#we spent the day running very frustrating errands (I am trying very hard to remind myself they were not all pointless

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: January 4

"You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by Offspring

[seemasubash]

Com’PET’ability.

She was a rescued Schnauzer who permanently lost her sight when she was found abandoned by a roadside in a heart-wrenching condition. Her eyeballs were hanging out their sockets and by the time rescuers got her to the vet it was too late to save her eyesight. 

She came our way when one of her rescuers, Sathia Chandran from Lucky Paws contacted me to ask if I knew of anyone who could foster her until Sathia could find her a home. I had never really taken to fostering purely due to knowing that parting ways with a dog I’m caring for can be difficult, so I surprised myself when I agreed to foster this doggie. I mean, a blind dog? How hard could it be? 

Ceasar (as Sathia had named her thinking she was a male) arrived at my home that afternoon. She was a tiny, frail thing, quiet and unassuming, perhaps still recovering from her traumatic experience. But right on her face where her eyelids should have been fluttering over beautiful Schnauzer eyes were sew threads that would now forever keep two gaping cavities on her sweet face covered from the rest of the world. 

Watching her adjust to life without sight was heartbreaking at first. Imagine what it must feel like to be able to see then not see. On her first day out of her pen she walked into walls and tripped over drains. I had no idea that watching this was going to break my heart so much. She seemed so frustrated and confused. I wanted to help her but I didn’t know how. But with plenty of love and patience and research, she and I created an illusionary world just for us, a world where she runs and cuddles and knows that as long as she can hear my voice she is safe. 

She became my magic Maia. 

Despite her sweet demeanour this tragic incident has left her wary, anxious and sometimes unfriendly and will leave a permanent scar on her psyche, something I hope love and time will slowly erase from her memory. 

Unlike Maia, Echo (as we came to name him) was born with his disability. Despite being deaf in both ears from birth, he is the calmest and happiest puppy I have ever met. He doesn't know any different, and perhaps thinks that silence is just life. He will never know or hear his name being called, or hear other dogs bark at him or be afraid of the sound of thunder. 

The one thing that both Maia and Echo have in common is that they are dogs who cannot be trained like normal dogs, therefore making their assimilation into a family or pack challenging. I discovered this the hard way when on Maia's second day with the pack, she got into an altercation with DeNiro, my older boy.  

Wildly snapping in mid-air in all directions to protect herself, she was unaware that I was reaching out to carry her. Not knowing that she could not see me left me with a bite in my left index finger down to the bone that required five stitches and is now permanently damaged. 

But it wasn't her fault, or mine for that matter. What I didn't know then that I know now is that a special needs dog requires just that, special needs. I had assumed that being blind would mean she would be a docile dog. I was wrong. And that's when I realized that as much as I thought I knew about dogs, I still had so much more to learn. 

Echo is a Dalmatian-mix pup who was found tied to a pole in Kajang by a young girl who could not bear to leave him there. Apparently his owner (who contacted her a few days later after seeing her post on Facebook asking for him back, of which she refused, good girl) informed her that Echo was tied up because he wouldn’t stop barking. And no matter what his owner did he wouldn’t stop. 

When Echo was rescued, he was immediately put up for adoption. At four months old, he is probably one of the cutest puppies you've ever seen, playful and hyper-active. There is no way anyone would have guessed that he was deaf, until a visit to the vet confirmed it.

Did you know that 80 percent of Dalmatians are born either deaf on one side or both? I didn’t. By that time he had already been through two families and returned. Having spent time researching life with Maia, I knew that I was more than equipped to adopt him, but only if he could not find a permanent home, which was the case. He was adopted because of his cuteness, then returned because he exhibited behavior that wasn't typical of puppies, like cry when left alone in a room or come across as disobedient when corrected (which as it turns out is the Dalmatian-stubbornness in him). 

Coming across his plight on Facebook after being returned by another adoptee family unable to accommodate his needs, it became very clear to me that Echo was not the problem. The problem, not just with his rescuers and fosterers but all animal warriors in general was a compete and total lack of understanding the importance of 'ComPETability’. 

‘ComPETability’ is exactly what it sounds like - identifying the right match between a canine's personality and a human / families dynamics. 

We all know that every dog comes with its own unique personality traits. Just like human compatibility is about finding two individuals that match so closely that the chances for a failed union are next to impossible, comPETability is about doing the same for the pairing of a domestic animal and its human. Imagine having to 'return' a potential partner because you both discovered that you just don't 'vibe' together. 

We have forgotten that it works the same way with dogs and people. 

Echo went through four hands before he came to us. In between those hands I received a call from a rescuer asking me if I would like to adopt him as she had heard that we had adopted Maia and were prepared to accommodate special needs dogs. It was just our luck that my partner David was in KL that same evening and was about to head out to pick Echo up when his rescuer / fosterer informed me at the last minute that she was going to let a housewife from Cheras adopt him instead. According to her, said housewife wanted to 'try him out for a few days' before deciding.

Now I'm no expert in the animal community but what I am is greatly troubled by the lack of knowledge and education possessed by our rescuers. Rescuing is not just about getting an animal off the streets and putting it up for adoption for any Tom, Dick & Harry to adopt. It is not an overnight process that should leave you feeling pride at 'saving an animal's life'. It is not about increasing the adoption turnover only to have the return rate increase. And it certainly is not about making sure your rescues find a home as soon as possible so that the rescuers financial burdens and obligations are alleviated. 

So I called the fosterer and decided to have a chat with her. I inquired about Echo's history, from his rescue to his re-home to his return to his medical diagnosis, all the while taking note of how Echo behaved in each environment he was placed in. They ranged from insecurity to wild barking to frenzied whining to aloofness to just plain deafness and non-responsiveness. 

Then it was my turn to speak. 

Have you ever dealt with a deaf puppy before? 

Have you educated yourself on what a deaf puppy like Echo needs?

Have you interviewed his potential adopters and asked them if they have educated themselves on his needs? 

Are they aware of the time and patience required to train him and are they prepared to commit to it? 

And the final one: What happens to Echo if this adopter returns him, which I guarantee you she will? How long do you think it will take to find him a good home and what if we are unable to take him then?

No. No. No. No. I don't know but I don't think she will. 

Not good enough, I told her. But there was nothing I could do but wish her luck and hope that Echo would reach his final handover.

Three days later when my phone rang and my screen displayed the rescuers name, I knew Echo was coming home. True enough, he was being returned. "Can you please take him?" was a question I had answered "Yes" to three days earlier but today, that didn't seem possible. "I told you this would happen", I said to her, and with a heavy heart she sighed in defeat and admitted that she should have allowed us to take him when we were ready to. "Please, I don't know what to do with him now or who will adopt him. I am so sorry." (I am HAPPY to share that this wonderful woman Lai Mei Kueen is now a better rescuer and animal lover from this experience and now shares this nugget of wisdom as much as she can and we LOVE her for that!) 

