#went on a very long deep dive into their tumblr and had the best time of my life

[awstenlookbook]

For New Year's 2012, Awsten wears Mossimo striped l/s thermal shirt (no longer available).

📸Heather Ann Photography via waterparksband

[agrosehamada]

I'm taking a moment to appreciate how healing AG-blr has been for me :) Growing up I was absolutely obsessed with AG, but I didn't really have any friends who were into AG, and my siblings didn't want to play with dolls, so I was kind of left in my own little hyperfixation bubble all alone. I mean my mom liked AG but that wasn't the same as having someone to play with. Yes I hosted multiple AG themed birthday parties and even put on a backyard productions of both the Molly and Felicity plays but no one... Really got it?

I remember the last AG birthday I had, having my brother tell me that my friends were all talking about how they were "too old" for AG when I was out of the room, and I think that was the beginning of the end for me because not too long after that I put my AG dolls in a cedar chest with all their things and closed it up.

I was still kind of interested in AG in highschool. I remember visiting the AG Store when the one in my state opened. And I remember desperately wanting a special doll I could make a wardrobe for and take everywhere with me. I had a little success with a few handmade dolls but nothing that really stuck, and my sewing skills were not up to par with what I wanted to make so I kind of gave up on that too.

Then the end of highschool happened, and I kind of went into survival mode. My mom's health got really bad. I had to start working and taking evening college classes on top of regular highschool and helping out more at home. Which kind of put my mental health in a crisis mode which kind of broke in my first year of college. Which finallygot me the help that I needed. But then I got kicked out for being queer and I was REALLY in survival mode, although I was lucky enough to have first a friend's family and then one of my siblings take me in through the end of college.

I remember getting mildly interested in AG again once I was working my first full time job and living with my first non-family roommates. I was (and still am) really into Big Hero 6 at the time, and when Luciana came out with her little robotics lab I ended up ordering her. Then I bought a secondhand Nellie, one of my grail dolls from childhood I never got to have. So that opened the door.

But then I remember being on Tumblr and finding some AG blogs and being like, "Hey! There's other adults who like AG and create their own characters?" And I really wanted to be a part of that. But I wasn't sure what kind of character I'd want to make. And then I remembered an old BH6 fanbaby I'd made in college and was like, "There's no way AG has a pink hair option." (I didn't really know about doll customizing back then so I didn't know wig swaps were a thing.) And then I checked the CYO generator and guess what was an option? XD

I was not in the best financial state, so it took a few months for me to be able to afford Rose, and then another anxious month of waiting for Rose to get here, in the meantime trying to plan out her wardrobe in the style of the og historical girls. And I made a placeholder blog for once she finally got here.

I finally came home to her delivery sometime in the early am after an event--if you go waaay back to the very beginning of this blog you can find a video of me very emotionally opening Rose's box for the first time XD Love at first sight for sure, I was happy to have my little girl home, and I had no clue how she'd change my life.

From there snowballed my deep dive into doll clothes making--I planned to buy Rose's clothes originally, but I couldn't find a school uniform I liked, and there was a very specific anime winter coat I wanted to make. I'd been making cosplays for a few years but then, so my sewing skills were finally up to the task. And then I just kept getting more cute outfit ideas and so... I just kept making them XD

And then I started posting pictures of the outfits on this blog. And adding new dolls to the family and posting about them too. And I am so honored you guys were so excited about my posts and brought me into the community! I saw your posts and got the inspiration to start taking Rose out places to get pictures, and she quickly became my emotional support doll, going everywhere with me and helping me through some of my worst mental health times. And I've been fortunate enough to actually get to meet some of you in person, and talk with so many of you online! And I even managed to rope my best friend into AG with your support XD It's really been such an amazing community, and I finally have friends who get my love of AG, and I finally have that special doll I take everywhere with me :)

So--thank you, AG-blr ^^ You're all amazing, and I look forward to many more adventures with you :)

[samanthaandlife]

Therapy- This is likely my last deep unload of secrets. As I was warned, Tumblr is not the best place to reveal secrets without much unwanted attention. My choice to be detailed will help me accept myself and choices. I need to finish this but to my dear reader, please be kind!

Recap, I am an only child, raised in a tiny town in South Georgia. Church, sweet tea, and Bless her heart were just part of the culture; a place where no one ever locked their doors and the biggest crimes were public drunkenness and shoplifting. My parents both worked so in the summer they had to find someone to take care of me. Daycare was way too expensive and my mom’s sister, Sharon, was a teacher and had the summers off. She and her husband Jim lived nearby, on Lake Blackshear. Jim was in finance, worked for some company in Chicago, that’s where they met, and apparently did very well for himself. Sharon wanted to be closer to her sister so they decided to move south. I practically lived at the lake every summer, for as long as I could remember; I even had a room in their house which I always kept, among other things, a bathing suit. Sharon and Jim were my absolute idols and I wished on so many occasions that they could be my parents! A big part of why I chose to be a teacher was because of Sharon, I tried imitating everything she did. She always went to church with my family but Jim chose to stay home, which my parents disliked very much. Sharon was different from my parents when it came to her faith. She never liked using Bible passages for any argument as she had read the book cover to cover and realized there were many contradictions in the book. She tried her best to love God and love her neighbor without judgment. She also donated time and money to charity and one of her summer commitments was volunteering at a homeless shelter the third Tuesday of each month. On these days Jim would watch me and we always had a great time. He taught me card games, showed me magic tricks, and shared stories about when he served in the Marines. I was in absolute awe around him, he was a big man 6’3” and really fit for 40. It’s fair to say that I very much looked forward to the third Tuesday of each month!

The summer I was 11 was no different than any other year with one small exception, I had gotten taller and my one piece was just too small for me to comfortably fit into. When Uncle Jim suggested we take the first swim of the summer, I was super excited only to discover I couldn’t reasonably fit into my suit. When I told my uncle, with disappointment, he told me not to worry and he told me that he had a secret. He said that he hated wearing his suit and almost always swam naked. It’s fair to say that their house was in fact secluded, even on the lake. Their house sat back in a small cove with no other houses so it was reasonable. He, right in front of me stripped, revealing the biggest dick I had ever seem. Well, to be honest, other than my dad’s when I walked in on them having sex, he was the only naked man I had ever seen. He encouraged me to take off my clothes and come join him for a swim and then he walked down to the dock. Now, let me be clear here, I looked like a boy with long hair and no penis. I was so afraid but I did as told and removed my clothes, grabbed a towel and joined my uncle on the dock. I’ll never know why I did that, given my self-consciousness about my body, but I did.

When I got to the dock he was already in the lake so I dropped my towel on the dock and did my best dive from the dock, just like he had taught me a few years earlier. I swam and played around in the water, god how I loved the lake! Eventually I decided to warm up and dry off on the dock. Jim was already sunning himself, lying on his back and didn’t seem to notice when I joined him on the dock. I was so embarrassed but I trusted this man and I was also absolutely captivated by the sight of him and I believe that was why I decided to sun myself next to him. It was nice, the warmth from the sun, the sound of the water under the dock, birds singing, it was perfect! Then I heard some strange noises coming from next to me and I was unprepared for what I saw. My uncle was stroking, now an even more impressive dick. I just sat and watched, trying not to make a sound, as he quickly moved his hand up and down his shaft. He looked over at me and must have seen the amazement on my face, he stopped his stroking and asked me if I had ever masturbated before? I don’t remember what I said but I just shook my head. I think it’s important to mention that at this time I fully believed that my private parts were for my future husband only! You only touch that part to pee and eventually my period but no other reasons!

He looked lovingly at me and said “Here, let me teach you,” and he took my hand then showed me my clit. With some awkward motions and more instructions I found myself for the first time. He returned to his own enjoyment and there we were both touching ourselves out on that dock for everyone to see. I was simply being awkward, but Jim was having a moment. When I watched him shoot his load all over his hand and stomach I was instantly disgusted for I assumed it was pee. He assured me that it was not pee but the nectar of the gods for all women. He told me that one of the major reasons women marry is so they can have the nectar anytime they want it. I asked him why and he told me that a man’s nectar helps women become fully women and in my case it would probably help my boobs come in. He licked some of his off his finger in a way to show me it was safe and then told me to try it. I did as told and I licked my uncle’s cum off his finger. It didn’t taste like much, a little salty maybe, it just looked disgusting but I was so fascinated. He eventually “fed” me all that we could find so I could grow my boobies, so he said.

He jumped back in the water to cool off and, I now imagine, to clean off as well. When he got out, moments later, he grabbed his towel and suggested we head up for lunch. That was it, never mentioned again, a secret we both shared. When my mom picked me up that day the only thing I mentioned was that I needed a new swimsuit. Needless to say, I couldn’t stop thinking about it and in my bed at night I practiced the moves he showed me. Days later my first orgasm took me by surprise and I moaned so loud that my mom came to check on me. I told her that I had a nightmare but I was fine now and boy was I! I wanted to tell Jim so badly about my discovery but something told me to wait until the 3rd Tuesday. It was miserable waiting so long to share but by then I had been pleasuring myself nightly. The guilt that I carried with that knowledge was overwhelming, believing that I was going to hell and I might never get a husband. So, why did I continue knowing the consequences? That is one of the questions that has bothered me all of these years.

I waited for that next 3rd Tuesday with a blend of anxiety, dread, and bold excitement. Having polarizing emotions is a real challenge, so much so that I almost told my mom everything on the drive that morning. Instead I just suffered in silence watching each mile pass before me. The closer we got I became more and more nauseous to where I almost asked my mom to pull over but knowing it might lead to questions I just rolled down the window for some air. There he was standing in the driveway waving and a big smile on his face, Sharon at his side. My mixed emotions continued as I tried to put on a happy face for everyone. Closing the door and watching my mom drive away was a moment that I will never forget. When Sharon left and we were all alone is when the tears came and I just unloaded on him, all of my fears and discoveries, everything! I was so spent, emotionally, after that, once the tears finally dried; he held me, comforted me, reassured me and apologized for his actions. I forgave him and soon things got back to normalish until he went down to the lake naked. This time I had a new two-piece, that I actually thought I looked cute wearing. I thought to myself that if he wanted to be naked, that was okay, this time I’ll keep my clothes on!

Like the month before, we swam, sunbathed, and he pleasured himself on the dock. This time he asked if I wanted to help him; I was so fascinated with his maleness, I eagerly agreed. Here I was stroking this huge dick out on that dock, taking my two small hands to keep him going. The thrill I had, it was just amazingly to me. As many men find, the girl got tired just at the wrong moment. I was exhausted from moving my hands up and down so fast and so long that I couldn’t hold up my arms. This was the only time he ever yelled at me, he must have been so close and for me to just stop frustrated him and he lashed out at me. He grabbed my hands, put them around his cock, then put his hands over mine and stroked himself off. I knew that I should have never been with my aunt’s husband in this way but he had convinced me so completely that what we were doing wasn’t sex but just human pleasure. The same reason that I wasn’t ruining my wedding night, touching yourself or someone else just wasn’t sex. This time when he released some did land on my arm and his legs. He told me to lick it off my arm and I did as told. He used his fingers to feed me from his legs and then jumped onto the lake.

The following 3rd Tuesday was eventually one of the last summer days I would ever spend at the lake. The third and last time I would share alone time with my uncle started like the previous two. I don’t know why that dock made him so different but it did. We can be sitting inside next to each other and he never brushed against me or accidentally touched me, nothing like that, only on that stupid dock. This final time he reminded me of how when he released his nectar it would go everywhere and so much was wasted. He explained another way that I could help him and in turn help me with my growth, it was a win, win. When he did release in my mouth, it was so much, I just couldn’t keep all of it in my mouth and just swallowing wasn’t on my mind so I ended up spitting most of it out. I apologized so much for “wasting” it. When it was over we walked back up that path to the house, never to talk about it. I never got the opportunity to tell him that I finally masted that oral skill as well as my boobies did finally grow! Ha! Jim died a few years ago from a brain aneurysm. What happened between us was wrong and a long time ago. Despite everything, I did learn a few valuable lessons, so maybe I need to thank him for the good parts. I guess my biggest secret in all of this is that knowing it was so wrong, I enjoyed the experience. I never saw my uncle as a partner but I did lust for him in my head for many nights to follow; and for that I am deeply ashamed!!!

So, yeah, that’s my darkest deepest secrets, they no longer hold power over me if all of you are reading it. I am no longer embarrassed by what happened. I know I was just a child and that my actions are to be forgiven. I also knew what lust and desire that I experienced was wrong but I just didn’t understand why. My bodies response was that of a normal hetro-woman when first introduced to sexual pleasure just like the guilt of a rape victim finds sexual pleasure in her attack. I know that I am not to blame for what happened; I also know that I never once said no.

[personthattoleratesme]

soo, this is not the first time I'm getting into a fandom that's over a decade old (i seem to have a knack for it) and it's always so exciting, it almost makes me feel like an archaeologist or detective piecing together the history of an ancient civilization

well, okay, back on track:

after those initial videos i mostly watched their post 2019 joined content which turned out to be a great thing because a) there isn't that much of it, so it felt very approachable b) it helped immensely in getting to know their current selves (this probably sounds weird, what i mean is that they have changed over the course of the years (even beyond the obvious 'they are out and more true to themselves than ever before') and it was good to get to know the status quo before diving into the past) c) it's simply great entertainment

i then went on a Dan's Long Videos™️ spree, watched daily dystopia and phil's newer videos and finally gave into the urge to take a look at the tumblr fandom, which I'd been avoiding on purpose up until then because honestly, i was scared of what it would be like. i was quite pleasantly surprised at how chill is here (I won't lie though, there were a few things that almost activated my fight-or-flight reflex because they sounded a bit too similar to that fandom, but overall i have come to the conclusion that i do like it here).

anyways, at that point i would've felt pretty lost facing such a giant mountain of lore and videos if it wasn't for dan and phil and phannies being so goddamn nostalgic. just by hanging around here and watching their videos you get a pretty good idea of what is important, be it a rough timeline of what happened when and where or what the most iconic and best videos are.

i had so much fun going through the pinofs, the crafting channel, their more or less desastrous attempts at baking, the og google feud, random gaming channel vids from golf to the impossible quiz and i could go on, it is honestly addicting. it's also quite dangerous because there is always more to watch and i know that i have barely scratched the surface.

also, it's really interesting to go back to the first videos I've watched and to see how much my perspective and understanding of them has changed in that short amount of time

by now I've dialled down the binging a little bit and am just jumping from one recommendation to the next, but i do (possibly ignorantly) feel like i have the most important things covered and am now simply enjoying the ride.

if you have any personal favs you feel like i might not have seen yet, please do feel free to share them! :)

- a now very tired new phannie

anon you seem to have taken a pretty good approach. starting with the post-2019 joint content is definitely a lot easier than watching the mountain of joint content from before that. eventually you'll probably catch up on everything but in the meantime as long as you've got most of the important videos i think you'll be fine in the fandom.

i do think there's still some demon phannie tendencies here on tumblr (i include myself in that) but i think generally we do try to keep it respectful, and also we try to kind of keep it away from them and just have our demon discussions in our safe little pocket of the internet.

yeah you've truly come here at a great time in terms of nostalgia. i mean the roblox video alone is just pure nostalgia content and probably helped you get to know the lore of the iconic london apartment. and generally we're all just really sappy about them and their relationship so old vidoes and gifs are always circling around.

you just made me do a deep dive into all of their channels to remember what videos they even have and i think i have a good selection of recommendations in case you haven't watched them:

the photo booth challenge (dan's channel), and the wardrobe (phil's channel), both iconic fan favorites

all of the day in the life videos (manchester, london, festive, japan, australia), they're not big on vlogging so it's nice to get the occasional little slices of their domestic life

dan's internet support group series, not too big of a series but very dan

dan's diss track, also very iconic

giving the people what they want

all of the sims videos (it's a lot, i know, but it's great to watch if you're ever bored)

overcooked, they played it a couple times on live streams and there's just something about them without any editing that's very fun to watch

keep talking and nobody explodes

the top dan memes videos, great to catch up on some lore

there's a lot more probably but these are the ones i can think of right now.

there's also a lot of lore hidden in all the live things they did, which there is a lot of cause they each used to to weekly live streams, they had a weekly radio show, and then the lockdown stereo shows. i would recommend just looking up some compilations of those, they usually contain a lot of the important lore moments. the stereo shows are quite fun to listen to as podcasts, so i would recommend doing that. also because it's a lot more recent than their old live streams it's a lot more relevant.

anyway, another very long answer. if you have more things to say feel free to do so :)

[boop-someone-today]

Hahahaha I’ve been thinking about this but I don’t think it’s long enough to post as a complete fanfic so I’ll just post it here. Tumblr is now my shit post of ideas when they can’t be long enough.

Anyway, Qi Rong don’t exist I guess🤷‍♀️

He didn’t choose violence today🤭

Here you go, Xie Lian angst…

“Xie Lian crawled out of the well. He had slipped on the way up and had to restart a few times, but he made it. As his feet hit the ground, he slumped and sighed, feeling drained and numb after saying hello to his parents. Rouye slithered about, trying to comfort but understands that if he did anything, he would make it worse, but wanted to show sympathy.

Xie Lian gave a gentle pat to Rouye and began walking. He wasn’t walking away from Mt. Taicang, quite the opposite. He was walking further up, to the peak. Along the way his robes obtained more rips, and he had gathered more scratches, unfeeling of them. The further up he went, the denser the forest got, to the point that unless you knew the way, you would never find the path paved under centuries of dirt.

When he finally broke threw the foliage, he has met with a tall skeleton of a temple. The wood somehow still standing, though charred beyond repair, and stone pillars that had toppled over, the tallest still standing just over his head.

After quickly locating the best place to climb up the beams, he scurried his way up, finding balance at the top. The wood was sturdy enough to support him through mystic means, but it worked. And he was grateful for it.

After he found the best spot to sit, he sat in the direction of XianLe, and dropped his head in shame.

There were many reasons for him to feel shame, he just couldn’t identify which one this time.

But before he could dive too deep into a spiral of self-loathing, he heard something, and something bright was just ahead. His head shot up.

Right where XianLe rested, there was a huge and glamorous kingdom, stretching for miles. He could just make out the city walls, covered in flowers in his honor. He could see the Main Street, covered in vendors filled with merchants selling gorgeous jewels worth fortunes, and women without compare but each other play music like no other. Everything was covered in a thin, but very shiny, layer of gold, making the city so bright during the day, it was almost blinding. And he could see home. A home that held his mother, and his father, and his cousin, and Feng Xin and Mu Qing, those nice cooks and washerwomen, his pets and treasures. It held all he ever dared to hold so dear, what he wishes he could have preserved, what he could have saved. He felt his tears build and fall.

So he blinked.

And it was gone.

All that was left was a blank plain of grass.

And suddenly he wanted to be a child, wrapped in his mother’s arms.

He also wanted San Lang. He wanted the man to hold him, to tell him it was alright. But he wouldn’t dare. Even if he was crying for him, choking his name out as he sobbed.

“Ma-ma! S-San La-ng! I wan-t you! Wh-ere are you!”

His sobs were a wretched sound, more of an animal then human. He was sobbing towards the heavens, and screamed his heart out over what he lost. And for the wish the people he wanted to comfort him to come back.

But he understood it wouldn’t happen, he just… he just wanted a moment for himself.

Just a little moment to sob. And no one be there to taunt him. Call him weak and to be a man.

He wanted to sob like a child, and so he did.”

[fyeahundergroundmusic]

#MusicMonday - July 3rd, 2023

I feel like I’m always looking for a new way to do #MusicMonday because I can’t quite get it to go the same across all of the platforms I post on. I do it one way on TikTok, another on WhatsApp, a different on Facebook, and I gotta figure out another way for Instagram because the volume doesn’t work anymore. 

Returning to SoundCloud works for me because it allows me to make a playlist. I’m a bit stuck in my ways, but SoundCloud kind of forces you to try new people and a lot of them tend to not be mainstream. The decision to properly blog #MusicMonday also means that I’m reviving my Tumblr blog, F Yeah Underground Music, so the artist selection on SoundCloud works best for that vision. 

Just about all of the artists featured this week are all new to me and were chosen mostly by sound. I may not always catch the words, but your girl loves a melody.

MiLES. 

