#was writing stuff like 'this coronavirus stuff is kinda stressing me out it feels like the world is ending :///' yeah girl

[true-bluesargent]

girl accidentally reads some of her diary entries from when she was 17 and can only distantly remember being that person 636 dead 3727 injured

[hyuckssunchip]

Blooming Pt. 1

Pairings: Jisung x Reader, ft. nct dream, lucas (honorary member of dream)

Words: 7.5K

Warnings: Language (there is almost always language in my writings), angst, fluff

Synopsis:

Love isn’t as easy as it seems, Park Jisung is an advocate of that. A blooming relationship that has prematurely ceased can be re-sparked years later, or can it? Will Jisung be able to overcome his fears in order to succeed in what he deems love?

Part 1 | Part 2 

Freshman Yr.

Hey Jisung,

I know that this is kinda random and I only have the guts to do this now because I probably won’t see you again but here goes. I think you are a really sweet and cool guy and I wish I had gotten to know you better, probably because I had a big crush on you... I just thought I would send this to you because I know it’s nice to know and it’s probably a little bit of a confidence booster. (I also kinda wanted to get this off my chest). Sorry for the essay and you don’t have to respond to this if it’s awkward … I hope you stay safe especially with what’s going on right now 

You held your breath, panicking at the loading sign on your phone. Welp, it was too late now.

You were pacing back and forth in your living room, nail very much in your mouth as you bit them anxiously.

“I just sent it.” You breathed out, “Oh my god, I just sent it.” At this point you were nearly in tears you were so nervous.

“That’s good. It’s like one a.m. though, so don’t be too worried if he doesn’t answer right away.” You nodded into the receiver, and although your best friend couldn’t see you, she still understood your silence.

You had called your best friend earlier to ask for her advice about the guy you had told her about months ago. It was the last quarter of school for this year and you finally had the courage to confess to him. 

Your best friend Megan was a little bit more experienced than you and she laughed when you had told her you wrote drafts, and you promptly sent it to her.

“He’s not writing back.” You told her, staring intently at the screen, refreshing it every few seconds as if that would make him answer. 

“Well of course not, you literally sent it ten seconds ago. Besides I told you, it’s late, he might just reply in the morning.” She sighed at your panicked state.

“Oh my god! He read it.” You bit your lip, staring at the numbers below your text.

“Oh.” She giggled, “Cute, he has read receipts on like you.” 

You barely had time to comprehend what she had said when you gasped out, “Oh my god. He’s typing, he’s typing! There’s bubbles.”

She laughed, “Wow, that was fast.”

You weren’t exactly paying attention to her, focused very much on the bubbles that were still there. Then suddenly they stopped.

“They stopped.” You felt the need to relay everything to her.

“That’s fine, he’s probably just reading over it.” You nodded, trying to convince yourself. But you couldn’t because nothing ever came. It was almost 25 minutes later that you heard the familiar ding of your phone.

Hey Y/N! thanks for letting me know, it really is not easy but rip coronavirus really is kinda messing with everything. i think you’re a really nice person and if circumstances would have allowed, i would have wanted to get to know you more too. everything is kinda hectic rn and i wish you the besttt and stay safe too!!

Immediately you called Megan again. “It doesn’t look good…Listen to what he said.” You read the text, heart dropping with every word you read.

“What are you talking about? That’s a good thing. Y/N he said he wants to get to know you better too. That’s sweet. I think he’s just keeping it open though, cause there’s not much you guys can do anyways.”

“Yeah.” You tried to not let out how dejected you were, but it was clear to her.

“Hey don’t worry about it. If he doesn’t like you then he’s not worth worrying over.”

“Right.” You pouted despite what she said making sense. “Look I’ll call you later, I’ve got to go now.”

“Okay, Y/N, don’t stress too much about it, okay?”

You hummed back, mumbling out your goodbyes.

The moment you hung up, you threw your phone on the bed, falling next to it. You sighed, trying not to overthink everything.

That’s why you confessed now, so that if you were so badly rejected, you wouldn’t have to see him again. Right?

You groaned, closing your eyes, hoping that sleep would make you feel better. Or perhaps you would wake up and find that this was all a dream. 

You woke up and of course with habit, the first thing you did was look over at your phone. You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, grinning at the screen. 

You weren’t thrilled that it was in reality a dream, but on the other hand things had become very real very fast.

NOTIFICATION

Park Jisung            5:18 a.m.

oh, are you still going back to school next year?

You smiled at the text, heart immediately choosing to beat faster than you would’ve liked. With a glance at the clock you realized it was 8:07 a.m. and you couldn’t stop yourself from replying the moment you saw it.

yeah, i’m planning on living off campus tho… are you gonna live off campus too?

You panicked, staring at the screen, knowing damn well that he wasn’t about to reply at 8 in the morning. You had to restrain yourself from calling your best friend that very moment, you were in a happy mood and waking her up would not keep that.

The entire day you were buzzing, constantly checking your phone for new notifications. For the first time you understood what phantom texts felt like. Every couple of minutes you were sure that you felt a text, but alas it was your imagination. 

It wasn’t until 4 p.m. when a real text came through, ringing loud and clear. You had turned your ringer on and off, making sure that it was working just in case.

yup! I’ll be living by the shopping complex in downtown. how about you?

Restraint was not easy for you, and you replied after a few moments passed. Megan had constantly told you to let at least a few minutes pass, but you couldn’t help it. Besides, read receipts were not in your favor.

Conversation seemed to come really easy to you, and after an hour of texting non stop he said he had one more final to take.

You understood and immediately felt bad, realizing that you had taken up precious study time for him. You wished him good luck and spent the rest of the night relaying every detail to Megan over the phone.

Little did you know that that conversation would be the last for a long time.

3 months later

It was time for a break. And what better way was there than a small kickback with your best friends after midterms?

“I brought the good stuff.” You were startled, laying on the daybed of your other friend, Camille’s room. It was the perfect spot for a kickback. A couple hundred feet from the main house, and completely stocked with all that you needed. 

You sat up glancing at the armfuls of alcohol Megan had snagged, don’t ask how she got it.

You giggled at the thought, watching as Camille helped unload. “Let the games begin.”

“Truth or Dare Y/N?” You groaned, turning away from the both of them. 

“You know I hate this game.”

Megan didn’t let up. “Camille has a pond.” 

That was enough information for you. You took a glance out the window, noting that it was freezing outside. You were not taking a chance on her intentions. “Truth.”

“Boring.” She sang, but nevertheless had a question set. “Have you talked to that boy since the last time you called me about him?”

You grumbled to yourself, taking a shot and grimacing. “No.” 

“Why not?” Camille asked, reaching for the bottle still in your hand.

You rolled your eyes. “I don’t know, I’m too much of a coward to text him now. But he could text me first too you know. Especially cause I took the first jump. It’s probably because he doesn’t like me.”

You sighed, staring at the bottle again, tempted to take another shot.

“I’m sure that’s not the case.” You missed the look Megan shot Camille, already coming up with a new idea.

In the end you caved, choosing that perhaps another shot could bring you happiness. But it just burned your throat.

“Megan truth or dare?”

“Dare, duh.” You watched the proud look on her face.

“I dare you to… snapchat that dude that sent dick pics to fuck off.” Camille said, watching Megan’s face contort into delight.

“Hell yeah! It would be my pleasure.” She giggled, and you noticed that she was feeling the alcohol as well.

You felt the need to roll your eyes again.

“Done. And blocked.” She tossed her phone in the middle of the group with satisfaction.

“I don’t know why you just didn’t block him right after he sent them.” You commented, chewing on a gummy worm. 

She just shrugged, “I don’t know, it was kind of fun I guess. Anyways. Camille, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Do you really only see Carson as a friend?” Camille sputtered at the question, spitting out a bit of juice.

“No, I see him as a brother. That’s disgusting, besides he’s dating Bailee.” She shook her head, working to clean up the mess.

“Doesn’t mean you can’t like him.” Megan muttered, before dropping it and turning back to you.

“Y/N truth or dare?”

“Truth.” You mumbled out, not really paying attention.

“Come on, do at least one dare. It’s not fun if you only answer truth.” She whined, pushing another cup of jungle juice towards you.

You hesitantly sniffed the cup before taking a sip. A moment of silence passed as they waited for you. You let out a deep sigh, “Fine, dare. What do you want?”

“I dare you to text him.”

You froze, you knew that’s what she was going to say, but you were so out of it that you let it slide.

“You know I can’t do that.” You answered, wide eyed.

“It’s a dare.” Megan nodded at the window, insinuating the punishment.

“No, I really can’t. I’ll give you my phone though, but I can’t do it.” You dug the phone out of your backpack and tossed it next to hers, which she grabbed immediately typing in your password that she had memorized.

“Deal. I’ll just start it, then you can keep the conversation going.” You waved her off, choosing to drown yourself in as much alcohol as you could in hopes of forgetting that this happened tomorrow morning.

“Done. I just sent hey, with like three y’s and a smiley face. Not the emoji though.” Your mouth dropped at her.

“That’s so not me though. You know I use emojis, and I don’t do the all, heyyyy thing. He’s gonna know.” She just shrugged, sliding the phone back to you.

You sighed, staring at the empty screen, the other two returning to the game.

But it was three minutes later when your phone dinged, a text from Jisung lighting up your screen.

“Is that him?” Camille asked, peeking over at the screen.

“Yeah. I don’t wanna read it though, you do it.” You pushed it away, pulling your knees into your chest.

“I got you.” Megan paused. “See. Guys like the hey thing. He did it back, I don’t know what you were talking about, he’s totally into you.”

You grinned, crawling forward to see for yourself. The phone dinged again seconds later.

“Ooh, that’s hot. I like it when a guy texts in multiple bubbles, it shows they just text you what they think. They’re not planning it out or anything.” Megan commented, already typing in a response for you.

You watched over her shoulder, glancing at Camille who was doing the same. 

“Is this good?” You just nodded back, sitting back on your heels to take a break.

“Oh, wow. That was fast. He texted back.” Although she sounded impressed, she frowned at the text.

“What? What is it?” You asked, panicking at her expression.

“Nothing. He’s just… dry. Was he always a dry texter?” She asked, handing the phone back to you.

“No? I don’t know, I didn’t think he was dry, we texted for like an hour straight that one time.” You mumbled, looking at the phone disappointed.

“Well he seems pretty dry to me. Maybe you should text him, maybe you were right, my texting was too different from yours.” You bit your lip and nodded, trying to come up with a response to him.

You didn’t know if it was because you were drunk, or that he could tell you were drunk, but while the conversation did get slightly better, he seemed dry to you as well. It was after twenty minutes of texting that you couldn’t keep the conversation any longer. You became frustrated at the dwindling conversation.

You had chosen to contact him again after three months of ghosting each other, and now he was making it difficult to carry a conversation. Maybe he really doesn’t like you. You felt your face heat up in embarrassment. Fine, you thought, you weren’t reaching out anymore. You didn’t want to be seen as pathetic, you could catch a hint. He just didn’t like you and was being nice. If he did actually like you, he could reach out to you.

This didn’t stop you from thinking about him for the month following the drunken incident. 

2 years later  Junior Yr.

