#when i think about my mental health it just mskes me. really sad

[bewby]

i just thought too much about things and now i'm sad and going insane and my head is explodinf and i feel like dying and i hope i get killed soon

[bibblelevi]

Hey sar, just here to marvel at your genius!

Chapter 11, wow– I honestly have no words. I have the chapter open again and I am just saying whatever comes because my brain after reading it was just MUSH from all the angst and emotions.

I truly feel your interpretation/characterisation of levi is the most accurate I have read in a LONG, long time. SS is definitely within my top fanfictions ever tbh. I have no proper words to describe how much I loved this chapter apart from screaming and foaming at the mouth and spamming my other moots who haven’t read this to go read thIS FIC RIGHT TF NOW.

Gosh, we love a good Levi-centric chapter, don’t we? I mean, yes, the reader was absolutely present, but I love it when you hurt me with how accurately you describe the workings of his mind. They leave a long-lasting effect. His brain always tries to govern his heart. That’s just something he has had to do since he was a child. There was no time for feelings, no time to not worry. He could never not worry, never not care - but he also never had an outlet. He used to it festering for a long time, and after the Battle of Heaven and Earth, he could finally let go. And even then, in SS, which takes place only three years after… It's still hard. And I feel, in the perspective of mental health or even psychologically speaking and considering who he is as a person, I am so glad - I know it sounds strange - to see him struggling still. Glad, because it’s accurate. I have read fanfics - and I am not going to name and shame - where he’s fine and dandy in his little tea shop in Marley and that just wouldn’t be the case. He loves the teashop - he’s entitled to - but you writing him at struggling with peace - something he has longed for for years - it’s realistic. Painful, raw, but realistic.

Levi coming to his breaking point - or to a breaking point of some description - was so sad. It was definitely bound to happen. And I’m sure in the next chapter, given what you have told us is gonna happen in chapter 12– I’m sure we’ll see more depressive Levi. His tears– oh Sar, his TEARS. I was tearing up too. I’m glad they all came out, even if it was because of sex, because the poor man was so pent up (sexually yes, but I have yet to come across a more emotionally constipated character.) Istfg it’s like, “ah yes i have expressed one (1) feeling today, that’s enough” like BRO. The reader caring for him in the bath

“An unexpected tear escapes the corner of his eye, and you reach up and wipe it away, the water melting into the pad of your thumb. You want to tell him everything’s going to be okay—that’s he’s wonderful, and you know he’s trying his best—but you know he wants to pretend like he’s alone, and that you’re not seeing him come apart like this, so you stay quiet, continuing to wipe the tears as they come.”

This paragraph just kills me. The poor man. I am so in love with him, and I am in love with how you write.

AND FUCKING THIS–

“All I’m saying is—” He turns his gaze back towards the faucet and catches his reflection in the silver, “if you wanted to kiss… or fuck… anyone else… I wouldn’t like it.”

THATS IT HE SAID ILY. THATS THE CLOSEST WE HAVE GOTTEN TO ILY VERBALLY (i say verbally because literally 95% of this guy’s actions are out of love for reader, VERBALLY THIS IS SO CLOSE.)

Sar you are a genius and I can’t wait to be hurt again 😭😭😭😭

CECE!!! The fact that you had the fic open on another page as you typed this AHHH WHY DOES RHAT MSKE ME SO EXCITED!!

It was so fun to write something Levi-centric. I don’t consider myself like, a master of his character or anything, but it’s kinda fun to pick apart a brain and try to write their responses to the things around them/figure out why they are the way they are/etc. Lowkey like a character study?

Also, I am a SICK person because I love writing about men crying. I love their tears. I love their emotions. Because I think at heart Levi’s actually really sensitive okay :(( LIKE I JUST LOVE A GOOD SENSITIVW MAN WITH A BIG FAT HEART OKAY

AND FINALLY YES THERE’S SOME EXCLUSIVITY GOING ON. This way, they both know neither of them wants anyone else (at this point in time). They might as well be together honestly.

Thank you for reading cece :)) I’m always excited to read what you thought about the chapters and such

[eyesaremosaics]

I don’t know how much more I can take.

What do you do when things get as bad as they can, and it just keeps getting worse? It feels like drowning in quicksand. The more I struggle the faster I sink. Now I just sit very still, trying to delay it from swallowing me entirely. Feeling frozen in time this way, is very disorienting. Nothing seems to change. Every day is exactly the same. I can feel the vitality bleeding out of me. Draining away like sands through the hourglass. Until I am empty, hollow, and transparent.

