#we already knew since like 2020 but it’s great to finally see them together lmfao

[peaceeandcoolestvibes]

.

[a-lbeit]

2020: a goddamn year in review

man oh man 

rang in the new year drunk as hell with incredible company at a party we crashed; kissed at least 3 people

went to work the next morning still drunk and laughed all through my shift. it was blake, abby, and jacob’s last day

tried sushi for the first time and had one last juke joint evening before britt left 

discovered the roof next to carnegie with rozi 

slept over at blake’s apartment with britt the night before we all had to move out and the program officially ended. it was a nice way to end it. man, who knew what was to come with the rest of the year

finally saw the holiday version of small world the last night that the park had the holiday decorations up. looking back, i sure am glad i was able to see that

blake was able to continue living in carnegie because of his professional internship. rozi and i snuck in and slept over at his place once or twice, running through the halls before the new set of CPs moved in. most of the apartments were unlocked, so we went up and saw our old place all empty and dark. we all climbed up to lyndsay’s top bunk and blake put his head on me. the next morning, we were all having breakfast when a couple of cleaning people came in lmfao 

got a spot for the cast preview of rise of the resistance. that’s a fucking cool ride, i gotta give it up 

went to the autopia drive-in. that was certainly something i’ll be forever grateful was able to happen. we all sat in the cars and watched incredibles 2 with hella snacks. it was unique and memorable and special. i remember sitting next to benny in the break room, although we didn’t know each other at that point

went to an event in la with rozi, taleeah, taleeah’s sister, and her boyfriend (now her fiancé, soon to be husband). got as drunk as i did on new year’s, ate some random hot wings, and puked in the uber. yikes 

called in an hour late to work the next day, even though my start time was already at 1pm lmao. i remember talking to matt about the night. i miss him sometimes. 

went on my first hike since my ankle broke. what a joyous moment, sincerely. to be back on my feet, in my hiking boots, on dirt, climbing between the valleys and hilltops. that first moment when the world is gracious enough to let you return to a large raison d’être. you feel indebted, truly. you feel like things really will be all right in the end. it is like nothing else--pure, fresh, and humbling.

got closer with my coworkers. i still miss them like hell. i think i always will. there was so much we were going to do together. i began to realize that i felt happiest at work.

one day at work, my coworker brenda and i were Y1 and Y2, and my coworker benny was track 2 line 3. he came up and told me something, i believe a joke about how he couldn’t hear my spiel (i’d always be pretty loud during my spiels lmao, enough for a couple of my leads to tell me to quiet down a bit). when he went back, brenda leaned across and said that she thought he thought i was cute. i’ll always remember that moment, i think. i still think about whether the guests waiting in the cars heard her and tuned into the gossip. i was taken aback, to say the least. i thought he was cool, but he hadn’t really been on my radar. that changed right then.

a few days later, i came back up to her and asked if she meant what she said. she said yeah, and asked if i thought he was cute. i said i think so. a few days after that, it was a rainy day and auto was closed. i was talking to her and asked her why she thought that. she finally told me that she’d heard it from her close friend josh, who hung out with benny. i was honestly fucking shook lmao. it was all so juvenile, but it was fun to think about.

went to troy’s birthday party, expecting to see benny. he didn’t show, but i had a great time anyway. i got the kind of drunk where you’re still in control, but you feel like you’re on top of the world.

had a lunch and park date with lexi and cassie. i told them about benny, and when cassie and i rode autopia, he was at auto 3 and we pretended our car had broken down. he played along.

went to alejandra’s 21st birthday party. i wasn’t too close to her; i only knew her through rozi. i’m glad we got so much closer over the course of the year. 

my self-confidence sort of skyrocketed. i bought new clothes and felt almost beautiful for once.

went to the cast preview of the new parade that was going to be at disneyland. lmfao that sure did go to shit. 

had a beautiful day at the parks with my coworkers. i wish i could have attended more of those days, but things changed quickly, as we all know. 

finally got off probation at work (which had been paused for the 3 months i was on medical leave) and found out i had been okayed to learn the nemo ride. i was excited to learn a second ride so soon after my probation ended, and i was excited that it was so unique. i mean, driving a submarine? come on. people may think it’s a lame attraction, but it’s not something you see everywhere. plus, it was also the other ride that benny knew. i had been trying to interact with him more at work in that coy way you might see in high school flirtation. like i said, it was juvenile. i claim it. 

