#when people started calling bad the r-slur and autistic and assumed he was stupid as a result

[demodraws0606]

BBH haters hate cc!Bad and spread false info about him because they're ableist, no I will not expand on this thank you very much <3

[forcedsense]

People always get so offended when I tell them that I’m allowed to call myself an idiot/dumb/whatever but theyre not allowed to call me that and then get mad at me if i call them out on it while playing games oe whatever (not abt the rpc this is abt the rl ex friend lol) and im just like;;; we might share autism but heres the thing, I’m allowed to call myself an idiot bc i live with myself. You’re not allowed to insult me because a: its rude, and b: you’re literally calling me an idiot due to my not having a sense of direction and play styles due to my disabilities.

The very fact people STILL dont understand why insulting someone for their disabilities, or flat out saying ‘your lack of attention just proves youre the worse xx player ever!!’ is literally just ableism and offensive is why i have trust issues and am tired of other people. I am allowed to joke about my problems because I have to live with them, and in manyways yes I am just an idiot, like how I was an idiot for not realizing that a grown ass man one month younger than me always relying on me to pay for shit to do w him, guilting me out of things i want to do because he decided it was stupid, insulting half the shit i liked saying it and anyone who enjoys it is stupid, regularly using the R-slur when something dumb is done/happens (ableism aGAIN), refusing to get a license because he ‘doesnt feel like it’, doesnt even try to get a job anymore after a few rejections (which, I’ve applied hundreds of places and never even received a rejection, so im starting to wonder the validity of those statements too) and saying its because his mother wants to force him into one, abusing his siblings by screaming at them and gaslighting them constantly, but I’m the idiot and the asshole because I’m disabled, or I don’t always think first before soing things (which has led to my doing shitty or stupid things, but I have the remarkable capability of admitting when I was wrong unlike these fuckheads who, when you flat out explain in detail what they did wrong, claim youre gaslighting and abusing them when youre telling them its inappropriate and wrong to guilt trip, be ableist, insult others intelligence, and ignoring when people ask you to stop, and all the times he joined my streams and would use my birth name after I asked him not to and to use my pen/alias, always accounting it to ‘forgetting’ but after 30+ times of being told, its no longer forgetting, like thats just putting unnecessary risk and ignoring personal preferences. I won’t even go into all the bitchfits about ‘gender discussion’ or anything because it still makes me sick and gave me severe imposter syndrome for my body dysmorphia.

Respect the disableds wishes, We should not have to explain this to you. Basic human decency should just be a given, and someone telling you in detail why what youre doing is wrong, and ignoring it and repeating it again (I’ve told him before that insulting me, calling me names, and otherwise hurt my feelings and I don’t want to risk any relapses. He ignored these and continued, he’d screencap my making mistakes and putting bad things in the wrong chat, and when I would apologize for what I did when I was wrong, he’d still hold it over my head and claim I suicide baited when I didn’t. I say whats happening and assume its fine since i was always there for him when he needed me, even after he actualy suicide baited me by claiming my using a joke on him he repeatedly used on me made him suicidal and that i owed him an apology, ive literally been walking on eggshells for years and finally not having him in my life has actuallybeen so much more freeing than I ever thought it would be. )

Disabled people are very often the centerfold of abusive relationships because we’re so used to the mistreatment that its almost a fucked up comfort, we feel like our complaining about mistreatment is us ‘overreacting’ because the able bodied constantly convince us it is. That we’re always the problem whether we make mistakes or do something bad and that our apologies are always fake and wrong, but when people do horrible things to us we’re not owed an apology, rather we always owe them. It’s fucked up and wrong, and honestly exhausting. We’re not punching bags to make the able bodied feel better about themselves. Whats fucked up is hes also autistic, and should know better, but is so self possessed that all the friendships hes lost and regained over the years have never been his fault, he was always ‘being abused’ by everyone, everyone somehow is always in love with him and gaslighting him, and ive come to terms with the fact its a mental fuck up of a self centered individual so narcissistic that he cant handle the idea hes ever in the wrong.

If I talkedabout this to people, they would claim I was in the wrong for not worrying about his feeings more or ‘putting up with it because it helps him feel better, he goes through a lot at home’. Being treated shittily doesnt give you a free pass to abuse your supposed friends. His dads a piece of shit and his mom (who honestly was an amazing person as far as I saw and his siblings would talk about. but he personally always claimed she’d turn into a monster randomly for saying he should get a job or try to succeed in life, and for applying for jobs for him that e purposefully failed the interviews for. These are the exact reasons he’d bitch about her, and occasionally because he’d overhear hee claiming he was wasting his life, which is horrible to hear but still does not excuse insulting your friends, belittling their success, insulting them for their disabilities, and going through your friends for supply and then dumping them and ‘accepting them back after they apologize’ whenever you need more validation. My family life is fucked to high heaven and I still try to be kind to people, I still try to educate people, and I still do my best even if I fuck up. And when I fuck up, I own up to it and apologize. Something people always ignore and pretend never happened, because to them the disabled are incapable of apologies.

Stop talking over us, stop treating us like shit, and stop purposefully hurting us, our feelings, insulting us, and using us to make you fee better. We are not punching bags, we are real people with real issues and all your shitty behavior does is add to it.

[madreckdoesrandomstuff]

I absolutely hate my family.

My stepbro (trans male) is always getting into stupid drama that could easily be avoided if they weren't such a drama king & didn't handle drama like how teens do in those TV shows & movies.

My younger stepsis is extremely lazy & won't do her chores, which results in either me or my dad having to do them.

