#we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to ask ace something!

[themissingnumbers]

Hey... Professor Maple? You still around? I know most of these places that the cameras are looking at, most of 'em are pretty big landmarks, but I've never heard of a "Glitch City". What's, uh... what's up with that one, boss?

Ace has been contently working on a laptop at the opposite side of the lab- on being addressed, though, they turn around, pulling out the earbuds they'd been using. (Seems they haven't been paying too much attention to your conversation, then....)

"What's that? Glitch City- right, right. That's an interesting one. In fact- very exciting, um..."

"If it works."

They suck in a breath through their teeth, motioning to the monitor showing Cam 01.

"That's the one I personally have been most interested in exploring. See, my other assistant set all these cameras up in those other locations I'd requested, but... This was one I hadn't even been aware of. I tried to ask about it, but I didn't really get any straightforward answers. Just a name for it... The signal is awful- that cam bugs out far more than the others, that I can barely make anything out through the corruption. There's got to be something out there, though... I was hoping you might have better luck finding whatever it is than I have."

BEGINNING | EXPLORATION/PREV | NEXT

[zrtranscripts]

Radio Abel, Season Three

Part 1 of 7

JANINE DE LUCA: Today's announcements again. Residents of Abel and New Canton are to be advised that the curfew remains in place. Any movements after dark will be strictly punished unless accompanied by the relevant authorization.

For New Canton, all odd-numbered housing units are to provide their mandated three personnel for guard duty each night this week. This is excepting Units 13 and 19, which must only provide two guards, in recognition of their recent sacrifices to our common safety.

Abel residents, your assignments have been posted on the noticeboard in the quad. I would recommend that you refresh your memories in the near future, as there will be no lenience for truance.

As always, any travel outside the perimeter of either settlement is forbidden without specific clearance from both your duty commander and your on-shift radio operator. Contravening this rule will result in the immediate forfeiture of citizenship.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

ZOE CRICK: Thank you, Janine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, thanks for that update, Janet.

ZOE CRICK: Uh...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, Zoe, you were telling us all about some house cleaning tips.

ZOE CRICK: Head cleaving tips, yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. So, houses...

ZOE CRICK: Heads, yes. As I'm sure you remember, Phil, I'm a complete novice with this kind of thing. Runner Twenty-Nine, however, has furnished me with some great tips for those of you out on the fences. Her career as a lumberjack means she's got real insight on how to -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh yeah, he's a sight.

ZOE CRICK: Uh... right. Phil, I feel like you're not listening to me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right, listening. I know...

ZOE CRICK: Is there something distracting you, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, yeah, tell me about it.

ZOE CRICK: Why are you staring out of the window?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I just... because they should have been here by now.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God. I know what this is about. Listeners, we'll be right back. I'm going to shut the blinds.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, Zoe, you were telling us all about Runner Twenty-Nine's top tips for smashing skulls.

ZOE CRICK: I was! Thank you, Phil. At the moment, everyone has to spend a lot of time at the fences, beating back the ravening hordes who seem to raven more and more every day.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: So we think it's useful for all of you out there to know how to beat them back without breaking your backs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Oh, very nice!

ZOE CRICK: [nervous laugh] Yeah, thank you. So, our resident expert chopper has provided the following tips.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm.

ZOE CRICK: Firstly, make sure to choose a weapon that's sharp and as heavy as you can lift comfortably.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, sharp, yeah.

ZOE CRICK: Mm. The last thing you want when you're out there for four hours is having to constantly unstick your weapon from a zom's skull.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ooh, no.

ZOE CRICK: Uh, secondly, it's really important to warm up properly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mmm.

ZOE CRICK: If you're not loose and limber before you head out there, you could pull a muscle or something worse, and put yourself out of action for a good long time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Awful, awful.

ZOE CRICK: Thirdly, clothing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, clothing.

ZOE CRICK: Oh dear God, Phil, can you stop agreeing with me for a bloody second? I can't hear myself read, here.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, well, what do you want, Zoe? What is it? First I'm not paying enough attention and distracting you, now I'm paying too much attention and distracting you, so what is it? What do you want?

ZOE CRICK: I'd like you, Mister Cheeseman, to show some judgment about an appropriate level of agreement, you know? Like a professional would?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, don't hang that sword over my head again. We get it. You used to do this for a living, and I was just a student.

ZOE CRICK: [whispers] That is not what this is about, Phil. All I'm asking for is a little bit of -

JACK HOLDEN: [in the distance] Hello! Hello, anyone home?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They're here!

[door opens]

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, hey, guys.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, you lot?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack, Eugene! Bloody hell, it's good to see you! [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: Hello, boys! Welcome to New Canton!

EUGENE WOODS: Uh... time for some music?

[everyone laughs]

ZOE CRICK: I'll put the kettle on.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All righty, citizens! We are back back back, and we are finally all together at last!

ZOE CRICK: Indeed we are, Phil. It's our pleasure to welcome Jack and Eugene to New Canton!

PHIL CHEESEMAN and JACK HOLDEN: Hey!

EUGENE WOODS: It's great to be here, Zoe.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, there's nowhere we'd rather be exiled to than here.

EUGENE WOODS: Jack, we haven't been exiled, we've just been reassigned.

JACK WOODS: Don't tell me you buy all their baloney reasons for sending us out here. They got sick of us!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, Abel has been sending more runners out recently.

ZOE CRICK: And God knows, the zoms are more aggressive than ever.

