#what made ME find out im trans was bc when i was like twelve (12 !! i was a fucking child !!!) i had made 'myself but a guy' as a character

[transgaysex]

love looking thru artfight for people to attack. i saw someone begging for gnderbends of their characters and going on abt how much they love those

[shkspr]

hey do you have any advice on figuring out your sexuality? I don't know what your experience has been but im struggling

anon, i am deeply sorry that it took me so long to answer this. it’s a combination of the fact that you can’t edit a draft of an ask on mobile (wack) and the fact that i’ve been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say (normal, i feel). anyway, this is what i’ve got, and i hope it helps.

first off, due to the nature of the things i’m discussing here, i want to state unequivocally that i am a lesbian who is open to relationships with trans women because i am attracted to women, and trans women are women. if anybody touches this post with their transmisogyny i will cast the evil eye on them. 

for what it’s worth, my experience with my own sexuality has been a long, hard process, and it’s been heavily, undeniably affected by my simultaneous journey with my gender identity, my personal identity, my childhood trauma, and my mental health. pretty much from the ages of 13 to 19 i was in a constant state of questioning everything about myself as a person. the only reason i even considered i might not be straight was bc i had friends who were not straight and i admired them. you can see how that would be confusing to a small teen who is already insecure about being a poser and a fake in every other aspect of life.

once i really examined what i was feeling, and talked it out with some of the aforementioned friends, i could admit that i wasn’t pretending, and that’s when i began identifying as bi. i wove in and out of different terminologies for a few years, burned thru several nb identities and several aspec identities, but the bottom line was that i was attracted to my own gender and other genders, and that was solid for a while.

when i was 18, i began thinking that i might be a lesbian bc, shock of shocks, i had made some very cool lesbian friends whom i admired. and i pretty much pushed that idea out of the way for a bit, telling myself it was not the truth, that i just wanted to feel special and cool, i just wanted to fit in. but then, shock of shocks again, i talked to some of my cool lesbian friends and they were very understanding and accepting and explained to me why all the reasons i thought i “couldn’t” be a lesbian were actually bullshit. 

so then i was a lesbian! and i spent a long time exploring my relationship with sex and found that i wasn’t asexual; some people are, and that’s cool! but my experience wasn’t a lack of sexual attraction or desire, it was a fear of vulnerability and a traumatic history with sexual content. i still had (or have) a complex experience with sex, and a muddy picture of gender, and a deeply flawed concept of interpersonal relationships, but i am a lesbian. and i’ve been comfortable with that for a while now, and i don’t foresee myself changing how i feel about that, but unexpected things can happen. 

and even though i’m comfortable with being a lesbian and calling myself a lesbian, there are always going to be things that give me pause. the thing is, the main way that i’ve changed and grown in this regard, is that those things don’t make me seriously question myself anymore. i’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that comphet, genderfeels, societal bias, etc etc, doesn’t make me less of a lesbian, even though it might feel like it sometimes.

that’s what it’s been like for me. my experiences are not universal, but i do happen to know that some of them are fairly common. but there’s also no right or wrong way to find yourself. there’s no rush, there’s no requirement. it is confusing and difficult more often than not, in a lot of different and scary ways. that being said, if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this post, it’s to always remember that your experiences are your own, and nobody else can decide for you what they mean or what to do with them.

it’s like this: you know when people say “everyone’s a little bit bisexual”? that’s not true, obviously. but i think there’s a truth hidden underneath it, and i think it’s a common experience that erroneously leads some people to that belief. no matter how you identify, there is almost always going to be something - compulsory heterosexuality, personal trauma that makes sex or romance uncomfortable, past relationships, one (1) very attractive man, whatever it is - that makes you think you’re wrong. even if you know you’re right. there’s always going to be something that could at any moment cause you to stop and think: wait, am i lying to myself?

and some people are not as vulnerable to those thoughts! some people go thru their daily lives and very rarely, if ever, consciously question their sexuality or their perception or performance of it. but other people are more susceptible to the thought spirals and the self-doubt and the confusion, and society at large feeds that and feeds upon it. for every lesbian you meet, there’s seven people giving twelve different reasons why they can’t be a “real” lesbian. for every bisexual person you meet, there’s a handful of thinkpieces about bisexuality that contradict their experiences. and so on and so forth. and that’s enough to cause a lot of indecision and anxiety.

but it’s also very freeing to take that thought and follow it to its necessary conclusion: that nobody on earth can tell you what your sexuality is. sure, if you’re a woman who feels genuine attraction to men and wants to pursue sex or relationships with them, you’re not a lesbian. that’s just because words have meanings. but you get to decide what “genuine attraction” is to you, and you get to decide whether you’re comfortable pursuing those relationships. and that’s just one example; the same logic applies broadly.

the bottom line is really that agonizing over labels and definitions just means you miss the forest for the trees. in a practical sense, in real life, who would you want to date, marry, kiss, have sex with, etc.? without thinking about what you should do, what you should want, what you’d be able to do if you had to, what you did last week, internet discourse, a dream you had when you were 12, whatever, none of it is relevant except insofar as it informs your current feelings on the matter. you’re not obligated to choose a label, and if you want one then there’s no deadline to pick one, and once you do you’re not locked into an identity for life.

which is all to say that no, not everybody is a little bit bisexual, but nobody is 100% anything, in this or any other facet of life. and that doesn’t mean that people’s sexualities aren’t valid; they are valid, but they aren’t objective or concrete in the way we would often like them to be. they’re helpful labels for explaining something that is actually unfathomably complicated. so whatever you do, whatever you decide: you don’t need to be sure, you don’t need to be right, you don’t need to be a certain kind of person, you don’t need to be anything in particular. you just need to be comfortable. 