“I swear if you’re late for this one too, I’m not setting you up on anymore blind dates!” You winced at the sound of your roommate cursing at you.

“I’m going!” You yelled back, slipping out the front door before she had a chance to attack you again. 

You managed to close door without hearing what ever else she had in store for you. 

Your keys jangled as you quickly tried to lock the bright red door, giving it one last tug of reassurance when you turned on your heel to find your car.

“Oof!” A body collided with yours, you were partially, well mostly at fault. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I should’ve paid more attention. It’s just, I was in a bit of a rush…” You trailed off, finally getting a good look at the other person’s face. “Jisung?”

He simply stared back with a blank look on his face, mouth hung slightly open. “Y/N?”

You hated how your heart quickened at the sound of your name from his lips. 

“I-I… wow…” You stuttered out, not quite able to act as natural as you had hoped. “Do you live here?”

“Uh… yeah, I live next door.” He pointed to your left, and when you followed his finger sure enough it was right next to your apartment. You missed the way that he looked you up and down, gulping at the sight of you in years. 

“Oh. Wow, what a coincidence, I guess.” You laughed out nervously, hands playing with your lanyard.

“Yeah.” He nodded back, not really making eye contact. Not that you were trying either.

“Well…”

“Yeah.”

There was an awkward silence between you two, and you cleared your throat to break some tension.

“I was actually on my way out, so… I’ve got to get going. But I’ll see you around.” You put on a fake smile that didn’t really reach your eyes, and shot him a wave before rushing off to your car. Once under the safety of your car, you sighed and tried to discreetly glance at the boy you hadn’t seen or thought of in years.

You shook your head, starting the ignition. It’s time to forget him, you told yourself, besides I’ve got a date waiting for me right now.

It wasn’t until Jisung was positive you could no longer see him, having driven off minutes ago, that he threw his head back and let out the deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. The blush he had been so desperately holding out finally came over his face, as he felt the heat burn his ears.

He had just begun to forget about you, from time to time, pausing over your conversation stream. Although it was torture, every once in a while he would read back all the texts, hating the way that they abruptly stopped. On occasion, mostly when he was drunk, but there were times when he was sober, he would even type out a text but fail to send it.

Jisung was never the outgoing type, he envied those who were. Those that could just strike up a conversation and carry on like it was second nature. But it was hard for Jisung. It took work and energy, and sometimes he didn’t have that. It was stressful and scary to Jisung.

It was a godsend when you reached out to him years ago, claiming so boldly your feelings for him. He wasn’t going to admit it, but then he had asked for his friends help in responding. It was Mark’s wishy-washy personality that had unbeknowingly sent your mind in circles that night.

It was Haechan’s straight-forward nature that had forced him to text you at 5 a.m. the next morning. He was tired of hearing about Jisung’s concerns as to why you didn’t reply earlier, complaining that if he was that worried just text her.

So he did.

And it worked. 

It worked so well. That hour he had spent texting you had butterflies dancing in his belly. He had never felt happier or more connected than at that moment. It wasn’t until his alarm rang, notifying him that he had five minutes until his last final did he stop smiling.

He was more than disappointed when nothing came out of the conversation. Of course he knew that it wasn’t just your fault, after all he had a phone, he could text you too.

And he tried, he really did. Multiple times. But every text he drafted was soon deleted and so the conversation ran dry. That was until three months later, May 16th.

But you always seemed to catch him at a bad time. It was Saturday, but his professor had given him an extension on his paper and it was due at midnight.

Your first text came at 10:58 p.m. 

It took all he had not to answer the text, and eventually he did cave. But as much as he wanted to focus on you he couldn’t, after all he had begged his professor to extend his deadline, he had to finish this. 

Maybe that’s why this time you didn’t seem so responsive. Maybe that’s why this time it only took twenty minutes for the conversation to end.

Maybe that’s why, after it took him forty-five minutes to respond to your last text, you left him on read.

“What’s with the long face dude?” His best friend, and housemate asked, slapping his back passive-aggressively.

“Nothing. And I don’t have a long face.” He pushed back, shoving him softly out of the way.

“Who was that? At the front door?” Jaemin asked, shoving a cookie into his mouth. 

“No one, just someone I knew.” Jisung muttered back, reaching out to steal one from the jar.

“Just someone I knew.” Chenle mocked back, leaning against the wall of the kitchen. “Right. We all could see the look on your face, that’s not just someone you knew.”

Jisung shrugged. “She was a girl I was texting.” He tried to pull it off nonchalantly, but it was evident to his housemates that it wasn’t nothing.

“Shit. Was that that girl you were talking to freshman year? The one you were head over heels for?” Jeno asked, grabbing a seat on a barstool, his laptop tightly in his grip. It was obvious he was working on something.

“Y/N?”Jaemin asked around the crumbs that filled his mouth.

“Ew. Gross. Have some manners dude.” Renjun said shoving Jaemin off the counter where he was perched, “And how many times do I have to tell you not to sit on the counter, that’s not sanitary. We have chairs for a reason.”

Jaemin made a face, but still moved to take a seat next to Jeno.

“Yeah.” Jisung frowned at the rest of the guys. “Did I make it that obvious?”

Renjun laughed, pulling a plate out of the cabinet. “You just talked about her everyday for a month. But no, not that obvious.”

“You should talk to her again, does she live close by?” Jeno asked, typing away at his computer.

“Yeah, she’s… uh… she’s our neighbor.” He rushed the last bit out, knowing that they would take advantage of the situation.

“Ooh! Our Jisung’s little girlfriend lives next door guys!” Chenle cackled out, “Guys, this is fate. And it’s our job to help out.”

Jisung scowled at him, knowing that Chenle meant what he said, “No. Guys leave her alone. Don’t make things weird. We’re going to be neighbors for the rest of the year, I don’t want to have to avoid her.”

“Avoid who?” 

“Haechan, how many times did I tell you to give me that key back?” Renjun asked, narrowing his eyes at the boy.

“Too many.” Haechan shrugged, letting Mark close the door behind him. “You can have this one back though, I’ve got two more copies at my apartment.”

Renjun threw his hands in the air, “I give up.” He picked up his plate of leftovers, opting to sit at the bar next to Jaemin.

“Who are we avoiding though?” Mark asked, settling against the wall next to Chenle.

“Y/N.” Chenle said, giving Mark a knowing grin.

“Y/N? Wait isn’t that...?” Mark furrowed his eyebrows, sporting his signature confused face.

“Uh-huh.” 

“Why are we avoiding her?” He asked, turning to Jisung, who had been awfully quiet.

“We’re not.” Jeno spoke up, finally shutting his laptop. “We just found out she’s our neighbor and Jisung doesn’t want us to do anything about it, cause he doesn’t want to avoid her.”

Haechan grinned, pulling out a glass and filling it up with water from the fridge. “So you still like her?”

“No.” There was an empty silence. “Yes.” 

Jisung sighed at the commotion his confession caused. 

“Well, don’t you think it’s our duty, as your friend, to help you out? After all, I feel like I am very invested in this budding relationship. I did help send the text that set things in motion.” Haechan boasted animatedly, accidently spilling some of his water, which he wiped up with this sock.

“No. I don’t think that it’s your duty. And please stay out of it?” He all but begged the rest of the boys. Much to his dismay, none of them looked like they were swayed. 

Jaemin clapped his hands together standing up, “Okay, how about some neighborly cookies? Everyone likes cookies.” 

Jeno rolled his eyes with a smile, but stood up anyways. “Sure I’m down, but no more of those peanut butter ones, those are shitty. Can’t we just do chocolate chip?”

Jaemin frowned, digging through the pantry cabinet. “You’re lucky we’re out of those. Chocolate chip it is.”

Haechan strolled towards Jisung, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, “How about we get drafting then?” He snorted, “I think a nice love letter should do it.”

Jisung shoved him away with more force than necessary, “Get off me. And no. Stop it with the love letter thing, I was drunk and sad okay?”

Mark butted in before the two of them would really start fighting, “Actually I don’t think that’s a bad idea. I think she’d like that, like, slip it in with the cookies or something. Just say you’d like to see her again, and hang out.”

Renjun stood up, placing his dishes in the sink, “Dude this is why Jisung sent mixed signals in the first place, ‘i’d like to see you again’, ‘let’s hang out’. Can you get any more confusing than that?”

Mark frowned and cocked his head, opening his mouth to retort, but Haechan beat him to it.  “Then what would you say Renjun? ‘Oh how beautiful your eyes compare to a midsummer’s eve. May I court you this evening?’”

Renjun glared at him. “You’re not funny. And no. I was going to say, just tell her it was a missed opportunity. That you’d like to take her out on a date now that you can.”

Jisung shook his head violently at the sound of that. “How am I supposed to do that? That’s way too straight forward, what if she says no?”

“Dude, she likes you. Remember? She sent you that text. And if her feelings aren’t there anymore then… well… I don’t know. But the chances are low.” Jeno tried to reassure him, not doing a very good job of it.

Jisung sucked a breath in, ultimately letting out a hissing noise. 

“Trust me on this one Jisung. I make a mean cookie, we’ll just head over there later today and rekindle whatever you two have.” Jaemin cooed at the boy with a big smile.

“Right. Like I can trust all of you.” He muttered to himself, choosing to escape to the confines of his room.

“So… how was it?” Your roommate asked expectantly, a far change from the way she was speaking to you earlier.

You shrugged, “I dunno, he was nice I guess.” You shook your head. “I don’t know why you guys are all pushy on this stuff. Like I get it, but it’s weird trying to date someone that I’ve just met you know?”

Your roommate Alex just shook her head, waving you off. “Whatever, so did you like him or not? Is there gonna be a second date?”

You laughed at her, she was way too invested in your non-existent love life. “I don’t know, I think so. He was sweet and stuff, but like I said it’s weird.”

“Well, that’s the furthest you’ve gotten so far.” You sent her a glare. “I’m just saying. You always either end up leaving the date, or never seeing them again.”

“Shut up, I don’t-”

You were cut off by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Alex and you exchanged glances, you weren’t expecting anybody.

She stood up, grabbing the bat next to the door, that your mother insisted you bring, ‘just in case’.

You huffed, moving past her, “You know, you could just look through the peephole.” You leaned forward squinting into the door, only to find a group of boys that seemed your age.

“Who is it?”

You pulled back, tilting your head, “I don’t know, just a group of guys.”

You unlocked the door, peeking out through the crack slightly, and you were greeted very enthusiastically by the boy in front.

“Hi!” He grinned, showing off a perfect set of pearly whites. He was waving very aggressively with his free hand, the other seemed to be holding a plate of cookies. “I’m Jaemin! We’re neighbors.”

After his quick introduction he shoved the plate towards you, never letting the smile leave his face.

“Uh… hi?” You weren’t quite sure what to say. 

Luckily Alex did, “Hi, I’m Alex and this is Y/N. That’s so sweet of you.” She smiled back, taking the plate from you. “Do you guys want to come in? We can crack them open right now.”

You stepped back, watching the trail of six- no seven guys just stroll into your apartment. 

“What the hell?” You muttered to yourself, closing the door softly behind the last boy.

“Hi Y/N.”