EUGENE WOODS: Which is why Abel needs the extra comms capacity, and why we very selflessly relinquished our shack and equipment.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now we're all here, broadcasting together in the same space, which is better anyway.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, better if you like sharing mics and having Eugene's crutch in your side, and whatever that smell is.

ZOE CRICK: Phil's making cider.

JACK HOLDEN: Wait, wait, you have cider here? Okay, I am in. After all, a change is as good as a rest, eh, Gene?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, uh, what apples do you have, Phil? Bramley?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no, thank God. They go straight to the kitchens. It's Tom Putts, which is lucky, because no one will eat them.

EUGENE WOODS: Ooh. I look forward to trying that.

ZOE CRICK: I wouldn't get too excited. The last batch was so dry, I wanted to jump into the well.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oi!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, you could probably solve that, Phil, by separating the yeast before it's finished fermenting, and then -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - and leaving some of the sugar in, sure, but it's hard to filter properly with what I have on hand. I tried to get the runners to look for a centrifuge or something when they went out to the hospital, but no.

EUGENE WOODS: Well, you could probably try, um, adding -

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. Listeners, here's a bit of music while these two bore us senseless. Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, my pleasure. Uh, we'll be back right after... [whispers] this is... this is channel, right?

ZOE CRICK: No, that's MiniDisc. This one.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, that.

JACK HOLDEN: So Zoe, uh, what were you guys talking about before we so rudely interrupted you?

ZOE CRICK: We were giving our listeners here at New Canton head smashing tips.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, an old classic!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Indeed. But even more important nowadays, with all the extra zom activity.

JACK HOLDEN: Yes. It's really getting tough out there, isn't it? Our crossing from Abel was interesting. [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: You can say that again! When those zoms burst through those trees – [laughs] I thought we were done.

JACK HOLDEN: Nah, no, no, they did not know who they were messing with. Between Sir Geoffrey and your little, uh, swordy thing -

EUGENE WOODS: It's called a sword.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Right, but yeah, they never stood a chance. We were totally fine, just like the old times. Jack and Gene against the zombie hordes, kicking butts and taking names!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sounds like quite the adventure indeed! The kind of adventure that our listeners have to face everyday while they're defending New Canton from the aforementioned shambling hordes, which is why Zoe's going to give us all of Runner Twenty-Nine's head splitting tips after this musical break.

ZOE CRICK: Wow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: That was definitely the most professional segue you've ever made. I'm impressed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, shush. Stick on a track, would you? [whispers] And thanks.

EUGENE WOODS: I hope you guys all enjoyed that. Now here's Zoe Crick to give you all some tips on dealing with those pesky zoms.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Hey, Phil, why don't you take over?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this a test?

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A test? To see if I was listening before?

ZOE CRICK: No, Phil, this is not a test.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Well, I would have aced it. Check this out:

For all the citizens who are just joining, here's a quick recap of Runner Twenty-Nine's tips for zombie disposal so far. For your weapon: sharp and heavy! Always make sure to warm up before you start! 

For clothing, there are two schools of thought: either loose and comfortable to provide freedom of movement, or well-fitting to prevent you getting snagged or grabbed. The choice, citizens, is yours.

Next, we need to talk about gloves. Some will prepare to use them to minimize – [JACK HOLDEN laughs] Hey!

EUGENE WOODS: Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: I'm sorry - his hands!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

JACK HOLDEN: His hands! They're so flappy!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh - !

EUGENE WOODS: What are you talking about?

JACK HOLDEN: Look at his hands. When he's talking, they're all flappy, and -

EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah! [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, it's for emphasis! All the best radio hosts do it. It helps you direct the flow of your delivery.

ZOE CRICK: It looks like you're trying to conduct an orchestra. [JACK HOLDEN laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: No no, it's like he's waving away a swarm of flies. [ZOE CRICK laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It's just my style, and I don't think it's particularly polite to start laughing at it and throw me off my game!

EUGENE WOODS: I don't know, it's pretty funny.

JACK HOLDEN: No no no, you're right, Phil. I'm sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: Me too.

ZOE CRICK: Philharmonic.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey -

EUGENE WOODS: What?

ZOE CRICK: That's what he looks like. Like he's conducting the Philharmonic. [laughs] "Phil." [laughs] "Phil"-harmonic, get it?

[JACK HOLDEN clears throat]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, Jack, do you want to - ?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I haven't heard that one in ages!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

JACK HOLDEN: It's weird though, isn't it?

ZOE CRICK: What? How you "Phil"-istines didn't like my joke?

EUGENE WOODS: [groans] Oh God, that's even worse than the first one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How long have you been preparing that?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, not long.

JACK HOLDEN: But no, I mean, like... it's weird how we've been broadcasting together all this time, but we've never actually seen each other before.

ZOE CRICK: I see what you mean. I certainly didn't expect you to have such... powerful hair.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] And what exactly do you mean by that?

ZOE CRICK: Just that it's very... well, you know...

EUGENE WOODS: I think Zoe's trying to say you have a very uh... unique style.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ginger! They mean you're a bloody ginger.

JACK HOLDEN: Am I? Bloody hell, what? I've never noticed before. Thanks, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, you're welcome. I do know what you mean, though. It's weird, seeing Eugene's, um...

EUGENE WOODS: My what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, tattoos. Your tattoos.

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, yeah. I notice you sporting some yourself, Zoe. What is that, a rose?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, for my mom. [laughs] She didn't want me getting tattoos, but I thought if my first one were for her, she'd have less of an issue with it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did it work?

ZOE CRICK: No. She went mad. [PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs] Ran me out of the house. Don't think she forgave me until I went off to uni. [laughs] Still, I'm glad I've got it now. Not that I'd ever forget her, but uh, it's nice to see her whenever I check the time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And your peace sign, don't forget about that.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God, Phil, really?