We thought about the dog. It's always been about the dog.

We met with his rescuers / fosterers back in KL four days later and brought ChelseaBoo along for the first meet. And as his rescuer opened her car door and carried him toward us, we fell in love with Echo. He was a docile and timid puppy, curious and unperturbed by everything around him. He and Chels said hello and in that instant he had a new friend. We were warned that he was uncomfortable in cars and sure enough he was a handful as we ran a few errands before heading back to Ipoh that evening. 

By the time we reached the farm he had become visibly attached to David, never taking his eyes off him and sleeping right next to him wherever he was. At first he barked when David left the house but eventually didn't even care as he had 12 other dogs to keep him company. (The number has since grown to 30 canines). 

He is this amazing ball of love and affection and as all puppies are is a bundle of high energy. But what amazes me the most is how he never ever flinches in his sleep no matter what is happening around him. In his head, there is nothing but silence and peace. He could possibly be the calmest dog I have ever met in my life. And on his first week at the farm as we watched him play in water puddles formed in the garden by last nights heavy rain, we were reminded of why we do what we do - there is nothing in this world quite like the joy and love of a happy puppy. 

I remember when Echo first came to us; we received all the usual tips like how he can’t be left alone or he starts to cry, he’s antisocial, that he’s clingy, all typical deaf puppy behaviours. But with lots of love and understanding, what we have seen is a puppy who has blossomed with us. He is playful, brave, independent, patient and most of all loving beyond belief. He is simply amazing and we are so blessed. 

As an animal wellbeing advocate and animal lover I am constantly reminding myself that it isn't just the public that need to be educated but us advocates too. Rescuing and rehoming, while satisfying does not serve a beneficial purpose to anyone if the match isn't perfect in the first place. Rescuers need to start elevating the standards of how they carry out their passion for animal rescue and rehoming. Sorry to burst your bubbles but rescuing an animal, putting its picture up on social media and handing it over to the first person who says yes DOES NOT make you an animal rescuer. It DOES NOT make you an animal lover. It DOES NOT mean you changed an animals life for the better.

It's time we stopped fanning our own egos and started doing real work - the kind that reaps real permanent lasting results. Every animal that comes into our lives is worth our complete attention and devotion. Rescuers need to start treating each and every one as priorities. 

Get to know the animal and its personality. When the time comes to put it up for adoption, give it an identity. Describe a trait that's endearing, like how it howls when it's happy to see you. Create a file and an interview questionnaire. Talk to the potential adopters. Ask them questions like whether they have pets or if this is their first time adopting. Ask them what they plan to feed them and where it will sleep. Study if their lifestyles will benefit or be detrimental to the animals wellbeing. And most importantly, pay your best attention to special needs adoptions, especially when they are puppies. At a young age, puppies are prone to remembering everything that happens to them and that moulds their adult behavior. Don't let your laziness change a happy puppy into an anxious dog.

As a country we have for years lobbied for the government to make animal wellbeing a priority. But it isn't just the government that is responsible in educating and creating awareness for animals. All of us who are in one way or another part of this sometimes-euphoric sometimes-vicious cycle must take our roles seriously and do our part to ensure that these voiceless creatures are protected and their rights and wellbeing preserved. It is our duty to do so. 

Echo is one of thousands if not millions of dogs around the world who need our attention. While he has been blessed with a loving home, many will not be. There are ways you can change that. Adopt a puppy or a special needs puppy and discover a whole new world of dogs you didn't know about. If you can't adopt, sponsor one. Most of all, educate yourselves, and you could help dogs like Maia and Echo find their perfect happily-ever-after.

[opepin]

september: week four

18: i woke up before my alarm went off. i didn’t sleep well for the last few hours of the morning... i’ve only been getting 6 hours of sleep on average lately x_x; i did get myself to do a weighted leg workout and then i showered and made my first chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie -- i fell in love. i washed all the dishes before leaving and then said goodbye to kevin. i got to the train platform 10 minutes earlier than usual but i still got to work at the same time -__-’ there were delays again. oh well. then i did a bit of work, played with the surface pro we have at the office, organized my spam email because outlook thinks everything is spam -_-, took a break with cole so he could give me guava candy LOL. so cole slacked me and told me he brought in candy so i thought it was something suspicious but then he gives it to me and it’s the guava candy i can find at the asian grocery market. apparently, he bought two large bags full from amazon -- he’s so funny. well, we talked about food and what we ate as children before heading back to work.

i didn’t have much to do so then i ate lunch and went to figaro’s with cole so he could get his lunch. i got a chocolate chip brownie and ate it all... steve, cole, and i ate in the office supply office LOL and talked about random things like horror movies and birthstones. it was a great time. then we all headed back to work. i headed back and realized i only ate 1/3 of my lunch. i ate another third and then packed it away -- i was too full. then i got on stand up and went right into a meeting with phil. after that, it was already 4 pm. so i headed over to steve and cole’s office and then chilled with them for a bit. i brought over the surface and drew on it and they were impressed with my drawings ;D the surface makes my handwriting look so nice :3 they just finished their work but then i think something broke? so i went back to my office, did a little bit more work and then took my laptop over to their office to work while they finished up their stuff. dave left me all alone in the office for a meeting; joe left early because he wasn’t feeling well. then i walked to south station with cole, took the train home, got all of our mail, tried talking to erin but she was gone, got my first eggie shirt, and went upstairs to the apartment. i got my $200 visa card for my laptop trade in and i got my try again tee from eggie. the tee isn’t as nice as i thought it would be, but it’s still pretty awesome.

after i sorted through the mail and stuff, i got myself to do my butt workout and i died doing the bulgarian split lunges. i think my legs were exhausted from my workout in the morning still. i think i need to cap my lifting to 30-50 min max per day until i get stronger. the workout should have taken 30 minutes but i think i took 40-45 minutes x__x; the struggle was real. i also lifted 5 lbs heavier for basically everything... ded. my legs pretty much felt like numb jello after. i stretched and foam rolled a bit before showering. then i made myself another delicious chocolate pb banana smoothie before washing the dishes. i ate the leftovers from lunch with congee and more tofu and beef while watching youtube videos. then i made kevin a greetabl for our upcoming 2 year anniversary and then did internet errands. oh, i also managed to get tickets back to chicago for thanksgiving for only $4.50 more than my previous christmas tickets. (((: so i’ll be back in chicago! oh, kevin went out to meet up with old friends and i didn’t want to go so i spent my time at home doing my own thangz.

kevin got back and then we talked and cuddled and i ended up falling asleep on the bed for 30 minutes -- i was so tired from lifting. i just wanted to ko. i got myself up and made pico de gallo while chicken cooked the chicken thigh for lunch tomorrow. i stayed up for a bit longer but then just brushed up and went to sleep at some time... probably around 12 am. kevin also showered early and then played a few games and went to sleep early. we were both tired for some reason. well, i know why i was tired. i think kevin went to sleep late last night LOL.

