#which deep down shams can understand is not entirely his fault

[adamanteine]

many thoughts about shams being able to sympathize with her mother but still being angry at her father (and having this one part of her that isn't able to forgive him) despite the fact that she is much closer to her father

[silence-the-barking-monk]

“Instead of resisting changes, surrender. Let life be with you, not against you. If you think ‘My life will be upside down don’t worry. How do you know down is not better than upside?”

“A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, eastern or western…divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels and no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! The universe turns differently when fire loves water.”

“The universe is a completely unique entity. Everything and everyone is bound together with some invisible strings. Do not break anyone’s heart; do not look down on those weaker than you. One’s sorrow on the other side of the world can make the entire world suffer; one’s happiness can make the entire world smile.”

“Don’t search for heaven and hell in the future. Both are now present. Whenever we manage to love without expectations, calculations, or negotiations, we are indeed in heaven. Whenever we fight or hate, we are in hell.”

“A good man complains of no one; he does not look to faults.”

“This world is like a mountain.

Your echo depends on you.

If you scream good things,

the world will give them back.

If you scream bad things,

the world will give them back.

Even if someone says badly about you,

speak well about him.

Change your heart to change the world.”

“Most conflicts and tensions are due to language. Don’t pay so much attention to the words. In love’s country, language doesn’t have its place. Love’s mute.”

“Don’t judge the way other people connect to God; to each his own way and his own prayer.

God does not take us at our word. He looks deep into our hearts. It is not the ceremonies or rituals that make a difference, but whether our hearts are sufficiently pure or not.”

“The summary of the advice of all prophets is this;

Find yourself a mirror.”

“The whole universe is summed up in the Human Being.

Devil is not a monster waiting to trap us, He is a voice inside.

Look for Your Devil in Yourself, not in Others.

Don’t forget that the one who knows his Devil, knows his God.”

“It is pointless trying to know where the way leads. Think only about your first step, the rest will come.”

“Every breath is a chance to be reborn spiritually. But to be reborn into a new life, you have to die before dying.”

“The real dirt is not outside,

but inside, in our hearts.

We can wash all stains with water.

The only one we can’t remove is the grudge and the bad intentions sticking to our hearts.”

“Surrendering is not a weakness. On the contrary, it is strength. The surrender stops living in boiling water and starts living in a secure place.”

“When everyone is trying to be something, be nothing. Range with emptiness. Humans should be like a pot. As the pot is held by its emptiness inside, the human is held by the awareness of his nothingness.”

*** Shams Tabrizi was also known as Shams Al-Din Mohammad and He was the spiritual instructor of Rumi. Shams have been referenced with great reverence in Rumi’s poetic collection, Diwan-I-Tabrizi (The Works of Shams of Tabriz).

On 15 November 1244, Shams visited a famous Inn of sugar merchants in Konya and told everyone he was a traveling merchant. Over there he came across Rumi reading next to a large stack of books. Shams Tabriz, passing by, asked him, “what are you doing”. Rumi scoffingly replied, “something you will not be able to understand” This is the knowledge that cannot be understood by the unlearned.

On hearing this Shams threw the stack of books into a nearby pool of water. Rumi hastily rescued the books and to his surprise, they were all dry.

Rumi asked Shams, “what is this?” To which Shams replied, “Mowlana, this is what you cannot understand — This is the knowledge that cannot be understood by the learned.

From then on Rumi became Shams’s student for a period of forty days before moving to Damascus.

[novantinuum]

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: General Audiences

Words: 4.6K~

Summary: In another world, he doesn’t have his mother’s sword or shield to hide behind when Bismuth lands her strike. The bubble pops.

Steven falls apart.

Chapter summary: In which Greg receives some answers, Bismuth faces her consequences, and Steven really needs to go to bed.

First | Last chapter

While I’m cross posting all of these to tumblr, I’d love to have your support over on AO3 too! Plus, it’s easier to subscribe there. A win-win, I’d say. Excitingly, this is the longest chapter yet.

Chapter 5: Onward

“So… hold on,” Greg says slowly, raising his hand to cut off the others’ incessant yammering. “Just lemme- let me take a moment to see if I can properly wrap my head around everything. So you’re saying that—“

He turns on the one they identified as Bismuth, pointing at her with such ferocity that his finger might as well be a— what did they call it again? Oh, yes!— a ‘breaking point’ itself.

“—that she tried to kill my son by smashing his gem?”

“Mmmhmm,” Garnet nods.

As usual her eyes are entirely hidden behind her opaque visor, something that always made getting to know the Gem particularly daunting in those early days, but by now he’s close enough to infer her full disposition from her body language and tone alone. And as far as he can tell from the clipped words and stiff movements, she’s pissed. The full brunt of her anger is thankfully restrained… he imagines for Steven’s sake. He hugs his son closer, the boy currently nestled against his midsection and sitting on the fountain’s rim. Garnet sits on his other side, with Amethyst next to Steven. Pearl, meanwhile, kneels on the ground holding a surprisingly deep-cut gemstone in her lap, the very gemstone that by all rights should be embedded in his son’s navel but currently isn’t. He frowns and tugs at his hair (a bad habit of his, over the decades), finding his thoughts growing more and more fragmented over this by the second.