JACK HOLDEN: What? Is it like one of those Chinese characters that doesn't really mean what you think it means?

ZOE CRICK: Not exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just show them, Zo. They'll see it eventually.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine, fine. [clothing rustles]

[EUGENE WOODS laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: What? I don't get it.

EUGENE WOODS: Amazing!

JACK HOLDEN: I don't get it.

EUGENE WOODS: That, my dear Jack, is the Starfleet symbol from the hit television and movie franchise Star Trek. [laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Oh!

ZOE CRICK: I'd never... I wasn't really into that stuff, so yeah, I thought I'd made it up. Obviously I'd just seen it on TV or something.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And you called me a nerd for not having any tattoos.

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. Very good, I'm a big nerd. Play a song, would you?

ZOE CRICK: All right, well, I've shared mine. Eugene, tell us about some of your tattoos.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh God, I don't know where to start.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I know my favorite.

EUGENE WOODS: This is a family show, Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, spoilsport! [mutters] You know I like the way you -

EUGENE WOODS: Shh!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, um... what about that one, Eugene, on your shoulder?

EUGENE WOODS: This guy? Yeah, that's a line from a Velvet Underground song.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, let me see!

EUGENE WOODS: Hang on, let me -

JACK HOLDEN: Ow! Watch it!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Cool! "All Tomorrow's Parties", right?

EUGENE WOODS: Bingo. This is actually a good one, though. I got this when I went away for the weekend to Vancouver with my first serious girlfriend.

JACK HOLDEN: Hannah.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. We were drinking at this bar, uh, The Six Acres, talking about how we wanted to remember the trip, and I'd been thinking about a tattoo for a while, and then this song comes on, and -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "All Tomorrow's Parties".

EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. And we both loved the song, so we just decide, there and then, "Let's get tattoos." I got this line, Hannah got the next line.

ZOE CRICK: Aww, that's cute.

EUGENE WOODS: It's actually one of only two tattoos I got while drunk.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Oh God, not the shippo.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What's a shippo?

JACK HOLDEN: Don't ask. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: No, I'm curious now. What's a shippo, Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS It's a – remember, I was really, really drunk when I got this one -

JACK HOLDEN: Blind drunk. You must have been blind drunk.

EUGENE WOODS: I was blind drunk when I got this. But a shippo's... well, it's a ship crossed with a hippo. A shippo.

JACK HOLDEN: A pink shippo.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, now I have to see this.

EUGENE WOODS: Here, I'll draw you a picture.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why? Why can't you just show it to us? [laughs] Oh, is it somewhere private?

JACK HOLDEN: No, it's uh... never mind, let's just -

EUGENE WOODS: It's on my left calf.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Uh... uh, right. Okay, uh, sorry. I didn't -

ZOE CRICK: What Phil is trying to stammer is that this is probably too visual for radio. Uh, so, we'll take a break while Eugene does us a drawing. We'll be right back.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I see.

ZOE CRICK: So that's the - ?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, the prow.

[JACK HOLDEN laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But also the head. Right.

ZOE CRICK: Well, there's got to be a good story behind that, right?

EUGENE WOODS: Actually, it's pretty run of the mill. I got drunk with a friend of mine who owned a tattoo gun, decided the idea of a shippo was the funniest thing in the world. A couple of hours later, boom! Shippo tattoo.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, it's not exactly "making memories with the first serious girlfriend" territory.

EUGENE WOODS: No. Well, you know. That guy's long gone now, and uh, to tell you the truth, I do kind of miss that stupid shippo tattoo.

JACK HOLDEN: Eugene, don't. Don't -

EUGENE WOODS: No, it's okay. It's... it's been a while, Jack. It wasn't my fault, we weren't to know, but look... if I hadn't insisted on lighting that fire -

JACK HOLDEN: We were freezing, Gene. We needed to stay warm.

EUGENE WOODS: I know, I know. It's fine. I just... just let me tell it, okay?

JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Fine, okay.

EUGENE WOODS: So, [sighs] I insisted we light this fire, because we were freezing. We were on the road. The guys we were travelling with – Shawn and his friends – they had thermal blankets and sleeping bags and so on, but not enough. We didn't know -

JACK HOLDEN: We couldn't have known, Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: No. But the fire, it caught the attention of someone nearby, and well, it doesn't take long after a disaster for people to start turning on each other to survive. One minute, we're thawing out, heating up some beans or something for dinner, and then -

JACK HOLDEN: We did everything we could.

EUGENE WOODS: Not enough! Shawn and... they were on the wrong side of the fire, and it... it happened so quickly. We managed to... Jack was on his feet right away, and we knocked out a couple of them, and...

JACK HOLDEN: It's okay, Gene. You don't have to tell it, it's okay.

EUGENE WOODS: It... I was stupid. I wanted to tie them up. I couldn't face the other option. But one of them still had a knife on him. He... it went straight through my boot, straight through, and uh...

JACK HOLDEN: It's okay.

EUGENE WOODS: And that was that. I don't know, I... I don't remember a lot after that.

ZOE CRICK: God, Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Jack helped me walk for a while until the infection spread, and then he carried me for a while. [clears throat] So somewhere out there in some rickety little barn, there's still a leg with a shippo on it.

JACK HOLDEN: Gene.

[subdued laughter]

EUGENE WOODS: What, uh, too soon?

JACK HOLDEN: Too soon. Way too soon. Anyway, you know I buried it.