My stepmom plays favorites & is always getting mad over small things. She's over dramatic & always gets angry at my lil enbro (envy + brother = enbro) for stuff her children didn't do. She's always getting into arguments with my dad & she's wrong in most of them. She's always starting arguments with him & whenever he points out something & is right, she just says "I have to go" or "that's not important" when it absolutely is.

My mom & stepdad manipulated me into thinking I had no friends not long before I finished 4th grade & I continue to think that the friends I have aren't real friends because most of them are online friends.

All of my parents invalidate my online friendships since they're all online & that they're all probably just some 40 yr old creeps when my friends have proven that they're around my age range.

I'm constantly belittled & put down by my stepparents, mother, & lil enbro. I'm often called the r slur by my stepfather due to the fact that I'm autistic. I often get yelled at by my stepmom for stuff my stepsiblings didn't do that I did, such as chores. My stepsiblings always gets more privileges than my lil enbro & I do.

All of my parents say that they'll support their children no matter what. Yet my mom & stepdad are still in the "there's only 2 genders & 3 sexualities" mindset because any other sexuality & gender is "too specific". My stepmom & dad are religious & queerphobic & I can hear the queerphobia in my fathers voice each time my lil enbro sees something queer on TikTok around him.

My younger halfbro, who shares the same mother as my enbro & I, often hits & throws stuff at my lil enbro & I. Of course he gets into trouble since my stepdad & mom say that he shouldn't hit girls, yet they excuse it often because he has ADHD.

My stepmom & stepbro often bring so much stress back home because of work & drama at school. My dad is aware of the stress & favoritism & yet he doesn't divorce my stepmom because he loves her, even though they argue almost every single day.

I have trust issues because of the amount of times I've been lied to & manipulated & tricked by family, ex-friends, & strangers. I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly trusting others. I just know that I trust my online friends enough to vent to them about my problems, but it's never enough chz I can never spill my guts out enough. I don't even trust myself.

I've been living with my father since a few days before 5th grade started for me over 6 yrs ago after he won in a court case against my mom & stepdad after he saw them manipulate me into thinking I had no friends.

That's when the trouble began. My grades, mental health, & memory started to decline. Then stuff got better for me in 6th grade with my grades save for some of the bullying I went though in the after school program.

I knew that my grades would never be as great as they were in 6th grade & ever since then I've been expected to be a straight A student.

I've been getting intrusive thoughts since 7th grade as a result of stress & me bottling up my anger because each time I'd try to let it out I'd always get into trouble.

My grades remained the same for years after that. Something that worsened it was the stress & my bladder started to just act on its own from all of it. I ended up urinating myself often at home & never dealing with it because I'd forgotten how to.

When I was in 9th grade, I was forced to start wearing diapers to deal with the urinating problem during Labor Day weekend before quarantine started. I was forced to wear it for 7 months & I'd often get yelled at when I couldn't change my diaper after I urinated because I either didn't have an extra on me or there weren't any available restrooms nearby.

When quarantine started my grades started to improve due to everything being moved online & there being less stress for me to handle.

I was starting to improve. My mental health & grades were improving by the time I started 10th grade. I was even looking forward to 2021, believing that it'd be a great year for me.

Boy, was I wrong. I ended up getting a mental breakdown after getting overwhelmed by an assignment & my grades & mental health started to drop after that. My parents didn't understand why. They assumed that I was being lazy.

They didn't know about my mental health, even though I've tried telling them multiple times. They said they'd get me a therapist, but they never did & always forgot.

It wasn't until after I had that mental breakdown over that assignment when the suicidal thoughts started pouring in. I kept trying to think positive & the intrusive thoughts only intensified. I've been trying to stay positive since towards the end of 4th grade, but I've been struggling.

I've been hiding my emotions for so long that I'm numb to most besides anger & hatred. I continue to get yelled at & belittled by my own family.

I'm not sure much longer I can take it. Whenever someone upsets me, I twitch a bit & think about killing them or maybe even just running away.

Nobody other than my online friends have any ideas on how my mental health is, but even they don't know how bad it is. I don't even know how bad my mental health really is.

I'm too scared to ask for help. Every time I've tried asking for help for whatever I needed/wanted I was either ignored, told that I can do it myself, or that I was smart & mature enough to handle it on my own.

This is all too much for me, a pangender high school junior. I don't even know if I'll make it past 20 yrs old. I've even set up years for myself for when I'd finally end myself.

20 yrs old if life gets too rough for me to handle & I can't take it anymore.

30 yrs old if things are going better than expected & maybe things aren't as bad as before.

40 yrs old is for when I can decide if life is truly worth living or not.

I only haven't ended myself yet because I'd break so many hearts as well as my own for taking away someone I know others care about.

I honestly wonder how things would've been if I'd ask for legal help sooner. Maybe I would've been in a different family. Maybe I would've been happier or taking therapy.

I know my family & school isn't entirely to blame for my mental health since I know I'm playing a role in it as well.

I just feel so trapped. Trapped by expectations & reality & religion & school & family & oh so many things I don't have the will to type.

I just want the pain to stop, but I can't stop it. At least not on my own. I can't face my problems. Not yet. Not when I'm so weak.

I just hope that someday I'll be able to get the help I need & make sure that justice is served to all that have wronged me & any of my online friends.

I'm just holding out for karma by this point.

Until justice is served I will hold out.

I only haven't been driven to suicide or insanity yet because I know that there are people out there that love me & believe in me & care about me & believe that things will improve for me.

I hope the same for all of those who truly wish me well in life.