19: i slept in today and woke up extra sore. i ate a pork bun for breakfast and then got straight to work. i took a break when kevin woke up and decided to work from home as well :) i made us the chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie i’m in love with right now and he loved it too! he says it tastes like ice cream LOL. then i went into meetings basically for the rest of the day -- it was a day for design meetings. kevin got the entryway bench from the package room and built it while i was on a design call then i got a short break to eat lunch. i helped move the bench to the entryway and moved the shoe rack over to the other wall. then i went on to stand up and then into another design call. i managed to do some errands and ordered a new toilet brush on amazon prime now. i also booked us a river tour because i forgot about a groupon i bought and it reminded me today. so this weekend will be packed: apple picking and charles river boat tour. i felt pretty dead... maybe it’s because of the weather. x_x; after that, i did some work, took a break to do some yoga, and watched some videos and then hopped on a call with phil so i could prepare more training stuff.

i started reading ‘sourdough’ by robin sloan and i instantly got hooked. i read until kevin gamed, played guitar, and before leaving for the fitness center. it was my recovery day today so i thought i would try doing the elliptical; it was a mistake. it’s nice that i can watch food network but the motion and quad work required of the elliptical were too much for my quads because they were super tired from yesterday’s 60 minute lifting session... it felt weird and i got really bored and kept looking at the clock until 30 minutes were up. kevin ran alongside me and then we stretched and showered. we ate leftovers for dinner plus some of these glutinous rice balls filled with purple sweet potato filling and mandu! yummm. we watched 1 1/2 episodes of agents of shield and then kevin went to game and i continued reading for the rest of the night. i actually finished the book before going to sleep! it was a really great book. it’s not one of my favorites but still a really good read. i felt good. kevin and i actually went to sleep at around 12:30 am. we were both tired. x_x;

20: i woke up at 8 am and then fell back asleep until 8:30 am. then i got up and did a hiit workout but my thighs were burning... i don’t think i rested it enough. i need to rethink my workout schedule again lol. i also managed to hurt my wrist a bit too? it was a really hard workout. i stretched my quads after and then foam rolled. i showered and went to work before making my fave smoothie. kevin wanted some but didn’t tell me so i drank all of it by the time he came out of the bathroom xP i guess it’s time to buy bananas in bulk :) then i went back to work and so did kevin. we both wfh again because we were getting our ikea package today. it was a pretty packed day for me with all the meetings. we had a design meeting that kind of went over on time but then we stopped so dave and i could have lunch. kevin and i snuck in an episode of agents of shield while eating. then i hopped on stand up and then i got on a call with phil to plan out what to do for the upcoming training sessions. at this point, i got really annoyed because phil wanted me to do a run through of the first session and i wasn’t feeling it. i feel like it was kinda overkill to have me do it again. he kept commenting and he told me to slow down (which i do need to do but i was doing it fast because it was a run through). i think he’s very stressed and worried about this but my nerves have come and gone and i’ll do it like i do usually.

well, during the call, the ikea guys came and then it happened so that phil needed to get on another call and so i got off and opened the door for them. then kevin got to building the dining table. i was annoyed and just frustrated about what my role is at t7. i feel like i’ve been a shared asset in which i don’t really have a solid place in training or design so i feel like i’ve been tossed back and forth. in the future, i have a feeling that i will be set to more training and i don’t know how i feel about that. i would rather design than teach different customers something over and over again. yeah, that’s the thing, phil wanted me to prepare for something i will be doing SO much in the future and that bothers me. it seems so monotonous. sigh. i vented to cole a bit and then i hopped off the computer after work and did oblique workouts without weights and on my mat. apparently, there are a lot of isolated ab and oblique moves that make you lose your hourglass figure, especially with weights so i’ll keep weights to a minimum for now. kevin went back to working for a bit before cooking. i put on agents of shield while he cooked.

we ate and watched agents of shield and then washed up. kevin went on a run and took some cardboard with him. after i showered, i took some cardboard and recycled it, washed the wok left in the sink, checked if our new keys opened the storage room, took some suitcases back there, and then took out all of the garbage. kevin came back and showered. oh, we also took out the mirror first when our package came and put it in the room. it looks so nice! it was getting late so i brushed up and hopped into bed while kevin gamed. i think i went to sleep at around 12 am or something. i was tired.

21: i got up at 8:30 am and then did a back workout in the morning. i took it easy on the back because later in the evening, i’d be doing arms. then i came back, showered, and kevin and i got in a small morning argument but then made up before he left lol. man, i am moooody. i made 2 eggs for breakfast and tried mixing pb, cocoa powder, and milk with a spoon in a cup; it failed miserably D: i drank it anyway too. then kevin went to work and i started working. i hopped on a design call and then ate lunch while watching the ‘masterchef’ finale! then i talked with phil, hopped on another call, then went straight to stand up. yup, lots of calls today. after, phil took a break from all the calls and then i finished up the finale while working. i’m so happy dino won. this is the first time i am happy with all three finalists, actually. i wanted jason to win the most but i really liked dino throughout the competition.

anyway, after doing some edits, i hopped on a call with phil again and then made some more edits and ended my work day at 5:30 pm. then i headed over to the yoga studio and did my arm workout. it was my first time working out my biceps and they burned T__T then i came back, relaxed, and showered. kevin started cooking dinner and i watched some youtube videos. then we put on agents of shield and ate our first meal from the dinner table! yay (: then we moved to the sofa and watched another episode. well, kevin went to wash dishes and i walked around while watching to get in some activity. then kevin decided to make the ikea chest and then run. i helped make the drawers and did any two person thing but it was mostly kevin building it. the last time i made a drawer was last year and i the drawer is now falling apart because i built it angrily... LOL. so i let kevin handle that. it actually took us 3 hours to build it... i knocked out after we built all six drawers and then woke up to check in on kevin. i drooled on my shoulder... then i helped a bit and ko’d again until kevin asked for my help. then i just stayed up watching kevin hammer nails into the back and then we moved it into place along with the drawers. lol it was like 2 am and i was ded.

i brushed my teeth, kevin was not going to run so he showered, and i fell asleep before he even got in the shower. lol the first time i ko’d was at like 12 am. i am weaksauce hahah. i think we went to sleep at around 3 am...