I don’t know too much about MiLES., but it looks like he’s from Atlanta and recently graduated high school. He may or may not have been valedictorian, but, from the pictures, he gave a speech at the ceremony. Congrats to the young man. 

As I said earlier, I really pick these things by sound. As long as I can groove to your music, I’m probably going to get into it. It take me about a month’s worth of listens really get into anyone’s lyrics, and I just don’t have the time for that in regards to this measure. 

What I like about MiLES’s “Oxygen” is the groove of it. I could see myself listening to this on a drive, or even playing this during a kickback. It gives me a very chill vibe, and that’s something I like on a normal day. 

I’ve given the rest of MiLES’s current project Everywhere and Nowhere At All a listen, and I think it’s a solid effort. If you think “Oxygen” is something you could get into, I suggest given the rest of it a try to. 

Oblé Reed

There’s probably a lot to know about Oblé Reed, but he doesn’t seem to have an About section on his website. That doesn’t work for me. I’m not bothering to listening to enough to become a fan, and I’m not invested enough to do a deep dive. 

So what do I know about Oblé Reed? He’s from Seattle, WA, he’s biracial, and he looks like he’s younger than me. 

So how did he get on this list? The same way everyone else did: I liked the sound. All things being fair, rap is not my genre, and Oblé Reed only found his way onto this list because I wasn’t paying attention to SoundCloud’s algorithm. It worked though. 

In my head, Seattle, WA had always been a music city because I remember Nirvana and I’m an Allen Stone fan. However, I wouldn’t consider Seattle a rap city, and, in my opinion, that probably helps Oblé Reed, not hinders him. 

Kanii

I feel like Gen Z is all over this list. Kanii is a 17-year-old, TikTok darling living his life on the Jersey Club scene. 

I really need these cats to get someone to write their “About” sections, because I’m way too lazy to do more than casually skim. 

I was put on to Jersey Club about the same time as I was made aware of Baltimore Club, which was about a decade ago. A former friend of mine was from Baltimore, and House music was having a small mainstream resurgence, so he felt like he needed to show me some things. I’ve been a casual fan ever since. 

As a TikTokker myself, I’d be lying if I said that I’d never heard “I Know”, but not enough that it clicked while I was listening to it on SoundCloud. I actually didn’t realize what was going on until I went to make my #MusicMonday posts for TikTok last night. I won’t say that Kanii has gotten big due to the virality of his songs, but he definitely knows how to market himself well. 

Kiana Ledé

I keep running into Kiana Ledé, either because I’m supposed to or because she’s just been around since forever. My first introduction to her was a cover of Drake’s “Hotline Bling” back in 2016, but I’ve heard that she may have been a Kidz Bop girlie back in the day. 

I have no idea what Kiana is about or has been about, but bless her for bothering to have a Facebook page. Bless her for writing anything in the “About”, and being around long enough for a proper Wikipedia page. Maybe it’s because I like her that I’m even bothering to look, but I don’t trust the previous three to have even that right now. Gen Z needs to have a little mystery, and people who can’t bother to write “About” sections are unlikely to have Wikis. What would be there to tell? 

In any case, “Bitter Bitch” is the first song on Kiana’s Grudges album, and I thought it was a great intro. Is it the best song on the album? Hell no, but I’m willing to hold those for another day and an official video. It’s cute though, and that’s really all I cared about. 

Hiroba

The addition of this song might raise some eyebrows, because it’s in Japanesse, but I have to remind everyone that I really be picking these songs off of vibes and sounds. 

“Futatabi” is the end theme for The End of the World With You, and I have been obsessed with it since the first episode. It is exactly what I want to hear while holding someone’s hand as we wait to die during a meteor strike. 

I can’t tell you anything about Hiroba beyond the fact that he’s a Japanese man. He has all of the right music accounts, but nothing that will tell me what I need to know in English. Again, I’m also being lazy about this, but #MusicMonday is really a labor of love for me, and I’m not looking to do work. 

Ai Otsuka is featured on the song, and, to may understanding, she is also a Japanese artist and actually has a Wikipedia page. 

If you’ve made it this far, I really appreciate it. As I’ve said before, #MusicMondays is a labor of love. It’s also a good reason to restart F Yeah Underground Music over on Tumblr. So while I can’t promise that this will be an every Monday thing, I at least can promise that I’ll do my best with it when I do. 

I wanted to upload the SoundCloud playlist in full, but neither WordPress nor Tumblr is embedding it right. However, if you’re interested, it’s the post directly under this one. 

Written for both eurydicehowell.com and F Yeah Underground Music

[adreamingwitch]

Helllooo~

I feel kinda weird starting a tumblr without making a proper intro so that’s what this post will mostly be.

I’m Marie, the being behind ADreamingWitch, my new lil sticker/art shop. I’m 26y/o, a creative being, writer, & tarot reader. I love learning, particularly about psychology, and all things mystical/magical.

I’ve been making art and dabbling in various creative hobbies my entire life. I’ve mainly been a traditional pencil to paper kinda artist, but I was lucky enough to have an opportunity to get an iPad Pro last year and have been playing around with procreate for that entire time. I’m no expert by any means, the app certainly still has secrets for me to uncover… but I’m to the point where I’m pretty confident in the little things I create here and there.

Stickers came to be last late fall, when I was trying to figure out a way to put my art out there. I’ve never been that fond of sharing my work prior, but I wanted that to change. My in-laws graciously gifted me a Cricut maker for Christmas, which opened a plethora of creative doors. At first I thought about doing t-shirt designs, but then realized I’d have to also learn sublimation for that and well…I didn’t feel like buying all that extra stuff tbh. Then I came across the idea for making stickers with your cricut, and I was intrigued. I’d been a modest sticker collector, and loved the idea of putting my art or any other design I wanted onto a sticker. I went absolutely crazy drawing up designs for weeeeks, until Christmas finally came and I was able to start the real test work.

Oh sticker paper… there are SO MANY. Label paper, vinyl paper, glossy or matte… it was overwhelming. But after I got my first test batch printed I knew I was hooked. This shit was truly addicting. I bought more paper to test, watched copious amount of videos on comparisons and tips, learned how to make a sturdy sticker that would hold up in water by testing different sealer options… and then got to where I am now. A several month obsessive deep dive and hundreds of sticker prints later, I finally had something that I could consider a finished product.

My main hope is to share my art and creations with people all around, and spread some of that love and joy I feel making them! I make everything from a place of love (cheesy i know) and honestly pour my all into it. I can’t half-ass things I care about, it just isn’t me. If I’m gonna put it out there, you best believe I spent a lot of time perfecting it before that. I just wanna reach all the other potential witchy, creative, or dreamer people out there. Sooo that’s what I’m here for. 🫶🏻

Well, that was a bit long for an intro about stickers, but if you read it all I thank you very much!! I really am excited for this new journey and to see what other ideas come to life for me in the future. Until then I hope y’all enjoy my little creations 🥹✨🫶🏻

[heatherwitch]

Hey, Mouse! I've been into witchcraft for years now--but I admittedly have been neglecting my studying of it... it's hard with some kind of fatigue based, unnamed disability. And a learning disability... hoo.... but I'm not here to complain! I think my issue is... well, I have no direction! There are SO MANY fields of witchcraft, and I have NO idea which ones I resonate with! My love for nature and the world is so big and all-encompassing, it's near impossible to pick a favorite thing! I guess I'm not sure where to start--or if I ever even started in the first place! So... any advice for a lost witch?

Hello hello! First and foremost, there’s often an impression from blogs on tumblr that we’re all studying and practicing 24/7, just because we’re actively making and reblogging content on tumblr.

I personally have gotten to the point in my craft where it’s on the back burner, I spend most of my energy at my job. While I do feel it is important to continue to learn and read different opinions/experiences than yours, at a certain point the constant studying is no longer beneficial. In my life currently, I know enough that when I need a spell or magical boost, I can just create one in the moment. I read witchcraft-related books only when I want to or when I’m wondering about a certain topic and other witches views on it. My practice isn’t constant, it’s need-based.

As to figuring out where to go next, I think the most important thing is figuring out what works for your brain. Maybe the best thing is picking a topic that sounds interesting and sticking with it, or dabbling in anything and everything that sounds interesting.

For example (in my naturalist journey, not my witchcraft one) when I moved to a new region it was right on the cusp of winter and not the best time to deep dive into learning about everything that lives in the area. I spent time with the plants and identified what I could based on near-winter foliage, making notes on everything and really challenging myself. Then the snow started and I waited until spring to meet those plants again in a different season with different looks.

In deep winter, I shifted to learning about the mammals of the region; both the ones that were awake and active and simply reading about the ones who would return in the spring. I got multiple heavy books on the behavior of mammals in the area, and saw that in action with the winter species and had that knowledge in my mind when in the field this spring and summer.

I also got incredibly focused on birds again in mid-winter, which felt challenging at first because I could bird for 3+ hours and see a max of eight species. But I stuck with it and got to know those species and their winter behavior very well, and come spring I was able to notice as soon as another species returned because it was different than the baseline I’d grown familiar with.

With spring and summer came an overwhelming amount of options, and I’ve been allowing myself to follow my interests with no pressure of sticking to a certain topic. For a while I went on weekly walks to meet all the new flowering plants, and when that no longer felt nourishing I stopped doing it. I was birding daily for most of the early summer and then I had a hard time focusing on it so I stopped doing it until I felt called to again. As much as I love tracking, the terrain here is difficult and it’s more exhausting than it is rewarding, so it’s more of an accidental thing when I stumble across tracks and sign. I recently realized I know very little about insects, what got me excited about it was seeing multiple species of beetles I didn’t know on the same day but right now I’m documenting anything and everything I come across. Who knows how long that will last but right now I’m learning a lot!

And the thing is, when I’m out there focusing on one thing I still see and learn new things about everything else I’d been focused on in the past. I have to figure out what flower the tiny beetles are on to help identify them, or I stumble across an elk carcass during my flower walk and watch the jays scavenging. Its all connected and learning about one topic will help you with other topics.

That was quite the tangent! My main point is I’ve found a lot of benefit from just picking something you’re interested in, even if there are a lot of things. Focus on it for a while—a few hours to a few months, and even if that ends up not being for you it may lead you to something that is, and you’ll still have knowledge and skills that will help you in the future. Go with the flow of where your attention and interest go from there. Often the hardest thing to do is start, and once you find/regain your footing you won’t want to stop, even if you’re being pulled in many directions!

I hope this was helpful and not just me rambling about nature! I guess my main point is sometimes you really have to work towards learning something and return to it when the opportunity arises, and sometimes opportunities will naturally present themselves and it feels incredibly easy. And there’s benefits to both. I used to be the type of person who could study and focus on the same topic for YEARS no problem (like wildlife tracking), but with how my illnesses have changed my brain, I’ve had to adapt and figure out my new learning styles.

[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML Fic: Soulmate Survey Part 38

Sorry for the delay. Real life gets out of hand. But here it is! The antepenultimate chapter.

Shout out to @asongeverlasting for beta reading for me and making sure I actually got this out.

Check her writing out on AO3 as Ramblingwren

(Master post)

(Read the fic in a more condensed on Ao3)

(The latest chapter will be up on there once this reaches over 500 notes on tumblr)

Hope you all enjoy

_____________________________________________________________

“I shouldn’t have let her go out there.”

Fu watched the school nurse, Angela, fret as she paced back and forth.

“I understand your concern, but I believe that it will all be alright. Ladybug and Chat Noir haven’t failed in handling an akuma yet,” he explained. “The girl will be okay.”

The nurse stopped pacing.

“I appreciate your optimism but… I am really not used to this,” She said as she gestured to the air.

Fu blinked at the statement.

“Oh?”

“This! This whole thing! Super villains that appear whenever someone gets sad, teenagers with superpowers! This is all new to me! I just moved to Paris a month ago from the countryside. All I wanted was to further my education and get work in the medical field. It… It boggles my mind that everyone in this city is so okay with all of this! Even my new boyfriend Curtis is able to shrug off an akuma attack like a sudden drizzle. This isn’t normal!”

The guardian could tell the young woman was distressed, and he couldn’t blame her. In a way, he envied her. This was all foreign for her, but to him, this was his entire life.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blow up like that. I've had a lot to deal with, and this whole situation is just so…”

Fu moved to her and helped her sit down.

“It’s alright, this is by no means a good situation. Your concerns are very understandable. I can tell that deep down that your frustration and fear come from compassion and empathy. You will make a wonderful doctor one day.”

She took a deep breath.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much I really needed to hear that today.”

“How about I teach you a medication technique that will help you calm down?”

“Meditation? I'm not really one for that kind of stuff.”

“If one wants to be a doctor, being able to calm down and handle an emergency situation is a must.”

The school nurse agreed that he had a good point, and that this may help get her mind off of things.

“Okay, I guess I'll give it a shot.”

Fu smiled.

“Good. Let us start simple. Close your eyes and put your hands together.”

Angela felt the action was a bit odd but complied.

“Now, take a deep breath. Count to 5 in your head and then breathe out.”

She took her breath and followed the order.

“Whenever you feel a thought come to your head, simply picture yourself putting it out of your mind and into a bucket.”

She tried her best to comply.

As she did this, Fu moved behind her and quickly pinched a nerve on her neck, causing the young woman to seize up for a moment before losing consciousness.

“That will help her relax.”

He carefully moved her to the cot and laid a sheet over her like a blanket.

Once it was clear that she was asleep, a turtle kwami flew out of hiding.

“So, what do we do now, Master?”

Fu took a moment to consider.

His plan was already in motion. Ladybug and Chat Noir had plenty of allies to help fight the akuma. All that needed to be done was to sit down and wait.

But as he thought about it more, he couldn’t help but think that he should go in personally. It was what he'd initially planned to do with akuma, after all. Listening to this young woman’s fears made him really see how his inaction has led to such fear and uncertainty.

For once, it was time for him to go on the offensive.

“Now we head out and find this akuma.”

“Master, you already sent out three miraculous. Let the other heroes handle this,” Wayzz insisted.

“The people of Paris should not have to become used to this. I have been far too lax with this situation. Right now, Ladybug and Chat Noir are facing their most dangerous akuma yet. For decades I have always remained passive in order to avoid making another mistake, but I have already made so many with my inaction. It's time I stop letting my actions be dictated by fear.”

“But Master, you can’t transform! Your body is too old to handle it!”

“Fear not, Wayzz. I have been exercising and restoring my vitality with the techniques of the guardians. By my estimation, I should be able to maintain the transformation without too much issue for 10 minutes,” Fu assured.

“That is not a lot of time, Master!” Wayzz pointed out.

“True, but it is better than nothing. We will head out and wait for the moment we need it. Be ready, Wayzz.”

The old guardian started heading to the door.

“But Master, what if you get captured? What if the akuma does succeed and you are unable to step in?”

Fu paused at the door.

“I know you are concerned for me. I appreciate your care. But I need to go out there. I have lived a long life, Wayzz, far longer than most humans. One day I may not be here to be the guardian.”

Wayzz felt a pang of sorrow hearing his Master talk about how he would no longer be around.

“But that’s okay. I know that when that time comes… I have two young heroes that will be ready to stand up and fight. The best thing an old man like me can do is pave the road for them.” The guardian said with certainty. He went to open the door.

“Fu…”

The old man stopped. Turning around, he saw the turtle kwami he had known for most of his life smile at him.

“I know you think of yourself as a failure of a guardian… but Su Han and the others were wrong. You are a great one. You are the most caring guardian that has ever held the title. And I will be by your side to the end.”

The old man felt his eyes well up at the sweet comment.

“Then let’s go, Partner.”

___________________________________________________________________________

The dragon heroine grabbed the confused snake hero and moved him to the closest room before closing the door.

“Okay we should be safe here,” she said as she looked over to her comrade. It was clear that Viperion was still very confused. It did not help that both his and her miraculous were beeping. They didn't have much time.

“Thanks… ummm,” Viperion started as he tried to rack his brain for a name. Part of him felt like he should know her. But his mind is blank.

“Ryuuko. You can call me Ryuuko. And you are Viperion.”

“Okay… weird name for me, but I guess it works.”

Ryuuko realized that the bubble Viperion had been put in wasn’t just to keep him frozen in place. One of the side effects must have been leaving him without any memory of who he was. Had her partner been aware of that risk when he took the bubble for her? She couldn’t know for sure. But right now, she needed to focus on the task at hand. Shehad to take charge since her partner was out of sorts.

“Okay, 'll try to explain this as quickly as possible.”

“Your real name is Luka. But when you are in your hero form, you go by Viperion.”

“Hero form...”

He looked down.

“Well, that does explain the costumes. I thought it was some sort of weird costume party.”

Ryuuko decided to ignore that.

“Okay, so I'm a hero. And you're one too?”

“Yes. We are both heroes picked by Ladybug to help her fight villains. Right now, we're fighting a bunch of them, and you got your memory wiped by one of their attacks. That’s why you are confused. Any questions?”

The boy took a moment to look himself over and then look at her. This was a lot of information to take in. Ryuuko was half expecting him to call her crazy. Which, given how bizarre the circumstances were, she wouldn’t blame him.

“Okay, I think if it was anyone else telling me this, I would have called it a load of bull. But… I don’t know why but I feel like I can trust you. You sound sincere,” Viperion responded.

“Okay great, now let's…”

“I still have a few questions.”

Ryuuko sighs.

“Look, we really don’t have much time. We need to hurry and get out there to help…”

And just before she finished the statement, both of their transformations wore off. Revealing their civilian forms.

“Oh no.” Kagami muttered in horror.

“What happened? Where am I… What am I?” The snake kwami questioned as he looked at himself.

“It appears that Sass was also impacted by the amnesia.” The dragon kwami that popped out of her necklace commented.

Luka stared wide eyed at the creature.

“Are you a snake?”

“A snake? I suppose?”

“A snake with limbs? That is very rock and roll.”

The two fistbumped. Thankfully they seemed to get along.

Longg looked at them.

“This is quite a predicament.”

“We need to hurry back in. Longg! Bring the….”

“Hold on a moment. Both Sass and I will not be able to do that yet.”

Kagami stopped.

“How come?”

“We need to refuel. The energy of transforming AND using our unique powers drains a lot out of us. We need some food to continue.”

“Food… Okay.”

The snake Kwami grabbed his stomach.

“I find myself rather famished,” he commented.

Luka looked at him.

“Let me see if I can help you out.”

The teen took off the backpack he was wearing to go through it. Thankfully there was a bag lunch in there. For some reason he felt that was important. But decided that if it could help the little guy out, he was sure it wouldn’t be a big deal.

He opened the bag lunch and pulled out a bag of apple slices. Opening it to grab a piece.

“I know snakes usually are carnivores, but how about some fruit?”

“Ooo! It smells divine!”

Luka handed the floating kwami a piece of the apple.

He takes a bite.

“Oh! It's delicious! Juicy and sweet!”

The snake quickly devours the apple piece.

As that happens, Kagami looked through her bag.

“I don’t have fruit but I do have some onigiri. It was my afternoon snack… but since this is a dire situation.”

“Rice? Yes please!” Longg exclaimed as he dive bombed right into the delicious rice ball.

“It’s Umeboshi, it’s not to everyone’s taste but It is one of my favorites.”

“It’s the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. The sour plum really brings a new dimension of flavor.”

Kagami smiled a bit at her kwami companion, happy that she could help.

The two Kwami finished their food and were ready for action.

“Okay, Sass. You need to help Luka transform.”

“Sass? Is that my name?” the snake inquired.

“So, he helps me transform into Viperman?”

“Viperion, and yes,” Kagami responded.

“All you need to do is say. Sass, Scales Slither. And to activate your special power just pull your bracelet back and say second chance. Then pull it back when you want to use it. But be sure not to use it right away,” Longg instructed.

“Okay seems easy enough. Are you okay with this?” Luka asked as he turned his attention to his snake pal.

“The floating horn snake seems fine with it so I say let’s give it a try”

Longg decided for the sake of his friendship with Sass to ignore the comment.

“Alright! Let's do this!” Kagami exclaimed as she prepared to transform.

“One last question.”

Kagami was starting to get antsy. She wanted to be back out there fighting. But she held back her annoyance, considering how he sacrificed his memories for her.

“Make it quick, we need to hurry.”

Luka scratches the back of his head.

“Are we a couple?”

If Kagami was drinking water she would have done a massive spit take. Her cheeks turned red.

