for, it won’t come true~”

After some poking, prodding, and playful pulling of his ears from Moonie, eventually the twentytwenty member became bored and announced he was leaving, placing a tender kiss to the top of Minkyu’s head ( once again, for PS’ benefit and not Minkyu’s ) before doing so. In that time, the birthday boy had almost forgotten about the man still huddled under the table, that is, until he finally went to take a bite of his own cake, and was met with a fork trying to do the same.

Rolling his eyes ( fondly, for the camera ), he pushed his birthday cake towards Joonbin’s fork, helping him out with a piece before taking his own, humming out with how delicious it was. “You know, I think PS would prefer it if you came out and said hello.” Instead, he was met with a peace sign that could be seen on the live, Minkyu unable to help the laugh that spilled from his lips as he pulled the cake away from him again. “Okay, you don’t get any more cake unless you come out, then.” They both knew the performance leader wouldn’t finish it himself, and at least three quarters would be left to the other boys and even the staff when the live was over. However, he knew PS enjoyed him being on their side, wanting them to see other members who don’t host lives as often as Kyuu does.

Finally turning his attention back to the chat on his screen, he took a strawberry from the top of his cake with some of the frosting, eating them while he read some more comments from his fans. “The silver hair looks so good on you, oppa! Ahhh, thank you. I’ve never dyed my hair and I wanted to try something different. I’m glad you like it.” Bowing his head, he smiled and finished his bite before continuing. “Someone should have bought lip balm for Kyuu’s birthday so he stops biting his lips... I do have lip balm! I put it on at night time, biting my lips is a habit. I don’t realize I’m doing it most of the time.” As if it were planned, he sucked his lower lip into his mouth, the motion of him chewing on his skin obvious. Maybe that one was on purpose. He did love to give fan service, after all.

The next twenty or so minutes were filled with Kyuu quietly playing some of his favorite songs on his phone, singing along sweetly, and talking to PS. He couldn’t explain the warm feeling he had in the pit of his stomach when staff were signalling it was almost time for him to wrap up, but he always felt it when he was able to spend time with fans. It’s like was he was born to do it.

“Oppa did you enjoy your birthday?” Reading the question out loud caused Minkyu to think. Should he be honest with PS? “You know, I haven’t always liked birthdays... But since joining twentytwenty and debuting, PS have made it very special for me every year. I...” Trailing off, he inhaled through his nose, not really sure what he was feeling. It was quite bittersweet that his family was the reason he didn’t like birthdays, but these people on the other side of the screen had made him feel otherwise about it. He could even go as far to say he liked birthdays because of his members, too. “I did enjoy my birthday, and I have you all to thank very much for it. I spend a long time reading comments and messages from you all, and even though I can’t always reply, please know I see them. I appreciate every one of them.” Bringing a hand up to his lips, he blew a kiss to the camera, followed by a finger heart. Minkyu wasn’t sure if he’d ever really have the words to describe how much the support of PS meant to him. “I do have to go. Like I said before, have a delicious dinner waiting for me. Thank you for your kind comments and birthday wishes. I hope you all have a good night. I love you~”

With the final sign off, Minkyu gave one last wave and kiss to PS before he leaned forward, turning off the live. Slumping back into his seat, he signalled to staff that he needed a minute before he headed back to the dorm. Occasions such as this only pushed Kyuu to work harder, and he only hoped PS could see that. It’s all for them.

[minkyuvld]

“I told you so.”

tw’s in the tags.

At first, it started with small comments that Kyuu didn’t even recognize to be those kinds of comments at the time. Ones where he was too young to know what the underlying subtext was that was being conveyed, a sweet compliment camouflaging the venom hidden beneath. Oh Minkyu, you're such a handsome boy, if only your nose was a little smaller. His mother would speak these words and pat him on the head, as if she was praising him instead of ridiculing him for a feature he’d likely inherited from herself. 

These comments only continued growing up, becoming more and more frequent, words echoed by their father ( no doubt at the instruction of his mother ) and his aunt. Although, his aunt’s comments were more snide, even while she pretended she wasn’t bragging about the fact that she felt her own child didn’t need a nose job, unlike Minkyu. He was imperfect, and her side of the family was better. Depending on who you asked.

