#wasnt it luck enough i made it this far without having my share of fucked up things life offers to every single person??????

[spootiliousrps]

Suspicious Nature Part 16 [End]

[Start] // [Previous] // 

Dean sobbed as he lent against the mantelpiece. He had ruined his relationship with his mother all those years ago, and now he had ruined his relationship with Cas. After a long while he stood headed out of his office towards Sam’s quarters.

Cas tried to blink away tears before facing the guards outsides but without much luck. He held his head up high however, until he managed to get to Gabriel’s quarters, Celeste completely forgotten as he practically collapsed onto the other Omega’s bed sobbing uncontrollably.

Dean knocked are Sam’s door ignoring his bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. 

Gabriel frowned as he came into his room, for his lunch hour. “Cassie?” He asked softly. He sat on the bed and rested a hand on Cas’ shoulders.

It took a few minutes before Sam pulled open the door and paused at the sight of his brother. It took him a minute before he stepped forward and gave the King a large hug and pat on the back. “Come on, I’ll pour you a drink.” He offered, leading him into the room. 

“I’m okay Gabe.” Cas mumbled softly, burying his face in his pillow. “I just need a little bit.” 

Dean nodded, following Sam into the room. “How’s Meg? How’s Emma?” He asked, his heart not in it. 

“Of course you’re okay.” Gabriel tutted, “you’ll say that on your deathbed. What’s wrong?”

“Meg is great… Emma is bigger than ever.” He replied simply, moving to sit his brother down in a chair before pressing a glass of whiskey in his hand. “What happen?” He asked without hesitation.

“Probably.” Cas chuckled weakly. He hesitated a moment before giving a shaky breath. “Dean and I… ended it.” 

“I’m going to resign. You’ll be King. You’ll be better, kinder, fairer.” Dean whispered as he downed the whiskey. 

“He wasn’t good for you. You’re better off without him.” Gabriel said, gently.

Sam arched a brow at that, pouring himself his own glass. “Is that so?” He asked simply before moving to sink into the chair across him. “And if I refuse?” 

“Maybe.” He mumbled softly. “Then again, I’m pretty sure he’s better off without me as well.” He sighed. 

“Then it goes to Emma.” Dean shrugged. “That’s not my problem.”

“Precisely, come on Cassie, no Omega finds their /one/ on the first go round.” Gabriel smiled. “There’s plenty more Alphas and Betas out there.”

Sam pinned him with another flat stare. “Dean…” Sam sighed. “What is this really about? I know its not about the throne.” He pointed out before pausing. “Its that Omega isn’t it… Castiel?” He asked. “Gabriel…” Cas grumbled. “I didn’t want an Alpha before and I don’t want one now. Dean was an exception.”

Dean shrugged. “100 percent of the Omegas I get close to. I hurt. Cas, mom.” He shrugged as tears welled in his eyes. “If that’s the failure rate then how am I suppose to care for a whole Kingdom’s worth of Omegas?” Dean asked.

“Then there you go, everything’s fine.” Gabriel smiled. “You didn’t want an Alpha, and you don’t have one. Come on, let’s have lunch and forget all about him.”

Sam set his drink down, watching his brother carefully. “Mom wasn’t your fault Dean.” He pointed out. “And I don’t know what happened with Cas but… Just because you having dating problems doesn’t make you any less of a good ruler.” He pointed out. “You don’t need an Omega to take care of others. You didn’t have one when you practically raised me on your own and you started a hell of a lot younger than you are now.” He pointed out.

“I’ve had lunch. I’m not hungry.” Cas mumbled, the teasing comforting a bit but far outweighed by his self loathing. 

Dean sighed and shook his head. “I still hurt mom Sam. You’ve heard the stories. No one who treats their family like that should be King.” He shrugged as he stared down into his empty glass. “But I thought I would be better now I’m an adult, but I’m not. I still wasn’t the best when I brought you up, I hurt you, I probably forgot so many things.” 

“Well then you’re grand. Why don’t you go down to the training yard? Help out a bit.” Gabriel suggested. “The fresh air will do you good as well as teaching.”

 "So you made some mistakes... we all do, Dean." Sam shrugged. "Its part of being human. Dad made you do those things to her. It wasnt you. And I'd say you did pretty damn good with me..." He pointer out. "The best thing we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on, better ourselves. Whatever happened with Cas... He's one Omega Dean... Hes not the Kingdom." 