“But she only tried to kill him because she thought he was Rose… who bubbled her thousands of years ago because she wanted her to shatter Pink Diamond. But then Rose actually was Pink Diamond… all along? And somehow fake shattered herself?”

“Yup, that’s pretty much it,” Steven says with a faint laugh, no amount of falsified cheer able to conceal the conflict brewing within him. Greg watches him clutch at the bottom hem of his shirt, and his heart nearly shatters right there on its own. His boy’s grown worryingly savvy as of late, plastering on a brave face whenever he thinks the others can’t handle the full burden of a child’s stress. He probably assumes he’s getting away with it, too. His mistake. One of the many things fathers grow attuned to over the years is the habits and facial tics of their children. All that said, if this is troubling for him, he can’t begin to imagine how traumatic and confusing this upheaval is for Steven.

God, and he’s only fourteen! He shouldn’t have to deal with any of Rose’s war fallout.

“And then,” Greg continues, gesturing between his son and the pink gem Pearl holds, “before she could actually kill him he split in two?”

“It was almost like he abruptly unfused,” Bismuth supplies, maintaining a healthy distance from the rest of the group.

“But it didn’t feel like fusion at all,” Steven says, and shudders. “It hurt, it hurt really bad.”

“He was unconscious for at least a minute. The half with the gem, the pink one, started screaming and tried to fight me away from him but I knew I had to get him off the forge’s surface so he didn’t burn.” The rainbow haired Gem hangs her head in shame. “I was so worried he wouldn’t wake up ‘coz of me.”

“Yeah, sure ya’ were,” Amethyst spits, and crosses her arms.

Pearl’s eyes narrow with a precise intensity. “Amethyst, please. Not now.”

Contrary to whatever assumptions on her he held before, Bismuth shows no inclination to argue in any vain hope of saving face. Instead she stands stiff before the group, appearing just as haunted by the consequences of her actions as Steven is. While the back-and-forth between her and the Crystal Gems continues, her fingers twitch, desperately yearning for something to tinker with. As someone who frequently seeks out the reliable comfort of strumming improvised chords on his guitar in times of stress, he can relate. Of course, far be it for him to excuse this new Gem’s actions when they almost cost him his only son, but at least she has the decency to express remorse over it. He’s furious at her, he truly is, and yet… He also can’t help but feel a twinge of pity lighten his heart upon hearing her side of the story. Huh, funny. Normally he’s more apt to harbor a stone cold grudge over this sort of stuff. He blames his kid’s influence.

“I was angry at Rose, not Steven,” Bismuth says as he tunes back in to the conversation. “I was so sure that this was all just another one of her lies that I— well, you all know. But when I saw what I’d done…. When they split apart and he fell to the ground, I—!”

Her voice cracks, and he watches her nearly crumble like chalk.

“I- I made a terrible mistake, and I’m genuinely sorry,” she finishes.

“‘Kay, so you’re super sorry and promise never to hurt him again, we get it,” Amethyst says, blunt sarcasm oozing from her words. “But seriously, is no one gonna address the ginormous cluster hangin’ over our heads? Y’guys! New headline! We just found out Rose was a total sham!”

Steven holds up a finger as he interjects. “Actually, we don’t know anything except that she was apparently Pink Diamond, but…”

“Yeah, and Pink D’s like, the bad guy, Steven! She’s the reason they had to fight this whole stupid war in the first place! And then, what? She creates you just so she doesn’t have to deal with the fact she’s a liar?”

The young teen shrinks away from her anger, a lump forming in his throat. Greg’s jaw clenches. His hand tightens around his son’s midsection.

“None of this is Steven’s fault,” Garnet says quietly, firmly placing her sapphire laden hand on the purple Gem’s shoulder to quiet her down. She shrugs away at her touch, lips jutting into a pout.

“Or any of yours’," Pearl says.

Greg’s eyes lock on the slender Gem at her abrupt comment, and he watches with apt attention as her thumb glides across the largest facet of the diamond in her lap. Hearing her voice comes as a surprise, as she’s been unusually absent from this conversation thus far. It seems none of the others want to talk about it in depth right now, but apparently she’s forbidden from mentioning anything about Pink Diamond. It’s yet another betrayal, yet another reason why the sight of the rose blossoms growing wild around them and the delicately carved curly-haired statue at the fountain’s center leaves him with uncertainty gnawing at the pit of his stomach.

And yet… and yet.

What if he’s being a hypocrite about all of this? It’s not like he told Rose everything about his past, either. Rose was a diamond, sure, but— he’s a DeMayo. There’s a number of dark days attached to that name he’d rather let die in the past too. Are they really entitled to the full narrative of the life she left behind? Is anyone?

