#we arent going to mention the fact tht i wrote this the day before the collab was due

[sipsteainanxiety]

his perceptive eyes || bkg. k

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 3.2k+

mentions: a collab fic!, other fics can be found here!, hope u enjoy, fluff, slightly older au, a teeny bit angsty, no pronouns r mentioned i think

prompt: ___ is concerned because [name] isn’t sleeping

True fatigue, in your opinion, was something that built up over time, weighing unrelentingly on your body. It would start to snowball from the smallest of things: a few missed hours of sleep from staying up to study for an exam, pushing yourself a bit too far in a training session, waking up too early to do some homework…. They were little things that you tended to overlook, easily brushing off the lack of sleep and forcing yourself to power through the rest of the week so that you could rest on the weekends. However, as time went on you found that this list of bad habits was starting to slowly turn into what seemed like a never-ending sinkhole. One where—should you peer hesitatingly over into the gaping darkness—you would get swallowed up, never to see the light of day again. 

In the beginning, it was manageable. A few cups of coffee in the morning would set you up for the rest of the day, allowing you to keep your eyes open long enough to take in the varying lectures and training exercises. Though, as time went on you found that the overpowering itch behind your eyes from exhaustion could not be satiated by caffeine. And the more you forced yourself to push through the burn, the more you found yourself stalling, stuttering, and crashing. 

On the hardest days, you felt akin to Atlas, forced to carry the weight of the sky upon your shoulders as you barely managed to last through the day. It left you staggering around, legs trembling to hold up this heavy, heavy feeling. But you were in Yuuei for a reason, and if you couldn’t hold up this weight.... then what kind of hero did that make you? 

Sometimes you resented the energy that some of your classmates exuded during the times where your exhaustion hit hardest. They were progressing, everyone was progressing. Everyone except you, it seemed. And you only had yourself to blame. You were trying your best to fix yourself up, you really were, but it was hard and it was steadily getting worse alongside the feeling that you just weren’t good enough for this. So you found yourself staying up just a bit longer, training just a bit harder, until you were going to bed when the sun would just start to poke through your curtained windows. You did your best to hide it, used concealer to cover your drained cheeks and dark eye bags. But some of your classmates had sharp eyes… particularly sharp crimson eyes...

… and he wasn’t going to sit back and watch you run yourself to the ground.

The toughest part of the day was around 12:03 P.M., for this was the time when you felt your tiredness hit you the most. 

With your elbow propped up on your desk, you rested your head on your open palm, drifting in and out of consciousness as Aizawa droned on. It didn’t help that his voice was just so monotonous, making you feel the brunt of your days without sleep. Having your eyes closed also unfortunately brought your awareness to the slight thrumming near your temples; a sign that you were getting a headache. There was nothing you could really do but power through it and hope you could catch a short nap later. Still… there were things that needed to be studied. Moves that needed to be practiced. You couldn’t slack off, not now, and especially not with this being your last year at Yuuei. 

Yes… There was no time to sleep, you internally yelled to yourself, struggling to keep your heavy eyelids from sliding shut even more. Stay awake! Pay attention! Drink some water! Wake up! But you were just too exhausted, and the more you fought against the encroaching darkness, the more you realized you were fighting a losing battle.

Just as you felt yourself slip off into the far recesses of your dreams, your chair lurched forward, making you snap your head up. Blinking rapidly, you tried to process what had happened, only to feel your chair move again. You narrowed your eyes and glanced behind you at Bakugou, who was giving you a nasty sneer, one of his feet propped up on the seat of your chair. 

“Can you not?” you hissed lowly at him, feeling your head throb even more. What the hell did he want from you in the middle of class??

“Move your fat fucking head out of the way,” he growled at you in response, giving your chair another kick. “You keep bobbing up and down like a fucking dumbass.” 

“You—” Before you could respond to him, Aizawa cleared his throat, giving you a pointed look that had you turning back around to slump down in your chair. Great. You rubbed your eyes as Aizawa continued on with the lecture, trying not to let the burn bother you too much. At least Bakugou seemed to lose interest in kicking your chair. 

The bell for lunch could not have come soon enough, and eventually you found yourself dragging yourself through the halls to slump down at the lunch table you sat at. It was empty, seeing that everyone else was grabbing food on the line, but you didn’t care as you buried your head in your arms and tried not to let your headache bother you too much. 

“Are you not going to grab something to eat?” Kirishima’s voice roused you from your light nap as you raised your head to look at him and Bakugou setting their trays down across from you. 

“Nah, I’m not that hungry,” you mumbled as you lazily watched Ashido plop down next to you, Kaminari, Sero, and Jirou soon crowding onto the remaining seats at the table. With your lack of sleep, you found yourself with a diminishing sense of hunger. It definitely wasn’t a good thing, but you couldn’t bring yourself to eat a lot when you weren’t feeling up to it.

“You sure? You look like death.” Ashido frowned as she looked you over, but you waved her off, burying your head in your arms once again.