22: kevin and i basically rolled out of bed and then kevin went to work and i hopped on my computer. then i made myself an egg sandwich with pico de gallo and a glass of chocolate peanut butter milk. i watched ‘girl’s trip’ while working and then went to practicing teaching my training module. phil pinged me to catch up and then timed myself. i got the first part of the session down in just the right amount of time, but i kind of rushed the second part. i looped back around and talked with phil and both of us felt good about going into this. then i think kevin came back and he went to do something??? probably cook. so i did an intense stretching session for about 40 minutes. yeah, i think i watched some ‘beat shazam’ while kevin cooked and then we put on shield and that’s when i finished up stretching. lol we spent the rest of the night watching agents of shield. we got up to the last episode before the season finale!! i noticed i only walked like 6k steps and tried getting to 10k steps in the last 15 minutes of the day. i got about 2.5k steps before it hit 12 am T___T kevin ended up getting more steps than me today...that’s sad tbh LOL. well, i think we stayed up a bit longer just chilling and thriving in the friday night bliss before the weekend~ we went to sleep pretty late LOL.

23: we woke up hella late. we woke up too late to go apple picking T__T lol. i think i got out of bed at 12 or 1 pm. kevin and i were so tired. mmm we ate breakfast and we moved furniture around in our bedroom. i hated the way it looked and brooded over that for a while and i got super frustrated. kevin left to game and then i got up and started watching an episode of ‘beat shazam’ while walking to lift the bad mood i was in. i felt a good deal better after walking around. then we meal planned and drove over to the mall where bdubs is. it’s our two year anniversary on the 26th and we didn’t really plan anything for it. i wanted to but we’ve spend so much money on the new furniture so we didn’t really want to spend more money on a fancy dinner. so what did we do? we went to bdubs, got fried mushrooms, and split a medium boneless chicken wing platter for only $25 to celebrate LOL. we got the right amount of food to finish everything. we tried their blue moon wings and they were pretty good. the thai curry wings taste like the golden curry sauce haha.

after lunch, we went to auntie anne’s to get buy 2/$6 pretzel nuggets. mmm. we got the original nuggets with the limited edition pumpkin spice one. the pumpkin spice one tastes exactly like the cinnamon sugar but with pumpkin / nutmeg flavoring. we walked over to target and then kind of got lost in buying stuff. i got thinkthin protein bars because i couldn’t find the oatmega bars, we tried looking for the glass bowls but they were all gone, and then i found a polar bear hooded blanket and kevin and i fell in love with it. we then found really cute appetizer plates with a clever print on them by cheeky and decided to try to find where the polar bear blanket came from. the one we found seemed like it lost its packaging? it was in aisle c10 according to the scanner but there was no c10... there was a c9 and c11... we found someone and he told us the display was c10 LOL. we looked but couldn’t find another one. :( but then we stumbled upon a bear night light that would look really nice on our chest that was placed in a spot i hated in the room. so we ended up getting that bear. we also got the last of this bear box!! it was meant to be!! we were looking for a box to fit under our entryway bench cubby to make it look more put together.

at this point, we needed to get out of there so we wouldn’t go back for the polar bear hooded blanket. on our way to the register, i found the oatmega bars and got the chocolate coconut flavor. then we checked out, went to kam man for groceries, went to bj’s for the rest of our groceries, and came home. we put away everything and hooked up the night light and put the box in its place. ahhh, everything is starting to look so nice. we were both pretty full still so kevin went to game and told me he’d come by to run while i went to work out. i did a total body strength workout for 50 minutes. i actually extended my workout because i was wondering where kevin was? LOL. oh, i also love doing clean presses. anyway, i went back, showered, and kevin was still gaming... this boy. then he cooked and i believe he did run at some point. i washed the dishes and tried out the oatmega bar -- it’s delicious! i hope the whey concentrate isn’t too kfjnskjdf for my stomach. after kevin came back and showered, we had rice cake soup again while watching the last episode of agents of shield’s season 4. woooo. the ending is super ambiguous. we cleaned up and we might start watching game of thrones and westworld now. mmm. i think i was super tired after and i went to sleep while kevin gamed. well, that’s usually how it goes haha.

24: i woke up at 9 am and then did a hiit cardio workout. then i showered and woke kevin up. we ate breakfast just in time to leave to get to our charles river sightseeing tour. i ate a thinkthin protein bar after my workout and it hurt my stomach :( it’s probably the sugar alcohols. i think i’ll stick with my oatmega bars for now. we made it just in time for the train and then kevin needed to use the washroom right after getting off the train so we looked around but couldn’t find a public restroom. we walked to the mall where the boat would leave and kevin used the washroom there while i waited outside so that the boat wouldn’t leave us. well, we got there 10 minutes early and kevin had time to use the washroom. we were the last people on, we got a ginger ale to share, and we enjoyed the rest of the ride. we spent half of our time in the front to feel the sunshine and breeze and the other half inside to just sit and chill. the boat wasn’t going fast so there wasn’t that nice breeze but overall, the ride was so relaxing. we got off and got taco bell at the food court and walked to the train station. we entered through the wrong side of the kendall train station and then went to the other side but had to wait for kevin’s monthly pass to work again. the attendant didn’t have her badge and did her best to help us though. lol. i can’t blindly trust kevin when it comes to these things now LOL. we both gotta check what side we’re entering xP

we took the train back and then we drove to the target in stoughton to check if they had the anchor hocking serving bowls. it said online they had a limited stock. we checked in the aisle and they were all gone and asked someone for help and he said there were no more T___T so we got kevin’s shaving cream and drove back home. it was a rollercoaster ride of emotions today with the boat ride, the train situation (it takes the monthly pass 20 minutes to become usable at the same stop), not finding the bowls, and then coming back home stressed because i still needed to do chores and i wanted to get a good night’s rest for training tomorrow. well, i got a tension headache and ended up sleeping on kevin’s shoulder and taking an hour nap. lol i snapped at kevin for leaving me on the couch LOOOL but then i fell back asleep. i woke up and right away, i made myself some food. i think the bar effed up my stomach. then i started the laundry and guess what happened? the washing machine drum made a dent in the metal outer structure of the washing machine and it was making sounds like it was going to explode.. it was really scary. so we had to call the emergency maintenance line and they couldn’t do anything about it. @_@ so we put it on quick rinse and finished our laundry. i feel like everything wasn’t properly cleaned though...

kevin helped me clean the kitchen and i cleaned the bathroom. he vacuumed a bit and then we both worked out. i did another hiit workout and he ran. he showered when we got back and then i waited for the laundry to dry because i had no underwear. he cooked and then i showered. we watched some youtube videos while eating and then kevin cleaned up and i folded the laundry. then we played ‘crawl’ together to see if we liked the game -- we’re keeping it. i still had a bit of a headache so i rq’d for the night and he went to game on his computer. i went to sleep at like 12 am because i was going to work from home because i didn’t want to be distracted by anything while leading training. i also learned that uni are sea urchin testicles....

