#when are the sh showrunners gonna hire me huh

[humansunshineao3]

“Do you do gin martinis?” Alec asked the bartender before he was even fully perched on the stool.

The bartender narrowed their dark, inquisitive eyes, tilting their head to the side. “Aren’t you that fancy shadowhunter boss?”

Alec scratched the back of his neck. “If by fancy shadowhunter boss you mean head of the institute, then yes.” He answered.

“Magnus’ boyfriend?” They pointed at him with a wink.

“Yep,” Alec smiled tightly. “Any chance of that drink?”

“Sure! I’m Maia, by the way. I’m dating Simon Lewis, the daylighter.”

Alec ahh-ed softly, nodding. “Right. Sorry, I’m not great with faces. You’re part of Luke’s pack, right?”

“That’s me. You’re Jace’s parabatai.” Maia smirked, “honestly I don’t know how you’re still standing. That guy is the most arrogant brat in New York.”

“Oh, I know that better than anybody,” Alec chuckled, watching as Maia mixed his martini.

“So what brings you to the Hunter’s Moon… Alex?” Maia’s voice went up in pitch at the end of their sentence, and Alec smiled.

“Alec,” he corrected them.

“Right, sorry. Alec.”

Alec sighed, wringing his hands together where they rested on the bar. “Just needed to get away from everyone for a while, think some things through. Get a little drunk, maybe.”

“Tough day at the office?” Maia sympathised, popping an olive into the martini glass and putting it in front of the shadowhunter.

“Relationship stuff,” Alec answered, a little reluctantly.

Maia hummed, “we’ve all been there.”

“It’s not even something I can apologise for,” Alec tutted, picking up his cocktail and swirling the olive around with slow circles of his wrist. “Usually when we fight, I did something stupid that I can just say sorry for and then it’s all okay.”

“Did Magnus do something?” Maia asked curiously, shoving a dishcloth into a tall glass to clean it out.

“No!” Alec insisted, taking a sip. “No, nothing like that. It’s… Well, alright, you might be able to relate. You’re dating Simon, right? So does it bother you that you’re going to grow old and die and Simon will have to put up with you when you’re old, and then when you die, he’s gonna have to just… Deal with it?”

Maia pursed their lips. “Huh. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, me and Simon have been together all of five minutes. And… I guess it kind of sucks. But, hey, what’s the alternative? Break up with him? Hope he dies?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem,” Alec sighed, running his hand through his hair. “It’s not like I’d ever want him to age and wither, I want him to be young and happy forever, but… I wanna be there with him, you know?”

“Then… Do that…” Maia chuckled, looking at him like the answer was obvious.

Alec snorted into his cocktail, “yeah, right. Become immortal. Of course, I’ll just become immortal.”

“Why not?”

“Well, because it’s impossible, for starters.” Alec pointed out.

Maia rolled their eyes. “Vampires are a thing.”

“Izzy couldn’t cope with that,” Alec sighed. There was no way he’d be able to be around Izzy as much as he was if he was turned; he wouldn’t want to put her in that kind of position. “Besides, it would mean I wouldn’t be a shadowhunter anymore.”

“And that would be a bad thing because…? Think about it, Alec. You know better than most boneheaded shadowhunters that the Clave is garbage, I’ve heard Luke talk about you. You could give them a lifetimes’ worth of work, still be young and full of energy, and then retire into a happily ever after with the man of your dreams? Remind me where the downside is here, Izzy aside.”

Alec jutted his lower lip out, thinking about it. “I don’t think a shadowhunter’s ever retired before.”

“Well, no shadowhunter ever tongued a warlock’s mouth in front of Clave officials either.” Maia snorted, “you’re a trailblazer.”

“Don’t cheapen it, it was a beautiful romantic gesture,” Alec grumbled teasingly, “and how does everyone know about that, did Simon film it on his phone or something?”

Maia grinned. “When a shadowhunter, especially a high ranking one, shows that he cares about downworlders like you did, world travels fast. Besides, Magnus is infamous, and it’s hot gossip that he settled down with the head of the institute. I heard about you before I even met Simon.”

Alec hummed, finishing off his drink. “That’s a lot of pressure.”

“You and Magnus will be fine. Think of it this way. Your biggest problem right now is that you love each other so much that the thought of being torn apart by time is hurting you. There are worse problems to have.” Maia assured him. “You want another?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.” Alec thought about their words for a moment. “The other thing is, Magnus wasn’t even ready to move in together. If I, theoretically, was thinking about looking into immortality… I don’t want to freak him out. He is right; we’ve only been dating for a couple of months. I mean I know he’s it for me, but… Like… How deeply can a 400 year old fall in just a couple of weeks?”