"Why? So they can treat me like the fragile Omega they see me as now? Call Dean as soon as they see me out alone like he's suppose to be my keeper?" Cas scoffed. "I dont understand how they can treat me so different, like some sort of flower, just because I wasnt born a certain way. I'm still the same man who has commanded them for all these years."

 “Sam, all the Omegas I’ve got close to, I’ve hurt. What does that say about me?” Dean shook his head. “How can I lead a Kingdom when I have a track record of hurting half the populous?” Dean asked. 

“They treated yourself like that because you had torn open the wound on your shoulder. That little new soldier, did he treat you like you were weak?” Gabriel asked. “And when have you ever stopped and let the other person win? Go and show them your not fragile.” Gabriel tutted as he started to eat.

 "Dean... you're hurt... its understandable. But in all honesty, you're being a little over dramatic." He admitted. "You havent hurt every Omega. What about the ones you end up sharing heat with? Or the ones that work for you? Or Meg?" He pointed out. 

Cas rolled his eyes turning over to curl into the blankets fully. "Just leave me be. I'm just need some rest and time to think. I'm probably out of job now." He sighed.

“Those Omegas I never learnt the names of? Meg, who I’ve never been in the same room with, without you or Emma there? The ones I work with, that it nothing but professional?” Dean asked. “Ask Cas, I’m a fuck up, Sam. I’m not good enough to be King.”

 “You’re in my bed, that’s going to be quite hard to do, especially when you’ve taken all the blankets.” Gabriel chuckled.

Sam considered it a moment. “Maybe I should.” He offered with a shrug. “Ask Cas I mean. See what he has to say.” Sam challenged. 

 Cas gave a grunt obviously not willing to budge. “You can have my quarters. I don’t like them anyways.” He grumbled, obviously sulking like a child.

“By all means. Go for it.” Dean huffed, as he stood and went to get another drink. “It’s not like he likes me.”

Gabriel shook his head. “By the time I’ve finished work, you’d better have budged up.” He huffed as he finished his food and carried his tray out, going back to work.

Sam arched a brow at that. “The guy has been locked in a room with you for a full week and is still willing to talk to you… Meg and I get on each others nerves after just a few hours and she doesn’t talk to me for days. You must have done something right.” He pointed out. “Will it make you feel better if I do?” He asked already standing up as if to do just that.

“You can’t make me.” Cas grumbled childishly.

“He had no choice, he would have left if he wasn’t in the middle of a massive heat, and infected.” Dean huffed. “You can talk to him, but it won’t make any difference. And just to warn you, if you do speak with him, he jokes. A lot.” Dean said, rubbing his scarred ribs.

Gabriel tutted and shook his head as he left.

 Sam gave a small snort at that. “I’m sure he can’t be any worse than his brother.” He mused likely before his smile faded. “Dean… Dad’s gone… and despite what he taught us… Its okay to be happy… It’s okay to joke and laugh… It really can be a good thing.” He offered, moving to his brother’s side and placing a hand on the man’s shoulder. “I’ll pay Cas a visit… Will you be here when I get back?” He asked softly.

“You know it’s not like that Sammy. You know that things aren’t just instantly better once our father died. I can’t just be happy and have fun.” Dean shrugged and sighed, “but yes, I’ll still be here. Is Meg and Emma here too? Can I say hello to my niece?”

“I know Dean.” Sam sighed, looking torn. “But its something to work towards.” He offered before nodding. “Emma should be waking from her nap soon. Meg is in the nursery with her if you want to stop in. I’ll be back shortly.”

Dean nodded. He downed his drink before knocking gently on the nursery door, as to not wake Emma.

It was a moment before Meg pulled open the door, the glare she had softening almost immediately at the sight of the elder Winchester. “Dean.” She greeted with a small smile, voice a hushed whisper. “What are you doing here? Come in. I was just about to wake Emma.” 

“It’s good to see you too.” Dean whispered. “I was just speaking with Sammy, I thought maybe I could meet my favourite niece.” He smiled softly. He stepped into the room, trying to wipe away the puffiness of his eyes. 

Sammy knocked on Gabriel’s door, hoping that it would just be Cas alone.

“Sure. I’m sure she’d be excited to see you. Would you like to wake her, or should I?” Meg asked.

Cas lay there for a moment after the knock sounded, debating on whether or not to get up. When the second knock sounded he gave a huff and pushed to his feet, storming to yank open the door. “Whatever it is-” He began before his gaze caught on the taller man and he tensed, eyes wide before falling into a deep bow. “Prince Sam.” He greeted respectfully. “I apologize I hadn’t realized…” He rushed, trailing off a bit.