Once he became older and his parents started pushing him into auditions and tryouts for various different groups, labels, and sports teams, it was just another thing about him that wasn’t enough. Another thing to be improved ( his mother’s words ) upon. Although this thing couldn’t be changed with hard work, talent, or determination like she’d previously insisted was the key to any success. The only thing that could improve this problem of his, was going under the knife. It was something that she became somewhat fixated upon, young Minkyu’s mother convinced that if he’d have just a little ( if there’s such a thing ) nose job, the first company that had been auditioned for, would have been the last. His audition was good, but in her own words, he didn’t look the part.

Nevermind the disappointment and guilt he already felt for letting his family down. It was obviously very comforting for a young boy to know that his mother had never really believed in him in the first place.

With her mind made up, and his father being unable to care about it either way, the more that Minkyu was rejected for, the more his mother became convinced that this was the only answer. This was the thing that was going to pave the way for a high paying career for him. With this new nose, he could become a famous actor, or a television host, or an idol. So when the day came that her son turned seventeen years of age, her gift to him that year was a signed parental consent form, and an appointment card. Her gift to her son, was rhinoplasty. Regardless of how nervous and uncertain he felt about it. 

The thought of going under the knife was terrifying, but after so many years of verbal abuse in regards to his looks, another just as terrifying thought was that the constant scolding from his mother and ridicule of his features would continue until the day one of them died. Another, even scarier thought, was that there was a chance Minkyu could go through with the surgery, and nothing would change. There would be no callbacks, or increased opportunities presented to him with this newly structured nose. Deep down, there was the worry that this was all his own fault, that he simply wasn’t good enough. It made him feel nauseous to think that the years of hard work he’d made himself sick over ( physically and mentally ) countless times, was for nothing.

With little verbal protest against his parents, roughly a month passed before he went through with the procedure. He was taken to the clinic, his mother only accompanying him as proof that the permission slip was signed by a real, legal parent or guardian, and then she departed. A quick kiss to the forehead was all she left her son with, telling him how excited she was to see his new nose when it was all over. Not him, his nose. 

A hazy teenager woke in the foreign recovery room, scared and alone. Really, it didn’t hurt as much as he’d anticipated, but they’d also given him some very good painkillers. They waited until he was more cognizant before they gave him a drink and instructions, telling him when to change his dressings, how often, and with what. It also had recovery times, what he should be expecting, and where to contact if he had any further questions once he left the clinic. One of the nice nurses asked him when his mother was coming to see him, and the stern look that was barely visible beneath his swollen eyes contradicted the way his heart ached when he told her that she wasn’t, and asked if she could call him a taxi for him when he was felling better. If the expression across her own features was any indication, he likely wasn’t the first child to give her that answer, and he wouldn’t be the last.

The recovery process went well, and Minkyu diligently did as he was instructed. He went to all of his follow up appointments, changed his new dressings just like he’d been shown, and rarely took the additional pain killers that had been provided. With this, he noticed a steady improvement of the bruising around his nose and eyes as the days went by. One thing they hadn’t taught him at the clinic, was how to deal with his mother’s incessant questioning about when it was going to be healed, and comments about how they’d wasted her money, and if they’d even done anything, since the swelling was hiding a lot of the obvious change. Never mind the fact that Minyku had told her maybe twenty times, that it can take between six weeks and two months for it to fully heal. Maybe if she’d accompanied him to any one of his appointments, she could have asked the doctor this herself.

It was roughly a month after the surgery had fully healed when it happened. The audition for Summit Media. With how out of commission he had been with recovering, he’d worked harder than he likely ever had in his life to prepare for it, determined to show that something that was supposed to help him succeed, hadn’t secretly been a hindrance. When he received the call that they wanted to sign him to become a trainee with the company, it was like he could finally breathe for the first time in his life, a decade of grueling work, sweat and tears finally paying off for him. Excitedly, Minkyu immediately ran to tell his mother the good news, that he’d made it, that he’d made her proud. Standing from where she had been seated as she read through a magazine, she leaned forward, and at first it seemed as if she was going to hug him. Only of course that was too good to be true. Instead, she leaned toward, fingers gently reaching out to squeeze the tip of his now much more slender nose while she grinned at him. “I told you so.”