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things that you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think trying to be yourself and find your own path in life within the constraints we put on ourselves in society is the biggest struggle I’ve had in my whole life. It manifested itself in different ways at different stages, but that’s probably the biggest challenge.”

What are some of the obstacles that challenge presents to you?

“People thinking we have to do things a certain way or dress a certain way or act a certain way, whether or not that’s who we are or makes us happy, as well as the literal constraints, the legal restrictions and obstacles that are in the way that we must overcome to be able to get to the place we want to be.”

Where do you want to be?

“The short answer would be happy, which means, practically speaking, finding a way of making life what you want it to be. For me, that means the freedom to do what I would like to do in a day, and primarily be able to focus on those who I love, and see them and enjoy the time with them without having to do things we don’t really want to do—things that take away from enjoying those little moments in life. If you have a family, seeing your child’s first steps or their first laugh; or even if you don’t have a family, those conversations you have with your friends and significant others, letting your dog sit on your lap when they want to instead of running off to do that errand or things that you need to do; enjoying the daily moments, stopping to smell the flowers, as they say.”

Have you always been on this path, or is this a recent change for you?

“In some ways, yes. I think I’ve always been my own person, for better or worse. I think even when I was growing up, I was definitely somebody trying to remain true to what they wanted to be and who they wanted to be, and tried not to let outside things influence me too much. I always thought for myself. Again, a good thing and a bad thing. Certain teachers loved me for it; others did not like me for it, but just because somebody told me something was true, I didn’t believe it. Well, ‘Why?’ I wanted to know all the reasons, and then came to a conclusion myself. If you told me something was that way, I wanted to know your reasons for it, not just believe you, and the teachers who were open-minded tended to support that. I found a lot of friends in my teachers but then the teachers who were more set in their ways, and just clock-in and clock-out type teachers, didn’t want the hassle to go off and explain the issues.

“I think that all of us, as we’re growing up, have that struggle of finding who you are. It’s easier to lose your way and wanting to be somebody else because their life looks better or easier or you feel like an outsider. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends when I was growing up, and that wasn’t always easy, but for me it was always quality rather than quantity. As long as I had one good friend, I could shrug off more easily what other people did or didn’t say or do. I’d much rather have that than a bunch of friends who aren’t quality. But I think as I’ve gotten older and growing more into who I am, and met people like my husband who help support that, I think I’ve gotten stronger in that resolve, and it’s materialized more in specific things than just a generalized thought.”

What was growing up like for you as a child?

“Oh, a lot of positive, a lot of negative, but that’s probably true for everyone. I am blessed with a very good family. I’m very close to my parents, always have been, hopefully always will be. I’m very lucky on that aspect of having support at home. I think they taught me a lot of who I am, like thinking for myself, but like I mentioned, friends didn’t come easy, especially good, honest friends. It’s still a struggle I have to this day. Sometimes people who you thought would be there for you aren’t there for you when you most need them, but I’ve been lucky to have that support system really close to my parents. I’ve now added Juan to that, and they always got me through. But on the other side, a lot of positive experiences—my dad was a minister, so we did not have a lot of financial resources, but both of my parents were very good in not making us feel that as kids. We traveled a fair amount, in spite of the finances, and had a lot of good experiences.”

Where do you find yourself now in your life? How would you describe yourself?

“Right now, it’s a bit of a transition. I was in school, and school is one of those areas where you have to do what society tells you to do to get through obstacles. If you want the diploma at the end, you’ve got to do what you have to, so there’s a little more following what society wants in the past few years, though I enjoyed it. I made a lot of good friends and learned a lot of things that I’ve always been intrigued about. But now it’s a bit of a transition period. I’ve finished school, so now I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to use it and what that’s going to develop into, and trying to not fall into the trap of staying on the beaten path and doing what everybody thinks I should do now that I have that degree. It’s not easy. I’ve never been somebody who’s had a clear goal in mind. They would always ask me, ‘What do you want to do?’ ‘I don’t know.’ I never had an answer. And in some sense I don’t think I do today, though I have more ideas floating around and at least a general direction, if not a specific goal. So right now is a period of transition and figuring out where things are going to take us. At the same time I think it’s exciting, because I think we have the resolve to turn our lives into something we want it to be.”

Sounds like you have a canvas to paint rather than having one that’s already painted.

“Yes, which as I said earlier can be both scary and completely fulfilling and amazing. So it’s a little of both and depends what day, which mood you might be in and which feeling or place you’re in at that time. It can be difficult watching friends achieve milestones more quickly because they’re on a traditional path, but then at least I have the support system in my husband to remind me that we’ll get there, and we’ll get there happier along the way and probably to a happier place at the end. We just have to be patient.”

What are some of the feelings you navigate through when you’re feeling discouraged or when you feel you’re comparing yourself to your friends, and that brings about feelings of questioning what you’re doing and why you’re doing it or reevaluating things?

“Feelings of frustration, because sometimes I feel like we’re going to get to a goal faster than we are because I’m not actively working right now. I’m working towards things, but it’s nothing that’s bringing in a paycheck right now. Finances put a strain on every little decision. As anybody who’s ever been in a tight spot knows, it adds a lot of stress to daily life. Even if things are good in your life, it’s still stressful if the money’s tight.

“And it can be difficult when you really want something, and you want it right now, but for whatever reason, be it financial or your job position or where you’re located or whatever, you can’t have that goal at that point in time. It’s awfully difficult to see others achieving that goal, whether it’s buying a new house, having your own property, getting the car they want, starting a family, and it can depend on each person, but try to get through those days as best you can and push on. It’s also difficult because I am at home and exploring different areas and taking care of the household and things—for example, we cook from scratch, so that takes a lot of time—just trying to do things. I’m trying to get things organized so that we have a better system, because I was in school and working full-time before, and a lot of things just got dealt with because you had to deal with it fast and you didn’t have a lot of time to get nice systems in place so that things are organized. I find life much easier when things are organized, because then you know where something goes and where something is and all of that, so trying to go through and do that is an overwhelming process when you’re starting from nothing.

“It can feel as if I haven’t accomplished anything. It’s one of those things where you work all day and then at the end of the day, when someone asks you what you do, I don’t even know what to tell you. Like I said before, everything and nothing. I work all day, and I might not have the paycheck or the clock-in and clock-out to show for it that we consider accomplishing something.