“What?!”

“You know… together? You seem to know a lot about me, and I just feel this connection... like I can trust you even though I don’t remember anything. I don’t know how or why, but I feel like you matter to me.”

Kagami’s eyes went wide at the comment. It felt surprisingly bold of the musician to say. She had to admit that the statement made her heart skip a beat.

“No, we had just recently become friends.” Kagami responded.

“Oh…” Luka was saddened by the response.

“But, I have thought about the possibility it could be more than that one day," Kagami continued. "But that is something to discuss when you have your memory back. Maybe.”

The fencer felt her mind scream at her.

‘WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! Well, at least he won't remember.’

Luka smiled at that.

“Well, that must mean I must be a good guy, if I could have such a great friend like you.”

The teen prepared himself.

“Alright then! Sass! Scales Slither.”

The musician shifted into his hero form.

“Let’s go save the day.”

Kagami looked at her hero partner and smiled.

“Longg, Bring the storm.

______________________________________________________________________

“Well, that might be a problem.”

Chat Noir and Ladybug looked to see a stone giant guarding the front door of the classroom. The two had hidden just out of the goliath’s view.

“Any ideas on how to take down Mount Akuma?” Chat Noir questioned.

Ladybug looked at the giant from their hiding spot and began formulating a plan.

“Stoneheart grows bigger when he gets mad. These akuma aren’t really able to express their emotions. That means we don’t need to worry about him getting bigger. We just need to find a way to incapacitate him.”

“We could ask Mayura,” Chat Noir pointed out.

“We could ask… wait WHA…”

Chat Noir covered his partner’s mouth and ducked down.

“Shhhh! She’s right there,” Chat Noir hushed.

Ladybug removed the cat’s hand from her mouth and looked from the spot to see that her partner was right. Mayura was in the building!

“She actually showed up?” Oh, this is a lot more serious than we thought. Hawkmoth is really playing it serious with this one.”

“To the butterfly man’s credit, he really has been throwing out some tough ones.”

“I will not give our worst villain credit for anything except this headache,” Ladybug retorted with annoyance.

“So, what do we do? Mayura is in the building and she is talking with the giant.”

Ladybug felt like the situation couldn’t get worse.

“Not so fast, Feather Freak!”

Ladybug recognized that voice.

“Chloé?”

Chat Noir and Ladybug glanced to see a familiar blonde strutting down the hallway. But their expressions of shock shifted to bewilderment when they noticed what she was wearing.

“So are you and that purple fashion blunder here? Or is it just you? I am guessing it's just you. Your boss doesn’t really like to show his face unless he thinks he is sure to win. No wonder Ladybug always kicks his…” The bee themed heroine confidently quipped.

“Queen Bee. Now that is a surprise. I thought Ladybug was done giving you a miraculous.” The peacock villainess commented. She had no interest in dealing with the bee heroine at this time.

“Well, you would be surprised by a lot of things. So how about we settle this. My fist really misses your face.”

Mayura rolled her eyes.

“Fortunately for you, I don’t have the time to deal with you. Stoneheart, I am sure Masquerade would love for you to take care of this pesky bee.”

“Oh don’t think you can walk away! You and that purple cockroach are the same. Both cowards that can’t even face children.” She jeered as she walked forward.

The stone giant moved forward, allowing Mayura to walk to the door and enter.

“Too scared to face me! Typical. I'll beat your pet rock as a warm up and then your butt will meet my foot!” Queen Bee exclaimed with confidence. “Because I am a real heroine!”

Queen Bee got into a stance and prepared to trade blows with the colossus of rock.

Chat Noir looked to Ladybug.

“Did you give her a miraculous?” He whispered in surprise.

“I don’t have any additional miraculous. I thought she had been captured with the rest of the class.”

“Wait… if it wasn’t you… you don’t think…”

“Either Master Fu is in the building and saw how dire the situation was or Chloé snuck away and had a Queen Bee costume stowed away in her locker.”

The two look at each other and immediately come to the same conclusion.

“We need to save her before she gets crushed!”

______________________________________________________________________

Mayura walked into the classroom.

She managed to keep a straight face, but internally she had a lot going through her mind.

What was once a standard classroom now looked like an elaborate throne room. The amazing curtains, the high ceilings. The steps leading up to an elaborate throne. The portraits of Masquerade really brought together the utter decadence and vanity of the akuma persona. It reminds Mayura of Gabriel’s obsession with Emilie in the worst way possible.

Despite finding the décor off-putting, she had to admit it was impressive how Masquerade had been able to change the room into something completely unrecognizable. A testament to her vanity.

She took a moment to see what akuma servants she still had in the room. The Gamer, Reflekta with around 12 copies, Princess Fragrance, Robostus, Zombizou and Horificator. While the white masks obscured their expressions, it was clear that all of them were watching her. It greatly unnerved her.

She kept these thoughts to herself as the masked akuma that was running the school took notice of her.

“Mayura. I've been expecting you.”

Mayura looked up to see Masquerade sitting on the throne.

“Please, come in.”

She approached confidently. Though in the back of her mind something seemed off.

Masquerade stood up from the throne and walked down the steps, a smile of certainty on her face.

“Masquerade. Your Sentimonster gave me the basics of your plan. Securing the school as your base of operations was a good first step. Your plan of creating a video to lower the spirits of those in Paris was also a nice touch,” Mayura praised.

“But of course! My plan is flawless,” Masquerade boasted. “Not even Ladybug and Chat Noir will be able to stop me.”

“Getting ahead of yourself aren’t you?” Mayura cut her ego trip.

Masquerade’s mood soured as her smile faltered.

“What do you mean by that?”

“You have yet to face the two heroes. Not to mention there's a pesky bee flying around.”

“A bee?” Masquerade was very confused by the comment.

“Yes, Chloé Bourgeois, or Queen Bee, to be precise. Seems that Ladybug and Chat Noir went and got back up."

“It doesn’t matter if they have one additional hero or three. This plan won't fail.”

‘Something isn’t right here. I need to leave now!’ Mayura’s mind screamed.

She wasn’t sure why, but something felt incredibly off.

“Speaking of heroes, your plan never really specified how you will deal with them. Care to elaborate?”

Masquerade’s smile grew more sinister.

“I am glad you asked. After Simularé relayed to me that you were here. I finally figured out the perfect way of dealing with those arrogant heroes,” the masked woman stated with certainty, moving forward.

She now stood only a few feet from the peacock villainess.

“Wait a moment, something is wrong here,” Mayura commented as she tried to focus. She couldn’t ignore the warnings in her head.

“What do you mean?” The mask akuma looked with confusion at the blue villainess.

Mayura looked around. Frantically trying to find something but it was fruitless. This distress caused Masquerade to smile.

“I can't sense it,” Mayura spoke with slight worry.

“Sense what?” Masquerade inquired further.

“Where is your amok? It should be on your person but I can't sense it.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Yes. If you don’t have the amok in your possession then that sentimonster will go out of control!” Mayura explained.

“Can’t you just rip the amok out?”

“If it's nearby and I sense it, yes. But I can’t do that if it’s out of my range.”

“So you’re saying you have no power over me right now.” A devilish grin appeared on Masquerade’s face.

“No, I am saying I don’t have any power over the senti…”

Mayura felt a chill as she realized that the masquerade in front of her was not an akumatized Lila.

“Horrificator, block the door,” the Faux Masquerade commanded.

The pink and purple monster quickly moved to block the door with her large form.

The controlled akuma started circling around her as Simularé undid the illusion and morphed into its true specter form, Simularé.

“You ungrateful little monster. You think your master will be okay with you attacking one of the ones that gave her power?”

“My master doesn’t care about you or Hawkmoth. You are a means to an end. And she gave me special permission to take your miraculous from you.”

“Well if your master isn’t here, then no one is jamming the signal. I can contact Hawkmoth and put this little coup to an end.”

Simularé shifted into Lady Wifi.

“I have access to every power my master does. You are trapped with no options.” The sentimonster mocked.

Mayura looked around as she was circled by the controlled akuma. She needed to get out of there.

She felt a pain rush to her head.

‘F*** not now’ She mentally cursed.

The odds were indeed not in her favor.

______________________________________________________________________________

Stoneheart began charging at the bee themed heroine, and just as Queen Bee was about to move, a yo-yo wrapped around her waist and pulled her away from the monster.

The stone giant had expected his charge to make contact but forced himself to stop when he noticed the bee was gone.

“Sorry tiny, but I’m your playmate now,” called a cat-themed hero.

The mindless akuma didn’t visibly react to the change in foe and simply charged at the cat hero.

Queen Bee found herself near Ladybug.

“Chloé! What are you doing?!”

“Uh… Saving the day? I got the jewelry box that you sent out because you needed my help.”

“Jewelry box… wait a minute that means. You are wearing a miraculous.”

“Yep! Don’t worry LB, I will show you that I am worthy of being Queen Bee. And not to boast, but I totally saved someone. But right now, we gotta go beat that ugly pile of rubble.”

Ladybug looked at Chloé for a moment. With the situation as hectic as it was, Queen Bee has shown some competence when there is real danger. Ladybug knew that right now, all hands that could help would be appreciated, and Queen Bee’s appearance could mean that Fu may be closer than she expected. So maybe there were more reinforcements. So if this was the case. She would trust Fu’s judgement.

“Alright, just be ready to return the bee after all of this is over.”

“Right, right, but just know I will probably change your mind about that after this is over!” the bee exclaimed confidently as she jumped back into the fray.

Ladybug shook her head. Whether she was Queen Bee or Chloé, she was still a handful.

“Are you finished gossiping? Because I could REALLY use a hand!” Chat Noir shouted as he held his staff up to hold back the rock monster’s boulder of a fist.

Queen Bee and Ladybug jumped into view and noticed the situation.

“Don’t worry you stray cat, The Queen Bee will put that rock in his place. Ve…”

Ladybug covered Queen Bee’s mouth before she could.

“Hold it. We might need your power for later.”

“I think it would be useful now!” Chat Noir shouted as he struggled to hold the weight of the giant’s rocky hand.

“Okay if my powers are a no no right now, what is the plan?”

Ladybug looked around. She found her attention drawn to a fire extinguisher, Queen Bee, a rubber band, and a discarded backpack.

“Okay, I have a plan.”

______________________________________________________________________

Gabriel had made a decision.

He hurried out of the lair in his civilian form. He was going to head to the school. Now he would just need to get his chauffeur and go…

Gabriel’s eyes went wide as he saw his son’s bodyguard and chauffeur fall to the floor at the steps of the main entrance, a white mask adorning his face that he was desperately trying to get off.

“What is the meaning of this?” Gabriel asked aloud in shock and anger.

He looked to see the mask akuma he created standing at the door.

“Well, if it isn’t Gabriel Agreste. Fashion mogul, and master manipulator.”

Gabriel’s visible anger faded as he stared at the akuma.

“Lila, is that you?”

“Oh quite astute! An amazing deduction. Was it that observational skill that made you the fashion success you are now?” the akumatized Lila inquired. “Though I go by Masquerade now.”

Gabriel knew very well the girl’s powers. He was the one that gave it to her. She was trying to antagonize him, get him angry. But that would not work.

“Well Masquerade, what brings you to my home at this time?” Gabriel asked calmly. Doing his best to keep his tone and mannerisms calm.

“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, finding more people to join my little army and I notice my charm glowing as I was getting near.”

Gabriel’s eyes went wide as he realized something. The charm bracelet was configured to locate anyone that has ever been akumatized. That included him. His ploy to ward suspicion off of himself was now biting him in the butt. And of course, Lila was likely holding a grudge with how he pushed her with his words about his son and his classmate.

“My bodyguard was akumatized. What of it?”

The silent action figure enthusiast stopped resisting and his body began growing. Gabriel noticed the man was transforming into the gorilla akuma. Gorizilla! And he rushed up the steps as the akuma moved and pounded his chest.

“Gorizilla, go gather up anyone who has been akumatized that you know of. I will handle Mr. Agreste myself.”

The giant akuma nodded at its master and headed off, leaving the agreste mansion with a giant hole that was once the front of the mansion.

“Handle me? And what do you plan to do?”

Masquerade’s necklace began to glow.

“Oh! Well that is very interesting,” Masquerade mused aloud as she learned from the glowing charm.

“What do you mean, interesting?” Gabriel asked. He knew that the charm had the bonus effect of pointing out the emotional weak points of those that had been akumatized. But he had PRETENDED to be angry and wasn’t actually emotional when the akuma took over. Did the charm still impact him the same way it did everyone else?

Masquerade started walking up the steps.

“You blame yourself for your wife’s passing.”

The statement was a blade pointed right at his throat. But Gabriel refused to react. He would not let himself be taken advantage of by his own akuma. He has been on the receiving end one too many times and he would be damned if he let that psychopath have control of him.

Masquerade saw that Gabriel was not reacting to the statement.

“I have never seen a man more miserable and pathetic,” Masquerade said. Her words sounded genuine and cutting.

Gabriel tried to turn around and walk away. But Masquerade jumped high with her superhuman agility and landed right in front of him, continuing her tearing down of his emotional state.

“All of this wealth and yet you are obsessed with what you don’t have. You are so blinded by the grief of losing your wife that everything else in your life may as well not exist. You locked yourself away, desperately trying to find something, anything that would bring her back. But now you are finding that color is starting to return in your life. You feel guilt over hiding the truth from your son, you loathe the attraction that you have been developing for another woman. You hate that you can’t dedicate every second to your lost wife and any speck of joy you feel without her here feels like treason since she is not here with you. You are a man so blind with his obsession that you fail to see the world doesn’t revolve around you. It's disgusting.”

“You know nothing of my life,” Gabriel dismissed.

But Masquerade knew he would say that. She only smiled. The truth was right in front of her. And she was ready to bring it home.

“You are actually terrified of facing her again.”

That shook Gabriel.

“What?”

“You are afraid of seeing her again. Whether it’s a year or 10 years, you feel that even if you could bring her back, she would be here and realize how much of a shell you had become without her. You are afraid that your obsession with her will be the very thing that drives her away once you see her again.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Then why haven’t you brought her back yet? Don’t you love her?”

Gabriel felt like his heart was being repeatedly punched.

“How dare you question my love for my wife!”

“Then why isn’t she here? If you loved her she wouldn’t have been taken from you and Adrien. But you were far too pathetic to do it. You failed her, and you are still failing her. You will never be with her again, and deep down. You know it to be true,” Masquerade answered coldly.

Those words were enough to get him down. That is what finally did him in.

Gabriel fell to his knees.

“No…”

Gabriel had broken. Masquerade knew she had him.

He was emotionally devastated, to the point where couldn’t even react to the mask coming his way.

____________________________________________________________

Well now things are now hitting their highest points of drama!

Will Ladybug and other heroes be able to stand up to Masquerade?

Will Mayura fall to Simularé's double cross?

Will I EVER update in time?

Tell me your thoughts on the chapter. Your support keeps it alive

[zephycluster]

Precolonial HWS SEA Rant Post, feel free to ignore

If you're still reading, then you're probably looking for evidence or some juicy tidbits to throw back at me or to try and find dirt to cancel me, like typical Tumblr/Twitter. Go ahead, I don't really care.

First off, let me just say that If you like Precolonial South-East Asia AUs, feel free to keep enjoying them. I will respectfully support your passions from afar. This post is just to explain why I don't like it, especially the way they keep insisting/portraying PH in it.

Still here? Then let me begin.

Since the recent confirmation that the ASEAN Six Majors (Can't really say ASEAN 10 atm since it's still missing some people) Were completed and the Ma-Phil-Indo Trio was included, there has been a large surge in 'Precolonial' fanarts and portrayals of South East Asians, those three especially.

Even long, long before, circa 2010's ish, a rather well-known fan universe known as 'Maaf' dealt with their story and how their Author thought their intertwined histories went. Written by (my best guesstimate) an Indonesian writer who wants to explore the old, SEA bond.

When I first stumbled across Maaf (I was in Highschool at the time, around age 16-ish), I took a casual interest in it and tried to read it through. But, I will wholeheartedly admit that at the time, Pre-Colonial cultures of South-East Asia in general, let alone Philippine, did not really interest me that much. The focus (I think) was mostly on Indonesia, a country I didn't really know back then, and the liberal use of 'ancient' names and artwork just made it feel like an entirely Original Work (that needed a degree in History to really appreciate) and not something from Hetalia. I also completely disagreed with what I could gather was the story's portrayal of PH but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do I hate 'Maaf'? No, I don't hate it. Do I wish I never came across it or that it didn't exist? Of course not. Just because I didn't enjoy it or appreciate it that well doesn't mean I wish any ill toward it, its fans, or its creator.

Fast forward to April 2021, the long awaited inclusion of South East Asia to the canon Hetalia verse. I was happy, the other fans were happy, all was good.

Then started the questionable fanarts, fan theories and fan pairings.

Especially the expansion of Precolonial! PH.

Let's go back to Maaf for one moment. From what I understood of Maaf, PH there was a character who once was like all the other South East Asian cultures, trading with them, all around being a nice family.

But all that changed when the Spaniards attacked, so cry the precolonial buffs. They destroyed everything, ransacked and marginalized the tribes, erased everything that PH was!

Did that happen? ABSOLUTELY. The Spaniards had this vision in mind that they must spread Christianity to all of the 'savage, unchristian heathens' of their realm. :V /s

But back up a second, back to PH's portrayal in Maaf. The way she (yeah, she) was portrayed there was that she was slowly losing her memories of being a 'true' South East Asian and grew more and more westernized in the process, like some sort of Culture-specific Alzheimer's or something.

Firstly, that is seriously depressing, and secondly, I just really don't see that happening.

Here's why.

Point 1: Even before Colonial Masters, Filipinos as a people cannot agree on anything.

I'll just begin this segment with a Philippine proverb that outlines what Filipinos call 'Crab Mentality' or 'Crab Bucket Mentality'.

"You don't need a lid for a container when you're keeping multiple crabs. If you keep at least two crabs together, they will just pull each other down instead of helping each other up."

I don't know how it goes with Indonesian or Malaysian history class, but what I know of my homeland, both pre- and post-colonial history, we were never really 'united' or 'together' in the sense that Indonesia and Malaysia were (from what I assume).

Let me pull up a somewhat related question on r/AskHistorians.

The reason I brought this up as it shows the reasons why, in my opinion, a single entity that is 'Precolonial Philippines-tan' is an impossibility.

The answers are long and would extend this already long post to stupid proportions, so I'll just quote relevant sentences. The link is here for those that wanna deep-dive into the answer.

"All this to say that there wasn't a name used for the entire Philippine islands before the Philippines that people now would agree to. An interesting comparison would be the Holy Roman Empire, which might also be characterized as disparate politico-geographic groups of relatively small size that had a history of relations between each other, but one thing they had that the Philippines did not was a common language, or at least a family of mostly mutually intelligible languages, so that the name Deutschland or Germany isn't terribly offensive to anyone. If you called the Philippines the 'Lupang-Tagalog' or even 'Lupang-Tao' the other ethnic groups would protest."

For those in need of translation, 'Lupang Tagalog' means 'Land of the Tagalogs' and 'Lupang Tao' means 'Land of People', specifically. The first one is already exclusive and offensive, as the Tagalog peoples are but one of many ethnicities here.

And for the 'Lupang Tagalog' suggestion specifically, it's even more offensive as they are the majority ethnicity (not by much, just around 28%) From this chart from Geography Now! It would basically be alienating everyone else in the 72% remainder that isn't 'Tagalog'.

And even 'Lupang Tao', the most generic name in a local language you can think of, would be met with contempt because the name itself is in the Tagalog language.

Just travelling between two individual island groups today would sometimes require a translator because the words can change very rapidly and very drastically. Here's a sample of some differences coming from a friend living in Visayas (in Red) vs. the words I know living in Luzon (In blue).

Ate vs. Manang = Older Sister

Ibon vs. Pispis = Bird

Tumawa vs. Kadlaw = To laugh

Takot vs. Hadlok = Fear

Kain vs. Kaon = To eat

Ngayon vs. Subong = Now, at this point in time

Iyak vs. Hibi/Gibi = to cry

Talampakan vs. Tiil = Foot (in Tagalog, the word retains its 'body part AND unit of measurement' meaning)

Tulog vs. Tuyo = to sleep (Tuyo in Tagalog is either a dried salted fish or 'to dry')

The kicker is that just like Tagalog is just one of many languages here, so too is the language my friend speaks. Ask an entirely new person, like someone from Mindanao, they'll probably have an entirely new set of words.