He scratches at his scalp. “Listen, Amethyst. I understand all of you are upset, and rightfully so. I can’t exactly say I’m thrilled to hear all of this either. But the bottom line is… I know the woman I loved. Maybe not for long, but I grew to know her in ways far more intimate than even some of you. And if there’s one thing I can say for absolute certainty, it’s that… despite her mistakes, despite everything else she probably lied about, her love and respect for all of you was not a sham.”

Pearl nods. “I almost can’t believe I’m agreeing with Greg of all people, but he’s right.”

“And you’re entitled to believe that,” Garnet says evenly. “But no matter what we believe, I still think it’s wise to try not to make assumptions about her in the first place. Either good, or bad. At this point, what we know is what we know, and I can’t see any easy way of changing that in the near future.”

“So, what are we supposed to do about all this now?” Amethyst asks, all her earlier anger dissipated in her exhaustion.

She considers this for a second, visor glinting in the glow of sunrise.

“Nothing.”

“What?”

The fusion doesn’t budge an inch. “We don’t change our tactics.”

“But- but if she was our leader, and we always just blindly followed what she wanted, then—“

“No matter her original intentions, the Crystal Gems, as a movement, is far bigger than one diamond,” she says. “We move onward. We thrive. Never mind Rose.”

Steven squirms in his embrace, and in a small, timid voice— a jarring reminder of the child he still is despite his recent leap in emotional maturity— asks the question he’s sure has been weighing on him ever since he got split apart in the first place.

“What about me, and my—“ he tries and fails to stifle a yawn— “my gem? What am I supposed to do now?”

“We’ll deal with your Gem half when he reforms, and he will,” Garnet says gently. “But right now, you need your rest. We all do. Pearl, Amethyst, help him to the temple and get him tucked into bed. Bismuth, Greg. I need to speak to both of you.”

Everyone nods at the Crystal Gem leader’s directions, and they all act accordingly. His eyes drooping just as much as his son’s despite the pink tinted skies and chirping meadowlarks, Greg helps him stand to his feet. Steven’s knees still quiver but thankfully this time he doesn’t crumple. Pearl loops one of her arms through his, still holding his gem in her opposing hand, and together they begin to plod towards the warp pad they arrived earlier. Amethyst follows them but notably lags behind, guilt written across her face clear as day. She delivers one final glance at Bismuth, razor sharp and flaring with hurt, and then disappears in the orchard’s shadow.

A palpable silence brews between the two remaining Gems then, uncomfortable enough that he’s almost left with sweat beading on his brow just watching them. Eventually doing so becomes too stressful, and he moves to retrieve the downy comforter that’s long since been forgotten on the stone midway to the fountain. He folds the bedding as compact as he can, and drapes it over his non dominant arm, distantly acknowledging that it’ll have to go in the wash. He wishes he could’ve gone home with Steven too. What does she need a human like him for right now, anyways? He’s no fighter, or mediator. The cool grey one blows a nervous puff of air from between her lips and wraps her hands around a few strands of her rainbow dreads. Garnet‘s expression twists into a frown. Stepping towards her, she crosses her arms.

“Bismuth…”

“If you’re going to bubble me away again, just say it,” she blurts out, hanging her head in resignation.

Ever so subtly, Garnet tilts her head as if caught off guard by the visceral hurt pooling in the other Gem's words. In any case, her tone remains steady.

“We’re not bubbling you.”

“What? You’re—?”

“It was avoidable miscommunication that led to that the first time. I won’t let that happen again, especially not to a friend. However,” she says, holding up a finger before the other Gem can interject, “as consequence for striking a fellow Crystal Gem in cold blood, until further notice you are no longer welcome in the temple. You will not seek us out. You will in no circumstance find yourself alone with Steven. If we require your help and you are willing, we’ll call for it. But for now, until we’re ready to begin to forgive, you’re on your own.”

Bismuth’s gaze turns up towards her once more, sober in silent acceptance. She blinks rapidly to stave away the tears, and her lips press together tight. Greg’s unsure if the emotion she’s desperately barring away is remorse about her exile or shell shocked relief that she won’t be bubbled away for another five millennia.

“I encourage you to explore this planet as you reflect upon your actions,” Garnet continues. “I think you’ll find a lot has changed since the rebellion… and I think that with time, so can we all.”

“Am I relieved now?” she asks, voice thick and wavering.

She regards her with a long, searching look as she deliberates. “Yes. You may go.”

At first Bismuth spins on her heels, making to leave, but apparently something else stirs on her soul because she pauses. Taking a deep breath, she whirls back around to face the fusion.

“I know this probably doesn’t count for much after all that happened, but. I truly am sorry, for everything.” She turns to regard him directly, her gaze piercing but sincere. ���Tell Steven that I hope he can forgive me one day.” And, to the other Gem: “And tell Pearl I’m sorry for what she had to go through, with Pink.”

“I will.”