[hyunsikvld]

solo; an unexpected text message is sent to hyunsik’s phone. two years ago.

900+ words; tw for childhood trauma and abandonment. mentions of drowning  ( metaphorical )

Any therapist could tell you that it was a miracle that Hyunsik hadn’t grown up with any ( many ) emotional issues, abandonment issues, or a whole barrel full of other issues that were typically caused by a traumatic childhood like his. If anything, the only emotional flaw he had was that sometimes, he’s too trusting of the people in his life. For that, he had his brother to thank, always trying his best to provide love and care in a household that he, himself, was definitely too young to run. Maybe over the long, lonely years, his protector had been the one to take on most, if not all of the damage that should have been passed on to the younger of the two, like a human shield. But if that was the case he’d never let it show.

He makes a mental note to call Hyunwoo. It had been a few weeks.

That would have to be after this meeting. As far away from being work related as you can get, Hyunsik had to treat this as formal as possible. Like a business meeting and nothing more, keeping it as void of emotion as possible, and not making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. Even if the thought of this particular meeting caused his heart to feel heavy

The idol was no stranger to random text messages being sent to his phone ( no doubt from some of his fans ), but when he’d received this one, his heart increased quickly enough that was sure he actually became light headed, his knees feeling so weak he had to sit down for a moment, his hands shaking so much he almost dropped the device held in a soft grip. The way his screen was still lit up was almost like it was mocking him. He hadn’t called back right away, he hadn’t even called back that week, allowing his mind to settle, and rereading the message over and over again throughout his busy days. As many times as his eyes scanned the words and he absorbed them into his mind, he had been uncertain as to whether he’d been continually reading it wrong, his own thoughts playing tricks on him, trying to force him to see something that wasn’t really there.

Hello Hyunsik, this is your mother. I hope this is your number. I know it’s been a long time, but I need to talk to you. Please call me on this number when you can.

I miss you.

There was part of him that had been suspicious, that it was simply a fan trying to get his attention and get him to call them. To hear one of their favorite idols on the other end of the phone line. His childhood isn’t something he's ever actively tried to keep a secret, and while it isn’t something that’s brought up often either, it’s never been a part of him that he’s tried to deny. But, how could anybody be so cruel? So cruel to steal his number, or buy it from a sasaeng no doubt, and use his trauma as a way to speak to him? He refused to believe anyone would do such a thing, so... It had to be her, didn’t it? 

After two decades, it was her.

It felt like an eternity passed before he finally had the nerve to call the number attached to the message, and he still isn’t really sure if the phone call was real, the entire interaction feeling like a lucid dream. It was as if he was underwater, his shoulders being held down by an unknown pair of strong hands, causing him to gasp for air and almost drown. Just as his world was about to turn black, there was silence on the other end of the call, his mother the stranger hanging up and ending it before it got too dark. Their conversation was short and sweet, Hyunsik’s mind so hazy he’d be unable to tell you if he actually pieced together a proper sentence. It had mostly been her doing the talking, apologizing for what she did to him ( forgetting his brother ), how awful she feels and how much she regrets it. She’d seen him on the television with mon:star, and realized just how much of his life she’d missed out on, making sure to tell him he’d grown into such a handsome man. After all this time, she decided she needed to be part of his life.

She’d asked to meet him, and reluctantly, he agreed.

Hyunsik hadn’t pieced together that she only searched for his number, after she had seen him on TV. Maybe if he’d had the guts to tell his brother, ( or anyone ) about his brief, yet intense  conversation, he would have figured out that the youngest was the only one of her two children she’d reached out to. Perhaps, Hyunwoo could have pointed out and reminded him that his own income and level of fame, was significantly less than the idol’s, and that there was a possibility that maybe she only wanted something from him. Something that wasn’t exactly a relationship with one of her abandoned sons.

Even Hyunsik did have the guts, Hyunwoo wasn’t the kind of person to hurt his brother like that, regardless of how likely the assumption would turn out be true.

It’s a lesson that Hyunsik is going to need to find out on his own.

[minkyuvld]

come and find me~

“It’s been a while! I have something for you.”