[everyone laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: And then! Then he says, "I ain't not been around here for no time, douche!" [laughs] And I just -

JACK HOLDEN: We can't figure out what the hell – what he's trying to say, and he's pointing this um, shotgun at us.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] This little kid! Maybe eight years old, and this huge gun, no bullets -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, boom! We're back!

EUGENE WOODS: We're back. [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, welcome back, citizens! Eugene and Jack have just been regaling us with some stories from their time on the road, and well, as you can hear, they're really rather amusing.

ZOE CRICK: "Ain't not been around here." [laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: He was so small!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um, Jack, maybe there's a story you can share with our listeners while we're on the topic?

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah! Tell the one about the cow.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh no no no, what about the mystery van?

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh yeah, that's a good one. Uh, so, so there's this um -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I uh, I need a comfort break.

JACK HOLDEN: All right. Music break then?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Right back after this.

ZOE CRICK: Hello, listeners. Now we're just waiting for Phil to return from getting more comfortable [laughs] so I'll just tell you a little bit more about the song we just heard. I bet you didn't know that it was actually written in response to -

[door opens]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry, sorry, sorry.

ZOE CRICK: The prodigal son returns. All better?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Thank you. Uh, there was a bit of a queue, but all sorted now.

ZOE CRICK: Good! So, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, right. Yeah, um, story. Uh...

EUGENE WOODS: Mystery van?

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, yeah, yeah. Right, right. [clears throat] So, we're on the road up north -

EUGENE WOODS: Still on our own, at this point.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this is when we're still on our own, and we've stopped for the night in this old house up on a hill. Pretty safe place, wasn't too badly damaged. Cushiony. And I'm settling down to sleep -

EUGENE WOODS: I was on first watch.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, anyway. Um, now I've been asleep a little while when Gene wakes me up and he points out the window, and we see this van driving up the hill towards the house.

EUGENE WOODS: And you have to remember, this was pretty soon after the outbreak, but you still didn't know who you could or couldn't trust, so we're instantly like, on high alert.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. So we're crouching there by the window. I've got W.G., Gene has his pipe, and we're watching and waiting to see what happens next. After a minute, the van stops outside the house and four people get out.

EUGENE WOODS: Two guys and two girls.

JACK HOLDEN: Right. A guy with short blonde hair, kind of posh-looking, a long-haired brunette girl, a scruffy-looking guy, and a shorter girl with a bob.

EUGENE WOODS: And then – like, we are seriously not making this up -

JACK HOLDEN: A bloody Great Dane gets out of the back of the van with the scruffy guy!

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Unbelievable!

JACK HOLDEN: Totally impossible to process, but we're still, you know – we don't know these people, they could be trouble.

EUGENE WOODS: So we're looking around the room, wondering if we can defend it if it comes to that, and the odds really aren't looking good -

JACK HOLDEN: But then I get this idea, and I pull my T-shirt up over my face so only my eyes are visible, and I press my face right up against the window, and I point my torch under my chin.

EUGENE WOODS: He looked terrifying!

JACK HOLDEN: And the scruffy guy catches sight of me, and points at the rest of them, like, they would all just instantly kak themselves, like -

EUGENE WOODS: Like they'd seen a ghost!

JACK HOLDEN: Exactly! Now, I swear their hair actually stood on end, like in a cartoon.

EUGENE WOODS: Honestly, eyes popping out on stalks, and everything. Right back in the van, off they go, and we have a trouble-free night's sleep.

JACK HOLDEN: I would have felt bad about it, but I'm pretty sure they were going to murder us in our sleep and steal all our stuff.

ZOE CRICK: They would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky kids!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, very good.

[JACK imitates Scooby Doo's laugh, everyone laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, Jack, your mystery van encounter's reminded me of something that happened to me in my wilderness days.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, really?

ZOE CRICK: Let me guess – you figured out a way to make tea without needing a fire.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I uh -

EUGENE WOODS: Ooh ooh ooh, you found a stash of old crosswords and spent two weeks solving them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no -

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, you took a jumper out of a tree and it fit perfectly! What? That happened to me once.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, but that was your jumper.

JACK HOLDEN: Still.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're all wrong, I'm afraid. I was actually thinking about the time I helped this nice old couple secure their house.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I was passing through this small village – it was mostly deserted – and I was looking for supplies. You remember how it was back in the early days? You didn't have to look too far to stock up, so you could travel much lighter.

Anyway, as I was walking through town, I heard hammering, and it turned out to be this nice older gentleman trying to board up his windows, and build a fence around his house. 

He was pretty suspicious of me at first, but after I offered him some of the Earl Grey I found, he soon relaxed, we had a cuppa, and then it was all lovely. And I stayed with them a few days, helped them build some fences, fight off a horde or two, lay in some supplies, and generally get set up.

ZOE CRICK: Sounds nice. Why didn't you stay?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, well, here's the thing: the house was haunted.

JACK HOLDEN: Wait, what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The house. It was haunted by the couple's daughter who'd turned a week or two earlier.

EUGENE WOODS: You're... you're joking, right?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no! I never believed in this stuff either, but every night I stayed there, I heard her! This moaning, wailing sound from down in the cellar. There was scratching at the door. I asked about it, and they told me it was her ghost.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, you don't think it might just have been her? [laughs] You know, gone gray?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Oh. That's... that's not such a nice story anymore.

EUGENE WOODS: No. No, it isn't. Maybe... maybe we should take a break.

JACK HOLDEN: I think that's a good idea.

EUGENE WOODS: All right, if we're doing this big catch up, here's something I've always wondered about, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I remember you saying that you've never killed a zom?