started working toward becoming a trainer—lexi was really helpful, and it was nice to talk with anthony and jeff about it and to know that all these leads thought i would be a good pick

found out through brenda that billy thinks i’m hot LMFAO. an ego booster of sorts

my new coworker melissa started getting closer to me, and she’d message me and text me. she eventually said she was interested in me, and i was a little on edge for a while, but we’re close now. i like her a lot. (her ex ended up also sort of coming on to me months later lmao)

the week before the closure came about, went to arizona with rozi and blake to visit britt. what a weekend. it was short, but certainly meaningful. we were able to meet and hang out with her beautiful family, catch up, have some great laughs, eat fire food (including my first dutch bros experience 👀), and explore a new area. it was my first time in arizona, and we got to see a tiny bit of phoenix and spent a windy afternoon in flagstaff. i feel like that was the last time things were so easy between all of us.

started training at nemo for the majority of what would become the last week i would be working before the closure, which was announced only like 3 days before it actually happened. 

slept over at trev’s LMFAO 

passed my PA on thursday amidst a weird 101 with the attraction. i remember looking across the way at my coworkers in the auto pit (because autopia also had to go down when nemo was down), and benny saw me and waved at me, and then everyone else did, too. a nice moment. a small group of them finished their shift when i was at greeter at nemo, and when they walked by, they all waved again. 

after the closure was announced--something that was so unprecedented but also not taken seriously (it was just going to be a 2 week vacation, right? corona wasn’t that big a deal)--i picked up billy’s opening shift for friday, march 13th, the last day before the closure. i wasn’t excited for this “vacation” (like i said, i was happiest when i was at work. i was going to miss that place for the 2 weeks it would supposedly be closed), so i was very grateful to work once more at auto, one of my favorite places to be. it rained all morning, and we were only open for maybe an hour or so. i did a track walk with lexi, and i goofed around with all my friends. it was michelle’s birthday, so some of us brought some food for a potluck. i had lowkey hoped to see benny, but he didn’t work that day. oh well. it was a really great shift that would end up being my last, something that is so strange to say even after all this time. i even got up the courage to ask anthony to write a letter of rec for me for grad school.

a couple hours later, i met up with rozi and alejandra as guests in the park to get in some final fun before (what we thought would be) the 2-week closure. it was incredible, and at the end of the night, all the characters lined up at the train station to wave bye to us all. i know it’s disney and cringy, but i felt warm, albeit a little on edge.

the next evening, got pizza with some coworkers and went back to one of their houses. it was actually the brother of my nemo trainer lmfao. i followed benny on instagram that night while sitting at the dining room table. like 5 minutes later, he followed me back. 

a day or two later, had brunch with some other coworkers before everything shut down for real. i’m grateful for kiley for arranging those types of get-togethers. 

before the closure got extended indefinitely, before i started wearing a mask, before we really came to understand the gravity of covid, we had fun for a couple weeks. rozi and i went back to the roof next to carnegie with blake and we got caught. we went on a couple hikes. we’d go on almost daily evening walks and we’d do stairs in the morning. went to the beach. i really started to get into exercising, since i was no longer able to get the 20,000 steps i’d log at work each day. did those instagram tag games with my coworkers. engaged in all the activities that the early naïveté surrounding the pandemic brought, like whipped coffee. things weren’t great, but they were all right. we were still getting paid by disney, something that i do have to give props to the corporation for. they did what they could while they could. 

taleeah, rozi, and i all finally united over our mutual dislike of our other roommate. i started to avoid being in the same place as her, so i’d often sit on the floor in the living room since we didn��t have any furniture at the time. i sort of miss it. 

rozi moved out at the end of march. we hadn’t found anyone to replace her. we started splitting the rent evenly 3 ways. was it fair? not necessarily, but i mean, it wouldn’t have been fair any other way, either. that’s the way it goes. and you have to accept it.

benny remained in the back of my mind. my coworkers would have zoom calls, and i joined a couple of them at the beginning of quarantine. it was nice to talk to them, although i mostly just listened to their conversations. i hate video calls. 

even though the closure was indefinite, we all kept saying we’d be back by june, august at the latest. 

blake got laid off and ended up driving back home to tennessee. i hate that i cried when we said goodbye. 

rozi came back to visit for the first time at the beginning of may

started getting a bit creative with my meals. just a bit

my unemployment finally started coming in, and i felt rich for a minute

rozi would come back about once a month or so. we’d take nice photos, get açaí and coffee, and pretend everything was gonna be over soon 

rozi, blake, britt, and i all talked about meeting up again. we decided to fly out to tennessee at the end of july, coinciding with my birthday, actually. we bought our tickets and had plans to stay with blake and his family. it was going to be a beautiful reunion.