Tonight I took the kids to their last climbing session. I ran up and down Chrissy field, toward fort point. Remembering the time I caught that eel there. Then flash to him telling me he brought the narcissistic 23 year old there. Sharp stab in my chest. Then flash I remember to boys mom taking them on picnics there. I remember taking the baby when he was small, and now it is part of my weekly routine to run along the beach while the kids are in class.

Tonight was misty, foggy and much darker than usual. The sea was violent. Lashing at the drags below. Licking their forked tongues at the deserted shore. Only a few runners out. I could hardly see two feet in front of me. Headlights glowed eerily in the distance, coming closer and closer through the gloom. Vaguely, I considered walking in front of them. Then I thought of my father, and how he would feel. My sister, my grandmother. My mother. The children. I may not have many people in my life who are really there for me, but i do have enough to try to stay here.

With a heavy heart I continued on. Approaching fort point, I felt suddenly serene. It was very spooky out here in this remote location near the bridge. This structure still standing since the civil war. I feel ghostly as valor, wishing I could dissolve with the sea foam on the surface of the water. Praying for tidal waves, to crash my mind so I no longer have to think of anything.

I have survived atrocious things, so much betrayal, so much abuse, so much rejection in my life. It hardly feels worth it. What do I have to show for my struggle? I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. I have no value. I can’t make relationships work. I’m always picked last. I feel like a joke or something in the circles I move in. I’m past my prime for what I have been doing, and now I need to make a mark on the world in a different way.

After Cynthia had her heart attack. I was there for Michael’s whole family, and Christina. But why? Why do I reach out to people who don’t necessarily care about me? I feel like I just try to love, and love, and give and give, and I never get anything in return most of the time. I feel constantly taken for granted, judged, or misunderstood. I try not to care about things, but after a while of constantly ignoring things, it gets harder and harder not to let it build up inside you.

I was assaulted by my best friends boyfriend, then Michael died two days later, then the funeral, his mom having a heart attack on thanksgiving, taking care of my crippled grandpa... so alone in the world... how it broke my heart to see the way people treated him. My dad having dizzy spells at Disneyland, thinking his cancer came back, being betrayed and lied to by my ex again, confronting my friend about her boyfriend, and losing her too. This back and fourth toxic thing between my last partner, and how randomly it dissolved. I could just feel that he stopped caring. Just like I could feel the one before him stop caring.

Everyone stops caring eventually. But I never do. Why can’t I stop caring about people. I love everyone who has touched my life, even if they burned me really badly. I still love all the people I’ve loved, even if the thought of them causes great pain. I wish I didn’t feel things so deeply. It’s a curse. Being psychic and empathic, being a healer—is a curse. I constantly feel empty and overwhelmed. I feel martyred and badly used, but I allow it. I carry so much darkness and pain from both my and everyone else’s experiences, that I can’t distinguish between what’s mine and others.

Through constantly trying to heal everyone else, I am making myself sick. No one is ever here for me when I need them. I guess that’s not true... people on here have always been a huge support when my scales go tipping this way into bipolar depression. I have friends trying to be here for me, but I think a lot of them have distanced themselves because what I am going through is so heavy it makes them uncomfortable.

I have never felt this lost, alone, and worthless in my entire life. I feel so unloveable. So, so broken. My heart, my soul is just completely shattered. It doesn’t even matter why anymore. I don’t even hate anyone. I’m just so, so fucking sad that there are no words to describe it.

I am thinking about buying a van, and living in it for a while in LA. That way I don’t have to worry about rent, and I can mske it to all my auditions and really live freely, off the grid. Mom says I should start a YouTube channel when I do about my adventures as an actor and a traveling tarot card reader etc. I just worry about my mental health. I am so not a camper, but fuck rent is killing me. I have all these ideas for side hustle, to save up money and get out of here. Go anywhere. I don’t know, but I need a change.

My energy shifts significantly when I think about moving to LA.

I get treated like a lower life form at work sometimes, being around wealthy, privileged people all day. Completely out of touch with reality and how tough life is for the rest of us “bottom feeders” out here.

Trying to memorize my lines, but I’m not a fan of this script and it’s hard to motivate when I am this depressed. I should be grateful that I have speakeasy, I have a good paying job, I have a roof over my head, friends, relatively healthy. I live in a beautiful city. I have family who love me. I have a lot to be grateful for, yet I still feel listless and... like there is no point.