ZOE CRICK: Yup. That's true. Not really my style.

EUGENE WOODS: Right, but – so here's my question: how? You had to travel like the rest of us. We could barely make it five miles without having to whip out the old bat pipe combo.

ZOE CRICK: Aha, well [laughs] therein lies a tale. I was looking after my sister's kids on day one. She was working out of town for a week. We waited as long as we could, but well, I had to try to keep the kids safe, you know. So the four of us set off to the old air base just out of town.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah yes, the old military base safe zone move. Popular one, that, at the start at least. Seems like that was everyone's first thought.

ZOE CRICK: Well, Phil [laughs] I'm sorry my apocalypse survival plan wasn't original enough for you, but I had three kids to worry about, and I decided to take my usual approach of hiding behind the biggest kid in the playground until the bullies go away.

JACK HOLDEN: Sensible. Eugene's certainly been my human shield on several occasions.

EUGENE WOODS: I don't think it counts when you're hiding from spiders.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, it definitely freaking counts. Spiders are terrifying.

ZOE CRICK: Anyway, I could imagine what the scene would be like on the roads with all those people trying to get out of town, what people might end up doing to each other, and I didn't want the kids to see that. So we mostly stuck to backroads, crossing fields, you know. Staying out of sight, avoiding everyone we saw.

And if there were ever zoms in our path, well, I didn't trust that I could keep the kids safe if we had a direct confrontation, so we just stuck to our plan: stay hidden, throw things to distract them. It's amazing how much noise you can make with a well-aimed rock thrown at a car window.

JACK HOLDEN: And you made it to the base?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I was surprised, actually. There were so many close calls, so many moments of terror. Those 15 miles seemed like 200. But yeah, we made it without major incident, except for Sean spraining his wrist.

EUGENE WOODS: So what happened?

ZOE CRICK: We uh, well, we were lucky. We got there ahead of the major rush. The base wasn't locked down yet, thank God.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I heard a lot of stories about folk arriving, only to be turned back out into the night. Then people getting angry, soldiers having no choice but to...

EUGENE WOODS: Like at Powerton Heath. Sorry, Zoe, go on.

ZOE CRICK: No problem. They'd set up a field hospital outside the fences. One of the medics saw to Sean's wrist, and I begged him to take us in. He refused. They were already preparing to lock down the base, he said. I begged, offered him everything I had. Then his commander came over - some woman I'll never be able to repay – said take the kids. I... it was hard to say goodbye. But I just wanted them to be safe.

After that, I kept moving north, and the habit just sort of stuck. Stay out of sight, stay away from big roads or buildings or anything. The journey wasn't easy, but if you're careful, you don't need to fight.

JACK HOLDEN: And the kids, are they - ?

ZOE CRICK: They're fine. [laughs] Lucy's nearly 12, now. We get to Rofflenet every now and then. I hope... I hope I'll get to see them again when this is all over, and I hope they're listening now. I love you, kids. This song's for you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, citizens. To follow on from her earlier story, Zoe's now going to furnish us with some tips on how to avoid those pesky zoms while you're out there in the wild. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert or anything, but here are some things that helped me.

Firstly, you want to be as quiet as you can while you're moving around. That means you want soft, flexible shoes. That means you want to make sure you're not carrying things that can clank or rustle or jangle. If there's stuff you need that's metal, you'll need to wrap it in an old shirt or a rag. That also means cord or leather trousers are an absolute no-no.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, well, that's most of Eugene's wardrobe out.

EUGENE WOODS: Hey! You know you love me in my leathers.

JACK HOLDEN: Easy, tiger!

ZOE CRICK: All right, boys, simmer down. [laughs]

The second thing you want is a pocket full of stones. Just collect them as you're walking, as you'll find them when you need them. They're invaluable when there are zoms in your path that you just can't avoid. Most places, there's going to be something you could throw the stones at to make some noise. I'm talking metal, I'm talking glass, I'm talking trees if nothing else presents itself. A couple of decent throws, and you can lead these guys anywhere you want them to go.

And finally, the best thing you can learn is patience. If there's a group you don't want to face and can't distract, wait. Everything moves on eventually. And if you can't find somewhere safe to wait, look for a different route. The country is huge, and there are many paths to take. If you can find a less dangerous way to get where you're going, why wouldn't you take it? Better live cautiously than die heroically, in my book.

And that's how you get from A to B without needing to get your hands dirty.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great. Thanks, Zoe. We'll be back right after this.

EUGENE WOODS: Hey Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah?

EUGENE WOODS: What kind of cheese would I eat if I was a zombie?

JACK HOLDEN: I don't know, Eugene. What kind of cheese would you eat if you were a zombie?

EUGENE WOODS: Hollow-me.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN groans]

ZOE CRICK: That's awful!

EUGENE WOODS: Get it? Because "hollow" like dead, and -

JACK HOLDEN: Stop. Just stop.

EUGENE WOODS: Hey, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Yes, Eugene?

JACK HOLDEN: Just ignore him, he'll stop.

EUGENE WOODS: No, no. Phil? Phil? ... Phil!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What, what? Okay, fine, fine. What?

EUGENE WOODS: What kind of cheese does a zombie like best?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [groans] I don't know, Eugene. What kind of cheese does a zombie like best?

EUGENE WOODS: Dedder.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs]

ZOE CRICK: I'm done. That's it. I quit. I'm out.