It's not just Luzon vs. Visayas vs. Mindanao, either. Here's a map listing some of the ethnic groups here.

Even the way they're written differs from location to location.

While we're on the subject of Island divisions, a casual skim across Twitter and Tumblr has shown that their Precolonial PH has been one of the following ancient civilizations: Tondo, Butuan, Sugbu, Namayan. There may have been others but that was what I have found.

Notice how even today, the posters of Precolonial PH can't seem to agree on what he's supposed to be? With Indonesia it's either Majapahit or Srivijaya and Malaysia it's usually Malacca iirc.

What is the big deal? Well, let's go back to the Ask Historians post. "Why didn't the Philippines ever change its name to remove the colonial mark that being named after a Spanish King has?" The answer: "If you suggested something dating to precolonial times, the other ethnic groups would protest."

Since we're on a roll with maps, let me bring this up.

As you can see, the precolonial PH posts have a reason to not be able to agree on one thing, as there is a LOT of options. Do you also see how THAT list is also split up?

It's split up into those aligned with China (Sinified), aligned with India (Indianized), aligned with the Middle East (Islamicized), and no alignment (Animist). Now, let's go back to the main suggestions for which Kingdom/Polity/Civilization/whatever Modern Philippines used to be.

If the Filipino peoples' couldn't agree on something as simple as WHAT TO CALL THE LAND THEY'RE LIVING ON, what more a living, breathing, walking, talking entity that is supposed to be a beacon of all of their 'unified' culture? ESPECIALLY if that entity used to be a currently existing Kingdom/Polity/Rajahnate/Sultanate/whatever.

Tondo? "Of course, always the damn Tagalogs. Tagalog this, Tagalog that. First the capital city, then the language,* THE REST OF US EXIST, YOU KNOW! What about us in Visayas? Mindanao?"

*The national language known as 'Filipino' is just standardized Tagalog*

Butuan? "Wait, you want Butuan to represent us? They're they only Indian-aligned city in the Islam-majority Mindanao! They're not even that many of them! I'm not gonna change my religion!"

Sugbu, the other name for the Rajahnate of Cebu on the map? Lemme bring back my Visayan friend again. According to her, she hails from the Hiligaynon part of Visayas.

"Sure :v and the other islands are what?

Chopped liver?

Not to mention the language and writing barrier helloooo"

And Namayan? Well. I'll let this pic speak for itself.

To summarize, no matter who you pick as Modern PH's previous identity, it will not end well nor be accepted by the other Kingdoms at the time.

"So where does that leave Modern PH, he had to have been ONE of them, right?"

Well, not really. He doesn't HAVE to be one of the Ancient Kingdoms that lasted till the modern day. I mean, predecessor representatives exist in Hetalia canon, after all. Like Modern Greece is a different character from Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt and Modern Egypt, heck even England and his brothers have a canon mother that was the rep before them.

Or you could even use the same logic that Germany does, in that each specific region has/had its own representative and that Modern!PH is just the 'mediator' between them (cause gawd does PH need one). There could be a Tondo, a Namayan, a Butuan, and a Sugbu, all arguing and this Proto-PH is just trying to make headway in making them all satisfied.

But, even after all this, there is another reason why I personally don't subscribe to the 'Precolonial PH' idea, and by tangential extension, the Indo x Phil pairing.

Point 2: Even without intending to, Precolonial Indo x Phil just comes off as patronizing

This second point is just ENTIRELY personal preference and barely has any facts to back it up.

Again, if you like the pairing and disagree with me, You do you. I will respectfully support you and your passions from a distance.

But for me, Indo being Phil's seme/bae/boyfriend and consistently bringing up precolonial times just comes off as patronizing.

Just one more time, I'd like to point out that I am NOT bashing Indonesia, its people or the subscribers of Indo x Phil. This is just how the pairing feels to ME specifically.

The way I see it, Indo x Phil as a pairing, especially if it extends back into precolonial times, reads the same way as a long-since married couple where the husband/wife CONSTANTLY brings up that ONE outing you had together, or that ONE prom night where you kissed while dancing, even it happened like 30 some-odd years ago and so much more happened since then.

Even in a platonic sense, It reads like two besties where one ALWAYS mentions stuff like 'Yeah but you looked so much cooler back in High School' or 'Back in Grade School you would've known that', or 'Remember back in Pre-school we did X? How could you forget that?'

How does one respond to the notion that no matter what you do now, it will never compare to a past you've already forgotten or barely remember? That the best version of 'you' is already long gone?

"That's because the westerners made you forget your culture! You gotta take it back!"

While it is true, yes, as a collective we barely remember the Kingdom that commissioned the Laguna Copperplate, or created the Banaue Rice Terraces, or created the millennia old bonds that we still share with Indonesia and Malaysia.

But to keep pushing the precolonial identity would be to neglect and cast aside the one REAL binding belief and culture that spans the entirety of these islands we call the Philippines.

We take on all the bad stuff that happens to us, conquer it, and make it our own. Be it natural disasters, foreign powers, or negative stereotypical mentalities.

Yes, we've forgotten the ancient kingdoms of old and are just now digging through the closet for those remnants of the past. Yes, the colonizers imposed that on us, and made us forget. But in the process we've also taken everything that they left behind, everything that they threw at us, and created something that can only come from us.

The lanterns that the Spaniards used to light the way to the morning masses they made us attend became our globally known symbol of Christmas. The junked vehicles that the Americans left behind in World War 2 are now rolling works of art that announce themselves loud and proud on the streets (for better or for worse). The iced dessert recipe that the Japanese forced us to learn while they were occupying the country is now so distinct and famous it is synonymous with us, and is so delicious even Italy has taken notice.

Even after all this? Even after all the 425-ish years total we have been under a foreign power, with all the progress we've made as a country, a people, and a nation, you would still imply our fragmented, jigsaw puzzle state of being in the past was better just because it was pure 'South East Asian' like everyone else?

We might not be as well put-together as Indonesia or Malaysia, but we made this melting pot of angry, leg-pulling, dogpiling, Native, Mestizo, Chinoy, and Fil-Am crabs OURS, damnit!

It's now 4:30 AM and I have work in 5 or so hours. I'll be going to sleep now.

[quinnfebrey]

is it cool that i said all that? [1/1]

tumblr prompt: Who says I love you first, Toni or Shelby? Does it happen on the island or after? In what setting does it happen? Make a mini drabble, pretty please 🙏🏼

There’s no real reason why Toni being obnoxious should be the thing to spark this moment, but as naturally as it feels to exhale, Shelby thinks, I love you.

She feels it deep in her heart, and it’s an emotional thought as much as it is a logical one. It calms her almost, assures her. Deeper than that, though, Shelby is just scared. She’s scared because she’s never really had real love in her life before, and she’s scared because she doesn’t think she’ll be very good at it.

READ ON AO3 or read below

The realization comes suddenly, and without warning.

It’s their turn to collect water, which inevitably means it’s their turn to go swimming. Realistically, there should be something really gross about combining those activities, but Shelby just doesn’t have it in her to care.

So, there they are, splashing around, and Toni is climbing up the rocks and doing dives off of the top, and Shelby is really hoping she doesn’t hit her head.

It’s pretty clear that there’s no real art or intention to the dives Toni is doing, at least nothing like what Rachel is capable of, but where Toni lacks in training and actual knowledge of what she’s doing, she makes up for in pure will and spite. She hurls herself off the top with absolutely no fear, and contorts her body as she flies, probably attempting to do some cool twists, but really just waving her arms around until she drops into the water like a rock.

Upon resurfacing, her dripping, grinning head immediately pans around to look for Shelby, and like always, she says, “That one was pretty good, huh?”

“Six,” Shelby says. Toni’s jaw drops in indignation. “Well, it would have been a five, but I was impressed you actually managed to do a full flip that time.”

And then Toni is off ranting and raving about how not only did a full flip, she also kept her toes tucked like Rachel said you’re supposed to, and she actually went head first, and okay, maybe her arms weren’t doing what she intended for them, but it was still her best one, and Shelby has the audacity to give her a six?

There’s no real reason why Toni being obnoxious should be the thing to spark this moment, but as naturally as it feels to exhale, she thinks, I love you.

She feels it deep in her heart, and it’s an emotional thought as much as it is a logical one. It calms her almost, assures her. Deeper than that, though, Shelby is just scared. She’s scared because she’s never really had real love in her life before, and she’s scared because she doesn’t think she’ll be very good at it.

Andrew loved her, and she loved Andrew. Maybe not in the way she was supposed to, but she loved what he offered for her, and he loved who he thought she was. It was a mutual, symbiotic relationship. She loved the way he took suspicions off of her, and he loved the way she looked on his arm.

It was comfortable and familiar, and maybe it wasn’t all that fun, but she was grateful for it nonetheless. And for a long time, Shelby never doubted that was love, because what more could there be?

Well, her parents loved her.

Rather, they loved controlling her. They loved telling her who she should be, and what she should do, and where she should go. They loved seeing her fulfill all of the dreams they had for her, and they loved showing her off to their friends. Shelby loved them because she was supposed to, and because they provided for her.

She never questioned that loving someone out of obligation wasn’t real love, nor did she question whether it was really love if you only loved someone when they were pretending to be someone else.

Beyond that, Shelby loves her siblings with all her heart, unconditionally, because if she doesn’t, who will?

But at the same time, they don't know her. Melody is barely ten, and Shelby can already see a mask going up on her as well. She doesn't know her or Spencer any more than they know her, and is it really love if you're both wearing the smile of someone you're not?

And then there’s Becca.

Becca with her kind eyes, and her warm grin, and the laugh that always flowed out of her like a prayer. Becca, who huddled under covers with her during sleepovers, and hugged her so tight that Shelby started to feel like she could loosen her grip around her cross necklace, and who promised she would never judge her.

If anyone, Shelby thinks Becca is the only person she’s ever loved. In fact, she probably loved Becca more than she loved herself. She probably still does.

Experience wise, love has always been something to be bartered with, or to use as currency, or to withhold and give depending on the day. Love has been something to fear, something to chase, and most of all, something she’s never let herself have.

Shelby doesn’t know if it’s something she even deserves anymore. More importantly, she doesn’t know if she knows how to give it, either.

The truth is, Shelby can’t remember a single time she’s ever even said it to anyone. Maybe statements adjacent, but she’s never looked anyone in the eyes and told them she loved them.

She can still remember the first time Andrew brought it up. They were taking a walk before dinner, holding hands, and Shelby was looking at the stars, and wondering if Andrew would even care if she started talking about the constellations. She looked over to try and gauge his response, and he said it.

“I love you.”

Simple and straightforward, yet it produced maybe the most automatic feeling of dread. Masking it behind a quick, “You too,” she then kissed him hard, and hoped he’d forget about how her response was maybe the literal worst it could have been.

She’s dropped kisses onto the foreheads of her siblings, or tucked them into bed with a bedtime story and a “Love ya,” tossed over her shoulder. She’s smiled at her parents, accepted their one-armed hugs, and responded with “Love you too” as quickly as she possibly could. She’s even answered back to the question, “Do you love me?” with “I do.”

But she’s never said it. Not even to Becca.

With Becca it was just delicate. Shelby always knew that her love for Becca was different than what she labelled as love for everyone else. She knew that not only was it real, it was beyond what she should feel for a friend.

And the way Becca looked at her, the way she held her hand, the way she was just unconditionally there for her… well. Perhaps it was wishful thinking all along, but Shelby always got the sense that the line was blurred for both of them. Crossing it would be much too dangerous, so instead, she stayed far on the safe side.

It’s not like she didn’t try to tell Becca without saying it, though.

During sleepovers, Shelby always made sure Becca had a cup of water on her night stand because she knew how she got thirsty in the middle of the night. She took care to close the curtains tightly, because Becca was always sensitive to the light of the sunrise.

Shelby always walked Becca to the front door after they hung out, and she always paid for Becca’s coffee, and she always remembered her order — cold brew with condensed milk and a splash of half and half.

She carried Becca’s backpack when they walked to first period together, always packed an extra highlighter in her pencil case because Becca was always forgetting hers, and attended every single one of Becca’s soccer games. She made her flash cards for her Spanish homework, read over her English essays without asking, and happily entertained Becca’s weird habit of watching the movie version of every book they had to read for class.

Shelby may not have said it in so many words, but she wrapped up her affection in gifts and acts of kindness, favors, and services. She remembered things that nobody else did, and made sure to offer Becca things nobody else could. She hid “I love you” in “I’m proud of you” and “You’re special to me” in “You’re my best friend.”

And she thought that was enough. Actions speak louder than words, right?

After all, in the days following their porch conversation, Becca never yelled at her, never demanded an apology, never told her how it hurt. She never even spoke to her again after that, but what she did said enough.

Shelby just wonders why what she did wasn’t.

All of a sudden, she realizes that her fear isn’t because she loves Toni, her fear is because she’s scared she won’t be able to bring herself to be able to say it. And whether it’s self-sabotaging, or denying herself what she doesn’t think she deserves, at the end of the day, it hurts the other person too.

And so, she decides, if Toni says it first, she’ll say it back.

But Toni doesn’t.

Sometimes there are moments when Shelby thinks she might, mostly because they feel like natural moments for her to finally let it go.

Breathed into a kiss under the cover of the moon, whispered into the crook of each other’s necks as they drift off in front of the fire, buried in a laugh as they giggle at what is sure to be a terrible joke, or even just spoken to fill the silence as they watch the sunset or walk along the beach.

Because how could she not love her? Toni is patient, funny, kind, passionate, understanding, and allows Shelby to be herself in a way she wasn’t even sure existed before the island.

Shelby has become so used to being loved for who she isn't that she doesn't know if there's a real person under all those facades. In her old life, she served a purpose. She was a caretaker for her younger siblings, a trophy for her parents, a status symbol for Andrew, a figure for her friends. And that's why they loved her. It was payment and currency in exchange for being whoever they wanted.

She starts to wonder what she’s offering for Toni. After almost three days of over-analyzing her own behavior, and thinking about it for about six hours straight, she comes to the conclusion that it’s probably not a lot. For one thing, Toni already has a friend who understands her and loves her for who she is. She has people in her life who let her be herself. She has people she can trust. She has people who take care of her.

And, yeah, it’s not like Toni is out there kissing Martha, but maybe what the two of them are doing is nothing more than fun for her. Maybe she picked Shelby for no deeper reason other than there’s only seven other options, and one of them is her sister.

Maybe she doesn’t love her.

“How can I make myself more…” she searches for the right word, and though it’s definitely not the right one, she lands on, “useful.”

Fatin furrows her eyebrows. “Like, chore-wise? You already do a lot.”

“No, I mean, like in a relationship,” Shelby says. Her eyes widen. “Or a friendship. Well, if you really think about it, a friendship is a relationship. Either way. That.”

For all her inappropriate timing and callous comments, Fatin doesn’t say anything about Shelby’s weird, incessant rambling. She just asks, “Why do you need to be more useful?” She tilts her head to the side. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know,” Shelby mumbles, because honestly, she was kind of hoping Fatin would clear it all up for her. “Like, your friendship with Dot. You’re her friend because she supports you, and makes you laugh, and —“

“— offered to be my live in muscle?” Fatin says.

“Uh-huh,” Shelby says. “So, like, what do you do for her?”

“Are you telling me I’m a useless friend?” Fatin asks.

Her tone is teasing, but Shelby still flushes, and pokes at the sand as she says, “No, of course not, I just —“

“I’m kidding,” Fatin says. She reaches out like she wants to rest her hand on Shelby’s shoulder, but seems to think better of it, and rests it in her lap. “Friendship isn’t measured in usefulness, Shelby.”

“Okay, well let’s say you were someone’s friend so much that you loved them,” Shelby says, emphasizing the word ‘love.’ “They must… offer something for you, right?”

“Maybe,” Fatin says, staring at her like she’s trying to figure out what exactly she’s saying — which, Same, Shelby thinks. “Look, someone I love might do things for me and ‘offer’ something, but that’s not why I love them, it’s just a by-product.”

“A by-product,” Shelby repeats, tongue curling over the word like it’s a curse.

“I love the people I do for who they are, nothing more,” Fatin says. She shrugs. “And I like to think the people who love me do so because of who I am.”

“It’s as simple as that?” Shelby asks.

Fatin nods. “Simple as that.” And then, much to Shelby’s horror, she adds, “If you’re trying to think of reasons why Toni loves you, don’t. There is no reason besides you being who you are.”

A stammered out, ‘I wasn’t’ is on the tip of her tongue, but Fatin is already looking at her like she’s just daring to lie, so she says, “Oh.”

“Are you scared to tell her?” Fatin asks.

Shelby shakes her head. “I’m scared I won’t.” With her fingers in the sand, and her head cast down, she feels like a child when she admits, “I’ve never actually said it before.”

“Ever?” Fatin’s surprise is evident, if the almost comical lift of her eyebrows are any indication.

“Not really,” Shelby says. She opens her mouth to explain, but she wouldn’t even know where to begin. “It’s complicated.”

“Well, you could practice,” Fatin suggests. Shelby just blinks at her. “On me,” she clarifies. She smiles, wiggling her eyebrows. “I’ll go first.” She takes a deep breath, and holds her fist up like she’s clutching an invisible microphone. “Shelby, although this island thing totally fucking sucks, I’m glad we met, because I don’t think we ever would have otherwise. I love having you as a friend, and I love you.”

“I love you,” Shelby repeats. It really is simple as that. And suddenly, it’s like it’s the most important thing in the world. “Fatin, I freaking love you.”

“Now, go tell Toni,” Fatin says, nudging her with her shoulder. Her hand catches on the edge of Shelby’s jacket as she rises to stand, stopping her from walking off. “But make sure to save some for yourself.”

Shelby almost laughs, shaking her head. “Some what?”

“Love,” Fatin says.

She closes her eyes, because how is she supposed to save something she never had? It’s easy to love other people, because other people are good and kind like Martha, or patient like Dot, or passionate like Toni, or clever like Leah, or courageous like Rachel.

Shelby is just a shell of sixteen different identities she’s been asked to be. And none of them are very lovable.

As if reading her mind, Fatin says, “It’s never too late to start,” and releases her grip on Shelby’s jacket.

With a thickness in her throat, Shelby wonders if Fatin is talking to herself a little bit, too. So she swallows, and promises, “I’ll try.”

Shelby really does intend to tell Toni right then and there, but as soon as she climbs up onto their spot on the cliff, Toni’s turning around with a smile and saying, “C’mere. I want to talk to you.”

Shit, is her first response, but she gingerly sets herself next to Toni, and hesitantly reaches out with her right hand. “What’s up?”

“Well, I just —“ she looks down, examining the way their fingers lace together easily, and she’s actually blushing when she says, “I know we haven’t, like, been doing… this for that long. And maybe it’s the island, or the stereotype —“

“What stereotype?” Shelby asks.

Toni stares at her. “You know, with the U-Haul… never mind. Anyway,” she continues, “I know it hasn’t been that long, but I guess this whole situation has made things go kind of quickly for me. And I haven’t wanted to pressure you, because I know this is all new for you, and I don’t want you to think that you have to, like, say it back or anything, but I’ve been thinking, and I really just wanted you to know —“

“I love you, Toni,” Shelby says.

Toni gapes at her. Stammering, she tries to weakly recover with a, “Hey,” she complains. “I was going to say it first.”

Shelby quirks her lower lip. “Oops.” Before Toni can say anything else, she squeezes her hand gently. “I need you to know, I’m not… I’m not perfect. I’m not close to it. I’ve hurt people before. I got scared, and I’m not proud of it.” She shudders. “The details are... not important, but, uh, let’s just say the track record for people who’ve loved me isn’t great.”

“Well, we’re stranded on an island,” Toni teases, “so I’d say that’s accurate.”

Shelby shakes her head. “Toni, I’m being serious.”

“So am I,” she says. She smiles, softly, so faint it’s like it’s not even conscious. “Whatever you’ve done, whoever you’ve been? That doesn’t have to be who you are.”

“I don’t even know who I am,” she says, and it might be one of the most honest things she’s said on the island at all.