“Take care of them, would you? Yourself, too.”

Garnet nods. Perhaps as a final sign of goodwill between old war comrades, she offers her hand. The way she does leaves the sapphire on her palm fully exposed. Greg bets it’s a powerful and evocative gesture to a Gem who is being punished for almost shattering another. It’s a salve, an acknowledgement that you can become better, and I trust that you already are.

Bismuth links her broad fingers between hers, and exhales shakily. “Goodbye, old friend. I hope I’ll see you again one day. And hey, if any of you ever… bismuth me,” she jokes with a weak laugh, “you know where I’ll be.”

She gives her hand a gentle squeeze, and then breaks away. Her eyes can’t quite meet theirs.

“Go in peace,” Garnet says.

Greg and her watch in quiet respect as the rainbow haired Gem turns on a dime and departs from them, leaving both the fountain and the ranks of the Crystal Gems behind as she fades beyond the shadow of the grove. They wait. Not too long after, a bar of pure cyan light shoots to the sky, accompanied by that resonant bell like tone he’s long associated with the warp pads. At the sound some of the tension in his companion’s form finally eases. She reaches to wipe under her visor. Geeze, tonight’s really been a high emotion day for her as well, huh? First she’s reunited with an old friend she hasn’t seen face to face in millennia, and then later that evening she’s met with the terrifying threat of Steven’s mortality…wherein she learns that this same old friend is the reason he’s cleaved apart and cracked to begin with. And then there’s all of Rose’s lies, which— as much as he loved her— he’s sure he’ll also have to wrestle with in the coming season.

She sighs, and turns to him.

“And as for you...”

He scratches at his scalp. “Heh heh, am I in trouble too?”

She chuckles briefly, lips turning up in a soft smile. “No, of course not. The truth is, I need your help. I can’t always… be here, to look after Steven.”

His brow creases. Such oddly specific words from such an articulate person. ‘Be here?’ What does she mean, that she’s leaving the other Gems? That she’s going on some extended mission? And why now, of all times?

“What do you mean?”

“My future vision is clouded, incomplete, but I can sense we’re approaching a crossroads.” She lays both gems on his shoulders, and suddenly her visor flashes away, her three eyes intensely pouring into his, searching, beseeching. It’s the single most vulnerable expression he’s ever seen her convey.

“Greg. He trusts you with matters he doesn’t always trust us with. I know you’ve mostly kept your distance from Gem activities up to this point, but the time is coming when you won’t be able to separate these worlds anymore. I need you to keep a close watch on him. For me. Promise me you’ll do that.”

“O- of course,” he says, mind nervously whirring with an infinitude of uncertain futures based on this new information, and oh golly, does this even lay a finger to what she experiences every moment of every day? “But if you don’t mind me asking, what’s coming? What crossroads?”

“I don’t know,” she admits, her gaze falling wayward. “I can barely see the shape of our future anymore, only faint impressions. And… and that terrifies me. So much has changed so quickly.”

She’s nearly quivering, eyes blown wide, and Greg only now realizes the degree to which he took her unyielding strength for granted all this time. He rocks back and forth on the balls of his bare feet, reaching for an answer on what to do, what to say to support a person who until now, has never been in need of that support.

“Are… you handling things okay?”

Garnet clamps her lips together, taking a moment to ground herself once more. Then with a intentional flick of her fingers, her visor shimmers back into place.

“No,” she says evenly. “No, I’m afraid I’m not.”

He exhales with a prolonged, meandering sigh when the two of them finally reach the temple, solid crystal phasing into existence under his feet in a bright flash of cyan. Despite how long he’s known the Gems, a trip through the warp stream is a rarity for him. In the beginning that was mostly Pearl’s doing— with her staunch refusal of allowing humans anywhere near Gem structures vocal enough to convince Rose to leave him behind. Thankfully Pearl began to tolerate him enough in the later years of the relationship that she lifted the ban. After that he and Rose would occasionally steal away on dates in exotic locations only accessible by warp pad, and while he has many fond memories of his time with her in these breathtaking places he must admit he’s never been a big fan of this form of travel in the first place. He’s not keen on flying for similar reasons— it’s simply too disorientating. What can he say, he’s a wheels to the ground sort of guy.

He carefully steps down from the raised platform. In the loft, bundled under fresh bedding, Steven stirs awake and lifts his head upon hearing their arrival. Dark bags emphasize his puffy, reddened eyes. Greg’s heart seizes at the realization that he’s been crying all on his own, when no one can see him, in the dark.

“Dad, Garnet!” he whispers, forcing a weak grin. “You’re back!”

He tosses the dirty comforter on the floor next to the warp pad, and bounds across the room to him as fast as his weary joints possibly can.

“Hey, buddy,” he says, climbing up the stairs to the loft. He plops himself down at the foot of the mattress. “You all cozy now?”

His son snuggles even deeper under the sheets, clutching one of his stuffed bears to his chest. “Yup, all tucked in.”