Maia rolled their eyes. “You know how many times Magnus sat in that exact seat and gushed about a tall, handsome shadowhunter with great hair who was definitely never going to give him the time of day? For like, months? Alec, sweetie,” they put a new martini in front of him and squeezed his hand. “I know this is difficult for you to wrap your head around, but you’re smoking hot and, from what I hear, a genuinely good guy. Magnus has been into you for almost a year. He’s in this. Everyone knows it.”

“He… Gushed?”

“Like a teenager,” Maia confirmed. “Every time I’d be like ‘how’s work?’ and then his eyes would do that big sparkly thing they do and he’d be like ‘oh, fine, I had to help the shadowhunters again. Alexander was wearing this rather fetching blah blah blah’ and the next thing I knew I’d have a run down of every endearing little gesture that you did that day. It would have been annoying if it wasn’t so fucking cute.”

Alec smiled slightly, resting his elbows on the bar. “I had no idea. He always seemed so calm around me.”

“He has an excellent poker face,” Maia agreed, “he was in here just a few weeks ago, holding that little charm thing you have him, talking about how nice it was to be with someone who valued him enough to buy him things.”

“He always seems so surprised when I spend money on him,” Alec sighed, shaking his head. “You know, I can’t fathom these people who he’s been with before who made him feel like he wasn’t worth it. How the fuck do you look at that man and not think ‘I would give you the entire world if I could.’ Like… How? It’s just… I don’t get it. He’s perfect.”

Maia shrugged. “I feel the same way about Simon. He’s so… Humble. He has no idea how hot he is, he has literally no ego, and, like, I love that about him. I do. But I just don’t understand how he could go through life looking like that and not get a big head from people telling him he’s wonderful. I…” Maia pressed their lips together. “I don’t know how Clary ever let him go for Jace.”

“Fucking hell, don’t get me started on Clary and Jace.” Alec grunted, downing the rest of his martini.

“Clary’s cute as hell and she seems nice enough, but… Picking Jace? Over Simon? Is she, like, okay?”

“I have no idea. I just… I don’t get it. I mean, I’m glad, in a way, because you and Simon… I can see it. You have similar…” Alec smiled. “You both get this passionate glint in your eyes when talking about romance. It’s nice.”

Maia ducked their head, their dimples peeking out at the compliment. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean, don’t get me wrong, Simon can be irritating but he’s a good egg. I always thought that he was naive and overly optimistic, but honestly? The fact that he’s still exactly the same person now as he was before he was turned? After everything? I have to admit, that takes strength that I didn’t know he had.”

“I know,” Maia sighed, shaking their head. “He’s just so good. You know what I mean? Like, I don’t know if you heard, but the Seelie Queen’s given him this new power. And he could use it to gain power or take out his enemies, but… He’s spending all of his time and effort into figuring out how to get rid of it. I really don’t know what I did to deserve him, but… Fuck. I’m not going to let him go, I know that much.”

Alec smiled faintly, his eyes fond. “That’s nice.”

“Shit, you won’t go and tell the Clave about Simon’s new power, will you? We’ve got it under control, I promise.”

Alec held up his hand. “Relax, Maia. As long as Simon’s not hurting mundanes, it’s no business of mine. I’m glad he’s got you looking out for him, though. There’s not much I can do to protect him from the Seelie Queen.”

“There’s not much anyone can do,” Maia sighed, putting another martini down in front of Alec. “She’s a crazy bitch with way too much power.”

“I can’t be heard agreeing to that,” Alec said, looking at Maia meaningfully.

“Oh, of course not, Mr Head of the Institute.” Maia laughed.

Alec grinned. “Why haven’t we ever talked before? I like you. You have common sense. And that is surprisingly rare in our little… Social circle.”

“Tell me about it,” Maia hummed, “no-one told me you were, like… Down to Earth. I always assumed you were old but in a young man’s body. Look at you, drinking martinis to numb your relationship anxieties. You really are a millenial.”

Alec chuckled, raising his glass to her. “Just because I’m a snotty bastard doesn’t mean I don’t like to drink.”

“Listen, compared to just about every other shadowhunter I’ve ever met, you’re a dreamboat.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m going to tip you later.”

Maia put their hand to their chest in faux outrage. “Why, Mr Lightwood, I would never try to manipulate my customers. But to answer your question, I don’t know. I guess we both avoid Clary and Jace so much we accidentally avoid each other as well.”