“I do,” Toni says, and she pushes past the disbelief littered all over Shelby’s face with, “I know that you care about people, so much. And maybe sometimes you care too much for those who don’t deserve it, and maybe sometimes you care about the wrong ones, but you’re loving, and you’re kind, and you’re optimistic, almost annoyingly so, and you see the best in people, even when it’s not even really there, and most of all?” She reaches out to cup Shelby’s jaw, and Shelby leans into it almost automatically. “Most of all, you’re learning. Nobody’s perfect. Hell, I’m not. But you want to be a better person. And what’s more important than that?”

“I don’t know,” Shelby mumbles.

“We’ve all done bad things,” Toni says, and though Shelby wants to say, Not like me, the pain in Toni’s voice makes her wonder if that’s totally true. “I’ve made mistakes, too. And I’m not proud of them. And they hurt people,” she says, echoing Shelby’s words. “And what kind of hypocrite would I be if I wanted people to see past those things, but I didn’t do the same for others?”

“Everyone has regrets, things they wish they could take back,” Shelby says, trying for a reassuring tone. “And you’re only seventeen, Toni. You’re hardly a finished person.” Toni arches an eyebrow as if to say, Exactly. “Oh.”

“I love you, Shelby,” Toni says. She lifts her chin up just slightly, so their eyes meet, and her tone is earnest in an achingly youthful way when she adds, “I love you not just for who you are, but who I know you can be.”

For a second, Shelby allows herself to believe that’s true. “I love you,” she whispers, basking in the setting sun, and “I love you,” she exhales again against Toni’s lips, and “I love you,” she says, heavily, as she pulls away.

Then she turns towards the sky, because after all this, she has to believe that there’s a Heaven, and she has to believe good people get to go there.

I loved you, Becca, she thinks, blinking up at the horizon. I’m sorry I never told you. I hope that you knew, and I hope that you’ll forgive me.

Maybe it’s God, or maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but when Toni coaxes her attention back, and says, “I love you,” one more time, there’s a twinkle in her eye she swears is Becca’s, and there’s something in her voice that breathes, I did, and I do.

[unioncolours]

A 2nd Majsasaurus Year!

Today, 22nd of September 2021, it’s been two years since I officially joined the magical world of fandom. 22.9.2019 I uploaded the first chapter to my fic Shadows and Sand, and the rest is history.

I did a deep dive into my first year as a fic writer and active member of fandom last year, when it was my first anniversary. You can read it here!

In that meta discussion about my membership of fandom, I presented it as if walking on clouds. I was so, so happy and talked during all the discussion about my happiness in fandom.

Since that post was written, my life and also my perception of the fandom I am part of has changed. Change isn’t always bad, as I really had a honeymoon phase with fandom over a year ago, and the low after hit hard.

But let’s see what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been writing! The following year provided much change and fun things! Please keep reading 💜⬇

The first fic I wrote since 22.9.2020 was a Sakura x Ino fic. I had for a longer while been interested in writing a woman-loves-woman ship, which I had never done before, and as a wlw-person myself the urge to explore that part led to Promise me this is just a kiss. The pairing itself was chosen on rather random, it had to be two women and I like Ino, so I chose the most popular Ino-wlw ship for this for convenience.

I really liked writing the fic and it was well-received! It was the first time I had written a fic that was entirely centred around exploring feelings and having sex.

After this I jumped directly onto the next idea that had been boiling inside me for a longer while. Up to this point, all I had written, except the wlw-fic, had been set in the Naruto canonverse and I was itching to try to work with a multi-chaptered modern au! The pairing was of course my beloved Shikadai x Inojin.

It was during the creation of this fic I began to struggle. This was a new genre, as this was romance only and all my other works had been action and fantasy based, except the sex fic of course. I was maybe over critical and stressed, which resulted in me having a hard time writing it. But I made it. Was the sky always this beautiful? ended up being 35k long, and in hindsight, I freaking love, love, love how it turned out in the end and what it represented. I am very proud of this fic.

I “upgraded” as a fan by the end of October when I bought myself a digital drawing tablet. I began drawing fanart of Shikadai and Inojin and preferably them two together, haha! I still draw a few days a month and find it extremely fun as a side hobby beside the writing.

We are now in November 2020. By this time, I had completely finished my zine fic, Under the Scorching Sun, which I had written during September and October, for the Shikatema zine I was kindly accepted to. I was proud of what I had created and was eager for the rest of the contributors to wrap up theirs, so we’d have a wonderful zine for sale in 2021. It was lovely to write ShikaTema again. As the zine fic was about to be released in months from when I had at first finished it, I wanted of course to write something fans and friends could immediately take part of on the internet. I had hyped myself up to a state where I wanted to write a third and final story in my series To love and never let go, my epic series about Shikadai and Inojin.

Now, I should maybe have waited another month, but I was worried the readers would give up on me if I didn’t write it right away. In December, I began writing To find hope in the Universe, with my usual speed and love for the art.

What I by then didn’t realise or even recognise was that I was very slowly turning burned out. I ignored all the signs.

In December I wrote simultaneously as Hope in the Universe a fic that was part of the Shikatema server’s Secret Santa event. The fic’s name was The Ghost Stories of our Hearts, and it was ShikaTema, as the event’s name suggests. It was fun to write and despite the final big fic, Hope in the Universe, pressing down on me, I finished The Ghost Stories of our Hearts and was very happy with the result. Sadly, at this point the burnout began taking control over me, and I never managed to reply to the comments.

The 15th of January, I began uploading To find hope in the Universe. It was a lovely experience, even if it was tainted by negative feelings coming from my decreasing happiness and the fact that it didn’t do as well as To dance above the Stars, the second fic in the series. To deal with two very contradiction emotions, loving my work, the characters, how I have painted an entire world around the characters and how I knew some people honestly loved my hard work, and then the negative feelings coming from not feeling good enough and depressed, was a difficult thing to navigate and still is when I think back to that time. It didn’t help that during the process of uploading the fic I went through grief, and I chose distraction as my coping method. I kept writing and working, the only thing I ever knew.

Our pre-order of the Shikatema zine was in full motion by this time and it was a nerve-wracking time! Mostly because of excitement but also worry. I’m super happy for my friends who were part of the zine, with whom I could share all the excitement and nervousness with. The zine ended up making good sales, which made me happy among the uploading of the long fic.

To find hope in the Universe was completed 31st of March 2021. When I uploaded the final chapter, I felt nothing. It was so weird, so spooky, to have finished a long fic and a series on top of that and not feel anything. But deep down, beneath the layer of depression, I felt great pride.

That was the emotion that broke free once the burnout left me. Pride.

I had created this empire of Shikajin, a whole alternative timeline, an alternative canon from my own head and to this day, that is my internet legacy. I love Trial of the Heart, which I wrote in 2020, but if I have to choose between ToH and this series, I will choose To love and never let go in a heartbeat.

So, even if it felt depressing and hopeless in the moment, I look now back with pride and happiness. Never forget that. Never forget that I made that.

April was a curious time. I swore to not write anything, because I had by now recognised that I was burned out and needed to rest, yet managed to scrape together three smaller fics.

The first one was another wlw-smut fic, TemaSaku this time called Another Light. I wanted to explore that part once again. I wrote it in canonverse and honestly think the fic ended up extremely nice. Perfect amount of feels and sex. It didn’t feel hard to write at all, because the setting, characters and emotions were so different from the fics I had written the last five months.

Now more interesting things lay on the horizon! A new zine, the Ino-Shika-Cho zine called Beyond a Bond had an interest check during the spring, and later the contributor application. I urged in the interest check to please give us the next gen kids, Shikadai, Inojin and Chocho – my kids and babies, and when it turned out they were going to feature, I had to apply as a writer. For this application I wrote a one shot, called It’s just hair, and I loved this spunky little story featuring the best babies that I created.

I also edited one of my tumblr fics, And then I kissed him, into a longer, better version that I later in May uploaded onto AO3. It was once again a Shikajin, a sequel of Trial of the Heart, and it was a fun little project.

Now May came and I sent in the application for the zine early, which I now am relieved I did. I am happy that I did the work for the application in April instead of May, because in May I had a few breakdowns and another grieving period, which lead to complete creative paralysis. I didn’t write a single word during May, only uploaded the two one shots I had prepared in April.

What I did do in May was to read through the Shikatema zine I had contributed to! It arrived in the mail! I was so nervous; my whole body was shaking when I opened the package right outside the post office. The zine now resides on the parade place in my little zine shrine in the bookshelf. Thank you to the mods who made this a reality!

To my great happiness my zine adventures continued as I was accepted to the Ino-Shika-Cho zine as a writer and was assigned to write my favourite characters. I felt so relieved and overjoyed, mind blown by the sheer talent among the contributors.

On the other fandom front, June didn’t continue any brighter, with stress and mental pain still having a strong grip around me, despite the very happy news that I am still so grateful for. I wrote a Yamanaka family fic which to this day hasn’t seen the light of AO3, because of negative emotions surrounding it. I turned into a complete wreck compared to me in June 2020. In June 2020 I was flourishing, I loved what I did, I loved fandom and I loved the friends I had made through Discord servers. Now I could find myself crying my eyes out over a wip not going the way I wished it would. What had happened to Bex 2021?

I was so incredibly frustrated with myself, groaning in defeat when my hands just couldn’t write. I managed to push through 6k of what I called my “emo au” – more of that later – and finish the Yamanaka fic which is still buried, and on top of that I had the zine and another fandom event, The Naruto Photo Album, to create content for. Why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I find happiness in something that once was my reason for happiness?

In the end, I managed to write 15k in June. My former monthly word count used to be 30k. One could think this would turn into the end of my fic writing career, or the beginning of a longer hiatus, but I am stubborn and want to meet the expectations of the people who love my content, so I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try. I wanted to be whoever I was before.

Funnily enough, the healing came in the shape of the most self-indulgent fic I have ever, ever written, a fic I like possessed began writing July the 1st 2021. It was nothing less than a freaking fairy tale AU, namely a Shikadai x Inojin Peter Pan AU. I can hear you laugh at the silliness of it, but this whimsical AU gave me back my love for writing. I hyper-fixated on this story quite a bit and stopped writing on everything else, something I almost never do.

Only happy boys fly ended up being 21 000 words long! I knew it was a niched story, and true to my guesses, the story has to this day very low stats. Today, two months after it was published, it has just above 100 hits and 10 kudos, so for all I know, only ten people read and liked it. I try to not care too much, since I love the story and in some way, that story saved me from going batshit insane over my emotions about writing.

At this point I had begun writing my fic from the Ino-Shika-Cho zine, finding joy in silly scenes with my favourite characters and trying to heal. The writing process was frustratingly slow, but one word at a time I got forward and as of today, the draft is done. The pre-orders are in December. At the side of the zine fic I wrote a short fluffy Shikajin story, CLEAR, a story with almost no plot, because I knew how much self-indulgence could help me.

And then, I finally began writing for real on my emo au, A gang of fallen stars, which has the first few chapters up right now! I have for the first time in six months a longer fic (if we don’t count the Peter Pan story) and it feels… good. This fic is once again a modern au, but in darker tones than my other modern au from November 2020. I honestly like what I have so far, even if I during June and July almost planned to never finish it. I am so relieved I managed to begin the upload. In September the Photo Album was released and I could show my two fics I wrote for it.

It sounds like this year has been nothing but misery, and at times it felt like it. However, there are a few fandom friends who brought light to my life when I couldn’t see it. The first ones to mention are of course my partners in crime, @notquitejiraiya and @thespookymoth. Together we created a server dedicated to Ino-Shika-Cho during the spring and it has been tons of fun with the members there! Thank you two for listening to me and for being my friends during 2021.

I also have to mention Soverel, who carefully begun taking contact through comments and likes on my twitter, and later through direct messages, and it has been a fun ride ever since. We’ve had lovely discussions which are very dear to me and your support means a lot to me. Thank you for being you and for drawing so many wonderful artworks you’ve shared with me. Haha, and for making me play Genshin Impact, even though I do it like twice a month!

Another person who has made my days so much brighter is @sugarriene. Thank you for sending me that one dm that made us chat regularly, thank you for popping up and sharing panels and your wonderful drawings with me, and for vibing head canons with me. You are a lovely person, and you make me happy.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to @yoboseyokyu for listening to me when I had to yell into the void and for making me happy with your cute posts on both twitter and tumblr.

Since September 2020, I’ve written around 195 000 words and drawn close to 35 illustrations, most of them of Shikadai and Inojin. Almost 200 000 words of Majsasaurus. I’ve created a Discord server and I’ve been part of two zines as a writer, plus a free PDF-project.

It has been a wild year. A year filled with passion for my favourite characters and ship, with the excitement that came with being part of projects and hyping them. It was a year where I learned to draw digitally, and heck what fun it was.

This also a year where I learned people can be mean to me because of what I ship and that fandom friends won’t necessarily always stay to be your friend anymore and how much it can hurt. I also learned what my limits are, and what punishment I get if I don’t listen to my own mind and rest when I have to.

It was a year, guys.

Now, onto the third Majsasaurus Year. Cheers!

And those of you, who supported me when I needed it – thank you and I love you.

[cakesunflower]

Who’s Gonna Love You Like Me? [Brother’s Best Friend!Calum AU] Part 1

A/N: the title is STUPID long. like a whole ass mouthful. but it is what it is. before y’all dive in, i just wanna say that this fic would NOT be possible without @bigheadbabybitch (it’s not letting me tag her bc tumblr is a whore) but god DAMN without her, this fic would not be what it is. every scene is planned with her and made better with her. i’m very lucky to be working with this on her.

Josie’s Face Claim here!

so, without further ado, here’s part 1 of my new brother’s best friend!Cal fic!!

She never experienced feeling the weight of someone’s eyes on her until this moment.

It wasn’t like Josie didn’t want to return his gaze—she just couldn’t, not if she wanted to freeze where she stood. She could feel his intense gaze on her the moment he had walked into her older brother’s house. What she had expected to be a celebration turned into an internal prison as she found herself contemplating what exactly he was thinking about. The way he had been looking at her. . . She didn’t think either of them knew just how much power he held over her. So Josie pretended to be oblivious, acted as though his stare wasn’t burning right through her skin as she talked to friends of her brother’s she was only vaguely familiar with. She had a good excuse, too; after all, Luke had thrown this party to welcome her to California, had been a good older—by three years—brother and opened his home to her so she had a place to stay right after graduating college while looking for one of her own. And nothing said welcome like a good house party. At least, according to Luke Hemmings, anyway.

A soft smile played on her lips as she nursed her drink, thinking of her brother’s welcoming arms. The warm welcome she received was one that calmed her nerves, at first feeling like she was intruding when she moved into Luke’s home, despite his encouragement. Her brother wanted her to move in with him, and yet there was still a small part of Josie that had felt as though she was encroaching on his space. But it came with the territory of being labeled as the little sister among the inseparable group of her brother and his best friends, always feeling as though she was pushing herself into their friend group, even if her company was welcomed.

Eventually, she finished her drink and was in need of more, excusing herself from the group she was chatting with before making her way to the kitchen. Luke’s house was one she loved, proud of her brother for doing so well for himself, starting off as an accountant by using the math skills their mom instilled in them before rising to the top. High ceilings and lots of windows with a view of the trees and hills of the Valley, and an open space that was so much better than the cramped dorm room she’d been living in for too long. Her brother’s spacious home was definitely an upgrade. Josie knew she’d enjoy living in a space where she wouldn’t have to stack her belongings on top of one another, now having room to spread out comfortably.

Too busy admiring her new—albeit temporary—home and pouring herself another drink, Josie had become unaware of who she’d moved towards until the familiar voice spoke up nonchalantly, “You look like you’re fittin’ right in.”

Josie put down the bottle of Coke, biting the inside of her lower lip as she raised her head to finally meet the gaze she had been avoiding. His voice was unmistakable, eyes sharp as always as she schooled her expression into one of ease right when she looked at him. She went from chewing on her lower lip to biting the tip of her tongue to focus on the sting rather than the quickening of her heart. Her skin felt warm, frustration flushing her for not being able to slow her heart rate. Still, Josie offered a smile, the perfect combination of friendly and smug even if the latter felt incredibly made up. “’Course—it helps that I’m really likable.”

Calum sucked in his teeth, giving a brief, semi-accepting tilt of his head. One hand shoved into the pocket of his leather jacket, he was gave her a once over before responding, “Depends on who you ask.” His words were followed by a sip of his beer, but Josie could make out the smirking curl of his lips from around the mouth of the bottle.

Despite the bass of the music thrumming deep in her chest, and the nerves she wished would subside because it was ridiculous to even feel so, Josie offered a smile and rested her hip against the counter she was near. She faced him as he stood a few feet away, left arm braced on the counter as the chain bracelet glimmered against the hanging light above the center counter. He looked good, Josie wasn’t afraid to admit that. To herself, anyway.

With a single shouldered shrug, Josie smiled knowingly and raised an eyebrow at Calum. “I’m asking you.” A risk, those words falling past her lips, but she couldn’t take them back. Nor the implication behind them. But Josie was trying to learn not to be regretful of things, standing by decisions she made. 

There was a subtle shift in his features, lips parting to lick his lower lip. Calum looked almost impressed, if not a bit startled, at Josie’s words, and she didn’t quite blame him. She watched something flash in his dark eyes, eyebrows lowering as a bit of a warning, silently telling her she was wandering into territory she shouldn’t be. Not that she had to be told that. The hitch in her throat was a sign enough.

Before Calum could respond, however, a sudden weight of an arm settled around Josie’s shoulders, a soft yet startled gasp escaping her as her six-foot-four brother playfully hung off her shorter frame. “Do you love your party or what?”

Josie tore her gaze away from the dark haired man across from her to grin up at her brother, whom she could tell was already well on his way to getting drunk. His cheeks were flushed, pushed up to show off his dimpled grin, eyes glazing over. A chuckle equal parts forced and amused escaped Josie, his presence tightening the knots in her stomach, as she wrapped her free arm around his waist. “Of course,” she answered. “I’m feeling all the love.”

Luke grinned, clearly satisfied with her answer. “Good,” he declared, wrapping his other arm around her as well, keeping her close. Josie could feel Calum’s eyes on them but she didn’t look back at him, letting her brother hug her as he continued, “You were too far away at Davis. ’m glad you’re here now.”

His words widened Josie’s smile, a happy warmth flushing her skin. Despite sometimes inserting herself in Luke’s friend group when they were kids, her brother never made her feel as though she was just tagging along or that she wasn’t welcomed to join. Being so close in age, Luke was Josie’s first best friend—honestly, he had a higher friendship role than any best friend she’s had—and she was easily closer to him than she was to her other two older brothers, Jack and Ben. Don’t get it wrong, Josie loved all of her brothers. But if she had to pick a favorite, it would be Luke.

Which was why Calum’s gaze on them felt so heavy, like it was weighing her down, slowly squeezing the air out of her lungs. Luke’s hug felt warm for all of the wrong reasons as Calum watched them, and Josie forced herself to look up, for her blue eyed gaze to meet his brown. His stare was intense as ever, looking right through her, and despite the neutrality of his features, Josie picked up on the look in his eye. She saw the reluctance that swam in them, a hint of panic he was doing a good job in hiding from those who wouldn’t expect to see it there. But Josie knew; she knew to look for it, knew it was probably present because she could feel it knotting her insides, too.

It was a kind of emptiness in her chest that allowed for the bass of the music playing in the house to settle too deeply, wondering if Calum felt it too as he tore his gaze away from them and took a long sip of his drink. Did he feel guilt, too? 

She hoped he didn’t regret it because she sure as hell didn’t. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t any room for the guilt to take up residence. Not when her brother was holding her so tightly, so happily, rambling on about how excited he was for her to be living with him. Oblivious to the tension his presence only intensified between his best friend and sister.

“It’ll be just like old times, right, Cal?” Luke’s voice pulled Josie out of her thoughts, swallowing the lump in her throat as Calum looked at them once more. The song playing through the speakers changed to an unfamiliar R&B type that Josie thought was more Calum’s style than her brother’s. 

A wry expression briefly twisted Calum’s features, a subtle quirk of his eyebrows and purse of his lips as his eyes met hers quickly. A silent scoff of yeah, right being spoken by him just through his features to her as Josie bit the inside of her cheek, her smile disappearing.

