#wateenleventje

[wateenleventje]

The Beginning of Us

I used to write fiction. Nothing really remarkable, yet I enjoy composing fictious character's life and tell how love can change our life. Maybe because I watch too much romantic comedy. When I finally stop writing these type of writing, is I think because it does not give much impact to my personal life, let alone to bigger audience.

I decided to write more based on my real personal experience or share my thought in a blog platform. It feels different, it feels more therapeutic because I can stop bottling up what is on my mind and how I actually feel. It is also nice to have pensieve (Harry Potter vocab alert)!

I sometimes miss the good old days when I soak myself in the story of love. No matter how cheesy the story is, I believe that every person's life worth a once in a lifetime story, especially their journey of finding love. That is why I love watching movie about love story (Earlier episode of The Crown with Elizabeth and Philip's story, Felicity Jones' The Theory of Everything, Sandra Bullock's The Proposal, Hilary Duff's Cinderella Story, Lily Colin's Love, Rosie., Lindsay Lohan's The Parent Trap, Emily Clarke's Me Before You are some of my favorite). I enjoy reading hundred of pages (oh well, thousand? I even guilty for reading the whole Twilight Saga series) of how people's life twisted once love came. I kept quotes of love advice, reading and listening to random podcast, videos and blog post about love story, and I even wrote scientific paper about Long Distance Relationship couple (for my bachelor's thesis).

I have to admit that I even perceive so many things in my life happening in a way of a romantic comedy writer works. As an intro I would summed up that we started off as two strangers meeting in a destined time. We came with our own baggage a.k.a history and current situation on-going, but we just gotta meet that night and get through the labyrinth first. Even the setting could not be anymore "hollywood-like": one night, in a new city, simple hello and cheesy line, and we instantly hit if off. 

One thing lead to another, we did not just related, but we keep in touch regularly after that night. It was a memorable night and I was enchanted by him. However, it was on hold shortly after he casually mentioned about his current relationship and became supportive to my situation that time. I was not in my best state at that time, as I took so many careless choices and not focusing on what really matters in life and in love. I think, it was because I was 23 and living on the edge seems like a celebration of getting “my freedom”. 

Even when we became busy with our own circle, our own love life, and our routine, we maintain our close friendship. We came to each other naturally but carefully refraining ourselves from diving in real feeling. I somehow sense that I messed up a little too much and with him I just found a safe haven. I became so comfortable showing my actual thought and telling him how I felt, even when he frowned after hearing about it. I have to be honest, even though I was in a relationship with someone else by that time, I enjoyed his constant care (like taking the closest chair or walking beside me most of the time), his abudant encouragement (how he called me "genius" just because I told him excitedly that I passed my exam without caring the grades I have), our sweet personal talk (I remembered how he shared his "wedding theme song" to me when we were just friend), his being protective to me (not letting me out on my own during winter night) and making a big deal out of his spontaneous compliment (telling me that I made the best fried rice--just because I decided not to put chili on it, because he dislikes spicy food). I remembered that we spent so many alone time, one on one talk when our group of friends are hanging out, catching up in a short groceries walk.

By the end of our first semester, I noticed that something change between us. We become overtly friendlier but also trapped in our current situation. I was so consumed by a long distance relationship struggle back then and did not realize that he also getting close with someone else. I still think that he paid that degree of attention only to me and we have different level of closeness, so I got myself so comfortable with him. I was indulged in our special routine: taking time, just the two of us, strolling around the city in dawn, having kebab and soda when I need someone to talk to, watching the first snow shower together, and even had our best-honeymoon-trip-scenario, where he acted as if he helped me to create a honeymoon itinerary for the me and my future spouse while we just filled it with our favorite places.

