#what no i'm not thinking about them currently for any specific reason. you're crazy lmao...... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

patriciavetinari · 2 years

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I know I've talked about this before but it's relevant again. (It's my sex thoughts). I think a big reason I'm having trouble with dating is still my body image, but not in the sense of lack of my own confidence in myself, but lack of my confidence in others being normal about it.

What has always stopped me on dating apps from agreeing to in person meetings is that I think I'm still sort of expecting a reaction 'ummm... you're fatter in person, lmao bye'. And even if THAT doesn't happen, an even scarier scenario is clothed dates going well because I dress really nice and Can Accentuate, but then I'm terrified of getting undressed before other people (actually, yes, even in completely non-dating context like medical appointments, bra fitting I recently got, spa appointments etc). I'm terrified that I'm going to spend time, get close with someone, dare to undress with lights on, and them going 'is that cellulite? :/ is that body hair? :/ is that textured skin? are those stretch marks? is that a roll I didn't guess was there because your a-line skirt didn't cling to it? lmao, bye'.

I mean... I will probably bounce back from it. I do know all the confident blah blah blah of 'if they don't like your body they don't deserve to fuck it' / 'people in movies are specially selected for their thinness and then airbrushed beyond human norms'. Yeah, I know everyone is photoshopped, and potentially, that person that revealed themself as shitty is an instant turn off for me, I don't want them any more either. But it's still hurts, it's still a moment of great vulnerability that might confirm my fears of being unloveable not because of how I am but because how society is. I know I'm quite a catch, but it's MY sensibility and ME being normal about human appearance and MY work on my fatphobia and MY acceptance of all sorts of bodies. I cannot vouch for literally anyone else.

I cannot know what other people think of my naked body unless I show it to them. Either a photo which is not my intent here, I don't want to be observed, OR having to get to the stage of ultimate private vulnerability with a human being that will have a window of opportunity to attempt and hurt me. Or just reveal their internal bigotry that is actively cultivated and encouraged by modern society. Or even just hinting they were expecting something else and they are not crazy about me.

And with how rampant fatphobia is, how art and media only raise people on visual diet of perfectly airbrushed smooth thin hairless bodies I really have no reason NOT to suspect literally any match on any dating app of being an asshole about this. I have no reason to believe that the parts of my body I don't show can be loved because I never see that being the case. I have to look for very specific porn or art to find proof that bodies like mine are desired or admired.

And even that won't work because I cannot very well be putting stuff like 'searching for people who are cool with body hair and cellulite and actually actively find it attractive' on my profile because, well... Makes me sound desperate, makes people know of my vulnerability, makes them aware this is a pain point. I will then get paranoid of any match only pretending to be i to that to hurt me in the long term.

Yeah, I'm messed up, and I don't know how to break that (other than get naked in front of strangers). That's why I don't really care about dating apps, that's why I cannot bring myself to even have a one night stand, because that could mean (best case scenario) some ok sex, but for me it would be the first time in this current body, first time since I've been anorexic (and even then there was so little attention to me and no admiration of my looks, I've literally never been given a hint I'm desirable), AND it could also mean a moment of enormous pain from a person who I didn't know enough to trust before I agreed to casual sex.

Even though yeah, in theory, I want a no strings attached sex relationships, string of lovers and whatnot, but at the same time I have to trust those lovers genuinely want my body with all the cellulite and rolls and body hair turning them on. And it's impossible to know that for sure in advance.

Funny thing is, if someone did advertise it loudly ("hey comrades i like pussy the hairier the better") - that is also not something that I feel would solve the problem, because that has a touch of objectification. It's the other extreme of then not being crazy about me specifically but just chasing body hair like some people chase fat bodies in an objectifying way.

I mean yeah I see those posts about body hair being sexy and cellulite their beloved and so on, but those are theoretical people on the internet that don't know me, they don't get to see me and confirm it applies to me too. They are not turned on by me specifically.

You know those observations about neurodivergency, people making plans around you but you needing to confirm you are invited and wanted there? You know how you need to ensure 5 times that your friend is not mad at you but just experiencing a negative emotion because life? I just realized my thing about having it confirmed to me 10 times I'm desired with all those parts of me that are typically airbrushed out might be a version of that.

It also sucks so much because I'm a very sexual person and an absolute knockout in bed. It's like being able to bake and never daring to feed anyone because what if they think my whisk looks asymmetrical and weird.

#also yeah obviously that's why representation matters #also why most of body positice art is not really helping because digitally animated fat people are all still snooth and perfect #long post #sex talk

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