paid off my credit card for the first time since the end of 2017 (after having to load it up during my medical leave when i was the brokest i’ve ever been). it was incredibly freeing.

mindy moved back to oc, and we hung out for the first time since florida. it was a nice reunion, and i’m glad to have her as a friend who lives nearby

the end of may rolled around, and in the days following george floyd’s murder, there sure was a big change all around. the fire died down eventually, like it always does, but it hit harder this time around. saw one of my coworkers at the protest i attended. it was, and still is, a moving time marked so clearly with disgusting and incessant realities.

daisy moved in. i’m so incredibly grateful we’ve crossed paths. she is genuine and generous and a kind soul.

got açaí and coffee and went mini-golfing with rozi and a couple of her friends for her birthday. left my sunglasses at the course, took a chance and went back to look for them, and was overjoyed when i saw them resting at the 14th hole. thank you, whoever you were who put them there rather than taking them.

dalenna went out of town for 10 whole and beautiful days, and i completed the chloe ting 2 week shred. i’m so glad i did. it was the beginning of workouts that i actually enjoy doing and feel accomplished about doing. i feel strong and i look strong now, and i really do feel sort of indebted to chloe, as stupid as that sounds. seeing the bones in my hands, i like myself nowadays. i still treat myself probably way too much, but i feel disciplined. 

started graduate school, something that i’m still shook was possible during these times 

had a picnic with some coworkers, the first time i’d seen them in months. catching up with them was like nothing else

bought roller skates lmfao, and went roller skating with mindy because the rink reopened for a while

a couple days later, went back with rozi and taleeah

we ended up cancelling our plans to fly out to visit blake. covid was hard to deal with, obviously. it didn’t seem safe, and things didn’t seem right—with the world and within our group. i really hate what’s become of it. i miss the relationship i had with blake before rozi joined in, if i’m being honest. 

tried to skate outside of a rink, but it’s just not for me lmao. i’m happy to have my own pair for whenever the rinks reopen again, though

for the 4th of july, taleeah and i got bomb food and ate in a park. i’ve really grown so close to her over the past half year or so, and i’m thankful for it. we’re different, for sure, but i think that she and i have a very similar understanding of life.

my ipod had broken a couple months back, and i finally bought a new one, although i didn’t actually set it up with my music until months later 

went to laughlin with alejandra, taleeah, and rozi for a couple days. we melted in the triple digit heat, got a lot of dutch bros, did a drive-by of vegas (my first ever view of it—what a sight to see, all empty but still lit up), swam in lake mohave, and even drove over to the grand canyon for a day. i couldn’t help but be smitten with the grandeur of that part of the country. alejandra threw up several times while we were doing a hike, but she never stopped smiling and laughing and even flirting with a man from iowa. i admire and respect her endlessly. 

for a few days, that instagram meme of random names being put on random objects (like a frog or a seinfeld screen cap) was huge. i went through many of those, sending them to everyone. i sent a couple to benny. and i even said fuck it and sent one to tucker. he responded almost immediately and we started catching up. it was strange, but it was so incredibly nice. i told him my grievances, and he apologized. and we started talking like old friends again. 

went to downtown disney on the 65th anniversary of disneyland opening. a strange sort of homecoming in the midst of crippling uncertainty (something that still overwhelms me--but at least i’m not in the purgatory of furlough anymore. at least I know my fate)

with my birthday coming up, i had decided to rent a car for a few days (i had a couple free days with hertz) to explore southern california a bit, an activity long overdue. on disneyland’s birthday, there was a special zoom call that my coworkers were having, and i hopped on it for a while. benny was on it, like he always was. part of my plan—the main part, actually—was to go to salvation mountain, slab city, and the salton sea. i told everyone about it, and benny and i got to talking about it for a couple minutes because he had done a photoshoot there for his band. it was the most we’d talked in months. then i got off the call to facetime tucker LMFAO. we flirted a bit. we hung up after a while and i actually got back on the zoom call because i felt so good. that evening was a real high for me, socially speaking.

in the days and weeks that passed, tucker and i got close again. he’d call me cute and say he missed me. he was into me again, that’s for damn sure. it was nice for a minute. i even thought about flying out east to visit my parents and to see him in december