“But then, I also know that we’re slowly working towards our goals, and we’re clarifying what those goals are. I think it was in a movie I saw recently, somebody commented on when he was a little kid, he was late getting out to the car where his parents were and the parents asked him, ‘What were you doing?’ and he said, ‘I was just thinking.’ And he was reminiscing on that as an adult. We don’t allow ourselves time to just think, which is when we’re creative or come up with new ideas or learn about who we are and what we want. I think that that may be my stage in life right now, just thinking and ruminating on things a lot. You come up with a lot of ideas and some of those come into fruition and are good paths to go down. Some of them were just ideas you might have spent a day or two on a path that you decide that no, that’s not worth pursuing. But like I said, then it’s hard to remember that yes, I was accomplishing something. Even if I don’t have something specific to show for it, it is advancing my goals.”

I’m having this vision as I’m listening to you that a farmer is still working even if he’s planting seeds, and you’re in a position now where you’re choosing what seeds you should plant and where you want to plant them, and how you want to nurture them.

“And researching it, because maybe I don’t know anything about planting seeds, because that’s not one of my areas. I’m going to be starting my own law firm, and I know nothing about business. I’m going to help my husband start his business, and I don’t know anything about business. So I’ve got a ton of library books sitting over there, that when I have time, I read through and try to learn new things. Yeah, definitely, that’s my stage in life right now.”

Progress. I forget what the quote is but it’s something about you judge the day’s work not by the harvest but by the seeds that you sow. And even though you can’t see that they’re changing and growing and developing, because they’re beneath the surface, that doesn’t mean that something’s not happening.

“I’ll use that analogy whenever I’m feeling down.”

You talked about comparing yourself to friends, I think that’s something we all do. We compare our insides to someone else’s outsides, and we don’t know that maybe those friends who are buying the houses and buying the cars are putting themselves further and further into debt, trapping themselves in a way that’s going to create a lot of unhappiness and struggle and maybe tear them apart in some different ways, so it can be deceptive. So I would encourage you to remember that when you start to go down that path.

“Juan is good at helping me remember that, too.”

What are some of the things that you’re learning through this stage in your life?

“That’s a tough question.”

Or what do you hope will come out it, because sometimes it may be hard to recognize when you’re in the midst of it.

“I hope that although it’s a harder time right now, it will lead to, like you said, I’m planting right now, so I hope it will lead to a better harvest later than if I had chosen the easy crop to grow that had a guaranteed harvest. Instead, I’m going to stick with the heirloom organic seeds, although it’s a little scary because it’s riskier and everybody else is saying, ‘Why would you do that?’ But I’m hoping that the harvest will have better flavor or brighter colors and be more sustaining and more fulfilling when we get there.

“You talked to Juan in his interview about his family being in Ecuador with us being here in the States, and it’s very important to both of us that we’re very lucky to have families that support us and our relationship. We’ve come a long way, but in a biracial relationship that still is not a guarantee that you won’t have problems or people that won’t support you, so we’re very lucky that both my family and his family have been supportive and haven’t given us issues.

“I suppose the negative to that is we care very much about those families, and it’s hard because we have a split home: Half of our home is in South America and half of our home is in North America. So wherever we are, we’re missing the other. I think one of the things that keep us going on when the path gets hard is that we’re trying to create a life where we can be in both families’ lives and not miss too much. That’s not something that many people have the ability to do, and it’s easier said than done, but we both keep the faith that we can do it.”

You mentioned you finished your degree. I’m assuming that also due to your finishing your degree and talking about a financial pinch, you must have amassed a certain amount of debt going to school.

“This is one of those things that I don’t mind sharing with you, but I don’t know that I want it published in a book with my picture and my name, but no, I have zero debt. But that’s part of what has left us in such a pinch.

“If I had taken out a loan, I think we’d be breathing easier. Some of the friends buying houses and things can do so because the loan is hidden behind that false wall. You only see what trickles through, whereas I went to law school part-time and worked full-time during most of law school. In my last year and a half, I quit the job I was at and switched to full-time. But I worked a lot> It’s one of those times when you look back and say, ‘How did I do that?’ But we spend very little.

“I read articles about how to cut down on your budget and sometimes they make me laugh. A simple one I was reading one that cut down your cell phone bill; most people spend $120 a month, and you don’t need to spend that much; you can cut it down to $80 if you’re really tight. I laughed and I told Juan when he got home, see, these things don’t really help us, because we spend $12 to $24 a month on our phone bill.

Wow. You should be writing the article.

“Well, it’s one of those seeds that are possibly ruminating. I might start a blog. As we told you when we started this and I was hesitant, I’m not a very public person, so I’m debating if that’s a path I want to take or not, but I’d like to help people on their journey. We live very differently than most people. I know people come and see our apartment and I’m sure they think that we have more than we have, but of the furniture that we have in here, we bought our bed, we bought one piece that we’ve sold, and we bought the hutch, and that’s all. Of all of the rest, a couple was given by my parents, but most was from friends and family just finding out that we were starting out, so it was just what we got from people. And even this big fancy hutch we got for $35 at the Habitat ReStore.

“We find things that are off the beaten path, I guess things that people might not be willing to do, we don’t see a problem with; you know, buying and selling on Craigslist, from people who bought things that they weren’t happy with. Sometimes we’ve picked up nice pieces of furniture that people have put out for the garbage and resold them, because I hate to see something that’s still functional and beautiful go to the garbage. We don’t need to fill our landfills with things that we can still use. That’s actually a great thing that the States has that Ecuador doesn’t, that used market. A lot of people don’t want to buy from it or use it, but it’s great that we have that. In Ecuador they don’t tend to have that. Like Juan said, they use things up until you can’t use it anymore. So when you want to buy a couch, your option is to buy new or not have the couch, whereas here, you don’t have to do that.

“There are so many ways, so a combination of always trying to live frugally and maybe in unique ways from other people, mixed with working hard. I have a little bit from my grandfather that helped us in the final stretch when I had stopped working, but—so yeah, that’s what Juan also brings me back to whenever I’m stressing out and freaking out. He says, “Remember, you made it through without any loans,” and if you do the math and put all that together, it’s amazing how much money that represents. So that’s our reminder too, that we’re not as bad off as it might feel on some days.”

I know that you said that looking back, you can’t even remember how you got through it, but I want to ask you that question anyway. Think about how you did that; what sort of strength it took, what sort of momentum it took or discipline it took to get through that time. Because I think that other people who may be discouraged and think that “Oh, it’s not possible, I couldn’t possibly do that, I’d kill myself, or something would collapse in my life if I did that,” could maybe benefit.