It was only a quick v-live today, just long enough to get the word out. Kyuu had spoken to his manager earlier in the week, and while he knew that the rest of his group had been enjoying the downtime while it lasts, it was close to torture for him. In the last few weeks it had become painfully apparent just how much he relied on PS for support beyond his immediate network of friends and group members. Everything he did, he did it for PS. To read their comments online, to hear them cheering for him at concerts, and to look into their eyes and hold their hands at fan events. So far, he’d mostly used his free time to focus on himself. Sure, he had pushed out a little bit of content, but it wasn’t enough. That’s where the next idea came in.

“I’ve missed you, hello~ Yes, yes I have something exciting for you. It’s going to be happening very soon. Can you guess what it is?”

Already, Kyuu was feeling a warmth that was slowly moving through his body as he read all of their curious comments, PS trying to guess what he would be doing. Of course, mixed between were various comments telling him that they love him, asking where the other members were, and asking for shout outs for various countries and birthdays. It was his pleasure to oblige on occasion, straight after reading a plethora of KYUU NOTICED ME!!!! comments. This is what he lived for. Literally. After letting them guess what he would be announcing for a minute or two, the idol pretended to rummage around in his shirt, humming as he searched before pulling out the painfully obvious finger heart, followed by a very cute laugh and a wink.

“I’m only joking! I always have hearts for PS, so that isn’t a surprise. The thing I wanted to tell you about, is that tomorrow at ten am on our Instagram, I’m going to be having a competition! I’ve tried to make it as fair as possible, but it’s kind of a work in progress so please bear with me~”

Pausing for another moment, Kyuu scanned the chat to read the excitement of the fans, watching them all speculate over what he was going to be doing. 

“I will be posting a picture to Instagram with a question for you, one that only PS should know the answer to. For ten minutes our DMs will be turned on, and you can send your answer to us, along with a brief comment about why you want to win the prize... Are you ready to find out what that is?”

Another pause for dramatic affect, allowing PS to build excitement. Before he spoke again, he banged gently on the table like a drum roll.

“The prize is going to be drawn randomly for fifteen lucky PS. Which will be a meeting and a meal with me~ As well as the other lucky winners, of course. I suppose the title of this v-live isn’t correct, since you won’t really be finding me, but we’ll be telling you where I am.”

There was a bright smile across his face as he watched the chat go wild. Both with positive and negative comments. As predicted, there were the international fans who felt slighted by the Korea based competition. There had been some PS kind enough to translate parts of what Kyuu had been saying, which he was thankful for.

“For those of you not eligible for the prize, I haven’t forgotten about you! If you are a winner and you aren’t able to attend the meeting, please let us know if you’ve been chosen. What we will do instead is, when it’s released, send you a signed copy of twentytwenty’s next album. Hopefully this will brighten your days, too. Please do know it won’t be me personally messaging on Instagram, it will be some of our staff so make sure you are extra kind to them.”

For the next few minutes, Kyuu continued talking to the PS in the chat, telling them about his days during the month that had been uncharacteristically quiet for them. When he could he tried to reply to some English comments, in English himself. He told them about his dance cover of La La La and learning with Fantizy’s Yuri, and he promised he’d been resting and eating well. They told him he looks healthy, and the truth is that he kind of does feel it too. As bored as he is, he wakes up feeling refreshed, and goes to sleep feeling content. Not to mention he knew that when he finally went back to work, they would be using his own choreography to promote their comeback. Overall he felt... Content, and he was sure he would feel even better after the competition.

“Okay, I’m so sorry but I need to go! I have plans, but I will hopefully be seeing some of you tomorrow. Goodbye for now, I love you.”

And with his last few hearts to PS, he turned off the v-live, filling with excitement as he thought about the next day.

****************

It was funny to think about, Minkyu wasn’t sure if he’d ever put as much effort into a real date as he had done with the event he was hosting today. Well, he thought that this could be considered a date too, in a sense. He was the Nation’s Boyfriend, inviting someone ( people ) to share in a fully paid for meal with him. Even if it wasn’t a romantic date, it was a similar gesture, and he couldn’t deny the excitement that was bubbling in the pit of his stomach. While it had only been announced yesterday, this is something he’d been planning for much longer.