2 days before my birthday, i drove around all day, up to solvang and san luis obispo and back down to malibu to try to see the comet that was rolling through. it was pretty stupid of me to think malibu would be a good place to see it. it was cloudy as hell, but it was still beautiful. then i drove home along the worst part of the PCH just because it was the PCH. the next evening, taleeah and i went to the top of the world in laguna and we think we saw it. several people had the same idea, but i enjoyed the sense of community we all had. earlier in the day, i had driven to the us-mexico border where the PCT starts and walked along the first mile or so. it was incredible to see that in person. maybe one day, i’ll see it as a thru-hiker. who really knows. anyway, after the comet, we drove back home and stopped to get my free dozen birthday doughnuts from krispy kreme. 

the next day was my birthday. the night before, i asked taleeah if i should invite our other roommate. we decided it was probably a good idea to, just to be nice, even though we don’t like her. it was very last-minute of us, so we thought she’d say no. she said yes. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, and i’m glad i invited her. it’s nice to be inclusive. we drove to the desert, blasting my music that i so rarely get to blast while driving. seeing salvation mountain in person was a really fascinating experience. it was faded from the sun and it was empty. sheer beauty. i love the unassuming presence of the whole area and how everyone lives off the grid. then, we went to bombay beach and the salton sea. the gritty art next to the toxic waters made for some really fucking cool vibes. it was hot as hell, of course, and i didn’t mind, but dalenna did get a bit overheated. she doesn’t drink water, ever. it was all right, though. she was a trooper, i’ll give her that. i had a great day, and i hope taleeah and dalenna did, as well. we ended the day in riverside, seeing the mission inn that my father and his sisters often speak of.

i got so many birthday messages that day (including from benny). it made me feel really loved

honestly, i loved that rental car. the sound system was crystal clear

i had gotten really fucking tan by this point, since i’d go on walks and be outside so often. the socal kiss of summer really is something

did the hollywood hike for the first time with matty. seeing those letters up close and personal makes you really think about the history of the area, the rich (albeit troubled) cultural history of the silver screen

got extremely drunk with rozi at my apartment and facetimed tucker. it was the beginning of the end with that, even though he said he would love to have me over

reached the end of my first quarter of grad school. the last day, i took the train into la and met up with rozi so that we could gallivant around the city in an attempt to find billboards advertising blackbear’s new album—there was a contest on twitter that rozi was trying to win. it was one of the best days, really. we went to the grove and the pink wall and a bit of the abandoned la zoo. it was so fucking hot, but it didn’t even matter. when i got back to anaheim, i submitted my final group project and even had time to meet up with a few coworkers in a park to doodle and gossip. one of my favorite days of the year, honestly

the next day, i treated myself to my free bagel and cream cheese from bruegger’s and a latte, ate in the noguchi garden that i love so much, and ordered a new computer (which came with free airpods). the computer took a month to get here, but i had my airpods 2 days later 

then, a couple days after that, rozi and i went on the road trip of the year all the way to portland (i won’t say exactly how many times we stopped at dutch bros, but it was...a lot)

we started off by driving to this kitschy western-themed shop about 3 hours north. then we drove all the way to redding in norcal

the next morning, we did a hike in shasta national forest. seeing snow on the mountain in august was like nothing else. it finally felt like fall

on we went, getting a quick photo in the town of weed, of course, before making our way to bend, oregon, to see the last blockbuster standing. i bought a tote bag. it’s one of those things you just have to do. we finally rolled into portland at the end of the night

the next day, we explored the city a bit before meeting up with my friend katie who i met while working in florida. it was so fucking beautiful to see her again. we reminisced and caught up and she showed us around her neck of the woods in vancouver

the day after was a hiking day for sure. rozi and i went to multnomah falls, one of those things you always see in photos and feel so lucky to be able to see in person, and then to the bridge of the gods, where cheryl strayed ended her PCT hike. walking across that bridge was another favorite moment of my year. then we wound up in mt hood national forest. the hike we did had wild huckleberries along much of the trail that we snacked on, feeling like true foragers. again, the snow on the mountain makes you feel some type of way.

our last day in that area, we drove through some of washington, stopping at some ice caves and then going all the way to mt st helens. crazy stuff. we vowed to come back to do the hike around the crater someday

our journey back began, and we drove down the oregon coast. those cloudy beaches and coastal drives are something of an emblem of the tail end of a PNW summer, it seems.

the last day of the trip, we met up with rozi’s friend in sausalito, gazing out at sf across the bay, and then with her other friend in carmel (after driving over the golden gate and blasting scott mckenzie’s “san francisco,” something that just must be done). i want to have a more prolonged experience in the monterey area. so unique a place.