You looked up to see Jisung again, and you took a slight step back, startled at the sight.

“Jisung. Oh.” You barely let out.

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to overstep or anything. The guys just wanted to meet you… all. They wanted to meet all of you… cause you’re our neighbors, and all…”

You blushed realizing that he had heard you comment, completely ignoring the way that Jisung was stumbling all over his words.

Haechan took no time in introducing himself, and taking the honor of introducing everyone else as well.

“I’m Haechan, this is Mark, Jeno, Chenle, and Renjun. You already know Jaemin, and I’m aware that you already know Jisung.” He grinned proudly after gesturing to each of the respective boys.

“Jisung?” Alex asked, eyebrows raised. You hadn’t told her about him. For one, it never came up, and secondly, it’s not like it was anything important now. That was years ago, you didn’t feel the need to inform her of every detail of your life, like him.

Haechan cocked his head, “Yeah. You didn’t know they knew each other?”

You furrowed your brows at him. “And how do you know that?”

Jisung shyly raised his hand next to you, embarrassed that he was outed for spilling the details to his friends. “Sorry, that would be my fault.”

You turned slightly, mouth dropping at his face, “Oh. I didn’t mean it like that. I..I- That came out wrong. I’m not mad or anything, I was just shocked.”

You bit your lip feeling guilty about the way he responded.

“Anyways.” Jaemin interrupted the awkward silence. “We just wanted to say hi and stop by. Maybe we can all hang out and stuff and be neighborly.”

He grinned, looking around at the group.

“Right.” You nodded slowly, “Thanks for the cookies, and it was nice meeting you all.” There was a forced smile on your face, but none of the boys seemed to notice or care.

Eventually the boys filtered out one by one, and you closed the door, sighing against it.

“They were nice.” Alex said, taking a bite in a cookie. “Oooh, and these are hella good.”

“Yeah.” You mumbled, moving to sit on the couch.

“Why do you look like that? You don’t like them?” She asked, grabbing a glass for milk. “You and Jisung already know each other though. By the way, how do you know him?”

You rubbed your hand over his face. “It’s a long story.”

“Well, I have the rest of the day.” She sang back, taking a seat on the cushion next to you.

And so, now that Jisung was back in your life, you were left no choice to fill her in.

“Damn! That’s awkward as hell.” Her eyes were widened to the max.

“Yeah, I know. But I didn’t want them to feel super weird, cause you know, neighbors right? I just can’t believe my luck though.” You sighed leaning back, slouching down.

“Yeah, but do you like him though?” She asked, to which you whipped your head towards her.

“What?”

“Do you like him? I mean this could be really good for you. Actually it’s a win-win for everyone here. I can stop forcing you on blind dates and you can date the boy you’ve been pining after for years.” She shrugged like it was obvious.

“Okay, I have not been pining after him for years, and we’re not going to date just because I liked him two years ago. I mean, didn’t you get it from what I told you? He doesn’t like me.” You tried to shut her down.

“What are you talking about? Did you see him today? He couldn’t tear his eyes away from you.” You frowned at her observation. You didn’t remember it the way she did, every time you looked at him, which wasn’t that often, he was desperately trying to avoid eye contact.

“No he wasn’t.” You nevertheless blushed at the idea. 

“Ooh, you’re blushing! Someone has a cru-ush!” She raised her voice, and you slapper her.

“Shut up, they’re right next door remember? They’re our neighbors.” She simply winked at you. 

“And no I don’t.” You added as an afterthought.

The small restaurant was bustling with energy, something the boys loved.

“Dude, why haven’t we been here before?” Mark asked, eyes wide with excitement, smacking Haechan’s shoulder unnecessarily hard.

Haechan tried to move away from him, but to no avail.

“I told you, Jeno always said this place was pricey.” He muttered back, giving in when he realised Mark’s habit wasn’t disappearing anytime soon.

“We shouldn’t have trusted Jeno’s cheap ass.” Renjun snorted, “The prices here look decent.”

“Hey!” Jeno tried to defend himself. “I’m a college student, everything is expensive.”

Jaemin threw an arm over Jeno’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. “Let’s just grab a booth.”

As they trudged down the busy pathway, Jeno spotted a familiar face.

“Hey isn’t that Y/N?” Jeno asked, elbowing Jisung in the side. But Jisung was already aware of your presence, he had been the moment they stepped into the restaurant.

“Don’t point.” Renjun slapped the boy’s hand down.

“I wasn’t-”

“Shut up.” 

“Wait… who’s that with her?” Jaemin asked the obvious, slurring his words at the end, as if just understanding the situation.

It seemed as if you were on a date, and Jisung’s heart dropped. It felt like his entire world came crashing down, like any and all hope he had in you went out the window.

Of course you would have a boyfriend, it’s been two years since you last talked, and it’s not like you were even an item. You texted for an hour. 

Jisung closed his eyes for a second, but the picture was still searing in his brain. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he told you that he liked you.

“I guess we didn’t think about that. That she could have a boyfriend.” 

“Yeah, I mean it has been two years.” Mark nodded, agreeing with Jaemin.

“Guys, not helping.” Renjun said between gritted teeth.

Jisung bit his lip, silently running over the image of you. 

Is that your boyfriend? How long had you been dating? Was it after he ran into you? If he asked you out then, would that be him? 

He had so many questions he wanted answered, but he would never get them.

Chenle pulled his arm roughly, trying to drag him into the booth. “Jisung you’re staring. Try not to make it so obvious.” He teased.

Jisung quickly averted his eyes, choosing to sit where he could watch you from his seat. His stomach felt queasy, maybe that was a bad idea. Suddenly he lost his appetite at the sight of you smiling so widely at something funny your date had said.

Mark glanced up from his menu, staring at Jisung who was now downing his water. He elbowed Haechan who was concentrating on the menu. 

“Dude, say something.” He hissed at him, trying to get Haechan to lift the mood. But for some reason, today of all days, he wasn’t having it.

Haechan just shrugged, shaking his head, “What do you want me to do?” Then he went back to his menu.

Mark bit his lip nervously, feeling uncomfortable at the sight of Jisung so anxious. He shot a look at Renjun who understood and at least tried to spark up conversation.

“So Jeno, who’d you come here with again?” He asked, an attempt at diverting attention from the elephant in the room.

“Uhh… some girl…” Jeno mumbled back, blushing furiously.

“Jeno’s blushing!” Chenle shouted out, his loud voice carrying across the restaurant. 

This had Jisung cracking a smile. 

“Dude, not so loud.” Jeno groaned out, sinking into his seat. He turned to glare at Renjun, “Did you have to bring that up?”

Renjun shrugged, but sent a small apologetic smile. ‘Sorry’ he mouthed at the embarrassed boy.

You had Chenle to thank for alerting you of the group’s presence. You pulled away from your conversation with Lucas and craned your head to get a glimpse of your neighbors.

“Do you know them?” Lucas asked, following your gaze.

“Oh, yeah, they’re my neighbors.” You said back, tearing your eyes from their booth.

“Yikes, they’re kind of loud.” He chuckled, “That must be rough on you.”

You gave him a smile, accompanied by your own giggle. “Lucas, in case you didn’t notice, you’re loud.”

He let out a fake gasp, holding his hand against his chest, “Me?”

You laughed, “Lucas, on our first date you thought we had so many complaints about the ‘loud dude in the booth’ that they asked us to leave.”

He frowned, “It’s not my fault my voice carries. And I have a very pleasant laugh, they should’ve been happy to hear it.” He pouted, “But we got ice cream to make up for it.”

You bit your lip, holding back your grin at the memory. “Yeah and it was freezing out.” You paused watching his expression, “But it’s never too cold for ice cream, besides, I wouldn’t have gotten your jacket out of it. And by the way, I’m keeping it. It’s soft.”

He smiled widely, immediately agreeing with you. “I’m just gonna use that excuse to see you again.”

You returned his sentiment, it wouldn’t be all that bad to meet Lucas again. You seemed to enjoy yourself every time you met.

“Oh. Jisung, hey.” You let out surprised.

“Hi.” He smiled at you shyly, staring back at you.

“Hi.” You blushed at the awkward tension between the two of you.

You turned and locked the door quietly before facing your neighbor again. “I was just heading out.”

“Right.” He mumbled, retreating back towards his apartment.

“I was going to the bookstore to pick up some things…” You trailed off, watching his expression, “If you’d like to come…?”

You immediately regretted your offer, ducking your head to hide your embarrassment. “You don’t have to, that was-”

“Sure.”

You froze, quickly snapping your head to meet his gaze.

“I uhh… have some things to take care of too.” He stumbled over his words to accept your offer.

“Oh, okay.” You smiled shyly at your feet, a strange feeling in your stomach turning.

You nodded in the direction of campus, trudging forward slowly at first to let him catch up. Soon enough the two of you were keeping pace.

A few minutes passed before Jisung cleared his throat, “So what are you getting from the bookstore?”

You nodded to yourself, “I have a textbook I ordered. It’s ridiculous isn’t it? How insanely overpriced it is, and it’s not like it’s even possible to pass the class without it. I mean I’m paying enough for college, now I have to pay on top of that.” You took a breath and chuckled nervously, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rant on you.”

Jisung grinned at the way you were so worked up, “No not at all. I totally agree. It’s a rip off, I mean why not just make it part of tuition, we’re paying enough as it is.”

You nodded, “Right? It’s not right to make it required, like I could totally pirate it online, but if the professors make our homework using the online site to turn it in, that’s not even an option.”

You sighed exasperated, and missed the look on Jisung’s face. He seemed to enjoy the way you raved on about something as simple as a textbook.

You paused at the sound of his laughter from beside you, and you turned to look at him with a smile, enjoying the sound. 

It was a fifteen minute walk to campus, and another five to the bookstore. And before you knew it the building was looming over your heads.

Jisung jogged a few paces before you, reaching for the door. You paused, watching as he stood aside, holding the door for you.

You blushed, perhaps, as they say, chivalry isn’t dead. “Thank you.”

You reached your hand up, pressing your cold fingers against your burning cheeks, an attempt to chase away the color.

“So which class is it for?” He asked, looking around, and thankfully not noticing your heated face.

“Economics.” You replied, lifting your head in search of your department.

The two of you wandered around for a few more moments, not searching particularly hard for the book in question.

“Look, introduction to Korean Pop Music.” He laughed, pointing at the textbook. “Can you believe there’s a whole course on that?”

You smiled, looking. “I dunno, it seems interesting. Besides, there’s classes for classical music, and pop music, why not K-pop?” 

He nodded back, giving you a glance.

“Here, economics.” You mumbled out, walking down the long corridor. You ran your fingers along the spines of all the books, stopping at the familiar title. “Jesus, 98 dollars.”

He frowned, sidling up next to you. 

Sighing you reluctantly pulled the book off the shelf. “Ready?”

Jisung looked at you under heavy brows.

“You’re going to get it?”

“It comes with the online version. I mean I have to get the online portion, might as well get the hardcopy for free with it.” You nodded towards the check out, stepping towards the staircase.

He followed in suit, stuffing his hands in his pocket. He ran into your back after you stopped abruptly, suddenly remembering something.

“Oh, didn’t you have to get a book?”

