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song-of-the-world · 7 years

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Tattered Anatomy (When He Smiles)

My feet. Have walked millions of miles in everyone else’s shoes but I still feel like I cannot fathom what they have went through. But everyone else seems to assume they know all of what I have experienced and not taken a single step. Maybe it is because my feet have been walking in shoes that have thin soles, holes in the toes, crooked tongues, and a nail in the heal. Every step of everyday is painful. But I keep running. And pushing. Despite my sore and bloody feet. I will crawl if I have to. Just to see his smile. My legs. Bruised and scarred. They have been hit and battered. The abuse has made them rock solid. The more you kick and shove the stronger they become. Becoming trunks of trees that keep me standing through the icy storm. But every time he looks at me they crumple. They shake and feel as though they have no bones. The rock turns to dust when he smiles at me. My well… Netherlands. Oh Fuck it. My Vagina. Hasn’t been touched in what seems like a thousand years. And I will probably wait a thousand more. It has never been my first priority. And really hasn’t made the line up since that one night in a big house with someone who I will never see again. It is the one object that apparently men have more control over than women do. So maybe if I keep it hidden. Raise a few bats, it will go unnoticed and I won’t have to worry about pre-existing conditions, and whatnot. But when he smiles. Well I guess that is the oxytocin working its magic. My stomach. I felt butterflies. The cramps. The punches. And the emptiness. But mostly it is my keeper of boxes. To my left side is my depression. A huge mass that has been shoved and compressed into a tiny box. A dark aura surrounds it warning myself to not touch it. On the right are my concealed emotions. I keep them hidden so I am not guilty of pushing my emotions on someone else. It is my burden to bare. I do not wish for pity as I keep them locked in the prison. In the center pushing up against my diaphragm is my anxiety. If it opens it restricts my breathing even more and I find myself on the floor hating the way it makes me feel… not feel… I can’t tell the difference because my anxiety comes from my tendency to be controlled. Not control others. But control myself. Hence the boxes. Every box explodes inside me simultaneously and I am afraid that I cannot feel anything but hate to feel everything and anxious that I cannot find balance. But Suppression. It has kept me alive. It has created the mask that makes others happy. It is the mask that he smiles at. My breasts. I have never had the issue of unwanted eyes. At least not that I have noticed. I have never been cat called or whistled at. Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining. But I just don’t understand what all these girls are talking about…? Leave it to me to have the superpower to make double D’s look like A’s. But is it a superpower or a curse. I just wish that he would smile at me that way… My shoulders. Carry the wait of the world. And problems that I don’t intend to be my problems; but they are detrimental to other girls. Clothes do not wrap themselves around my body and hang on my shoulders the way they do on every normal person. I cannot wear that dress as a dress because I don’t feel comfortable showing my nickers to the great wide world of judgment. I can’t wear those shorts because the length of my thighs make them look like Daisy Dukes Cut-Offs. I can’t wear women’s sizes because the stars never align just right to have an XL actually fit me the way an XL should. Thank God I am not in High School anymore because I would get bored of wearing jeans and a t-shirt everyday. But my problems don’t just end at clothes. The problem about being a people pleaser is there is always someone that you can’t please. Yourself. I haven’t gotten what I wanted since… well i guess the last time because I don’t remember anymore. It is especially disheartening when you can’t do enough to get who you want either. Oh to see his smile everyday would be the one thing I could ask for. Arms. I have had a love/hate relationship from the beginning. I want to cover them with the sleeves of tattoos I have planned since my first tattoo. To have them crawl up my arms and hide my insecurities and give me strength and confidence. But how they crave to hold you. They reach for someone to hold but there is never anyone that is there to satisfy their cravings. As much as they wish to have purpose it is a wonder that they haven’t learned to fly. Wouldn’t that be something that he would smile at? My hands. I dress my fingers with rings to distract from the scars. The character that I have forced on my hands. In places they are calloused from hard work, other places they are softer than warmed butter. They tell me that it is empathic; what I feel through my hands. Because if I reached out to caress your face I would feel it on my own. I could trace all of the lines of your body ever so softly with just my fingertips and I would feel every inch of your skin rise in goosebumps. I would stretch my palm against your chest that is hidden behind hair and feel your heartbeat and mine would match yours. But on their own. Without you and your smile. They do not feel. The cuts were done out of numbness. I didn’t do it to feel. It was almost as if that was the most interesting thing that I could do with my hands. They did not feel pain. Just like they did not feel the pain when I burned myself with the eraser of my pencil. Not once was a pressured into torturing my hands. But I never scarred them with any intention either. So they hide amongst rings and nail polish. I am not embarrassed of my scars… but I am afraid they will take away his smile. Head. Brain. Thoughts. I am over there, but still right here. Do you remember that one time you were rejected by that guy? Or that feeling you had last week? Yea that was the worst. Oh but that Corgi video was so cute. But how could people be so selfish? Did you know that you will probably never change this world for the better? Just a reminder, he will never have feelings for you the way you have feelings for him. You don’t deserve it. Oh and to answer your question: yes, your life will always bee this miserable no matter how many cute animal videos you watch. But so you don’t tell me to shut up here is a picture of his smile that you can look at for a while while I brain wash you into thinking you have a chance and then crushing your dreams with the fear of rejection. —- Gah. Well. Yes that basically explains it. MOVING ON! Last. But definitely not least. My heart. My heart has been broken, beaten, drug through the dirt, it is wrapped with vines littered with thorns, don’t you dare expect it to mend so easily. These ribs are not a cage but protection. I have built up walls that are thicker than the walls if the largest vault. They are more impenetrable than the space that divides parallel universes. You will not tear down these walls that encase my heart because I have been burned before. My heart is charred and tainted with the marks of mistreatment and misunderstanding. It has been disregarded and rejected by those who I thought would be there forever. But now it is chipped and fragile like broken china after a hurricane. Not even WWIII would be able to claim the unmarked territory because…

