#while people unfollow because how dare i put these shitty art on their dashboard

[mugenmcfugen]

I figured out I should put out small (that will probably turn into essay by the end I’m done typing) blog post about something that has been on my mind for quite some time, especially now that I’ve been diagnosed with GAD. I will put the read below line so I don’t hog the dashboard, so if you’re interested in reading further, click away.

I need to preface from a beginning that I was always sort of a sensitive. My sensitivity was mostly obvious when I was a child, and majority of it probably comes from my toddler years, which I’ve spent mostly in hiding from bombs and as a refugee. It was coupled with a fact that my father had to get separated from us because of war (he’s alive and well, thank God) and my assumption is that right there I was left with separation anxiety. School years weren’t the worst, but I always struggled with keeping friends and was mostly bullied because of the fact that my catholic mother dared to marry a muslim man and have kids. Okay, when I hit puberty I started to realize that all of that was bullshit and whatnot, I realized many of them we’re just a kid as me and were probably taught wrongly from their parents. Sometimes I see majority of my elementary school classmates today and most of them are just as me and in fact are happy to see me, which is something (except one guy and screw him for a good reason). But I was always left with lingering sense that I, infact, don’t belong anywhere. I always detested fact that I had to indentify as some shit that wasn’t mine to decide (like, ethnicity or religion), so for most of the time, I kept to myself, my comics, my games, anime, etc. When I started finding people that had same interests like me, I was over the moon, because it meant I still had a chance to be myself in a shithole that’s my hometown (which is small and still all kinds of fucked because of war), and to this day I’m still grateful for those years.

University came along, and while I didn’t notice it at first, it started taking a toll on me. It wasn’t difficult sort of university, but constant need to prove myself with my art and failing (to this day I still can’t figure for the fuck all what was I supposed to do with criticism i recieved) coupled with fact that I was straight on abandoned by people I considered my friends in there, kind of destroyed my self confidence and borderline fell into heavy depression before kicking myself in the ass and seeking help for the first time in my life. Since then I learned to adjust myself and sort of control my emotions. I realized that I wasn’t to blame but my self confidence never fully recovered after that. I used to be sort of happy-go-lucky person before that, and for last few years I was left into constant self doubt about every single little shit I do.

That is, enter my boyfriend, without whom I’d probably be in a way worse state and who didn’t bail on me because he told me way later in relationship that, when he first met me I was in such a shitty mental mess, and frankly, he was right. I was a hot potato of issues and I was full on ready to get my shit together, but I like to believe some higher force decided that I needed an angel alongside. So they sent him to me. BUT (there’s always that fucking but) anxiety is a sneaky little bitch that never left me alone and constantly made me worry and stress over such a minuscule shit it’s not even funny.

At that point I also believed internet was my refugee from constant shitfest that’s my real life and place I live in, it was one of places where I could be full of weird ideas and people who are open minded like me. Everything was allowed, right?

Except at that point (it was 2013) is where climate of Tumblr started to shift from mindless fun and shitposting for majority of time to full out blown toxicity from all around. Shit that had a good basic message in it was dripped in a such a toxic waste that I really, REALLY, didn’t have mind capacity to handle it. I started noticing taking a toll on me again because, YET AGAIN, there was this stupid fucking indenitity bullshit that ‘‘if you’re not x don’t x or y’‘ or similar crap. As someone who had to go trough whole fucking childhood of being asked if i’m ‘‘x or y’‘, here I was, AGAIN, being asked same bullshit. And over what? But, as always, anxiety won again, and instead of me facing this and keeping my head in place, I decided to hide all of this from my dash, whenever it was unfollowing or filtering words because I couldn’t handle it. Those weren’t my fights.

I ran away from people again. I was hurt and abandoned before for mere facts that I didn’t toe in line with groupthink. And again, I felt like I don’t belong anywhere. My whole life was basically filled with conflicts and I didn’t want to continue doing that here.

So if you’ve read up until this point, you probably wonder ‘‘what’s this about?’‘, here’s what it is: I’m opening my soul. I’m trying to put down in words all of my actions and happenings before and how they led me here where I’m now. I used to be victim of other’s people action but in the end I remained victim of my mind. No one was holding me down but me and my shitty anxiety. I know it’s okay to distance yourself from shit that makes you uncomfortable. But it’s also festering ground for whole lot of stuff that will in the end give you far more shit than simple dealing with a problem straight ahead.

But god fucking damn if I’ll ever let anxiety control me the way it did. This blog post function is me giving my anxiety a big middle finger.

Fuck you for making me self doubt. Fuck you for making me overthink every single possible outcome. Fuck you for not letting me be ME. I’m who I am and fucking deal with it.

In the end (if you came up till this point) I’d like to do two things. First is, I apologize. I apologize to anyone who ever felt I was wronged by them, whenever it was intetional or not. I’m not good person by any means, however, this apology comes sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

Second is, thank you if you’ve read trough this. It’s mostly me just talking about my issues and sorting them in a coherent manner for my brain. After all of this typing, I feel relieved. Again, thank you if you’ve read trough all of it.