I had my breakdown that year after a short holiday where we spent far away from each other as I just broke up from a relationship that I actually knew would not survive. Still, it hurts and what I wanted that new year eve was just to returned to our Maastricht and met him. I was delighted that he was eager to meet me and my parents as well, to the point he initiated it. We arranged a short trip out of the city and I can't deny how I felt about him once I found him getting along with my father. I watched them just sync effortlessly and how he made conversation with him all day long while me and my mom getting “busy” shopping. Maybe I was not rational at that time, wanting to escape from my heart break, but I swear I hear myself saying "I think, all these things happened so I can realize that Madeza is the one".

I did not pay attention or simply refute from seeing the signs, I let myself build hope that this might be a start of something new, only to find out that he had a new girl friend. I remembered that night very clearly, I remember the place when he told me casually about it. I felt like a fool and I keep wondering whether it was a plot twist in our story. Anyway, is it quite clear how our love story resembles one of that movie up until this point?

The shock and even worse heartbreak this time, I got angry and tried to find another resort. So, I chose to spend time with someone else out of the blue, making it clear that I tried to escape watching someone I am in love with enjoying a good time with someone else. I tried to run away from the fact that I have to witness them together, because we were in the same group and we lived in a small city, and I need to at least be able to "do what he do to me”. I don’t know if I am so angry at him or at the timing.

Nonetheless, I can’t keep my joy whenever we sneaked out for a meet-up. But our conversation became bizarre as we keep so much from each other. It only took us weeks to realize that our so called friendship needs a closure. We approached each other, talking until dawn and crying and laughing at how ridiculous the situation we got ourselves into. We talked about past, about our feeling, about moments we secretly keep and treasure it. I was told that he actually recognized me before we talked for the first time. He spotted me through a social media posting and he read some of my blog posts. 

I think, that moment we were too happy and got ourselves into a bubble, we were too afraid to return to the reality we were in that we did not talk about it. But morning comes and we just have to face the reality we were in. Once or twice we exchanged some difficult conversation, like a passive I-want-you-to-tell-what-is-going-on-between-us and we did not continue in the middle of our conversation because it was too hard just to straightly said how we actually feel. So, we let the distance grow, we did not really exchange news or let ourself start any conversation. It was hard, but I think by that time it was what we need for a while.

I remember the spring was around the corner when we finally reconnected. It started with a random meeting and hang out. It ended up with a text where I confessed that I miss him so badly. Ever since that day, we just know that things are escalating. Although we spend time with our friends, we cannot keep that longing stare off each other. I feel that moment very significant to our relationship because we were so close to hit that point in our romantic relationship, yet we were not so sure where we stood.

One of the most special memory in that period is related with the celebration of my 24th birthday. We did not get to celebrate my birthday together, but we went to the church that morning together. He took me to a birthday brunch and it was a lovely morning. I was not really in a good place back then, I felt a bit disoriented in between what I have not achieved in my life and where I want to walk after this. We talk about future, not as the two of us, yet, but about each of us. We learn about surrender (berserah) our life in God's hands and not give up our situation to the situation at road's end (terserah). I never had that kind of conversation with anyone before, that moment I know how much I want to have those conversations for the rest of my life.

As we only have part of my birthday together, we decided to go for a date to annual spring garden, away from our city. I bought a pinky seed of tulip, we strolled, chatted, and had dinner. He took me to have dinner in a cozy café by the pier called Plek. We stayed there long enough until the crowd dissolved, looking the sky turned black, the lights hanged warmly, and we had the bench by the pier for ourselves. We sit there, looking at pitch black far horizon, just close our eyes in silence side by side. The weather feels cool, but I cant help feeling sad for this moment, as verything is quite blurry even when we can't deny what is hanging the air. He said something though--something that replace the 3 words we have not really dare to say to each other as we just throw the badge of friendship that we used all this time. "If one day I don’t fight for us as much as I do today, please remind me of this place and this moment."

He took my breath away.

For 23 years I was falling and failing miserably, worrying that I wont come up with the love story that as magical as my parents’. I am afraid I won’t ever stop looking until I found my own great love story. Then, I met Madeza that year and I know he is my great love story. It was just the beginning and I already know how it turned out to be, and I love it. I’ve found the one and it is much more wonderful than any love story in the whole world. 