[boyfriem-moved]

Tell me about your ocs!!

oh boy WILL I EVER (below the cut bc im probably gonna ramble forever sjhdlhfsjd sorry)

so the ocs i was shitposting abt in that last post are my dumbass 12 year old ocs who were inspired by seraph of the end and the mortal instruments so it was uh,,,,,,,, a whole ass trainwreck but i love them and every time i tried to make them interesting i ended up changing everything about them so like last year i decided i would keep as much the same as i wanted about them and just fully embrace the mary sue dumbness of it and go absolutely wild

so! the state of the world at this point is that most of humanity is dead and the world is overun with demons and seraphim and some Whole Ass Biblical Angels and also vampires i guess bc Fuck You Vampires Are Cool. most living humans travel around in packs, general apocalypse bullshit yknow anyways all that’s boring onto the characters 

rowan is my twelve year old self’s self insert and their main personality trait is that they have an eyepatch and own a scythe and i love them to death. they’re self sufficient and perpetually annoyed and super gay and pretend to have no feelings but are actually super high strung and constantly worried about their friends. also they have an edgy cloak and bright red hair and did i mention the eyepatch and the scythe they’re the world’s edgiest bitch and i love them 

picture (sry for the old art it’s from like last december oof)

mal was pretty much nothing except rowan’s comphet boyfriend when i was younger so naturally i gave him the world’s most undeserved makeover and now he’s just a whole entire rowdy boy. imagine if the kid at your middle school who was obsessed with yugioh, instead of switching to magic the gathering when they got to high school, switched to kinning god and fistfighting demons. HIS dumbass origin story is that he was so scared of death that he made a deal with a demon named malachi (not its real name, the demons and seraphim are so terribly inhuman that human ears can’t hear their names, so they pick their own names somewhere within the range of “jeff” to “ylllmar the destroyer”) and then decided “hey as long as i have your power i basically AM you”, and now refuses to be called by his human name (james) because he’s so Dedicated To The Kin. (he’s such an asshole that he once told someone not to deadname him when they used his proper name. that someone being rowan. who is actually trans. they were not amused) 

picture (again: old (from november 2017 i think)) (also don’t worry he’s fine)

jem is probably my favorite (not 2 pick favorites but it’s her). she has all the confidence of mal, who’s so strong that he’s All But Immortal, except she’s 15 and 5 feet tall and couldn’t fight someone if her life depended on it. rowan considers her their mortal enemy, but they’re really something closer to girlfriends (although really it’s not that far of a leap from one to the other). she’s nosy and fearless and when she was like 13 she pretended to be a vampire to survive, joined a vampire girl gang, became the leader of said girl gang, then revealed that she was a human, but they all loved her so much that they just kinda said “fuck it” and now she has a horde of vampires to protect her wherever she goes. she’s The Ultimate Femme. wants immortality but doesn’t want it now because she doesn’t want to live in the body of a 16 year old for the rest of her life, so she’s waiting until her twenties to let one of the vampires turn her. in the meantime, she wears red contact lenses (vampires don’t have red eyes. it’s just a Her Thing) and every one of her outfits has enough frills and ruffles to smother her in lace. 

i dont have a readily available drawing of her but uh? yknow that girl from kill la kill (not to bring up kill la kill in the year of our lord 2019 i am SO SORRY) 

this one. that’s what she looks like kinda 

i can’t tell if this ask if ungodly long or if it’s just the pictures or both (probably both) but aNYWAYS 

my favorite beside jem is angel, aka the world’s dumbest bitch. his deal is that he’s a seraphim who was beaten up by his brothers for being a little bitch so he decided he’d go find a human to hang out with instead. so he put on the world’s most unconvincing human disguise (when i say seraphim i AM imagining glowing wheels of fire and eyes but they can shapeshift in this story bc uh. my world my rules) and went to find a human. and human. and he found little 12 year old rowan, said “this’ll do”, handed them a scythe, and they’ve been a dream team ever since. he’s fascinated with humans in the way that people are fascinated with their pets, which is kinda weird bc rowan is 100% the babysitter in this situation. he likes killing things, learning about human culture, rowan, and...that’s pretty much it. he and jem get along well because he’s like an overenthusiastic person and she’s the only one with the boundless energy to endulge him. 

again, no picture i’ve made myself, but i DID find the picture i ripped off google images a million years ago and used as his face (i promise you he looks nothing like that now...also i didn’t remember it looking like it had been deep fried jesus)

other noteworthy characters include: 

- mal’s pet demon who’s usually either a cat or a bird, both with WAY too many eyes, but sometimes takes the form of a little girl. her name is sara and her hobbies include mocking mal and biting people

- one random nameless demon who masqueraded as a middle school math teacher before the apocalypse which doesn’t matter one fucking bit except for the fact that when i was 12 i named him after my real middle school math teacher (i guess just bc i didn’t have name ideas?). which was all fine and good until my mom emailed him the story and i had to talk to him about how i’d written a short story where i inserted him as a demon 

- mika, the second in command of jem’s (almost) all vampire girl gang, her ex girlfriend and the butch to her femme