Dean hummed, “do you mind if I do? Is there anything you do to help her wake up?” He asked softly as he stepped over to the cot. 

Sam pushed into the room. “You hadn’t realised we needed to talk? About my brother?” He asked, as he sat on a stool. “You hadn’t realised that whatever’s happened between the two of you, has made him threaten to quit?”

“I usually rub her back gently, she likes that.” Meg reassured.

“I hadn’t realized it was you.” Cas clarified, briefly wondering if aggression and lack of manner was a family trait or if Cas was just a magnet for assholes. He moved to sit on the bed. “Forgive me, Your Majesty, I mean no disrespect but Dean and I came to a mutual agreement that our courtship should end. I don’t understand.” He admitted, worried that Sam was going to try and force him back into the relationship ‘for the good of the kingdom’. Cas was emotionally and physically exhausted. He was tired of being /forced/ into everything as if he were supposed to sacrifice every single shred of dignity or hope or pride to bend to the will of the King. Well he refused! He would not be told what to do any longer! If it got him killed so be it! He was tired of playing this game! He would not be forced into submission just because Dean thought it was necessary. He deserved to be happy as well and would not be the equivalent to a slave. 

Dean smiled as he gently rubbed Emma’s back. He slowly picked her up, and held her close to his chest as he continued to rub her back. “Hey Princess Emma. Wake up for uncle Dean.” He cooed softly. 

“It doesn’t look very mutual.” Sam hummed. “My brother doesn’t come to me often but when he does I know it’s something serious. He told me that the two Omega that he’s been close to in his life, you and his mother, he hurt. He’s hurt badly. He’s saying that that is justification for him to resign from being our King. He’s extrapolating it out to meaning that he won’t be able to care for half the populous.” Sam explained.

Emma gave a hum at the touch before blinking her eyes open slowly. At the sound of her uncle’s voice however she pulled back into a large grin before wrapping her arms around the King. “DD!” She cried excitedly, using the man’s nickname. 

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose at the words, trying to calm himself. “That is not my fault.” He pointed out. “And just because it doesn’t look like it was mutual. It was. He’s not the only one hurting.” He pointed out. “He is the only Alpha I have ever loved or chosen to share a heat with. I understand that his feelings, his problems are important I want to help. I love him. But I will not allow my own to be ignored just because he has a title and I do not.” He offered calmly. “He hates my sense of humor. A large part of my personality that I cannot change. I can’t help that. He basically told me that if I can’t change /who I am/ then we can not be together.” He clarified. “So… we can’t be together.” Cas shrugged, though the pain and tears were obvious. “I don’t understand why he thinks that that makes him a bad King. Dean is one of the most caring people I have ever met. He wants to do good in this Kingdom and for some reason, he thinks I have to marry him for that to happen. The truth is, he doesn’t need me. He doesn’t need any Omega. He is a brave and courageous man. He will change the world if he would just let himself. He is the best man I’ve ever known which will make him a fantastic King.” Cas praised before shaking his head and giving a small sad laugh. “Of course he tells me I’m a know it all and need to remember my place.” He mumbled. “So, perhaps I should clarify. This is all my opinion. I don’t know anything about ruling a Kingdom so maybe I’m wrong…. According to him thats usually the case.” He mused before pausing. “And that was a joke to try and hide how much it hurts. He also says I hide behind humor too much.” 

“Emma.” Dean smiled happily, hugging her back. “Did you have a good sleep? Did you dream?” He asked softly. 

“In certain psychological circles, there’s a thing called a ‘trigger’. These triggers bring back awful, awful memories. For some a certain food is the trigger, for others it’s the mention of rape. For my brother it’s jokes. I’m sure you saw those scars on his ribs. That’s not just five jokes he’s made in his lifetime. Each scar represents twenty or even thirty times he made a joke and was beaten.” Sam explained. “You say that jokes are apart of who you are, but not having jokes is apart of Dean. Every time you tell a joke or tease or do something funny, you are triggering him. This goes for everyone. From you and your brother, to my daughter. But he tries to put up with it for love. Because he loves.” Sam explained. “He thinks that you should marry him, because you make him a better person, a better King. He knows that the two of you are compatible and will lift each other up to even more greatness. To use something that Dean loves; Dean is like the pastry of a pie, nice on its own, but you are like the filling, you make everything taste better. You make him better.” Sam shrugged. “If you want to mope around here, then be my guest, but I expect you to call me King next time we meet, for I can’t get Dean to stay being the King without you.” Sam explained.