#whatalife

[wateenleventje]

The Pregnancy Journey

34 weeks and within a month my life is about to enter brand new phase.

I feel more appreciative about what I currently experience and receive today. I feel like this moment has been designed to grant all the prayer and wishful thinking about what a maternity moment is. 

I always have this fear about when will I get pregnant, because it happens in my family that it took years to get pregnant. However, I always believe in the power of prayer and I tried to do what I can do, by excercising and being active. I myself not a sport junkie, I can’t even throw a ball perfectly and run for minutes, I swim all my life and only manage to master 2 style. However, I believe when our body in its active phase, it will benefit us through better metabolism, better skin, better active time, better overall fitness. I also have this questiones, whether we were ready to be parents if we will have the baby immediately, and my husband gave me a very reasurring answer “Well, we never know when we are ready, but when God says yes, He knows we are ready.”

It happens like a miracle, through our prayer every night, through our parents’ prayer, we have our baby on the way.  

This pregnancy itself is a smooth sailing. Although I completely loose my apetite for 5 months, I think it can be counted as a blessing in disguise. Although I completely lost control over my weight gain and made every one worries, I get to eat nice food and not having to control my weight gain in upcoming months. It doesn’t come easy, though. I have to face (up until today) some concerning glance about how thin and small my baby bump is. Especially because I prefer to wear loose clothes. I got to worry, of course, and I never really believe that nothing is wrong with my body. But, I tried to get rid of all the negative talk, since my doctor(s) never complain a thing about the baby’s weight. 

Miracle starts to show, especially during the third semester, we realize that our baby’s biweekly weight gain is advance to the average chart. We also start to find out the main reason of my amniotic fluid problem and how to prevent it from impairing the baby’s growth. Thankfully, we find a fetomaternal that help us with his calming and positive attitude. He never worried us, instead giving us reasurring “It’s fine and all is normal”, positive suggestions and long list of prescription, to get us through this last trimester of the pregnancy.

Now, after the baby bump is even more obvious and our baby is well and healthy through its uber cute 4D observation, I can say that it’s through God’s wonder it all happens. Thanks to my body and I kinda have to thank myself for not loosing control over the food and all the pregnancy hormones.

I tried to prove all the wonder of this pregnancy moment, from having that wonderful change in my body to see how the surging hormones affect my body. My hair grow thick and fast, my skin never really has problem with acne with bare skin care, and every time I pose under the sun, they told me I am glowing :) 

I also become more considerate of others, starting at least from my baby. Everytime I want to go hang out and expose myself to a crowd, I want to eat some sinful-yet-unressitable treat, I want to stay up al night watching movies and reading books, I want to be sad and follow my negative thought, I immediately can put the brake and choose the opposite. I just know I am not allowed to do it for the sake of my baby and my body thank me so much as well. I know I still have my sweet spot for coffee and sleeping late, but I did know when to stop and it feels great.

I also once wondered and battled with myself about being jobless at this time of pregnancy. I feel bad since I am in a very healthy condition and I think I should be able to make my time worthwhile. Some offers for a part-time or project based work came up and I kept rejecting it, to my defense, I don’t feel like they worth my being stress and everything. I did not say my choice is right, however, I can see how I am able to use my time for something else, such as returning to my old hobby: reading. I can manage my time better and do a lot of thinking. I can learn Dutch through Duolingo. I took courses on statistics and cognitive behavioral therapy.

But nothing will ever replace the moment I shared with my baby. I have this habit of taking her in my afternoon walk, talk to her and rub my belly. I shared story about my aspirations, my dreams and wishful thinking about future. I told her my prayer about her, how I wish she would be a woman of wisdom who keep her faith to Jesus. I told her about things she would adore about her father, about her grand parents, aunties, even her great-grand mother. I love how she seems to be attentive to my story, kicking and being calm at my rub. She is also very lively, as in she sometimes being playful with me. Like, when I focused on my cellphone, she kick and move a lot, but when I rub my belly or open my clothe to see her movement she will stay still. Those are things I feel magical. 