“Good, good. I, uh- I’m really glad you’re okay.”

And at these words, exhaustion weighs Steven down like a twenty pound barbell, shattering his brave facade. He visibly deflates, his eyelids drooping.

“Yeah,” he sighs, blankly staring off into the distance.

Upon following the path of his glance, however, Greg realizes that he’s actually not staring at nothing. He’s watching Garnet first and foremost, who’s leaning against the fridge, but more importantly… Sitting smack dab in the middle of the kitchen counter is his inert gemstone, nestled within the cottony folds of a bath towel. Of course. He needn't a second guess of what has him so glum. He leans in to embrace him and Steven immediately reciprocates, flinging his arms around his neck so tight that given the option of comforting his kid or constant, steady airflow he’d choose to forgo the breathing every time.

“Can you sleep here tonight?” he asks, voice brimming with a vulnerability he hasn’t heard from him for a few years.

“Of course. I’ll never say no to a good couch, heh heh.”

“No, I mean— with me, up here. Please. I really, really don’t wanna be alone right now.”

His son pulls away, and peers at him with the most doleful, starry eyes one could muster. He can’t help but chuckle.

“You do know you ain’t gotta pull out the puppy dog eyes on me, right?”

“Yeah, but was it working?”

“All right,” Garnet interrupts, leisurely making her way up the steps to the loft. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

He nods in full agreement. It’s super late, and the kid desperately needs some rest after all the trauma of this evening. Working together, parent and guardian, they help tuck him back, snug and secure. Heeding to Steven’s request, he crawls under the covers as well, leaning against the far wall. Distantly, he notes that he left his van unlocked when Amethyst whisked him away to the fountain, but by this point he’s too comfortable here on this mattress to dream of making the trek across town to fix that. He’ll just have to trust it’ll be fine. Beach City is a small, secluded place, after all. Most residents barely lock their doors at night.

“Garnet, am I even able to fuse with my gem again?” Steven asks meekly, before she can turn to leave them to rest.

She pauses, balling her fist against her mouth as she considers.

“I can’t see everything, but I do know you’ll be alright,” she promises, and reaches down to brush through his dark curls. Delicately, she presses a kiss to his forehead. Steven’s eyes light up instantly. This time, he grins for real.

“Wow, homemade waffles? And we’re all sharing them as a family! Well, except Pearl, of course. But she’s still there with us.”

“That’s right. It’s together breakfast.”

The tension wound through Greg's spine eases at hope’s return to the atmosphere of this household. With a relieved smile, he rubs his hands together. “Guess I’m breaking out the ol’ waffle iron tomorrow, then!”

Steven throws his arms around the taller Gem. “Thank you,” he says, clinging tight. “I really needed that. Can you… maybe stay out here with us too?”

The puppy dog eyes return in force. Any weaker individual (himself included) would surely be powerless to resist this maelstrom of pure Universe charm, but Garnet’s no brittle Gem. From what little she confided to him back at the fountain, he bets she's in want of some alone time right now. True to his predictions, she smiles apologetically.

“I wish I could, but I have some delicate matters that need to be attended to in the temple.”

“Awwwww, man!”

“But I’ll see you at breakfast,” she adds before his burgeoning pout can fully reach his eyes.

This promise seems to placate the boy enough for him to relax into his pillow. His eyes droop as he watches Garnet amble down the stairs. He’s not the only one— Greg’s own eyes are beginning to ache from sheer exhaustion as well. A sudden spike of jealousy overtakes him, upon remembering how the rest of the Gems don’t get tired, and don’t require sleep. If only, if only. Oh boy, tomorrow’s going to be rough, isn’t it? It’s what… at least one in the morning by now? Squinting, he cranes his neck to catch a glimpse of Steven’s alarm clock.

It’s twelve forty-six. Close enough. With any luck he’ll drift off to sleep within the next fifteen or so minutes.

“I love you,” Garnet says from downstairs, directed at Steven. She shapes her fingers into a heart. His lips curve into a smile as he watches this. While he’s never doubted the depth of her affection for him, she isn't often this transparent about it. Perhaps she thought his son could use the reminder in the wake of a terrifying near-death experience.

“Love you too,” Steven chimes. “Goodnight!”

With that, the Gem retreats across the room to the temple door. She holds her palms up to the star insignia. The matching gems light up, glowing a vibrant blue and red, and the magical doorway slides open— almost as if dissolving from the middle— to reveal the private chamber held within. She steps forward and disappears into the bowels of the temple, leaving the two Universe boys bundled under the covers in an uneasy silence. Steven sighs under his breath. Greg can tell without looking at him that something is gnawing away at his son's heart, bubbling up within him like soda fizz.

“Dad?" he eventually asks, flopping onto his side to face him. "Where’s Bismuth? Did she leave from the fountain?”

Yup, there it is. He feared this was coming.

“She’s—“ he pauses, trying to determine how best to phrase this— “Garnet had a discussion with her. She’s not welcome here in the temple until further notice. As punishment.”