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, now listen, guys. I want to apologize for my acorny jokes. I know there's been an Abondance of them lately, and they haven't been very Gouda. But from now on, I'll proceed Caerphilly and guarantee they'll be all feta. Feta, better? No, no. Okay, I suppose there's no Brie-sing some people. [laughs] Anyway, ricotta get on with it. Yeah?

ZOE CRICK: Please stop. Make it stop!

EUGENE WOODS: What does a dairy policeman use to subdue you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don't care.

EUGENE WOODS: His Tronchon. How many cheeses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Tommes many. [laughs] Did you hear about the new fast food joint? They only serve cheese. It's called Jarlsberg-er King.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, all right, all right, that's enough. I'm out. [door opens] Look, just come and get me when you're finished.

EUGENE WOODS: No, wait! Wait, wait, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm done! Wow, I didn't think you guys gave so much of [?] about this stuff! [laughs] Okay? Okay, sorry, Comte back! I''m done. No, seriously, I promise. No Murol.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, enough. [door opens and closes]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh. They've schloss-ed it. Mozzarella got under their skin? [laughs] I think my career here is finn-ished, to be honest. I've exposed myself for the Muenster that I am! [laughs] Okay. That's it. Really! No, honestly. [opens door] Guys? Guys, I'm done! Oops. I think I Fontainebleau-ed it.

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, Phil, you want to do the honors?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, do you mind?

EUGENE WOODS: Be my guest.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet! I've always loved this kind of thing.

ZOE CRICK: Surprise, surprise. You going to give us your sermon on community involvement again?

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I liked that speech. What was it? "We're the voice of the community, and what is a community without a voice?"

ZOE CRICK: "Without the involvment of its members?"

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. Oh man, sent shivers up my spine, that did.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Jack, but you're sort of spoiling my intro, here.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: As you were saying, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: As I was saying – Cablers! We've been delighted to receive an ever-increasing number of recordings, transmissions, and – oh, do we still get phone calls?

EUGENE WOODS: We do, if you count that piece of string with the cans on it that Jody ran from her house to ours while we were still at Abel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. So, an ever-increasing number of recordings, transmissions, and tin can calls have been coming in, so we're getting back into our old habits, and we're going to start broadcasting our favorites in a reborn feature we're now calling, "Cable Connections."

ZOE CRICK: That's Phil's name, as if you couldn't guess.

JACK HOLDEN: And we'll be right back with our first set of messages. Don't go anywhere, guys!

EUGENE WOODS: Now, we wanted to start off on a lighter note, so our first couple of messages here are from some of our younger listeners.

ZOE CRICK: That's right, Eugene. We don't get too many of these, but we always love to hear from the kids out there, and we really hope they enjoy hearing themselves on the radio!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I always wanted to be on the radio when I was little.

JACK HOLDEN: Aww. So, we're fulfilling a childhood fantasy right now?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I'm not sure my dream studio was quite so... stuffy.

EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, here we go! First up, we have a message from Chloe.

CHLOE: Hi, I'm Chloe from Abel Township. I just wanted to say thank you for keeping us supplied and safe. You keep safe, too! Bye.

JACK HOLDEN: Aww, thanks so much for your message, Chloe. I'm glad we're keeping you safe and entertained.

ZOE CRICK: And make sure you give Jack and Eugene a big high five if you ever see them back at Abel again, okay?

EUGENE WOODS: We do give pretty good high fives. And hopefully, we'll be back there soon.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our next message is from an anonymous young man who has a story to tell us about zombies on escalators.

CALLER: We were going to the mall, and we were buying some clothes, and then we saw some zombies going up the escalator, um, and looking for us, and I don't know, but I did see some tripping on the escalators, and they were falling down the whole thing, on the down one, especially. I saw one, they just got into the, well, the bottom of the escalator where the pieces work, and I saw that zombie getting squished! Yeesh, I'm glad I'm not him in these days.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I think I'm going to be ill.

EUGENE WOODS: I have to say, listener, you're much braver than we are. If we were in a mall, and came across a horde of zoms on an escalator, we'd be three states away before you could say "squished."

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Amen to that, Eugene. You're obviously one tough cookie. Whoever you're with now is lucky to have you. You're sure to keep them safe.

ZOE CRICK: And with that, we're going to have to take a short break. We'll be back with more messages from our lovely listeners shortly.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, listeners. Now, I'm afraid I have some sad news today.

ZOE CRICK: Aww. Don't tell me – you lost your favorite pair of socks.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh Zoe, that's sweet.

ZOE CRICK: What?

EUGENE WOODS: That you think he even owns a single pair of matching socks.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey! That, Eugene, is a case in point for what I am about to say.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, Jack, we're all on tender hooks.

ZOE CRICK: It's tenterhooks, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Whatever!

JACK HOLDEN: Anyway, look, I have an announcement. Eugene, I'm replacing you.

EUGENE WOODS: What?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, you're too mean to me! And all our listeners have noticed, so I'm replacing you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're kidding!

JACK HOLDEN: I've already found someone else!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you can't - ! You're... you're Jack and Eugene.

JACK HOLDEN: Sorry, Gene. I've made my decision.

EUGENE WOODS: I... I understand. I'll get my things.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh.

ZOE CRICK: And there it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're joking.

ZOE CRICK: The penny drops. 10 points to Hufflepuff.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hufflepuff?! I'm Ravenclaw at least.

ZOE CRICK: In your dreams, Cheeseman. So, Jack, what was your clearly too subtle joke all about, then?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, Zoe, thanks for asking. We've had some more messages from our listeners.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, fun!

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Fun.

EUGENE WOODS: And our first listener is gunning for my job, to which I say, do your worst. I won't go down without a fight, my friend.