Jisung’s eyes widened, “Oh yeah.” At that moment he reached out and grabbed what seemed to be a random book from the closest table, but you chose to ignore it.

He raised the book, and gave you a smile.

Your eyebrows shot up, “Introduction to the female reproductive system?”

Jisung suddenly turned very pale, as he tried to play it off. “Yeah, ummm… for my biology class.”

You grinned, nodding like you believed him. But you chose to continue up the stairs, unable to watch as his face contorted. While you weren’t looking he quickly flipped over the cover, gulping at the sight of the price.

“80 dollars?” But he shook it off, trudging after you.

“Anything else for you?” A boy around the same age as you was checking you out.

“Nope, that should be it.” You smiled, fumbling around with your purse to find your wallet.

“Economics huh? Are you a ManEcon major?” He asked, leaning towards you slightly, ignoring Jisung who had arrived nearby.

You looked up from your bag, “Huh? Oh, yeah ManEcon. You?”

Your hand was still deep in your back when he replied. “Same, I’m a Junior, I managed to switch in last year.”

“Really?” You raised your eyebrows, “Was it difficult?”

“No, I mean I knew I wanted to switch early on, so I already was taking the classes I needed.”

You nodded back, “That makes sense. Have you taken macro yet? I’m signed up this quarter but I’m a little nervous.”

“I had Zeggert last quarter, she was pretty good.” He smiled, nodding, “She likes it when people go into office hours, really tries to help.”

You cracked a smile of your own, “No way, I have Zeggert. Thank goodness, I’m definitely going to use her office hours a lot then.”

You took a moment to successfully dig out your wallet, sliding him your card.

“That’s good, well, I’m here basically all the time. So if you ever need help, you know where to find me.” He winked at you, returning the card.

You murmured out a quick thanks, and stepped aside to let Jisung pay for his books.

Jisung didn’t take long, and you noticed that he was particularly cold with the cashier, who in turn wasn’t nearly as friendly with him as he was with you.

“He was kind of flirting with you.” Jisung mumbled out, picking at the brand new spine of his unneeded textbook.

You glanced at him, stepping through the door that he once again held open, not knowing how to respond to him.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” He asked under his breath as you caught up beside him.

“What?” You shot him a puzzled look.

Jisung raised his eyebrows, “Your boy...friend?” He slowed his words, questioning them himself.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” You let out, not pausing in your steps. The same couldn’t be said for Jisung.

He jogged slightly to catch up. “But your date…?”

“My date?” You asked, now choosing to stop and face him. You shook your head, confused, “What date?”

“The- the guy you were with at the restaurant Wednesday.” He studied the sidewalk intently, flustered at his confession.

“You saw me?” You leaned down slightly, trying to catch his gaze.

“I-uh… I mean I didn’t mean to watch you. But we just happened to go to that restaurant.” He mumbled, choosing to walk forward and escape the situation, but you quickly caught up.

“He’s not my boyfriend, I mean, we were on a date, but he’s not my boyfriend.” You felt the need to defend yourself, or at least clear things up. Although you didn’t know why you felt the need.

“Oh. A date.” He mumbled. He was overjoyed at the fact that you weren’t dating anyone, but couldn’t help but be disappointed at the mention of a date. From what he remembered, you seemed to be enjoying yourself then.

The silence grew until you reached your doorstep. It had taken Jisung fifteen minutes to decide, fifteen minutes to pluck up the courage he needed.

“How about a date with me?” Although he refused to meet your eyes, you felt the genuinity.

Part 2

© Copyright 2021. hyuckssunchip. All rights reserved.

[falloutjay]

Stan x anxious/compassionate reader (kind of has a little canon divergence)

After giving up on Wendy (around Season 12), Stan and us start dating, we were always worried about him (no we weren't dating him out of pity, we were just a very anxious person). Some people find of clingy, others find us adorable but We've never left his side:

Ex: We were by his side helping with whales (Whale W)

We were the only one who didn't leave him when he got depression (You're Getting Old/Ass Burgers)

Next to Heidi, we became social pariah because we didn't want to dump Stan (this even made Wendy guilty)

But him moving, really gets to us, the coronavirus makes it worse. We get worried about him, then we start getting worried about everyone else as everything falls apart (Kyle, Kenny, Eric, Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott, etc.) And we pass out of stress. About waking up in the hospital, we find out, everyone was worried about us. And Stan is the most worried of all, he spends the whole day with us. We tal-no vent about all the happened to the both of us. By the end of it, we agree that whatever happens we'll do it together.

Guess whos back! :D

Well, while it's not my best work, in my humble opinion, I sure hope you enjoy and like it. Again sorry for the delay! ಥ_ಥ

And if it's not that clear, because I know I can write a little cryptic, there is a time skip. You can either have all the show events happen when they are children and have the time skip between Covid and the memories or between you getting together as kids and the memories. Choose however you like! ^^

_________________________________________

Stan x anxious!compassionate!Reader

Tiny eyes watched the scene unfold.

Normally, Wendy was the one to break up with Stan, but not this time around. Stan was actually telling Wendy that he had no interest in her anymore.

“What changed Stan?” Wendy asked, obviously confused.

“I think I like someone else… I don’t know yet…”

Wendy gave him a smile.

“I wish you all the luck Stan, say if you need anything!”

“I will.” And with that, Wendy took off to be with her friends, while Stan turned a corner and told Kyle and Kenny how it went.

Cartman was there too, but he only wanted to know if she cried, because “she would deserve it.”.

You closed your locker and felt your heartbeat like crazy. Ever since you changed school a few months ago, Stan captured your little ten-year-old mind.

He was kind and showed you around when you had no idea where to go. It was a little crush you developed, and you never felt as scared and excited as now, since that Stan had broken off with Wendy.

This newfound feeling almost made you dizzy but you quickly snapped back into reality when you heard your name.

“Y/N?” Stan asked and waited patiently for his answer next to you.

“Oh, sorry, I was thinking, what did you want?”

“Would you maybe like to hang out some time?”

Stan almost got a heart attack when you suddenly squealed but was happy when you managed to get a high-pitched “YES!” out.

“Okay, what are you betting Kenny? Some Pennies or a dead rat?” Cartman almost fell from his chair laughing about his shitty joke, while Kyle and Kenny rolled their eyes.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how clingy they are?” Kyle asked his blonde friend, while they kept watching you and Stan, who were seated at a separate table at lunch.

“Honestly, I think it’s pretty cute.” Kenny said with his muffled voice.

You held his arm and hugged him from the side, while he happy kept on eating his lunch.

Eric, who had now calmed down from his laugh attack eyed the couple critically. “I’m giving them a month max.”

He said lazily and looked around. “I say longer than a year.” Kenny said, throwing a crinkled five-dollar note on the table.

“You two are horrible.” Kyle shook his head before he threw 10 dollars on the table.

“Four months.”

Kenny was a happy man after a year, because despite everyone believing you two would eventually break up, you never did.

You were always by his side, no matter what.

His desire to desperately save whales with the help of a braindead ship crew?

You were always right by his in the interviews he gave.

His horrible depression that even drove Kyle away? No chance, you stood strong and helped him through the whole thing and even help reuniting the gang.

Even during the protest against Skanthunt42, you chose to sit this one out, despite you absolutely hating that the troll photoshopped a dick into your mother’s mouth.

At least you and Heidi got close due to you guys both becoming social outcasts. When Wendy heard this, she was impressed by your dedication and felt somewhat guilty for obviously not trying as much in her former relationship.

Everyone admired your patience and endurance. No matter what obstacle came, you managed to get through it.

“You don’t need to be sad, Y/N. I won't be that far away.” Stan said, holding your hand.

“B-But it's outside of town. You need ages by bike to get there and vice versa.” You said, holding back tears.

Randy walked past you and you desperately pleaded to him.

“Please Mister Marsh, please stay in town!” Randy put the box he carried into the car, before turning to you.

“Real sorry, dear Y/N. This town is…How do I put it… Absolute shit and I really want to get away.”

He patted you on the head and went back into the house to get more boxes.

“Told you, you cant talk to him.” Stan said and shrugged.

“But it’s unfair. We won’t see each other as much anymore.” Stan pressed a kiss onto your cheek, which made you blush intensely.

“Don’t. Worry. I will make time for you.”

With that in mind, you didn’t feel as sad, when the car with the Marsh Family in it left for their new home.

“I will make time for you, my ass.” You mumbled while you sat at a bench near Starks Pond. Letting out a deep sigh, you leaned back and just enjoyed the warmth of the setting sun.

Covid was one hell of a bitch and just had to have this big impact on everyone’s life. Stan and you now saw each other less and less.

It was just a horrible feeling that tainted your heart and made you worry a lot.

Maybe he was feeling just as bad as you are, maybe even more?

Maybe he just didn’t want to tell you how he felt?

Were you maybe a bad partner? Your mind began racing and your train of thoughts became unrailed.

So many bad thoughts manifested themselves and it made you almost gasp for air.

“I need to check on him.” You mumbled getting up from the park bench.

You began walking and you kind of hoped that maybe just the walking would get your mind in check, but sadly it didn’t. Involuntarily you had to think about all the other stuff that happened during this horrible time.

The precious Broship was more fragile than ever. You had become such good friends with Kenny, Kyle and Cartman over time that it hurt you a lot too.

You also saw Covid take a toll on your other friends, like Craig and his group, who now took Cartman into their gang after the split up.

However, that came to be…

The girls were also pretty divided, so hanging out with them meant picking sides which wasn’t your thing, you kinda just want them to get along again.

Everything felt like it was falling apart. Your parents had fights ever so often, all your friends had problems and your beloved boyfriend was stuck on that stupid farm.

God how you hated that stupid farm and Randy.

When he gave you one of those plushies that looked like him, you functioned it into a voodoo doll. But sadly, it didn’t seem to affect him, no matter how many needles you rammed into it.

Your heart felt heavy, and it seemed hard to breathe, but you brushed it aside.

You had already reached the busy streets of South Park and mingled between the newly vaccinated people.

Everywhere you looked, the people seemed happy.

Everyone was happy except you and the people around you… Maybe…You were the problem?

You shook your head. No, you didn’t allow those kinds of thoughts.

You much rather think about Stan. How you miss him and how amazing your dates were.

Oh, how much effort he put into all the small things… Well… At least he did.

Now that you thought about it when was your last date?

It feels like it had been ages. It has been ages. Everything had been ages. Going out with him, hanging out with your friends, your family not fighting… How long has this been the new normal? You can’t help but wonder.

Your heart clenched again. “Stop it, stupid heart.” You mumbled under your breath.

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips when you thought about how you maybe had to walk all the way up to the farm… It would take ages, but you really craved being held by the person you adored so much.

So, you continued walking down through the street when an elder lady stopped you.

“Excuse me, but you look rather sickly, are you alright?” Confused you raised an eyebrow. Did the vaccines make them delusional?

“No, I’m fine.” You answered, somewhat snippy, even when you didn’t know why you were so agitated.

“But you look rather pale, maybe you- I am fine.” You interrupted her and continued your path.

Were all people in this shitty town stupid or- The thought could not be completed, due to you suddenly losing consciousness.