“Once you start, you just do. I think that anybody who pushes themselves will tell you the same thing, but like right now, because I’m at home, I don’t have to set an alarm. I get up when I need to, but then I was getting up at—I started work at 8:00am, so I was probably getting up at 6:30 or 7:00, and I didn’t get home until after 10:00pm with homework to do.

“I was lucky that I did enjoy law school. The topics intrigued me, so I was much more motivated than I had been as an undergrad, so that’s much more definitely a key, it’s something you want to do, though like I talked about before, sometimes in life there are things that—you know, it’s different, sometimes there are things that you just have to do, and I think for those things I would say, keep in mind why you’re doing it and your goal at the end.

“I didn’t love the job I had when I started, but I also tried to focus on the positive even within the negative; I think that’s something I’ve been fairly decent in doing. That was one job that almost all of my coworkers hated, and I probably would have been more negative about it if I knew it was a forever job, but I knew it was a temporary thing for me, so it was easy to stay positive, but I also tried to stay focused on what I learned.

“Juan and I were just talking about trying to learn how to do taxes and starting our own company here. It’s an overwhelming thing, and I told him I’ve never done it, I don’t know to translate what we’re doing into it. But at that other job, I was reviewing other people’s taxes to find out their income, so at least I’ve seen it before, and you get little tastes of things. Even if that job wasn’t ideal, there was so much I learned from it. The same with the law firm I worked at—it was not a good experience, but I also know I learned a ton, and we though had personal difficulties, I also learned a lot from my boss, so a little mix of both.

“Your emotional side might be a little frustrated, but if you give yourself time to reflect, you can learn even from those negative situations. Remember it’s temporary and why you’re doing it, and that normally gets you through, and it always helps if you have somebody to support you; but we always have times in our lives where nobody’s there or we don’t feel like there is, but in those times we have to support ourselves, I guess, but keep in mind the light at the end of the tunnel.”

That’s important. I want to ask, where do you see yourself? As you’re starting to reap some of these seeds that you’re sowing, where do you see yourself?

“Now or in the future?”

In the future.

“In the future? Hmm, in what way?”

Before the interview, we had talked about the tiny house movement, and I wanted to touch upon that, because I find it interesting myself, and I think that, given the state of affairs today and resources and our sort of “need for greed,” it’s something that should be talked about.

“We’re currently renting an apartment, and we’d both would really like to have our own land. Juan is interested in the permaculture movement, and it’s hard to really diving into that, essentially experimenting and things, without have some property to do it on. We moved closer into the city because of jobs and my studies, but I like nature more. I don’t feel like I thrive in the city environment, so we’d really like to move out, but because our finances are tight and we’re not keen on large loans, we’re trying to do that differently. So a lot of that ruminating and at times thinking how we can get out and what are different options.

“There are a lot of people investing in real estate, with the foreclosure crisis, buying houses at auction and things like that that we’ve considered; but even for that you need some start-up income, some sort of investment money to start with. We’ve considered buying a duplex to rent out half and live in the other half to try to mostly cover the cost of living. And then the thing we’re onto more recently is buying land, because that’s probably the smallest initial investment we’d have to come up with to be able to buy.

“We’re thinking about trying to build one of the small houses. We’re both fairly handy people. Juan has more of the experience, but I’m willing to try. I have a lot of background in art, and I’m willing to try. If it doesn’t work, we try again. Somebody I went to college with I saw on Facebook has been building one this past summer, and we’re starting to think about it.

“It’s not something I would want long-term, mostly because I want a space big enough so that people can come visit. We have a large family, and I’d like to have an open invitation that people could come over. Even at the apartment, I’ve struggled because I’ve wanted to have an open party where you invite just anybody and whoever comes, but when you have like a smaller space, you kind of have to put a limit on, okay, we can’t have more than ‘X’ people, so we can’t invite too many. So I don’t think I want a small house permanently, but it’s a much smaller investment than a big house.

“One of the financial struggles we’ve found is that, especially in the U.S., there are so many things—you know, we have our basic needs, which of course we always overestimate, though I think you understand that very well, because you’re making—your life right now is very limited and cut down to pretty much your essential needs, but that’s not something that most people do in our society. But in addition to that, we’ve created these additional necessities. I’m not going to discuss politics, but an obvious most recent one is you now need medical insurance, which arguably you needed before to protect yourself from financial ruin. So like I said, the politics of it, like it or lump it, it’s a reality now that either you have to pay for the medical insurance or pay the fee when tax time comes. That’s a chunk of money you have to pay whether you want to or not.

“If you have any sort of a job outside your house and you don’t live in a place with public transportation, which is not particularly well developed in the U.S.—that’s the difference in Ecuador, where you do not need a car—here in the States there are a lot of areas where you need a car if you’re going anywhere but your house. And with that comes gas, the car, and car insurance, a repetitive payment. I know we’ve been struggling with lately is trying to get our monthly fees under the salary and make sure we’re not spending more than we earn when we’re not earning very much.

“When you’re at the point in life where your necessary expenses are pretty close to your income, what options do you have? There’s only so far you can cut back certain things, but, for example, you need light if you’re going to read at night. There’s only so far you can cut back on things, so one option would be a small house. It would cut back on your rent. You might have to pay some sort of rental fee, but I’m sure it would be much smaller, or mortgage on your land, but I’m sure it would be much smaller than the typical rental value of an apartment; and your electricity and heat and water use would probably go down, especially if you build it in a way so you’re more efficient with your use of things. And just the heating costs obviously will go down. Right now we’ve got a three-bedroom apartment with a massive living room. If our whole apartment was the size of our living room here, obviously the heating costs would go down.

“Juan is also into alternative energy as well, so as much of that as you can do. Then those monthly costs, which living in this apartment are necessary right now, would be drastically reduced, and even with the same income, you finally could start saving towards whatever your next goal is, whether it’s another house or another property or a family or whatever. So it’s a sacrifice, especially for me. I think it will be something that’s easier for Juan.

“I think we’ve considered it before and I hadn’t been at that point in my life, I think I’ve gotten to that point in my life, I think I’ve even told Juan, ‘You know what? To have property, I’m ready to live in a tent if I can have property and not be trapped inside all day.’ So a small house is obviously a step better than that. It’s something I’m thinking about, but I don’t really want to tell anybody, because I don’t want to deal with all of the ‘Are you crazy?’ attitude that you get from people. A lot of things we do, we tend to get met with, ‘What?’ So sometimes it’s a balance of trying to work towards a goal without really publicizing it to your friends and family until it’s done.