seeing the skies tinged orange from all the forest fires was something else. what a year of burning.

slept over at trev’s again lmao, maybe for the last time. had the best kind of la day afterwards, wandering celebrity graves at the hollywood forever cemetery and treating myself to bougie drinks at peet’s and groundwork coffee at the grove. i even saw the charmed house before taking the train back. it was the one-year anniversary of breaking my ankle and i had grown so much, come so far, felt so full. even if the midst of all the shit, i was happy. happiness despite my surroundings is sort of a theme of the year, as tone-deaf as that may sound. i am content with my life, sure, but i am not blind to the despair.

got really pissed at and hurt by tucker again, and learned my lesson this time. his mixed signals sure are something else. whatever. we’re cool now, friendly acquaintances. 

my next quarter of school started. 4 classes, all for free (i’d done 3 the previous quarter). i always try to remember how goddamn lucky i am, even when i’m feeling lazy

the one-year anniversary of my surgery passed on september 26th. again, i couldn’t believe how fortunate i had been with my recovery journey. i am indebted to that injury more than i can fathom. it brought the change i had been in desperate need of. i was happy previously. a little too naive, though. that injury developed me and made appreciate so, so much the life that i have, the abilities and strength that i have. over a year later, and here i am, still writing about it as if it happened a month ago. i’m thankful for that test. 

took a trip to santa barbara for the weekend with rozi and taleeah. rozi showed us around her old stomping grounds from when she attended UCSB, and we chilled out in some hot springs. we stopped in oxnard on the way back and hung out with taleeah’s family, going fishing and eating lunch with them. 

i saw on benny’s band’s instagram that they were having a real live show the day we were coming back. i was disappointed i couldn’t go, since i wasn’t in the area. i’d always wanted to go to one of his shows. i hoped there would be more. 

my new computer finally came in lmao

a couple days later, went to san diego for the weekend, this time with rozi and alejandra. we got to know the city a bit; it was a short introduction but i enjoyed the beach and the architecture. we all even played crazy 8s with tucker 

amidst all of that, 28k layoffs at disney were announced. we knew in the back of our minds that we’d be a part of those. 

the movies theaters reopened, and i started going again. it was a nice, simple way to spend my evenings.

the conflict between armenia and azerbaijan escalated around this time, and rozi was deeply affected, of course understandably so. i can’t empathize with what she was going through, but i really felt for her. and i checked up on her. but she ghosted everyone and was really sort of tunnel-visioned about how people should react to and discuss the conflict. and i realized that i had come to rely on her presence too much. so i distanced myself from her. i also realized that she is most of the reason that britt, blake, she, and i aren’t as close as we once were. she has a very dominating presence, and i’ve realized that i don’t like that things often have to be on her terms or are dictated by her—not in terms of what we do, but in terms of the general vibe of a relationship. so i keep that in mind now. i love her, truly. but i’ve been able to step back. i don’t jump to text her whenever i have news anymore. maybe that will change again. but anyway.

hiked in crystal cove again, the first hike i had done after my ankle healed back in january, this time for one of my classes. it was a really nice day to myself

submitted my absentee ballot. i really didn’t know what was going to happen. it sure was a case of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. 

did my first hike with daisy and rich, something that became incredibly fun the few times we did it, even though this first time, we didn’t get too far. we’re hoping to get back into it relatively soon 

did the hollywood hike again with matty 

went with taleeah to get her tattoo. she got the email about getting laid off that morning, but she didn’t let it get to her. a couple days later, i got my email.

i had seen that benny’s band was doing another show, and i was determined to go. taleeah said she would go with me. i was scared as hell, but i messaged my coworker troy and asked him about it, since he’d gone the show a couple weeks prior. it looked like a real possibility. i didn’t message benny at all LMFAO

on october 30, i got my eyebrow pierced. it was something i’d had in the back of my mind for years. now that i didn’t have to worry about staying in disney look anymore, i decided to say to hell with it. later that day, i did go to benny’s show. another one of my favorite days of the year, for sure.

i was messaging troy beforehand so that i could meet up with him. i was too scared to go with only taleeah. i needed someone that benny and i both knew there. 

i saw benny, and avoided him like hell. i hadn’t been this nervous in a long time. 

troy finally showed up with his girlfriend, and we all talked for a while. finally, benny was about to go on, and he was putting his instruments on the stage. he saw me. did a double take. put down his drum immediately to hug me. it was nice. 