According to his manager, organizing this with the fans online had been surprisingly easy, and out of the random, lucky PS that were drawn to win, there were about twenty that were unable to attend and were going to be sent signed albums in the future. He was assured they were all very excited to meet him, and they’d been sent a small list of rules to follow. They were simple things like the place and times of the event, not crowding around Kyuu, being courteous of other fans also attending, no video recording, and no intimate actions like asking for kisses or about invasive topics. His manager would be there the whole time, and there would also be security at the door... Just in case. 

While the whole restaurant was booked out for a few hours for them, there was a private room that Kyuu was waiting in until everyone showed up. He knew it would be awkward if he sat there as they trickled in one by one, especially since, as predicted, some of them were showing up early. At one o’clock they were finally let inside, and within minutes all fifteen were seated, with obvious seats vacated for Kyuu and his manager to join them. There were some at either side of the table, so he could try to spread his time between everyone equally. At the very least, there was going to be opportunities for photos and hugs later, so there would be a chance for all the winners to get their own personal experience with him.

The idol could hear the quiet chatter of some PS mingling with each other, excitement so thick in the air you could almost see it. Which, he tried to get a peek out of the private room door, peering out of a crack he’d made. It was about two seconds before the Nation’s Boyfriend was spotted by a keen eyed fan, a gasp escaping from some of the girls at the table who had seen him. 

Peeking his head out of the door a little more, he offered a small finger wave at them, and a quiet greeting of “hi~”. Shyly, they all greeted him back, offering their own waves and versions of hello and thank you. Some of them even began tearing up, hands covering their faces to hide how emotional they were. Once he’d stepped out from the room fully and closed the door behind himself, he offered the fans a bow in a proper greeting. “Hello, I’m Han Minkyu, twentytwenty’s performance leader, it’s nice to meet you~” He was grinning from ear to ear as he spoke, his manager watching close by with a keen eye to make sure everything was going the way it was supposed to. 

“It's my pleasure to invite you here, thank you for coming. I’m so excited to get to know you, and I promise I’m going to find the time to speak with each of you.” As he spoke, he finally made his way over to the vacated seats of the table, bowing once more before he pulled it out to sit down with them. The girl that had been lucky enough to choose the seat next to his looked like she too was about to cry, even more so when he made eye contact with her. The idol asked her for her name, and shook her hand gently with his the sweetest grin imaginable, squeezing her fingers between his own and kindly assuring her he wasn’t worth crying over. But, if she did cry, it was perfectly okay.

Continuing his way around the table and flashing smiles at everyone as he went, he briefly asked them about themselves, leaning forward to show that he was listening intently, and that his entire focus was on them in that moment. It was just a little something to break the ice before their meals arrived and they could ask him questions and speak to him if they so wished. Some of the guests were perfectly fine speaking to him, some of them weren’t, becoming even more emotional when his words were directed at them. 

The next hour or so was... Fun. The questions he was asked were actually well thought out, once the atmosphere had settled down no one else cried, and they were all courteous of him changing seats once their meal was over so that he could spend some time with those at the other end of the table. Plus, there was going to be some sweets after if they wished to indulge. Only the best when you’re on a date with the Nation’s Boyfriend. 

Eventually it was time to start wrapping up, and as sad as Kyuu was about it, he had been looking forward to it. Only because he knew this would be the time where he could spend one on one time with PS. At the end of the day, the hard work he puts in, the late hours and early mornings, and the clothes saturated with sweat after he pours his heart and soul into his practice. It was all for them. To have them look at him with hopeful, bright eyes, telling him that he’d made a difference in their lives. The fame and the money was nice, but that’s what it was really about. It was about them.

Hearing that they cared for him, that they wished for him to stay safe and healthy, and that they were proud of him always hit in a way that was unexpected. Something about hearing it from PS never failed to make his neck and his ears heat up. Almost like it felt intimate. Perhaps, he was craving those words of approval from a loved one more than he thought. 

Now isn’t exactly the time to go into it.

