#vs. Cellbit having the same fears of being left alone

[shikai-the-storyteller]

It's taking me ages to write this chapter because every time I look through old VODs / notes to check something, I come across moments like this that make me want to lie down face-first on the floor:

[Context: Pac commits to the idea of taking the Happy Pills so he can create a cure. He's about to write a note to Cellbit to explain his plan.]

Pac: If Cellbit puts himself in this position, it's worse for everyone, because Cellbit is smarter when it comes to coming up with strategic plans, so he is the thinking mind of the Favela Five group, so if he no longer has the mind, he’s not capable of solving this whole problem, you know? But if I put myself in this position to help Cellbit so he can get the cure... You understand? It's better if I'm the bait. Right? I can't- I can't carry things alone guys, I've already lost Mike [...] if I lose Cellbit and I alone had to carry things, I won't be able to. But I think Cellbit can manage better. He is more independent, and he has Roier. He has a husband. I'm trying to– to be lucid here, understand? That's all.

Date: September 11, 2023 || Timestamp: 03:10:10

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Actually I want to expand on my tags:

I know the Happy Pills arc is soured for a lot of us (for valid reasons) but I still love this arc because of how vital it is to Pac's character. Despite his grief and self-worth issues, he was so brave and full of love, and that love for his friends and family guided his actions throughout the rest of the story.

I love Pac's dynamic with all the Favela members, but Pac and Cellbit's relationship in particular fascinates me because of how different it is from the one in their past (a past which still effects their present – 4 days before Pac writes this letter to Cellbit, he had a breakdown fearing that Cellbit will become Cell again).

There's just so many layers to it — love and fear and friendship and anger and hate and healing — the murderer who once mauled Pac and took his leg, the man he left to die on an island, the person he now considers a dear friend and the co-parent of his son. It's fascinating.

What really breaks my heart, especially after rewatching the scene mentioned in the original post, is the conversation Pac and Cellbit have the day after Pac starts taking the pills. Cellbit confronts Pac and he's frustrated because he was relying on Pac to find the cure (which seems impossible now that Pac's on the drugs) and eventually he loses his cool and snaps back at Pac saying "We still had each other Pac, we still had each other, it was the only thing we had. Now I'm alone!" (Stream date: September 13, 2023 || Timestamp 1:34:00)

The contrast between Pac saying Cellbit will be fine, he can handle things on his own (and he has Roier) vs. Cellbit having the same fear of being left alone is so hearbreaking. (It makes me wonder if, even for a moment, Cellbit remembered being abandoned on that Island by Pac and Mike). He obviously realizes / learns later why Pac took the pills, but that immediate reaction of hurt, disappointment, and betrayal is so poignant. Pac is willing to sacrifice himself to save his friends and family, but he fails to realize that his sacrifice hurts them too,

Despite everything, even while drugged, Pac still trusts Cellbit. It's Cellbit who gets Pac to willingly walk into the Order and take the cure, it's Cellbit who reassures Pac that he's there when Pac says he's afraid, and it's Cellbit who tells him: "You saved everyone. You saved us. And when we find Richarlyson, it will be because of you," as he reassures Pac over and over that he won't be alone. He looks so exhausted and remorseful watching Pac sobbing in the prison cell they trapped him in, and once again I wonder if Cellbit remembers Alcatraz and the last time he saw Pac sobbing in the corner of a cell. I wonder if he can still smell the blood.

My favorite thing about all of this is the interaction they have at a later date:

Cellbit: You sacrificed yourself without knowing if you'd be able to come back, and you did it. And we’re going to find those Eggs.

Pac: If we were able to get through this, it was because of us.

–and then Cellbit and Pac go in for a hug at the same time and stay like that for a few moments. It's a sweet inverse of the last time they hugged, because iirc, Pac hugged Cellbit, but Cellbit didn't hug him back.

Anyways! TLDR this arc means a lot to me, and Cellbit and Pac's dynamic means a lot to me.

It's taking me ages to write this chapter because every time I look through old VODs / notes to check something, I come across moments like this that make me want to lie down face-first on the floor:

[Context: Pac commits to the idea of taking the Happy Pills so he can create a cure. He's about to write a note to Cellbit to explain his plan.]

Pac: If Cellbit puts himself in this position, it's worse for everyone, because Cellbit is smarter when it comes to coming up with strategic plans, so he is the thinking mind of the Favela Five group, so if he no longer has the mind, he’s not capable of solving this whole problem, you know? But if I put myself in this position to help Cellbit so he can get the cure... You understand? It's better if I'm the bait. Right? I can't- I can't carry things alone guys, I've already lost Mike [...] if I lose Cellbit and I alone had to carry things, I won't be able to. But I think Cellbit can manage better. He is more independent, and he has Roier. He has a husband. I'm trying to– to be lucid here, understand? That's all.

Date: September 11, 2023 || Timestamp: 03:10:10