I am super grateful to have this moment, I am thankful for every experiences and shower of love I received from my family, friends and doctors/nurses I met along the way. I feel so blessed and our baby too. What a wonderful life! 

[wateenleventje]

Blessing in January 2021

It’s been sometimes since I feel the meaning of the phrase “Things happened when you least expect it”. It’s not that we never pray or work for it, it’s just since the news of our bundle of joy, somehow our target shifted, even our plans need to be revised and changed. Nevertheless, we enjoy creating new plans and look it as an opportunity to start a new day and making new direction.

However, last week, I received information that I got an interview for one of the university that I applied for a lecturing position. I was thrilled and I disucessed this matter with my husband and parents. We all agree that, first of all, we need to inform the university about our situation. Being pregnant and how I might need a maternity leave soon.

Surprisingly, they took it well. The dean of the faculty, told me that she will discuss it with the senate and decided to have an interview with me first. 

So, today, I had interview with her and two vice deans. I prepared for 3 days, since I received the invitation. I took a paper to think of the possible questions and how I would like to explain it to them. I created a “who am I” mind map, read my master study syllabus, create a power point of my thesis in order to have general ideas of what I had write years ago, and also read information about the university’s profile, in case they want to test me.

In the end, the conversation goes much smoother than I thought it would be. The questions revolved around my interest in the field of psychology (which is Industrial and Organisational), my knowledge of the scope of job (teaching, research, and CSR), what can I do as my social responsibility (which I answered vaguely instead of giving training answer doooh), and my topic interest in IO research. They also want to know my opinion with the range of salary, my long-term goal (as they really look for someone who would build their career in the institution), my opinion of possible work-family conflict, what will I do if my husband decided to move somewhere else, and my teaching experiences.

I tried to answer all their questions honestly. In the end, I dont want they expect something from me, that is far from their perception of me during the interview.

I really think that this is the only key answer for an interview. To be honest, I was so nervous and I still feel incompetent to do this job, I almost think of chicken out or sabotage myself by not being prepared. Like, I already expect the worst from myself “Well, you can’t impress them much, might as well dissapoint them in that interview or better not doing it.” But, somehow I know, it’s just my irrational fear. I am always afraid of failure. Even when I have faced it, I know I managed to deal with it, I have my support system, I have my spirit and everything, I still don’t feel like “tasting” the slight discomfort of being “embarrased” or worst “failed”. 

So, I remember the woman I want to be. How my husband must want to have a wife she can be proud of, not by always succeeding, but always striving to do the best she can. I remember my baby, whom I will carry through this recruitment process, I want to tell my baby what I used to achieve. Not by boasting, but by telling him/her that the reason I do it is to make him proud. I also remember my parents, of how much they always believe in me and always provide me with what I need to be in this stage, to get this opportunity comes almost that easily... I know I just have to do it with all my heart and effort, and believe that if this where I am meant to be, I’ll be there.

Thank you, Father, for blessing me with this life and opportunity. And for this message I know you sent me, in the most random way, my todo greetings when I open google chrome “Live your dream, and share your passion.”

[wateenleventje]

Our #1 Bundle of Joy :)

Two-thousand and twenty could not get any better. Just when I think, I’ll just enjoy the christmas with our family back in our hometown(s), we received the wonderful news. We are expecting!

Funny thing is, the expected date for the baby could be the same with my husband. Aren’t they the cutest?

Being a mother is the brand new life, for me. I used to place myself as a daughter who rely on my parents and soon enough I will taking that place, having my kid relying on me. 

I have to carefully think about the food I eat, the activity I take, even the thought I have running on my mind. I don’t want to feel sad or scared or anxious, the only thing I want is being full of gratitude, of hope, of love, of positivity. Funny thing is I have been crying a lot for no reason. Just a little tired, or my stomach hurt, or even being hungry can make me cry. I got this undescribable mixture of sensitivity that is hard for me to explain.