Understanding dawns on his face. “Ohhh, so she basically reverse grounded her."

“Exiled, yes.”

“Huh." Steven hugs his plush bear in the crook of his arm even tighter, and stares up at the ceiling beams with a concerningly numb expression. "Well... I guess that’s fair.”

Greg frowns.

“What’s eatin’ you up there, bud?”

“It’s just…" He tussles at the top hem of the sheets, his knuckles turning white. "Even though she tried to shatter me, and that was terrifying and all... I could tell she felt really guilty about it right after. And besides that, she was actually super kind. I hope she’ll be alright on her own.”

“You’re the one who’s super kind,” he says with a soft smile, and reaches out to ruffle his son’s hair. Steven playfully bats his hands away, cheeks flushing at the compliment. “Not everyone your age would ever stop to think about the people who harmed them in that way. Heck, not many adults would, either. I’m not sure I could.”

"But I've also been thinking... Peridot and Lapis tried to kill us when we first met them, too. And now we’re all friends, and it’s fine, right?"

Greg considers this, stroking at his beard. As much as Steven defends their oft-erratic behavior, he's not sure he personally considers those the ex-Homeworld Gems who are bunking in his family's old barn friends yet. The first time he met Lapis, she attempted to steal the ocean and broke his leg. And as for Peridot, she once pushed him off a roof with next to no warning. (God, he would've broken his leg again if it weren't for Garnet's future vision, huh?) But despite his current opinions on them, it's true that they both have a amicable rapport going with Steven (and for the most part, the rest of the Gems) these days. They've made an effort to learn, to grow with the lush Earth around them. Against the very unmovable nature of their kind, they've succeeded in the impossible. They've changed.

"So what if we’re being a little too hard on her?" Steven continues, eyes glistening. "What if it pushes her away forever?”

“Mmm. I understand where you’re coming from, but she didn’t just try to kill you. She almost succeeded. Sometimes there’s such a thing as being too compassionate, you know?” He chuckles, and props himself up on his elbow. “Heh. You really are like your mother, in that way. Y’see, once she told me about the first time she came across a pigeon, and apparently she—“

“Can we please not talk about her right now?” he interrupts, his voice strained.

“S-sure thing,” Greg stutters, mentally smacking himself for not considering the stress the topic of Rose has become for his son before he foolishly ran his mouth. “Sorry, I didn’t think.“

Closing his eyes, Steven snuggles closer to him, scooting under the covers into his arms. “It’s okay,” he whispers, and yawns. “We’re okay.”

Notes:

-Amethyst reacts with more vocalized anger to the Pink Diamond bomb here because she has not yet crossed an integral moment of identity building character development- re: Beta/Earthlings. In canon, she tells Steven after A Single Pale Rose that none of the PD/rebellion stuff should even be their problem, and she’s absolutely right, but here I imagine she’s still at the point where she’s internally making it her problem when it doesn’t need to be. So she lashes out. Wrongfully.

-Meanwhile, Steven’s Gem self hasn’t reformed yet because he was only just healed from being cracked. I figure that takes a lot outta a Gem. He’ll need a bit more time before he’s ready.

__

Finally, when it comes to the long term plot, I’m very excited to say that I now have this one fully planned out. It’s gonna be a sort of alternate s4, with some original “episodes” and an arc forming the framework of the story. Should be fun. But anyways, your readership and support is so appreciated! From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[thelifeoftuan]