“Yeah, I had a big breakfast,” you lied, not wanting them to fuss over you for much longer. They seemed to drop it, though there was a small slam on the table that made you flinch slightly. You peeked up from your arms to see Bakugou getting up abruptly, a scowl on his face. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he muttered as he stormed off in a random direction, leaving his friends to sit at the table and stare at each other in bewilderment. 

“I would question that, but I’ve learned not to when it comes to Bakugou.” Sero sweatdropped as he picked at his rice. Jirou nodded her head in agreement. 

“You know,” Kaminari suddenly piped up as he leaned over the table to get a better view of you, “If you’re so tired you could always use my shoulder as a pillow.” A wink punctuated his sentence, but you only rolled your eyes at him. 

“My arms are probably comfier than your bony shoulder,” you replied dryly, pointedly resting your cheek on your crossed arms. Ashido snickered, slapping her hand on Kaminari’s back as he pouted in offense. 

“Have you been getting enough sleep?” Kirishima asked you worriedly as he eyed your slumped form. You turned your head to look at him and he scratched idly at the tiny bit of scruff on his face. “It was kinda surprising that Aizawa didn’t call you out today in class.” Shit, was your exhaustion that obvious? 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” you sighed as you closed your eyes, “Training just has me more tired than usual. It’s fine.” Please don’t ask questions, please don’t ask questions—

Just then, it seemed like Bakugou had returned, for there was another slam on the table near your head. You peeked open an eye, seeing an energy drink sitting on the table. Raising yourself up, you gave Bakugou a confused look as he huffed and crossed his arms, standing right beside you. 

“Drink it.” He glared at you as though you didn’t have a choice. “And don’t fucking complain about paying me back. It’s obvious enough that you’re tired as shit and I don’t want your lazy ass holding us back when we do training exercises later.” With that, he plopped back down onto his seat, shoveling his food in his mouth as he refused to look at anyone. 

You opened and closed your mouth a few times before glancing at Kirishima and Ashido, who each gave you a shrug. While Kaminari started to tease Bakugou about his secret soft side, you sat up straight and opened the can. The liquid inside was cool and refreshing, an involuntary hum leaving your lips as you drank half in one huge gulp. Though you still felt the burn behind your eyelids and the thrumming in your head, you felt just a teeny, tiny bit better. 

You glanced over at Bakugou, only to catch his eyes darting away from you as you set the can down on the table. A small smile pulled at your lips.

Sometimes you found that studying in your room was just as distracting as studying in a food court—except, instead of the loud murmur of conversation falling upon your ears, it was dead silence. Your tired eyes would not be able to focus on the words in front of you, no matter how hard you slapped yourself or pinched at the bags underneath your bottom lashes. The welcoming call of your bed was also too alluring, and you worried that you would resign yourself to sleep when you could be up studying some more. Trying to achieve the high standards you set for yourself when it came to grades. 

So you often resorted to studying downstairs, in the Commons Room. The soothing atmosphere your classmates set with their low conversations somehow enabled you to be able to focus on your work. It kept you aware. Awake… but, as you would soon find out, staying awake was rather hard when you went days without sleep. 

Currently you were sitting at one of the empty tables near the couches, sheets of notes spread out in front of you. A bowl of untouched curry and rice was sat off to the side; Iida had made sure you had your own portion, the saint. A few of your classmates were watching T.V., but most had retired to their rooms for the night. You blinked slowly as you slumped onto your hand, wearily rereading the same paragraph for what felt like hours. Your brain couldn’t process what was in front of it and you had a strong urge to rub your eyes, but you knew to do so would only end in them tearing up. 

As your mind wandered off into the possibility of going to take a cold shower to wake you up more, a chair slid out in front of you. Lifting your head up slightly, you glanced at Bakugou as he plopped down onto the seat, a hard glare on his face. You raised an eyebrow at him, silently prompting him to explain why he was suddenly sitting with you. 

“You haven’t eaten yet,” he said bluntly, pointedly looking at your bowl of food. Before you could open your mouth to tell him you weren’t hungry, he held up his hand. “And don’t fucking say you’re not hungry. You and I both know damn well you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. So what gives?” 

You scratched your head as you shrugged, your headache still throbbing away at your temples. It hadn’t gone away all day, and it was slowly starting to irritate you. “Just not feeling up to eat.” Your voice was small, nearly a whisper. 

Bakugou grunted, pinching the bridge of his nose. “And I’m guessing you’re not feeling up to sleep either?” When you didn’t respond, too busy guiltily looking down at your notes, he leaned forward, his voice harsh. “You think it’s not fucking obvious? You look like shit. Why haven’t you been sleeping?” 

You could only rub at the goosebumps on your arm, suddenly feeling cold. It was cold in here. You offered him another meek shrug, blinking rapidly in the hopes that you could stop the burn, the never-ending burn. Bakugou let out a long-suffering sigh, standing up abruptly and causing his chair to screech backwards. You watched with wide eyes as he snatched up your bowl and gestured to your notes. 

“Get up and pack your shit,” he ordered, his grumpy expression making you do as told. Gathering all the papers into your hands, you followed slowly behind him as he practically stormed to the elevator. His foot tapped against the floor as you waited with him for the doors to open. The trip was silent, and you dared not look at him for too long in case he erupted on you. Once the elevator reopened, he marched down the hall to your room, opening the door and walking inside. You paused just inside your dark room, watching as he set the bowl down at your desk, before turning and grabbing your wrist to pull you over to the mirror that hung on your wall. 