“Yeah,” Calum responded, his voice sounding too deep, heavy with the thoughts swirling in his head. Josie figured she had an idea what was running through his mind. He took another sip of his drink, brown eyes on blue, her own gaze following the way his tongue swiped across his lower lip, hating that she couldn’t pull her gaze away. All too aware that he was watching her track his movements, a hardship she would have to learn to get past. His eyes never left hers as he raised his cup, a silent cheers, as he repeated, “Just like old times.”

*****

The sun was bright. Then again, this was California, and the sun was always bright. Especially as June began and the sun remained high and relentless. It felt warm against Calum’s skin, which he’d eventually cool down by taking advantage of the tempting pool in front of him. And he wanted to jump in already, except he remained planted on the poolside chair, refusing to submerge himself in the cold water because of the woman already enjoying it. So he stayed put, feeling the heat burn his legs and the thin layer of sweat that clung to his skin, depriving himself of the welcoming water because he needed to keep his distance.

Music was playing through Luke’s backyard, but Calum couldn’t tell what song was playing, attention muffled by his focus being on Josie. Or, specifically, it was on trying not to be on the woman. Sipping his beer, Calum blinked behind his sunglasses, trying to anchor himself to the conversation happening around him by trying to get a grasp on reality. It was just him, the boys, and Josie—how it used to be at times when they were younger. Except there was nothing adolescent in the way his gaze lingered on Josie from behind the shades of his glasses. Yet he tried to listen to the song, foot tapping as his mind slowly picked up on the beat. Anything to try and get a solid grasp on his surroundings to pull out of his jumbled thoughts.

“The salon’s nice, then?” Ashton questioned, popped up from the middle of a hideous duck float, arms crossed on top as he looked at Josie.

She was laying on her stomach on a pool float, legs kicked up and ankles crossed. “So nice,” she answered with an appreciative groan. Calum took a breath, sipping his beer again as the sound rang in his ears. “Really fucking fancy, and everyone’s so nice. And the same company owns the nail salon next door so we get discounts.” With a wide grin, she added, “Pretty nails twenty-four-seven.”

She emphasized this point by lifting one hand and wiggling her fingers to show off already painted and long nails. Calum’s eyes followed the movement from where he sat, and the sun burned his skin. He straightened his posture, trying to rid of the all too familiar stinging sensation that dragged down his back. His muscles twitched, taking a breath as he tried to rid of the feeling, the reminder of a memory that was still fresh in his mind despite the months that passed.

Calum smacked his lips after forcing down the sip of beer, looking down at the bottle he held in mild distaste. Suddenly, he felt as though he needed a drink far stronger than this. Something to wipe the images lighting up his mind. 

Michael walked out from the house, flip flops echoing on the concrete, signaling his presence as he walked down the few steps from the back door to the pool area. He settled down on the chair next to Calum. “A friend of Crystal’s booked a couple of tables for tomorrow night at the new club that opened up in West Hollywood.” His green eyes looked at the four people he was with. “You guys down to go?”

Luke waded into the water behind Josie, and Calum watched with a quirk of his eyebrows, noting the way his best friend was making it a point to be particularly quiet in his silent approach towards Josie as Ashton answered, “Yeah; I’ve got a business dinner so I’ll meet you guys there.” He munched on some chips. “Just send me the details.”

Michael nodded, looking between Calum at his right and Josie in the pool in front of them. “What about you guys?”

“Sure,” came both of their responses, Josie’s excited while Calum’s more subdued. His gaze wandered back to Josie and he didn’t miss the way her smile kind of froze on her face, rolling her lower lip into her mouth before breaking their gaze. She couldn’t seem to hold their gaze for too long, as opposed to him, who couldn’t stop looking at her, enough to notice the way her eyes dulled when she heard his hesitated answer. Look at me. The words echoed in his mind, wanting her to hear them. Look. At. Me. Why he wanted her to look at him, he had no idea. All he could think about when their eyes connected, even for a few seconds, were the overwhelming memories he had shoved into a box in his mind. But the more he looked at her, the more prominent the images in his mind became.

Calum hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation that followed, looking out to the five foot brick wall that surrounded the perimeter of Luke’s yard. The sky was clear of clouds that made the heat of the sun all the more relentless, only adding heat to the tightness of his muscles. His attention was drawn back to the scene in front of him by the sound of Josie’s scream, eyebrows raising as he watched Luke, from underwater, pushed the float Josie was on to flip it, sending his sister splashing into the water as the sight of her flailing limbs erupted laughter from everyone else.

An amused grin tilted at Calum’s lips, his own laughter mixing in with those of the boys as Josie finally surfaced with a gasp. And suddenly the laughter from Calum ceased, watching as she rose up with her head tilted back, her slender neck drawing his gaze. For a moment, he could picture it. All of it. The droplets of water covering her skin glimmered under the sun, the blue bikini she wore attracting Calum’s attention more than he’d admit, biting his tongue as Josie turned her back to him to splash at Luke in retaliation.

Calum excused himself then, muttering something about needing to use the bathroom as he headed inside the house, the sliding door at the back of the house opening right into the kitchen as he walked through to get to the downstairs bathroom in the hall. Calum found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror, cheeks flushed, hoping it was from the sun. His eyebrows lowered into a frown as he looked at his reflection, annoyance with himself spiking.

Get it together. It was all that he could say to himself as he exhaled slowly. He felt like a teenage boy, the sight of Josie in the pool stirring something in the pit of his stomach that had him sucking in a breath. What could he do? The sight had been all too familiar. 

Calum gave a shake of his head. Nope. He couldn’t do this.

He exited the bathroom, shaking his hands as if he was trying to get rid of the thoughts that clung to him, walking towards the kitchen. The sound of someone messing around in there caught his attention, distinct in the rattling of bottles, and Calum stopped when he caught sight of Josie shutting the fridge. A Mike’s Hard Lemonade was in her hand as her eyes locked on his, the fall of her sun-flushed face an obvious tell of her discomfort of being caught alone with him.

Calum could vaguely hear the boys still outside, but he was all too focused on Josie; her wet blonde hair hung around her shoulders, and he fought to keep his eyes from wandering any lower than her eyes. He didn’t want to observe the blue bikini top that complimented her eyes, grateful for the little reprieve he had with her tying a towel around her hips. Just a little reprieve. He bit the tip of his tongue, scolding himself for so easily losing his train of thought in her presence, knowing now was not the time to allow himself to fall into a silent stupor.

Licking his lips, Calum looked towards the glass door that led out back, briefly watching his friends talk amongst themselves. Their conversation was drowned out by the music playing, and Calum exhaled, not looking back at Josie as he said, “You could’ve given me a warning, you know.”

He heard the bewilderment in her voice. “A warning?” she repeated. “For what?”

“That you were movin’ here.” Calum turned his head to look at her, taking in the frown furrowing her eyebrows and tilting her lips downwards. His throat worked, keeping his eyes on her as an attempt to keep himself from watching a lone bead of water run down the column of her throat and race towards the valley of her breasts. Conjuring up the nostalgic image of her in the flannels she used to wear was proving to be difficult, his attempt of distracting himself failing. “Would’ve liked a heads up.”

Josie gaped at him, and maybe Calum wasn’t being fair to her. She didn’t really owe him anything, he knew that. But from the moment Luke had dropped the bombshell that Josie was moving in with him—the day she was driving down from Davis—Calum had found himself in a state of panic he wasn’t familiar with. One that made his stomach feel hollow and chest tighten when he thought about seeing her practically every day. 

“A heads up?” Josie scoffed, clearly finding Calum’s words as ridiculous as he felt saying them. With a tilt of her head, she raised an eyebrow and challenged, “Even if I did, what would you have done? High tailed it out of L.A.?”

Calum huffed, arms crossing over his chest, picking up on her gaze drifting to his arms briefly. He would’ve smirked if he wasn’t for the conversation at hand. His lips twisted to the side before he responded, “I would’ve at least been a bit prepared.”

“You think I was prepared?” Josie retorted, eyebrows shooting up as she stared him down. She took a step towards him, her own gaze drifting towards the back door before looking back at him. “Moving to L.A. was a last minute decision. You’re not the only one who can’t look Luke in the eye.”

He licked his lower lip, finger tapping against his bicep as he shook his head, anxiety ridden thoughts running rampant in his head. He wasn’t used to feeling so. . . Frustrated. Panicked. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like feeling as if he was trapped in a corner with no way out. “Pretty sure I have more to lose than you.”

That had been the wrong thing to say; Calum knew it as soon as the words escaped his mouth. He watched the way Josie’s eyebrows shot up and lips parted. She stared at him in disbelief, incredulous that he would try to knock down what was at stake for her in this situation by trying to emphasize his own. It was a dick move, he knew, and he was sorry for it. “Fuck you, Calum,” she frowned, her voice resigned. He hated that he could see her disappointment and hurt more than the anger. He swallowed inaudibly at the thought of bringing that look on her face; one that settled a solemnity in her features against him. “We both screwed Luke over,” she added, making her way around the center counter, taking the longer way around to avoid walking past him as she headed towards the door.

Calum’s jaw set, wanting to apologize as he watched her go, feeling badly for making it seem like his guilt was stronger than hers. Josie stopped then, right before reaching the door, and looked at him over her shoulder. The hurt was still in her eyes, and she spoke with an edge creeping into her voice. “But if you take into consideration who’s more likely to get punched if Luke were to ever find out. . .” Her blue eyes gave him a once over, expression looking almost too empty for Calum’s liking until her gaze met hers. She smiled humorlessly then, wanting to fire back to mask the hurt his words had caused her by being spiteful in hers as she finished off, “Then yeah; you’ve got more to lose.”

And then with a roll of her eyes, she turned back and slid the door open, the music clear for the brief moment the door was open until she slid it shut. Calum rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, shaking his head as he released yet another slow, long breath, finally in tune with the racing of his heart he had failed to notice earlier. So fucking screwed.

--

tags: @irwinkitten​ @loveroflrh​ @sweetcherrymike​ @astroashtonio​ @softforcal​ @highfivecalum​ @novacanecalum​ @captain-what-is-going-on​ @angelbbycal​ @singt0mecalum​ @hopelessxcynic​ @lfwallscouldtalk​ @bodhi-black​ @findingliam-o​ @softlrh​ @calumsmermaid​ @erikamarie41​ @quintodosuniversos​ @longlastingdaydream​ @babylon-corgis​ @lukehemmingsunflower​ @imfuckin10plybud​ @pastelpapermoons​ @conquerwhatliesahead92​ @rotten-kandy​ @metangi​ @neigcthood​ @ohhmuke​ @old-zeppelin-shirt​ @5sos-and-hessa​ @trustmeimawhalebiologist​ @vxlentinecal​ @pettybassists​ @vaporshawn​ @lu-my-golden-boi​ @visualm3nte​ @isabella-mae13​ @dontjinx-it​ @lifeakaharry​ @neonweeknds​ @antisocialbandmate​ @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave​ @calpalbby​ @grreatgooglymoogly​ @sunnysidesblog​ @miahelizaaabeth​ @madelynerin​ @dramallamawithsparkles​ @theagenderwhocriedwolf @kaytiebug14​ @hoodskillerqueen​ @bitchinbabylon​ @empathycth​ @xhaileyreneex​ @inlovehoodx​ @calistheloml @aestheticrelated​ @bloodlinecal​ @sublimehood​ @madbomb​ @raabiac​ @britnicole11​ @outofmylimitcal​ @wildflower-cth​ @bloodmoonashton​ @vxidhood​ @wildflowergrae​

[muzaktomyears]

ultimate beatlemaniac tag game

So, I found this somewhere on tumblr, and it’s super old, and I haven’t been tagged in it, but I thought it would be a good intro-ish thing, if anyone wants that for some reason (warning: some of these these answers get long, and again, please check my pinned post):

How long have you been a fan?:

Since I can remember listening to music. My parents are children/teenagers of the ‘60s (my mum saw The Beatles in concert in ’64, with the stress on the ‘saw’ because yes, she heard nothing but screaming) and I fully absorbed and internalised their music taste as a child, and I still have pretty much the same taste now (though I did eventually manage to broaden out into later stuff and even some modern stuff omg get me). So, I was a general fan since forever, just of the sound, but when I was about 7? 8? my best friend in primary school was a mega fan and she got me to roleplay The Beatles in the playground with her during break. I’m really not surprised that other people didn’t talk to us much lmao… Anyway, it was essentially a John&Paul roleplay (with George as their child, I think?? oh what a dynamic), and John was her fave so I was Paul. This continued when I went on holiday that year to France and we wrote postcards to each other from the POV of John and Paul. This was waaay before any of us knew what fanfiction was, and it was mid-‘90s, so largely pre-internet, which is hilarious, looking back at it. So, in ways it is inevitable that I would end up here. But I’d never been in the livejournal/tumblr fandom, really. I would read a few fics, years ago, but I’d never written anything, and certainly not published it. And then, a month or so ago, I just randomly deep-dived and this is what happened.

Favorite Beatle:

Oh no. THE QUESTION. They have all been my favourite, over the years. I started with Ringo because I had a book on people who were born in July (my birth month) that he was in, so I felt a connection lmao. I obviously went through a teenage John stan phase, like most people do, but then my sister is still the worst kind of John stan and I reacted to that and started liking Paul just to be different. And then I was like, a depressed socially-anxious 20-year-old, so George was very comforting. Ultimately, I don’t have a favourite, as they are all my favourite, at different times and in different ways, and I know that’s a shit non-answer but it’s true. I do have special soft spots for Ringo & Paul though, because my dad is so anti-them and pro the others (hence my almost total ignorance of their post-Beatles music career, which I am rapidly rectifying), so I spend a lot of time defending them (though irl, with friends, I spend most of my time taking the piss out of Paul in particular because he deserves it <3). But really, they’re all amazing and terrible.

Favorite era for music:

THESE QUESTIONS ARE IMPOSSIBLE, god. Again, I’ve gone through phases. As a child, I loved the Help! era a lot, and then I moved on to Sgt. Pepper and later stuff. I honestly like it all. At the moment I’m very into the early-to-mid stuff, again mainly because I feel it often gets neglected, at least among people who I talk to. (When we went as a family to see The Bootleg Beatles, my sister confessed she doesn’t much like the early stuff.) But I LOVE IT ALL, because ultimately I have no taste esp re: music and will like anything, given time and exposure.

Favorite era for lewks:

Yeah, I shouldn’t be asked ‘favourite’ questions tbh, because again my gut reaction is to say ‘every era’. Fuck. I do like the late ’66 onwards psychedelia stuff the most I think… it is very pretty. I have a special appreciation for the Teddy boy era at the moment though because I wasn’t all that aware of it before I became reacquainted and it’s largely what I’m writing atm.

Favorite song:

OH MY GOD. Umm. My parents asked me recently which one I’d take on Desert Island Discs, and I think I came up with ‘All You Need Is Love’. Which I do like a lot. Or, ‘A Day in the Life’, for its mix of Lennon & McCartney.

Favorite album:

omg I’m so glad this is the last ‘favourite’ question!! Sorry. Uh… Sgt. Pepper. The very first album I ever owned (on CD), at age 8, because I’m supercool and obviously was very popular at school.

Unpopular/Controversial Beatles opinion:

lmao I’m not sure if I have a truly unpopular one, I’ve seen so many random opinions in my time. Maybe that I’ve listened to the Decca audition tape and I truly don’t get what’s so off about Pete Best’s drumming? I think it sounds fine. I am a musical idiot who tried for years as a child to learn guitar and couldn't (classical Spanish, not normal/cool, so I don't even really know how chord is formed tbh).

A song everyone loves but you dislike:

‘Eleanor Rigby’. There is a reason for this – I watched the Yellow Submarine film so much as a child and the animation sequence for this song triggered the fuck out of me for some reason, it’s so effing creepy! So, I couldn’t listen to the song for literally 15 years. I used to walk out of shops if it came on. I’ve since managed to listen to it and not die, and it is a good song, there’s nothing wrong with it, it just sets off my existential angst like nothing else on earth! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. Fuck you, Paul, you caused my depression and my anxiety both.

A song everyone dislikes but you love:

I mean I don’t think people truly dislike it, they just dismiss it, but ‘Octopus’s Garden’. It was my fave as a child, and I remember telling my dad that I loved The Beatles because they didn’t just sing about boring things like love all the time but also fun things like octopuses. lmao. And now I’m sat here crying over all their love songs, especially the ones written to each other. Child me was superior.

Your fantasy involving The Beatles:

Oh god I don’t want to meet them. I want to be a literal fly on the wall when they’re all stuck in a hotel bathroom together because the whole world wants to talk to them, but they only want to talk to each other. That would be perfect.

Tell us about the moment you knew you were a fan:

Probably age 8 when my mum (who, as mentioned above, saw them in concert) asked whether every conversation I had had to involve them and could we please talk about something else, hahahaha. Cannot believe she identified a hyperfixation before modern fandom even existed.

Did you ever have a genuine ‘The Beatles suck!’ phase before becoming a fan?:

Absolutely not. I totally swallowed the Kool Aid force-fed to me lmao. I’ve had, like, ‘I don’t like him as much as him’ or whatever phases, but I have now reached a happy equilibrium. They’re all awful. <3

Favorite Beatles book:

I have literally never read one. I don’t think? I have a loooooong list of bookmarked Amazon pages for a few months from now when I should be free for a bit and can spend ridiculous amounts on them. I will become that meme asking for help feeding my family. The first one I'm buying is that 'The Day John Met Paul' book because I need that stupid level of detail in my life and the bits I've seen of it are shippier and more purple prose than any fanfic.

Thoughts on the old generation of fans:

Ahhhh. I mean, they are my main experience of the fandom, or were until like a month ago. They have their faults, definitely, and a lot of their views need massive reassessment, but they’re so passionate and have done so much work and are so happy to teach and share, generally. Boomer men in particular are annoying, yes, and I vehemently disagree with most of my dad’s opinions, which are like the boomeriest opinions ever, but I also wouldn’t be here without him, so. (Also, old generation Dylan fans can be so much worse. I'm on a Dylan Facebook group and hahahahaha no.)

If Hollywood were to make a high budget Beatles biopic, what is one thing you desperately hope they include?:

This is one of my nightmares. Um. Probably the Bob Dylan cannabis incident? Because Bob is my one true love and I need it, and also would be a good counterpoint to the brief scene in I’m Not There. Otherwise, pls include Ringo’s sad backstory! Why did I not know of it until a month ago??

Do you read/write fanfic?:

Not in the past (though I read some, occasionally), but yes, now I read and write it. That is all I do now. That is my life. And sometimes I sleep.

Are you the only one in your family/friend group to enjoy them?:

Not in my family, we all do, but have different opinions that we argue about. (My mum was obvs a Paul fan (who wasn’t?) and wanted to call me Paul before I was born… lol.) Friend group, no, most people are at least casual fans (who I start talking to and then get disappointed that they’ve never heard of The Cavern Club or something), though a very few of my friends are all ‘I hate The Beatles and have never heard a single song’ which is hilarious. For some reason they don’t annoy me as anti-Dylan people, who I always try to convert.

Are you a shipper?:

I ship everything ever. Mainly John/Paul, obviously, which is what I’ve written so far, but I will read anything, pretty much, and will be convinced by it. When I was writing the Bob & George fic, I thought, do I ship George with Paul? Do I really think George had an (un)requited(?) crush on Paul? And I thought no, probably not, but I’ve since reassessed and realised that yes, I do, and I have a further one planned that will sort-of address that. I do also love George/Ringo and I only discovered ‘Oh Ringo’ the other day, which murdered me. But yeah, I ship them all with each other and with other people, in infinite combinations, tbh.

Favorite movie starring/made by them?:

I haven’t rewatched the films since I became obsessed again, so that will be interesting. I have particularly fond memories of A Hard Day’s Night. In terms of films about them… Backbeat and Nowhere Boy (sorry, Paul!).

Do you believe in McLennon?:

1000%. It’s kind of the worst, because it’s like those ‘here’s some clues we’re going to scatter throughout that point to what’s really happening!’ fandom things that people seem convinced showrunners are doing but they probably aren’t, only about ten million times more obvious, and that is catnip to me. It’s just endless. I am trapped, and this was inevitable. I'm a historian by training so I'm primed for this shit.