When you woke up again, you immediately recognized one of the Hells Pass Hospital rooms, once your eyes had adjusted to the bright lights. Around the bed were your parents and more importantly Stan and his mother.

“Thank God, you’re awake again!” Your mother said when she went for a hug.

Confused you asked why you were here.

“Well, seemingly you were so stressed out, that your body basically shut down.”

Somewhat shocked you looked around. Was it really a surprise to hear that? Not really, but it still felt odd knowing that it happened.

“Well, I’m glad you’re fine, Y/N.” Misses Marsh commented and smiled warmly at you. She had always liked you and you felt the same. She was always nice to you and you felt like she was the only one with a brain in the family…

Feeling a sudden sensation of warmness on your hand, your eyes darted down to it. Stan held you hand while answering something your dad had asked him.

“Well, Sharon, you wanna accompany us to get some hot chocolate for us all?”

Your mother said with an odd wink, which made you and Stan roll your eyes.

The three adults left the room chatting happily. Stan looked at you with a stern expression, which kind of surprised you.

“I swear, whenever I think I couldn’t get more worried about you, your parents call me, to tell me that you’re in the hospital.”

“Worried? About me? I should be worried about you?” You laughed to which Stan shook his head.

“Listen, everyone has been super worried about you since you seemed so down and just exhausted. Like, Kyle already called me earlier to ask if you’re awake again. I don’t know why you worry about me; I am really fine babe. Promise.”

With that said, the door opened, and your parents came back inside.

“Y/N, the doctor said they would like you to stay the night, so they can check that you’re really alright.” Your father informed you and you were immediately annoyed.

Well, you had no choice but to oblige. Your parents left after an hour, wanting to get you some clothes and other things you’d need.

Sharon also bids her goodbye and so you and Stan were left.

And just like you wished, you got to cuddle with him. He held you close, and you vented to him, how worried you were about everything and everyone, while he told you just how worried all of your friends had been since you were acting so out of character.

“Even Cartman?”

“Yup, even when he would never admit it.” Stan laughed. He held your hand tight, and his content smile never left his face.

“I think we should talk more about feelings and being worried and all that. I know I’m not all that good at it, but I don’t ever wanna have to visit you in a hospital again.” Stan said, giving your hand a squeeze.

“That sounds good. But you gotta accept, I worry a lot, because I care a lot about you, okay?” You said sternly and Stan nodded. You two looked fondly at each other and just enjoyed the time you got.

“Together forever?” You asked and he whispered “Forever.”, before he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips.

[habibialkaysani]

so look. I have been having another bad brain week. am thinking it would be good to get down some of why I’m feeling shitty. this will get long.

1) I just feel inexplicably sad all the time. so fucking sad. and I’m trying so hard to have energy to do shit, but it’s so difficult esp when out of nowhere I keep being on the verge of tears for no apparent reason??? and because of a combo of my meds, my hormones (bc my period is due soon) and my bpd flaring after a manic phase - I just feel really turbulent in my emotions. I go from up to down in ten seconds and I hate that. 

2) things have been super stressful with family. it looks like my little brother has a drug problem because he got arrested a week or so ago. he wasn't charged but I'm still super worried about him esp because he won't open up to me no matter how understanding I try to be with him.

3) then there's my nan, who is now out of hospital but who is also not given the best prognosis - I don't know the specifics but unless she has a liver transplant she doesn't have that long. which worries me. especially given how my uncles are just really shitty people who keep picking fights even while their probably dying mother is suffering.

4) speaking of. everyone is going to see my nan in my family and social distancing is not a thing for anyone right now. and family members keep getting huffy because we want to keep shielding speedy.

5) I got an email from work from a certain colleague who tbh I did not have the best relationship with saying that she was leaving, and that someone in another office was briefed on my furlough situation. but in the email it seemed to suggest that me returning to the office wasn't completely off the table which seemed strange, because when I was first told I was being furloughed it was with the understanding that I would eventually be made redundant. and idk. the thought of returning to that office... for some reason it fills me with dread. I've been having a lot of bad dreams about work and I hate that. I hate that I have to work and make a living because I don't want to. I hate being an adult.

6) I'm trying to do other stuff that I need to get done and I'm making progress with some writing things, but finding the energy to do that is so fucking hard.

7) I've been having so much trouble with my body image lately. like I've touched on this before but I've had a high bmi for a long time, and at one point it was 35, which is well into the obese category. but when I look in the mirror I - don't feel its as bad? like I know my mum's weight. it's a good five kilos less than me but her tummy looks bigger and physically she looks bigger than me. I say this not because I want to start any kind of competition or point scoring exercise - for certain my mother has been doing more walking than I have because I hate going to the park knowing that people aren't socially distancing or taking it seriously. I'm only mentioning it because I'm wondering about the limitations of bmi. at the same time maybe I just can't see what is on the scales. my bmi did go down a bit in recent months and was around 32 last time I checked, but I just. kinda like my mood, I keep bouncing between liking how I look when I see my reflection, to hating myself with a passion. and neither of those things are good for me.

8) generally I feel really tired all the time. even tho I haven't been doing much. like technically I am bc speedy needs homeschooling and that has been my job in the absence of an actual job. but I haven't been walking much. I haven't been moving around. and quite honestly I'm wondering what the point is of all this, because being in lockdown this long has not been fun. and given the uk is not exactly doing well in terms of coronavirus transmission and deaths I highly doubt they're going to go through with their plans to open up.

tl;dr I need to figure out my purpose in life because my brain is a mess. I don't think that means I'm going to be doing anything drastic so if you're reading this and are worried, don't be. I know I have it easier than some people esp because I'm still being paid, just not my full wage. I just feel really lost, and anytime I want to have a conversation about it I just - don't know who to talk to. this is deep shit and I don't want to land anything on anyone. its not fair that I keep having these mini breakdowns and for anyone to have to shoulder that burden for me. but hopefully just getting it down in words will help to get it out of my system.

[doomedandstoned]

Doom in a Time of Corona: Konvent Speaks From The Lockdown

~By Shawn Gibson!~

Hello, Ladies! Nice to catch up with you again. Thank you for your time. How is everyone?

Hi, Shawn! Great to talk to you again. Everyone is absolutely fine, but as you may know this is a pretty weird time with the COVID-19 situation going on. But we’re all safe and happy at the moment and we really feel like that's the most important thing right now.

How are you dealing with novel coronavirus and what are you doing to stay busy in this down time? Any writing or recording?

It's no secret that it's a boring time for everyone. We are so used to meeting a lot in the band and going to concerts, etcetera, but right now we can’t do that. So we actually watch a lot of Netflix, HBO, and get early to bed -- like true rockstars. (laughs)

We have no recording right now. It is also almost only three months since we released our album, so we took the time to breathe out after a stressful period of album release, tour, etcetera, but we are currently focusing on writing new material for our next album. Sara and Heidi have been doing some new riffs and we’re working at our own place with the new material. It feels like the perfect timing to start experimenting with different things musically. It is also important for us that we have time to immerse ourselves and retain the joy of creation.

I hate that this virus has affected everyone from musicians, fans, venue owners, festival promoters, labels, and so on. Tell me about some of these kick ass festivals Konvent was supposed to play? Will they be rescheduled? Who was on the line up?

Yes, we really hate it too. But we were incredibly lucky because the lockdown happened only a week after we finished the last show on our release tour. So when our government announced the lockdown here of all schools, universities and jobs, we’ve just stayed home and worked from our apartments and have not met since, to follow the regulations and stay safe.

It’s no secret that the virus will have some consequences according to cancellations of the summer festivals. Some of them have already been announced and some of them not, so we’ll keep you guys updated about it. We had been looking so much forward to playing at the festivals this summer, but of course we hope to be booked for 2021.

Generally, we feel very lucky with some of the offers we have been given and this really gives us the courage to keep on going and make it even bigger for 2021!

Film by Black Label Pictures

Konvent has been very busy! Your newest album 'Puritan Masochism' (2020) is excellent. I have heard nothing but praise for this album. What has Konvent been up to since we last had a chat?

Thank you so much. It makes us so happy to hear people saying that they like the album. When we signed the deal in 2018, we only had a few finished tracks, so we were far away from going into the studio. Since we had quite many concerts in 2018, we didn’t have a lot of time to work on the album. So half of the record was made in the beginning of 2019 and some tracks were even made one day before going into the studio with Lasse Skov at Ballade Studios in Copenhagen. Napalm knew this and we agreed with them to have the album out either in late 2019 or 2020, so they were very patient and weren't rushing us in any way.

Going on the Puritan Masochism tour has also been amazing! This was our very first headliner tour and we got to go to Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Germany, and the UK. We have met so many cool people and we really love to go to places we’ve never been before. We have really been blown away by how many people who want an interview and how incredible people have been when it comes to buying our merchandise and album. We have gained more confidence as individuals, but also as a band.

We also experienced all the things that could go wrong on a tour. (laughs) The support band cancels, the car broke down, the guitar and drum broke on stage, but we somehow managed to defeat all these challenges and we couldn’t think of a better experience than we had on the tour.

How was the recording process for 'Puritan Masochism'?

We really wanted that raw, gritty sound, as if the music is coming from the abyss! And that’s why we chose to work with Lasse Ballade because he had made a bunch of cool records that we really admired. Lasse Ballade has a studio in the center of Copenhagen and we got together for 14 days and recorded the whole album live. I (Sara) think we have allowed ourselves to be more creative with playing with different riffs and rhythms this time.

When we recorded the demo we weren’t as relaxed with our instruments as we are now. It comes more naturally and we’re only getting better at experimenting with new stuff.

Our producer Lasse Ballade used a lot of time together with Sara and Heidi on finding the right sound for the guitar and bass and it was his idea to record some of the drums in his basement, to give it a more deep and kinda creepy basement sound. So he was definitely the one who really helped us find our sound, and we couldn’t be happier!

How is it being signed to Napalm Records?

We love working together with Napalm Records and they are very professional. We have come a long way since we signed the deal and Napalm plays a big role in order to make most of our dreams possible so far. We couldn’t think of any better label for us right now.

We would really like to go on bigger tours and play more festivals, as long as it can work out financially. And we are steadily getting more offers, so that’s really exciting! Our booker Thorsten from Napalm Events is handling all our offers, but we often get messages directly from bookers who want to put on a show with us and then we just direct it to him.

We are already so happy with what’s happening for us at the moment and we just try to enjoy it as much as we can and not put too much pressure on ourselves.

What are some death/doom bands that have inspired Konvent?

Almost all of our dads raised us on Black Sabbath. When Julie was little, she and her dad also listened to Kiss and led Zeppelin a lot. When Sara first learned the guitar as a teenager, her biggest influence was Nirvana. Heidi was a big fan of The Darkness in her teens. In Rikke’s early high school years she was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers a lot, but then she discovered Rammstein and became a huge fan.

As we got older, our taste in music developed and we got more and more interested in metal genres like death, black, thrash, tech, hardcore, slam, and also punk. We still listen to a lot of different bands, but we all like bands such as Yob, Mantar, Candlemass, and Paradise Lost.

Konvent is one of the heaviest death/doom bands I know! The vocals still kick my ass, Rikki! Some guys can't sound like that!