Another of the young girls stepped forward once he was finished saying goodbye to the person before her, leaving her with a selfie of them for a memory of their time together. Opening his arms, he allowed her to embrace him, his body hunching over just a little with the action because of how much shorter than him she is. “Hello, Hyun-mi, isn’t it?” He grinned as he pulled back, taking both of her hands in his own “Thank you so much for entering, and thank you for coming. I hope you had fun. I hope I lived up to your expectations~” The last sentence was spoken with a bright smile and a laugh, clearly a joke. Although, this particular PS had something to say about it.

“Kyuu-oppa, you’ve been very busy. I hope you had enough rest during your break, you really deserve it.” The young woman paused, squeezing his fingers back. “You need to take care of yourself, because all we want is for you to be healthy and happy, and you can’t be those things if you’re exhausted. Please promise you’re not working too hard.” The idol swallowed thickly with the words, another quiet chuckle leaving his lips. It was an attempt to hide the action of breaking eye contact and looking down at his shoes for a moment, trying to brush off what she was saying as if it were something casual, and not like the words were digging into his core like knives. 

The sentiment that health and happiness is more important than success and perfection is still a concept that’s foreign to Kyuu. His entire life it's been forced upon him, if you don’t succeed then you’ve wasted your time, and you simply didn’t try hard enough. Anything can be achieved with hard work, determination, and talent. The idol prided himself on having all three of those attributes. So, if he isn’t perfect, who’s fault was it really? If he’d practiced longer and harder, perhaps he would have been better. Perhaps he would have been the leader and not the performance leader. Perhaps he wouldn’t be stuck in a group with twelve other boys, overshadowed and constantly fighting for the spotlight.

The doubts in his mind can sometimes be debilitating, words echoing through his head with the voice of his mother. There were often times where he didn’t want to get out of bed, he just wanted to sleep for another hour and enjoy the comfort and warmth before he headed outside to their practice room. Again and again, day after day. 

As miserable and drained as he often felt, it was his job to assure her of the exact opposite.

“Thank you so much for caring about me, I truly appreciate it,” the Nation’s Boyfriend responded in a soft tone, a hand coming up to gently cup the side of Hyun-mi’s cheek as he once again looked into her eyes. “I promise you I have been resting well.” He hadn’t. “And I promise you I am eating well, and that I am very happy.” He isn’t. “Being with you all today has made sure of that. PS, people like you, have filled me with enough happiness to last a life time. As long as I have you all cheering for me, everything I do is worth it.” Perhaps, that part was somewhat true.

Another hug was exchanged along with a selfie, and if you squinted you could possibly see the way his watery eyes glistened with the lights from the restaurant. Some would say they were sparkling because he was so handsome. Kyuu knew better than that.

More thank yous and goodbyes were given, the twentytwenty member consoling some fans who were becoming upset once again. Before he knew it, it was over. The restaurant staff were moving the tables and chairs back to their rightful homes, and his manager was telling him it’s time to go. After a thank you to all the staff that served them that day, Kyuu gathered his things and did as he was told, getting into the car that was waiting for them outside. 

If anyone asked, it had been a fun, lighthearted day, a way to give back to some fans with some of his spare time. In reality, he knew it was going to keep him awake at night, causing him to stare into the dark abyss of his room, thinking over and over again about the kind words he’d heard today, and the way he would cling to them for dear life whenever he started to doubt if this was worth it.

Han Minkyu had organised a special day to give back to PS, but maybe he was the person who needed it the most.

[hyunsikvld]

solo > ryu hyunsik

559 words

thinking about his position within atlas.

tw: mention of being buried alive ( metaphorical ) 

If you had been inside the Atlas building in the past year, you’d know it was no secret that some, of not all of the members of mon:star were... Unhappy. Unhappy with the treatment of former members, how the company was handling their image moving forward, and handling promoting them when other groups were promoting so much better than them. Both in and out of the same company. It seemed as if the other groups inside Atlas had taken precedent over them, and the company was doing little to show that wasn’t the case, casting them to the side in favor of younger, hotter groups. It it wasn’t for the unwavering support and passion shown by mon:chérie, and the members ability to put on a mask in public to hide how they truly feel, the dancer was sure that the group could possibly have disbanded a long time ago. 

Perhaps, disbanding wouldn’t have been such a bad thing.