after his set, taleeah and i sat at a table outside, and this other person we’d been talking to, brandy, sat next to taleeah and talked with us. then benny joined, sitting next to me. we talked all night. 6 hours absolutely flew by. i was on cloud 9. we all made a group chat to go hiking. and it actually ended up working out. benny hugged me goodbye and asked for my number, although i merely said it was in the group chat LMAO

hiked again with daisy and rich, and we got farther this time. it was autumnal up there in the mountains. 

went to a sexy santa halloween party that mindy threw. i looked good as hell

election day came and went without a winner. nerve-racking. 

went to downtown disney with melanie and delaney. it was nice to catch up with them for the first time in months 

biden was eventually officially projected to win. it was a surreal moment, a calming moment, a moment of peace. what a long, strange trip it’s been, that’s for damn sure. 

actually went on a hike with brandy and benny. unfortunately, taleeah had been getting bad vertigo and had to bail. i couldn’t believe it had worked out in some form, though. i was hanging out with benny outside of work. 

my quarter was once again coming to an end, and i finished it pretty unenthusiastically. although i had registered for the next quarter, i knew that with my impending layoff at the end of the year, i wouldn’t be able to continue on for free. eventually, i withdrew from the next quarter. i’ll probably pay out of pocket, but i’m still weighing my options. that was probably the most devastating part of my year. getting over halfway done with a master’s degree for free, well on my way to complete it in just one calendar year, and then having that ripped away. but i do try to remember that i got over halfway in 2 quarters. that’s nothing to sneeze at. and i’m beyond grateful. and i will finish it, hopefully in the next year or so. 

brandy randomly called me a few days after our hike and asked if i wanted to do another hike. i said sure, although not that same day. we did another hike, this time just us two. i wondered if that meant anything. i hoped not. he did ask me out at the end of that hike. i turned him down, and it wasn’t a big deal at all. i’m very glad we’re friends. we continued to do hikes separate from the rest of the group, and i actually told him the next time about benny.

hiked with daisy and rich again, this time in snow. it was absolutely beautiful, although terrifying sometimes. what a way to kick off the holiday season. 

benny invited us to a bonfire at his place, and i was the only one of our group to go. i met his friends

got my 1 year service pin LMFAO 

started really going on weekly hikes with brandy, usually once during the week and one on the weekend with benny and taleeah, as well. the weekend get-togethers turned into sometimes doing stuff other than hiking 

went to downtown disney and the newly opened buena vista street with rozi and alejandra. once again, i looked good as hell. rozi posted a picture of us all on her insta, and tucker hit me up LMFAOOOOOOO

zuri invited me to thanksgiving with her family. they were so fucking lovely and welcoming to me. i will never forget it. 

the next day, met up with rozi in la and went to citywalk for the first time. then we went to hollywood blvd just because. we met up with alejandra and were tourists for a minute, ending the night at the grove, where we went to umami burger and i got a black burger bun that turned my shit green LMFAO 

went with alejandra to get her tattoo. it was so much quicker than taleeah’s and i was surprised lol 

went to company d a few times toward the end of the year, including once with mindy; afterwards, we went to the knott’s version of downtown disney 

later that night (december 8th, to be exact), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went to downtown disney in the evening and then came back to our place to watch the princess bride. what a night. what was supposed to be an innocent wine and movie night turned into benny and i getting extremely, extremely drunk. we decided to put on white christmas after princess bride ended. that was when i was really starting to feel drunk. benny and i ended up on the couch together, and i was lying on him after a while. i remember pointing out how hot the skinny bitch in white christmas is, and i remember him saying that i have better curves than her. we sort of started flirting. the movie ended, and brandy needed to go home. benny ended up deciding to stay over. taleeah walked brandy down, and basically immediately after they left, i asked benny if he’d ever kissed anyone. he said no. i asked if he wanted to. he said yeah. we kissed. and then kissed some more. lmao. we laid together on the couch for the rest of the night, dozing off and kissing in between. we went to my apartment’s rooftop to see the sunrise and talked for a while. he left around 8am or so. we kissed goodbye. i sat on down on the couch and thought and thought and thought. 

i was absolutely shook. goddamn. rozi came over later because we were going to go to laughlin again with alejandra for a few days. i enjoyed rehashing the events of the night.

we left for laughlin, and the morning of (in the dutch bros line, coincidentally), benny texted me to officially ask me out. it was cute. 