General opinions on McLennon?:

lmao, just read my fic, especially the Paris-and-after ones, which is my attempt at what I really think happened. There’s more coming of that series and the dynamic will become clearer, though I think it changes through time and hopefully I can write some later stuff too.

If you got to change ONE thing about their history, what would it be and why?:

Hmmm. I feel I should say something about how it ended etc., but then unfortunately I love angst and drama tbh, so even though it tears me apart I couldn’t really do that, and it created some great songs too. I’d probably not have George get hit in the eye with a boiled sweet because that’s just mean. :( Why would anyone do that?? (It was probably one of the others, wasn’t it… Probably John, let's be honest.)

What song has the best vocals?:

It is clearly ‘If I Fell’, especially because Paul’s voice cracks on the high note in that recording. HATE IT.

What song do you feel had no effort put into it?:

‘I Don't Know (Oh Johnny, Johnny)’. lmao, very low effort, because it’s just a jam, but still perfect.

What is a well talked about moment in Beatles history you genuinely believe to be false?:

6th July 1957. I am a bit tinhat for the theory that John & Paul met earlier in some fashion and that for whatever reason they just fixed on that as a convenient time and place to tell the world. A future fic may address this further.

What is something you KNOW to be true, but often gets erased in their history?:

They're all funny, but George is actually the funniest. His quiet savagery knows no bounds and should never be underestimated.

Least favorite look from a Beatle(s):

Literally none because I love facial hair, so I am immune to most of the worst ones. Apart from maybe that one of Paul (with no facial hair) that I saw on here the other day, from the ‘80s, with short hair and it was awful. The ‘80s were a hellscape, may they never return.

Favorite look from a Beatle(s):

This specific picture, for all of them, goodbye:

[polar534]

Slumber Party... OF DOOM!

So. Here is my submission for @johnnysfire ‘s TOH Prompt challenge. For anyone who doesn’t know the prompt chosen was “Evil.”

I asked my lovely friends from discord whether I should go emotional or lighthearted with this and they said lighthearted, so here we are. It was actually really really fun to take a topic like evil and twist it to something fun and hopefully fluffy. I had to keep a lot of things shorter then what I would’ve liked to meet the word count (spoiler alert, I still went a little over), so one day I do plan on fixing this up and making it an actual one shot, detailing the game and everything. Until then, enjoy the read! My idea going in? 

Haunted Boardgame:

(EDIT: Um so Tumblr ate and spat out some paragraphs at random the first time I posted... so hopefully everything is in its correct order. Yikes.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pillows?" 

"Check."

"Blankets."

"Check!"

"Hot chocolate?"

3 sets of eyes turned to the green-haired witch sitting in the corner. Amity Blight was currently too busy staring at the glow that inexplicably seemed to surround Luz as she sounded off the ingredients for her perfect 'Slumber Party' to notice her companions all staring at her.

"..."

Amity's eyes shifted only slightly to the left as her ear twitched, finally noticing the silence and the fact that everyone was staring at her.

Wait.

Everyone was staring at her.

"Oh um..." Amity looked around panicked, flushing red as she realized she had completely zoned out. She quickly analyzed the scene. Willow had wrapped a fluffy blanket around herself as Gus clutched a pillow excitedly to his chest.

Right. The checklist. Refusing to look at Luz (to avoid any further embarrassment or lapses in attention), Amity quickly reached out and snatched her sound-off item. Only barely remembering what it was at the last moment, Amity somehow saved herself from the splash of scalding liquid that flew out of her mug.

"Hot chocolate, acquired!" She grinned forcibly and altogether too nervously.

Finally risking a glance up to her crush she realized that Luz was giggling, the human's eyes closed as she snicked softly against her hands.

Amity's ears pressed flat against her head as Willow chuckled to her left.

"Well that would be Amity for 'check.'" The plant witch giggled, shifting her body to face Luz excitedly. "So. What happens now?"

"Yes, what new human traditions are you going to show us? I'm so excited!!" Gus squeaked happily, crushing the pillow in arms.

Luz grinned. "Just a little more patience my friend. We've got to start this off correctly. So… if everyone would grab their cocoa, probably a little more gentler then Amity over there, then I'll begin the toast to make this the best slumber party ev-"

THUMP THUMP

Luz stopped short as all those in attendance whipped around to face the door. Amity was finally able to unhunch her shoulders and stare with the rest of her friends at the mysterious knock at the door. The human was inquisitive herself.

"Luz, I thought you said there was supposed to be no one home tonight?" Amity questioned her curiously, cocking her head slightly to the side.

Luz's brow furrowed as she got up.

"There isn't anyone home tonight."

The entire room seemed to hold it's breath as Luz approached the door and pausing for what had to be dramatic effect, opened it sharply.

"HAH! GOT YOU… absolutely nothing…"

Amity peered around Luz's body to see exactly what was going on only to be met with the same sight and disappointment. An empty hallway.

Glancing both ways in the doorframe, the human shrugged nonchalantly as she went to close the door.

"Wait!" Gus cried from behind all of them. Flinging the pillow away from him and into Willow's stomach, he jumped up and dived underneath Luz to swipe something up from the ground.

Holding it proudly over his head both him and Luz marched back into the room, the bedroom door closing softly behind them. Willow and Amity leaned in close as Gus dropped the mysterious object to the ground with a soft and dramatic thump.

"What… is it?" Willow asked curiously, inspecting what looked to be a black rectangular box that lay before them.

"Is this part of the slumber party?" Gus asked curiously as Luz picked up the box and gave it a small shake.

"Not that I'm aware of. Let's open it!" The human said excitably, turning the box over to rip it open.

"Wait!" Amity yelped, grabbing Luz by the arm to stop her. Realizing what she was doing, Amity immediately dropped the contact, blushing profusely as she pointed to a small piece of paper that had fluttered to the ground.

"A note!!" Luz's eyes twinkled, causing the blushing witch to somehow go even redder. "Amity, you should read it for us!"

"What?!" Amity choked in surprise. "Why me?!"

"You found it! Besides you have a nice voice!" Luz explained casually, shaking the box slightly and holding it up to her ear.

Amity found it difficult to breathe as she shakily grabbed the note and held it in front of her, Willow and Gus scooting forward in excitement. Trying to ignore the thundering of her heartbeat in her chest and the full attention of the room, Amity glanced down at the note.

"Dear Sleeping Party attendants! You have been called upon to vanquish the evil from within this board! Inside you'll find what seems to be a normal board game, but is actually a prison for a very powerful and evil spirit! The only way to keep it's villainy contained is to play and win the game. The world is counting on you. Good luck! Mwehehehehehe."

Amity frowned and reread the note to herself. The world? That seemed farfetched to say the least. Where did this box even come from? Who sent it to them? Looking up Amity saw the stars dancing in Luz's eyes. Her crush was sold. Gus was practically buzzing beside her.

"I've heard of objects that could be bound with spirits before, but never like this!" He babbled excitedly.

"I have! You know how many human stories are filled with things like this? How long I've been wanting to do this?!" Luz grinned, finally figuring out how to open the box.

As the top lid slid off, a cheap and busted old board fell to the ground with a cloud of dust. Flipping the box over, a pile of cards, dice and one rather large hour glass spilled out as Luz gave it one final shake. Willow automatically went to organize everything and flipping the board over Amity saw a long and complicated maze pattern. The entire board seemed to be black, with the path cutting along through it a dull, brownish red. It seemed like each square had one of 3 icons sprinkled randomly throughout. In the very, very center of the board there was some sort of design. Amity reached forward and brushed the dust and dirt away from it as Luz and Gus talked excitedly above her.

The chatter quickly faded as everyone's eyes slid to the symbol that Amity had just uncovered. It was carved into the board itself, the deep grooves of the design painted in a faded and chipped white. Luz stared curiously while Gus, Willow and Amity all exchanged a concerned look. The design was simple, a small circle, with 4 tight loops surrounding it in all 4 cardinal directions, connecting in a diamond pattern in the very center of the circle.

The Witch's Knot.

Luz looked up at the plant witch curiously, one eyebrow raised as Amity swallowed the lump that was quickly growing in her throat.

"Oooh. That's elegant." Luz cooed.

"It's not elegant Luz…" Willow breathed quietly.

"That's," Amity pointed at the symbol, "a witch's knot. It's a symbol used to ward off evil."

Luz turned her head down to the board game and nodded. "Oh I get it, because of the evviiiilll theme this game has going on right?" She chuckled lightheartedly. When no one responded in kind, the human became quiet, her grin slowly slipping off her face.

"No. You don't understand. The Witch's Knot isn't just some superstition or tradition. In the Boiling Isles it had been used as a spell, carved to literally seal away evil. It hasn't been used in centuries though." Amity explained further, staring at the ancient white symbol. A cold feeling crept up her back.

Maybe there really was something to this game.

"Well, that makes what I'm about to say next, something that I have wanted to say forever by the way, a little more somber…" Luz gulped as she grabbed the dice Willow had set aside. The human tossed them into the air, and as they all watched the cubes crash down, she spoke again.

"Let the game… begin."

***

Despite the incredibly dramatic and powerful gesture, Luz had no idea how to play the game, none of them did. Luckily for the companions, Willow eventually found the directions taped to the inside lid of the box Luz had tossed aside. They were scribbled out in child-like handwriting but they were detailed enough to understand:

- Rolling the dice will move your character that many steps forward. On the board there are 3 different symbols. These represent your obstacles, fail to complete them and you lose your life. The only way to reverse this death is for a living player to revive you by taking a detour off the fastest route. Be warned, choosing this path will waste precious time and you will be risking your own life. You may only revive one player per game.

- Each player must choose a small token to represent themselves on the board. You will work together with those around you to overcome each obstacle in your path to the sigil. The goal is to reach the end with at least one player still standing to revive the The Witch's Knot protecting us from the evil.

- You may not begin the game until you have flipped the hour glass. If the last grain drains from the timer and you have not reached the end, evil will be unleashed.

-The Board itself is enchanted to tell if the players are worthy. It will be the judge and jury for the challenges you complete.

[ ~ ] Draw a blue card and cast the correct type of magic listed on it at the board. If you fail to cast the correct spell you lose your life.

Below are the symbols you will encounter on your quest:

[ + ] Draw a pink card and complete the challenge listed upon it. If you fail to meet this challenge you lose your life.

[ * ] Draw a green card. Answer the question on it correctly to move forward. If you get it wrong you lose your life.

Now having read through the rules, everyone seemed a lot more hesitant to start.

- When your token reaches the end, the correct lines to reseal the evil will appear. Read them aloud in a strong and clear voice.

"This seems like a bad idea." Amity echoed the thoughts of everyone in the room. Her amber eyes flicked up and caught Luz's warm brown ones. The human gave her a shaky smile.

"Come on Ami," Amity had to remind herself to keep breathing at the idea of her nickname. "It will be fun. Besides… I'm not exactly itching to find out what happens if we don't play." The human admitted quietly. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the dice.

They had all chose board pieces to represent themselves from Luz's large collection of knickknacks. Luz was a small figure of Azura while Amity was Hecate. Gus found himself a tiny rubber chameleon toy while Willow fittingly found a small plastic flower. Each kid seemed to fidget with their tokens as Luz looked at them each in turn. Nodding, the human set her figure down on the start square. Immediately a buzzing sound filled the room and the dull red path illuminated itself. The symbols now glowed their respective card color.

"Well. That seems ominous." Luz laughed nervously, her eyes growing wide as the light from the path traveled towards the Witch's Knot, as it reached the chipped white paint, the symbol flashed, changing it's paint to a bright angry red. "Scratch that. That is just ominous. Is my soul about to be consumed? Did I just sell my soul to a board game?"

Willow set her piece down next, a small ring of light forming around it as the board recognized yet another player.

"Well, I wasn't really using my soul for anything important at the moment. Let's do this." The plant witch grinned and Amity watched as Luz's confidence swiftly returned.

Gus whooped and set his own piece on the board earning him a wide smile from both of his friends. Soon all sets of eyes drifted to Amity who was staring down at the note that had been originally taped to the box. She couldn't shake the horrible suspicion that someone was setting them up. Looking down at the now glowing and obviously magic board, it was clear they were already too far into the trap to back out now. Taking a deep breath she placed Hecate down right next to Azura.

"Alright. Let's do this." Amity nodded, swiftly grabbing the hour glass sitting next to her. "Is uh, everyone ready?"

"Oooh! Can I say it? Amity pleaaaseeee?" Luz jumped in suddenly, startling the green-haired witch into nearly dropping the time piece. Resetting her heartbeat, Amity handed the hourglass to Luz who grinned widely.

"Alright. This time for real. Let the game begin." The human announced as she flipped it and begun their countdown.

The dice magically floated over to Luz as soon as the first grain of sand hit the bottom of the glass. It was clear who was going first. Tossing them out in front of her Luz rolled a 3 and 5. As she reached to move her figure, it zoomed away from her hand, darting forward 8 spaces by itself. The symbol beneath it glowed a bright pink. A challenge space.

Luz grabbed a card, and the race against time began.

Gus was the first to die, his token being swallowed by the board itself after he lost his balance 2 seconds into a 5 second handstand.

Amity was the next to lose to the game. Her concentration on a fireball spell having been completely shattered by Luz's supportive hand laying on her shoulder. Amity knew it wasn't her simply being startled like Luz apologized profusely for, but there was NO way she would be explaining that today. Not over a stupid board game at least. Fate of the world or not.  

Luz and Willow were about 3/4th through the path leading to the sigil when just a few spaces ahead the path split in two. Written in very faint lettering was the words: "Forest of Revival" by the detour path. Looking down it, the companions saw every single square through the 'forest' was lined with knowledge cards. The path itself eventually weaved back to the sigil, but was easily twice as long and packed with symbols.

If they wanted to revive someone it would be a struggle. Deciding to move forward Willow rolled her dice and landed on a spell square.

"Summon a small abomination to pick up your token off the board."

The group fell silent. Willow had never been good at abominations. She slumped in defeat.

Amity had to speak up, the painful memory of her teasing hanging over the entire room.

"You've got this." She said quietly, looking anywhere but Willow.

Luz's eyes flicked worriedly towards Amity, before they turned back to Willow.

"Amity's right. I've seen you do much cooler then a little abomination." Luz cheered helpfully.

"Thanks you two, but I think we both know what happens now." Willow admitted holding a hand up and drawing a pristine circle.

The resulting pile of barely sentient goop unsurprisingly earned a negative reaction from the board and Willow's token disappeared.

Luz wasted no time grabbing the dice for the next turn. They only had about 20 minutes left.

"I'm going to revive someone." She announced, rolling the dice and moving her token into the empty space before the forest.

"Wait, Luz! The forest is full of knowledge checks. Chances are you're going to get something you haven't learned yet. And we won't be able to help you." Amity spoke up quickly.

"Yeah, well you can't really help me if you all are dead right? Look. I'll be fine. There's 12 spaces to the revive square. If I roll double sixes, I'm there."

"That's a pretty big IF Luz..." Willow said worriedly, glancing over at the hourglass.

Turns out they didn't have to be worried at all. As double sixes appeared on the dice, Azura shot forward safely through the forest and landed directly on the revive square.

"I'm reviving Amity." Luz announced decisively as the square began to glow a bright yellow and Hecate appeared beside Azura.

"Me? Why?"

"Because statistically you are the most obvious choice. Top Student and well versed in multiple different magic tracks." Gus nodded, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Good choice Luz!"

Willow merely looked away in shame and Amity felt guilt twist at her heart.

"Well that's not exactly true, but I figure since all of us are always getting up to magic mischief that Amity should get to be a bigger part of this adventure. Plus, historically we have made a pretty good team." Luz beamed, somehow melting the tension of the entire room with her words.

She practically melted Amity face too as heat rushed to the witch’s cheeks at the compliment.

They resumed the game, getting further and further through the forest. As the sand ran down in the hour glass, Hecate and Azura inched closer towards the sigil and the evil within the board.

"1234...5...6... and 7. Nice! Just enough!!" Luz counted excitedly as the board moved her token into the final square before the Witch's Knot. She glanced worriedly at Amity who was still several spaces away and then at the hour glass with just a sliver of sand left.

They were running out of time.

Luckily the board seemed to recognize Luz's finish as a team victory and Hecate was pulled straight to the end, standing alongside her friend/rival Azura.

Two white cards appeared in front of Luz and Amity.

"Ok. So... now we just read whatever's on this card and the evil gets re-sealed?" Luz asked uncertainly, fidgeting with her card.

Amity simply stared at the white card still laying in front of her, dread building in her chest. If there was ever a time for the trap to spring... it would be now. Haunted objects like this often came with a curse, especially here in the Boiling Isles. The ancient symbol currently pulsating red in the center of the board reminded Amity that there was a chance that whatever 'evil' this board contained may be far too old and powerful to simply be sealed away by two witches in training...

"Yep. And hurry! There's not much time left!" Gus's panicked voice jolted Amity out of her thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Amity snatched the card up and flipped it over, almost completely in sync with Luz.

"To defeat the evil within in this board, I hereby announce that-" The two read off in unison.

"... King is the greatest of all time."

"... Luz is a buttface."

The entire room fell silent as the two finished the 'spell' causing the Witch's Knot in the middle to flash a bright, blinding blue before the entire board went dim.

From the doorway the companions could all hear a malicious cackling.

Amity turned around slowly, only to see the resident demon of the Owl House rolling around on his back, laughing.

"YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN YOUR FACES! Oooooh. Oh nooooo! The evil of the board is going to get usssss. Wheeeeheheehehe."

"King!!" Luz reprimanded angrily, but the smile on her face gave away her true feelings. "You know, if you wanted us to play a board game you made, you could've just asked!"

The little demon pushed himself off the floor and wiped his eyes. He walked to the center of the board and kicked over the hourglass, seconds away from running out of sand.

"Psssh. Like I'd want to be involved in your silly little 'Sleep Party' thing anyways. Not that I got an invite or anything..." King grumbled.

Amity felt bad for the little guy, even if the game had them all stressed over nothing, he just wanted to feel included. Reaching forward hesitantly, knowing she didn't have the best relationship with the demon, Amity gently scooped him into her arms and coddled him.

And to both of their surprise, The King of Demons let her.

"Besides, it's not my game anyways. I just wrote those last two cards." King continued, crossing his arms defiantly from his position in Amity's arms.

Luz frowned. "But if you didn't make it then... who did?"

"I don't know. Eda just had it laying around. I found it a couple of days ago and planned this spectacular and amazing prank to pull on you guys for not inviting me. And it workkkeedd! Hah!"

Amity tensed. Nobody knew who made it? A board this enchanted had to have been made by someone.

"No, that's not right. There has to be some sort of clue, right?" Luz frowned, looking around at her friends.

"I don't know, I didn't look." The demon king shrugged before stretching out and curling tightly into Amity's chest.

"Try flipping it over? Maybe there's a name or something. That's what my dad's always do to our stuff in case it gets lost." Willow suggested helpfully.

Everyone nodded as Luz tentatively reached over and flipped the board over. On the back, faintly scratched into the cheap cardboard, were two initials and a small inscription. They had found their answer.

L + E - Vanquishing evil together. Forever.

The End

[dystopian-penguin]

Is this a real life story? Is this a fic concept? Who knows 🤷

But here’s a very long account of... something.

This isn't a gay disaster story. It's a gay sad ending story. It's a gay "self-homophobia is very real and realistic” story, and not in the "gay panic is kinda cute" way.

It all started 14 years ago (yes that long), when I was still deeply in the HP fandom and even more deep into reading James/Lilly fics in ff.net all day long. For the first time in my entire life I decided to sort by “all works” and not just “completed”. I know it might sound super silly, and even a bit cliche considering this is tumblr and we live and breath fics, but that single decision literally changed the course of my life. And unlike what I usually do, I am not exaggerating. I found this one fic that must have had, like, 20 chapters and almost 100k words and dived into it without looking for rocks in the bottom. Long story short: the last posted chapter ended on a huuuuuge cliffhanger, like the very next moment after the kiss, and it left me completely destroyed.

So I did what I always do, what I am known on tumblr and my small social circle in here to do: I went to scream at the author.

But I wasn’t content to just scream in the comment section, oh no. For all I knew the bitch wouldn’t even see it, the last update had been from like 8 months previously. So I stalked her ff.net profile and found her MSN email. Yes, the story is THAT old.