It was an awful thought, the other members of mon:star being as close to Hyunsik as his own family, thinking higher than each individual member than he did his own mother ( for various reasons ). For over a decade they had laughed, cried, fought, made up, and sweat together. There was definitely part of him that would be devastated at the news of the group splitting up. Although, was there really much point to him being there now? If the filming for their latest music video was anything to go by, they still didn’t value him for much more than his looks. Maybe, if there wasn’t a group behind him to fall on, there would be more room for Hyunsik to show what he’s really capable of.

Whether that was within Atlas, or at another company.

But, what is he capable of? According to his vocal coach, he was improving week on week, working hard to better himself, trying to prove that he is ready for more than the few lines they seem to throw at him as a last minute consideration. While they often tried to ‘make it up to him’ with more screen time, that isn’t what he wants, as much as he past campaigns may contradict that sentiment. As much as he’d dug that grave himself, practically laying down and begging them to sprinkle the dirt on top of him, everyday he's constantly trying his best to dig himself out of it.

With all of the contradicting thoughts and feelings that almost obsessively ran through Hyunsik’s mind, day in and day out, it was a wonder he hadn’t gone mad. There was always a wonder of if he could be doing more, if the suffering of a group as a whole was in any way his fault? How could he help the other members? Would him leaving help the other members? No matter how much his head screamed at him, telling him to doubt every move he was making, the dancer made sure he kept a brave face. There was no one within the company that truly knew how he was feeling, always coming up with something to take focus away from how distracted he seemed as of late. This was all part of a long line of failures he’d been part of in his life, but maybe there was still a chance to fix this one.

[minkyuvld]

hello p.s. i missed you. did you miss me? 

“Hello ~” 

Kyuu waves at the camera as the viewers immediately start flooding in to the vlive. It never took long for there to be thousands of P.S watching, spamming hearts as fast as their fingers could tap their screens. You’d think it would be something that phased the idol, but he was so used to it by now that it barely bothered him. If anything, he thrived on the fact there were so many young fans taking time out of their day to watch him speak to them through a camera. He supposed for them, it was worth it to have one of their favorite idols sending them words of encouragement. Especially when his intent when speaking to P.S was to treat them like a close friend. In some cases, he spoke to them like he would someone he was in a relationship with. He was careful though, not to overstep boundaries, knowing many of his fans weren’t of age. Even if they were, it was a line he wasn’t sure he would ever cross.

“Did you miss me?”

If they wanted to believe it is a line he would cross, then that is their prerogative.

“I hope you have been well. Have you eaten?” 

The idol speaks into the camera again, a smile on his face as he reads through the comments that are flashing across his screen. There are a lot of P.S joining the stream today, and it’s a little difficult to read all of the remarks directed at him. The few that he can see do make him smile nonetheless. 

“I had a lot of fun on tour. We worked hard, I hope we put on a great show for P.S. I hope we made you proud. The hard work is worth it when we get to see you.” 

There was a small bowl of grapes plated on his table, out of the direct view of the camera. Every now and again he took one and popped it into his mouth, smiling brighter when P.S showed their enthusiasm at him eating the fruit. They were green, and seedless.

“My shirt is revealing? You think it is too much?” 

Kyuu directly spoke to a P.S commenting on how low the V of his shirt was, knowing exactly what he was doing. He was immediately met with a sea of comments telling him how handsome he is, how great his outfit is, how good he looks. Smiling wide, he laughs and covers his mouth with delicate fingers, then pulling his shirt back to raise the V by an inch or two to appease those who really might have a problem with it. He was The Nation’s Boyfriend after all, he had to act like it.

“You saw us exploring in Melbourne?”

The chat erupts, Melbourne seems to be a difficult word to pronounce, no matter what your native language is. He laughed along with that chat at his own mistake, repeating the words bin, bin, trying to correct his phrasing before he continued speaking. This time, he pronounced the city like Mel-bin.

“My mistake. If we are walking around I would love to meet you. I always want to meet P.S wherever we go. Especially when we are visiting another country. We do not always know when we will be back, and when we will be able to see you again. Sometimes when we are able to stop and meet, you tell us about interesting places to see, and where we can eat delicious food. P.S are always so helpful. So beautiful.”