“I think so…” Emma mumbled but didn’t give details. “Where have you been DD? You’ve been gone for so long! You never play with me anymore.” She pouted. 

Cas set his jaw at that. “I love Dean… and I want to make him a better person. I know about the scars.” He sighed. “Don’t you see though… Thats why we can’t work. The reaction is engrained in him, its part of who he is I would never ask him to change a fundamental part of his personality if he didn’t want to. My sense of humor is a part of me, its fundamental. My very existance triggers him and causes him pain. I can’t be blamed for existing, shouldn’t feel guilty for it. I don’t blame Dean. I’m not angry with him or hate him. No one should force him to change just as no one should force me. I want to help, I do… but Dean’s issues… they aren’t my own, I cannot be blamed for them, and as much as I would like to help,  I only make them worse when I am around. And I certainly will /not/ be with him just so that remains King. That is a horrible reason to base a relationship on, much less a marriage.” 

“I’ve been busy, Princess. But soon DD will have more time to play.” Dean smiled softly. “Is Princess Emma hungry?” He asked softly. 

“Aide Novak, do you think relationships are born perfect? Everyone has to change for the ones they love. Dean will have to change for you, you have to change for him. I’ve changed for my wife, she’s changed for me. Every relationship is about compromise. Nothing is born as beautiful as a flower in full bloom, not even the flower. You must work to make your relationship bloom, just like the flower.” Sam explained. “Some days, me and my wife, we don’t speak at all, we’re too angry or upset at each other, but that doesn’t mean we break up. We spend some time apart to relax and to think, before reconciling, and compromising. It can be over little things, such as Emma’s name, or larger things, such as how much time I spend with her and Emma. We compromise and adapt. I’ve told the same thing to my brother. But now you must choose whether you want to comprise and adapt for the person you love or let him slip through your fingers.” Sam explained.

“No.” Emma shook her head, curls bouncing. “Will you do one of the puzzles Daddy made for me?” She asked excitedly.

“/I/ need to compromise?” He scoffed. “I’d say I compromised and changed when I gave up my title as Knight Commander. I compromised when I sent Gabriel to the kitchens instead of having him by my side. I compromised when he threated to /kill/ my brother. I compromised when I agreed to play the role of his partner for the good of the Kingdom. I /compromised/ when I chose to forgive him for the literal Hell he has put me through! I will /not/ compromise my life away because that is not a compromise at all.” He clarified simply. “What has he compromised? Hm? /allowing/ me into his bed? Not killing me or my brother? Well… forgive me if I’m not groveling with gratitude. Don’t talk to me about compromise when you only have one side of the story. And before you threaten me like he does; I’ll save you the time and throw myself in dungeon.” He pointed out as he pushed to his feet. 

“What puzzles does daddy make, sweetheart?” Dean asked softly. 

“What has he compromised? He’s told you his weaknesses, that it took, until I was fifteen to hear. He’s trying to stop being triggered at jokes. He’s happily around you when even if you didn’t realise it, it’s a form of unimaginable pain. He’s given you a whole street, with as many Aides as you need to make a haven. He has given you Eve and Celeste to help you, who are both /Royal/ helpers, when you are not a Royal. He didn’t have to give you his body in your heat. He’s compromised his safety and his health, what more could you possible ask from a man?” Sam asked. “As for going to the dungeons, you’re not going anywhere near there, unless you’re going to speak with my brother.”

“I’ll show you!” She chirped excitedly before climbing down and pulling him towards the small table on the other side of the room. 

“As I have told him mine. It he were trying then why did he tell me that it wouldn’t work and broke it off? Being happy is /not/ a compromise; and I never asked for a street. It is /his/ dream to make a safe haven, not mine! I was happy as Knight Commander! That was /my/ dream. /I/ achieved it. He’s the one that ripped it apart. He can have the street, the aides all of it. As for my heat, I was content to go through it alone I wouldn’t even have had a heat if he didn’t force me into it. What could I ask? What could I ask? How about not forcing me every single fucking step of the way? If he love me, /me/, not this sick twisted idea of me he has in his head then he wouldn’t be expecting me to change EVERYTHING about myself. I sacrificed my dream, my title, my family, my identity, my pride, my respect, my trust, my happiness and my body for him and you and him still expect me to give more. He sacrificed his pride… forgive me if I don’t see that as even. I will not be bled dry so that he can pretend to be happy while I remain miserable; so don’t bother asking again. You want me to speak with your brother, fine. I’ll tell him the same thing I’ve told you; I can’t give any more. I’m sure that will go over well with him.” 