“Look at yourself,” Bakugou said as he stood behind you and gripped your chin to force you to look at the mirror. You bit your lip as you focused on your reflection, nearly not recognizing yourself. Your hair was a scattered mess, combing forgotten in your haste to cram as much studying and training in your day as possible. The bags under your eyes were deeper, darker than you expected. Your cheeks were sunken in, your complexion more sickly than you were used to. Bloodshot eyes stared back at you, itching always itching. Concealer hadn’t done much to cover your exhaustion in the grand scheme of things. 

Your eyes met Bakugou’s in the mirror, his piercing crimson ones unwavering. The room was only lit up by the light coming from the open door, casting shadows over both your faces. It made you look older, more weary. “It’s clear you haven’t been taking care of yourself. It pisses me off. You expect to become a hero if you can’t even handle school?” He let out a scoff. “Give me a fucking break.” 

He let go of your chin to grip at your shoulders, turning you around so that you could look up at him. His expression was still hardened, his frown deep as his eyes trailed over your face. Your hands tightened on the papers you were holding, finding yourself unable to pull away or look at anything other than him. Bakugou exhaled as his voice lowered into a gentle murmur. “I’ll ask this once: what’s wrong?” 

“I just—” You paused as your whispered voice cracked, making you swallow thickly. You lowered your gaze to his collarbones, not finding the strength to look him in the eyes. “My grades… they’ve been slipping. Everything’s just slipping. And I just— I can’t sleep when I can be studying. We graduate in less than a year and I just—” You inhaled deeply, trying not to let the tears gathering in your eyes spill onto your cheeks. “I can’t stop now. I can’t.” That’s not what a hero would do.

Bakugou was silent for a moment, and you could feel his gaze still on you. Blinking rapidly, you glanced up at him through your lashes to see his eyes soften just a smidge, before he sighed again. “You’re a fucking idiot,” he grumbled as he let go of you. “There’s a thing called overstudying. You’re not gonna be able to get your grades up if you don’t fucking sleep in the first place.” 

“But—” Your voice got caught in your throat as he gave you another withering glare, daring you to speak. 

“No. Go sit.” He pointed to your bed. You looked at him warily, but dragged yourself over after plopping your notes onto your desk. Sitting down on your soft bed, you watched as he grabbed the bowl of food and shoved it into your hands. “Eat it. All of it.” When you opened your mouth to protest, he poked you harshly on the forehead. “Not another fucking word.” 

You frowned at him, but started to eat. He plopped down onto your desk chair and rolled closer to your bed, his arms crossed as he observed you as you ate. You hadn’t realized how hungry you actually were until you started to spoon rice into your mouth. It didn’t take long to clean out your bowl, a satisfied sigh escaping your lips as you finally dropped your spoon. 

Bakugou took the bowl from your hands without a word and set it back on your desk. He then turned back to you. “Now sleep.” 

You straightened up, staring at him with wide eyes. “I can’t, I need to—”

“You don’t need to do shit,” he barked at you as he stood up and pushed down on your shoulders so that you were laying on your bed. You tried to struggle against him, but he was much stronger than you. That, or you were just too weakened by your unhealthy habits. “I’m gonna be joining your study and training sessions, no arguing. You’re gonna fucking sleep and do your homework in the morning.”  

“But I—” 

“I swear to god if you don’t shut the fuck up I’ll knock you out!” Bakugou hissed and you paused your argument, knowing he was serious. Reluctantly grumbling to yourself, you settled back down on your bed, staring up at the ceiling as Bakugou tossed your blanket over you and plopped back down on your desk chair. When you turned your head to give him a confused look, he only glared at you. “I’m staying here until you fucking sleep.” 

You frowned at him, but turned your head to look back at the ceiling. Your eyes were burning, your head was hurting, and as you lay in bed in the silence, you found that your muscles were starting to involuntarily loosen. Your eyelids drooped down, a sigh leaving your lips as you burrowed deeper into your blankets. Just a small nap won’t hurt, you told yourself, closing your eyes and finding relief in the darkness. I’ll wake up extra early…. I’ll just… wake up…

Bakugou’s shoulders slumped as he heard a small snore leave your lips, his head shaking at your finally sleeping form. You were fucking stubborn, that was for sure. He stretched his arms as he got up from your chair, and leaned over your form. His hand reached out to brush away some of the hair from your face, his expression softening as your head tilted towards his touch. He sighed again and tucked the blankets closer to your form, then grabbed the empty bowl from your desk. This unhealthy lifestyle you were living would be a bitch to fight against, but Bakugou was always up for a challenge. If he had to be the one to hammer a proper sleep and study schedule into your head, then so be it. You weren’t going to run yourself dry on his damn watch. 

He walked over to your door and glanced back at you once more, seeing you still slumbering away. With the tiniest of smiles he stepped outside, gently closing the door behind him with a click.

[wazm]

kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..