Wellness

This has been a huge topic in the medical professional lately... or at least I’ve become more attuned to it these days. I think it might have been because of the unfortunate consequence of me becoming chief resident of my program, because ever since then, I’ve felt like my ears have perked up to all of the goings-on about resident wellness. I read an article recently about the state of resident wellness and how much it has become quite the hot button issue in residencies these days. I’m not exactly sure if it has always been an issue or if the conversation has suddenly just gotten really intense... or if it’s really just my own individual program... but I thought that I’d delve a little deeper and maybe offer up some additional thoughts and opinions. Unsolicited of course. But what opinion really comes solicited these days anyway. If you’re interested in reading the article I mentioned (mind you, it was relayed to me by a colleague who I currently hold in contempt and written by someone who is not a resident, which isn’t to say that the article and its contents are invalid at all because it is very well written and really is 100% the truth from someone with a different perspective and who is not a resident), here it is: http://in-housestaff.org/resident-wellness-is-a-lie-part-1-1319. I jumped into residency--no, medical school... actually, no, LIFE--knowing that it was not going to be an easy ride for me. I knew it from the very beginning, even when I was that little sixth grader who decided he wanted to become a pediatrician. I was literally told by my primary care physician as a teenager that I was setting myself up for a tough life and that I should really consider something else. I knew that the path that I had chosen for myself was not going to be a pretty one and it was not going to be one that I would waltz through with ease. I am simple. And to that effect, a simpleton. I struggled through college. And through med school. And for that matter, through residency. Life was not easy for me. Or kind. But it definitely was not cruel. I guess there was a difference. I did at points felt like I was dealt a less than stellar hand... but I worked with what I got. Because I have interacted with people who, when they are not dealt the cards they want, fling it into the air, hoot and holler, and make a stupid ass scene about it until they get what they want. Me? That’s not how I’m wired. Chalk it up to perseverance or resilience or just plain stupidity... but I tried my damnedest and put above 100% of my effort into my endeavors no matter how badly I felt my luck had become. A lot of the times, things did not work out in my favor. And when things did, I always felt like there was still so much more that I needed to accomplish that I simply moved forward. I know what it’s like as a student and as a resident to work those 30-hour shifts, to be degraded and talked down to, to be made to feel like you are inadequate and not worthy of the profession, to be ridiculed and chastised... and even as a resident, as a physician in the field I had worked so hard to become a part of, I am still considered an amateur, not completely worthy, and incompetent at times. I know what it’s like to be completely exhausted, to have to put your entire life further beyond the back burner because you’ve already set so many other things stacked on top of one another on that back burner because of your job. I know what it’s like to have relationships burn up in flames and blow up in your face, to lose friendships, to become distant from your family, to have a fallout with your loved ones because you simply just did not have the time, energy, or patience to explain yourself to them about why you felt the way you did because you were just too tired. I get all of that. I know what burnout feels like because I am charred to the bone because of it. And because of all of that, I am not well. Yes, resident wellness is a sham. It is in fact a lie. Some mystical beast conjured up by the powers that be to make these foot soldier believe, even perhaps for just a second, that it is something remotely achievable. It is some term coined up by disillusioned higher-ups who haven’t the slightest comprehension of what wellness entails these days. It’s really just a check box for them, a measure of compliance to standards set forth by yet more people who are out-of-touch with the realities of medicine and residency in the modern age. I completely agree with this article in the sense that those who set the standards have no idea how to achieve these standards. And those they entrust to see that these standards are kept up with, i.e. program directors, are also unfortunately out-of-touch. The only ones who can really understand and truly motivate the task are, sadly, the ones who have buried themselves too deep in residency to find that motivation. Which brings me to this point I wanted to make about resident wellness. While the article is right, you will not hear one honest resident speak the term “wellness” without even the slightest of sarcasm. The term itself has become somewhat of an oxymoron. And as moronic as the phrase “resident wellness” sounds to my ears... I do have this point to make. ...is it completely these higher-ups’ fault that this sphere of residency has fallen so deep into the shitter that it seemingly cannot be salvaged? I don’t think so. Some of my colleagues would like to place the blame completely on the system “that chews them up and spits them out.” ...but honestly, are we not part of that system, too? Aren’t we as residents part of the problem that is perpetuating this resident unwellness? If you knew the Old Tuan, pre-residency Tuan, troubled and depressed Tuan, you would have feared for his life knowing that he was going to be a doctor. And in that, feared for the patients he was going to take care, because he was not a well person. But I knew that I had to make a change. I knew that these selfish and deprecating emotions were a detriment to my life and the lives of my patients in the present and future. And I will be honest, jumping into residency gave me life. It gave me renewed purpose and drive. It has built up my confidence over the years and has definitely strengthened my resolve and resilience. I owe a lot of my successes to becoming a resident and being a resident. And part of that being a resident is this expectation that, yes, you will have to work. A lot. And very hard. And unfortunately, over the years, I have this strong inkling that people in my generation and the generations that followed and will follow have lost sight of that. Being a doctor is hard work. Hell, being an effing human being sometimes is bitter work. I get it. I GET IT! I totally do. And I am not downplaying the strife that comes with residency one bit. Sometimes, this work is very destructive and demeaning and steals the humanity from you and your loved ones and it truly is like the hand of Midas that seemingly destroys everything it touches. I’ve been there! There were times early on in my residency training where I felt like I had lost everything and had nothing else to live for except residency, which ironically was--again, seemingly--sucking the life out of me. But then I told myself “no more.” I picked myself back up, dusted off the soot, scraped off the burnt parts, and kept trucking forward. And I grinded through the tough hours and grueling work and difficult parents and patients and getting mistreated and I took every opportunity, no matter how harrowing, to be a learning opportunity and a chance for me to prove