Dean smiled as he followed Emma to the table. He knelt on the floor beside the chair and helped Emma onto it. “You show me, princess. Let’s see if I can do the puzzle you make me.”

“He sacrificed his mental health for you. He sacrificed his work for you. He asked you to stop hurting his mental health, and you said no. Do you want him to go back to when mum died? He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t sleep, he wouldn’t do anything, because he had been forced to believe her death was his fault. He’s going that way now. He’s believing that he’s doing everything wrong. He’s already starting to stop work. Then he’ll stop bathing. Then sleeping, then eating. It happened before. He almost died, and he’s going to do it again. Now I’m not going to ask you to help or put it right. I’m just explaining the consequences of your actions. Now you can go to the dungeons if you wish, but it’s of your own free will. Just tell me, what should I say to Dean? That you love him but don’t care for his health? Tell me what I should say when I face him again, with my daughter by his side.” Sam asked.

[In mutual agreement this RP has ended. Sorry guys <3]

[julystorms]

i remember you saying erwin wasnt real guilty about the deaths of his comrades so i thought you might find his character monologue relevant as most of what he talks about is him feeling guitly and him naming the comrades who have lost their lifes

Thanks! 

YMMV ETC AND SO ON: THIS IS MY INTERPRETATION OF ERWIN’S CHARACTER PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I wouldn’t say he doesn’t feel guilty at all, or even that he doesn’t feel guilt on a general level because he basically tells us this himself:

But IMO what we’re meant to see in this scene is that his guilt comes second to his goals. Always. The focal point of the conversation isn’t: “Wow I feel shitty about what’s happened to these people who I’ve sent to their deaths” so much as, “HOLY SHIT WE ARE SO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH man I hope I can pay back my debt later.”

This gets a tad long so please read under the cut.

First, I want everyone to look at the definition:

I highlighted the two that mattered here, but a feeling of guilt is feeling responsible for a specified wrongdoing; in this case, that is sending people to their deaths.

Erwin definitely feels badly about what he’s done; there’s a lot in the canon that would point to that statement. For example, the above panels. See also: shortly before his death, the corpse pile and ghostly images surrounding him. He feels personally responsible for those people’s deaths.

What the diehard Erwin stans tend to forget about (selectively, I might add) is that the guilt Erwin feels doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Context is incredibly important to understanding his character.

In the end Erwin admits he wouldn’t have done anything differently. Even here, in the above scene, Levi is horrified to see that Erwin’s reaction to this revelation isn’t fear or horror or even some form of self-loathing--not just for sending people to their deaths, but for sending people to their deaths to fight against and kill other people. We might simply see this as war, but these characters have no real concept of war considering how their world is arranged for them. Anyway, rather than showing some kind of negative emotion at this reveal, Erwin gives us a slasher smile. He’s so close to his goal of learning the truth. This is a huge step toward that goal. His smile makes sense to us, the reader, because we later learn what his goal is and what has pushed him toward it. Levi doesn’t know. Erwin’s reaction is completely out of the blue; it’s kind of disgusting in context. 

Erwin is now a step closer to the truth. But that knowledge, and further knowledge...was acquired at a steep price.

And he knows that it will continue to come at the price of hundreds more lives. That is a price he’s willing to pay. Other people’s lives are a price he is willing to pay. And I’m not saying this from a narrative standpoint: this is something he says and feels himself. His goals are ALWAYS #1 to him. Even to the detriment of others and the loss of human life.

There’s no remorse, no regret. Look at him talking about paying the debt back in the afterlife, like these soldiers and his pals who died for him did him a solid by giving up their lives--like they borrowed his car hauler or shoveled snow off his sidewalk once instead of giving their lives for a cause they believed in--one that wasn’t exactly the cause Erwin is passionate about/fighting for.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Erwin is much more complex than that. I think he’s a great character, probably one of the best Isayama has given us. Think about his history, about how his goals--both to prove his father’s theory and to prove that he didn’t get him killed for nothing--consumed him, led him to do what he did to his father, almost, but this time purposefully, knowingly, to other people--people he was in a position of power over.

I don’t think Erwin is an irredeemable asshole. I don’t think he’s a villain. But I do think he’s manipulative and lacks empathy. He had to become that way, though. He had to, if he was ever going to learn anything. That was worth it to him. He wouldn’t do it differently. That doesn’t make him a selfless li’l angel saint of a man. It just makes him interesting. 