That’s a huge compliment. (laughs) Thanks!

I'm very proud to have bought the CD and t-shirt bundle for 'Puritan Masochism.' I hope Konvent has great success with the album and merch sales.

Thank you so much for buying it. We really appreciate people supporting us. We have been really overwhelmed by how many people are supporting us with buying our merchandise.

Tell me about signing with Barsk Management Agency.

Our new manager Esben, who just started Bask Management, is a friend of the band and has earlier been the lead singer of Hatesphere for the past decade, where he's gathered invaluable knowledge about the music business and the metal scene, especially.

We realized a few months ago that we needed someone to help us with the practical stuff and tour management, in general. We are actually not a super structured band and we often forget things when we go on tour. (laughs) Esben contacted us a few months ago and we had a few meetings and agreed that we would like to start a corporation about management. We couldn’t be happier about this decision. It has really removed burdens from us according to the practical stuff so we’re are able to focus on the most important thing: music!

What are your plans for Konvent when this pandemic is over? Live shows and re-scheduled festivals?

We had some festivals and shows which were cancelled, but we have already been rescheduled to 2021 for some of them -- and we are really happy about that. We know that some bands are suffering a lot more than us so we just try to be happy over the fact that we got to release the album and finish the tour before the pandemic. But we have HRH Vikings Chapter III in the UK this Autumn, which will be our first time playing at a viking festival. (laughs) But we have a pretty crazy announcement very soon and we can’t say anymore at the moment, but we are pretty stoked about it. We’ll keep you updated.

What is in the future for Konvent?

We are already so happy with what’s happening for us at the moment and we just try to enjoy it as much as we can and not put too much pressure on ourselves. We have pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones many times now and that in itself is something to be proud of. Looking back, we feel like we have accomplished much more than what we could have hoped for, for example getting a record deal, playing at Copenhell -- Denmark’s biggest metal festival -- in front of 4,000 people, and playing Roskilde Festival, which is the biggest festival in Northern Europe!

At the moment, we are just really blown away by all the positive feedback on our debut album. But, of course, we still dream big! We hope to visit more countries around Europe and we would love to go overseas, as well -- the US, Canada, South America, Australia, you name it! But our biggest dream is to play at 70,000 Tons of Metal. (laughs)

Thank you for your time. I hope you all and your families are well during this tough period.

Thank you so much. Hopefully we’ll see you in the crowd someday!

Puritan Masochism by Konvent

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[purplesurveys]

698

3 words that describe...

Your personality: (A bit) aloof, sensitive, and shy.

Your friends: Loud, laidback, cheeky.

Your family: Emotionally distant, (mostly) religious. I’m cheating so much on this looooool.

Your life: Right now? Put on hold. Thanks, coronavirus.

Your current mood: Hungry, and irritated eyes.

Your dreams/goals in life: Ok three words will be too short for this so I’ll just enumerate three whole phrases: I’d like to have a job that pays well, get a house that doesn’t have to be huge, but it has to come with features I’ve always wanted like cove lights and a yard for the kids and dog to play in, and get settled.

Your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend (if you have one): Funny, intelligent, courageous.

The person you last talked to: Brave, considerate, responsible.

The room that you are currently in: Comfortable, well-lit, homey.

The world in your perspective: Many stupid humans.

Yes/No questions...

Are you creative? Absolutely not. I like doing the logical/rational side of things... I let others take care of creative aspects, if they have to be present.

Do you like spending a sunny day outdoors? NO, unless I’m at the beach then sunny is the only way to go. Otherwise I’d rather be indoors or somewhere air-conditioned thx.

Do you get upset easily or over the littlest things? I can be. It’s usually when I’m already stressed/antsy enough, or if I’m on my period.

Do you dislike any of the people in charge of you (i.e: teachers, bosses)? I don’t particularly dislike my prof in my Rizal course but he sure teaches like he doesn’t want to be there. I just haven’t been getting the enthusiasm off of him, and that’s really important to me when it comes to being interested in my subjects. Oh but my PE coach this sem is a bitch - one time I forgot to wear the shirt color she demands us to follow and she ignored me for the entire period. Quickest way to make me feel shitty. So yeah. Probably her.

Do you like to read books/magazines/newspapers? I like books only if they’re non-fiction. I...don’t really read magazines anymore, and I kinda have to check into newspapers from time to time because I take up journalism.

Are you family-oriented? Towards my girlfriend’s family, yeah. I don’t really care about being family-oriented for my own.

Have you ever been friends with someone in the past out of sympathy? Yeah, this girl named MJ in Grade 7. She was a new-ish student then and no one was approaching her, so Gab and I tried to befriend her for a time. Didn’t really pan out that well - we just didn’t mesh - so we stopped talking not long after.

Do/did you ever get nervous around people you are/were crushing on? I still do.

Do you believe in global warming? Duh.

Are you happy with the way society/the world in general is? I’m typically pessimistic when it comes to people, so no not really. I just feel like the bad news always overweigh the good these days - and while good news can serve as rays of sunshine sometimes, I’d rather face reality than live in my own bubble and choose to be oblivious to all the shitstorms happening around me.

Do you ever question your own religion/beliefs? I did, as early as when I was 10. The Bible just didn’t make sense to me to my frustration, and I’ve always felt disgusted with my school guilt-tripping us to be good people because a man got crowned with thorns and nailed to a giant cross. I figured I can be good simply because I choose to, so I let go of my Catholic roots quickly after. Having no friends that time surely forced me to think hahahahahahaha jk 1/2

This/That...

Do you prefer today's trends/styles, or ones from the past? Both have awesome stuff, there’s no need to pick. I’m really into the mom jeans of the 90s, but I also like the yellow trend that’s been going on recently.

Being too cold or too hot? I’d rather be shivering but be comforted with a thick blanket, than sweat bullets and have absolutely no way to cool myself down.

Uploading music to your iPod, or buying CDs? Depends. I used to buy the CDs of my favorite artists then just download the other music I’m not as passionate about.

Fruits or vegitables? VEGETABLESSSSSSSSSSSS. I hate fruits.

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate, for the most part. Vanilla tastes like nothing to me. Baseball or football? I don’t watch either and I probably won’t enjoy either either lmao, but I have a bias towards football because my girlfriend’s sisters play the sport. The mall with a bunch of little stores, or one single, big store? Malls kinda work differently here... they’re all one big building with a bunch of restaurants, clothing shops, sports shops, novelty stores, etc. Rap music or rock and roll? Not a big fan of either but I’d go with rock and roll I guess. I like some rap but none of them make me feel things, which rock can sometimes do for me. Roller skates or roller blades? I owned a pair of roller blades when I was 10 and had fun memories with it even though I never did learn how to do it properly. Horror movies that give you nightmares, or romance that makes you vomit? Horror for sure. I don’t even like romance-only movies; they have to be laced with a lot of comedy in between for me to enjoy them. Making more friends or making more money? Making more money sorry LMAOOOOOO Living it up and being stupid, or being safe and never pay the price? I’d always rather be safe. I hate getting reprimanded or caught doing something bad or being punished. Doing more of the talking, or more of the listening in a conversation? Listening, please. I don’t like having the attention on me for too long. Giving or receiving? Giving I guess? I always have a pretty good sense of what my loved ones need, and it’s always nice to see how good they feel when I give it to them. Cats or dogs? Dogs. Playing on the swingsets or the slides (as a kid)? Swings. I was traumatized by one slide when I was 6 because it was apparently blistering hot when I slid down from it, and it almost burned my butt off lmao.

Would you rather...

Bolding these because I’m lazy.

Live off of just food for 2 days, or just beverage for 2 days?

Tell a lie and be believable, or tell the truth and still be blamed?

Die at 65 with the love of your life, or live to 85 being single?

Fart and be heard from far away or fart and be smelled from far away?

Be tickled for an hour straight or be woken up by a bucket of cold water?

Have a cabel snap while bunjee jumping or have the bar go up on a coaster?

Have a deadly plague or a nuclear bomb hit your country? (Don't get ideas!) < This is a sick question to ask these days lol. I’m not answering.

Lick a frozen telephone pole or stick your hand in dry ice? Be rejected by your favorite celebrity or by someone you secretly admire? Give up your favorite food for eternity or eat a bowl of dead spiders? Make a lot of money at a job you hate or little money at a job you love? Jump off a bridge or from a moving car? < Another sick question.

Favorites...

Color(s): Pink, sky blue, off-white.

Song(s): I don’t have one at the moment. I haven’t listened to any music in a while, save for lo-fi.

Artist(s): Beyoncé if we’re talking solo, Paramore if you mean bands.

Music genre: I don’t have a favorite one; my taste is pretty scattered.

Movie: Two for the Road or Good Will Hunting

TV show: Breaking Bad, Friends, BoJack Horseman, Queer Eye

Actor and actress: Gregory Peck; Audrey Hepburn or Kristen Stewart

Movie/TV genre: Romantic comedy or drama lmao, I’m a sappy bitch. Suspense and psychological horror are also cool.

Restarant: Yabu, Mendokoro Ramenba, or Silantro

Food: Sushi

Dessert: Macarons

Hobby: Going to museums! Or reading about the history of anything.

Activity to do out of boredom: Scroll my social media feeds orrrrrr do surveys, or watch cooking videos on YouTube heh.

Type of weather: Bleak, rainy, and chilly.

Book: I don’t have a favorite.

Subject in school: History

Item that you own: My car hahahaha

Pastime: Eating out and window shopping. Maybe I’m just saying these because I haven’t been to a mall in a while :/

Site: Palawan

Tourist attraction: I’ve always wanted to go to those towers that lets you go to the top floor and the floor is just literal glass. If I’m gonna be a tourist-y tourist, that’s the first place I’d go to haha.

Random questions in your own words...

If you could have any desired superpower, what would it be?

The history nerd in me would take up time travel in an instant. And I won’t even be using it as a superpower lmao, it’d be like a research pastime for me.

What would be your dream job?

If I wasn’t such an introvert and if I were a lot better in handling crowds, I really would have wanted to be a pro wrestler.

Descibe your dream date:

Museum in the day, cute dinner at night.

What was the best day of your life like?

I don’t know if that has happened yet.

What was the worst day of your life like?

So far my worst day was when I wasn’t accepted into my school paper in high school and I spent like 18 hours crying my eyes out. I liked writing and was accepted for my portfolio, but people thought I was too shy to fit the group’s dynamic and ended up getting booted. There are quiet writers too, assholes.

If you ever have kids one day, what you you name them?

Too early for this lol I’ve only had name picked out - Olivia.

What's one thing that will bring you out of your worst mood no matter what?

My dog. FOR SURE.

Who's the most annoying person you've ever encountered?

Jem, someone from my college who thinks she’s close with me but I really do not like her at all.

If you could grow up to be like anybody, who would it be?

I don’t believe in having role models. I just want to be the best version of myself.

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?

My mental health could be mental healthier.

