#wait no this sounds like i'm using hornblower as self-help sdfhsdfhkjdf

[quatregats]

Hornblower's arc as a character is so fascinating to me because everything he does is a performance to get to the top, and now that he's (ostensibly) gotten there, he has no idea what to do with himself. He has no idea who he's supposed to be, and the man that he's constantly performing isn't him, but he's gotten so caught up in a certain ideal of success that he can't imagine any way out. It's so interesting to see him at the beginning of this book trying to grapple with having "made it" because he's reached a point where he can't perform any further, where he's supposed to be genuine, but he can't because he's genuinely not happy. I think that this quote, in particular, is quite telling (even though I'm not sure if even CS Forester intended it to be)—for a moment he actually starts to get on the right track and realize that he doesn't want to be here, but he falls back immediately into his old performative persona of the Successful Naval Officer because it's been so long since he knew what he wanted that all he can do is perform. Who is he? How would he even be happy? At this point in the narrative I think he's so far gone that I'm not sure there are answers to those questions anymore, and it's fascinating.