JACK HOLDEN: He's pretty keen, Gene. And he won't be so terribly mean to me.

EUGENE WOODS: I am a monster.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I live in constant fear of the full moon.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] All right, all right, let's just have a listen, shall we?

JACK HOLDEN: Here we go. This is Carlos Contreras, auditioning for Radio Abel.

[epic news music]

CARLOS: Hello, Radio Abel! Carlos Contreras here with my 60 second radio audition reel. Here's hoping that I get the gig! [fanfare sound effect] As you can probably tell, I'm not from these parts. I was vacationing from across the pond when I got caught in the zombie apocalpyse, and I've got to tell you, not a single person so far has called me gov'na, or guv, or said "pip pip." 

Still, some of the stereotypes have proven to be accurate. I mean, some of the dental work on the people in Abel are pretty nasty. I've seen better grills on some of the zombies, if you know what I'm saying. Ouch!

Sorry, sorry. Anyway, as you can see, I bring my own sound effects from America, and everyone knows that the best kind of sound effects and comedy comes from America. [applause sound effect] Yeah, thank you. Thank you! 

I don't just play the classics like uh, "Zombie" from The Cranberries, "The End of the World As We Know It" by R.E.M., or "Canada's Really Big". I also do the news and the weather. [Morse code beeps sound effect] Our five day forecast: Monday's going to be grim, Tuesday is going to be grim, leading into the weekend where there's a 60% chance of sunshine and a 100% chance of grim.

That's me in a nutshell! Let me give you a little outro so you can get a taste of what I can do. This is Carlos Contreras on Radio Abel, signing out. Coming up next is Jamie Skeet who will be taking your calls about love and interpersonal relationships. Ciao! [kiss sound effect]

ZOE CRICK: Oh Lord! I used to work with a guy like that. He had the breakfast show before mine. Every morning with the sound effects and the quote unquote "witty banter." I don't think I've ever wanted to break someone's mic quite that much. Well, except Phil's.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!

JACK HOLDEN: I love it!

EUGENE WOODS: Of course you do.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, he's hilarious!

ZOE CRICK: Are you serious?

JACK HOLDEN: He's great! That's what we're missing in today's world: proper honest-to-God drive time radio. Fast-talking, quick-witted, no punches pulled hosting. I love it.

EUGENE WOODS: And while Jack continues to extol Carlos' virtues, here's a song for everyone out there.

EUGENE WOODS: All right, Zoe, you said you had a favorite call you wanted to play for us.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I do. And it's a question from a listener that requires Phil's expertise in particular.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? Interesting. I didn't know you thought I had any expertise at all, Zo. Other than annoying you, that is.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, don't forget the stand-up.

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah, better not forget the stand-up.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it anything in particular? Do I need to prepare anything? Is it about gardening?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, just play the clip, would you? Before he has a heart attack!

ZOE CRICK: All right, here we go.

CALLER: Hi, Radio New Tomorrow! Long time listener, first time caller, and I've got a message for Phil. You don't know me, Phil, but I know you. I feel we've really made a connection over the last few months of you being on air, you know? [sighs] I think we belong together.

I live a few hours away, but if we got married, I could move to New Canton, right? I think that's how immigration works these days. I know you want a traditional wedding, so I could bring my mother's wedding dress. It's in the attic. She's still in the wedding dress, but I'm sure that's not a problem for you.

I would be a really good wife to you, Phil. I mean, I already know how much you dislike change and how well you play chess. Now, I brew my tea for exactly two minutes and fifteen seconds, but I don't think that's a death knell for our relationship! As long as we don't share a pot, we'll be able to get through this. Please, Phil, let me be the love of your life! Let me be the cracker to your Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I... um...

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Oh my God, you should see his face!

JACK HOLDEN: "Cracker to his Cheeseman." [laughs] That's nice! I thought she was sweet.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I...

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] He looks like he's been shot!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, because you're such a famously good judge of character, aren't you, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I picked you, didn't I?

EUGENE WOODS: My point exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um...

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] He's gone bright red! Oh, listeners, I wish you could see this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat] Listener, I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry that Zoe used your very thoughtful message as a way to play a trick on me. That wasn't fair, and it wasn't very nice.

I'm also sorry because I'm afraid I don't have any interest in marrying you. You sound like a very nice person, but I can't reciprocate your romantic feelings. I hope you understand.

Uh, I also hope that you will give your mother a proper burial, and allow yourself to grieve. This is a difficult time for us all, and we must give ourselves the time and space to heal as much as we can.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, I...  

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think it's time for a song, now. Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, yeah, of course. Listener, this one's for you. Have a cup of tea on us.

JACK HOLDEN: And now it's time for one of my favorite segments.

EUGENE WOODS: Mainly because you love the name.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, true. It's mostly because I love the name. It's time for – drum roll, please.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, uh... buddabuddabuddabudda... [imitates cymbal crash]

JACK HOLDEN: ... yeah, thanks, Phil. Uh, it's time for Z-Bay!

ZOE CRICK: In case you've forgotten, that's our not-quite-regular feature where we play your adverts, exposing your unrealistic expectations and desires to the world at large.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's a pretty cynical point of view, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: I'm sorry, have we met?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, hardy har har.

EUGENE WOODS: Zoe's pessimism aside, we love this feature because it's all about making our lives a little bit better – a home comfort here, a vital service there – it all helps. So pay attention to the following messages, and be sure to get in touch if you think you can help anyone out.

JACK HOLDEN: First up, here's Holly, who's looking for some new glasses.