This body has taken more than what any man could do to it. But every once in a while. When he smiles… my heart peeks through a window to admire the sunshine and take a break from the darkness that it has been living in for 12 years.

#heart #love #whenhesmiles #broken #anatomy

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kyloren · 7 years

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Regarding the Finale and the upcoming Season Two

So, I feel like the finale’s purposeful hinting that Jughead’s possible joining of the Southside Serpents might create tension between him and Betty — given that she obviously gives him a concerned look when he puts on the oh, la la~ jacket, which understandably dampens his spirits some, more on that later — is a sort of red-herring.

The same way the pilot queer-baited viewers, the finale is V→A→B→J-love-square-baiting the audience and stirring up drama just to keep us guessing until Season Two premiere.

The finale established Varchie and Bughead as canonical ships, with the former going from semi-dating to actual dating, and the latter being a solid supercarrier (is it? or is it still a dreadnought?). And while sure, both vessels can hit turbulent waters and, hey, Riverdale is an adaptation of Archie comics, so V/A/B tension is expected (although I have an inkling the A/B part of it might be just from Archie’s side) — we have been hit over the head so many times with the Jughead/Betty and Archie/Veronica soulmate parallels that I honestly think that the show-runners intend those two ships to be eventual endgame. Please, please let Bughead be endgame. #CrossingFingers #HopingNoOneJinxedIt.

But back to my original point; it being that I have a few theories regarding the Southside Serpents storyline. One of which is that Jughead will eventually accept being a Serpent — hopefully with Betty’s support, but maybe without — in order to uncover the truth about the drug-ring in Riverdale and clear the Serpents of the allegations. He and Betty are too much of Intrepid Reporters to let that one go. Plus, Betty’s speech to her mother and then later to the town hinted she will take the truth by its dirty underpants and drag it into the light.

Maybe he won’t even join them in any official capacity, and his putting on the jacket was just the show-runners teasing the audience, but it was a very clear symbolic gesture that his allegiance is now with the Serpents and the Southside, and he will take their side over that of the people of the…err, I guess the Northside…? (Southside is still part of Riverdale, right? Does the better off side of town have a name?)

Somehow I feel like Betty will join him on the whole support the Southside…side. *face-palms* being real eloquent here. But as much as I would want a serpent!Bughead with Betty going all ‘Full Dark, No Stars’ on everyone’s asses, I am fairly sure Jughead will ultimately return to Riverdale High after an indeterminate amount of time at Southside High. As much as the Southside accepts him, Betty was right in saying he is Riverdale and he will return to where he is needed soon enough.

Plus, from a meta point of view, it is clear the entire core four is having some sort of Coming of Age storyline with Betty becoming a more confident person who stands up for what she believes in, Jughead coming to terms with his insecurities and finding both a place and the people he belongs with, Archie’s whole find-yourself arc, and Veronica unlocking a well-rounded-person achievement and becoming better, just as she promised to herself to do. So, Jughead’s season two storyline will obviously bring him back to Riverdale High.