it was great couple days—we went to the hoover dam and then to oatman, where there are wild burros that roam the streets of that dated section of route 66, and even spent a night in vegas at the stratosphere. rozi and i went on the rides at the top of it, which was fucking insane, and we all walked the strip, which i’d never done before. i always think of the partridge family when i think of vegas. 

after coming back from laughlin, taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went on a super short “hike” and then came back and watched white christmas for real this time. benny and i hadn’t gone out yet (this was the first time since that eventful drunken night), and we barely touched all night. all 3 of them separately told me how awkward it was, but i didn’t really think so.

finally went on our date. it was the first real date i’d ever been on, apart from the in n out thing tucker and i went on more than a year prior. it was cute, innocent. benny doesn’t drive, so he had his friend chauffeur us to this hipster food hall 😂. we ate and talked (i do lowkey hope to educate him on some social and economic issues), and then he had had plans for a bonfire at the beach, but it was getting late and the beach was closing. so, we went back to his place and had a bonfire there. he finally asked if he could kiss me again, and we ended up taking things back to his bedroom. it was really late by that point, and i didn’t want to make his friend drive me back home. so i stayed over. it was a good night. when i left in the morning, i told him to buy condoms.

brandy, benny, and i hiked black star canyon finally—a good hike, although we lost brandy for a bit because he was rock scrambling so much faster than us.

the evening of the 23rd, benny and i had our second date; we went mini golfing and then came back to my place because my roommate had thankfully left that morning to go home for the holiday. this was the first time i’d ever brought a guy to my place (apart from a couple hours at carnegie with tucker). we watched home alone 2 and a few episodes of seinfeld, and we finally had sex. it’s the only time we’ve done it so far just because it’s so goddamn hard for us to have time alone, but it was nice. i liked having him next to me in my own bed for once. 

the next morning, he left. it was christmas eve. it was the best christmas eve ever—i ate a shitload of food and just chilled without having to deal with my roommate. 

christmas morning, i woke up and had a lovely morning—worked out and chilled out and even had a zoom call with my family. daisy and rich invited to me to spend christmas dinner with them, which was such a kind gesture. we had delicious food and watched some of die hard and then the jim carrey version of a christmas carol. i came back for a peaceful evening by myself.

i was honestly missing benny and still had one more day before any of my roommates came home (and a few more days until my actual roommate came home), so i invited him to stay over again. i like just being in his presence.

brandy and i went on one final outing before the new year, working out and doing a short hike in bolsa chica. views of the snow-covered mountains on one side and the goddamn pacific ocean on the other made me think about the unusual, very particular perfection of southern california. 

my roommates and i decided to have a very small kickback for new year’s eve. in the couple days leading up to it, we bought decorations and planned food. taleeah and i returned our costumes finally, the layoff to go into effect the next day. it was strange to think only now, 9 months since we’d last worked, were we to officially separate from the company. it was a good run. 

that same day (the 30th), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all had one final hangout of the year--a boat cruise in newport to see the holiday lights that the rich people put on their houses. benny put his arm around me. we were close to each other while we gazed at the lights. i was happy. one last bit of holiday fun before the worries of 2021 arrived at our doorstep.

new year’s eve started out uneventful, but became an incredible night. i wore a fucking hot dress. (it’s become so nice to see myself and be proud of the way i look. i know it’s probably shallow to have become so focused on the way my body looks, but i am proud. i have become strong. i have become pretty fit. and i like that about myself. i think it reflects something so much deeper about my outlook on life.) the only people we ended up having over were benny and taleeah’s date, martin. brandy ended up having a sinus infection and couldn’t make it last minute, and i had invited mindy and her boyfriend, but they spent the evening at his family’s house. so it was just taleeah, martin, benny, dalenna, and me. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, once the boys had arrived. we played a music trivia game, listened to music, and ate pizza. benny and i were the only ones really drinking, although taleeah had a bit, as well. a little before midnight, we found something to stream for west coast time, and when the clock struck midnight, we all toasted with the fancy prosecco that benny had brought (minus dalenna) and i kissed him. i’d never had a new year’s kiss, especially not one right at midnight. it was wonderful. and then we went onto the porch and blew our noisemakers and yelled out happy new year, and fellow residents came out and said the same. it was nice to have that human connection, even in times like these. and then we decided to go to the roof, and we again yelled out happy new year on our way across the street, and people came out onto their porches and said the same. we gazed at the lights of anaheim and the lights in the sky. we saw a few fireworks. benny and i were making out, and so were taleeah and martin. benny and i snuck off for like an hour to a dark little section of the roof you’re not supposed to walk on. eventually, we rejoined the other two and we all talked with a guy playing his guitar named cowboy chris. it was cold, so we came back to our apartment after a while. benny left around 3 or so, i believe, to catch a flight to cleveland with his friend. i walked him down and we procrastinated the goodbye for a good few minutes, and then i came back and went to bed. and then i woke up, and 2020 had truly been kicked out, and 2021 had started with a nice stimmy direct deposit. 2021, be good. there is so much promise for this year. i’m excited, albeit wary, to see how it all plays out.