Having this experience, I would like to start by making few changes. 

Start Journaling!

- I have been trying to do gratitude journal several years back. I enjoy it enermously but always end up stopping at one point. So, now, I have to prepare myself and I have been trying to find a suitable journal. Which can track my daily habits and of course reflecting my thought.

Reading books

- Yes, I made promise to myself to be a mother that at least know what to do when raising my kid. I know that at the end, experience will talk more in a long run, but, still, preparation is the key and for now, I can start through the “window of the world”.

Following some mindfulness routine

- Too much of my thought went unnotice and burried, leaving me with some sort of anger and frustration, which errupt into a swing negative mood and irrational thought. I am full of envy and unable to accept that some things are the way it is, even those which already happened in the past. Bottom line is, it haunted me and chase me into my unforeseen future. By living mindfully, I hope to be aware of those unwanted thoughts and feeling, will in turn help me to be more grateful and enjoying life much more.

[wateenleventje]

Little Victories

I write today as it marks our one month wedding anniversary, yeah!

So many things happened within a month, I would like to take sometimes to appreciate how I have conquer small victories:

- We manage to pray together every night before we sleep. No matter how sleep we felt, we wake up and take lead in our night prayer. It might be less than 10 minutes, but I personally feel it is the most serene time in my day. I really thank God for this.

- So far, I managed to wake up earlier than I used to during my single life. I am not a morning person and waking up early is so much of a psychological torture than a physical challenge. For the first week, the fact that I stayed at my husband’s parents’ house help me to start off on the right foot. I know I am now “on work sabatical” and I have no routine that requires me to wake up in the morning, but surely, waking up every morning around 6 or 7 AM is nice as me and my husband have extra cuddling time and I managed to keep up a routine like bible reading and doing chores.

- I also managed to cook for every lunch and only order food for weekend or special occasion. I also sometimes create salad for our dinner. Yes, I still think the menu that I created is very simple and maybe my husband needs more portion as he can’t still cut his snack consumption (I assume that I prepared too little), but I started to enjoy creating ideas from what I have in the fridge.

- I also start enjoying doing chores, and personally this is maybe my best achievement. I never like cleaning. My mom knows this very well, that she frequently visited me during my 1 year stay in Jakarta so she can had that deep-clean routine. I may have not clean as good as her, the progress that I made so far is that I just do oit without feeling resistant to do it. Like, know, I paid attention more to the floor and especially the kitchen area. I can’t really let the dirty dish pilled-up, no matter how often I do it during the days, I felt so content when I see that area under control. So, yeah, I think it contributed a lot to my daily calory burn, as I have not gain a lot, though I eat so much in terms of frequency and also portion now ;)

I was so grateful for all of these little achievement, that yesterday, after our at-home sunday service, I took the brush and mop the floor thoroughly while singing Brian Littrell ‘In Christ Alone’. This song means a lot for me since i was 10 years old, as I always want to be on top of something, academically, but never feel like I can achieve it. It creates this anxiety and so much burden for me.. until I heard this song:

In Christ alone will I glory Though I could pride myself in battles won For I've been blessed beyond measure And by His strength alone I'll overcome Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone I place my trust And find my glory in the power of the cross

In every victory Let it be said of me My source of strength My source of hope Is Christ alone

Yes, I felt THAT grateful of the days I have conquered. 

He is my strength that I can feel a grateful heart and enjoy this situation, as I think that as a human, I tend to want something else other than what we have now. I had this experience that I felt anxious and complaint a lot during my first job searching, but once I got it, i complaint about some ridiculous stuff that comes with the job. He is also my hope, for a better days ahead. As I believe that something big awaits for me. 

So, for me personally, this one month anniversary makes me smile and once more tell myself that: what a life!

[damiongrey]

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