What's your favorite inspirational/famous quote? I don’t depend on these either. Describe your dream ice cream sundae (unlimited toppings): Meh, I don’t like sundaes. Just scoops would be fine with me. What comes to mind first when you think of your favorite color? I have no idea why this is what I remember, but it was the day I went shopping for school supplies and got myself a pink clipboard, pink pencil case, pink expander, and pink highlighters. I think it’s because it was that day where I had to acknowledge that pink was in fact, unironically, my favorite color HAHAHA What's something in your life that you once hated but came to like? ^ The color pink. And chicken curry. What's something in your life that you once liked but came to hate? Cooked salmon. There was one phase my mom made it almost everyday and I just got sick of it. I refuse to eat salmon to this day unless it’s sashimi or in sushi. If you could stop any chaos/problem in our world today, what would it be? This fucking pandemic. 2020 CAN’T CONTINUE BECAUSE OF YOU. What would be the best way to die, in your opinion? Peacefully, in sleep, with no pain. What would be the worst way to die? Falling off a cliff (or anywhere high) and landing on a boulder EUGH I cringe at it. Also getting impaled. AND plane crashes. If you could give your room a free makeover, what would you do to it? I’d make it look spacier by moving the bed to the wall so there’s a lot of free space in the middle. I’d also add a desk, work chair, and a lamp so I can study there. If you could have an unlimited amount of anything, what would it be? The number of years my dog would live. What's one thing that you like that would probably surprise your friends? They know I like punk rock in general but I haven’t shared any of the music with them. It would definitely surprise them. Out of everything in the world, what holds the most meaning to you? Stability.

[godareuthere]

coming out to dad; 

TO: Geoffrey

FROM: Elijah -Hey Dad, I hope everything is well! I’m sorry I didn’t call this week, I’ve just been really busy with work and I had a couple assignments due this week so it’s been crazy. It’s starting to settle down now though, which is a bit of a relief. How are you, how is everyone?

I’ve been texting with Tahlia a bit this week, she went back to school this week right? That’s exciting! I’ve been thinking about being in that kind of school at that age a lot recently, and I miss some parts of it. I hope she’s enjoying it. I also got a text from Piper but I haven’t replied just yet, which I know I tend to be slow with that and I hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way. I get worried sometimes that maybe it seems like I’m wanting to have a family relationship with you and Tahlia, but not Piper and their mum and I get stressed that it might seem that way because you and Tahlia are related to me by blood and the others aren’t. But that isn’t it. I think I obviously try to communicate with you a lot cause you’re my dad and I’m so glad to finally have you back-I sometimes feel like I have to make up for lost time. And Tahlia, sometimes it honestly does freak me out a little bit. Like, the idea of having a little sister. I guess when people get one of those they usually are more prepared and they experience it and get to know them since they were a baby. I still sometimes wonder if I really even know what to do or how to talk to a kid like that, but it seems easier cause things maybe aren’t as deep talking to her. She seems excited a lot, and will just text me a lot about school or a lot of questions that make me laugh. But when it comes to like, Piper. It’s just a lot. I guess it's a lot easier to joke or talk lightly with someone younger than it is to talk to Piper. And it’s not that I feel like things can’t be light or funny or happy with her, I think things just run a little deeper when it’s two adults who are trying to connect on a sibling level without really knowing each other. I think at first I was scared she wouldn’t even want to. Cause we aren’t related by blood and maybe she thought like she already has a step dad and a half sister like does she really need another sibling that isn’t even really attached to her? But it seems like she does want to talk, I think she makes more of an effort with me. I think I’m just nervous. I’d love to know her better, to be closer to all of you. But maybe I went so quickly from being upset and mad to excited and wanting to be closer that I overwhelmed myself. I was going to ask you to tell her that I do wanna be talking to her and I’m sorry I’m quieter with it, but maybe that’s something I should be explaining myself huh? I just really don’t wanna get so close with you and Tahlia and have this weird underlying line between their mum and Piper and me, cause I do want them in my life too. Maybe this is normal, the way things are going at the moment. I’m not really sure. But anyways, I shouldn’t just be dragging on about that maybe. I wanna hear about your week! And what everyone is up to, all of that stuff!! I have to go right now cause Theodore is whining at the door but I’ll call you sometime soon, okay? -Elijah

TO: Elijah FROM: Geoffrey -Elijah! I don’t think seeing your name appear on my screen will ever grow old. Don’t worry, I know you’re busy and you’re hard at work over there. I’m glad you’re working and getting yourself an education but you have to make sure you’re not sending yourself into overdrive. 

It makes me so happy to hear you and Tahlia talk, although I won’t lie I did maybe already know that. Tahlia talks about you a lot, I thought the novelty of having you in her life would wear off at least a little but she rambles about allll the stuff you guys talk about at dinner and she’s always showing me pictures you’ve posted. She desperately wants to meet your dog, Elijah. Moreso than you I think! Hearing you and Piper making any effort to connect is also a blessing. I don’t doubt things must be odd for the both of you. But Elijah, don’t send yourself into stress over it. You grew up an only child your whole life-and now you’ve got a younger and an older sister. It’s something to adjust to. Piper is wonderful, I’m so thankful to have her in my own life and thankful she calls me her family. I’m sure you both will get to that point as well, you both seem to want it. But you’re allowed time to settle into it, don’t rush it. I know you went a long time with just your mum, and then probably feeling on your own for a while, so I understand the excitement about having these new family things. But despite the time missed, we have so much time ahead of us. So take your time. I know you don’t want to talk about it all that much yet, but you told me you and your mother had some quieter patches after you moved out. And even though I’m glad you’re talking to all of us now, and we can reach out to you, have you got people over with you Elijah? You talk about your job and so I know you have coworkers and the sorts, but do you have people close to you? Friends, a girlfriend? I’m sure you would have told me if you were married already, but do you have someone? It makes me upset to imagine you alone out there, especially when things between you and your mum weren’t as back and forth. As for us, we’re doing really great! As great as we can, that is. Thankful to be affected minimally by all this Coronavirus stuff. It’s pretty scary, but doesn’t seem even as remotely as scary as how it’s raging on elsewhere. Keep safe with it. Tahlia is back at school, yes, and she’s doing well! I’m not sure if she’s told you yet, but she got to choose some of her classes this year and she made some predictable choices. But it stood out to us that she chose a media class as she never really seemed interested in that. We asked her about it, and she didn’t say much at all but did let on that she got to work with cameras in the class. She hasn’t had that kind of interest before, and I wonder if this is new and influenced by you. Has she spoken to you about it? Anyhow, it’s getting late so I best leave it at this for now. If I don’t hear from you in the next couple of days, I’ll give you a call myself. Lots of love, Dad

TO: Geoffrey FROM: Elijah -Sorry I haven’t called yet!! I’m going to tomorrow, I promise. The timezones just haven’t been lining up with when I’m up and able to call lately. Hahahaha, of course Tahlia loves my dog more than me. I’d believe it! He’s pretty sweet. I actually have a couple more, I have photos of them posted too. Theodore just spends a lot of time with me so he pops up in pictures more often. I’ll have to show her the other two as well. I also didn’t really know Tahlia talked about me that much at all. It’s weird, I’ll be honest Dad. I still sometimes get like, a little freaked out by it-having a little sister I mean. But it makes me really happy, I am liking it a lot.

I am thankful for what you said about not rushing it, and having time to let things happen. I think that’s really true, and you knew exactly how I’m feeling. I think I get caught up with lost time, not even just with you and mum and everything. But sometimes I get upset about the time I wasted not doing the schooling I’m doing now cause I could have been ahead on the path I’m on, or sometimes it’s smaller like time waster when I just don’t use my day to do anything productive. Time wasted not spending my days with the person or I guess people I wanna be around. I am excited for my relationship with everyone to be really good, and close I hope, but I need to focus less on the time it takes. Mum and I did have quieter patches I guess you can call them haha, yeah. I guess you don’t really know the extent of it. We didn’t talk for a couple years. Which, that sucked a lot-not having either of you. But she isn’t to blame, it was definitely mutual and I’m stubborn so I could have made it better sooner if I’d really tried. I’m just relieved to have you both back.

You’re right, if I was married I would have let it out by now. I’m not currently in a relationship, no. It’s a complicated thing and it’s actually the reason I wanted to write to you tonight before calling you tomorrow cause I guess it’s easier for me to say things this way. I was in a relationship that started in 2018 and then ended towards the end of 2019.  But we’re talking again and I really see myself back in this relationship in the future, it’s the person I’d like to eventually marry and settle down with. It’s exciting to feel like I’ve already met that person, but like I said it’s complicated cause we split or-well-I left, really. I don’t really know if I wanna talk a whole lot on that right part of it now, mostly cause it just makes me really sad. I regret a lot about it. But I’m so happy to be talking again and still seeing that relationship in my future.

I’m really excited for this pandemic to end, for so many reasons but to meet the girls and see you and mum and all of that. It doesn’t even seem like that’s really gonna happen right now-I guess cause it’s probably still far away. But I’m also excited for everything to just be at least kinda normal again, safer. I’m staying safe out here! And you should be safe there, too. Even if things aren’t as crazy it’s still dangerous and you still have to take it seriously. Tahlia hasn’t told me about that class, no. You think she’d choose that cause of me? I don’t know, that’s a big decision when you’re that age. I can’t imagine making it based on someone you haven’t like met yet or even known that long really. But I think it’s really cool, and I’m gonna ask her a lot about it. I was sitting here ready to send this email for a while but I’ve decided to add this cause I want to and I feel like I should be able to. And cause any time I’ve told you something small about me or my life you send lots of questions so I know that this is inevitable anyways. His name is Ian, the boy I’m talking to and was with. He’s actually the one I have the other two dogs with-their names are Poppy and Sonny-and they live with him, that’s why Theo is with me more. That’s just how it worked out when things ended. But I met him in 2018 and we clicked really fast. He’s a lot of things, but he’s an artist-a musician. He’s so cool, dad, I can’t even explain. He’s my favourite person and I really hope things work out with him. And I’d really like to tell you more about him and about us maybe but I guess first I just want to tell you that he is a guy and I am gay. 

I hope things are good still and that you receive this as well as my other emails. Love you. -Elijah

TO: Elijah FROM: Geoffrey -I missed your call today Elijah! And by the time I was calling back, it was so late there. I’m sorry, I’ll try again in the morning which means we should be talking soon-so I’ll make this short. Sometimes I read your emails with or to Alice-I should perhaps have asked you before I started doing that. If that isn’t okay or if there’s ever an email you’d like to be private please let me know and I’ll keep it that way. You are such a joy to hear from, I just have to share it with her sometimes. It is unreal, being able to sit at the dining table and read letters from my son to my wife. I’m so glad we’re at a time where we can do that. But reading your email to her, I got quite emotional. I hadn’t realised you and your mother had been non-contact like that and I apologise for you being alone during that time. But I was relieved to hear you had had somebody. Of course, as you predicted, I had and still have so many questions. I understand you’re apart now but you see yourself back together and I hope that that works out for you Elijah. I’ll bombard you with questions tomorrow but Alice told me it was important to let you know as soon as I could how I felt specifically about you telling me that you’re gay-that leaving you unanswered might scare or upset you. Elijah, I am overjoyed that not only have you found the person you want to spend your life with but that I am lucky enough to get to hear about it. Both because I sometimes thought I’d never hear from you again, so reading you talk about something as big as the person you want to settle down with feels surreal, but also because you feel like you can trust me enough to and want to talk about those kinds of things. Also, because finding that kind of connection to someone is so life changing and although it sounds like things are complicated-I’m so happy to hear you feel you’ve found that. And that is all your email brought me. Happiness, relief, excitement, moved, luck. Elijah, I do not care that you are gay. I care that you’ve found someone who you want to be with and who must make you happy, not that that someone is another boy. The biggest shock that came to me was that my little Elijah who I last saw as a kid playing make believe is now at a stage where he sees himself settling down and marrying someone. Not that the person he wants that with is a man. 