My literal first words to her must have been something akin to “OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH”, which yay for the beautiful poetic irony that the universe crafts at times. She took it in stride because, let’s face it, a shitton of people had already greeted her like that by then. And we started talking, and it was easy and fun. We had a lot in common, more or less the same type of interests, the usual you’d expect if I had met her on tumblr even. We must have talked like 3 hours straight on that first day, and I left feeling pretty good cause I had made a new friend. Not only that, but right off the bat I admired her so much. Not only because she was talented as fuck (imagine writing a 100k unfinished fic at only 15 y/o), but also because the more I talked to her the more I could see just how fucking cultured she was and how intelligent and ect. She came from a wealthy family and such a different reality from me. She had been abroad, in fact she usually travelled abroad with her family like twice a year, she was fluent in english even then (at that point I was I intermediate at best), not to mention german because her family was german. She was 15 (a year older than me back then) and trilingual and could write wonderfully and I was fascinated by her instantly.

Something else worth of note was that her profile pic on the day we met had been set to a close-up of a blue eye. I must have asked on that very same day whose eye was that because damn if it hasn’t been the prettiest blue I’ve ever seen. I mean, I hadn’t told her that, but I was curious enough to ask. And as everyone and their grandmother might have guessed by now, it was hers.

Somehow (and I truly don’t know HOW), we got into the habit of talking every day, or at least very close to it. I got to know about her daily life, just one state south from where I live and sooooo much colder than what I had ever experienced. She went to a swiss school, fully bilingual, was the first in her year in the IB program which for the love of crap I didn’t even know it existed back then. Might not ever have known if I never met her. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers, and back then SMS messages were like 1,50 bucks for inter-state ones. Our mothers were not happy.

Around a year and a half went by this way. She became my best friend, my rock. We both had a shitton of problems in your high school lives and in our family lives, and we were so relieved to know there was someone out there we could share those with. In the meantime she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, ironically just a few months before I had my very first kiss. When she broke up with her boyfriend she was absolutely devastated (they had been together almost a year or so), and relied on me a lot back then. Which I was more than happy to support because for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like I was actually part of someone’s life. I didn’t feel like I ever bothered her, like I was ever intruding in her life. I felt like I was truly part of her world, like she actually remembered my existence when I was not around, and at now-16 years of age that had literally been the first time I had felt that. I never had a true friend before her. Not sure I ever did after her either.

On easter 2008 we finally convinced our moms to let us meet. Her family had a whole goddamn country house with a huge plot of land, so it was decided I was gonna visit her first. So I got semi-sedated and got into my first plane ride EVER, and for those of you that are reading this and know me (although I doubt anyone is reading at all), you know how terrified of planes I am. You know how BIG of a gesture it is for me to get into a fucking plane for the first time in my life for a person.

I already knew she was pretty. I mean, we had talked on the webcam a couple of times before (just a few times because the internet back then was really terrible). The blue eyes I mentioned, and the most fucking beautiful silky blonde hair you’ve ever seen. But when I saw her the first time on that airport it still took my breath away. Even more, what truly surprised me, was the huge smile she gave as soon as she saw me out of the gate and she rushed to hug me. I was paralyzed. I mean yes I was happy and hugged her back, which was a huge deal because back then I was not touchy feely at all (and she was VERY). But I was paralyzed. Because I had never in my entire 16 years of age seen anyone smile that big or that brightly at seeing me. Hell, I suppose I had never seen anyone smile that brightly at all. As the day progressed she was so legit happy that I was there, and I could never fully wrap my head around it. We drove to her house and her mom took the long way just so they could show me all the interesting spots in her city, and she shared tidbits of her daily life that I still didn’t know, despite us being so close, because those are the things you only learn by actually being next to the person irl. Later on she introduced me to her two best friends in school, and we all decided to watch a horror movie.

Yes, it’s THAT cliche.

Now, you see, I’m absolutely fucking impervious to horror movies. Yes I get jumpscared just as much as anyone else, but I don’t get scared. So I was sitting there a bit lowkey bored, narrating the entire plot of the movie and what would happen a few scenes before it did because the movie was just that easy to guess. And she had taken complete ownership of my left arm the entire time, being half super scared and half impressed I could guess every single thing on the plot. Later on she apologized for not letting go of my arm because she knew I wasn’t as touchy feely as she was, and I was once again taken aback because I come from a ridiculously touchy-feely country and NO ONE ever apologizes for it or respects my boundaries on it.

The next day we wake up bright and early to go to her ranch-thingy. She slept on top of me on the car almost all the way there. I must have woken up like a whole hour before her but didn’t move at all.

I’m a city slick. I’m a huge city slick, through and through. Which means I am both fascinated and absolutely terrified on any plot of grass bigger than a garden. And her country house was fucking amazing. I had only experienced the true freedom of being in nature a few times in my life, and she made sure to show me every nook and crane of the forest surrounding it. Because yes it was a forest and not a jungle like where I lived, and that made it all the more magical.

But the truly one magical thing in the entire 4-days weekend was the stars. You see, I am absolutely in love with the stars. It’s stupid to say something like this when I was retelling the greatest love story of my life, but the stars are my one true love. I got my first telescope when I was five years old. My mother cannot for the life of her explain where I got this obsession from. She always said I was already born that way. So I find myself for the first time in my life with the least amount of light pollution I’ve ever been subject to in my entire life (even nowadays). For the first time in my life I has actually been able to see the Milky Way with my own two eyes. And what made everything even more impressive was that it was a full moon, and the night sky still looked as incredible as it’s supposed to look. Honestly it might have been a great contender to the beauty of her blue eyes.

The moment I remember the most is us laying down on some beach towels (no idea why they had those in the countryside), stargazing for hours at end. By then we were two full states to the south of mine, so I believe the technical definition of what I was feeling is fucking freezing my inexistent balls off. I had gotten dressed in just some jeans and a tshirt way before the sun set, and I was dammed if I was gonna interrupt our stargazing to go put on some decent clothes. I remember her asking a few times if I was cold, and I also remember myself lying through my teeth saying I had gotten used to it by then. Blatant lies, my nipples could cut through fucking glass at the moment. But I wasn’t gonna interrupt it because it was just the two of us on a grassy clearing, her family was at least 200m away and we couldn't even hear them anymore and it was just us and the stars and her hands were so close to mine that I could feel the heat (the only source of it for my beach-town ass I suppose). It was the perfect fucking moment. The moment most people dream of having their entire lives. I have no idea how long we stayed there, but it was a few hours for sure. Her mom had to call us back inside, and nothing broke my heart more. We talked about anything and everything. I told her what I knew of astronomy and I could see for the first time I was fascinating her with knowledge. Because I had always felt and will always feel like a peasant in the presence of a princess when it comes to her. With how cultured and educated and just fucking smart she always had been. But as I told her of the constellations (sometimes grabbing her hand to point to the stars and make her spot them better), and proclaimed my love for the night sky, she listened. She listened and I had never felt heard before in my life. She listened and I felt I had managed to make her fall in love with the stars a little bit by just talking about them.

She listened and I felt I had managed to make myself fall in love in her a little bit by just seeing the way she looked at me as I talked.

All good things come to an end and time had come for me to go back home. I will never forget how she hugged me goodbye on that same airport. Where I had seen the brightest smile on my life and now I could see she was holding back tears for me. Because I was leaving. I was important enough in someone’s life that they were about to cry because I wasn’t going to be around anymore. She way she whispered “I’m gonna miss you so much” on my ear, on such a low note I am sure it was just so her mother wouldn’t hear her, and her voice will haunt me for the rest of my life. She told me a few days later that she did cry on her way to school that morning.

After this it was near impossible to not be with her at all times. We texted constantly, and used to talk like 2 whole hours on the phone before bed. Once again I must remind you this was 2008 so it was no cheap business. Her mother started to try to separate us a bit, insisting she didn’t contact me as much, even tho I was sure the one who could not afford those phone bills, not her. It all culminated on what was ironically (or perhaps planned by her mother?) brazilian Valentine’s day (we are the only country in the world that celebrates in on St. Anthony’s day, which is June 12th). It was the first day in almost two years we didn’t talk at all, because of how much her mother had nagged her about it. The next day we talked as if we had been separated by a war for a decade.

I’m gonna take a break here to let everyone know that no, I did not think I was in love with her back then. I don’t think she knew either, but it’s hard to tell.

Her mother planned her entire july winter break to the minute just so she could spend the least amount of time in my house as possible. We got 5 days instead of the previous 4. But her mother came up with a ridiculous amount of trips for the family. She visit 3 different countries (and a whole different state inside her own country) within 30 fucking days. That’s how bad it had gotten then. Our SMSs had to be cut down to just two or three a day because of it.

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because when she arrived at my house (her family had insisted in meeting mine before letting her stay) I was able to see from three floors up how brightly she had smiled at seeing me again.

I’ll make this part short: we stayed cooped inside blankets the entire time, playing on my PS2. It was so ridiculous that my mom, maaaany years later, told me she usually left the house for hours at time just to give us an opportunity of finally doing something about our very obvious feelings. Unlike the trip we took to her ranch, this one was filled with 3am deep existencial talks. And unlike the other trip, we spent the whole time sleeping on the same bed. Not a whole lot happened other than us dancing around the obvious feelings and how to deal with being so close to each other.

Nothing beside the very last morning together. I remember always waking up after her, because that’s just how we were. I remember she was already up, reading this book in fucking german of all things. It had been the first day of the entire week we had a meager ray of sunshine. And the way my window and ourselves were positioned, the sun was shinning directly on her. I woke up to the vision of an angel. I had never seen hair in such a warm bright color. I had never seen eyes that were the living embodiment of a spring afternoon sky. I woke up and her propped up on a couple of pillows, reading under the weak morning sun was the first thing I saw. It was the first thing I saw and I could swear I was still dreaming.

Because for the first time in all this, I could not contain and muffle the voice inside my head that was screaming: I want to wake up next to this every single day for the rest of my life.

It was the last time I woke up next to her for the rest of my life.

To my credit I did shake off my daze from the sight quite fast. I had gotten so good to drowning out these feelings that I was great at putting my poker face back up. We talked, we had breakfast, we let ourselves feel a bit sad about her leaving.

Then, just about half an hour before we actually had to go shower to take her to the station, it happened. The one moment that made me feel confident this all wasn’t just in my head. It all wasn’t just wishful thinking of a lonely pathetic girl who got way too bullied in high school.

We were having an impromptu pillow fight cause why not. That’s how girls who are secretly in love handle their feelings after all. It’s universal I think. And, well, on the overall 9 days we spent together irl I never actually beat her once because I’m just that much of a noddle. But this one fight we were both in bed, with weak footing and etc. You can see where this is going.

So on a scene to rival any anime, or that one gif of girls playing handball that fall on top of each other, she fell on top of me. Well, did she fall? I don’t know. For all I know, she planned.

And we had the moment. The gaze. Those few indescribable seconds of your life that you’re always gonna remember like yesterday, no matter how old you get. She had each of my hands pinned to the side of my head, and at first I thought we were still fighting so I just struggled and laughed and was saying stuff like “get off me ya psycho!”. But then I looked up. I looked up and.

And then I felt it. I felt everything her eyes were telling me. She wasn’t playing with me anymore. She was staring at me as if she already knew it was going to be the last time. She was staring at me as if it was a love story because it was. She was staring at me as if her entire existence, as if the whole oxygen on the earth itself depending on my presence.

She was staring at me like I has never been looked at before, or since. Even with a 3-years long relationship I had muuuch later on. No one had never, or will ever, look at me the way she looked at me.

And I froze. I froze because I had no idea what else to do. I froze because inside my head back then this was still wrong. Girls should not kiss. Girls should never kiss.

It was wrong.

It was so wrong, but nothing, not a single piece of bigot ramble ever uttered in history would make me feel more scared than losing my best friend. Nothing in the world scared me more than losing her.

Could I cross this boundary? Did she want to? Or was it just a spur on the moment thing?

But then she stared at my lips and I could not help but lick my own. Out of instinct, out of craving, out of love.

To the risk of getting an angry mob to my house right now, no, we did not kiss.

In fact, I dont quite remember the next few seconds at all. It had been single the most intense moment in my life at this point. It is still one of the most intense moments I’ve ever experienced. I completely blanked out of how I actually got pulled out of it and back into the land of living. Next thing I know we are sitting on opposite sides of the bed, trying to move away from the awkwardness. We did manage, in a couple of minutes. and things went back to normal between us.

But things would never be back to normal within me.

I’m gonna take a pause here to point out I’m bisexual. So like every bisexual, I am a very confused person. Cause you see, the moment you figure out you're bisexual it’s so much more confusing than figuring out you're fully homosexual. Because in the moment, things don’t just click. Things dont just start to magically make sense. I was 16 and I had absolutely liked guys before. Was it with this intensity? No because I was fucking 16. She was the first person I was been truly in love with. But I know it in my soul that if she was a dude I would love her with the exact same intensity. This particular discourse took me another three years to solve, but I digress.

And then she left.

She left and, like I said, her mother had programed her entire july milimetrically so we could be as far apart as possible. She left my house straight back to her ranch, not even her own house, And they have no internet there, so no MSN. Just a single 30-minutes phone call a day, for the 4 days after we had spent the entire week cooped up in bed inside blankets and playing lame-ass RPGs. And then right after that she left for germany for two full weeks. But before that particular trip, she did manage to get home. She got home to a letter of her grandma that read...

Well to be honest I cannot tell you what it read exactly. Because she was extremely vague about it when telling me. But it was enough to destroy her. It was enough to make her think that her grandma would not want anything to do with her anymore and it was based off somewhat new events. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out the full contents of the letter. Her family is from the brazilian Bible Belt. But back then, at 16, confused as fuck, and already preemptively heartbroken, I legit had no idea what it said. She was vague and I didn’t want to pry. I just wanted to make her stop crying. I just wanted to put that beautiful smile back in her face but on that day I could feel her slipping away for the first time.

The rest of the story takes place in just a bit under two months. Maybe 6 weeks at most.

She goes to germany and finds a boyfriend, as one does. She leeches on this boy like a lifeline, but never stops texting me our 3 international texts we were allowed daily. In fact, the first thing she did after kissing him was pulling off her phone as texting me.

You can imagine how well this guy takes it.

Now, she goes back to brasil and this guy actually lives somewhat close to her. It’s a doable relationship. Once they both have access to internet and MSN again, and she is fast to introduce us, so happy that both of the most important people in her life are meeting. Even tho they had been together for like 3 weeks at this point.

I’m ok with it because, well, I still hadn’t figured myself out. I know no one will believe this, but I honestly did not feel jealousy. In fact, it was almost relief. Relief that I would not need to look into my feelings any further than I had back in july. I was happy for her. She seemed genuinely happy with this guy, and so was I.

And then Independence Day weekend comes and hell starts to... well, not break loose, but certainly get weaker on the seams. In here Independence Day is on September 7th, but both on my city and hers there's a city holiday on the 8th. On that year it ended up getting us a 4-day weekend again, and obviously I thought I was the one who was gonna be invited to visit her. I has been counting on it, planning for it.

Two weeks or so before that she informs me that she wants to invite her boyfriend over instead of it, which is like. Ok. Fair. But for the first time in this entire story I felt jealousy. Because that ranch, those stars, that sky... it was our place. I did not wanna share those experiences I had with her with anyone else. But I kept quiet of course, because how could I not? I tell her “yeah it’s a bit upsetting because I was hopping we could see each other, but I am genuinely happy you get to spend time with him!”

She ghosts me in that week.

To this day, 12 years and 2 months later, I do not know why. I do not know how. I know her grandma called again when she learned the boyfriend was gonna come over and not me, but that’s all.

She ghosted me before ghosting was even a thing. So I had no other social parameter to deal with the situation. I will never forget the absolutely heart wrenching pain I felt when I figured out she had blocked me on MSN. It’s indescribable.

It’s indescribable because she was the first person I felt like actually gave a flying fuck if I lived of died, if I was happy or if I cried. And she had up and decided to fucking cut me out her life without a single fucking word of explanation. One night everything was fine, we even had a group chat with her boyfriend. The next day she is gone forever. I don’t know, nor I think I will ever learn what triggered it. What was the last fucking draw, the last fucking prejudiced word directed at her that made her do it.

My world had been full of color, full of life, and even if literally everyone around me in real life would be so much happier if I didn’t exist (back then I DID NOT get along with my mother), she had seemed this entire time to be so much happier with me around. She was the one person who liked my existence. And literally overnight, I wake up and my world is empty. My world is empty and my air is missing and I don’t fucking know why.

It’s been 12 years and I still don’t know why.

Her boyfriend harassed me a bit back on orkut. Like, I have no idea why. It was unprompted. But it does give you a big fucking clue does it now?

I haven’t gotten a single word from her ever again. I know she’s alive, that’s not the fucking point of the story. I know because I tried to contact her again through every fucking means possible. I even sent her a letter of all things for fuck’s sake. When facebook came along I found her there too and sent her a message. Once 3 years after the fact, and then again 6 years after the fact. That was the last time I tried contacting her.

I cannot say I was “faithful”, so to speak. I cannot say she has been the only thing in my mind. I cannot say that I have not loved again, because I have. I had a serious 3-year relationship, as I mentioned. I had actual gay disasters stories in between. She has not remained the foremost thing in my mind. She has not remained my one true love. There were times where I spent months without thinking about her. Even silly crushes are enough to stray my thoughts away, to stray my heart away

But what worth are those times if I always go back to thinking of her as soon as I see myself without someone? What worth are those times where she is not in my mind, if she had never left my heart to begin with?

What worth is forgetting about her at times when she is my default setting?

I know what you're thinking. “you’re not in love with her, you’re in love with the idea of what could have been”. And you’re absolutely right. I know you are. I’m fully aware of it, of the implications of it, not only on my love life but my mental health.

But she has been the single most influential person in my life. She was the one that got me to writing. She was the one who made face my mother and have The Talk we needed for fucking 16 years about who my father was. Fuck, she is the sole responsible for setting my life on that path, and all the domino effect of events that happened because of the decision of talking to my mother about it. She was the one that made me figure out I was bisexual. Not a lesbian, definitively not straight, but not gay either. Bisexual, out and proud.

She was my first love.

She was my first love and she is the one that makes me give some credit to the saying “at the end of your life you will see you’ve fallen in love with the same person over and over again”.

She was my first love and she makes me go fucking crazy enough to give the whole “soulmates” concept a decent thought, because this cannot have been natural. Loneliness cannot explain the entire thing. It cannot explain how ridiculously drawn I was to her right away. Attraction doesn’t explain it either. It cannot explain how insanely synced up I’ve always felt to her. How insanely connected.

I’m not gonna lie, I loved my ex. Truly and deeply. They were the only person to ever treat me respect, and I felt almost as connected to them as I did to her. Almost.

If we are getting technical, I felt, like, 95% synced up with them. Which is more than the vast majority of humankind can only dream of feeling.

But it was not 100%.

There has only been one person in my life that I have felt 100% connected with. One person in my life I have not been able to shake away, have not been able to get over. Oh I have moved on. I have moved on and moved back in and then moved on again. Many times, over and over.

But I have not gotten over you. I will never get over you. What happened. How it ended. You were my biggest heartbreak. You were my biggest love story, and I didn’t even get to live it.

You make me so illogical that I sincerely hope there is a next life out there. One we can meet, sit down, and talk.

I’m sure you are a completely different person right now. I am a completely different person too. And it is insane, it is illogical, and it is immature to think that these two completely different people would still have any vestige of a thing in common like we did as kids. Because we were kids. We were kids and now we are both adults, and have a single damn thing changed?

A whole fuckton of them changed. Seasons changed. Years changed. The entire fucking world changed. I have changed more than you can possible imagine a person would in 12 years.

But you being the default setting of my heart has not changed. No matter how “unfaithful” I’ve been to you. No matter how much I will keep on living not being attached to you. No matter how much I know at some point I will forget you, forget this feeling, and bask into the pleasure of a new love. No matter how much at some point I will surely think “wow, what a crazy bitch I was back then, with all these feelings for a random girl who certainly doesn’t even remember I exist”.

And that’s one of my biggest fears you see. Cause for me you are half the fucking book. For me you’re the constant element that comes back when sea is calm and things are ok.

And I fear that to you I was nothing more than a line, maybe a throwaway paragraph in your life.