Look: Erwin is a tragic character, but it’s not because of his guilt, not because he manipulated people into joining a cause that isn’t entirely the one they believed they were fighting for. Erwin’s place as a tragic character has nothing to do with his death, nothing to do with the serumbowl, nothing to do with losing his arm or his fighting spirit or casting aside some of his humanity. 

Erwin is ambitious to an extreme degree.

And what makes him tragic is that he didn’t get that way all on his own. There was a catalyst. That catalyst was a mistake, made not by just Erwin, but by his father as well. The tragedy is that if Mr. Smith hadn’t told his son what he thought, if he’d just lied to him, if he’d tamped down the curiosity Erwin displayed about understanding the truth behind the discrepancies in the history books, Erwin might have ended up a very different person.

The tragedy is that one man sitting down to tell his son the truth as he suspected it to be changed the course of a lot of people’s lives. Some for better, some for worse. It’s hard to imagine the kind of person Erwin would have been if his father hadn’t died because of him. It really makes you think.

(I do think he’d have still been ambitious and motivated but I think in many ways he makes a decent parallel to Grisha who fandom views as a much worse person despite the two of them being scarily similar.)

But like I said, his guilt is guilt without remorse. He admits to his guilt, to feeling badly, but he’s saying that with every intention of continuing on with it. No regrets. It was worth it to him. Which some people hate because they think it makes him a giant asshole, but I think makes him interesting as a character. He’s a guy whose goals just happen to line up with the plot of the story (not the characters, at least not at first). He’s sacrificing lives for his own goals but those goals aren’t too far removed from what we as readers want to know about the world these characters live in; that makes it forgivable for a lot of readers. But think about the characters who don’t have that goal, about the people who exist in the world who are fighting for humanity’s sake who don’t realize what Erwin is up to, who just want to fight for what they already have instead of something more. Man, it’s deliciously complex and terrible and I LOVE IT. We rarely get characters like Erwin--characters who are “good guys” literally ONLY by virtue of their selfish goals aligning in part with that of the main characters/readers. 

I don’t want anyone to think I hate Erwin. I find him a fascinating character. He’s complex in the best of ways. I don’t see him as a selfless saint, as a virtuous man, as especially considerate or caring of other people. I see him as an ambitious and motivated man who will accomplish his goals by any means necessary, even if those means get other people killed--even if deep down he doesn’t like what those means have to be.

And the best part about Erwin’s character is that his goals were selfish because he couldn’t possibly have known the extent of what we, the readers, now know about the world he lived in. Levi’s comment in the above scene about the cost not being worth it... I mean, Levi’s right, but what we know now is that the fight was going to come to Paradis eventually, anyway, and if humanity had continued to cover in the walls as Levi wanted to do, they’d be completely boned. So Erwin sacrificed a lot of lives selfishly, never knowing if doing so would amount to anything, never knowing if people were dying for fuck-all...

But in the end perhaps it wasn’t all for nothing--even Erwin himself died so that the truth was discovered.

See, people want to say Erwin was selfless in the end by giving up his dream, but really I feel his dream was that the truth BE DISCOVERED and yeah, it would have been nice to see it for himself, to discover it for himself personally, but that wasn’t the goal. The goal was that everyone would know it. And in leading that charge he tried to ensure that at least a few people would learn it and share it--and expose the lies and bullshit that he probably didn’t understand fully but knew had to be going on/hoped would be uncovered. ‘Cause seeing the goal for himself wouldn’t mean a goddamn thing if he couldn’t return to his people to share it. In dying, other people would have a higher chance of being able to take it back. 

So that catalyst led a hell of a lot of people to their deaths--including Erwin himself. It’s interesting to think about. This is why Erwin in an AU never ever feels quite right to me. He’s ambitious as hell but there needs to be a catalyst of some kind to make him as ruthless and remorseless as he is in the canon; his situation made him that way. Take it away and he’s just an ambitious businessman or something doing hardcore negotiations. 

Anyway, the TL;DR here is: Erwin feels guilty; I would never dispute that. But he lacks remorse because he’s incapable of regretting what he’s done. I guess you could choose to hate him over that, but honestly it’s rare that we get interesting characters like Erwin--someone selfish and ambitious and motivated with a goal in mind that requires a lot of sacrifices, someone ruthless and yet SMART enough to do what it takes to get to a place where he can pursue the knowledge he seeks. Like damn. I don’t like what he’s done any more than I like what other similar characters have done, and I acknowledge that the sacrifices of others were made meaningful by sheer luck, but it doesn’t make the overall picture any less fascinating to me.

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....