All in all, the show-runners are trying for Romeo&Julet, Westside Story vibe for Bughead in the finale, but ultimately I think it is Varchie that will play out the star-crossed lovers theme in Riverdale, given the blatant allusions to the Hiram Lodge-Fred Andrews antagonism, while Bughead will have a more Neutral Good take on the Bonnie&Clyde-esque Battle Couple of Justice and Truth.

If it wasn’t blatantly obvious already, I could probably gush about Bughead moments in Sweet Hereafter for another 3k words, but I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. Though I will say this: hand-holding while running through the forest is a pretty underestimated romantic gesture. And now, I’ll try to reign in the Yes, that is my OTP! vibes.

Tangential observation, but I think the reason why Jughead was #WhenHeSmiles over the jacket was because it was concrete proof, along with the whole biker-gang spreading out at his doorstep, that what FP told him — “Serpents take care of their own” — wasn’t just him wishing on a star and stubbornly holding out on the law, but actually adhering to a code. So, Jughead got validation that his father wasn’t just being a stubborn moron and screwing himself over by not taking the deal, but was “sticking by his own”.

Side-bar: Who else teared up a bit when FP told Jughead in a roundabout way that he was proud of him; please, raise a hand?

Also, I think that Archie and Cheryl might not have a romance arc, as much as a substitute-sibling arc where a lot of Cheryl’s unresolved feelings regarding Jason will be projected onto Archie, who actually is a legit good person and probably is the best choice to be their recipient. I just really want those two to bond, okay?

In the same line of thought: Poor Cheryl. She needs a hug and some decent friends because her face in that scene where she was talking to Jughead and Veronica was about to ask her if she was okay, but was interrupted by Archie (or was it Kevin?) who ran there to tell them about Betty’s locker, well, it was just heartbreaking. Seriously #GiveCherylAHug2k17.

I’m fairly sure that Hiram is behind Fred’s shooting. That’s the reason why Hermione was so keen on buying him out; she was trying to protect her friend-slash-ex-lover from her husband, who, need I remind you, had already used violent underhanded tactics against Fred before.

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if Hiram is involved in the drug trafficking and Clifford landing him in jail was his attempt at cutting Hiram out of it. But it might be just me. I tend to assume Hiram has his fingers in all the pies. All of them.

P.S. Can we go back to Jason, pls? In one of the first episodes Archie said Seventeen-years-old and how he will be remembered?, and when you look at Jason in hindsight, that line can’t help but break my heart.

Although I tend to think of Jason as a Base Breaking Character given how much of his characteristics are expositioned via other people’s subjective opinions of him, so he is very much subjected to Alternative Character Interpretation, he turned out to be a pretty solid kid. I mean, I used to think Cheryl was just waxing poetic about her bro-bro, viewing him through rose-coloured glasses and all that, a point that seemed to have been confirmed in episode 3 with the score-book, but…maybe he wasn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing like I assumed.

The kid got his girlfriend pregnant, wanted to do the right thing by her, loved her enough to defy his family (Fridge Logic moment, but if Jason and Polly’s babies are ultra-super-Blossom, something Mama Blossom was totes okay with, then why didn’t the Blossoms want him to date Polly? I get why Coopers didn’t want that. Hal is anti-incest and Alice is very anti-Blossom, but C&P are very cool-with-casual-incest parents, so Jason dating Polly wouldn’t have been that horrible a thought for them to swallow.), and started being a drug mule in order to get the funds for them to run away. Which, I guess, was how he figured out Clifford’s involvement with the drug trafficking. Maybe he wanted to do something about that, too; he did have drugs stashed in his getaway car. Jason wasn’t the most upstanding citizen, but he tried to do good and was killed for it. …just…poor kid.

P.P.S. Also, slight confusion over here at my end. Let me get this straight. Jason got drugs A from the Serpents to move them somewhere. Since FP claims they don’t deal with hard stuff, drugs A might be marijuana or something. Somehow Jason found out that Blossoms traffic drugs B, which might be cocaine or something equally hardcore. The same drugs he had stashed in his getaway car. But since the show insists on calling all drugs just ‘the drugs’ and using virtually identical packages in their footage, I am still not sure if drugs A≠drugs B. Give me evidence, I beg you.

Rant over? Rant over.

#bughead #riverdale meta #riverdale headcanon #riverdale spoilers #riverdale theories #character: archie andrews #character: betty cooper #character: jughead jones #character: veronica lodge #pairing: jughead x betty #pairing: archie x veronica #otp: bathed in sunlight; drenched in shadows #tv: riverdale #mila.txt #this tag is meta #♔: victrix #*

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