“For a while, Juan and I were debating just building our own house, not necessarily a small house, but a house. You see that online, too, where people will build houses with found items, leftover windows and things. I told Juan, ‘We’ll just not tell anybody until we invited them over to the complete house.’ That way we wouldn’t have to deal with listening to the, ‘You can’t do that’ and ‘It won’t work’ and all of that kind of stuff. So I don’t know if we’ll actually do it or not. We’ll see. Honestly, it’s probably the goal I’m most intrigued with, because it seems the most possible right now. And as much as I might want other things, I’d rather make progress than keep dreaming about something I’m never going to get. If you make progress, you’re at least on your way towards whatever it is you’re dreaming for.”

It sounds like you’re constantly evaluating what sacrifices you’re willing to make in order to have the quality of life that you desire.

“And reminding yourself what’s important to you. For the first time, we’ve officially done a budget, like everybody says you’re supposed to. For the past years, it’s been pretty much just spend as little as possible. But now I’m trying to do that to make sure we know where the money is going. A lot of the books I’ve read about budgeting talk about so many people don’t want to do it because, ‘It’s a limit on my life and I won’t be able to go out and enjoy myself.’ But the books kept saying, and it’s so true, it’s only you putting the limit on yourself so you can get to the goals that really matter.

“It’s not anybody saying you can’t go to that sports game tonight because it costs too much money, it’s you saying, ‘Do I really want to go to that sports game or do I want to be able to quit my job, to buy that house, to start that family?’ x-y-z, whatever your goal is, and that’s so true. It’s what you want, but we lose ourselves in the day-to-day wants and needs. It’s hard to keep our focus on our big goals, so a lot of times we never get there. I’m trying to take little steps and baby steps and not lose sight of that, and I think having Juan has been a great help with that. I think when we either of us starts to get lost, the other says, ‘Don’t worry. We’ll get there. Just be patient.’ Because there are times when it feels like it’s not going to happen. But like he said, ‘If you don’t try, it’s a guarantee you’ll never get there.’”

What advice would you offer to someone else who can relate to some aspect of what you’ve shared with me so far?

“The biggest thing that I felt I’ve learned through life so far and through various struggles is: baby steps. Whatever your goal is, as much as you want to focus on the end goal and keep that in mind, don’t get overwhelmed in it and don’t get down on yourself if you’re not doing everything perfectly. Just baby steps.

“With the permaculture, I feel like every month, every year, we’re adding something new, we’re not doing everything the way we ideally would want to, but we take steps. The same with the financial; Juan still has his day job because we need the money right now. But hopefully in the future we’ll take these baby steps to get away from him having to do that. Just little by little; it’s amazing when you take little steps, and then five, ten, twenty years down the road you look back and say, ‘Wow, look how far I made it.’ And so do that sometimes, too. Don’t always focus on your struggles now, but pause and look back. If I feel bad that I’m still using chemicals around the house to clean, and then I stop, and I look back ten years at the food I ate, the cleaning supplies I had, just the lifestyle I had, my impact on the world is so much smaller now than it was.

“There’s so much I am doing. When you take a look back, you can really take a look at your personal growth and you can see that. And it’s a great thing to do. It helps break you out of that, ‘I’m not doing enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m not getting anywhere.’ Because in the great scheme, normally we are—we are getting somewhere. It feels slow daily, but look back.”

Good advice. Do you have a favorite quote that you’d like to share, or something that someone has said to you over the years that stuck with you, whatever it is?

“My favorite quotes are hanging on the wall in my old bedroom and I don’t remember. It’s something I haven’t moved here yet. I can’t think of one right now.

“Well, it’s not exactly a quote, but it’s something—I don’t know—I stumbled across a blogger that I love to death, and we don’t have to go into the details of that, but one of my favorite blogs that she did was she wrote a list of five, seven, ten things that she said, ‘The things I don’t do.’ Because like you talked about, we always compare our insides to somebody else’s outsides, and it’s so easy to see what they’re doing that we’re not. And I really appreciated it, because she pointed out—she’s a fitness blogger, she does Pilates all the time, she’s in great shape, she’s into healthy food and all this kind of stuff—but then she wrote an article. I don’t remember what she said, but she doesn’t do things that you might do on a daily basis. A lot of times with women it’s not having the body you want. Well, that is her job, her full-time job, so if you can’t fit in working out the same amount of time that she can, it’s not your fault, because you have other things that you’re doing with your time. I don’t know that I quite answered your question. It’s not a quote exactly but I really liked her message with that.”

What does that mean to you personally to absorb that? How do you translate that?

“To me, it’s the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Just like the project you’re doing: what’s inside isn’t always the same as what’s on the outside. Somebody might look like their life is all together and they might be depressed with suicidal thoughts on the inside, and you don’t know. Whereas maybe that person who looks crazy messed-up is one who’s happiest with their life, the person who everyone thinks is weird—right?—because they’re doing things differently and all of that. Maybe they’re the one who’s happiest with their life and don’t always compare with other people and think that everything’s better for them. It’s just different.”

How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me today?

“Fine. Talking to you, though, I’ve shared more personal things with you that I don’t always tell some people close to me. Scary, though, I know your idea is to share them with others, and it’s not something I’ve shared with a lot of people, though what keeps me from sharing has more to do with people’s reaction, not that I have a problem sharing it.

“I do share with the people who are open to it. My best friend is on a very similar type of journey, and we share those types of things all the time, so it’s not that I have a problem sharing it; but not many people are receptive, and I’m sure you’ve found that as well with your journey. Underneath it all I think they are, but, I don’t know, you might know better than I do. Whether it’s fear or jealousy or frustration that keeps them from openly accepting somebody who’s doing something different, in whatever way that is—sometimes that is they look different or they did something different or, yeah, they’re just taking a different path than everybody else. So yeah, it’s scary to share that.”

Do you think that it’s possible that you can be benefiting someone else by sharing your experiences?

“I hope so. Like I said, I’ve debated starting a blog because I think I could help people. I’ve seen how this fitness lady has helped some people. I’d like to help people on their journey, especially if they’re trying to do things a little differently and trying to live their lives respectful of people and animals and the environment, and even when it’s difficult, giving them someplace to go when they don’t have any other support. When everybody else is telling them they’re crazy or it can’t be done, they need to have that one person, so I hope I can help somebody else. I think we all can help somebody in some way. We all have something to share.

“And that was probably the number-one thing I’ve learned from studying abroad: there is always something you can learn from someone. Everybody, every single person, even when you think it’s somebody who’s all bad, let’s say—and that’s not even true, nobody’s all bad—there’s still something you can take from their life, their actions, and their thoughts just because they’re different. Sometimes when they’re different, that’s when you can learn the most from them. We’re all people at the end of the day going through the same struggles and trying to be happy, trying to be liked, trying to find a place in the world, hopefully.”