Thank you for telling me, although this changes nothing except for how close I feel I am to you (a positive change), I do understand this may have been scary or hard to send. Again, I deeply apologise if I should not have read any of these emails with Alice but especially one that is so personal. I’m unsure if you’re comfortable with people knowing-but please hear that we both love and support you. I’ll call you in the morning. Love Dad.

_____________________________ Elijah had woken in the middle of his sleep, and had gotten out of bed to use the bathroom and get a glass of water. Settling back into his spot, he checked his phone to catch the time. Noticing a missed call and email from his dad, he opened the digital letter. He read it with half open eyes, not fully awake. Of course, his eyes widened some and he woke up properly when his dad began writing vaguely about Elijah’s relationship situation. As he woke up more, he remembered exactly what his dad was replying to, and frowned with worry as he read on. He had had zero idea on how his dad would feel or react, but had decided the early he could be himself as he was around his family-the better. The relief that washed over him as he continued reading felt as though it was a real, physical wave that had overtaken his bed. His expression softened and he relaxed back into his laying position. He wasn’t aware of the tears that were slowly seeping out until he felt the small wet patch on his pillow, and he wiped them away quickly though a grin found its way to his face. Things with Ian were confusing, and nerve wracking at times. Although he had so much love for Ian, and genuinely saw them together in the future, they weren’t always smooth sailing. The last thing he’d wanted was additional emotion or confusion contributed by a lack of acceptance on his father, especially after spending years thinking his mother didn’t accept him. But oh my god, he did accept him. He didn’t even care. He wanted to hear about Ian! He read the email over again, wiping the last of his tears, before closing it and opening Ian’s contact instead. He sent the boy a text, letting him know he missed him and he hoped he was sleeping well. He fell back asleep with his grin still on his face, phone in hand.

[elle-stevens]

Against the odds, I made it out of China without exhibiting any symptoms of the novel coronavirus.

Someone up there likes me a lot.

Now I’m home on holiday and enjoying time spent with my family, friends, binging Showmax and Netflix and daydreaming about Ariana Grande.

It hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns though.

My job situation going back to China is still uncertain thanks to the viral outbreak happening there. And my work visa runs out at the end of the month. I finally told my new boss that she has to honour the contract we both signed and continue with processing my work permit like she was meant to the entire time.

So we’ll see what happens on that front.

I’m finding that I care less and less about what happens from here on out.

I’m oddly resigned and content about where my life is at these days.

I’ve never felt more free and nonchalant about the future.

Don’t get me wrong, I am worried and stressed.

But for the first time in my life, it feels like everything’s laid out before me and I just intrinsically know that everything will work out the way it’s meant to somehow.

I still have things to sort out while I’m home and people I want to spend time with. Hopefully I’ll get to do it all in 3 weeks before reality kicks in again.

Oh joy.

I had a disconcerting dream about X last night.

I’m not sure where it stemmed from. But all of a sudden, other people in my dream were telling me that X still loved me and wanted me back. I think even X said something similar in text messages she’d sent me.

It was fucking weird and had my brain in a tizzy in the dream. I found myself doing an emo walking montage through the streets in my neighborhood, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with this brand new information.

There was a part of me that felt guinely torn about what to do. I actually felt that way because I knew I still loved her in the dream.

That’s when it finally hit me:

X hurt me.

She lied to me, on several occasions and without hesitation either.

She cut me off emotionally and even physically whenever it suited her.

She always ran away from conflict and never engaged with me whenever we fought.

Whenever I had genuine struggles in my life, she was incapable of offering any real comfort or guidance.

She had no trouble taking from me and not giving enough of herself.

Why on Earth would I want someone like this in my life?

It was completely absurd.

Once that realization occurred to me, I didn’t feel so torn anymore.

That’s when I woke up.

I still felt a bit weird about it after I woke up. But then I just zoned out and started fantasizing about Ariana while my mom and I went to the Traffic Department to renew our drivers’ licences.

It’s nice being able to spend time with my mom in small doses, she’s less annoying that way. I like staying at G’s apartment even more, P’s bed in the second room is super comfortable!

I’ve been trying to do some writing for an old Kpop fanfic I started nearly 7 years ago, but it’s going slowly. I’ve still got Ari on the brain in a big way.

I felt kinda bummed about Ari on Saturday while stressing about my Chinese work visa stuff. So I cheered myself up by writing her a love letter.

It felt good putting all of my feelings into a letter. It helped to unclog my lonely heart in some ways, so I feel better now.

It is what it is, just a dumb celebrity crush.

I don’t know if it’s helping me move on from X or keeping me from moving on from X.

But for now, it’s keeping me buoyant and happy.

I don’t really miss my apartment in China. It’s nice bumming at G’s place and being in my home town again. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed home after all this time.

A part of me thinks it would be nice to just say ‘fuck it!’ and come home now. But I haven’t saved enough cash to come home and even look for my own place. So all I can do is hope that things work out with a job back in China and I can stay there one more year and save up some money for the future.

As fun as it is perving on Ariana Grande and even imagining what it would be like to fool around with her and even be in a romantic relationship with her, I know I’m not ready for that level of commitment in my reality.

I finally told CH last week that I don’t want to fool around with him anymore and just be friends. I was relieved when he said he was cool with it. We haven’t really spoken much since then, but not because I’m avoiding him. I’m just enjoying my ‘me time’ I guess. But I’ll text him more tomorrow and check in.

I napped earlier, so I’m probably gonna be up pretty late tonight. I probably won’t write much, but just indulge in my ‘Ariana’ time which consists of watching videos of her on YouTube or consuming fan fictions about her.

It’s weird how much I look forward to my ‘Ariana Time’ these days. She lit a fire inside of me and it’s heating up my senses.

This may be the best version of falling in love for me.

[elle-stevens]

It’s been 12 days since I last blogged about X and life in general.

I think I may be moving beyond this blog finally.

That doesn’t mean I’m over X though.

Granted, it’s getting close to six months since I told her to beat it and take the scenic route.

I still think about her sometimes, and often on a gangrenous loop.

I’m at the airport now and of course that makes me think of trips I took in the past to be with X to make our long distance relationship a little less, well...distant.

It was always me going the extra mile for our relationship. I was the one who was willing to risk everything, including my relationship with my family, for X.

And it was all complete bupkis.

I guess I’m still kind of bitter towards X despite my best intentions.

I hope my feelings will become less conflicted where she’s concerned.

It hasn’t been all bad though.

Well...it’s been pretty bad for the world in general with this lovely coronavirus outbreak.

It has not been fun being trapped in my apartment and going outside in a face mask and gloves when it was absolutely necessary.

Or going outside to stop myself from getting cabin ever.

Yeah, that happened a lot.

I’m not good at being alone with my thoughts indefinitely.

That’s probably what exacerbated my already ambivalent feelings towards X.

Such fun times.

It’s been so fun that my work visa processes got delayed before they even started. And all because every educational insituation in China has pretty much shut down indefinitely because of the coronavirus outbreak. Which means I don’t yet have a new job waiting for me.

And I just extended the lease on my apartment in China, which I did in good faith.

So I kinda need to have some revenue coming in if I’m going to pay rent next month...

Hence why I’m at the airport. I’m finally going home to see my family. There’s no way in hell I’m staying in China right now when my life is literally in danger.

In hindsight, I should’ve just given China and everyone who gave me bad advice about my visa process a big old ‘fuck you - later, bitches!’ a month ago and just gone home like I planned.

Instead, I spent close to 15,000 RMB on booking flights and then changing them multiple times to accommodate everyone else.

From now on, I’m not going to bother planning ahead with anything anymore.

It’s like that old maxim: ‘Life happens when you’re busy making other plans.’

I’m trying not to stress about the fact that my Chinese work visa will run out next month. All I can do is hope and pray that God points me in the right direction and that I actually listen to his guidance.

I have to believe that everything will work out the way it’s meant to. And if I end up coming back home this year instead of next year, so be it.

I’m kind of resolved either way: whether I stay in China another year or go back home.

That is kind of the beauty of X breaking my heart six months ago.

She’s stopped me from getting too attached to things and people. So it makes it easier to cut the cords when it’s time for me to leave and walk on a different path.

For now, I’m really excited to go home and see my family with an extra week under my belt. It’ll be nice to get my pay cheque tomorrow, so I’ll at least have a little cash during my vacation.

I’ve been writing up a storm lately and it’s all thanks to Ariana Grande. I finished my Cat and Robbie story and even wrote a tiny little Cat and Tori drabble on Friday night.

I’m getting used to this unexpected celebrity infatuation.

It’s easier than having real feelings for someone.

I know it’s not love.

And yet, I love the idea of falling more in love with my own fantasy of Ariana/Cat and me.

It feeds my creative hunger and it keeps me bouyant during the long and uncertain days that reality is offering me lately

I know the fantasy can’t last forever.

Eventually, I’ll run out of steam and go back to fantasizing about Ariana from a safer and saner distance.

She’ll probably get replaced by someone else who’s just as alluring, if not more.

I’m trying not to think too hard about it.

We all cope in different ways with heartache and loneliness.

If it keeps me occupied and writing more than I’ve written in a year, then Ariana can drive me a little crazier with every minute that goes by.

Just 4 more hours before I get on my final flight to go home. I brought a hard copy of ‘Big Little Lies’, my sleeping mask and my sleep supplements with so I can get some decent rest on the plane.

I started watching the new ‘Charlie’s Angels’ movie on my earlier flight. I’m starting to think that I like Naomi Scott too - she a damn snacc...

I hope my friends who are still in my city will be ok and safe in the coming weeks.

It might be hard for me to come back to China in a few weeks because of the coronavirus. But I’m gonna take it one day at a time and enjoy my time with my family.

I’ve missed them so much, especially my siblings, ever since I broke up with X.

One of my cousins is getting married and another cousin is 7 months pregnant. So I’ve got to do some shopping for them while I’m home.

I’ve been out of the loop with so much stuff lately. It’s time to reconnect with the people I love again.

Weirdly enough, a small part of me hopes that X will be ok and safe during this coronavirus hysteria.

Then again, her dumb ass has been known to swim in dirty ocean water and give herself weird rashes, so there’s probably not much hope there.

Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about crushing out on a sexy dumbass like Cat Valentine...

The worst thing that happened to her was getting a butterfly stuck in her ear in an episode of Victorious.

Seriously, how did that happen to Cat???

I guess the butterfly likes her ears more than I do, lol.

Maybe that’s just my type: pretty but dumb.

Or I’m just easily swayed by a pretty face.

Yes, I think romantic fantasies are the best forms of love for me right now.