myself and become a better person, a better physician... because this is my job. This is my duty. And this is what I signed up for. No one else asked for this of me except myself. And so there was a point where I made the affirmation to step up to the challenge and to not complain. To recognize my strengths and qualities and use them to help others as best I could, to test my limits and my stamina and put as much effort as I can possibly muster to do right by my patients and my colleagues... and perhaps even more importantly, to recognize my weaknesses and my limits and to constantly strive to improve on them and, when I am stuck or at a loss, to ask for help when I could not carry on on my own. Residency has not been easy for me. It has been wrought with setbacks and failures and obstacles. There have been a lot of days where I wake up with this dread and this fear, this fear of failure, this fear that exhaustion has finally caught up to me, this nagging despair that lurks in the background ready to pounce and completely burn me out. But still, I push forward. I push forward through all of that and try my hardest to be the absolute best I can be at my job. I do what is asked of me, and a lot of times beyond that. I put in the hours (sometimes more than the next person). I follow the rules. I comply with the regulations. And I don’t complain. Because I know that this is part of the job. When I am no longer a resident, there is no one who is going to check my wellness except for myself. And honestly, for that matter, I realized early on in my residency training that, honestly, there is no one now who is going to check my wellness except for myself. I want so badly to ask my colleagues (the ones who fume and shout about how unwell they are) if they can actually tell the difference within themselves. Are they truly unwell? Are they just tired? Or are they just complaining? I don’t want to say any of this to, again, downplay anyone’s struggles during residency, because believe me, those struggles are there. And yes, resident wellness is definitely an area in residency that has accrued a high profile mainly for its lack of progress over the years. We have students and residents and practicing physicians still suffering from the deadly consequences of physician unwellness to simply just gloss over the topic and toss it aside. But truly, honestly, to those who take one long look at themselves and their work... can you deem yourself truly unwell? Or are you just complaining because you’re not getting what you want? Because I will be honest, I think part of the problem, or at least within my program, is this air of entitlement, this thought that “I deserve better because I am better than everyone else.” The complaints that their work hours are too strenuous, that they have to spend 24-hours at a time away from their family is too much to be asked of them as a physician, that they deserve and demand more days off, that they do not have to comply to the rules of the residency program “because #wellness.” ...it all is quite frankly asinine. I have colleagues who consciously refuse to follow the rules, take more than the allotted vacation days without anyone’s approval (I would know because I am one the chief residents) and expect no consequences from their actions. I have colleagues who simply find it palatable to shirk their resident duties and responsibilities because they feel that that work is beneath them. I have colleagues who complain daily about their work hours when in all reality, they have spent more time at home and on vacation than I have because I was gracious enough to absorb that time into my own schedule so that they may have those days off. I have colleagues who complain about having to work during one holiday, not even an extended period of days during the holiday, but just a 24-hour shift every third day or so, where as I worked an entire 9-day stretch during one holiday break and also worked the next holiday the following month. Would you like to guess which one is the most vocal about how “unwell” they are? I find it the most appalling thing that my colleagues, who are adults, still have this mindset of “me me me,” even when they are in a profession where, news flash, it is not at all about you. The things that these residents say, the vitriol that is spouted from their silver-spoon-fed mouths, all in the sake of “resident wellness” is honestly infuriating to me sometimes. And it honestly undermines the whole conversation about resident wellness, if I am to be quite honest with you. It invalidates the necessity to improve on this standard because all I hear from are these entitled people who think that they shouldn’t have to work as hard as the next person because they think they are better than everyone else. I’m sorry, but does the fact that you’re married or have children put you in a better position to have a better schedule than me? I don’t think so. Why are you implying that you deserve more “wellness” because of these things as opposed to me and some of my other colleagues who do their job and have never complained about their schedule? I don’t get it! Where is the disconnect?! I honestly find it a little insulting to the entire profession and find it a disservice to the field to know that there are physicians like this who still exist. Where exactly does the problem begin and how can it be fixed? No one really knows now, honestly, because the picture is so muddied. And I think that’s why regulating organizations like ACGME lack such control and grasp of the concept of resident wellness is because the picture is so muddied... by entitled residents. Entitlement is one of my pet peeves, and it severely chaps my ass to know that there will be matriculating physicians who will continue to perpetuate this horrible attitude that is not befitting of a physician. And yes, on the flip side, it also severely chaps my ass that there are physicians and programs out there who will also continue to perpetuate this horrible culture of ignoring and mismanaging physician wellness to the point where the product is just as horrible, if not worse. This topic is definitely multifaceted and very complicated. And I liken this topic, honestly, to global warming. There are people “in charge” who don’t think it is a real problem. There are people “in charge” who are mismanaging the hell out of it. There are people regulating it who understanding nothing about it. And then there are those who are the constituents who overexaggerate the problem for their own selfish and personal gains, those who don’t understand fully its consequences, those who understand its consequences but don’t know what to do, those who are apathetic, and those who care too much to the point where they serve as a detriment to the cause. It’s multifaceted and definitely complicated. It’s an issue that will require years and years of--you guessed it--hard work to fix. I don’t know of a solution. I don’t know of a resolve. And I am not sure how this will play out in the future. I guess, truthfully, my whole point of writing this post apart from acknowledging the problem and offering my understanding and what little advice I could give, since I honestly feel like I fall into that group who understand its consequences but does not know what to do, was to say that if you’re an entitled whiny-ass bitch who just doesn’t want to work because you don’t feel like it, check yourself and shut the hell up, do your job and pull your weight. Because here’s news for you, your actions are causing your peers and colleagues more unwellness.