HOLLY: Hi. Would anyone happen to have an extra pair of glasses? -1.75 for the right, and -2.5 for the left. I know this is a long shot, but I'll even take half a pair if half the prescription matches. I have a few kid's books and an extra radio to trade. Ask for Holly at the Phoenix Comics settlement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, before we take a short break, here's another message from Holly, on behalf of Main Stewart's Mending and Sewing House.

HOLLY: Did you rip your shirt on a branch during your last jog? Does your outfit make you look like a zombie? Need a plush zom for your kid, or a flag to wave to show your pride of surviving the apocalpyse? Come to Main Stewart's Mending and Sewing House, located just a few short miles north of New Canton. Trades for food, water, and clean, unbloodstained fabric accepted.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Next up, we've got Lizzie, who's looking for some vegemite, for some reason.

ZOE CRICK: Not a fan, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Absolutely not, it's horrid stuff.

ZOE CRICK: Well, Lizzie would disagree, I'm sure. Let's take a listen.

LIZZIE: Hi, it's Lizzie. Can you please broadcast this? If anyone – anyone! - comes across vegemite on their travels, I will be eternally grateful. I might never make it back to Australia, but maybe I can still have the taste that reminds me of home. So please get in touch. And before you mention it, marmite is not the same thing.

EUGENE WOODS: Thank you, Lizzie! I really hope someone can hook you up.

JACK HOLDEN: Now, here's a job tip for any of you runners out there who aren't already being worked to death by our benevolent overlords.

CALLER: Hey, Jack and Eugene. I just wanted to leave a job tip for your listeners. There's another team of runners about 20 miles away that is looking for new runners for a job. They want to look into every house and pick up photo albums, yearbooks, or any photographic evidence of the time before the outbreak. They plan on creating a memorial filled with all of the pictures. I think it's brilliant, and I do hope there are runners available to make the 20 mile trek to help out. They will really appreciate it. Take care, and stay safe!

EUGENE WOODS: This is a great one, so if you want to help preserve our history and you've still got some soles on your shoes, you've got your orders. We'll be back after this.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, guys, our next Z-Bay message is from Kirsty, who's looking for people with big hearts and safe homes.

KIRSTY: Hello, Radio Cabel. My name's Kirsty. I'm calling on behalf of some feline friends of mine: Oscar, Mabel, Peony, and Nibbles. They're all littermates who I rescued after their mother was tragically eaten. We had some teething troubles at first – with Nibbles in particular finding eating difficult until he got used to his new home – but we're all healthy and happy now, and looking for forever homes!

So, Radio Cabel, I hope you can help us all find a new place to live and be happy with some loving and caring people. We're good play friends, loyal and loving, and really really fuzzy! Thank you in advance for your help.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow. That lady sounds -

ZOE CRICK: Do we have her address?

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, she sent in some contact information as well, yeah.

ZOE CRICK: Listeners, ignore Kirsty's message. Those kittens are already going to a loving home.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh God. No, you can't -

ZOE CRICK: Those kittens are already going to a loving home, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But -

ZOE CRICK: Thanks for your message, Kirsty. We'll be in touch.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, everyone, we're back with our last couple of Z-Bay adverts. First up, here's Melissa, who wants to put pedal to the metal to help you out.

MELISSA: I want to let your listeners know that if they need anything delivered or picked up in a 30 kilometer area – or even further if there's still a decent road there – to contact Melissa at Abel Township.

We rely on our runners so much, but there are some times when they are busy with important runs, or we need something that's too far away, or maybe you just don't want to take them away from their important duties for something that's personal.

And that's when I can help. In trade, I'm looking for bike parts and tools. Chains and tires in particular, but anything at all would help. Thank you.

EUGENE WOODS: You know what, I might send Melissa out myself.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah? What for?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I don't know... knick knacks? Peanut butter? Shreddies? Maybe a new pair of crutches!

JACK HOLDEN: What's wrong with the crutches you have?

EUGENE WOODS: They're broken!

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I prefer the term "unique fixer-upper opportunity."

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, it's more like unique falling on your ass opportunity.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, then. Uh, Melissa, expect a call soon. Uh, what's next, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, here's Avery and Kate looking for help on an ongoing project of theirs.

AVERY: Hi, guys. My name is Avery, and my girlfriend and I are huge fans of the show. We think you guys are doing really valuable work – you know, getting information out there to people – and it's been a big reason why we're doing what we're doing. So we were kind of hoping that you would be able to help us out here.

Basically, we've been working on a documentary. We've been travelling around for the past year or so, collecting peoples' stories about what their lives have been like post-outbreak. You know, it's really important that we document this stuff. Unfortunately, we're just about out of space for footage. We are down to our last USB stick, so if anybody out there has uh, access to SD cards or hard drives they'd be willing to trade for uh, basic medical supplies, we would be really grateful.

Um, we used to have a good thing going with the Skoobs settlement, but you know, for obvious reasons that's not really viable for us anymore, so yeah. Please get in touch. Uh, Katie, you want to say anything?

KATIE: [whispers] Uh, no. [laughs]

AVERY: No? [laughs] Okay. All right, thanks, guys.

KATIE: Thanks!

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks for all your messages, listeners. Z-Bay, Phil, would not survive without your contributions, so don't forget to get in touch if you think you can help any of these guys out.

EUGENE WOODS: That last message is also relevant to a little project Zoe and I have been working on recently. Zoe, you want to explain?

ZOE CRICK: Sure thing, Eugene, but how about a song beforehand?

EUGENE WOODS: Sounds good to me.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, here we go. This one goes out to all our Z-Bay contributors.