over the year, some things were constant or else developed slowly over months:

really grew to love working out. i still absolutely hate gym culture and i really don’t like to broadcast my exercise, but i love doing it so much.

listened to music truly in a new light—who would have thought i would come to branch out more than i ever have, to see how cool and beautiful and noteworthy absolutely everything is? i know that that is not news in any way, and i know that i have a lens that i look through that i need to work on widening. but at any rate, i am so thankful to my friends for letting me in to their own libraries. 

missed driving, as always, although i am very content to not have to deal with the stresses and expenses of having a car. i just wish i had more friends who also didn’t have cars so i didn’t always feel indebted.

missed my job like nothing else. autopia is the best place I have ever worked without a single doubt in my mind. the people i work with, the leads, the job itself. it is fun and involved and just plain cool. i hope to return, although i don’t really think i will. who knows, though. 

tried to support gavin newsom with all my heart. he has made his best efforts, but i just wish he wasn’t so hypocritical. i will continue to support him, though, i think, but without such a star in my eye.

toward the end of the year, played among us a few times with my group from florida. i forgot how much i miss them all.

songs of the year: “before the deluge,” jackson browne, “all the debts i owe,” caamp, “which way are you goin,” jim croce. browne’s lyricism and intonations just strike you--gently, but with a certain meaningful force that i don’t feel too often. i think of “before the deluge” a lot and i relate it to my own life throughout 2020, in an abstract sort of way. 2020 gave so much to me, yes, and i feel gratitude for it. but it certainly was a deluge unlike many of us had ever seen before. and we haven’t gotten past it yet, but we are doing our best to “keep our spirits high” and “keep our children dry”--and songs like this make it easy for me to keep up that state of mind. “all the debts i owe” always makes me think of blake, how he had to leave but maybe he’ll be back one day. i remember listening to that song on the bus to work back in january and february, so captivated by it. i had no idea how the lyrics would soon become so close to me. and then “which way are you goin.” croce will always have relevance in the most unpretentious and poignant manner. 

what a goddamn whirlwind. 2020, the year that no one could have fathomed, the year that we’ll say we barely got through—hell, so many of us didn’t make it at all. and that is unjust. the pandemic made its mark on us all, transformed us all. and i’ll speak to that in a minute. but the conflicts, the war crimes, the ignorance, the unwillingness to listen and compromise and communicate. this year, people strayed far too often into grotesque, violent, and inhumane realities. azerbaijan’s control of artsakh was such a blow for armenians, the result of an awful and unnecessarily (and unjustifiably) violent war. and the western world often glossed over it, and continues to. i unfortunately still remain pretty ignorant on the issue, but it seems easy to see the layers of hatred and disgusting desire for control that have fueled that conflict. nigeria’s protests against sars spoke to the issue of major police brutality that so deeply impacts many cultures, and it’s disheartening, to say the least, that the western world also willfully remained ignorant through it all. it’s so common a grievance, but one that doesn’t seem to change. it doesn’t seem like it can, not unless some major cultural and even psychological reform or rebirth comes about. it’s the same reason i believe in communism, but i don’t believe it’s realistic in this world (although i could change my stance in time). anyway. 2020 threw obstacles like nothing else. obviously, as someone living in the us, i easily get wrapped up just in domestic issues. i’m glad so many movements gained such serious traction in a time when people are often home and are attached to their information sources. it made everything strike more deeply, i think. nothing has resolved, though. resting on laurels will make any prospect of development completely futile. persistence is fundamental.

at the end of the day, a few things stick with me absolutely always, in spite of any hardship. this life is beautiful. it is unmatched. it is authentic, challenging, full of grit and light and purity. it kicks us sometimes, and then it pats us on the back. and it is an honor like absolutely nothing else to be able to be a part of it. i let myself feel bad; it’s part of the human condition and experience, and one that has value. but through it, i never find it hard to keep in mind the grace that the planet has for us. the gratitude overwhelms my entire torso and i cherish it.

“a victory lap through these impossible days”