“That sounds about right,” Alec groaned, running his hands through his hair. “Those two have given me so many headaches over the last couple of weeks, I have literally no idea what’s going on with them.”

“Probably some fake sibling drama,” Maia rolled their eyes, “which, if you ask me, they recovered from way too quickly.”

“Right?!” Alec gasped.

“It’s weird, man, I don’t get it.”

Alec rested his elbow on the bar and his chin on his hand. “They’re alright, really. When they’re not together. I can almost get some sense out of them when they’re apart, but when they put those strange little heterosexual brains together, I swear, disaster always follows.”

“Strange heterosexual brains,” Maia cackled, clapping their hands. “Excellent.”

“No offense.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Maia waved it away, “I’m not straight, are you kidding?”

Alec sniffed, looking them up and down. “I suspected as much. You dress too well to be straight.”

“Ouch! Wow, you’re a real bitch when you drink, huh? Remind me to make the next one stronger, I love this side of you.”

Alec gave them a finger gun gesture he’d seen Simon do once, which made them laugh. It was a nice sound, and it made Alec feel at ease. “I think I’m gonna have to come and get drunk here every week, you know how long I’ve been waiting to meet someone who’s just as done with Jace and Clary as I am?! Months, Maia! Months!”

“Well, you’re always welcome here,” Maia assured him. “You’re good company. Monday nights are always quiet, and I always work them. Come and hang out whenever.”

“Mondays. Right. Oh! That’s perfect! Magnus and I have Martini Mondays, and we can just come here instead of having them at home!”

Maia tutted at him. “Well, that won’t do. If Magnus is here how are you supposed to wax lyrical about him?”

“Are you new?!” Alec exclaimed, eyebrows furrowed. “I wax lyrical to him all the time. Like aaaaall the time.”

“Oh my God, you guys are so cute. I can’t.” Maia sighed. “If I wasn’t equally as smitten with Simon, I’d find it annoying.”

“We should double date!” Alec insisted, slamming his hand down on the bar. “Yeah, yeah, dinner and cocktails, and blood and shit, you know, at Magnus’. Wow, Simon can be our token straight friend! It’ll be great!”

Maia squinted at Alec. “You think Simon’s straight?!”

Alec squinted back at them for a moment. “How did I not clock that? Am I slipping?”

Maia giggled, and Alec grinned at them.

“Well, even better. A strictly rainbow dinner party. We’ll get super drunk, and, I don’t know… What’s a gay thing to do?”

“Rate the cakes from Great British Bake Off?” Maia suggested, and Alec snapped his fingers, pointing at them.

“Yes! Perfect! God, we make such a good team!” Alec insisted, wiggling his finger. “I’m gonna… I’m gonna give you a job. I’m gonna promote you above Jace just to piss him off, let’s just become parabatai, man, it’ll be great.”

Maia watched Alec give his little monologue, totally bemused by how quickly the alcohol had hit him. “Sweetie, I’m not a shadowhunter, remember?”

“Nah, it’ll be fine!” Alec said in a high pitched voice. “My Mom’s not a shadowhunter either but she’s still fucking cool. Like, she’s so cool. I never thought she’d be cool, you know what I mean? She hugged Magnus, Maia. Right like it was nothing. It was fucking weird. But so, so cool.”

“That’s great, Alec…”

“I don’t have Mommy issues though. Like, at all. I know it’s a thing, like, that people think gay guys have Mommy issues, but I don’t! I mean if anything I have Da-”

“Okay! I think we’ve had enough of these for one night!” Maia laughed, plucking the martini glass out from in front of him.

Alec looked at them with mournful eyes. “I’m not that drunk.”

“Mmmmhm, sure, sweetie. Sure. Let’s call you a cab. Magnus will be endlessly amused with you like this.” Maia teased, reaching for the phone behind the bar.

“Magnus will tease me,” Alec whined, “you can’t tell him I’m drunk. I only had like four martinis.”

“Two and a half, actually.”

“Shhhh!” Alec hissed, waving his hand at them. “We’re best friends, you can’t do this to me.”

Maia giggled, and dialled Magnus’ number, ignoring the way Alec let his forehead fall to the surface of the bar.

“Hello?” Magnus asked.

“Hey, Magnus, it’s Maia, from the Hunter’s Moon. I have a very drunk, very soft and fuzzy shadowhunter here who I think you might know.” They told him, and Magnus chuckled.

“Send him home in a cab, I’ll wait for him outside. Thanks for looking out for him, Maia.”

“No worries. He’s been good company, actually.” Maia admitted, looking fondly at the shadowhunter, who’d started dozing right there on the bar.