#we went to (town where my CSA happened and where my family that has disowned me for speaking up about it all live)
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Hate that I’m having a huge fucking freak out after a really nice day
#we went to (town where my CSA happened and where my family that has disowned me for speaking up about it all live)#which was weird#but I kept trying to focus on the moment#going there for the first time as an adult with a group of women that I love who all support me unconditionally#we were having a great time#and I was reminiscing about the town with my boss because she grew up there#so we both have a lot of formative memories of the same places#but each time I would tell her of some happy childhood memory I also had this ugly nasty thing lurking behind it#like yes my family all live here and I don’t come visit them anymore because they’re defending my abuser#and have made it abundantly clear that I am not welcome or accepted or believed or respected#and I kept trying to shove that down we were having such a good time#and then it was also great because I got to spend the day with Woman I Have Feelings For#but her reaction to the birthday card I made her was not what I had hoped so I was overthinking things the second my day started#and then spending the day with her outside of work made those feelings bubble up real big#but we were in a place that I associate with my trauma and my last relationship ended really traumatically as well#so I had the combination all day of:#do not think about your CSA do not think about it do not think about how your entire family turned on you without question#do not think about how much you’re scared that she has been trying to subtly reject you and you’re embarrassing yourself by not taking a bin#don’t think about how if she does feel the same about you you can’t enjoy any intimacy ever#because of the CSA#and because of the last person you dated#and don’t think about how your body rebels and launches into a trauma response ar the very thought of intimacy#and don’t think about how you’re terrified that you’ll never be able to be intimate without panicking#and don’t think about how you tried to force yourself to be intimate with someone and ended up completely freezing going mute#being retraumatized in another way entirely#don’t think about how terrified you are of the fact that you cannot predict or control that trauma response#how even with your first girlfriend when you wanted to be intimate you would freeze up#and how she yelled at you that one time ‘you never let me touch you’#so yeah lads I’m crying a little bit in the dark#googling ‘how to overcome trauma response during intimacy’
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