The chat continued this way for another few minutes, Minkyu reading comments and responding as he saw fit to P.S that were spamming questions and comments to him. He then told stories from tour, funny anecdotes about times he and @vldhyuck​ had been silly together, and one night when @gyuminvld​ was locked out of his room but hadn’t wanted to bother anyone to let him inside because they were sleeping. He felt bad for him in the moment knowing he would have been tired the following day, but looking back it had been a little funny. Besides, P.S appreciated the fun teasing of other members. 

“I have to go. But I wanted to stop by and say hello to P.S because we have all been so busy this month. I spent a lot of time with you, but I missed you at the same time. Is that strange?”

Kyuu paused, licking over his lips as he continued reading the comments, watching the hearts as they never stopped to float over the screen. If anything, they only appeared to speed up.

“You want a hug? How do I do that?”

Laughing and smiling, the idol lifted his arms and wrapped them in front of him self, acting as if he was hugging P.S in front of him. He felt a little silly, but the fact started reacting quickly, as could be predicted. They called him, adorable, cute, Kyuu-te. Spams of I wish he would really hug me!

“I hope you have enjoyed talking to me as much as I have enjoyed talking to you. I promise next time it will be better. I could only speak quickly today, but I missed you so much I couldn’t help myself. Until next time, I love you ~”

[hyunsikvld]

solo > ryu hyunsik

631 words

he’s just a lil lonely ok

The time on the digital clock flashes an ominous 05:01, Hyunsik’s eyes wide open, yet out of focus. He’s sure she’s asleep, any normal person would have been unconscious for hours now, but it doesn’t stop his mind from wondering what would happen if he called her. Of course, if he daringly picked up the phone now, he would almost certainly be met with a disgruntled, and annoyed tone, scolding him for not only reaching out to her out of the blue, but also for waking her up. If, she picked up at all. That didn’t stop the part of his mind that wandered to a scenario where she would be happy to speak to him, content with simply hearing his voice on the other end of the line, never mind that he’d called her for seemingly no reason other than wanting to talk at the crack of dawn.

That was how it used to be.

Hyunsik is the kind of person who thrives on other people. Extroverted, and seeks out the company of friends. It’s been years since he’s opened himself up to the idea of a relationship, having being the reason his last two failed miserably. There had to be some kind of record for an idol being caught out so many times, so close together. It’s a fortunate thing being signed to Atlas, the dancer knows if he belonged to a company like Summit, it’s possible he might not have a career anymore. They issued him with more of a harsh slap on the wrist than anything, knowing their idols are still human, after all. Humans need love, and compassion, and sometimes can be blindsided and miss out on the small details. Such as paparazzi following them, looking for any opportunity to be the first to spill the latest story. Bitterly, he ‘hoped’ K-Wave was happy with themselves.

They could have been happy together, they were happy together, and who knows how it would have ended -- if at all -- if they hadn’t meddled in something that wasn’t theirs to meddle in. Idols are stories to them, plain and simple. Fuck any chance at having a private, personal life, right? According to them, he sold his soul the minute he signed on the dotted line, committing to becoming a trainee with dreams of being more.

Picking up his phone, the time now read 05:15, and Hyunsik had yet to feel any sleepier. Sometimes he felt blessed when there wasn’t much of a schedule to follow. It offered him a chance to sleep in during the morning, if sleep came at all. Loneliness had been catching up to him lately, overworking his mind and exaggerating his thoughts, the scenarios playing in his head becoming more far fetched the more he thinks about them. 

Swallowing, he knew if he called, it was likely that she would be awake soon if she had a schedule. If she didn’t, then she would be sound asleep. That information wasn’t his to know anymore, keeping him in the dark about where she is and what she’s doing, that is until the public are just as aware as he is. The thought made his heart feel heavy in his chest, sinking lower and lower until it felt like it could make a dent in the mattress beneath him. 

Finally coming to the conclusion that he should put the phone down and make one more last ditch attempt at sleep, Hyunsik hoped his mind would allow him to rest before the sun comes up. The last thing she needs is him bothering her, sparing her time for him when he clearly doesn’t deserve it. At least if he fell asleep for a while, there would be time where he wouldn’t have to think about it.